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MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 



LATE OP ISLINGTON 



INCLUDING 



REMARKS IN CONVERSATION 



EXTRACTS FROM SERMONS AND LETTERS 



OF THE LATE 



REV. RICHARD CECIL. 



BY 

CATHARINE CECIL. 



I HAVE CHOSEH THEE IN THE FURNACE OF AFFLICTION. 

Is a. xlviii. 10. 



NEW YORK: 
ROBERT CARTER & BROTHERS, 

No. 285 BROADWAY. 

1851. 



51 



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ADVERTISEMENT. 



It was the will of my deceased god-mother, Mrs. Hawkes, 
tliat I should possess her manuscript books and papers, after 
her death ; not only on account of the numerous passages 
which they contain relating to my honored Father, but also on 
account of that close and affectionate friendship which followed 
from the relation in which she stood towards me. 

The personal obligations conferred upon me, from early child- 
hood, by the deceased, together with my knowledge of the 
minute details of her life, seemed to make it peculiarly my 
duty to communicate to others those words of hers which may 
be compared to a " well-spring of wisdom." And I have felt 
the less reluctance to engage in a work, from which I should 
otherwise have shrunk, while acting under a sense of providen- 
tial direction, — being encouraged and urged to the undertaking 
by some of the nearest relatives to the deceased, as well as by 
several of my own particular friends, whose judgment I could 
not but respect. C. Cecil. 

5, Little James Street, 
Bedford Row, 



PREFACE. 



The Christian experience of Mrs. Hawkes, which is now 
presented to the public, possesses a character common to that 
of other believers, as it may be traced to the operation of the 
Holy Spirit. On this account it ought to be considered pre- 
cious in itself; apart from those considerations which, in the 
present instance, concur to render it valuable to others. It is 
not often that so many advantages unite to render the experi- 
ence of a Christian profitable to the public in general. To find 
the deepest views of the evil of sin, in a person whose moral 
character was, through life, the most exemplary ; — the clearest 
views of the doctrines of grace, with a strict and conscientious 
regard to their practical tendency ; — the strongest and most 
simple faith, ever in connection with the penitence of her who 
washed the Saviour's feet with her tears ; — a love to God truly 
filial, ever blended with reverential fear ; and a humility which 
was as the clothing of her soul ; — to find the cheerful affection- 
ate friend, ever administering to others, in the same person with 
the oppressed and afflicted sufferer, — where patience had, by 
means of constant trial, its perfect w T ork ; — these are fruits of 
the Spirit so precious in themselves, and so rare in their com- 
bination, that they require to be made manifest. " Is a candle 
brought to be put under a bushel, or under a bed ? and not to 
be set on a candlestick V 

The subject of this Memoir was little known out of her own 
circle. But the same reasons which induced the inspired writers 
to record the names of Lydia, " whose heart the Lord opened 



VI PREFACE. 

to attend to the things spoken by Paul," apply strongly to the 
present case. Thus also the Scripture speaks of " the woman 
named Damaris," and of " Dionysius the Areopagite," of whom 
nothing is recorded except that they "believed." This may 
appear of little consequence to the world : but the Holy Spirit 
thus teaches us that the greatest works go on in the secret 
chambers of the heart, and in private life. When our Saviour 
bruised Satan's Empire — the greatest work that men or angels 
ever beheld, — the field of action was narrow, and the world 
saw little in it to attract attention. Yet to the eye of faith, 
there is presented in the confined spot of Calvary, a stupendous 
work of power, wisdom, and goodness, which " Angels desire 
to look into." And among the names recorded on that solemn 
occasion, we find those of the few women who attended our 
Saviour's crucifixion, and who were probably affected by that 
sight. Matt, xxvii. 56. — Luke xxiii. 48. 

Another inducement to the publication of these Memoirs is, 
that Mrs. Hawkes' records of her experience are left, (without 
the least idea on her part of their ever seeing the light, but as 
the natural result of her cultivated and intelligent mind,) in a 
form suited both to delight and profit the serious reader. In 
this history there is not much variety of incident. The design 
of the work is to exhibit the spiritual exercises of her mind, 
and to follow out her Christian experience under a continued 
course of affliction. 

The sermons and other materials of this compilation, which 
may appear foreign to this Memoir, have not, properly speaking, 
been introduced by the Biographer. They were found so inter- 
spersed and interwoven in almost every page of Mrs. Hawkes' 
diary, that it would have been difficult to separate them. It is 
however believed that they will be found interesting and in- 
structive. The same must be observed respecting the various 
allusions to Mr. Cecil's family, (of which Mrs. Hawkes was for 
several years a member,) and which could not have been omit- 
ted without breaking the thread of her private experience and 
history. 

Neither must it be forgotten that the fine character of Mrs, 



PREFACE. Vll 

Hawkes was developed under the immediate training of Mr. 
Cecil's ministry and converse. She was a " plant of his hand, 
a child of his prayer;" and it is not surprising that where there 
existed the relation of spiritual father and daughter, there 
should result a degree of mental and moral affinity, giving 
color to Mrs. Hawkes' intellectual and religious character, and 
appearing in her remains. 

In Mrs. Hawkes' correspondence there will be found a beau- 
tiful specimen of the communion of saints ; all the letters in- 
troduced contain some practical instruction, and breathe the 
pure spirit of Christianity. She was a person fraught with so 
much sympathy, and so deeply exercised in the school of afflic- 
tion, that every mourner sought to her as a general friend. 
Both her verbal and written admonitions ever contained the 
most judicious counsel, and were delivered in the most benevo- 
lent and affectionate manner. 

In the early part of the work there is a large selection from 
the letters of Mrs. Hawkes' sister, Mrs. Jones, — who was also a 
very eminent Christian. Her style of writing is both lively 
and interesting; and her letters ever present religion in an 
elevating and encouraging point of view. 

Should it seem to any one unacquainted with Mrs. Hawkes, 
that her character has been drawn by partiality, it is here seri- 
ously affirmed, that every statement has been made from an 
entire conviction of its truth ; and under a deep sense of the 
solemn obligations under which a Biographer lies, to add noth- 
ing in a way of panegyric. 

There are not many who have been favored with equal op- 
portunities with myself of knowing intimately the deceased, or 
of partaking so largely of her instructions. It was perhaps a 
duty, when intrusted with her manuscript books and papers, 
not to hide the talent in a napkin ; but rather to " gather up 
the fragments" left by this valuable character, and present them 
to the public in the form of a Memoir. 

The employment has furnished both delight and improve- 
ment. It is impossible to trace closely " the path of the just" 
without being cheered, as well as directed, by the light which 



Vlll PREFACE. N 

\ 

shines upon it. If a regret arises that a stronger hand was not 
employed to hold up this shining light to others, it may be re- 
membered, that a lamp loses nothing of its light from being 
carried by a feeble hand. 

May the Great Head of the Church condescend to accept, 
and bless, what has been now done in dependence upon his 
grace ; making it conduce to the encouragement and assistance 
of his members upon earth, and especially to the promotion of 
his own glory. 



CONTENTS. 



CHAPTER I. 

FROM HER BIRTH TO HER MARRIAGE. 

PAGE 

From A. D. 1759 to about 1785, 11 

CHAPTER II. 

FROM HER MARRIAGE TO HER SETTLEMENT AT HOLLOWAY. 

From A. D. 1785 to 1790, 15 



CHAPTER IE. 

FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT HOLLOWAY TO HER LEAVING THAT 

PLACE. 

From A. D. 1790 to 1796, 35 



CHAPTER IV. 

HER RESIDENCE IN MR. CECIL'S HOUSE. 

From A. D. 1796 to 1802, 131 

CHAPTER V. 

FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT MR. COLLYER's TO HER REMOVAL TO 
BETCHWORTH. 

From A. D. 1802 to 1811, . . . . .. . ,175 

1* 



X CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER VI. 

HER TEMPORARY ABODE AT BETCHWORTH. 

PAGE 

From A. D. 1811 to 1812, 215 

CHAPTER VII. 

FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT PENTON PLACE TO HER REMOVAL TO 
queen's ROW. 

From A. D. 1812 to 1817, 221 

CHAPTER VIII. 

HER RESIDENCE AT QUEEN'S ROW, PENTONVILLE. 

From A. D. 1817 to 1828, 258 



CHAPTER IX. 

HER REMOVAL FROM QUEEN'S ROW, AND SUBSEQUENT RESIDENCE 
IN CROSS STREET, ISLINGTON. 

From A. D. 1828 to 1832, 318 



CHAPTER X. 

CLOSING PERIOD OF HER LD7E. 

From Jan. 1832 to Oct. 16, 1832, 351 

CHAPTER XI. 
Concluding Remarks, 361 



MEMOIRS, ETC. 



CHAPTER I. 

FROM HER BIRTH TO HER MARRIAGE. 

FROM A. D. 1759, TO ABOUT 1185. 

Introductory remarks — Her birth — Piety of her parents — Concern for 
the conversion of their children — Gaiety of Mrs. Hawkes in her 
younger years — Her love of music and reading — Her marriage. 

The devout and discerning reader will not have proceeded 
far in this volume, without feeling that it displays a character 
of unusual vigor in the Christian life : and it is believed that 
no such reader will close the volume, without thanking God 
for the examples which it offers of faith and wisdom in his 
servants, and the evidence which it gives of his own gracious 
dealings. 

The subject of the following Memoir evidently belongs to 
that company spoken of in Rev. vii. 14 : " These are they 
which came out of great tribulation, and have washed their 
robes and made them white in the blood of the Lamb ;" and 
the precious faith which she obtained, " though tried with fire, 
will be found unto praise, and honor, and glory at the appear- 
ing of Jesus Christ." 1 Peter i. 1. 

The intention of the following pages is to manifest chiefly 
by a reference to the diary and letters of the deceased, the 
supporting and purifying nature of that faith which she had 
embraced ; and the genuine humility which accompanied her 
high attainments in the school of Christ. 

Three sources of affliction may be marked in the history of 
this eminent servant of God. In the early part of her married 
life she enjoyed worldly prosperity, — but was severely exercised 



12 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

by domestic trials. To this course of discipline succeeded 
the loss of affluence and ease ; which reduced her to a state of 
dependence on the bounty of others. These trials were aug- 
mented during the latter years of her life by very acute and 
unusual bodily sufferings ; — and throughout this cOurse, it is 
most instructive and encouraging to witness the power of 
religion in sustaining her spirit, and in raising her above all her 
complicated and lengthened trials. 

Mrs. Hawkes was born in the year 1*759, at Broad Marston 
in Gloucestershire, where her parents resided. She was the 
youngest of thirteen children, five of whom died in childhood. 
Her father, Mr. Thomas Eden, was a person of strong sense and 
real piety. He was intimately acquainted with the Rev. John 
"Wesley ; and his house was always open for the reception of 
that eminent servant of God, and his accompanying preachers, 
in their annual circuit visits to that place. Mr. Wesley used to 
preach, on these occasions, at Pebworth church, in a neighbor- 
ing village : but to provide more frequent opportunities for 
preaching the gospel, Mr. Eden built a small chapel at Broad 
Marston, near to his own house, the services of which were 
always performed by Mr. Wesley's preachers.* Mr. Eden also 
left an estate, of about £60 a year, to be expended in several 
parishes, for the education of children, from the age of five 
years, until they were able to go to work. 

We may revert with equal pleasure to the Christian charac- 
ter of Mrs. Eden. It appears that devoted piety, and strict 
attention to maternal duties, rendered her equally valuable 
both as a wife and a mother. The instructions which she 
gave her children were continually watered by her prayers and 
tears, as well as illustrated by her example. 

Though there are sad instances to the contrary, yet it has 
been often seen that eminently pious parents have been blessed 
with eminently pious children. The command " Train up a 
child in the way that he should go," is connected with the 
promise, " and when he is old, he will not depart from it." 
St. Paul, when bearing testimony to the unfeigned faith of 
Timothy, calls to remembrance that which also dwelt first in 
his grandmother Lois, and his mother Eunice. A short extract 
from a letter of Mrs. Eden's, dated Dec, 1781, addressed to her 
second daughter, Mrs. Jones, will enable the reader to form 
some idea of Mrs. Eden's feelings both with respect to herself 
and her children. She writes as follows : — 

* The reader will remember that at the period when Mr. Eden lived, 
the Church of England was in a lamentably torpid state, which induced 
many of its pious members to encourage lay preachers. 



CHAP. I. FROM A. D. 1759 TO 1785. 13 

" I thankfully acknowledge the loving-kindness of the Lord, 
in carrying on his good work in my soul. Truly can I say, it 
is my desire to live entirely to his glory. Blessed be God, my 
health is much mended of late ; and I trust the Lord will spare 
me longer, to make me fitter to enjoy his blissful presence in 
a glorious eternity. I hope you and Mr. Jones go on well, and 
press after greater depths of humble love, and more of the 
image of your heavenly Father. I have many cares and fears : 
but I cast them all on him who careth for me. The souls of 
my dear children lie heavily on my heart : but through mercy, 
I find myself more than ever resigned to the will of God ; and 
I desire to leave all to him, and live only to his glory." 

In this case, however, as in many others, the faith and pa- 
tience of these pious parents were to be tried by not witnessing 
the speedy conversion of those children, for whose spiritual life, 
they had indeed "travailed in birth until Christ should be 
formed in them." The bread cast upon the water was, never- 
theless, found after many days. Not only the subject of this 
memoir, but several of the other children of these pious parents 
lived to become ornaments to society, and died in the faith of 
the Gospel. 

It may seem surprising that, with so many religious advan- 
tages, the younger days of Miss Sarah Eden, afterwards Mrs. 
Hawkes, should have been marked by the love of gayety and 
amusement. But it must ever be remembered, that true piety 
is not hereditary. How good soever the seed may be which has 
been sown, and how diligently soever it may have been watered, 
God alone can "give the increase." The same work of re- 
generating grace which was needful for the conversion of the 
parent, is equally indispensable for the conversion of the child. 
This truth needs, perhaps, to be more deeply considered by 
Christian parents. An entire reliance on the work of Divine 
grace, without any abatement of those efforts which are the 
absolute duty of parents, might cause the blessing to descend 
more speedily. Still, it must be acknowledged, that grace is 
sovereign ; and this respects both the time and manner of con- 
version. The subject of this memoir was left for a season to 
seek satisfaction where it never could be found. To gratify her 
strong intellect by reading, — though disregarding a wise selec- 
tion of books : to indulge her passionate fondness for music : 
and to give herself to the society of those equally gay and 
young friends, who, captivated by her peculiar sweetness of dis- 
position, were ever ready to seek her acquaintance ; — occupied 
those early years of health and vigor, which she afterwards 
justly lamented, as having been lost in vanity and folly. 



14 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

In looking back upon them, she was ready to exclaim with the 
Poet, 

" Oh ! the dark days of vanity ! while here 
How tasteless ! and how terrible when gone I"* 

But Divine mercy had designed that her own ways should 
correct her. While intent on choosing the world for her por- 
tion, and listening only to the Siren voice of earthly allure- 
ments, — she formed a connection in marriage entirely in con- 
formity with such views. 

The prospect was nattering as it regarded worldly advan- 
tages ; and, for a short season, opportunities were thus afforded 
her for drinking more deeply of the perishable pleasures of this 
world ; of which, however, it may be said, " Whosoever drink- 
eth of this water shall thirst again." John iv. 13. In the 
midst of her career of worldly prosperity, the day of trouble 
was fast approaching; and but for that special mercy which 
designed to "bring her into the wilderness, and speak com- 
fortably to her,f and give her vineyards from thence," Hosea ii. 
14, 15, she would indeed have been made, " like the heath in 
the desert, and would have inhabited the parched places in the 
wilderness." Jer. xvii. 6. 

* Young's Night Thoughts. f " Speak to her heart" 



CHAPTER II. 



FROM HER MARRIAGE TO HER SETTLEMENT AT 
HALLOWAY. 

FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1790. 

Her trials — Her conduct under them — Taken by her sister to hear the 
Rev. Richard Cecil — Receives deep religious impressions — Becomes a 
constant attendant at St. John's Chapel — First interview between Mr. 
Cecil and Mrs. Hawkes — Begins to keep a Diary — Her entire change 
of character — Cautioned by Mrs. Jones against going to the Theatre — 
Her value of ordinances — Letter to Mrs. Jones — Visit to Broad 
Marston, her native place — To Dudley — Correspondence between 
Mrs. Hawkes and Mrs. Jones — Mrs. Hawkes goes to Birmingham — 
Sermon of the Rev. C. Simeon's at St. Mary's — She visits Honey- 
bourne and other places, and returns to London — Mr. Cecil's visit — 
His remarks — His illness. 

The connection which Mrs. Hawkes had formed was of a 
nature very unlikely to promote her happiness. The union 
had not been preceded by that serious consideration with re- 
gard to suitableness in feelings and principles, so strongly 
recommended in our wise and holy Liturgy. It cannot there- 
fore be thought surprising that her chief trials should arise from 
this quarter. 

During this dispensation, two features of her character were 
particularly manifested, namely, a capacity for patient endurance 
of evils which she could not remedy ; and a delicacy of feeling 
which made her bear silently that sorrow which was ever 
springing up afresh from deep and hidden recesses ; she could 
not so forget the relation in which she stood, as to discuss with 
her fellow-creatures the peculiarities of her case. 

But when more than human sympathy became needful, she 
was to receive the instructive consolation : " My grace is 
sufficient for thee." In her case was to be exhibited that grand 
prerogative of the Gospel, in making " all things work together 
for good" to those who receive it. She was taught to " cast 
her burden on the Lord," and was enabled to understand, in 
some measure, the design of present trials, as effecting a 



16 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

medicinal process, in order to bring about the gracious results 
proposed in that Scripture, "Behold, I have refined thee, but 
not with silver ; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." 
Isa. xlviii. 10. 

While Mrs. Hawkes' mind was in this state, a circumstance 
took place, which, though seemingly of small importance, 
proved, by its results, to have been overruled by that Divine 
Providence which ever guides and directs human events. Mrs. 
Hawkes had a pious sister, who, with her excellent husband, 
Mr. Jones, belonged to the congregation of St. Mary's Church, 
Birmingham ; attending the ministry of the Rev. Edward Burn. 

Mrs. Jones having mentioned to Mr. Burn her intention of 
visiting her sister in London, Mr. Burn particularly recom- 
mended her going to hear the Rev. Richard Cecil, while she 
was in town. In compliance with this recommendation, Mrs. 
Jones went to St. John's Chapel, Bedford Row, accompanied 
by Mrs. Hawkes. This occurred in the spring of the year 1787. 

The impression made upon Mrs. Hawkes' mind, on this 
occasion, was deep and abiding. She entered into the sanc- 
tuary " a woman grieved in spirit :" Isa. liv. 6. She returned 
thence no longer sorrowful, but with new and powerful im- 
pressions of the efficacy of Scripture consolations ; and with 
earnest desires to become a partaker of spiritual blessings. 
From this period Mrs. Hawkes constantly attended St. John's 
Chapel. 

Mrs. Jones, delighted to discover the deeply serious state of 
her sister's mind, and truly anxious to promote her spiritual in- 
terests, was induced to write to Mr. Cecil, after an interval of 
two years, and to request he would call upon Mrs. Hawkes. 

Mr. Cecil's answer will be found included in the following 
letter, sent by Mrs. Jones to her sister, in the month of February, 
1789, wherein she writes : — 

" I have been considering that if ' to obtain a friend is worth 
all hazards we can run,' I surely ought to venture something 
towards procuring for you, if possible, the advice and counsel 
of Mr. Cecil. I have therefore written to beg the favor of him 
to call upon you ; for I think that the state of your mind 
particularly requires it. I did this with much fear : which I 
find, by this kind answer, there was no need for. I will trans- 
cribe a part of his letter for your encouragement. 'I most 
heartily join in rejoicing on the happy occasion of your letter ; 
and the angels, we are certainly informed, join us both. It has 
been matter of much grief to me, during nearly nine years' 
constant labor among the people of St. John's, to observe how 
few, comparatively speaking, believe the Gospel report to any 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1*790. lY 

saving purpose. Some, indeed, I have observed awaking as 
from a dream, and setting out in good earnest towards the 
kingdom. Others seem roused a little, but soon fall down again 
in faster slumber than before ; and some seemed determined to 
sleep at any rate. Happy indeed shall I be if Mrs. Hawkes is 
found of the first class, — that when the Bridegroom cometh, 
she may, as a wise virgin, be prepared for all consequences. 

" ' I shall hope, Madam, for that assistance which I am per- 
suaded your prayers will afford — together with those encourage- 
ments and admonitions which young converts need from every 
quarter. My assistance can be but general to whom, at 
present, I know only by name ; but yours may be particular 
and appropriate : and all will be found little enough as means, 
to secure a profession which has to grapple with the disorders 
not only of the careless, but religious world.' 

" You see how glad the servant of God is, to hear of your 
setting out. Do not fear to speak to him with freedom ; the 
good of souls is' the chief desire of his heart, as well as the ob- 
ject of his endeavors. Though I cannot be present with you 
in person, on Friday, I hope for particular access to Hi?n, who 
presides over your conversation, and who will Himself be present 
by his Spirit. I mean particularly to observe that day with 
much prayer. May the Holy Spirit be poured out upon us in 
rich abundance. I shall be almost one of your party ; the 
ethereal part is not detained by cumbrous clay. I have been 
much mortified on account of my forgetfulness of your request ;* 
but you know my weakness." 

Mrs. Hawkes' first interview with Mr. Cecil took place 
shortly after ; and thus commenced a sacred friendship, begun 
indeed in time, but reaching to eternity ; a relationship between 
a father in the Gospel, and a spiritual child, who was to be his 
joy and crown at the appearing of Jesus Christ. 

The advantages which Mrs. Hawkes derived from Mr. 
Cecil's ministry and private instructions, will best be seen by a 
reference to her diary. Many of her memorandums being in 
an obscure short-hand, must unavoidably be lost. Some 
extracts from those which are written at length, will show the 
progress of Divine grace in her mind. The following was an 
account of her first interview with Mr. Cecil. 

February 17, 1789. "A day to me very momentous: I 
look upon myself to-day as having entered the list of public 
professors of Christianity ; that is, to have declared myself as 
a follower of Christ. 

* An engagement to meet at a certain hour for prayer. 



18 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" For many years past I have been much stumbled by mark- 
ing the spirit, temper, and conduct of some professors. This 
may have been partly from my own ignorance of human nature, 
and partly from erecting too high a standard for professors in 
general. For though that religion cannot be real which does 
not in some degree make old things become new, yet I have 
expected, perhaps, that it should change men into angels. This 
view, however, has made me to say to myself over and over, 
If ever I am religious, I will keep it a secret ; for I will never 
make a profession, lest I too, should fall below the mark, and 
disgrace that sacred cause. A dread of this has, for many 
years, made me silent when my heart was at times stirred: 
but more especially since I first heard at St. John's, two years 
ago. My mind, before this period, was merely transiently 
impressed, and the impressions wore away, and vanished like 
the morning dew ; but from the first time of hearing Mr. 
Cecil, I earnestly began to cry out, " What shall I do to be 
saved 2" 

" During the last two years I have literally ' roared with an- 
guish of spirit.' The arrows of the Almighty have stuck so 
fast in me. Temptations from the world — temptations from 
within — and most horrible temptations or suggestions, from 
my spiritual enemy — have made my flesh tremble. The only 
thing that seemed to save me from absolute despair and distrac- 
tion was the reading Christian's fight with Apollyon ; and his 
walk through the dark valley, in the Pilgrim's Progress. 

" It is generally believed among many of my acquaintance 
that I am mad. I have been mad with vanity and folly, but I 
trust that now the Lord is bringing me to a right mind. 

" Though I have many very godly acquaintance and friends, 
I could never speak my mind to them ; and I durst not speak 
to my minister, whom I never fail to hear, because of my 
determination to keep my religion to myself. At length, 
however, after much sorrow and many prayers, He that 
promises help in time of need, sent his faithful and kind 
messenger to me, the least of all, with words of admonition, 
comfort, and instruction ; which, while they are, I trust, 
engraven on my heart, I am also desirous to retain in my 
memory as to the particulars, and thus to secure to myself the 
advantage of often looking them over. 

" In conversing, I first named my great and long predomina- 
ting fear of making a profession, lest I should dishonor God. 
To which Mr. C. replied, — ' Every Christian must meet with 
difficulties, temptations, and trials ; and so will you. But 
what then ? Is not God able to defend you ? We, as ministers 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1*785 TO 1790. 19 

of the Gospel, greatly rejoice to direct and assist our flock ; but 
in a thousand cases, it is utterly out of our power to do it, even 
where we are most intimate. You will frequently find your- 
self alone in your journey, and feel that you can turn to no 
friend on earth for direction. In such cases, you must not be 
dismayed, but trust in God ; and feel out your way like one 
groping in the dark : take a step at a time. 

" On the other hand, take care, when you receive help from 
any friend, or your minister, that you do not lean too much 
upon them, nor be too anxious for their support. We are all 
poor earthen vessels. 

" Watch and pray against failures ; but take heed of despond- 
ing under them. Be content to travel as you are able. The 
oak springs from the acorn ; but does it become a tree at once ? 
Because the stage wagon cannot travel to York as fast as the 
stage coach, would you therefore say it will never get to York ? 
The mushroom springs up in a night ; but what is the mush- 
room ? 

" You must not look for perfection either in yourself or 
others. Not to allow for the infirmities and defects of a fallen 
nature, is not to understand anything about the matter ; nay, it 
is to speak directly contrary to the Bible, the standard of all 
truth. There never was more than one perfect character upon 
earth, and he was the most tender and compassionate towards 
the imperfections of men. He knew what was in man, for he 
looked at the heart; and if he saw that right, he pitied, where 
those who judged only by the outward, appearance, blamed ; 
and defended, where they condemned. 

" There is one distinction you should keep very clear in your 
mind — that religion itself, in its essence, is perfect ; as our rule 
and standard it is unerring ; nor can it be affected by the 
inconsistencies or imperfections of its professors : the standard 
remains the same : the balances are true : but when its profes- 
sors are weighed therein, — even the very best of them, — they 
are found wanting. Our aim must be to get every day nearer 
the standard ; for whoever does not labor, not merely desire, 
but labor to be a better Christian every day, is not yet a Chris- 
tian at all. Yet in this you must exercise patience. Do not 
measure yourself by a false standard. There are no doubt 
giants in the Christian world, — but would you be a giant at 
once? Do not be satisfied to be a dwarf; but remember there 
must be time to grow." 

Question to Mr. C. respecting dress. 

Answer : " Beligion takes root in the heart, and when it has 
once got deeply rooted, it will be sure to regulate every thing 



20 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

without. It will so occupy the mind, that every thing else 
will begin to lose its importance. Religion puts every thing 
in its proper place ; and makes present things lighter than 
vanity. Even business, or literature, or science, if any one of 
these takes full possession of the mind, it makes dress a very 
insignificant thing ; and often neglected even to slovenliness. 
How much more indifferent will religion make us about it. 
Nevertheless, it is good to avoid singularity of habit. No real 
Christian can give in to the butterfly fooleries and extravagan- 
cies of dress, — any more than they can run into the dissipation 
of worldly company. Religion does not bid you turn hermit, 
but rather to ornament your station. 

" Be careful, in your commerce with the world, to act up to 
the character you profess. Do not put on a Pharisaical man- 
ner of, ' Stand by, for I am holier than thou.' Yet let it 
appear, that while you are under the necessity of hearing their 
vain conversation, you have no taste for it ; no delight or 
interest in it. An humble, kind silence often utters much. 

"None can pretend to say how far you may intermix in 
worldly company, and get no stain or soil. Situation, circum- 
stances, &c, must all be taken into consideration. But this 
may be said, that he only mixes with the world with safety 
who does it not from inclination, but necessity. 

" As to amusements, and what are called recreations, a really 
awakened Christian will neither find taste nor leisure for them. 
Religion furnishes the mind with objects sufficient to fill up 
every vacancy. Yet as you name them, I would have you 
mark carefully every thing that disposes or indisposes the 
mind to holy pursuits. Persons of tender health are very care- 
ful to avoid whatever is hurtful ; such as damps — infectious 
rooms — blighting winds. They attend to the injunctions of 
their physicians, the cautions of their friends, &c. If people were 
but as careful about their spiritual health as they are of their 
bodily health, we should see much stronger and taller Christians. 

" Above all, before you become a pilgrim sit down and 
count the cost. Your journey is up-hill every step of the 
way. You have foes within, ready to join with foes without to 
hinder, perplex, alarm, and distress you. Wisdom in the %ht, 
is only to be gained by fighting. If the young convert could 
learn from the old Christian, what experience alone can teach, 
he might have a far easier journey ; but each one must learn it 
for himself, and often by very painful discipline. Nor must we 
think our case hard, if we are made to pass through much 
tribulation ; since it is the way of all believers — nay, of Christ 
himself. 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1*785 TO 1*790. 21 

"No doubt God could have led his people by an easier 
method. But since he has chosen this, it must be the best. 
He could have brought the Israelites into the land of promise 
by a shorter and a smoother way : but what he did was 
intended to prove them ; and show them what was in their 
hearts — and to be a lesson to us. 

"Take care that you never harbor hard thoughts of God. 
It is one of Satan's chief devices, to make you think dishonor- 
ably of God. Nothing is more displeasing to God, nor more 
injurious to the life of religion. See the slothful servant in the 
Gospel. 

" Throughout the Scriptures you see how gracious God is : 
How he stoops to the poorest creature that comes to him through 
a mediator : How small an offering he will accept ; if there can 
be but a small one. A single sigh from a contrite heart will 
penetrate his ear. 

" Wherever God gives faith he will try it ; and whoever be- 
comes a follower of Christ, must deny himself and take up his 
cross — must make great sacrifices — such as right hands, and 
right eyes ; must expect opposition, persecution, mortification, 
cruel scoffings, — not only from the world, but from nearest and 
dearest friends. A man's sharpest and bitterest foes are ' those 
of his own household.' You must set your face like a flint 
against threatenings, and against allurements. 

" But I would warn you of another danger arising from a 
quarter you may least expect — namely, from the religious 
world itself. There are stumbling-blocks even in the church ; 
there are many professors, who, when they see a person setting 
out in religion, will advise, one this course, and one that. One 
sort says, 'religion is in its best estate among us? Another 
sort says, ' among us ;' — and the young convert, having a ten- 
der conscience, desirous of being right, is often greatly per- 
plexed ; for he finds that in the religious world there is a party 
spirit. Instead of obtaining the milk of the word, he has to 
distinguish between the hones of doctrine ; till at last he begins 
to doubt if there be any true spirit of religion at all. 

" Do not form too high expectations from the professing 
worlt|. Do not be in haste to form connections — to make ac- 
quaintances — to place confidence — to turn to every professor 
and say, lead me. 

" Do not enter into the list of religious gossips ; who may 
not only puzzle you about hard points of doctrine, but may lead 
you to waste your time to no purpose, in going from house to 
house, talking, instead of getting into the spirit of unity. There 
are too many of this sort ; whose chief religion lies in going 



22 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

from church to church to hear, aud from house to house to 
prate ; but who are too seldom in their closets, too seldom in 
close converse with God. Retired Christianity is the truest. It 
is easy to fill the head with notions ; but to sit still, like Mary, 
at Christ's feet, and be a learner, is far better. Always be 
afraid of a specious religion. 

" However high the cost may be of becoming a pilgrim, do 
not be disheartened. Remember, greater is He that is for you, 
than he that is against you. The Gospel requires nothing 
which it does not give you strength to perform. You must 
either wear Christ's yoke, or the devil's yoke ; and it need not 
be told you which is the easiest. Godliness is great riches 
even in this world : and what shall you share in the next ? If 
you be heartily on God's side, he will be on yours." 

Question. " But suppose I should be in the number of such 
as shall 'seek to enter in, and not be able V " 

Answer. " Observe, there is a material difference between one 
that only seeks to enter in — and one that strives to enter in. It 
is said,.' strive to enter in at the strait gate; for many shall 
seek, and not be able.' Here striving is distinguished from 
seeking. Do not be a listless uncertain seeker, but strive 
determinately — constantly — earnestly. Be like the merchant, 
whose head and heart are always on his merchandise. He 
watches wind and weather — seizes every favorable turn in busi- 
ness. He is all energy — all pursuit — nothing can divert him 
from his point. They that thus strive to enter in at the strait 
gate, taking God's way and help, shall never fail. 

" But the Christian must wait as well as pursue. He must 
exercise faith and patience as well as diligence. The husband- 
man waiteth long for the harvest. You must have patience 
with yourself. You must have patience with God. There is 
nothing which young Christians are more apt to fall into than 
impatience. If they do not immediately see an answer to their 
prayers, they say, ' The Lord does not hear — he does not 
regard.' Whereas, you must fix your faith on the promise and 
word of God ; which declares, he does hear, whatever appear- 
ances may be. He may not answer your prayers in your time, 
but he will answer them in the best time. Do not judge'from 
your frames and feelings ; but by the word of God, which says, 
1 1 will hear them that call upon me.' — ' Faithful is he that hath 
promised.' " 

Question. " How far those persons are right, who insist upon 
our ascertaining the precise time, and manner, when the pardon 
of sin is actually received ?" 

Answer. " The best evidence of the pardon of sin, is, that we 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 17S5 TO 1790. 23 

bring forth the fruits of righteousness. Evidence is the child 
of experience. Those who talk of sudden and instantaneous 
assurance, talk at random. Assurance is a fruit and effect of 
righteousness. It is progressive." 

Question. "How far I might, with safety, indulge my strong 
passion for music P 

u Mr. Cecil replied with solemnity, c You may indulge that 
as well as every other taste, as far as it tends to the glory of 
God, and does not interfere with the progress of the soul in 
divine things." 

"I feel self-condemnation, and captivity. But by Divine 
help, I will endeavor to set this rule before me ; and will make 
a stand, whatever it may cost me, against what I think I may 
call my ruling passion. 

" I count it a snare, and a misfortune, for a young woman to 
be in the habit of exhibiting any talent she is peculiarly famed 
for. I have felt its evil, and I know that a good voice has 
many temptations. Mothers and friends are too apt to gratify 
themselves and their daughters, at the expense of discretion and 
propriety. Not that this was the case with my dear and 
honored mother ; for she never would allow me, if she knew it, 
to sing any thing but Psalms and Hymns. But alas ! this did 
not satisfy me. I now see my tolly."* 

The next extracts mark the entire change of character and 
taste which a true reception of the Gospel will always effect ; as 
well as that opposition frequently manifested by those who are 
unacquainted with its efficacy. 

April. 1789. — "Certain friends who have been in the habit 
of dining, and dawdling away the Sunday with us, think I am 
mad, or at least that I am a dreadful bigot. ' I used,' they say, 
1 to be amiable and obliging. Why not, as formerly, go to the 
Foundling — the Asylum, the Magdalen — or drive in the park. 
Off to church in the morning — hurry over your dinner, off 
again in the afternoon — then off to church again in the evening ! 
It is too much of a thing. Mr. H. ought not to suffer it. 
Never any woman was so changed !' Ah, so I had need to be ; 
so I desire to be. I have dawdled away too many Sabbaths. 
I now begin to taste the comforts of this change ; and by the 
help of God, I will Dersevere, however I mav be ridiculed or 
hated." 

Wednesday . — " I prize my Wednesdays, and long for their 
coming round, because of the delightful evenings at Long Acre 
Chapel. Ah, how much more comfort have I now than 

* Mrs. Hawkes observed to a friend, that the singing of songs was a 
part of worldly conformity — the last she icas able to give up. 



24 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

formerly in going to the theatre ; which I was so immoderately 
fond of, as to believe I could never become indifferent to it. A 
letter from my invaluable sister Jones did me much good upon 
this point." 

Extracts from the religious correspondence between Mrs. 
Hawkes and Mrs. Jones having been preserved, and kindly 
furnished by a member of Mrs. Hawkes' family, an opportunity 
is afforded of supplying that part of Mrs. Jones' letter to which 
allusion has just been made ; it is as follows : — 

" You ask me respecting the innocence of going to hear and 
see Mrs. Siddons. For my own part, though my taste might 
be pleased, I should be afraid to frequent the theatre, because 
of the evil influence attending such places. I apprehend th? 
if in such an assembly, our eyes, like those of the servant of 
Elisha, were opened, we should see a host of evil spirits differ- 
ently engaged, according to the variety of dispositions and pro- 
pensities they had to encounter ; and we might reasonably ex- 
pect, that if any of the worshippers of God had dared to venture 
in a place so consecrated to Satan, that he would appoint some 
of his first engines to attack them." 

Mrs. Hawkes next notices in her diary, a visit to a clergy- 
man in the country, who had " run well," but w 7 ho from her 
reflections seems to have been a backslider. Her remarks 
show that her own conscience was truly tender, and keenly 
alive to the concerns of her soul. 

May 3, 1789. — "Arrived at , a beautiful rural spot. 

Much money has been expended to beautify the house and gar- 
dens : — but alas ! I perceive that though their possessor has re- 
course to employment — to music — to company — he is like the 
dove that found no rest for the sole of her foot. Oh, that he 
would return to the ark !" 

Sunday. — " A beautiful little church, on an enchanting spot 
of rising ground, very picturesque and interesting. But the 
waters are bitter ; nothing grows ! 

"My prayers and tears will not avail, but who can tell ?" 

June 25. — " Returned to town. My revered minister, and 
the Rev. Mr. Burn, breakfasted with us. ' The tongue of the 
just is as choice silver.' 

" My trials at home seem heavier after an absence. ' The 
heart knoweth its own bitterness.' When shall I have attained 
that seemingly hard lesson, to do well and suffer for it patiently ? 
I can suffer for it silently, but where is patience, love, resigna- 
tion ? ' Fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.' 

" The brightest morning has often the darkest evening. So 
it has been with me to-day. So feeble is the texture of my 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1790. 25 

mind, that it is easily thrown into disquietude : but many tears 
will not compose it again. No wonder that such a poor, re- 
bellious, proud, sinful creature as I am, should need, and have, 
correction : but how far less have I than I deserve ! I would 
desire to receive chastening as my necessary food, for ' Whom 
the Lord loveth he chasteneth.' " 

Mrs. Hawkes' dispensation was indeed one of varied and 
long-continued suffering. He, however, who for wise ends 
had so ordered it, had given her a willing and obedient spirit, 
ready to take the appointed yoke and wear it patiently ; which 
disposition was in itself a special blessing. Consolations of the 
highest order were also provided for her. In her knowledge 
of Christ she found " A tabernacle for a shadow in the day 
time from the heat, and for a place of refuge, and for a covert 
from storm and from rain." Isaiah iv. 6. The following 
records will show, that while travelling through a dry and 
weary land, and under a scorching sun, it was in the sanctuary 
that she found shade. 

Sunday, June 28. — "My heart leaps for joy in my restora- 
tion to my beloved and highly valued privileges. ' I would 
rather be a door-keeper in the house of ray God, than dwell in 
the palaces of the ungodly.' " 

Sunday', July 5. — u Great weakness of body — many sharp 
trials from without — a disturbed and distracted mind — an evil 
foolish imagination — a malignant enemy, — all attack me. But 
there is a rock in this weary land." 

Mem. — " Never again comply with any solicitations to 
leave my appointed place of worship ; for where can I go to be 
so richly fed ? Better say no to a friend, than say yes, to my 
soul's loss !" 

Sunday, July 12. — " I feel it a profitable indulgence to at- 
tend early worship at Lothbury. The season is sacred, the 
bustle and folly of the world is not yet awake ; there is a holy 
sympathy in the congregation ; and the ordinance of the Lord's 
Supper is peculiarly delightful. I ought to think little of my 
week-day sorrows, for such inestimable favors on the Sabbath." 

Sunday, July 19. — " I find it good to rise early to secure 
time, before public worship, for reading and prayer : and in 
order that I may do this, let me imitate my honored mother's 
custom of getting every thing of family business done on the 
Saturday night. She never failed to have every thing done, 
even to the preparation of every article for dinner ; so that her- 
self, children, and servants, were freed from all occupation on 
the Sabbath. I recollect with reverence her godly habits. — 
Alas ! how little did I honor her as I ought to have done when 

2 



26 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

she was living. But I feel the benefit of her pious example 
now," 

Sunday, July 26. — "Too ill to observe my usual habit of 
rising early. The Lord will have ' mercy and not sacrifice.' I 
am enabled this day to set to my seal, that in the sanctuary I 
have found rivers of living water ; and my dim eyes begin to 
see a little of the beauty of the Sun of Righteousness." 

Sunday, Auyust 2. — " Who ever trusted in the Lord and 
was disappointed ? Who ever came to him desiring to be fed 
with the bread of heaven, and was sent empty away ? Not I, 
this day, unworthy as I am ! I am made, in a manner, to for- 
get all the piercing sorrows of the week, and to say, let me 
only be favored with the presence of my Saviour, and welcome 
all my allotted trials." 

Thus as a new-born babe did Mrs. Hawkes " desire the sin- 
cere milk of the word that she might grow thereby." She 
expresses strongly, in the following letter to Mrs. Jones, that 
support which she now derived, even in the midst of outward 
trials, from the consolation of religion. 

" This has been a choice morning to my poor barren soul, 
which for the last week has been tried within and without. — 
But blessed be my gracious Lord, who hath poured water 
upon the dry ground of my heart, and caused it to breathe 
forth, longing, panting, desires after Himself. I feel the 
refreshing droppings of his Spirit ; and I am constrained to go 
out after him, whom, having not seen, (glory be to his name,) I 
inexpressibly love and adore ! Oh, the preciousness of a present 
Saviour ! Oh, that he were thus ever present ! I fear that I 
am not enough thankful for the goodness of my God. When 
heavy trials come, I am too apt to be bowed down. Not 
murmuring, thank God ; I think I have not for a long time felt 
any thing of that: — but I fear I am not rejoicing as I ought to 
be, for the many mercies that are mixed with my great trials. 
I call upon you to unite with me in praise and thanksgiving ; 
I cannot give words to my full heart for the goodness and 
tenderness of God to me, the most unworthy of all his creatures. 
Glory be to his name, that he has graciously caused me to 
seek, and to find Him ; — that by bringing me into his mar- 
vellous light, he has afforded me such superior enjoyments, 
such ennobling views, such secret and solid satisfaction ; such 
as, I am sure, never entered into my heart to conceive I Oh, it 
is all wonder and astonishment, that so much mercy should be 
bestowed on so undeserving a wretch ! But these are benefits 
and blessings of redeeming love. Perhaps you will say, I am 
indulging too high a flight. But who can soar too high, when 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1790. 27 

contemplating the wondrous works of redemption ? It is only 
to you, that I indulge the overflowing of my gratitude ; one 
turn of my conscious eye into my vile self, at once awes and 
chastises my rapture ; and tells me, with such favors, how far I 
am from what I ought to be." 

The spiritual joy with which. Mrs. Hawkes was favored in 
the early stages of her conversion, together with her severe 
trials, exemplified in a striking manner the fulfilment of that 
promise, " I will betroth thee unto me forever ; yea, I will be- 
troth thee unto me in righteousness, and in judgment, and in 
loving-kindness, and in mercies, I will even betroth thee unto me 
in faithfulness ; and thou shalt know the Lord." Hosea ii. 19, 
20. It is, however, one characteristic of the new creature to be 
subject to fears respecting its preservation. These fears are natu- 
rally expressed in the following extract from her diary. 

August 3. — " I am truly cast down because the time is ar- 
rived when we make our annual visit into the country. Some 
of the places to which I must go are peculiarly unfavorable to 
religion. I have also formerly exhibited there gayety and folly. 
I have now to make a stand, and support a very different char- 
acter. I am young and inexperienced in Christianity ; I shall 
have no support from any creature. What if I should fall into 
temptation ? what if I should be among such as are ashamed of 
Jesus and his cause ? what if I should be like Pliable, and 
slide away into unworthy compliances ? My very heart is 
ready to faint with fear. But I will pray with Jabez, ' O, that 
thou wouldst bless me indeed, and let thine hand be with me 
to keep me from evil.' " 

Broad Marston* August 7. — " Through mercy, I am here 
in safety, and find my valuable brother Henry in better health. 
May his life long be spared. He is a great ornament to religion, 
and a comfort to all about him. His great strength of under- 
standing, and his remarkable amiableness and composure of 
temper, are truly admirable. I have lived with him many 
years, but I do not remember to have seen him angry on more 
than one occasion. Whenever he reproved either friend, do- 
mestic, or laborer, it was with mildness and dignity ; and his un- 
clouded, cheerful, genuine piety, spread a lustre over the whole 
of his character that was not to be described. may I copy 
his bright example." 

August 9. — " I have been shutting myself up in my dear de- 

* The paternal residence ; and where Mrs. Hawkes had lived till the 
time of her marriage. Her second brother, Henry, continued to rent the 
estate after the death of her parents. 



28 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

parted mother's chamber, the very walls and furniture of which 
are sacred. A thousand times have I marked her retiring into 
it for purposes of devotion. Often have I overheard her strong 
cries and tears to God, and often caught the sound of, ' my chil- 
dren,' as if that interest was uppermost. At morning, at noon, 
and at evening, she never failed to retire to read and pray. 
Thousands of tears has she shed in this chamber : where I have 
sometimes had the privilege of kneeling down by her side. How 
present in her image ! how sweet my communion with her de- 
parted spirit ! Little did I then know the value of her inter- 
cession for her children ; or the weight of her character or ex- 
ample as a Christian. Thank God, I know it now ; and abhor 
myself in proportion as I estimate her. Oh that I might but 
tread in her honored steps ! Oh that her prayers for every 
one of us may be like ' bread cast upon the waters,' found after 
many days ! Oh may my dear mother's God be my God ! 
He graciously carried her through many years of weakness and 
sorrow. He enabled her to walk worthy of her high calling ; 
and he stood by her in a dying hour. Her last words were, 
1 for me to die is gain' — and, ' I will pray for my children while 
I have breath.' " 

" My brother seemed much upon her mind. may his 

mother be much upon his mind, and upon all our minds ; and 
may we meet her in glory ! Who knows but her happy spirit 
has been a witness to my secret transactions in her former cham- 
ber. May all my transactions through life be equally pleasing 
in her eyes !" 

Dudley. — " I am here truly 'like a sparrow upon the house- 
top.' I am full of fears lest I should dishonor that holy name 
and cause I have so lately professed ; — lest I should grieve that 
Holy Spirit, whose influence alone can support and help me. 
Thanks be to God, that he gives me to feel my danger, and 
shows me where lies my strength ; and he also enables me, in 
the spirit of a little child, to tell him all my complaints and 
fears ; and to call upon him for security. ' Hold up my goings 
in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.' " 

Mem. — " ' Beware of hasty friendships ; examine all new 
proposals? I have had one to-day, but the advice at the be- 
ginning of this book* warns me." I have already experienced 
great advantage from endeavoring to follow my wise counsellor, 
in avoiding not only too great a degree of pliableness of temper, 
but also a mean, sneaking, irresolute, shame-faced behavior 
among worldly people. I find by experience, that they soon 

* Her Diary, where she recorded Mr. Cecil's remarks. 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1*790. 29 

discover when the mind is made up ; and on making this dis- 
covery, cease to persuade } t ou to join with them in their pur- 
suits ; while they secretly respect the consistent character. I 
perceive this strongly in the remarks made upon certain persons. 
Some say, we are to become all things to all men. But my 
honored minister observed, we are in danger, lest in imitating 
St. Paul in becoming all things to all men, we attempt his work 
without the ballast." 

It was a great mercy to Mrs. Hawkes, that during her spirit- 
ual conflicts she had a sister strong in the faith, who was to her 
a nursing mother, to whom she could unburden every thought 
with advantage, and meet in return both sympathy and spiritual 
counsel. A reference to the correspondence of these affec- 
tionate sisters, may often illustrate the progress of the work 
of grace in Mrs. Hawkes' mind. In the following letter, Mrs. 
Jones, with a view to encourage her sister, expatiates, in a very 
animating manner, on the love and forbearance of God : she 
writes — 

" I have had many exercises, but God has enabled me to lie at 
anchor until the storm was over. I have had much to bear 
within myself, but God is a God of patience, and therefore he 
beareth not like man, but like himself. There is no end of his 
goodness, no, no end ! We serve a God of love, who accepts 
our endeavors to please him. He is not extreme to mark with 
rigor every little failure, but regards the motive, and the affec- 
tions ; and saith, ' Let your love be without dissimulation : let 
that be fixed ; and as to other things, I know what is in man, 
and consider that he is but dust ; and on that account I have 
opened a fountain to wash away his sin and uncleiinness. His 
defilement shall not hinder the exercise of my love towards him; 
sinful as he is, if he abides in me, (by faith and love,) and my 
words abide in him, (as the mark to which he aims,) he may- 
ask what he will, and it shall be done unto him. that we 
knew the strength of this promise, ' whatsoever ye shall ask the 
Father in my name, it shall be done.' 

" We may torment and perplex ourselves with this and the 
other defect ; but we must come to God to be filled with his 
love. He will strengthen us for every good word and work ; 
for nothing is so active, so operative as love, which the apostle 
fully proves, 1 Cor. xiii. We do not expect enough from this 
love. It is an ocean, and we must cast ourselves into it as well 
as we can. 

" I hope you continue to meet at the throne of grace at 
twelve. I feel it an animating thought, that we can unite in 



30 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

spirit, though we are absent in body. At the Lord's table, last 
Sunday, I had a very invigorating view of the love of God. It 
appeared to me without bounds, and as free as the air we 
breathe, so that my heart could only cry out, ' Lord, / accept it, 
I accept it? If in our most favored moments we have some- 
times a sight of the love of God, which we can by no means 
express in human language, what amazing discoveries shall 
break upon our souls when they leave these clay tenements ! 
The very anticipation of it is glorious !" 

FROM MRS. HAWKES TO MRS. JONES. 

" I thank my dearest sister for her last letter ; it did me good. 
My aching heart feelingly echoed back your words, ' There is no 
end of his goodness ;' if there were, there would be an end of 
our hope, for I am sure there is no end of the daily provoca- 
tions he receives at our hands, at least I can say from mine. I 
seem at this time to be learning deeper lessons of my own utter 
depravity ; and to feel that sin is in every breath I draw, — in 
every pulse that boats. I frequently cannot open my lips ; but 
am only able to prostrate my spirit before God. I feel that if I 
ask favors, I shall abuse them ; and yet I cannot live without 
asking more and more. Therefore I can only pray, if there are 
any in the family of Christ whose case resembles mine, deal with 
me as thou dealest with them. I have been greatly encour- 
aged lately by the consideration of the wisdom of God, and by 
believing that what his wisdom undertakes, his love will com- 
plete. I see, in some measure, that nothing less than infinite 
wisdom, power, and mercy, did ever devise and accomplish the 
salvation of a sinner. I have had some spiritual exercises and 
temptations of late, which I had not expected ; so little do I 
know of the narrow path. Had I experienced these before my 
faith was w r ell grounded, it seems to me, I should have been 
overset. But ' I know in whom I have believed' — and I doubt 
not, though the combat is short and long, and I can only just 
keep my head above water, by seeing sometimes one promise, 
and sometimes another, that either in time or eternity, I shall 
see the needs be for the trials of this part of my pilgrimage. I 
thirst for more divine wisdom ; and if it must be gained by suf- 
fering, so let it be, as far as I shall be able to endure. 

" However, I can say this, * If I am not willing to be cured of 
the disease of sin at any expense, Lord, do it against my will : 
only uphold me during the process.' I know what it is to have 
sharp bodily pains, and can conceive of others still more severe ; 
but all is nothing to that crucifixion of the spirit, which we must 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1790. 31 

pass through. That passage was brought strongly to my mind 
this morning, ' Satan hath desired to have thee, that he might 
sift thee as wheat, but I have prayed for thee. 1 "Who can be 
sufficiently thankful for such an intercessor! Through grace I 
am yet enabled to say, ' Rejoice not against me, O mine ene- 
my ;' I shall yet see thy overthrow and my victory. Through 
the blood of the Lamb, I shall yet be more than conqueror. 
And though various trials and temptations from within and 
without have well nigh shaken to the ground this house of clay, 
yet I trust I have another provided, ' A house not made with 
hands, eternal in the heavens.' Let your prayers, my dear sis- 
ter, help to waft me thither. I need them much. I thank you 
for the benefit I have already derived from them : I entreat yet 
more. I much wish to come to visit you, and I hope I shall 
soon. The time I leave to him who is my guide and comforter, 
as far as comfort is needful. That I have not more, is owing to 
myself ; that I have any, is owing solely to the riches of His 
grace." 

Mrs. Hawkes went soon after to visit her sister in Birmingham, 
which appears from the following notice in her diary : 

Birmingham, Sept. 9, 1789. "The meeting of ministers at 
St. Mary's. Rev. C. Simeon preached from Col. hi. 11. 'Christ 
is all, and in all V 

" ' All in all to the poor — to the rich — to the afflicted — to the 
prosperous — to the weak — to the ignorant — to the guilty.' 

" His sermon animated my heart ; and so did his private, 
social prayer, and conversation. So pious, so affectionate, so 
desirous that I should take Christ to be my all in all ; to give 
myself as a chaste virgin to be married to Christ ; to cleave 
to him closely, as the shadow moves wherever the substance 
moves. 

" My heart responds to his entreaty. I desire that Christ 
should be all in all." 

Sept. 1 5. — " Returned to Broad Marston. "Went to visit my 
aged and excellent Aunt S.* ' an Israelite indeed,' not outwardly 
only, but in the heart. She is naturally more like an angel than 
any character I know ; but grace superadded, makes her also a 
saint. Not in her own eyes — for she is a mirror of humility, 
true and unfeigned. Her daughter, Mrs. Cooper, is also an ex- 
cellent, sincere Christian, who seems to have a good portion of 
Mary's heart, with Martha's hands. She is a miracle of patience 
and resignation. Though she is said to have a confirmed can- 
cer in each breast, she appears quite cheerful, and sings walking 

Her father's sister. 



32 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

about the house as if nothing was the matter. She declares, that 
notwithstanding she has witnessed the sufferings and death of 
her sister, from this disease, and has no reason but to expect to 
go through the same, yet she has seldom an anxious hour on 
that occasion ; for she can leave the matter with God, who will 
either deliver or support her, through whatever afflictions he lays 
upon her." 

Mem. — " Mrs Cooper lived only a few years after this, and 
then died suddenly ! How wise, and how happy, to commit 
her cares to him who cared for her. What would her anxi- 
eties have done these few remaining years, save, perhaps, to 
have brought on the very sufferings she had reason to fear ? 
O how sinful to distrust God, and meet trouble before it comes ; 
thereby making it double. Yet this I am doing every day. 
Lord, enable me to leave caring for the morrow, and trust sim- 
ply to thee !" 

Honeybourne* Sept. 20. — " I have this day been visiting the 
grave of a female friend and companion of my younger days, who 
died in the 27th year of her age. She, like myself, no sooner 
married, than she became a child of sorrow. Her constitution 
seemingly very strong, was broken by affliction ; and she was 
carried off by a rapid consumption. Her grave speaks loudly to 
me. May I hear, and observe ; and may I, like her, die in hope 
of a blessed resurrection." 

Birmingham, Oct. 10. — "Happy to return to this favored 
place. Heard the Rev. Mr. Burn, from Luke xxii. 31, 'Simon, 
Simon ; Satan hath desired to have thee, to sift thee as wheat : 
but I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not !" 

" A remarkable circumstance occurred under this very ani- 
mated and striking sermon. A poor woman had for some time 
been under a violent, and almost irresistible temptation to drown 
herself; and declared, she had actually risen from her seat no 
less than twenty times with a design to throw herself into the 
canal. One of her neighbors seeing her this morning weeping 
bitterly, inquired into the cause of her distress, and talked with 
her, but without much effect. While Mr. Burn was preaching 
at St Mary's church, she, by seeming accident, dropped in, and 
was so arrested by the discourse, that she returned home quite 
another creature. 

" Such is the benefit of being in the way of duty ; and such 
the infinite mercy of having a Saviour who says to all his tempted 
ones, ' I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not !' " 

London, Sunday, Nov. 1 — -"I desire to be unfeignedly 

* Residence of her eldest brother, Nathaniel. 



CHAP. II. FROM A. D. 1785 TO 1790. 33 

thankful for the comfort I have this day received in the ordi- 
nance of the Lord's Supper. May I never lose sight of the en- 
gagements which I made at the altar, to give myself wholly to 
the Lord ; and to take him to be my righteousness, sanctification, 
and redemption." 

Wednesday, Bee. 2. — " My Sundays and Wednesdays are my 
days of holiday, — days of feasting. I rejoice in their return ; and 
they afford me ten thousand times more satisfaction and real 
pleasure than all my days of gayety and mirth." 

Friday, Jan. 1, 1790. — "Had a visit from my revered 
father in the Gospel, who, as he always does, gave me the 
richest instruction ; which, though I cannot recollect as to the 
expression, is, I trust, as to the substance, engraven on my heart. 

" ' Rejoice,' he said, ' rather than despond, at the discoveries 
you obtain of the deceitfulness of your heart. It may be painful 
to you, but it is safe. Christians must fight, not faint. Such 
as get the deepest knowledge of their indwelling evils, are better 
grounded in religion than those who only see the surface. Ob- 
serve what views David had of his sinfulness. 

" ' Take care of reading what is called Christian Experi- 
ence. Very few of such books are well written, that is, have 
the experience simply stated : only mark the difference between 
the characters given us in the Bible, and the characters usually 
drawn by man. God gives the true, simple account of the char- 
acter. He writes down the defects as well as the excellences. 
But when man undertakes to write, he gives the best side of the 
story : he generally dresses out the character in all its excellen- 
ces, and casts the defects into the shade. Do not, therefore, take 
your standard from human observation, but divine. Do not take 
another person's conscience for the rule of your own ; for there 
are innumerable cases wherein one cannot judge for another. 
Study the Scriptures with prayer, and a teachable spirit, and 
you will never greatly err.' 

" Mem. — This is a word in season ; for I have been ready to 
think I ought to turn to every passing pilgrim for help ; and be- 
cause I felt reluctant so to do, my scrupulous conscience has con- 
demned me, as proud and fastidious. How thankful ought I to 
be for so wise and condescending a counsellor : for I am per- 
suaded, that if in a multitude of counsellors there is safety, in 
a multitude of counsellors there is also confusion." 

It were to be wished that Mrs. Hawkes had always inserted 
in her diary the particular fact, question, or difficulty, which drew 
put those remarks of Mr. Cecil's which she so carefully recorded. 
This would have thrown a stronger light on the foregoing ob- 
servations respecting Christian Biographv, as well as given a 
2* "- " ' 



34 MEMOIRS OP MRS. HAWKES. 

greater interest to the ideas themselves, as they occur on this 
and other occasions. 

Wednesday. — "How have I been feasted this evening by 
hearing from Heb. xii. 7, 8 : 'If ye endure chastening, God 
dealeth with you as with sons ; for what son is he whom the fa- 
ther chasteneth not ? But if ye be without chastisement, where- 
of all are partakers, then are ye bastards, and not sons. Let 
me learn not to murmur ; but rather rejoice, under the repeated 
marks I have of sonship." 

Friday. — " I am greatly alarmed and distressed to hear of a 
painful complaint under which my valuable friend and father 
now labors. I fear I have too much anxiety lest I should lose 
such an instructor. I ought to look to that Divine Teacher 
who has said, 'I will never leave thee nor forsake thee.' But, 
alas ! my faith is small, my weakness great ; and my ignorance 
extreme. I shall never meet with such another minister ; so 
able, so condescending. Surely he may say with St. Paul, 
' We were gentle among you, even as a nurse cherisheth her 
children.' " 

Sunday. — "This is the most melancholy Sabbath I have 
passed since my attendance at St. John's chapel ! My invalua- 
ble teacher is too ill to preach ; and my eyes run down with 
tears. In vain I try to encourage myself in hope : but I can 
pray, and that shall be my comfort." 

Mrs. Hawkes' tender feelings on the occasion of the illness of 
her minister (which, however, proved but temporary), recall to 
mind the Galatian converts, to whose zealous affection St. Paul 
bears so remarkable a testimony, chap. iv. 14, that they had 
received him as " an angel of God, even as Christ Jesus." 
And he bears them record, that if it had been possible, they 
would have plucked out their own eyes to have given them to 
him. He also appeals to God as to the sincerity of his own 
ardent affection towards those whom he had " begotten through 
the Gospel," when he says, "For God is my record how greatly 
I long after you all in the bowels of Jesus Christ :" Phil. i. 8, 
using towards them the most endearing compellations, " There- 
fore my brethren, dearly beloved and longed for, my joy and 
crown, so stand fast in the Lord, my dearly beloved :" Phil. iv. 
1. And for their "furtherance and joy of faith," he has confi- 
dence that God would even preserve his life, that their rejoicing 
in Christ Jesus for him might be more abundant by his coming 
to them again. Phil. i. 25. Animated and actuated by the same 
spirit, faithful ministers and true converts are " of one mind, hav- 
ing the same love," and enjoying the same everlasting consola- 
tion in Christ Jesus our Lord. 



CHAPTER III. 



FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT HOLLO WAY TO HER 
LEAVING THAT PLACE. 

1-B.OiI A. D. 1790 TO 1196. 

Her attachment to Holloway — Dedicates her house to God — Visited by- 
Mr. Cecil — His conversation — Her domestic trials — Correspondence 
with Mrs. Jones — Death of her brother Henry — Begins to insert in 
her diary notes of Mr. Cecil's sermons — Improves ber retirement by 
solid reading — Visits Broad Marston — Birmingham — Madely — Inter- 
view with Mrs. Fletcher — Return to Hollo-way — Illness of Mrs. Cecil 
— Feelings of Mr. Cecil on the occasion — Mr. and Mrs. Hawkes 
visit Birmingham, Dudley, Sutton, and Vest Broomwich, accompa- 
nied by Mr. Cecil — Remarks of Mr. Cecil — Of the Rev. John jSewton 
— Of the Rev. V. Jesse — Return to Town — Mrs. Hawkes' memo- 
randum on opening the year 1793 — Her long confinement by illness 
— Her thoughts on recovery — Fast day 1796 — Mr. Cecils sermon — 
His Remarks — Letters — Digression on Melancholy — Mrs. Hawkes 
goes to Dover — Her state of anxiety there — Returns to Holloway, 
and finds it a scene of agitation — Mrs. Jones requests for her a 
temporary asylum in Mr. Cecil's house. 

It has already been hinted that Mrs. Hawkes had peculiar 
and severe trials of a domestic nature. These weighed heavily 
on her spirits, and led her to seek, by retirement and prayer, 
the strength and support she needed. Worldly company and 
amusements had now no charms for her. It may therefore be 
easily conceived, with what satisfaction she "found that it was 
the intention of Mr. Hawkes to take a house at Holloway, a 
spot about four miles from Town, connected with a small farm. 
To this place she afterwards became exceedingly attached ; 
and during the few years she remained there she had, not- 
withstanding the continuance of her usual trials, many allevia- 
tions. She had frequent opportunities of enjoying the society 
and conversation of Christian friends, who were invited to her 
house. But especially did she derive consolation and advan- 
tage, from the pastoral visits of him whom she always mentions 
as her revered father in the gospel, the Rev. Richard Cecil. 
Nor was her ^attendance on his ministry interrupted by her 



36 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

removal from town. She constantly drove this short distance 
to St. John's Chapel. It will be interesting to refer to her own 
memorandums at this time, and also during her subsequent 
abode at Holloway : an interval of about seven years. 

Though these extracts will furnish but little incident, they 
strikingly mark the spirit and temper of a young convert 
earnestly seeking after God, delighting in his word and ordi- 
nances, and desiring to be fed with " hidden manna," under the 
influences of his Spirit. 

March 8, 1*790. — "Drove to-day to see the farm at Hollo- 
way. I fear I am too anxious to obtain it : but I have many 
painful reasons for desiring to leave town, which are known 
only to myself. If I know any thing of my own heart, my first 
and chief object in desiring Holloway, is, to obtain retirement, 
leisure and quiet, in order to pursue the things — not of 
sense — but of faith. My broken health — depressed spirits — 
and many other things — make me long for solitude." 

Friday, March 19, 1790.— "Slept at Holloway for the first 
time : and I cannot help saying, ' This same shall comfort me.' 
Which I say with more confidence ; because it is the thing I 
have prayed for, and because I expect comfort here, only from 
God's making it to be a comfort. I look to him to bless and 
sanctify it to the strengthening and enriching of my soul. 
I have hitherto lived like a soldier in the heat of the battle, 
surrounded by confusion and dismay, now I am permitted to 
retire ; and trust that I shall not become a slothful but a more 
laborious servant in the vineyard. From this hour I dedicate, 
as far as lies in my small power, this house to be a house of 
prayer — a Bethel. May none resort hither but such as love 
and call upon his name. May every day be a day of con- 
secration, of secret transaction and intercourse with Him who 
has so mercifully given it me : and whatever may continue to 
be my daily trials of faith and patience, let me now seek to 
endure them with three-fold resignation ; considering how 
greatly my heavy, piercing, load is lightened by this retreat." 

" My suffering time will soon be o'er, 
Soon shall my soul away : 
Then shall I sigh and sin no more, 
But sing through endless day." 

April 10. — " Favored with a call from my revered minister. 
My heart burns within me when I hear the instruction and 
conversation of the godly. Let me here record Mr. C.'s advice 
and remarks. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1T96. 37 

Advice. " ' Do not read the Bible with notes only. It is a 
loss to confine yourself to any commentator. Read it with 
prayer, and listen simply to the best Teacher, the Holy Spirit ; 
who will sometimes so shine upon the word, as to afford you an 
insight and understanding of the Scriptures such as no com- 
mentator upon earth can give. Then you will not only under- 
stand it, but lay hold of it. 

" ' Daily observe regular, stated times, for retirement. Let 
reading, prayer, and meditation, have each their place : each is 
of importance. Take a verse of Scripture at a time, ponder 
over it ; examine it in its connection — reference — bearing ; try 
what you can get out of it. Where a preacher might draw 
many inferences, you may perhaps be able to draw but one or 
two ; but if you persevere, you will every day get more and 
more from your Bible. If you should find these stated periods 
sometimes formal and heavy — yet go on — do not be dis- 
couraged — you will, upon the whole, obtain much benefit : for 
whoever makes a serious inquiry after religion, will always 
meet with an answer from the gospel.' " 

Question " Respecting withdrawment from the world." 

Answer. " ' Christian courage does not consist in a disposition 
to retire from the world in absolute solitude; but in mixing 
with it, and yet living above it ; in being in the world, but not 
of it ; in making a bold stand for Christ ; being as the salt of 
the earth. Yet retirement, at certain seasons, should be secured. 
We should endeavor to preserve such a spirit in society as to 
make us relish retirement ; and so improve retirement, as to 
make us useful to society. Our troubles arise not from our 
living in the world, but from the world living in us. One part 
of the world is that of inordinately coveting the praise of our 
fellow-creatures. 

" ' Endeavor to go into the world, as far as you are called so 
to do, putting honor upon your Christian profession ; and if any 
ask you a reason of the hope that is in you, tell them meekly, 
1 It is the blood of sprinkling.'' " 

"Mr. C. gave us an account of the death of a certain pro- 
fessor of religion, and observed, — ' we have no right to expect a 
triumphant death-bed, unless we have walked with God in our 
life.' " 

April 12. — "Thankful for being able to keep my mouth as 
with a bridle under much aggravation. I have often occasion 
for the bridle ; but I am always able to use it." 

" Though now the storm of sorrow roar, 
And raise in cares, a troubled sea ; 



38 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

Yet when I stand on yonder shore, 
There will be calm enough for me. 
Why then for tempests should I care, 
Since they but drive me sooner there ?" 

December 31, 1790. — "Many have been the mercies of this 
year, spiritual and temporal. Above all, the use of the blessed 
ordinances is my great mercy. Query. — Does my improvement 
keep pace with my advantages ? Does my soul grow in grace ? 
Do I endeavor to conduct myself in a very trying situation 
with that wisdom and meekness, humility and patience, in 
which I am so clearly instructed ? Have I the charity which 
endureth all things ? Am I a doer of the word as well as a 
hearer ? Do I bring home the truths I hear so faithfully 
preached, and turn them into practice — or are they only as a 
pleasant song ? pleasant to the ear, and even to the understand- 
ing ; but taking no root in the heart. Alas ! I might fill 
sheets of paper with heads of self-examination, to which I can 
only answer, ' Cleanse thou me from my secret faults.' I have 
wept and prayed for this retreat, where I might, in some mea- 
sure, be screened in many painful and agitating occurrences to 
which I am liable in town ; and where I might withdraw from 
such society as know not God, and be more able to cultivate a 
life of faith. All these things have been wonderfully granted 
me. ' Bless the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his 
benefits.' O send forth thy Holy Spirit to teach me to profit ; 
or all these advantages will afford me nothing." 

January 9, 1791. — " My heart is sick to hear of the wander- 
ings of one who has for many years stood high in the estima- 
tion of the Christian world. Alas ! alas ! this is what I have 
feared, lest I should begin to run, but not hold out to the end. 
It is ' He that endureth to the end that shall be saved.' ' Hold 
thou me up, that my feet slip not !' " 

Jan, 10. — " A sharp trial this evening. O that I had wings 
like a dove ! for then would I fly away, and be at rest. What 
though my troubles are like an overwhelming tide, yet my 
privileges are very great. The special favor of hearing the 
gospel, so purely and richly preached, should reconcile me to 
all my trials. And truly if it were not for the comforts God is 
pleased to bestow, I should soon be in wretched despair, for 
as to this world, every prospect of happiness is struck at the 
very root, 

" The banks are needed when the billows roar." 

Under the pressure of increased trials Mrs. Hawkes wrote 
the following letter to her sister Mrs. Jones. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1^90 TO 1*796. 39 

" I am sorry to find my dear sister, like myself, infested with 
many anxieties, though of a different nature. Mine have been 
very heavy indeed of late. For some time past, I have not 
been enabled, (in the degree I have been graciously assisted 
heretofore, to roll back my burden on the Lord. But he saw 
'me ready to faint, and mercifully vouchsafed me timely help. 
Let none fear trouble with such a compassionate Saviour for a 
sustainer : for verily he is not a High-Priest that cannot be 
touched with a feeling of our infirmities ; but who hath a con- 
descending and tender sympathy with us under them ; which he 
will manifest in the time, and manner, and measure, which His 
infinite wisdom sees best. As for me, I am quite ashamed of 
myself; truly it may be said, 'If thou faint in the day of ad- 
versity thy strength is small. Small, indeed, is my strength, 
or rather, feeble is the hold which faith takes of an Almighty 
arm. I am willing to allow, (for who is not willing to make 
self-excuses ?) that my trials are peculiar, and ray present bodily 
weakness and languor does much towards enfeebling the mind 
also ; yet I have still much to be ashamed of. Our great busi- 
ness in life is to glorify God, and to speak abroad his praise ; 
— and the fittest time to do this is under suffering. It is easy 
enough to sing when the sun shines : but when the heart and 
flesh fail, then to rejoice in the Lord, becomes the true servants 
of so good a Master. In the grave the tongue is silent. It 
can no more publish to fellow-sinners, and fellow-sufferers, that 
' The Lord is good, a strong hold in the day of trouble ;' and 
that his tender mercies are more in number than the sands of 
the sea. It is therefore the living only that can praise him ; 
and of all living, the afflicted believer, whose very trouble is 
sanctified, has reason to be loudest in the song." 

In reply to her sister, Mrs. Jones writes : 

" It is a mighty conflict ; and if you had not an Almighty 
Friend to hold you up, your heart and flesh would fail. But 
he will strengthen your heart, and enable you to fight manfully 
He has brought you into these trials that you may raise an Ebe- 
nezer to his name, and bear testimony to the truth, and write 
tried under the promise, ' As thy day is, so shall thy strength 
be.' God will prove his beloved ones, that they may be con- 
strained to prove him. A good man used to say, that the same 
Almighty power which made the world, was also granted to 
the Christian. You have an anchor that will hold you fast. 
It is sufficient at such times as these, to endure, as seeing him 
that is invisible. By and by you will reap the pleasant and 



40 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

peaceable fruits of these afflicting seasons and exercises. What 
a happy day will that be when this mortal shall put on immor- 
tality ! but we should be willing to fight before we are crowned ; 
and the Apostle says we do not fight ' uncertainly? Even the 
most unpleasant vacuities in life have their uses; we mast be 
made to feel what we are — poor fallen creatures — that we may 
be thankful for that grace which transformeth us into a better 
image. The knowledge of our weakness must ever be attend- 
ed with painful sensations ; and I apprehend that we shall ever 
be increasing in that knowledge as long as we are in the body. 
But the more we feel our disease, the more shall we prize and 
apply our remedy. May you, with the strong arm of faith, 
be able to lay hold of the Saviour, till he perfect his strength 
in your weakness. I endeavor to bear you before him, and to 
entreat his mercy. I would not prescribe to him who loves 
you in connexion with your eternal interests. It is indeed diffi- 
cult to believe that all this is for the best ; but we cannot read 
God's dispensations aright ; they are too high for mortals to 
spell them out. Faith and resignation are written in the most 
legible characters : we may consider them well ; and may Jesus 
Christ work them in us." 

Thus did He, " who giveth songs in the night," enable these 
two sisters to cheer and animate each other, by mentioning 
" the loving-kindness of the Lord, and the praises of the Lord." 
And thus did they begin that song which now, in the paradise 
of God, they sing with louder and sweeter notes, to him who 
loved them and washed them from their sins in his own blood. 

The next memorandum in Mrs. Hawkes' diary, illustrates 
a peculiar feature in her natural character, namely, a tendency 
to pensive depression, — which could not but mingle itself with 
her religious feelings, and throw a sombre complexion over 
many parts of her early Christian experience. A highly sen- 
sitive and reflective mind, meeting with trials of a peculiarly 
depressing nature, would, without great self-control, be liable 
to indulge melancholy : or, as the poet expresses it, to " nourish 
wo." 

Tuesday. — " Every time I leave the noisy town and return 
to this delightful solitude, my heart overflows with thankful- 
ness for such an asylum. Here I have much quietness. I de- 
sire to be thankful that I have no children : on many accounts 
they would be the occasion of great sorrow. I have nothing 
now that ties me to the world. My only source of comfort 
arises from the prospect of soon leaving it for ever ; and my 
chief object till that happy time arrives, shall be to make pre- 
parations for it. 'In my father's house are many mansions.' 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*7 90 TO 1796. 41 



Weary world of sin and anguish, 
How I long from thee to fly ; 
Fainting for relief I languish, 
Dying through desire to die. 
O my life, my only treasure, 
Let me cast it all behind ; 
Now fill up my mournful measure, 
Now my heavenly Canaan find. 

Never shipwreck'd mariner wanted, 
More to reach the distant shore ; 
Never wand'ring exile panted 
For his native country more. 
Hear my earnest application, 
Thou who only canst release, 
Show me now thy full salvation, 
Let mo now depart in peace I" 

Wednesday. — " How suddenly the darkest cloud overspreads 
the brightest sky ! This has been a calm and clear day : but 
my evening is dark and dismal. An old disturbance has thrown 
my whole frame into the utmost agitation ; I was glad to escape 
to the house of God : but even there my affrighted mind could 
not be calmed. For the first time, I ventured to say something 
of my trials to my minister, who is appointed as a shepherd 
to watch over, direct, and instruct his flock. I perceive he 
has an aversion to hear of any family matters, and discourages 
all sorts of complainings. His advice was, ' watch over your 
own spirit and temper. Remember you are a Christian, and 
have therefore high claims upon you.' " 

" May the lessons of this day be as lasting as they are pain- 
ful, and as salutary as they are wounding. Many peculiari- 
ties in my situation and case, are there, which are only known 
to God and my own bleeding heart. No wonder, therefore, 
if reproof has in it some mistake. Nevertheless, I am, I trust, 
unfeignedly thankful for the inestimable blessings of having a 
minister who will not ' daub with untempered mortar ;' but 
will use the probe where he thinks he sees occasion. It is my 
shame to shrink under such a fatherly hand. But it is my 
feelings only ; for my judgment rejoices in that precious oil, 
which shall never bruise, but cheer my head." 

August, 1*791, Sunday. — "My mind is under great anxiety 
for my honored minister, who is again confined by illness. 
Oh what a desert land would this be if deprived of such a 
shepherd ! ' Cast thy burden on the Lord, and he shall sustain 
thee.' " 

Sept. 1791. — "I have this morning been weeping with dear 



42 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

Mrs. C. over the sad news she has just received from her in- 
valuable husband, who is at Bath. Alas ! her loss must be irre- 
parable ; and as to the church ! Tears are literally my meat 
and drink !' " 

Friday, Oct. 28, 1791. — "Set out for Broad Marston to see 
my dying brother, Henry : but it was too late, except to see him 
in his coffin ! For my dear brother, so far as respected him- 
self, there was no cause to grieve. The last three years of his 
life he had been wasting under a fatal disease ; but he was 
ready for his removal. He was an ornament to religion — a 
light shining in a dark place. 

" A friend asked him in his dying moments, if the prospect 
of glory opened to him. To which he replied, with much ani- 
mation — ' It opens ! it opens !' and after a little time, spent 
seemingly in silent prayer, he died like one falling asleep. — 
Oh, that I may die the death of the righteous ! and may I live 
the life of the righteous also. 

" And now both of my honored parents are ' inheriting the 
promises,' and, I trust, also seven brothers and sisters. Oh 
that each one left behind may be as safely landed ! Thanks 
be to God for his unspeakable mercy in having at length, after 
much obstinacy, made me hear, (I trust so as to obey,) his 
long neglected call of mercy. A few more waves of trouble, 
and I shall, I hope, join my blessed relatives to sorrow and 
sigh no more. Hasten, Lord, that happy day ! and till it shall 
arrive, ' O guide me with thine eye.' Suffer me no more to 
go after ' lying vanities ;' but keep me in the midway of the 
paths of righteousness, which are pleasantness and peace." 

Tuesday. — " Reached Birmingham this day, found my dear 
sister a spectacle of wo, having passed many weeks of severe 
suffering for her son Charles. His visitation was attended with 
some peculiarly distressing aggravations. Though young, being 
only ten years of age, the enemy seemed permitted to harass 
him in a way very wonderful. But a little before his death, 
he became composed and happy. His mother asked, what 
made him happy ? He answered, ' Because I love God, and 
can pray.' " 

Nov. 1. — " Returned to London. My heart is made glad by 
seeing again my honored minister after his return from Bath. 
The Lord is indeed a hearer of prayer ; and has added, I trust, 
many years to his valuable life for the sake of his church and 
family ; and for the glory of his own name. Let me more than 
ever take heed how I hear, and treasure up his valuable in- 
structions. 

" ' Shun,' said he, • matters of controversy, and points of doc- 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 43 

trine, too high for young converts, who should be fed with the 
sincere milk of the word, and not with strong meat. 

" ' Many professors, instead of conversing upon vital and ex- 
perimental religion, are ever disputing about doctrines. Such 
are like persons that are sick, and having no appetite for solid 
food, amuse themselves with turning over the bones. 

" ' Some hearers of the gospel like to have nothing said but 
what is encouraging and comforting. Such resemble persons in 
weak health who would always be taking cordials, which though 
they may for a time raise the spirits, yet secretly undermine the 
strength. A Christian should not only regard the Scripture 
promises but the Scripture threatenings, warnings, and reproofs. 
The whole of Scripture is Scripture ; not a part. 

" ' Many are ready to allegorize the Scriptures without any 
due consideration of the analogy of faith, or the proportion of 
things compared one with another, or any regard to the genuine 
sense of the words : — this is to corrupt the word of God.' 

"Mr. C. speaking of women, made a distinction between 
what might be called literary women, and reading women. — 
1 All women,' he said, ' should be readers, as far as their stations 
and circumstances would admit. They should be so for their 
own sakes — for the sake of their families — and for the sake of 
society. But what might be termed a literary woman, that is, 
a learned woman, should, and generally did, continue unmar- 
ried ; for their public character was apt to make them unfit for 
private and domestic cares. The excellence and honor of a wife,' 
he remarked, ' was to be ' a keeper at home,' as saith St. Peter. 
Not pressing into public, — but abiding quietly in her station 
and calling ; contented to be unknown, unnoticed, except for 
family virtues.' " See Pro v. xxxi. 

Mrs. Hawkes' habit of treasuring up instruction, whether 
addressed to herself or others, will farther appear by the follow- 
ing notice of her diary : 

Nov. 15, 1791. — "Took leave of Miss A., who is going to 
Paris to study the French language. Mr. C.'s advice to her 
was, ' As you are entering upon a new scene, and will have 
many snares and dangers to meet, endeavor to obtain a feeling 
of the importance of your conduct in every step you take. Do 
not think little of small deviations, in order to make yourself 
agreeable and well-received. 

" ' A professor of religion should take especial care in his in- 
tercourse with the world, to avoid what might be termed small 
indiscretions of conduct. The world is ever on the watch for 
something upon which to fasten either a scandalous or a foolish 
story. 



44 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" ' As you will not be able to have the privilege of the ordi- 
nances as you have here, endeavor to make up the loss by 
observing in private, on the Sabbath, your usual time of public 
worship ; and read what is appointed for the church. God can 
make the want of ordinances the best ordinance. You will 
feel satisfaction in meeting your old friends in spirit and em- 
ployment, while you are absent in body. Above all, keep close 
to your Bible and prayer. Seek God's blessing on all you do. 
This will be the way to obtain your object even in temporal 
things. If it were my duty to study mathematics, I should pray 
for God's help as much as if I were going to preach. We 
should accustom ourselves to connect God with every thing. 
Our own wisdom and strength will avail us nothing ; but whe 
we can go, with a child-like simplicity and dependence, with all 
our concerns to God, we shall know what it is to be at peace. 
Vast prospects lie before the man that has God for his friend. 
There is a sanctuary in the very order of providence, when we 
are enabled to leave every thing to that order."* 

Mem. — " Ointment and perfume rejoice the heart : so doth 
the sweetness of a man's friend by hearty counsel." 

The following extracts describe one of those painful intervals 
in the Christian's experience, which may be compared to the 
"Winter season ; when nothing seems to grow, but rather to de- 
cline and wither. Such seasons may, however, be turned to im- 
portant use, if employed in breaking up the fallow ground, and 
in preparing the soil for those precious seeds which are to be 
nourished by the returning spring. Nor will the wintry storm 
be without its use, in strengthening the roots, and destroying 
the insects which might otherwise do mischief. 

Dec. 1*791. — " I am fallen into a comfortless state, let me ex- 
amine why it is thus. 

" From a desire not to be thought a gloomy, sour Christian, 
am I equally careful to avoid the opposite extreme ? — or have I 
not fallen into a degree of levity, and joined too much in * fool- 
ish talking and jesting V 

" Am I not become less watchful against what goes by the 
name of little things, forgetting that he who doth so, ' shall fall 
by little and little?' Eccles. xix. 1. 

" Am I as covetous of my time as formerly for good things, 
or do I not suffer lesser matters to intrude ? And because they 
are lawful concerns, neglect to inquire if they might not be 
done at another hour, or in less space, or with less solicitude ? 

* The young lady to whom Mr. C. gave this advice, went to France 
a year before the Revolution ; and was detained a prisoner there for 
four years. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 45 

" Do I secure as much time as usual for morning devotion 
and reading ? especially on the Sabbath, before public worship ? 
Or, do I get negligent, and plead weak health as an excuse for 
self-indulgence ? 

" Do I take care to ponder in my heart the blessed truths I 
hear and read ? mixing faith therewith ? 

" Many more questions might be asked. But I cannot an- 
swer even these, except as the publican, ' God be merciful to me 
a sinner.* 

" A scrupulous conscience certainly is not desirable, nor does 
God desire us to serve him with a slavish fear. But as the 
depravity of nature is ever prone to err on one hand or the other, 
so, happy is the Christian who, when he gets rid of what may 
be justly termed scrupulosity, does not venture too boldly upon 
the ground of liberty, and become a little dim-sighted to small 
deviations. ' Serve the Lord with fear, and rejoice with trem- 
bling.' " 

Sunday. — " "What a distracted mind ! But, ' why art thou 
cast down, O my soul,' since thy salvation rests not on thy 
performances, but on him ' who made by his own oblation of 
himself, once offered, a full, perfect, and sufficient sacrifice 
and satisfaction' for all thy sins and defects \ Nevertheless, a 
wandering mind occasions great loss of advantage and comfort ; 
and while I would not be cast down, yet I would mourn over it. 

"Let me be thankful that Christ's intercession is without 
distraction or interruption. It does infinitely please and pre- 
vail with the Father, when we can hardly speak a word for 
ourselves." 

Wednesday. — " Much instructed and comforted to-day by a 
letter received from my dear sister. It is some consolation to 
find that others have had the same trials with ourselves." 

The correspondence between Mrs. Hawkes and her sister il- 
lustrates the advantage which Christians derive from mutual 
communication on the subject of their spiritual, trials, and en- 
couraging experiences of support under them : a practice which 
is abundantly exemplified in the New Testament records of the 
first Christians ; but especially in the epistles and correspond- 
ence which have come down to us from the reformers and mar- 
tyrs of the English Church in the sixteenth century. 

The following letter appears to be that to which Mrs. H. has 
just referred, in which Mrs. Jones writes : — 

" I do not know a more unpleasant part of a Christian's voy- 
age, than a kind of dead calm in which he appears to make no 
advance ; when the storm runs high and the waters rage and 
swell it is more tremendous, but then the soul is in exertion, la- 



40 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

boring for the port ; and the joyful expectation inspires courage 
to row against wind and tide. But we have committed our- 
selves to the Lord, and as a king will he reign over his people ; 
' for a good man's steps are ordered by the Lord,' both in the 
spiritual and natural life. 

" There is much in us which is not in subjection ; we are fre- 
quently for taking the reins of government out of his hands, 
and choosing for ourselves : but the Lord will subdue all unto 
himself. We are a long time in learning this one short lesson, 
' without me ye can do nothing.' Nor is it possible to under- 
stand it, save by the experience of total helplessness. But to 
doubt of God's help at these times, comes from that enemy who 
is ever employed in attempting to counteract the designs of our 
gracious King towards us. 

" What Mr. C. said of a scrupulous conscience, is highly just. 
I never knew any one that was really in earnest, who had not 
been much afflicted by this old, tried temptation of the enemy. 
And as he finds it succeed so well, no wonder he continues to 
practice it. But as that great man wisely observes, ' Here you 
must feel your way out.' But be comforted with this conside- 
ration, that light is at hand. We must first pass through this 
dark valley ; but notice particularly how Pilgrim passed through 
it. I well remember when travelling this part of the road my- 
self, how my very heart used to ache with the conflicts I had to 
sustain. Day and night did the enemy follow me with his 
scourges. When eating, it was either too much, or the wrong 
sort, or it was not with proper gratitude. If I spoke, it was 
through pride, to seek praise ; or it was idle talk, and wasting 
time ; indeed, there was not an action in which the enemy did 
not follow me, and give me a buffet at every step. If it were 
not for the consolation which God gives us to taste of at such 
times, the spirit would fail : but ' count it all joy :' these afflic- 
tions work experience. 

" I believe what Mr. C. says is quite right. Too many, from 
a manifestation of joy, such as you have had, suppose them- 
selves in a high state of favor, and afterwards they are brought 
very low to humble them. But the dealings of God with his 
people are various. Some receive the blessed witness earlier, 
and some later. Some see more of the depravity of their fallen 
nature before that time, and some afterwards. Therefore we 
should expect and pray to be led as God sees fit ; and not pre- 
scribe anything. ' One day is with the Lord as a thousand 
years.' Manifestations of joy are given to us as refreshments to 
help us on our way ; but are not to be trusted in. We are 
still weak, and must expect to feel so the next time we are as- 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. '4.1 

saulted with that powerful enemy, who fights with us through 
the instrumentality of the unbelieving world — the religious 
world — our friends and our enemies — our appetites — our busi- 
ness — our lawful cares — and our natural propensities. One way 
or other he will strive to hinder our running the race. But 
faith is our shield : we are saved in all these by the vigorous 
exercises of faith. If / should be the means of hurting your 
mind at any time, the best way to disappoint the enemy in his 
machinations is to tell it me directly. I do expect he will try 
to avail himself of me ; therefore be prepared : 

' For truest friends, through error wound our peace.' 

FROM MRS. HAWKES TO MRS. JONES. 

" I heartily thank my dearest sister for her most welcome 
letter. Human friendship is an uncertain good, and a hack- 
neyed theme : but I was delighted to-day in the consideration 
that yours and mine was now cemented by divine love ; built 
upon a foundation that cannot be moved. Your letters are an 
unspeakable cordial and help to my drooping spirits. To know 
I am under such a Divine leader ought to reconcile me to my 
journey, however painful or dreary. Yet I am ever ready to 
faint by reason of the way. I believe that when poor Christian 
was getting up the Hill Difficulty, he was at one time so hard 
put to it, as to be obliged to scramble upon his hands and 
knees. I have of late seemed reduced to the same expedient, 
for my burdens are so various and so heavy, I can neither walk 
nor run, but toil, and pant, and creep forward. Thanks be to 
God, however, my aim through and under all, is, upwards — to 
get on, if by any means. And sometimes he condescends to 
grant me a gracious revival by the way, whereby I gain breath 
a little, and a fresh determination to press on ; taking for my 
encouragement, that it is no new thing, because pur Lord fore- 
told us that in the world we should have tribulation, but that 
in him we should have peace. Lord, in mercy grant me that 
peace ! Prayer, as you say, is my only resource ; with faith, 
hope, and patience : waiting till the vision shall speak. Indeed, 
when I am enabled to pray, I get on : but I have been lately 
subject to so much bodily langor and weariness, with agitated 
nerves, that my mind seems capable of little more than breath- 
ings. 

" I have been comforted by that very expression in the La- 
mentations : ' Hide not thine ear from my breathing.' The 
Spirit helpeth our infirmities, and, as Owen says, ' Intercedes 



48 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

within, while a mighty Advocate is interceding without, at the 
right hand of the Father.' With such helps, and such promises, 
how weak is that faith which sinks ! and yet my spirit did sink 
under the apprehension of fresh disturbances and agitation 
lately." " The waves rose very rapidly : but I endeavored 
to recollect my lesson, and look at the Master of the storm, 
and at his will in the affair ; and the storm in some measure 
abated. Pray for me, that I may be enabled to say, ' Thy will 
be done.' He knows how feeble and how frail I am ; that ' I 
am become like a bottle in the smoke ;' and he will not crush 
but deliver. 

" I am endeavoring to improve occasions. A thousand 
occurrences arise, as my days and hours pass on, which give 
me an opportunity of getting some slight view of my own heart ; 
as little crevices in a shutter or door admit a ray of light, by 
which if one cannot discover all that a dark room contains, one 
may see some few objects. Oh, self! self! thou tormentor of 
my peace ! Well, I hope not to be mourning over the ruins, 
but looking to the recovery. I can say with truth, my heart 
smites me, and I am filled with shame when I consider how 
little I render to the Lord for all his benefits ; and how much 
unbelief, foreboding fears, and inward depravity, pride, impa- 
tience, and self-will yet remain. However, the process of the 
refiner, is, I trust, still going on ; and my earnest prayer is, 
that like Job, when I am tried, I may come forth as gold. 
Every stroke I more than deserve; but every favor, every 
mercy, is the purchase of an adorable Saviour, freely bestowed, 
for his own name's sake. Pray for me, that I may ever thus 
think and feel ; for I can do so no longer than enabled by 
grace." 

From this period Mrs. Hawkes wrote down in her diary 
those parts of Mr. Cecil's sermons which she felt most useful to 
her. As the entire working of her mind will be seen in the 
manner of improving divine ordinances, and in those records of 
sermons with which her own heart went along, occasional ex- 
tracts from these fragments may interest the reader. 

Jan. 1, 1792. Sunday. — " Heard Mr. C. from Psalm xxvii. 
4. ' One thing have I desired of the Lord, that I will seek 
after ; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of 
my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to inquire in his 
temple.' 

" ' The Psalmist gives his reasons why he desires this ' one 
thing.' First, to behold the beauty of the Lord ; not any one 
particular attribute, but the whole. As beauty consists in an 
assemblage of parts, blending and harmonizing together, so the 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 49 

beauty of the Lord shines forth most fully in the plan of re- 
demption, where ' Righteousness and peace have kissed each 
other ;' where God, by his manifold wisdom in Christ, can be 
just, and yet the justifier of the ungodly. 

" ' The Psalmist also desires to dwell in the temple of the 
Lord, to inquire the divine mind and will. He knows it is 
there that God reveals himself; it is there he bestows his bless- 
ing and favor : therefore, in another place he says, ' My soul 
longeth for thee in a dry and thirsty land, to see thy power and 
glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary.' He also de- 
sires it because it is a place of refuge ; ' For in the time of 
trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion, in the secret of his 
tabernacle shall he hide me.' He does not say he shall have 
no enemies ; but, ' noio shall mine head be lifted up above 
mine enemies.' David had a fourth reason for this earnest wish, 
namely, that he might offer the sacrifices of prayer and praise, 
'Therefore will I offer in thy tabernacle sacrifices of joy.' 

She then adds a prayer, which will be found her usual prac- 
tice in recording sermons. 

" Grant, O Lord, that the rich instructions I have heard this 
day may never be forgotten. Let thy preached gospel be as 
seed sown on good ground, which shall bring forth fruit a hun- 
dred fold. Let thy blessing be upon me, in all my temporal 
and spiritual concerns, through every day of this new year. 
Wash away all my transgressions through the year that is past. 
Enable me to say to whatever would impede my spiritual pro- 
gress, ' Hinder me not.' 

" Oh that I may, like the man after God's own heart, pursue 
only this ' one thing,' to dwell in the house of the Lord all the 
days of my life. 

" One wish, with holy transport warm, 

My heart hath formed, and yet shall form; 

One gift I ask ; — that to my end, 
Fair Zion's courts I may attend, 

There joyful find a sure abode, 

And view the beauty of my God." 

Monday, Jan. 2. — " May I bear in mind the confessions and 
sorrows that closed the year 1791 ! And may this year, en- 
tered upon with many tears and prayers, see better fruit than 
the last ! 

" As I have gained some painful knowledge of my own de- 
fects, so I trust I have attained some comfortable knowledge of 
the gracious character of my Saviour : ' whom not having 

3 



50 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

seen,' I love in some small measure; and desire above all 
things to know and love him more. But let me remember, 
herein is the test of love : ' If ye love me, keep my command- 
ments.' 

" How happy would my days be if I could say, ' As for me 
and my house, we will serve the Lord :' — Yet hero is my com- 
fort : ' Although my house be not so with God, yet he hath 
made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered in all things and 
sure.' " 

Jan. 10. — "Very ill to-day. If I am not self-deceived, I 
have a longing to depart and to be with Christ. Why should 
I wish to stay in this cold desert wilderness ? This is not my 
rest : surely then death should be a welcome to me, as a friend 
that is about to conduct me home. Ah, how many, many, 
sorrows have I here ! But I desire to be resigned to whatever 
my Saviour appoints. I am not my own, but His. His by 
creation — His by redemption — His by adoption — His by a 
cheerful surrender of my vile self to Him. And shall I pre- 
sume to choose for myself, — either health or sickness, disease or 
sorrow, life or death ? I abhor myself, that though I say a 
thousand times over and over, — O my Saviour ! I would not, if 
I could choose for myself ; yet in practice, I am continually 
doing so. How much more is my judgment enlightened than 
my will subdued. I wonder if I shall always have to lament 
this. Thanks for the promise, ' Sin shall not have dominion 
over you.' " 

Wednesday, Feb. 16, 1792. — "In returning home from 
Long-Acre Chapel this evening, among other things, my re- 
vered minister, with much solemnity, said, — ' Whatever your 
path in this world may be, whether smooth or thorny, I trust 
you will never be suffered to depart from God, or be unstable 
in your profession. Any thing but that. May / never become 
a witness against you in the day of judgment. Any thing but 
that /' 

" And now, O Lord, in my secret chamber, my prayer unto 
thee is indeed, ' Any thing but that.'' O let me suffer poverty, 
affliction, and a thousand deaths, rather than forsake my God 
— rather than turn again to the lying vanities of this world. 
My eyes run down with tears lest my deceitful heart should 
again be entangled in the love of sin. What an awful idea : 
that my faithful minister should ever appear as a witness 
against me at the bar of God ! O Lord, preserve and keep me 
in the right way : lead me, and teach me in the way of thy 
commandments. Shall I ever be plucked out of thy gracious 
hands ? Hast thou not said of thy sheep, that they shall not ? 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 51 

let me not turn to broken cisterns, since thou hast given me 
to taste of the living water." 

Thursday. — " Never can it be told what is contained in these 
gracious words, 'And when he putteth forth his own sheep, 
he goeth before them, and the sheep follow him, for they know 
his voice.' 

" And again, ' I give unto them eternal life, and they shall 
never perish, neither shall any pluck them out of my hand.' My 
Father, which gave them me, is greater than all, and no man is 
able to pluck them out of my Father's hand. 

"Here is a solid rock ! My sins try hard to pluck me out ; 
my over-wakeful enemy tries hard to pluck me out ; but, 
Lord, remember thy word unto thy handmaid whereon thou 
hast caused her to trust : ' None shall pluck them out of my 
hand.'" 

Friday. — How am I terrified at the departure of from 

God ! O Lord, give him not up to judicial blindness. Alas ! 
alas ! Should such a case ever be mine ! What if I too should 
turn to broken cisterns ; should again follow lying vanities, and 
' forsake my own mercies !' And what should hinder me ? 
Nothing but the grace of God. ' Hold thou me up, and I shall 
be safe ;' O take away my life, rather than suffer me ever to 
grieve or quench thy Holy Spirit. 

" This case teaches many awful lessons. May I review them 
often as I go in my pilgrimage. 

" First, I would say respecting the mystery of the subject, 
' Keep me, O Lord, from uttering things that I understand not ; 
things too wonderful for me, that I know not. Behold I am 
vile, I will lay my hand upon my mouth. Shall not the Judge 
of all the earth do right V 

"Secondly, I Avould hear the apostle say, 'Let him that 
thinketh he standeth, take heed lest he fall' And ' See that 
ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise, redeeming the 
time.' 'Let us therefore fear lest a promise being left us of 
entering into rest, any of you should seem to come short 
of it.' " 

Wednesday. — " Whither should mourners go for consolation 
but to the sanctuary ? My soul melteth for heaviness ; ' strength- 
en thou me, according to thy word.' My soul is pierced through 
with many sorrows, and this has been a day of severe outward 
conflict. Had I looked to the strong for strength, and kept my 
mouth as with a bridle, and acquitted myself like a good soldier 
of Jesus Christ, — it would have been only outward ; but failing 
in this point, the enemy has gained great advantage over me ; 
and my mind and frame are thrown into a ferment, not soon to 



52 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

be allayed. It lias long been my earnest desire, to fill up my 
several relations in life, especially one, as unto the Lord. I have 
been anxious that I might never dishonor my Christian profes- 
sion. I have been anxious to obtain domestic happiness, which 
I have thought my disposition and heart formed for. I find, 
however, from repeated disappointments, that I must live by 
faith. I must look, not at the sword, but at the hand that 
holds it. I must say, this and that severe stroke is not from 
man ; but from my heavenly Father, who ' scourgeth every son 
whom he receiveth.' (Heb. xii. 6.) I am well persuaded that 
a Christian ought to evidence to all around, that he has the love 
that ' beareth all things ; is not easily provoked ;' or what differ- 
ence is there, before man, between him and a tinkling cymbal ? 
And where is the glory that he should render to God ? And 
what sign is there of gratitude for the saving love of Christ ? 
And what conformity to his suffering master ? ' What do ye 
more than others V I will therefore, instead of saying, ' It is 
impossible,' pray for that grace that can enable me to do all 
things ; — things contrary, and hard to flesh and blood. I may, 
and I fear I shall, fail to please man : but my Saviour is not a 
hard master ; if I labor to please Him, I shall not fail ; his fa- 
vor will bear me up under my disappointments, and strengthen 
me to endure. 

" Tis good for me to wear the yoke, 
For pride is apt to rise and swell ; 
'Tis good to bear my Father's stroke, 
That I might learn his statutes well." 

Wednesday. — " Prevented this evening from going as usual 
to Long-Acre Chapel, — by which 1 learn a sad lesson of my re- 
maining unsubdued, unhumbled spirit. I am quarreling with 
causes, but I should be observant of effects. The effect of this 
disappointment might have been good, and have taught me 
many useful lessons. But my rebellious will, and self-choosing, 
turned it into evil, and sorrow; instead of the sacrifice of a 
contrite and submissive spirit, it was the sacrifice of a temper. 
Thus even a love of the ordinances themselves may step out of 
its place, and be adulterated by self-will, and self-pleasing. 
Whatever brings the heart into subjection to the Divine will, is 
the best ordinance. I therefore trust that this detection of a 
wrong principle, will make my being kept at home not all loss. 
What a mercy I can go so frequently ; and what a greater 
mercy to have a taste and relish for the Gospel. How many 
mercies now crowd in upon my, I hope humble spirit ; and how 
much cause for shame and confusion of face that they have not 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 179G. 53 

been more improved ! Visit me not, O Lord, as my sins de- 
serve, by taking my privileges away ; but let me ever have ac- 
cess to thy sanctuary. Keep my mercies for me, for they are 
only safe in thy hands." 

Thursday. — "A marvellous escape from great danger to- 
day. In driving alone to town, the coachman was, by a sudden 
jolt, thrown out of his seat. The horses took fright, and gal- 
loped at an amazing rate for some distance, but were providen- 
tially stopped just as they were turning near a bank. ' Bless 
the Lord, O my soul, who redeemeth thy life from destruc- 
tion.' " 

From the following letter, it appears probable that Mrs. Hawkes 
had written to Mrs. Jones, expressing the difficulty which she 
felt in obeying that Scripture command, * Love your enemies.' A 
command with which none ever did comply, who had not felt 
what it was to experience the Divine forgiveness, and obtained 
that " precious faith," whereby we are made " partakers of the 
Divine nature." Mrs. Jones writes : 

"It is, indeed, painful to have our judgment and practice at 
variance. It is said, ' Love your enemies.' Alas ! I cannot love 
my friends as I ought to do, especially when they use me un- 
kindly, an instance of which has just occurred. All these failures 
arise from the want of more love. We must have more of the 
mind of Christ, before we can walk in that meekness and lowli- 
ness, that self-renunciation and resignation, which he requires of 
us. God would never have commanded us to do well and suf- 
fer for it patiently, if he had not meant to give us strength to 
comply with the injunction. 

" I do not know what is more unreasonable, than to expect 
an humble, kind behavior, from a person under the dominion 
of pride and selfishness. When a covetous worshipper of the 
god Mammon is benevolent to the poor and needy; when 
those whom the Scripture styles 'Lovers of . themselves,' are 
found seeking the advantage or happiness of others (any far- 
ther than as it seconds their own) — then shall we assuredly 
' gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles.' But the Chris- 
tian has a spiritual supply which the world knows nothing of; 
with an eternal spring, which our Lord emphatically calls 
■ living water ;' and, by the assistance of this spiritual princi- 
ple, he can love his enemies ; and he can do good to them that 
hate him. 

'" I was last night much pleased with a sermon of Mr. B — 's 
from this text, ' Be ye merciful, as your Father who is in heav- 
en is merciful, for he doeth good to the just and the unjust.' 



54 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

"What species of ingratitude, disobedience, and contempt, can 
we conceive of, that is not daily offered to God, with ten thou- 
sand aggravations ! and yet his mercy endureth through all ! 
Though the unbelieving and disobedient eat not the children's 
bread, yet they have such favors as they are capable of re- 
ceiving. Mr. B. observed, ' that upon Adam's transgression, 
righteousness and truth forsook the earth and flew to heaven, 
from whence they came ; but mercy stood by the poor delin- 
quent till it had found out a ransom, and then brought back 
the other graces.' Oh that our hearts may become, and ever 
remain, the habitation of mercy ! Let us ever be seeking 
after this conformity to our Father in heaven. Every act of 
faith and love admits a little more of the Divine nature into our 
souls." 

Before Mrs. Hawkes' conversion, she had been pursuing 
shadows, and inquiring, " Who will show me any good ?" 
The language of her heart now was, " Lord, lift thou up the 
light of thy countenance upon me ;" and the full attainment of 
this blessing she sought in retirement, and in communion with 
the Father of spirits. This is illustrated by the extracts from 
her diary, which come next in order ; and which form a strik- 
ing comment upon the words spoken by divine wisdom. Prov. 
viii. 21. " That I may cause those that love me to inherit sub- 
stance" 

April, 1792. — " I can never be enough thankful that I am 
not obliged to waste my time in visiting and receiving visits. 
There was a season when I was as fond of doing so as any one ; 
but thanks be to my gracious Savior, who has given me a new 
taste — new objects — new pursuits — new and true enjoj^ments. 
With my books I never find the day long enough ; and the week 
is gone before I am ready for the end. This is the advantage 
of religion ; and this is the privilege of retirement and solitude ! 
This is the secret of being happy ; which none of the great ones 
of the earth ever knew." 

May, 1792. — " A very merciful preservation from fire. The 
boards in the house had begun to burn ; but the fire was stopped 
by the activity of a friend, at some hazard to himself. Let me 
remember the providential deliverance with gratitude." 

June 10. — " Much delighted and profited by reading Dr. 
Owen on the ' Glory of Christ.' My mind is overwhelmed with 
the grandeur of the subject. I seem to get a glimpse, a little 
ray of that glorious light ; but how narrow, how weak, how 
feeble is my view ! The eyes of my understanding seem scarcely 
opened. Surely to know Christ, to become acquainted with 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 55 

his glory, and especially with his glory as the Redeemer, it is a 
subject sufficient to occupy every faculty ; and to fill up every 
moment of time. What is the boasted wisdom of this world ? 
mere folly. Oh, to grow in this divine knowledge ! 

" I find in reading this amazing book, that my mind is too 
feeble to grasp the author's comprehensive view all at once ; I 
therefore take one passage at a time, and having endeavored to 
understand that, go on to another ; till, by and by, I trust I 
shall be more able to connect the whole. Much is lost by a 
more o-eneral view of things. Thus in the works of creation, a 
general view confounds the mind ; you can only utter, ' It is 
all stupendous !' But take, for instance, a blade of grass, or the 
smallest insect, and set all the powers of the mind to investigate 
these, and what is the effect ? a conviction of extreme ignorance : 
for if these cannot be understood, how can millions of other 
wonders ; and if we cannot understand earthly things, how can 
we understand heavenly \ Only by the teaching of the Holy 
Spirit, and the diligent use of means in dependence thereon. 
Henceforth may I have no other study but to know Christ." 

July 1. — " Was favored to-day by a visit from my honored 
minister. ' There is no such thing,' said he, ' in the Christian 
life as standing still. If we do not get forward we must lose 
ground. If a child should be no larger in its growth at eight 
years old than it was at four, we know at once that there is 
something the matter. So it is with the soul ; if the graces of 
the Spirit do not grow and flourish, there is some latent cause 
which calls for examination. If our love to God, to his word, 
to his ordinances, to his people, does not increase, and if our 
love of sin and love to the world does not lessen, it is a sign we 
do not grow in grace. If we do not gain a greater mastery 
over ourselves, our tempers and affections, our bad habits, than 
we had at our first setting out in Christianity, we surely do not 
grow in grace. 

" ' Never expect much of the joy of the Holy Ghost, if your 
heart and mind be occupied in the enjoyment of sense. The 
joy of the Spirit is a delicate, sacred deposite ; and must be 
kept in a pure casket. An unholy breath will dim its lustre, 
and fade its freshness. The joys of sense — even the most lawful 
of them — are agitating, tumultuous, and unsatisfactory. The 
joy of the Spirit is calming, modest, strengthening, elevating, 
and satisfying. The joys of sense, at the best, enervate, lower, 
and impoverish the soul. The joys of the Spirit ennoble and 
enrich it.' 

" At another time Mr. C. observed, ' They who would yield 
unreserved obedience, when they know what the will of God is, 



56 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

must neither be influenced by carnal affections, nor listen to 
plausible objections, nor consult partial counsellors ; nor make 
any delays ; but committing all to the Lord's hand, must 
simply follow the pillar and the cloud.' May I be a fol- 
lower of them, who, through faith and patience, inherit the 
promises I" 

August. — " ' A man's foes shall be they of his own house- 
hold.' How true do I know this to be ! Happy that soul who 
can say in the spirit as well as the words of Christ, ' Father, 
forgive them : they know not what they do.' Through grace, 
I know what it is to say this in some small measure, and 
at some times ; but oh, to find it an abiding principle is what 
I want ! 

" ' And the Lord said unto Solomon, ' Ask what I shall give 
thee ;' and he has said to each of his children, ' Ask, and ye 
shall receive.' Why then am I lean from day to day ? Give, I 
pray thee, thine handmaid, a wise and understanding heart." 

September 21. — " Let me record this evening's failure, that I 
may remember it with humiliation. My heart meditated kind- 
ness which it was not backward to perform ; I gave up my feel- 
ings to my duty, but it was not received ; on the contrary, I 
had blame instead of commendation, and hereon I lost my 
temper and spake unadvisedly with my lips. This proves I 
had desired to please man rather than God. When shall I learn 
to expect my happiness from God only ? He is always pleased 
with the desire to please him ; and never chills the heart that 
approaches him with holy love and confidence. I have, how- 
ever, much to be ashamed of, and I will endeavor to look at 
my own faults, rather than justify myself, by tracing the faults 
of another. ' Self-justification may be urged at an unreasonable 
time. It may be heard when the mind becomes calm, but to 
offer it during a seizure of passion, is like offering reason to a 
lunatic' I shrink at the question, am I like Him who, ' when 
he was reviled, reviled not again V ' Enter not into judgment 
with thy servant, O Lord.' " 

Jan. 1793, Sunday. — "My prayer is, that through the 
whole of this year, I may every day taste that the Lord is gra- 
cious, as I have, through mercy, done this day. Thou that 
knowest all things, thou that knowest the secrets of the heart, 
and the inmost thoughts and desires, thou knowest I do not en- 
treat for riches, nor honor, nor even (but as far as it may please 
thee) for a removal of my many trials and sorrows ! No — my 
first and most ardent desire is, (unless I am greatly self-deceived,) 
that thou wilt give me the portion of thy children, that thou 
wilt ' remember me with the favor thou bearest unto thy peo- 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1*796. 57 

pie,' that, like Mary, I may sit at thy feet, blessed Jesus, and 
attentively hear thy voice." 

Feb. Sunday. — "Much instructed and refreshed to-day. — 
Lord, water the seed down, by the showers of thy grace ! 

" My invaluable minister has some symptoms of a serious 
complaint, which, should it increase, will prevent his preaching. 
May the Lord of the vineyard avert so heavy a calamity !" 

Saturday. — " Why is it that the weeks, days, and hours fly 
faster away when alone than in company, but because I can 
more freely and silently converse with my then most present 
Saviour? Through divine grace I can say, and I would speak 
it with reverence, ' With him conversing I forget all time ; all 
seasons, and their change.' " 

Though Mrs. Hawkes had a peculiar capacity for improving 
and enjoying retirement, yet her disposition was highly social ; 
and she constantly maintained much spiritual intercourse with 
Christian friends. It was about this period that she became 
acquainted with Mrs. Ely Bates. The following letter from this 
friend, whom she much valued, may be found interesting, and 
will also afford an occasion of bringing out some features of 
Mrs. H.'s character. 

"Brompton, Feb. 22, 1793. 
" My dear friend, 

" You will permit me to call you so, because you have been 
already such in some respects, and I trust you will be more so 
to me : I mean that I shall give you occasion to do me more 
good. The chief good I want, and would beg you to help me 
to obtain is, to climb up from present to heavenly things, ' To 
be spiritually minded is life and peace ;' life, which enables for 
action, an&peace, which strengthens by rest. I have lost ground 
by an over attention to little things : therefore if I mean to 
profit by you, I see it is my duty to watch when we meet, 
against entering on the detail of common life, and rather to en- 
deavor to get strength, by union with you to climb upwards, 
and get near the feet of that adorable Saviour who is not only 
the ' Saviour of the body,' his Church, but of our bodies as dis- 
tinguished from our souls, and who can shed his salvation into 
all the smaller works of our life : as, under the law, all the ves- 
sels as well as the people, were sprinkled with blood. Heb. ix. 
19 — 21. My dear friend, I am lower down than you think; 
(and I entreat you not to consider this as the language of hu- 
mility ;) I want practical comprehension, that I may not give 
undue importance to trifles ; theoretical will not do. The un- 
derstanding works at leisure, distinct from the habits and pas- 
3* 



58 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

sions of the whole man, — like a candle before it enters the damp 
of a coal pit. Pray for me that my mind may become more 
spiritual, that I may get nearer to God, watch more unto 
prayer, and cultivate more quietness of spirit. 

" I received yesterday a visit from a Miss D , who lives 

in Hornsey lane, Highgate, and it occurred to me that you 
might be made useful to her. She was last year in Switzer- 
land, and brought me a letter from a friend there, which was 
the occasion of her call. Her stay was short, but she took that 
time to open to me, in some measure, the state of her mind, 
and the concern she was under respecting her soul. It seems 
she has an aunt in Manchester, a pious woman, with whom 
Miss D. had been staying for some months on a visit, and it 
appears to have been made a blessing to her. But she now 
stands alone, and expresses herself desirous of some help. I 
thought I would mention it to you, and if you felt yourself dis- 
posed to give her the opportunity, she would certainly be 
very glad to see you. I think it is not desirable for young per- 
sons in her state to have many religious acquaintances ; they 
had better be wholly secluded than dissipated : her strength 
must stand in prayer and retirement. She cannot enjoy many 
opportunities of hearing the truth preached ; and certainly her 
calling is rather to be faithful to the openings of providence, 
than pass over a wall, or break through a hedge. I cannot 
think but that, in general, much loss is suffered, and harm in- 
curred, by too hasty steps of that kind. I believe that where a 
heart is simple, and attentive to divine grace, all that is needful 
will be given in due time and season. But we obscure the 
light, and lose our docility, by overpassing the bounds of Prov- 
idence. Yet it is natural for persons in her case to look around 
and say, ' Come and help me? Happy if they who come, direct 
them simply to the great Shepherd : such escape many stum- 
blings and offences. I have only room to add, 

I remain, my dear friend, 

Yours, affectionately, 

E. Bates." 

Mrs. Hawkes was a remarkable instance of that self-denial 
and elevation of soul which is recommended in this letter ; and 
of those qualities which dispose the mind to postpone trifling 
and passing cares, to weightier subjects ; not only in the great 
concerns of eternity, but also in the cultivation of all that is in- 
tellectual and ennobling. At the same time, it should be 
observed, that in her personal habits, and domestic arrange- 
ments, there was a combination of Christian simplicity, with 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 11 96. 59 

the beauty of order and neatness — which habits were continued 
to the end of her life, through all the impediments of her 
bodily infirmities. Here also begins to be developed that 
happy capacity for engaging the affections and improving the 
religious character of young people, by which Mrs. Hawkes was 
eminently distinguished ; and to which her varied mental 
resources, her extensive experience, and never-failing cheerful- 
ness, greatly contributed. 

Many, from a sense of affectionate gratitude for such assist- 
ance in their spiritual course, are longing to join her happy 
spirit now before the throne, " with the general assembly and 
church of the first-born which are written in heaven." The 
next memorandum proves the interest which she took, while on 
earth, in this spiritual family, 

March. — " I have lately enjoyed some delightful communion 
with departed spirits,* who were once, like myself, pilgrims 
and strangers upon earth ; poor, infirm, sinful, and weak ; but 
having believed the promises, and having God for their portion, 
are now in the blessed presence of him who sitteth upon the 
throne for ever ; and who are praising him day and night ! 
My feeble heart rejoices that though my services are vile and 
imperfect, they are of the same kind as theirs. That as they 
delight to prostrate themselves before God, so do I ; as their 
happiness comes from God, so does mine ; as their joy and 
delight is to praise him, so it is mine. They have crowns to 
cast before him, I have nothing to present but sinful prayers 
and tears ; their worship is pure, mine is impure, and mixed 
with sin and unbelief. But the blood of Jesus makes them 
clean ; and, perfumed with the blessed incense of our Saviour's 
intercession — mine, through the tender mercy of my God, shall 
be accepted as well as theirs." 

Wednesday. — " Was again much benefited by the conversa- 
tion of my revered minister. By these opportunities my soul 

* St. Paul says, " "We are come to the spirits of just men made per- 
fect." On which text Mr. Gill remarks, " The spirits, or souls, of these 
are only mentioned, because the communion of saints in a Gospel-church 
state, lies chiefly in the spirit, or souls, of each other — or in spiritual 
things relating to their souls ; and their souls are greatly affected and 
knit to each other. The saints in heaven are here intended, or at least 
included, whose spirits, or souls, are separate from their bodies; nor as 
yet all the saints with them. Believers in the present state of things 
may be said to be ' come' to them, in hope, expectation and desire." — 
Matthew Henry also remarks, "Believers have union with departed 
saints in one and the same Head and Spirit, and a title to the same in- 
heritance, of which those in earth are heirs, those in heaven possessors." 
— Editob. 



60 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

is both refreshed and invigorated. ' Iron sharpeneth iron, so a 
man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.' (Prov. xxvii. 
17.) 'Take it,' said he, 'for a standing rule] that 'Through 
much tribulation you must enter into the kingdom of heaven.' 
But ' as a father pitieth his children, so the Lord pitieth them 
that fear him ;' and he will not suffer them to be tempted 
' above what they are able to bear.' 

" It is the will of God that his children should have peace 
within, whatever they may have without : therefore the Lord 
says, ' Abide in me.' 

" ' Take heed of heart-backslidings. Many are endangered 
by this, who have not made any outtvard breach. They may 
be looked up to as eminent characters, when in their conscience 
they are convinced that their spiritual strength is shorn, and 
their graces are in a withering state. 

" ' There is nothing that is such a spring to us in the path 
of duty as setting the Lord always before us. Watch for the 
first beam of God's favorable countenance, and take great care 
to cherish it. Beware of every thing that would over-cloud it.' " 

" Mr. C. spoke also on the dangerous nature of error. ' Be- 
ware,' said he, ' of error ; its force and energy are indescribable ; 
and when it once gets entrance into the mind, it eats as doth a 
canker. 

" ' That error is the strongest, which is built on some truth : 
half the truth is a lie. All the errors of the different religious 
sects have been owing to their separating and twisting to their 
own purpose some single truth ; such persons, by taking uncon- 
nected Scriptures, may make the Bible speak any thing. 

" ' Error is never solitary ; it is always attended by a thou- 
sand others. Burnet says, ' while profaneness is the broad road 
to hell, error is the by-path.' 

" ' All error begins in the heart. It is sometimes remarked 
that an erroneous man, (such for instance as a Socinian), is an 
honest man in avowing wrong principles, because he is zealous 
for what he thinks is the truth. But the question should be 
asked, How came he to believe a lie ? " Because they did not 
like to retain God in their knowledge." He has willingly 
gone, step by step, into error, till he has arrived at that state ; 
and then, like the apostle going to Damascus, he cannot do 
right ; for had he not gone, he would not have acted upon his 
own principles,— and in going, he acted quite contrary to the 
will of God. Therefore, a man at length gets into such cir- 
cumstances and situations that, all things considered, it is im- 
possible for him to act right. Two men setting out from the 
very same point in the angle, will be seen to travel very widely 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 61 

asunder. A very small pebble lying at the mouth of a brook 
will direct its course.' 

" Keep me, O Lord, as the apple of thine eye ; and be thou 
to me as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land. While 
I rejoice in the pleasant streams of instruction, lead me ever up 
to Thee, the fountain of Life, and enable me to drink abun- 
dantly." 

Sunday. — " An uncomfortable day ; interrupted as many of 
my Sabbaths have been of late, by company. I am thus put 
out of my track, but I must consider it as my cross, since it is 
not in my own power to shut my door against Sunday idlers : 
were I left to my choice, I would gladly keep the day sacred. 
Oh, for a retired ness of spirit, and abstractedness of soul 
through all !" 

Wednesday, April 12. — "Heard Mr. C. at Long- Acre, from 
Isaiah xl. 30, 31 : 'Even the youths shall faint and be weary, 
and the young men shall utterly fail ; but they that wait upon 
the Lord shall renew their strength. They shall mount up 
with wings like eagles ; they shall run and not be weary ; 
they shall walk and not faint.' 

" The ignorant and unlearned in the things of God were in- 
structed to wait upon the Lord for the teaching of his Spirit. 
None grew so wise and prosperous as those who attended to 
the Great Teacher. We might wait upon favorite preachers, 
books, friends, &c. ; but, unless we looked first to God, and 
sought secret intercourse and communion with him, we should 
make but little progress. We must sit at the feet of Jesus, in 
a listening, obedient spirit ; searching the Scriptures continually. 
The slothful and negligent were also exhorted to wait diligently 
upon the Lord, in all the means of grace ; looking to the true 
source of good. 

"It would not do to wait sometimes. 'The slothful soul 
desireth and hath nothing.' It is not sufficient to have good 
desires, we must endeavor, we must labor, for that meat which 
doth not perish. People may pretend to despise the diligent, 
and call them legal, but we are commanded to labor, to watch, 
as well as pray ; to fight like good soldiers. There was 
much instruction, also, to the hasty spirit ; to wait with pa- 
tience, submission, and resignation : we were not to make hasty 
conclusions against ourselves ; nor, like Jehoram, impiously to 
say, ' Why should I wait for the Lord any longer V Even 
Jeremiah, Moses, Elijah, Jonah, &c, erred here. The weary 
and heavy-laden were next greatly encouraged : ' They shall 
run and not be weary ; they shall walk and not faint' — -while 
they continue to ivait on the Lord. 



62 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" Alas, my memory fails ; but my heart glows with grati- 
tude for this opportunity. I can truly say, that, in waiting 
upon the Lord, my strength has been renewed. Not for a long- 
time have I been so favored as under this discourse. ' Bless 
the Lord, O my soul ; and all that is within me, bless his holy 
name.' " 

Friday. — " Made a hasty engagement to dine out. Upon 
recollection, I saw I had done foolishly. I am yet too young 
in religion to venture into the contagious atmosphere of the un- 
godly. I went to my Saviour in simplicity, and acknowledged 
my fault, and prayed for his preserving mercy ; when, thanks 
be to His holy name, he sent me his preventing mercy. I was 
detained at home by a severe sickness, for which I am truly 
thankful. Let me henceforward remember that, ' Only to see, 
(be the sight ever so splendid,) is an insufficient warrant to 
draw me into places of spiritual hazard.' "* 

* Whatever, in, modern days, may be thought of such a degree of 
tenderness of conscience as is here expressed, one of the blessed Re- 
formers and Martyrs of our Church, has left a remarkable notice of his 
feelings under a similar temptation, which in the event occasioned him 
much trouble and compunction of conscience. John Bradford, in one 
of his epistles, writes as follows : — To Mr. Traves, begging his prayers, 
and lamenting his own sinful condition : — " Yesternight, a little before 
supper, I was desired by a neighbor, my mother's friend, against this 
day to dinner. Unto whom, for that a refusal would have been im- 
puted disdainful stateliness, I unwillingly, (God to witness,) but not un- 
advisedly,* yet foolishly granted to the same, which I advertise you as 
my excuse for not coming this day. ****** 

" In your communication with God, I pray you have me of all sin- 
ners a most negligent, unthankful, and wretched, (Oh, that from the 
bottom of my heart I confessed the same unfeignedly !) in remembrance, 
that at length, I might truly convert and turn from these flesh-pots of 
Egypt, to feed with his manna, patiently and assuredly expecting his 
mercv, joyfully sighing for, and bearing the badge of his disciples and 
servants, the cross. ********* 

" This paper, pen, and ink, yea, the marble stone weepeth, to see my 
slothful security and unthankful hardiness to so merciful and long-suffer- 
ing a Lord. I confess it, I confess it, though not tremblingly, humbly, 
or penitently, yet I confess it, oh ! hypocritically I confess it ! 

" Therefore pray, pray for me, that I may repent and be turned to 
God, not despising his wrath, and the death of his Son Jesus Christ, 
but that I may live in the Spirit, and walk in the Spirit, evermore to 
bewail my carnal security and this philautiam,\ that I may be made 
a new creature through grace, made meet to receive the new wine of 
the Gospel into a new vessel, purified by faith, wrought by the Spirit 
of consolation, which may vouchsafe to lead us in all truth and godly 
living, that we may know God the Father to be in himself the only 
true God, and Jesus Christ whom he hath sent. To which most blessed 

* Unwittingly. t Self-pleasing. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1796. 63 

Tuesday. — " Confined still by illness. But through mercy 
my best Comforter has been present with me ; and he has en- 
abled me hitherto to resign myself wholly to his disposal. I 
want nothing but more grace and devotedness of heart and life; 
more union with my Saviour, and a nearer intercourse with him. 
If pain and sickness will promote these desirable things — wel- 
come both. Every thing is welcome, while my blessed Re- 
deemer condescends to be with me by his presence. I know 
not what lies before me ; but it is enough for me that my heav- 
enly Father knows, and will make all things work together for 
my good." 

Thursday, May 30. — " The last month has been a peculiar 
one. Not only has my body been greatly debilitated, but my 
mind has been variously exercised. Some new lessons have 
been given : may this and every trying dispensation be sancti- 
fied, and the design therein fully answered. Hitherto I have 
been enabled to say with confidence, ' I know in whom I have 
believed, and that he will keep that I have committed to him.' 
1 My mountain has seemed to stand so strong, I said, I shall 
never be moved.' But of late, some unusual fears have darted 
across my mind, such as, — What if I should in some dark day 
lose my anchor hold ? — from which I gather this instruction, 
c Live not upon your graces, but npon Christ.' Say, If the fig- 
tree does not blossom, yet will I rejoice in the Lord." 

June 12. — "Unfavorable clouds of deadness and stupidity 
have, for several weeks, interrupted the reviving and gladden- 
ing rays of the Sun of Righteousness. The enemy has thence 
taken occasion to assault me. But thanks be to my adorable 
sustainer, I am enabled to see, that though the sun be with- 
drawn, and storms arise, I am built upon a Rock ; and I am 
still enabled to stand waiting and knocking at mercy's door. 
He does graciously afford me some glimpses of his countenance, 
though he does not make his abode with me as heretofore. He 
is just, though I continue much longer waiting. I am con- 
scious of much unfaithfulness towards God ; my mind has been 
too much engaged with inferior objects; they have been at- 
tended to ; and he has been neglected or forgotten ; — no won- 
der he should retire. I feel my folly, and wonder at myself 
that I should have slighted such a guest. I acknowledge mine 

Trinity, be all honor and glory for ever. Amen. In haste this Thurs- 
day in the morning. 

" Yours as his own, 

"John Bradford." 

Fathers of the English Church, Vol. VI. page 616. 



64 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKE8. 

iniquity ; shouldst thou, Lord, be extreme to mark what is 
done amiss, I could not answer thee to one of a thousand. I 
will still throw myself at thy feet, and cling to thy cross, and 
will there abide, till thou comest to drive out thine enemies, 
and resume thy seat ; till then I will be as the importunate 
widow ; and may I be enabled by grace to say with Job, 
' Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him.' 

" My former trials were chiefly from outward circumstances ; 
deep inward conflicts are now added : the Lord's will be done !" 

July. — " My soul has long been in a dry and barren state. 
I am often ready to faint, and say, ' will it be always so ?' — 
Yet again a hope arises that the vision is only for an appointed 
time, and that I must wait for it. But in waiting, I find there 
are these dangers, — either despondency — impatience — or care- 
lessness. Sometimes I seem to forget the state I am in, and let 
out my mind to every trifling or busy occupier. Oh when shall 
I combine the importunity of the widow, with the patient do- 
cility of Mary ! When shall I be all diligence in watching for 
good, and yet resignedly say, ' My times are in thy hand.' " 

Sunday. — " One sabbath comes after another, and yet I re- 
main a dry tree, in which there is no sap, no greenness, nei- 
ther fruit nor blossom. It was not always so. I can look 
back to the time when I could not only taste but drink of the 
waters of life, flowing from the sanctuary, and my heart was 
made glad, and when I could rejoice, even under deep sorrows. 
Now I go and look, and long, and sigh, and weep ; but it is 
seldom that I can obtain one refreshing drop ; and that scarcely 
seems to penetrate the parched ground. What can I say ? — 
' Righteousness belongeth unto thee, but unto me confusion of 
face.'" 

The loss of sensible comforts, and of profit under divine or- 
dinances, which here forms a part of Mrs. Hawkes' painful 
experience, has been felt and expressed by others of eminent 
piety ; of which examples occur not only in Church History, 
but also in the Scripture account of eminent saints. 

Mr. Newton has remarked, " An humble, dependent frame 
of spirit, perseverance in the appointed means, care to avoid all 
occasions of sin, a sincere endeavor to glorify God, and an 
eye to Jesus Christ as our all in all, are sure indications that 
the soul is thriving , whether sensible consolations abound or 
not. And Mr. Adam also says, " Neither high nor low 
frames will do for a standard of faith : self may be strong in 
both." 

Either enjoying God's presence or mourning the want of it, 
seems to constitute the temper of eveiy true Christian. They 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 179G. 65 

who, like Mrs. Hawkes, have in their early religious experience 
been favored with peculiar manifestations of joy, will perhaps 
feel more sensibly than others, those intervals of deadness, 
which would scarcely be realized by persons less spiritually 
minded. Her soul was still thirsting after God, and especially 
to see his power and glory in the sanctuary. There she 
sought and found support and instruction in the absence of sen- 
sible comforts ; which appears by her record of the following 
sermon, and the prayer which accompanies it. 

Wednesday, Aug. 15. — "Heard Mr. C. at Long-Acre, on 
Psalm xlii. 5. ' Why art thou cast down, O my soul ? and 
why art thou disquieted in me ? Hope thou in God ; for I 
shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance.' Mr. C. 
remarked : — 

" ' Every Christian should say, like David, whatever be the 
state of things within or without, I will remember ray Rock ; 
and though ray soul is disquieted within me, I will fight against 
discouragement, hoping in God. 

" ' Whatever is the cause of depression, whether outward 
trouble, or inward fears, or if our joy in the Lord is withheld, 
we must not set it down as a proof that we have not grace ; but 
rather look at the most eminent Christians enduring the same 
conflicts. 

" ' Let the Christian keep upon his ground, and behold Him 
that is invisible; and though only a poor bruised reed, he 
stands like a rock. But let him come off that, and begin dis- 
puting God's word, and his providence, and then imaginations 
of all kinds rush in, and his heart is disquieted. 

" ' A believer is not like a worldling ; he cannot find satisfac- 
tion in trifles ; take away the comforts and confidences of reli- 
gion, and he is poor indeed. 

" ' Faith and hope give wings to the soul. We often call for 
the wings of a dove to fly away, because we want to be out of 
our place, to be somewhere else in order to be more happy. — 
But this arises from impatience. True faith and hope will 
make us happy any where, and enable us, like Paul and Silas, 
to sing in a prison. 

" ' Every Christian should remember, whatever may be the 
cause of his trouble, ' there has no temptation taken him, but 
such as is common to man.' This is a dreary wilderness ; we 
have not attained our rest, but it remaineth for us. 

" ' If the mourning believer should say, But I have sinned 
against God, and therefore am under rebuke, and how can I 
help being cast down ? Yet let him remember that despair is 
no cure ; and to please Satan by doubting, is not the way to 



00 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

be relieved. He should recollect that every season has its par- 
ticular duty ; and, like David, he should reason with his soul, 
" Why art thou cast down ?" 

" * As the Christian learns the use of his anchor, there is no 
wave or billow by which he can be tossed, but this will keep 
him steady ; nay, he should go further, and say with David, 
— bad as things are at present — ' Hope thou in God, for I shall 
yet praise him, for the help of his countenance.' " 

" Blessed be God for affording me opportunities of hearing 
his word. Amidst all my fears within, and trials without, this 
comforts, refreshes, and supports my soul, namely, that I still 
can pray for the heart-searching eye of God, and solemnly ap- 
peal to him who knows me, better than I do myself, and say, 
4 Thou that knowest all things, knowest that I love thee ! — that 

1 desire nothing in comparison of thee ; that I would give up 
every thing rather than my hope in thee ; and that it is my 
continual cry, Lord, why do I love thee so little ? Make me 
love thee supremely. May the seed which has been sown this 
day, be watered of the showers of divine grace ; and may I be 
enabled to praise God for the light of his countenance." 

Thursday. — " How variable are the frames and feelings ! 
How like the shining and the shadow passing over the green 
plain • But, blessed be God, our salvation consisteth not in 
frames and feelings, but in being ingrafted on the living vine, 
and abiding in Christ ; consisteth not even in our sensible hold 
of him, but in our simple belief of his gracious declaration, 
that he will never leave, nor forsake, nor suffer us to be plucked 
out of his hands." 

Sunday. — "Heard Mr. C. to-day from 2 Sam. v. 10. 'And 
David went on, and grew great, and the Lord God of Hosts was 
with him.' 

" O that in all situations and circumstances, prosperous or 
adverse, / may have this blessed assurance, that the Lord is 
with me. 

" Thank God for a new degree of spiritual life ! My Lord 
has graciously called me to rise above the uncomfortable state I 
have for some time been in ; and proclaims himself to my soul, 
as the Lord who forgiveth all iniquities ; as the good physician 
who healeth all my diseases and pours oil into every wound." 

September 5, 1793. — "This day I received from my revered 
minister a large new Bible, handsomely bound : in the beginning 
of which the following lines were written : 

" ' The Lord hear thee, my daughter, in the day of trouble : 
the name of the God of Jacob defend thee. Send thee help 
from the sanctuary, and strengthen thee out of Zion, both 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 67 

now and when he who presents this book shall assist thee no 
more." * 

" O Lord, be pleased to hearken to the petitions of thy ser- 
vant ; and lift thou up the light of thy countenance upon him ; 
let his soul be like a well-watered garden ; let ' the good will 
of him that dwelt in the bush,' rest upon him and all that he 
hath. Bless the wife of his bosom and the children whom thou 
hast given him. Let none of them be wanting when thou 
comest to make up thy jewels. Bless him in his basket and 
his store. Bless him in coming in and going out. O accom- 
pany the glad tidings thou sendest by him with power, and 
with the Holy Ghost. Make his ' doctrine to drop as the rain ; 
his speech to distil as the dew upon the tender herb, and the 
showers upon the grass.' And now, O Lord, be pleased to at- 
tend unto my prayer, that goeth not out of feigned lips. 

" With reference to the late depression of my mind, Mr. C. 
remarked : 

" ' There is experience as well as doctrine to be taught in the 
school of Christ. We are to be brought out of nature, and 
taught to walk with God ; and this is effected, not only by the 
gracious influences of the Holy Spirit, but also by wholesome 
corrections. To have a blessed evidence is not inconsistent 
with cloudy days ; with temptations. 4 We do groan, being bur- 
dened,' says the apostle, and yet these are the men that are 
renewed day by day, — that rejoice in tribulation. 

" ' What is any thing without experience ? Ask the philoso- 
pher, the artist, &c, if their experience cost them nothing ; if 
no hazard, no expense was endured ? And it would be strange 
if the Christian's experience also must not be made up by a 
thousand secret particulars. Let us beg of God to superintend 
the process. 

" ' We should mark well the peculiar duties of trying seasons. 
No time is more trying than when the believer feels any thing 
like a declining or a revolting state of mind. 

" * There is a point in every man's life, when, if God is speak- 
ing to the conscience, it will be said to him as it was to Peter, 
1 Will ye also go aWay ?' For every believer, at some time 
or other, feels that religion is not the undertaking of a day; 
but that he must hold on, and hold out. He is a soldier, and 
he must fight. When temptation, persecution, or affliction, come 

* Below these lines there is a memorandum in pencil, written by 
Mrs. Hawkes some years after, as follows : 

1804. Now is the day of trouble, and the God of Jacob does defend, 
strengthen and comfort his poor servant. 



68 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

heavily upon hini, then is the time when this question is espe- 
cially put to him. 

" ' God has, in his provision and proposal of salvation to man, 
taken into consideration his stiff-neckedness, his iron sinew, his 
backsliding and wandering heart. 

" ' God's consolations must also be sought in God's way : and 
in his way they shall be obtained. Upon our first setting out 
in religion, we are apt to expect we shall receive our comforts 
in our own way ; forgetting that God is the appointer of times, 
and that our business is to wait for him. What a life of ex- 
pectation and waiting was Abraham's ! How did he hope 
against hope ! Through what deep waters did he pass ! 

" The exercise of holy joy may be lost by sin ; or otherwise ; 
David would not have cried, * Restore me to the joy of thy sal- 
vation.' If we trifle with sin of any kind, the joy of salvation 
will be suspended ; for the spring of it is the shining of God's 
Holy Spirit in the heart. And this must be interrupted, if we 
wander after other joys. 

" The joy of salvation is the joy of calm reflection. It will 
bear the examination of a dying bed ; it is the joy of hope and 
expectation ; it is the joy of acceptance and communion with 
God : it is everlasting. 

" The atmosphere of the world has a tendency to damp this 
joy. Whenever we are necessarily led into the company of 
the ungodly, we should feel when the evil influence begins to 
work upon our minds, and avoid it as a child would a mur- 
derer ; and then we should hear the question, ' Will ye also go 
away V and should cry with earnestness to Christ, ' Strengthen 
thou me ;' pour thy grace into my soul, and water the root, 
that I may be preserved from withering ; ' Thou hast the words 
of eternal life.' " 

Sunday. — " Heard Mr. Scott at Long- Acre, from John i. 29. 
1 Behold the Lamb of God, which taketh away the sin of the 
world.' 

" A most blessed discourse. Oh that this, and every other, 
may take deep root in my heart, and under the glorious Divine 
influence of the Sun of Righteousness, bring forth fruit to his 
praise ! If it were not for my trust in the great atoning sacri- 
fice, my defectiveness, only this day, under the means of grace, 
would sink me into despair ; and would also, did not his pre- 
cious blood cleanse from all sin, sink me into hell. All glory 
be to God for the gift of his dear Son !" 

Nov. 30. 1*793. — "Many have been the trials of this last 
month. Besides being confined to my bed by illness, grieved 
to the heart on account of a dear relative. Oh that God would 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1?90 TO 1796. 69 

condescend in his infinite mercy to bid him live ! O let me 
never so forsake thee, the blessed fountain of living waters, and 
turn to broken cisterns that can hold no water ! It is only thy 
grace which can prevent this. Let it never be withdrawn, I 
pray thee. Suffer me not to quench or grieve thy good Spirit. 

take away my life, rather than it should be spent in any other 
service than thine !" 

The foregoing extract affords a glimpse of the severe inward 
trials experienced by godly and enlightened persons on account 
of those relatives who afford no satisfactory evidence of true 
conversion. Mrs. Hawkes again alludes to this painful sub- 
ject in the latter part of the following letter to Mrs. Jones. — 
After giving an account of her late illness, she goes on to say, — 

" I have been much struck, since my illness, with the degree 
of formality and insensibility which a Christian may have fallen 
into, though living under the meridian splendor of religious 
advantages; perhaps I should have said, the insensibility / 
have fallen into, rather than suppose it common to Christians, 

1 abhor myself when I think of my privileges, so much above 
those of any other person I know. Yet how slow my pro- 
gress ! So drawn off by outward things : a heart so cold, and 
vain, and proud, and selfish. Who has been so highly favored 
as I ? Feasted not only on the Sabbath, but every day, more 
or less, with ' a feast of fat things !' I might have grown like 
the ' calves of the stall.' Instead of a reed, I might have been 
like a tall cedar. One would have supposed that my general 
trials would have been enough to have kept me awake. But I 
fear I need a sharper stroke yet, to give me a thorough rousing. 
Death must be felt approaching, before I, in earnest, set about 
preparing for it. I am amazed at myself ! The near views of 
eternity which have been granted to me in this illness, are so 
instructive, so animating, and, I trust, so transforming, that I 
say with all my heart, — welcome pain and sickness ; I would 
not part with you to sink again into insensibility. I see, every 
day, more and more of the w^orth -and efficacy of that Divine 
breath, spoken of in Ezekiel ; and of the utter inefBcacy of 
everything else, though ever so excellent or beautiful. I long 
to live with my soul laid open to receive those precious influ- 
ences. That is an encouraging promise, ' I will be as the dew 
unto Israel.' My soul no longer prospers than as it is contin- 
ually receiving those precious dews. With deep humiliation 
and thankfulness I would acknowledge that God has graciously 
granted me some reviving of late ; yet even this grace shows 
me how poor I am. The sun, when it shines, discovers the 



70 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

places that remain dark. Oh when shall this dark heart be 
filled with light ! pervading, purifying, and vivifying every se- 
cret corner. 

" The enemy has lately tried hard to shake my confidence ; 
in which he has been aided by many peculiar circumstances. 
But I have since had a blessed opportunity of proving, that 
they who build on the true and living Stone, though they may 
be alarmed, shall not be removed. I am thankful that when 
I am put in the fire of inward or outward trial, my request is, 
not to come out, but to be purified. Alas, I have much, very 
much dross to be burnt up ; and of course must expect, again 
and again, to be put into the furnace. But by grace, and that 
alone, my cry is, ' not my will, but thine be done,' or rather, let 
my will be conformed to thine. 

" It is, indeed, a serious thing to be ' tried as silver, but not 

alarming, when we recollect that the Holy Refiner sits by, 

watching the process. If I know anything of myself, I would 

not forego ray little experience of these things, to have escaped, 

or still to escape all my sorrows. Alas ! to see persons under 

affliction, where no such process seems to take place ! 

* % # * * * * 

" A few hours ago I went to the footstool of Divine mercy, 
to thank God for the gift of repentance : worlds cannot pur- 
chase it ; but Christ is exalted to give it ; and this makes Christ 
precious." 

In reply to her sister, Mrs. Jones writes : — 

" I am thankful to find that through all difficulties, you are 
still going forward. Let us praise God for every step we are 
enabled to take in the way to the kingdom. All discourage- 
ment savors of unbelief. If the serpent wound us, the antidote 
must be applied tire next moment ; and this is what we must 
strive for, namely, a constant sense of the cleansing and purify- 
ing blood of Christ, preventing new guilt from fastening on the 
conscience. The Lord knows we are weak, and he carries the 
lambs in his bosom, and gently leads on those that are not able 
to run. As we increase in strength we shall mend our pace. 
Let us run, looking unto Jesus ; every look strengthens the 
view. The powers of the soul gain vigor by exercise ; and it is 
by looking that we are changed into the same image. Unbe- 
lief suggests that this is not time to look ; let it be in hearing 
or in reading, or in speaking. But faith says, ' Now is the ac- 
cepted time.' Our whole life should be one continued now. 

" In one of your former letters you ask me respecting pray- 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 7l 

ing and wishing for death. I think it is not right to pray for 
death ; the will of God is better than death ; it is better than 
life, including every enjoyment with which it stands connected. 
The power of the Almighty as a sustainer, could not be made 
manifest, if there were no subjects to endure evil. St. Paul 
says, ' most gladly, therefore, will I rather glory in my infirmi- 
ties that the power of Christ may rest upon me.' He did not 
wish to die upon this occasion. The Divine economy requires 
that there be some afflicted, some poor, some sick, some in 
prison, that the will of God may be done on earth, as it is in 
heaven. But believers have an immense legacy settled upon 
them ; and, amongst other names, yours and mine are as fully 
included in the covenant will and testament, as those of any in- 
dividuals." 

From the time Mrs. Hawkes first became a converted char- 
acter, she accustomed herself to close every year with much 
self-examination, penitence, and solemnity of mind ; as also 
to open every new year with fresh self-dedication and prayer. 
This was her continued practice through her whole Christian 
course. 

The following memoranda are of this nature : — 

Dec. 31, 1793. — " It is the will of my heavenly Father that 
I should close this year in my sick chamber. He has called 
me more immediately to listen to him ; and as a tender Father 
has he chastened me. Oh that I were more fully sanctified ! 
that my heart were as wax softened to receive his image and 
likeness. If it is his will that I should recover, and again em- 
bark on the rough sea of life, may I be enabled to enter upon 
it with my poor tattered sails filled with fresh gales from the 
coasts of Zion. Oh that I may have no will but his, either for 
life or death ! 

"Taking into consideration the innumerable benefits and priv- 
ileges with which God has graciously loaded me through the 
past year, how great has been my ingratitude !. 

" Those awful words make me tremble, — ' Thou art weighed 
in the balances, and art found wanting.' 

" O Lord, I would own the charge, and should be utterly 
filled with despair, unless thou didst enable me to fix my eye 
upon the golden sceptre held out to me in the gospel. Con- 
science clamors, and points at innumerable taansgressions. 
Many and just are my accusers ; but I will refer them all to my 
adorable Advocate, while I desire to behold, by faith, the * Lamb 
of God who taketh away the sin of the world !" 

Jan. 1, 1794. — '"As the eyes of servants look unto the 
hand of their masters, and as the eye of a maiden unto the 



*72 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

hand of her mistress, so mine eyes are up unto thee,' O Lord ! 
that thou wouldst, in mercy, teach, guide, protect and strengthen 
me. Enable me, this new year, to dedicate myself afresh to 
thee. Let me not be conformed to this world, .but transformed 
by the renewing of my mind. Succor me when temptations 
assail me ; give me wisdom when difficulties and perplexities 
beset my path ; make thy grace sufficient for me under any 
agitation of mind, or rufflings of temper. Make me to keep my 
mouth as with a bridle. Grant that I may be led by thy Holy 
Spirit, and walk in the Spirit, through the whole of this year !" 

Sunday, Jan. 4. — Heard Mr. C. from Ps. xc. 12. 'So teach 
us to number our days that we may apply our hearts unto wis- 
dom.' 

" ' By wisdom is meant true religion. I am a dying creature 
— let me be preparing for a dying hour. Let others be distin- 
guished for their learning, for their knowledge, for their great 
worldly wisdom : yet, however, they may be admired, however 
splendid they may be, it is all but splendid folly, if there is not 
a provision for the sinner's soul. I am to dwell in eternity. Is 
so short a life as this to be spent in providing for time ? No ! 
— Eternity succeeds it. There is infinite importance hangs upon 
this present moment: eternity hangs upon it. And shall I 
trifle with it ? or spend it in nonsense and vanity ? No ! ' Teach 
me to number my days.' Not like those who calculate every- 
thing except salvation. Shall I spend my moments in provi- 
ding only for a perishing body ? No ! I have cast up my ac- 
count, (as if the Psalmist had said,) and now let others do as they 
please. / know what I have to do : I have to apply my heart 
unto wisdom. 

" ' As this is a peculiar season, let each of us look back on the 
year that is past. Does it not seem like a tale that is told ?— 
What lessons of humiliation does it teach us for our folly ? 
Lessons of correction also, for mistakes which we in our care- 
lessness and inconsideration have committed. Does it not tell 
us that this is a world of disappointment ? that nothing earthly 
is to be trusted ! None but God is to be confided in, for none 
but himself is unchangeable. Does it not furnish us with many 
important admonitions ? Have we not lost some friend that 
tells us how short life is, and bids us be ready ? It teaches us 
also many lessons of gratitude, for merciful preservations, for 
many great blessings. Well therefore may we be told to pre- 
sent ourselves "as living sacrifices." We are bid to number 
our days, that is, to look forward. Let us set out with faith 
aud prayer. David prays to be taught, ' So teach me to num- 
ber my days.' Let us pray that the Holy Spirit may teach us 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1T9G. V3 

— guide us — direct us. We have the same God to teach us as 
David had. Let us then, unlike the foolish of the world, be 
looking, and going forward?" 

" Grant, O Thou, into whose gracious hands I am enabled 
to commit my soul, that I may not rest with notions of Christ 
in my head, but that he may take uj) his dwelling in my heart 
by faith. Let me not only be pleased to hear of him, but inti- 
mately and solidly know him for myself, and not for another. 
Let the form of godliness, without the power, be my continual 
dread. Let me take heed that I do not rest in any duties per- 
formed ; but rather see them as splendid sins if they do not 
bring Christ to my soul. Let me value no teaching unless it 
be accompanied by the teaching of the Holy Spirit, which alone 
can make it effectual. In great mercy forbid that I should lose 
God in his t gifts. Though gifts are precious, they are useless 
and dead if Christ be not in them. I can truly say, I have not 
any trust, nor any comfort, save in the merits and blood of 
Jesus Christ : nor dare I look at my most holy things, but as 
they are sprinkled and washed in the blessed fountain open for 
sin and uncleanness. 

"'If thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, Lord, who 
should stand ? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou 
mayest be feared.' Oh that my many infirmities of late may 
rouse me to greater diligence ! I would walk with such a de- 
vout and holy circumspection as though there were no blessed 
fountain open for sin and uncleanness ; and I would at the same 
time depend so entirely upon the blessed atonement as to have 
no confidence in the flesh" 

Feb. 12. — "This morning I was favored by a call from my 
honored minister, who, in the kindest manner, gave me the 
most wholesome advice, which sunk deeply into my heart. — 
There are indeed many peculiar circumstances belonging to 
the subject upon which he spoke, to which he is au entire 
stranger : but all he said was highly just and proper; and will, 
I trust, teach me more than ever to turn mine eyes within, 
where there is work enough to do. The approbation of man, 
in many instances, cannot be obtained. But, oh, that I may 
have the testimony of a good conscience before God ! A se- 
cret consciousness that I have done as much as human imper- 
fection can do. Alas ! this is not the case at present. Lord, 
help me !" 

From close observation on mankind, and extensive knowl- 
edge of the world, no person was more alive than Mr. Cecil, to 
the deep and intricate perplexities often connected with family 
affairs ; and it must be acknowledged, that the trials which 
4 



74 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

Mrs. Hawkes experienced were unusually severe. To her 
especially, the expressive sentence might apply, " the heart 
knoweth its own bitterness;" and in Mr. Cecil's manner of 
treating Mrs. Hawkes' case, is discovered the wise and cautious 
spiritual physician, who applies his remedy, not to the sickly 
apprehension of the patient, but according to the real, present, 
spiritual malady of the afflicted. But the reader will gain 
from the following letter, written by Mrs. Hawkes, some years 
after, to a Christian friend in a school of like affliction, farther 
light upon that severe and perplexing dispensation, which 
caused her to feel the insufficiency of even the wisest and 
kindest counsellors. 

" To Mrs. . 



"My Dear Friend, — I thank you very affectionately for 
your sympathy in, and kind participation of my sorrows and 
afflictions. I have reason to be unfeignedly thankful that my 
bitter cup is mixed with many mercies ; and among the rest, 
is that of love and Christian friendship, with which few have 
been so largely favored. With respect to my various trials, 
I wish by no means to aggravate them by minute detail. Many, 
and many, far beyond me in Christian progress, have far 
heavier afflictions, with certainly less mitigation and fewer 
comforts. My visitations are lighter than I deserve. Yet you 
must allow me to correct some parts of your statement, with 
respect to my present painful dispensation. You observe, that 
while my bodily sufferings are heavy, I am excused from many 
pangs that frequently fill your heart with anguish, from a quar- 
ter with which your weal or woe is inseparably connected. 
Perhaps you will wonder when I assure you, that from the 
very same source has arisen my severest grief ; and all my bodi- 
ly pain, and weakness, and constant oppression — all my change 
of circumstances and loss of outward comforts — is compara- 
tively nothing to the load on my heart, occasioned by my ac- 
cumulated affliction, in that near connection of which you speak. 

If ever I had a wish dearer to me than another, it was that I 
might not only share the happiness of that relation, but also 
exert all my best faculties to fill up its high duties. If I am 
not mistaken, I could have borne great hardships, many dep- 
rivations, and other evils, with an affection which would have 
made them light and easy. I desire however to cast no blame 
save on myself. I am only now corrected for the wayward 
sins of my younger years : I was headstrong, self-willed, and 
precipitate. 



CHAP. III. PROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 75 

" I will not venture to say that I have done the best I could 
in this connection. I look back and reflect with sorrow, (as I 
suppose most others do on taking a retrospect of the past,) 
upon many errors, on occasions in which, with my present ad- 
vanced experience, I might have acted more wisely. I am 
thankful that, keen as is my disappointment and grief, I feel 
no sort of disposition to accuse, or to harbor displeasure ; 
much less for any unforgiven temper. I am enabled to look 
above second causes ; and to see my painful humiliating dispen- 
sation, to be a dispensation full of wisdom and mercy. I have 
ever been disposed to wind everything I love about my heart 
with a thousand strings ; and I verily think, had the same en- 
dearing attachments been granted me that are to some, I should 
have been buried in my inordinate affection to them. There- 
fore, my dear friend, I can truly say, through infinite mercy, 
and the help of all-sufficient grace, that although my heart 
must ever bleed with its own secret sorrows, and in a way that 
none can know but myself, yet so unspeakably great are the 
blessings conveyed to my soul through my various afflictions, 
that I am not only fully satisfied, but humbly and heartily 
thank my heavenly Father for all his dealings with me, and all 
his merciful chastisements; by means of which, through the 
sanctifying influences of the Holy Spirit, my heart is weaned 
from earth ; is made to seek and find all its health, happiness, 
and security in God ; to endure ' as seeing him who is invis- 
ble ;' and to look and long for that glorious city, where there 
shall be no more sorrow nor sin. 

" Pardon me for such a long preamble about my unworthy 
insignificant self, which I have entered into, partly to prove 
that I can sympathize in your particular trials more than you 
are aware ; but more especially to bear testimony to the faith- 
ful covenant-keeping Jehovah, who condescends to pour forth 
his promised blessings into my soul, so as to make me count 
these days of suffering, my best days. I am-, indeed, almost 
a prisoner, but I am the Lord's prisoner, filled with hope, and 
kept in peace. My sufferings abound ; but praised be his name, 
my consolations also abound ; and my joy is in Him, who is 
' the chiefest among ten thousand, and altogether lovely.' " 

After a digression which seemed needful to throw light on 
the subject of Mrs. Hawkes' afflictions, we return to Holloway, 
where we find her suffering one of the inconveniences incident 
to persons in her circumstances, — the necessity of associating 
with worldly company. 

Saturday. — " So much engaged this day, owing to the un- 
expected arrival of certain friends, as to be scarcely able to 



76 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

read, much less to write. Greatly tried with my servants : 
surely the enemy stirreth up their minds to mischief! O that 
I may be enabled to say with the Psalmist, 'I will behave my- 
self wisely in a perfect way ; I will set no wicked thing before 
my eyes ; I hate the work of them that turn aside.' " 



1 55 



The following letter from Mrs. Jones leads to the discovery 
that these visitors at Holloway, were persons very uncongenial 
to Mrs. Hawkes' religious habits and feelings. She writes, 

" I can anticipate your feelings, my dear sister, on the arrival 
of your present visitors. But you have no choice in it : their 
coming is quite unsolicited, and it must be considered as occur- 
ring in the order of providence. If you were assured that you 
would be able to say and do all that your heart wishes, you 
would exult in the opportunity. But there is not a single day 
that you can do this even in the most spiritual company ; and a 
little done in such a case is better than nothing. There is also 
a spirit and sympathy that is felt by others, even when no words 
are spoken. It is a great thing to have persons brought under 
the ministration of the word ; and God, who worketh all in all, 
appointeth ways and means according as it pleaseth him. Your 
times of private reading and meditation will be interrupted ; 
but your union with Christ is still the same, though the sweet 
intercourse is broken in upon ; and this makes the sacrifice yon 
offer the more valuable. This matter appears to be the will 
of God ; and whether it is intended for their profit, or your 
trial, will be seen in a future day. It is no small exercise for 
your faith now. May Christ himself make good his own word, 
and keep you from painful carefulness. You know from your 
former experience how he has kept you, by his mighty power, 
from the things you have most feared. If the increase of the 
knowledge and love of God is to come through faith, there must 
needs be difficulties to form our trials ; and there must needs 
be coming short of our desires from the weakness of our nature ; 
this throws us upon mercy, and sinks us to the dust in humili- 
ation. The first time I came to see you, after you were mar- 
ried, and spent a great deal of time in going about with you 
from place to place, it often came into my mind, ' What doest 
thou here V But God inclined your heart, at that time, to go 
with me to hear the gospel of the kingdom, and set before you 
an open door. I pray that God may meet your present visitors 
where he met you ; and then you will gladly make sacrifice of 
your comforts. O for that faith that would meet the will of 
God in everything ! The commands which have the harshest 



CIIAr. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 11 

sound, such as ' deny thyself,' — * take up thy cross,' are pleasant 
in experience, because of the help afforded ; and because the 
Christian fixes his eye upon the recompense of reward. 

" Retirement has its advantages, and society has its advan- 
tages also. Mutual love and forbearance are called forth as 
essential exercises, which strengthen and invigorate the racer. 
The frivolity of the society in general is an argument for seclu- 
sion ; but this practice is not according to the * more excellent 
way.' I am, however, sorry when Christians deem company 
essential to their happiness. Many people here invite me to 
spend a day with them. That phrase always strikes me with 
alarm — Spend a day ! My sand is nearly run ; I have not 
many more days to live ; and shall I spend a day in idleness ? — 
No, my days are every one engaged ; I have not one left to 
throw away. We have so much to thank God for, so much to 
love him for, and so much to ask him for, that, together with 
those duties immediately connected with our calling, and the 
kindness to be administered to Christ's suffering members, the 
business of our lives is already arranged, and the time is too 
short for the work we have to do. 

" The children of this world reprove our negligence in spirit- 
ual pursuits. Nothing can divert them from earnestness and 
assiduity. But, alas, we are loiterers ; turned aside by a thou- 
sand frivolities. May we have grace to press forward." 

Besides the benefit and consolation which Mrs. Hawkes de- 
rived from her attendance at St. John's Chapel, on Sundays, 
and at Long-Acre on Wednesday evenings, she took delight in 
attending a service held at six o'clock, on the Sunday mornings, 
at Lothbury, where Mr. Cecil was the alternate preacher. In 
her next memorandum she expresses her regret, on account of 
a temporary deprivation of this opportunity. 

Sunday. — " I am sorry Lothbury is shut up. It was pleasant 
and refreshing when I could go there and wait upon God early 
in the morning. But blessed be his name, he is to be found in 
the secret chamber, as I have experienced this day. Heard Mr. 
C. from 1 Cor. ii. 9. ' Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither 
have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath 
prepared for them that love him.' 

" A most animating discourse, describing the rich provision 
which God has condescended to make, both here and hereafter, 
for them that love him ; with the great and expensive prepara- 
tion. To have a just idea of the preparation, we must take a 
view of the cost. How dearly purchased ! even at the amazing 
expense of the precious blood of Christ, which is of more worth 
than a thousand worlds, or millions of gold and silver. But I 



78 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

must not mangle and deform this sermon by attempting to 
describe it. Lord, write on the tablet of my heart ! and let it 
encourage, and strengthen, and quicken me, so that I may go 
on my way rejoicing." 

Wednesday. — "Much engaged with friends; unwell in 
body ; and fatigued in mind. When shall I be so happy as to 
get spiritual good out of every rising occurrence? Oh for 
retirement and quiet, which has now so long been inter- 
rupted ! 

"Heard Mr. C. at Long- Acre, from 1 Kings xix. 19, 20. 
' So he departed thence, and found Elisha the son of Shaphat, 
who was ploughing with twelve yoke of oxen before him, and 
he with the twelfth, and Elijah passed by him, and cast his 
mantle upon him,' (which was customary in those days as a 
sign of love, protection, or favor.) This discourse tended to 
prove that one duty is not to be set up on the ruins of another. 
We are to be diligent in our calling, yet fervent in spirit, serv- 
ing the Lord. My soul was delighted and enriched ! Lord, 
ingraft it inwardly in my heart !" 

Thursday. — " Still greatly tried with my servants — tempted 
to impatience and peevishness. Oh when shall I be filled with 
the fruits of the Spirit, love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentle- 
ness, goodness, faith, meekness ! Shame belongs to me this 
day. Lord, in mercy sprinkle clean water upon me, and I shall 
be cleansed ! 

" The more we are surrounded and encumbered with cares 
and difficulties, the oftener should we endeavor to break away, 
and retire into the spirit of meditation and prayer." 

Friday. — "Still engaged with friends and visitors. Very 
unwell in body ; my mind stupid and uncomfortable, much op- 
pressed by domestic cares and sorrows. 

" Oh that I could more attend to the apostle's admonition, 
1 Add to your knowledge, temperance ; and to temperance, pa- 
tience ; and to patience, godliness ; and to godliness, brotherly 
kindness ; and to brotherly kindness, charity, or love.' 

" ' Christian temperance,' says Mr. Wesley, ' extends to all 
things, inward as well as outward ; to the due government of 
every thought and affection. Sour godliness, so called, is of the 
devil. Of true Christian godliness it may be said, 

" ' Mild, sweet, serene, and tender in her mood, 

Nor grave from sternness, nor from lightness free ; 
Against example resolutely good, 

Fervent in zeal, and warm in charity.'" 

Saturday. — " Much engaged in domestic matters ; but little 



CHAP. III. FKOM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 19 

time for retirement; some few comfortable seasons. Felt a 
want of patience with A. C. because of her instability ; but was 
soon enabled to recollect what a predominant feature that for- 
merly was in my own character. I have only to think of my 
own innumerable failings, and then I cannot be uncharitable to 
those of others. 

" Mr. C. remarked lately, 

" ' The danger of too much solitude, is, lest the mind, deeply 
and religiously impressed, should mistake the workings of the 
imagination for the teaching of the Spirit. See the mistakes 
concerning abstraction in some of the mystics.' 

" ' Lord, let me be changed into thine image and likeness,' is 
a comprehensive prayer ; and a prayer, my lips, (and, I trust, 
my heart) often utter. But what does it mean ? Am I to ob- 
tain the image of Christ by falling into a, perhaps favored, si- 
lent contemplation, as if I had nothing to do but wait in passive, 
(well if not indolent,) expectation of an effect to be produced 
by some sudden, resistless visitation from heaven ; some mys- 
tical influence, working with all the omnipotence of a charm, 
on my passive heart ? have I nothing to do but wait silently, 
and without co-operation ? Is not this the way of the mystics ? 
A way, which may, perhaps, be good as far as it goes ; but 
stopping short with a part, instead of combining a whole. What 
then is to be added ? To have the image of Christ, is practi- 
cally to say, in our measure, as he said, 'I came not to do mine 
own will, but the will of him that sent me.' It is, when an oc- 
casion of self-denial, and taking up our cross is presented, — to 
take up our cross, and be self-denying. It is, in the very midst 
of contradiction and reviling, to be meek and lowly, and for- 
giving, as he was. It is, to disregard all earthly splendor, either 
of riches, or talent, and to be ' poor in spirit.' It is, to have the 
graces of the Spirit in exercise. Alas ! I am ashamed ; ' If 
thou, Lord, shouldst mark iniquities, Lord, who shall stand V 
Surely, I need the furnace to be seven times heated, before my 
corrupt heart is sanctified, and cast into the mould of the 
Gospel." 

Wednesday. — " Heard Mr. C. at Long- Acre, from 2 Kings, 
ii. 9, 10. ' And it came to pass when they were gone over, 
that Elijah said unto Elisha, Ask what I shall do for thee, be- 
fore I be taken away from thee. And Elisha said, I pray thee, 
let a double portion of thy spirit be upon me. And he said, 
Thou hast asked a hard thing ; nevertheless, if thou see me 
when I am taken away from thee, it shall be so unto thee ; 
but if not, it shall not be so.' 

"Mr. C. remarked, — 



80 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" ' The Christian should be meeting God daily in retirement, 
and attending daily to the duties of religion. You see here, 
that though Elijah knew he was to be taken up to heaven that 
day, he did not set it apart for any particular acts of devotion. 
Some would have said, that when such a great change as from 
earth to heaven was to take place, the whole day, at least, should 
have been set apart for prayer : that when God did come, he 
should have found the prophet on his knees. But the best way 
of being prepared to meet God, is by a continual practice of re- 
ligion, and an uninterrupted adherence to his commands ; and 
then we shall be aliuays ready. You are not to shut yourselves 
up in a monastery, to become hermits, to be always going upon 
the mount ; but your heart and life, in every situation, in every 
occupation, is to be devoted to God. 

" ' Ask what I shall do for thee,' &c, and Elisha said, e let a 
double portion of thy spirit be upon me.' Here is a noble re- 
quest. He did not ask for fame, riches, or honor. ' And Elijah 
said, Thou hast asked a hard thing.' By this expression must 
be understood a great thing : as if he had said, thou hast not 
made a trifling request, but hast asked nobly, largely ; and it is 
what I cannot promise, because I cannot give it thee ; it must 
come from God. I did not give it to myself; therefore I can 
only pray that thou mayst have it. But this shall be a sign, — 
If thou see me when I am taken away, it shall be so. As if he 
had said, if God give thee the strength to look upon this bright 
vision, if it please him to open thine eyes to see me go away ; — 
it will please him also to give thee thy petition : but if thou see 
me not, it shall not be so. If it is not the will of God that thou 
shouldst have it, he will not enable thee to see me. 

" ' Hence we may learn, that everything cometh from God. 
Even this great prophet, who was so peculiarly honored of God ? 
could not make Elisha any promise as from himself. No more 
can the ministers of the Gospel bestow anything on the hear- 
ers, of themselves. We can warn ; we can declare to you the 
glorious mysteries of the Gospel ; we can point out the way ; we 
can pray for you ; but we can do no more ; the rest must come 
from God. It is he who must work in you to will and to do of 
his own good pleasure. then be like Elisha ; seek the bless- 
ing. It is remarkable that Elijah three times desired Elisha to 
stay behind ; but he had made up his mind ; he was resolved 
to be profited by this glorious example to the last. He reso- 
lutely refused to leave him ; — ' As the Lord liveth, and as thy 
soul liveth, I will not leave thee.' Let me recommend the same 
spirit to you, my brethren. Be resolute in keeping close to 
God, — close to his people. "When temptations and difficulties 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1*796. 81 

come upon you, still, like Elisha, be not persuaded to stay be- 
hind. The world will entice you ; — your ungodly friends may 
laugh at you — your own evil heart will dispose you to stay 
from God, and from his house ; but still say, like Elisha, I will 
not leave thee. I will seek God's Holy Spirit. And remem- 
ber, that for your encouragement, you have a sure promise : 
' He will give his Holy Spirit to them that ask it.' " 

March 10. — "All the last week I have been confined to my 
room by severe illness. But I desire not to be careful about 
my bodily sufferings ; it matters not, so that my Saviour is 
with me ; His presence is better than ease, better than life 
itself. 

" ' Welcome weariness and pain, 
Pledges of relief and ease ! 
Loss of strength to me is gain, 
Let my wretched days decrease ! 
All my days shall soon be past, 
Pain and grief shall bring the last !' " 

April 1G. Mem. — " Forgetfiilness will always be a cause of 
chastisement. So I have found it this day in a painful lesson. 
I would however pray more earnestly to be strengthened and 
confirmed in my hold of Christ, that he would in mercy keep 
my faith from being shaken. I have sustained much loss through 
unwatchfulness. ' In the multitude of words there wanteth not 
sin ; but he that refraineth his lips is wise.' I would desire to 
look back upon what is past and inquire, ' have I not sometimes 
trusted too much to my own faith, and clearness of evidence, 
rather than to Christ, who is the same, yesterday, to-day, and 
forever V Let me examine my own heart more humbly upon 
this point ; and watch more unto prayer. I am yet in an ene- 
my's land, and know not what changes I shall meet with before 
my warfare is over. Let not him that girdeth on his harness 
boast himself as he that putteth it off." 

About this period Mrs. Hawkes left Holloway for a short time, in 
order to make her annual visit to her relatives at Broad Marston, 
and its vicinity. It appears that her health had previously been 
very delicate, and her spirits particularly weak : — which may 
account for her feeling much exhausted by a journey of above 
a hundred miles. 

Monday, April 2 8, 1 7 94. Broad Marston. — "After much fa- 
tigue, and many fears, I arrived here this evening. ' Set a watch, 
Lord, before my mouth ; keep the door of my lips.' Let me re- 
member that wisdom shows itself in speaking just enough, and 
4* 



82 MEMOIRS OF AIRS. HAWKES. 

not too much, and in proper time. May simplicity and sincerity 
guide my speech !" 

Sunday, May 4. — " 'There is a river the streams whereof shall 
make glad the city of God.' 

" ' A man shall be as a hiding-place from the wind, and a 

covert from the tempest ; as rivers of water in a dry place.' 

* % * * * ' . * 

" ' Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up mine eyes. Thy faithful- 
ness is unto all generations.' " 

Wednesday, 7.— "Very ill, and in much pain; a body of sin 
and death, with an oppressed mind, makes me groan, being bur- 
dened. God be merciful to me a sinner ! ' Thou desiredst not 
sacrifice, else would I give it thee; thou delightest not in burnt 
offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit ; a broken 
and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.' " 

Sunday, 11. — " ' My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth for the 

courts of the Lord.' " 

* * * * * % 

" ' Should not the shepherds feed the flocks V l Am I a God 
at hand, saith the Lord, and not a God afar off?' " 

The connection and application of these texts are written in 
obscure short hand. But the feelings of the writer, at this 
time deprived of her usual spiritual privileges, are clearly 
evinced, and will be farther illustrated by the concluding sen- 
tence. 

" I do indeed mourn for the want of my usual privileges. But 
may not this be partly a device of the enemy to prevent me from 
getting all the good I can in my present circumstances ? ' Watch 
and pray lest ye enter into temptation,' is a text I need con- 
stantly to keep in mind." 

Mrs. Hawkes intending, before her return to Holloway, to visit 
Birmingham, writes to Mrs. Jones as follows : 

" I hope soon to gratify my longing desire to enjoy a little 
of the society of one of the kindest and best sisters that ever 
fell to the favored lot of anybody in this world ; given me 
through the great goodness of that gracious God and Father, 
who, whenever he inflicts, exhibits his tender mercy by the mit- 
igation of every stroke. I must ever acknowledge with grati- 
tude and deep humiliation, that he not only has never dealt 
with me as my iniquities deserve ; but that he has in various 
instances showed me great loving-kindness ; and satisfied my 
mouth with good things, — in spiritual things, good beyond all 
calculation ! 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 83 

" I have felt much earnestness to-day in prayer respecting our 
meeting ; that we may both of us follow the openings of Provi- 
dence, and that our way may be made clear. I was much struck, 
some time since, with an observation of Mr. C.'s. — He remarked, 
1 If we had faith we should be less perplexed in many cases than 
we are ; for our path might be made much more plain.' I trust 
if good is designed by our seeing each other, it will be brought 
about. I cannot feel willing that this summer should pass with- 
out the desire of my heart being accomplished. In the pres- 
ent, as well as in a thousand other instances, I fear I cannot 
come up to the example you set me, of giving up my own will 
respecting it. But I can in this, as in other cases, beg that my 
heavenly Father will not suffer me to have the thing I long for, 
if it is not his will. I often rejoice that I am in the hands of 
One, that will not indulge me to my hurt ; and I trust that, 
through grace, I can acknowledge him good in what he denies, 
as well as in what he gives. My heart has of late been much 
taken up in contemplating the love of God in Christ ; and greatly 
does it triumph and rejoice therein. My views have been en- 
larged on the subject, by two or three sermons on the Canticles, 
in which Mr. C. so delightfully, and so spiritually, opened the 
character of God, as a God of love. He says, believers are too 
narrow in their thoughts, and are apt to forget this Divine at- 
tribute ; and thus God is greatly dishonored. Seeing him in 
Christ, we should see nothing but a God of love, who is pleased, 
in the prosperity of his servants. Ah ! the soul-reviving sight 
makes me long for stronger faith to comprehend more of that 
love of which I yet have but a glimmering view. My desire is 
to be entirely engaged in the pursuit after the knowledge of 
God and myself. It seems to me that both should go together ; 
that holy joy should be tempered by deep humiliation ; and that 
deep humiliation should find support in holy joy. When the 
heart has this joy, it prays with comfort : it reads the Bible as 
a rich heir reads over the will of his father, which puts him in 
the possession of his wealth. As he reads it over, he realizes ttue 
thought, ' this is mine, and that is mine.' So the believer, as he 
goes over the Scriptures, says, ' all is mine.' Pray for me, that I 
may be able to say this more and more." 

Shortly after, Mrs. Hawkes went to Birmingham, and during 
her stay there, she made a visit to Mrs. Fletcher, widow of the 
Rev. J. Fletcher, of Madeley. 

The following memorandum gives some particulars of this 
meeting*. 

Thursday, May 15, 1794.' — "Mrs. Jones and myself set 
out for Madeley. We had a pleasant drive, but lost much 



84 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

time on the road, for which we suffered. We reached the 
house of that honorable Christian, Mrs. Fletcher, about five 
o'clock. My spirit was awed and humbled, not only by the 
noble character of Mrs. F., but by the recollection of the sacred 
roof under which I was. I would gladly have taken my seat 
at the threshold of the door, for I felt unworthy to advance any 
farther. But I was soon made to forget my wretched self, my 
attention being turned to better subjects. While in converse 
with Mrs. Fletcher, I felt that sacred influence which I desire 
ever to feel. Glory be to our adorable Saviour, he conde- 
scended to be present with us ; and my soul found it a 
refreshing season. Here indeed the Sun of Righteousness has 
arisen, and seems to shine continually. Here the Lord giveth 
rain in its season, and the souls of the inhabitants are like a 
well-watered garden, and like a spring of water, whose waters 
fail not. Here is a Christian indeed. Alas ! what am I ? 
what have I been doing? Surely no more than slumbering, 
creeping, dragging on in my heavenly journey. Lord, in 
mercy speak unto me, that I may go forward ; and let me run 
the race set before me. 

" The first remark Mrs. Fletcher made, was on the shortness 
of her breath, occasioned by a complaint from which she had 
long suffered. With an animated countenance she said, ' She 
often thought death could not be far distant. Some time since,' 
she added, 'I had a dangerous illness, which my friends 
expected would carry me off: and I began to rejoice in the 
belief that it was my Lord's will I should speedily join my dear 
friends in heaven. But my disorder taking an unexpected 
turn, I perceived my time of release was not to be yet, but 
that God would have me live a little longer ; and blessed be 
his name, I found I had no choice ; I could equally embrace 
his will either for life or death. I felt the will of my God like 
unto a soft pillow, upon which I could lie down, and find rest 
and safety in all circumstances. Oh, it is a blessed thing to 
sink into the will of God in all things ! Absolute resignation 
to the Divine will, baffles a thousand temptations ; and confi- 
dence in our Saviour, carries us sweetly through a thousand 
trials. I find it good to be in the balance, awfully weighed 
every day, for life or death.' 

" She then gave us a wonderful and pleasing account of the 
Rev. Melville Home, and read a letter with a history of his 
voyage to the New Settlement — the storms and dangers he 
and his wife encountered, and how astonishingly they were 
preserved from anything like repining, or questioning the 
goodness and mercy of God, or his own call of duty in the 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 85 

course be was taking, notwithstanding the opposition he expe- 
rienced. They had both given themselves up for lost, expect- 
ing the next returning billow to have sunk the ship ; and they 
were waiting and looking for death, not only with composure, 
but in a spirit of rejoicing : a strong evidence of great faith, 
especially when all the circumstances were considered. ' Who 
is among you that feareth the Lord, that obeveth the voice of 
his servant, that walketh in darkness and hath no light ? Let 
him trust in the name of the Lord, and stay upon his God.' — 
Mrs. F. remarked, ' Then is faith the strongest, when it can 
lay hold on God at the time everything seems to go against 
us ; when the way is hedged up with thorns, or, as Habakkuk 
expresses it, ' Although the fig-tree shall not blossom.' Lord, 
increase my faith ! 

"Speaking of the disease of my own heart, she replied, 
1 Come to Jesus !' adding, 'I feel sometimes as though all I had 
to say to everybody was, Come to Jesus ! don't be kept back ; 
if you feel you have done amiss, and have received wounds, 
where can you go but to Jesus ? He has everything to give 
that you can want. In every circumstance, in every situation, 
come freely to your Saviour !' But my treacherous memory 
will not retain the encouraging, inviting, persuasive expressions 
she here made use of. Thou, who alone teachest to profit, 
write them upon my heart, and bring them to my remembrance 
when they will be most useful. 

" After our dear Mrs. Fletcher had prayed with us, we parted. 
Three such hours I have not spent for a long season. I esteem 
this interview as one of the choicest favors. Oh that I may be 
the better for it ! 

" Among other things she related a dream which had been 
made useful to one who had grown negligent and slothful in 
the ways of God. - * 

" Went to the Dale to sleep. A most beautiful and enchant- 
ing place, abounding with the wonders of nature ; but no sight 
in this world can be half so animating and astonishing, or so 
beautiful, as that of a true Christian — a new creature — an 



* The reader needs scarcely to be reminded, that the word of God is 
the only rule by which to judge of our present state, or future prospects. 
A doctrine, however, suggested, whether it be by the counsel of a 
friend, or a dream of the night, is only so far to be regarded as it 
agrees •with the " law and the testimony." The virgins, in the parable, 
slumbered and slept, but having' oil in their vessels, they rose and 
trimmed them, though it was midnight. Such is the earnest and lively 
preparation for eternity to which a bed of sickness, or any other rous- 
ing consideration, is sometimes, under the influence of Divine grace, 
rendered subservient. 



86 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

image of him in whom all the nations of the earth are blessed ; 
a proof of what Divine grace can do." 

Holloway, May 17, 1*794. — " Returned to town, accompanied 
by my dear sister Jones. ' Bless the Lord, O my soul, and 
forget not all his benefits : who forgiveth all thine iniquities, 
who healeth all thy diseases; who redeemeth thy life from 
destruction ; who crowneth thee with loving-kindness and ten- 
der mercies.' " 

Sunday, 18. — "Went with Mrs. Jones to hear Mr. Scott, 
who preached from Acts, xx. 24. Under his discourse, my 
mind was strengthened, enlivened, calmed, and comforted." 

Saturday, 24. — " Mrs. Jones left me. The loss of her 
society makes me feel an aching void which no one can fill. 
Her kindness and sympathy were so cheering, and her Christian 
converse so animating. Lord, enable me to look to thee ! Let 
me ever rejoice in the security of thy friendship. Enable me 
to walk with thee ; and O, do thou graciously walk with me ; 
not only when thou makest thy sun to shine on my path, but 
when the storms beat hard." 

Sunday, May 25.— "Heard Mr. C. from 2 Cor. i. 9. 'But 
we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not 
trust in ourselves, but in God who raiseth the dead.' 

" To have this truth brought home to the heart, to feel 
there is no help in man — ' Cursed is the man that trusteth in 
man' — and that health, strength, and Avealth are in themselves 
but vanity ; to feel every moment, that there is in everything 
a sentence of death, is a lesson not learnt in a day. 

" There needs many a stroke to detach us from such props 
as God declares will break down ; and to teach us effectually 
not to trust in ourselves, nor in others, but in God, who is a 
faithful, promise-keeping God ; to teach us, that when there is 
no truth nor goodness in man, there is all in God, in whom we 
may put our whole trust. Thus did Abraham, when he was 
called to slay Isaac. 

" The poet, and the mourner, acknowledge the sentence, and 
then think no more about it ; but the Christian has a sanctified 
teaching of it; he learns it practically. God takes his prop- 
erty, his faculties, or what he holds dear, and by it he says, 
look away from all to me ; hear my voice, which is the voice 
of a Father, calling you to trust where alone you cannot be 
disappointed. 

" God teaches us we have death within and without. Ho 
writes upon all, ' Dead, dead, dead.' He will seem sometimes 
to press us almost beyond measure, and bring us to our wits' 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1*796. 87 

end ; and this is to make religion something more than mere 
talk ; and also to destroy our self-confidence, the greatest of all 
idols. 

" When a Christian begins to forget his profession, God will 
come in some providential dispensation, saying, 'Get thee 
out ;' a sentence of death is past, there is nothing here to rest 
upon ; look higher than earth. God knows that is best for a 
man which is best for his soul, and which shall profit him ages 
hence. 

" We should consider, if we are under any painful dispensa- 
tion, that it may be in answer to our own prayers ; we have 
been asking of God that we may be pilgrims indeed ; and he 
has answered us by giving us ' not so much as to set the sole 
of our foot upon.' 

" While there is a sentence of death on the one hand, the 
Devil would bring a sentence of despair on the other ; but the 
believer has still a lively hope in Christ Jesus ; he has got the 
prison doors open, and the king's hand signed to his pardon ; 
and his trust is ' in God that raiseth the dead.' 

" A Christian does not recoil and sink into melancholy, be- 
cause he sees and feels the sentence of death on every side ; for 
he is taught by faith to hear the proclamation of the Gospel, 
and to close in with it. He says, ' He hath made with me an 
everlasting covenant, ordered in all things, and sure ; for this is 
all my salvation, and all my desire.' 

" ' God deals with us by dispensations ; and whatever is in 
the world, the family, the church, or in our own experience, is 
to be found in the Bible beforehand. God's chastisements dif- 
fer from his judgments ; as how severe soever they may be, still 
a believer, if he looks closely, will find mercy mixed with every 
stroke. It is ' in measure ;' when he sendeth it forth, he ' de- 
bateth with it.' He does not send afflictions by accident, nor 
in passion. It is the dealing of a perfect being, contending 
with the heart, and telling us, He is a holy and jealous God ; 
that he trieth the reins ; and that though we may think all is 
very well, and we are safe, and there is nothing amiss, yet his 
pure eye discovers much that lies latent in the soul, and it 
must be brought out. An east wind must blow either upon 
the property, upon the family, or upon some beloved object ; 
and the fruit of it is to ' take away sin.' We must be taught 
that there is a sentence of death, and learn to live to God.' " 

Soon after Mrs. Hawkes returned to Hollo way, a dispensa- 
tion opened upon her, to which her affectionate heart was pe- 
culiarly prepared to respond. It was one effect of her personal 
sorrows, under Divine grace, to produce in her a tender sym- 



88 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

pathy with all the sons and daughters of affliction ; a sympathy 
which was particularly drawn out in her intercourse with the 
family of the Rev. R. Cecil. The acquaintance between Mrs. 
Hawkes and Mrs. Cecil, had now grown into an unreserved and 
intimate friendship ; and in the bonds of Christian love they 
were so united, that one member could neither suffer nor rejoice 
without the other. It may, therefore, easily be conceived how 
deeply Mrs. Hawkes must have felt in the sudden and alarming- 
illness with which Mrs. Cecil was at this time visited ; especially 
as this stroke followed almost immediately upon another — the 
death of a beloved child in that family — a boy of four years 
old, of great interest and promise. A reference to Mrs. 
Hawkes' diary will best show, how ready she was on this occa- 
sion, to comply with that Scripture precept, ' weep with them 
that weep.' 

Wednesday, May 28, 1794. — "Another painful visitation in 
the house of the man of God ! What a solemn season ! Af- 
fliction seems to come upon affliction. All my sorrowful sym- 
pathies are called out to the uttermost. O Thou, who as a 
father pitiest thy children, inspire and hear prayer on this oc- 
casion ! ' O let the sighing of the prisoner come before thee ; 
according to the greatness of thy power, preserve thou those 
that are appointed to die !' " 

Thursday, May 29. — " As cold water is to a thirsty soul, so 
is good news to an anxious mind. ' If ye shall ask any thing 
in my name, I will do it.' " 

Friday, May 30. — " Clouds return again ! Doleful tidings 
from Little James Street! Tears are my meat and drink; 
wherever I go, I seem to carry the dear sufferer in my arms, 
crying, Lord, visit her with thy healing power. ' Affliction 
cometh not forth of the dust, neither doth trouble spring out of 
the ground.' ' The Lord doth not willingly afflict.' While 
this cloud lasts, I will get me upon my watch-tower ; I will also 
entreat that he would awake during the storm, and say, ' Peace, 
be still ;' for at his mighty word of power, the winds and waves 
shall obey." 

The same day, Mrs. Hawkes received the following note from 
Mr. Cecil :— 

" Mr. Cecil's kindest regards to Mrs. Hawkes, and hopes he 
can say that Mrs. C. is rather better. Dr. Reynolds and Dr. 
Underwood met last night, and gave him hopes of her recovery; 
but while such alarming symptoms remain, he stauds like Jacob, 
' greatly afraid and distressed for the mother with the children.' 
Thanks be to God, that the grand concern is liable to no such 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 179G. 80 

change, and that the present is under a perfect and gracious di- 
rection." 

Mrs. Hawkes' diary here furnishes an account of the inter- 
view with Mr. Cecil, the particulars of which were, by her per- 
mission, inserted by the Rev. Josiah Pratt, in his personal char- 
acter of Mr. Cecil.* 

Saturday, Maij 31, 1794. — "Venturing to call on Mr, Cecil 
this morning, to inquire after Mrs. Cecil, I found he had given 
orders that no one should see him. But my great anxiety for 
Mi*s. C. being well known, I was, as a particular favor, admitted 
into the study, — where I found Mr. Cecil sitting over his Bible 
in great sorrow. He said the physicians gave him next to no 
hope. His tears fell so fast, that he could utter only broken 
sentences. Every look and every word was solemnity itself. 
He said, ' Christians do well to speak of the grace, love, and 
goodness of God ; but we must also remember, he is a holy 
and a jealous God. Judgment must begin at the house of God. 
This severe stroke is only a farther call to me, to arise and 
shake myself. My hope is still firm in God. He who sends 
the stroke, will bear me up under it ; and I have no doubt but 
if I saw the whole of what God is doing, I should say, 4 Let 
her be taken.' Yet, while there is life, I cannot help saying, 
'Spare her another year, that I may be a little prepared for her 
loss.' I know I have higher ground for comfort ; but I shall 
deeply feel the taking away of the dying lamp. Her excellence 
as a wife, and a mother, I am obliged to keep out of sight, or 
I should be overwhelmed. All I can do, is to go from text to 
text, as a bird from spray to spray. Our Lord said to his dis- 
ciples, ' Where is your faith ?' God has given her to be my 
comfort these many years, and shall I not trust him for the fu- 
ture ? This is only a farther and more expensive education for 
the work of the ministry ; it is but saying more closely, ' Will 
you pay the price V If she should die, I shall request all my 
friends never once to mention her name to me. I can gather 
no help from what is called friendly condolence. Job's friends 
understood grief better, when they sat down and spake not a 
word.'" 

Tuesday, June 3. — " Thank God for a ray of hope ; still 
many fears ; I will cry mightily unto God." 

Wednesday, 4. — " 'Hope thou in God,' (see 1 Kings, xiii. 6.) 
He has only to speak the word, ' I will, be thou whole,' and it 
shall be done. ' Unto Thee lift I up mine eyes, O thou that 
dwellest in the heavens,' — ' Do thou it, for thy name's sake.' " 

* See Cecil's Works, Vol. I. p. 143. First Edition. 



90 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

On this affecting occasion Mrs. Jones wrote to Mrs. Hawkes 
as follows : — 

" Your letter, my dear sister, informing me of the very dan- 
gerous illness of Mrs. Cecil, has filled me with grief. I am dis- 
tressed for the man of God. No doubt prayer is offered in the 
churches without ceasing. But though the sentence of death 
may be already passed upon her, yet he who raises the dead 
can raise her up again : therefore pray on. May God be abun- 
dantly gracious to them both, and cause his loving-kindness to 
appear on their behalf. But if her release is at hand, let us 
turn our eyes to the brighter side, and view her received into 
the mansions of blessedness ; exchanging pain and weariness 
for glory and immortality ! Could we see the glory that is re- 
vealed when the everlasting doors are opened to admit an heir 
of heaven, our sighs and tears would be changed to hallelujahs ! 
Yet the sight might, perhaps, be too strong for us in this state 
of probation. What views had good Mr. Fletcher, when, in his 
last moments, he called out to those about him, ' Shout, shout 
— I want to hear you shout that ' God is love.'' " 

" I cannot fear for the man of God, whose loss, however, will 
be unspeakably heavy. No, the Lord will strengthen him that 
he faint not. The grace of submission to providential dispen- 
sations, is exclusively the gift of God. When the mighty 
power of faith turns our eyes from the things that are seen to 
the things that are not seen, we can trust God for ourselves and 
others. Hitherto I have been enabled to trust God more for 
myself than my friends ; but I have always found him a sus- 
tainer in extremity. However his afflictions may terminate, it 
will assuredly work for good. In the mean time, we must rest 
on the anchor of hope." 

It pleased God to hear the earnest and united supplications 
which were offered on this occasion, and soon to restore Mrs. 
Cecil to a state of convalescence. Shortly after, Mrs. Hawkes 
received from her beloved invalid friend, the following note, 
which she ever after preserved as an interesting memorial. 

" My dear Sister, and dearest Friend, — I cannot write, and 
therefore I beg Mr. Cecil to put down a few words. I have 
been shaken mightily ; yet hope, though but a reed, to be 
stronger when the blast is over. I know it will afford you com- 
fort to hear, that the physicians have pronounced me radically 
better to-day. It is impossible for me to express my sense of 
your kindness, and I should certainly accept of what you so 
kindly propose, if it were necessary ; and whenever I find it is, 
you shall know. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 91 

" I wish exceedingly to retain the benefit of your prayers ; 
but charge you to refrain from oppressing me with your tears. 
And remain, with the tenderest affection, and gratitude, 
" Yours in our common Lord, 

"J. Cecil." 

On the following Sunday, June 8, 1*794, Mr. Cecil preached 
a sermon from Eccles. vii. 2. On the advantages of the 
house of mourning, which may be seen among his printed 
sermons. 

The following passage in Mrs. Hawkes' diary alludes to Mrs. 
Cecil's recovery : — 

Wednesday, 11. — "'God is the Lord, who has showed us 
light !' ' O thou that hearest prayer, unto thee shall all flesh 
come.' May this occasion confirm my faith in God, as a prayer- 
hearing and answering God. Through all impediments and in- 
firmities, may my requests be made known unto God ; and may 
every trial, temptation, and difficulty, forward, rather than hin- 
der, my application to him." 

The impression made on Mr. Cecil's mind by the late visita- 
tion, are thus described in a letter from Mrs. Hawkes to Mrs. 
Jones. 

" I never was more glad to see Mr. Burn. Our beloved pas- 
tor much needed help. I will not attempt to tell you his late 
sorrows, nor his present thankfulness for Mi's. C.'s restoration ; 
but I will tell you his weighty words, which I pray God, we 
may hide in our hearts, till they shine forth in our lives. ' I 
most particularly ree i uest your prayers, that I may profit by 
this season.' I have never before been led to reflections so 
solemn. It is a peculiar time, and I dread lest I should not 
improve it. The enemy comes in like a flood, with a thou- 
sand other things ; but in the strength of the Lord I endeavor 
to say, ' Get thee behind me, Satan,' for I have no time now to 
attend to thy malicious inventions. The Lord affords me 
lessons out of the furnace without being in it. Blessed be God, 
my soul is all ear. May instruction be sealed on my poor 
foolish heart. 

" Yesterday evening, Mr. C.'s conversation was truly of a 
kind that I can only express by Scripture phrase — ' salted with 
fire? ' You see,' said he, ' to what expense I am put to be a 
minister. This is a call from God to preach better, and to 
live better ; and if I do not obey it, the furnace will be made 
seven-times hotter. I shall, if I am spared, make a closer 
attack upon the conscience of my several congregations than I 
have done. This is to tell me, in a louder voice, that every- 



92 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

thing is dying around me : it is a pruning time. ' Every branch 
that beareth fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more 
fruit.' Our fruit is crude and unripe, so that it scarcely deserves 
the name of fruit, and therefore it must be pruned. A vine, 
by the influence of the sun and rain, will cast out long shoots, 
and presently run over the side of a house : yet the shoots are 
wild, and there will be no fruit good for anything unless the 
vine is pruned. We are calling for sun and showers, and 
telling God these will be sufficient. We would have this, and 
escape that: but the truth is, God will have more fruit. He 
will give it a finer flavor. He will have it ripe, and therefore 
we must be pruned ; it is God's way and method. The devil 
is very busy with suggestions at such a time as this ; but hk 
should not be listened to for a moment. Every hard thought 
of God, if it is even looked at, spreads destruction : a stream of 
fire and brimstone from hell is not so destructive as such mis- 
givings.' Here my mind was so overwhelmed that I lost the 
finishing sentence. May what I did hear, be engraven by the 
finger of God, the Holy Spirit, upon my heart, as upon an 
adamant, never to be erased. Mr. C. farther said, 'God was 
speaking to him, as he was to Jacob, ' Arise, go up to Bethel, 
and dwell there.' He had been hoping for a little rest at this 
and the other period. But God says, ' Go up to Bethel.' It is 
not to be had here, but there? He said, ' the stroke being so 
sudden, he was not prepared for it ; and therefore the voice out 
of it was to be always ready? I much fear she is only spared 
for this end, that he may be prepared for her removal : but 
why should I fear ? God is all wisdom and love, and will do 
that which is best for all.* 

" Mr. C. continued to say, - A Christian will hear the voice 
of God in everything. If a cold nipping east wind comes and 
cuts ofT all his fair blossoms, chills every comfort, he enters into 
the design, and says, by this shall mine iniquity be purged : 
and if the east wind be sharp, still ' He stayeth his rough 
wind.' The parent who has a child that must go through a 
painful operation, will entreat the surgeon to invent the easiest 
method for performing it. ' Do not give any more pain than 
you can help consistently with safety.' ' Deal gently with the 
young man.' So God saith, ' I will send a keen east wind, but 

* It pleased God not only to spare the life of Mrs. Cecil, at this time, 
but also to preserve it for many years afterwards. It was her painful 
lot to witness the dying out of that bright lamp which had illuminated 
herself and others : and during twenty years of widowhood, her only 
consolation was the hope of joining him in perfect day, whom she so 
tenderly loved and honored here below. 



CHAP. III. FROM. A. D. 1790 TO 1196. 03 

not my rough wind : I will put forth a blight upon all his 
pleasant things, but there shall be no storms ; that will be too 
much.' No physician ever weighed out the medicine to his 
patient with half as much exactness, and care, as God weighs 
out to us every trial : not one grain too much does he ever per- 
mit to be put into the scale.' But I cannot recollect some of 
the choicest things he said. I only know, that what I heard 
made me tremble ; for I am sure there is much iniquity in my 
heart and nature to be purged away ; and though I have had 
a cold blighting east wind, yet I fear I must have storms also, 
before I am purified. However, I am in the hands of perfect 
wisdom and perfect love, and my prayer is, to be made holy 
1 if by any means.'' 

" This deeply experimental discourse shows, in part, what the 
man of God has gained out of this dispensation, which, he says, 
he would not have been without for thousands. Indeed, it is 
evident, he has gained great riches by it. All is gold that 
comes to him. He says he cannot attempt to tell me what this 
trying season has brought out. He feels like a man that has 
been arrested and ordered for execution, but who has obtained 
the king's pardon. He does not expect to receive such an in- 
dulgence again : therefore he fixes his eye like a hawk, upon 
' Be ye ready,' stand ' with your loins girded,' be prepared to 
part with everything. He lives, he says, upon the faith that 
removes mountains ; it is a subject he speaks upon with cau- 
tion ; but is a great point with him. He does not know in 
what channel God may convey the answer to prayer : it may 
be in a way very different from what he has expected ; with 
that he has' nothing to do. Our business is, in everything, 
great and small, to treat immediately with God ; that is, the 
nearest way, and then believe, nothing doubting. 

" You will give me credit when I say, I would not have lost 
all this for any sum of money." 

Mrs. Jones' reply to her sister is both beautiful and highly 
characteristic. She writes — 

" I am truly thankful for the good tidings you have sent me 
of our dear friend. Oh, that all the world knew more of that 
text, ' God is love !' As to the omnipotence, omniscience, and 
omnipresence of God, of these we can only think as ' children,' 
but his love we may contemplate as 'fathers.' We are more 
capable of partaking of this divine attribute than of any other, 
and he in whom the love of God is perfected, ' dwelleth in love.' 
Many men talk of liberality of mind, generous principles, large- 
ness of heart, and fine feelings, — but whatever does not derive 



94 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

its supplies from this fountain, how pleasant soever, will be 
faithless as a brook, which though, for a time, it may cheer 
many, yet in the burning heat and freezing cold, it will fail. — 
Love alone, ' never faileth.' It is active as the fire, patient as 
the sun. But the apostle hath spoken of it so fully in 1 Cor. 
xiii., that ever to speak of it after him is a poor attempt. Let 
us use what we have, and ask for more. The best way to in- 
crease in this, and every other grace, is to be more in the exer- 
cise of it. 

" Tell dear Mrs. C, I now think I shall reach the Celestial 
City before her, and when she hears it, I hope she will sing 
hallelujah ! 

" I never hear any minister enter so deeply into the subject 
of affliction as Mr. C. It is enough to make one wish for a 
taste of that cup, which from his hands who composes the 
mixture, produces such enlightening and saving effects. But 
in the idea of suffering, we conceive but little of the bitter 
which is infused into the draught. If I am not mistaken, 
there is one ingredient in your cup, which appears to me of 
divine bounty : you are highly favored in having free access to 
so wise a minister, who is able to instruct you in a way peculiar 
to himself in the mysteries of the kingdom. I rejoice in all your 
comforts and advantages ; it is a common remark, that ' Great 
afflictions are often attended with great favors ;' which strongly 
evidences the compassion of Him, who was made in the likeness 
of man, and who is touched with our infirmities. It is an 
unspeakable encouragement to know, both from his own word 
and from our own experience, that ' he heareth us,' and helpeth 
us too ; for I am sure we should say nothing to the purpose if 
he did not assist our intercessions. But he who giveth the 
Spirit, knoweth what is the mind of the Spirit, and answers the 
yet unformed prayer. We must believe that God takes no 
pleasure in afflicting his children ; and if it were not to show 
his mighty power, and all-supporting goodness, probably there 
had been no martyrs. He does, and will, amply recompense 
the instruments of his glory. The promises of grace, which lie 
hidden in the word, are searched out in their fulness by suffer- 
ing subjects. Oh for stronger faith to enter into the riches of 
God, which are laid up for us in Christ Jesus !" 

The joy which was felt on account of Mrs. Cecil's recovery, 
was much chastened by the long-continued weakness under 
which she subsequently labored ; and which tended to keep 
alive those deep impressions, which had been produced on the 
mind of Mr. Cecil. This appears marked in the sermons he 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1*796. 95 

preached at this period, of which Mrs. Hawkes' diary furnishes 
many notices. 

Sunday. — "Heard Mr. C. from Ps. Ixi. 2. 'From the end 
of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is over- 
whelmed : lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.' 

" ' This psalm was penned when David was in trouble ; and 
we learn from it where to flee when we are in the like circum- 
stances. ' Hear my cry, God, attend unto my prayer ; when 
my heart is overwhelmed,' &c. Here seems an allusion to a 
man drowning — to one sinking in the mighty waters — 'All 
thy waves and thy billows are gone over me.' 

" ' All must know, that are arrived at any age, what it is to 
be overwhelmed with trouble, from one cause or another ; either 
from bereavements, or from disappointments in business or 
friendship, from sickness, or from what is far worse than these, 
a wounded spirit : from violent suggestions and temptations of 
Satan, or from inward corruptions, as the Psalmist cries, ' Mine 
iniquities have gone over mine head ; as a heavy burden they 
are too heavy for me.' 

" Man is born to trouble. There is either a wave over your 
head, or there is one coming. Where then is your resource ? 
Is it the same as David's ? Is your prayer like his, ' Lead me 
to the Rock that is higher than I V 

" Every idea that conveys comfort and hope, is selected in the 
Bible to hold forth the character of the Redeemer. Isa. xxxii. 
2. Heb. vii. 25. 

" The Psalmist prays, ' Lead me to the Rock,' as if he had said, 
I cannot place myself upon it ; put me, as thou didst Moses, in 
the cleft of the rock. 

"A shipwrecked mariner, in the midst of his distress and danger, 
may see a rock very near, which if he could get upon it, would 
save him from the billows — but he cannot reach it. No more 
can the Christian ; therefore he prays, ' Lead me to the Rock ;' 
thou canst place me upon it, though ever so high ; and when I 
have attained to it, I shall be lifted above all mine enemies ; 
they cannot reach to hurt me. 

" God takes various methods to lead us to this Rock. He 
is a God of order, and therefore makes use of means. He 
sends his Holy Spirit to teach a man what he is by na- 
ture, a poor, fallen, guilty creature, having no hope but in 
Christ. God draws the heart to himself by giving an experi- 
mental taste of his goodness. ' Come, taste and see, how gra- 
cious the Lord is.' 

" But the Christian sometimes forgets his Rock. He leaves 



96 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

the fountain of living waters, and goes to some creature cistern ; 
then God makes it an empty one. Hosea, ii. 8, 9. 

" What man cannot teach, God can ; and that perhaps se- 
verely in the dispensation, but most mercifully in the end. 
Something more is necessary than merely the discovery of the 
rock, namely, the school of instruction, whereby we are led to 
it. All the children of God are more or less brought through 
the valley of humiliation, and are taught to cry, ' Hear my 
prayer, O God ; from the end of the earth will I cry unto thee. 
Affliction is sent to humble the heart of the sinner ; to make 
him teachable ; to make him listen to that God who says, 
'Take my yoke upon you.' Human nature, if left to itself, 
would, instead of wearing this yoke, trample upon it ; as soon 
would the wild ass's colt submit to the reins. But God knows 
how to break the stoutest heart ; to subdue the most stubborn 
will ; to make the most rebellious wear this yoke, not only with 
quietness, but comfort. 

" We may congratulate the man with whom God will con- 
tend ; who is not left to himself like a child without education ; 
whom he thus overwhelms to save ; whom he teaches to say, 
' It is good for me that I have been afflicted.' Not that afflic- 
tion, however severe, will do of itself. Cain said, ' my punish- 
ment is greater than I can bear,' but his heart was not softened. 
Pharaoh hardened his heart under all the dreadful judgments 
with which he was visited. Afflictions must be sanctified ; then 
its design will be answered. This it was that made Ephraim, 
who at first was ' like a bullock unaccustomed to the yoke,' to 
1 smite upon his thigh.' Jer. xxxi. 1 9. Then it is we are taught 
to fly to the Rock of ages. 

" But God not only leads by painful instruction, but by gra- 
cious influences, 'Turn ye to the strong hold, ye prisoners of hope.' 

" Instead of trouble leading us from God with murmuring, it 
should lead us to God for mercy. Prayer may be offered in the 
loudest storm. 

" Times of affliction are often times of rich sentiment. Our 
views of eternal things are enlarged, our value of them height- 
ened, our desires quickened, our resolutions strengthened. The 
world appears in its true color, temporal concerns become less 
interesting, and all our desire is after God. 

" We should take encouragement from our past deliverances, 
to trust God with all that is to come. David says, 'I will 
abide in thy tabernacle forever ; I will trust in the covert of 
thy wings.' " 

" Grant, O Lord, that I may be enabled, by faith, to cling 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 97 

more and more to that blessed, pierced hand, which is stretched 
forth to draw me out of soul-troubled waters ; and by it climb 
to the Rock that is higher than I. May I, by dwelling on this 
Rock, have some sweet serenity, and gleams of cheering sun- 
shine, while clouds and tempests are gathering beneath." 

The anxiety which Mrs. Hawkes had lately experienced, was 
followed by considerable exhaustion, and temporary confinement 
to a sick chamber. The memorandum which occurs next in 
order (in which she adopts a sentiment from Bishop Hall), be- 
sides an indication of mental languor, contains also a trait of 
Mrs. H.'s character, which must not be passed over in silence, 
namely, her eminent sincerity. Even in an unconverted state, 
this quality procured to her general esteem. But when it be- 
came a sanctified principle, it shone forth with peculiar lustre. 
From the beginning of her course to the end, her conversation 
was marked by "simplicity and godly sincerity." 2 Cor. i. 12. 

Wednesday, June 18, 1794. — "Not so comfortable in mind 
this day as I could wish. One has said, it is good to inure the 
mouth to speaking well ; for good speech is very often drawn 
into the affections. But I would fear, that speaking well, with- 
out feeling, were the next way to procure an habitual hypoc- 
risy. Let my good words follow good affections, and not go 
before them." 

Thursday. — " First week of hay-making. How sweet the 
sight from the windows of my secret chamber, where I am this 
day a prisoner, from illness. Yet though here solitary and un- 
supported, and oppressed by sorrows unknown and undivided, 
I am not without joyful expectation. There is one friend who 
loveth at all times : ' A brother born for adversity.' The help 
of the helpless ; the hope of the hopeless ; the health of the 
sick ; the strength of the weak ; the riches of the poor ; the 
peace of the disquieted ; the companion of the desolate ; tne 
friend of the friendless. To Him alone will I call ; and He 
will raise me above my fears." 

Saturday. — ■" This week seems to have been lost through 
weakness of body and stupidity of mind. Truly may I say 
with the Psalmist, ' I am a worm and no man :' how soon am 
I pushed down, and my wings clipped. Yet to-day, my spirit 
has been refreshed by a visit from my revered minister, bring- 
ing glad tidings. Let me record, for future use, what my 
memory can recall of his invigorating remarks. 

" Mr. C. observed, 

" ' We stand every day in need of re-enforcements in order to 
meet every day's exigencies. Danger starts up from every 
quarter ; and, therefore, a true Christian will endeavor to be 



98 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

found watching. "When he considers Samson, David, Peter, 
&c, he will say, ' Lord, help me to watch and pray.' Such a 
man is not only a servant, but a son. He does not wish to 
separate the work of Christ from the mind of Christ ; he rejoices 
in both. 

" ' AChristian should be always on his watch-tower ; that is, 
he should live in a state of habit and recollection, by which 
he would be better prepared to encounter whatever trials might 
come upon him ; whereas if we are off our guard, afflictions 
wear the aspect of judgments.'" 

Quest. — " How far to yield to our bodily infirmities ?" 

Ans. — " ' It is of vast importance to know how far to yield 
to our infirmities ; and how to improve them without fainting 
under their burden. 

" ' Thus, if a man becomes blind, he must do what he can, 
he must now turn a wheel. 

" ' It is of importance for a man to be shown to himself in 
every point of view. 

" ' Jacob's thigh must halt — 

" ' Cure of presumption, &c. 

" ' Infirmity shows us the folly of our schemes, though we 
might have thought them essential. 

" ' God has a scheme — 

" ' We often play with our remedies, and speculate upon 
them ; affliction makes us take them. Thus our Bible lies on 
the shelf; affliction makes us take it down. 

" ' Infirmities make us feel for others ; besides, the top is 
only kept going while it is whipped? " 

" One present said, ' I cannot come up to such and such 
views.' Mr. C. replied, 

" ' It is not coming up, but coming down, that we want. 

" ' We should learn to rejoice in infirmities. Affliction is the 
post of honor ; we should have a confidential reliance in the 
Divine sufficiency to remove all impossibilities. By our bodily 
infirmities and loss of faculties we are reminded of the neces- 
sity of redeeming the time ; and of making use of our faculties 
while we have them : we are also taught, by the loss of them, 
that death is hastening on ; and that he has already taken an 
earnest, and will soon call for the rest.' " 

The foregoing remarks seem to have been put down by Mrs. 
Hawkes as memoranda, to recall to her mind the topics of a 
conversation which had interested her. In the present form, 
they are very elliptical ; yet to those acquainted with Mr. Ce- 
cil's train of thought, and manner of expression, they may 
suggest some useful hints. Her diary next presents an exper- 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1T90 TO 1796. 99 

imeutal view of the importance of close communion with the 
Saviour. 

July 26. — '"Abide in me.' Conscience tells me that some 
of ray late trials have arisen from not sufficiently attending to 
these words of my adorable Master : ' The branch cannot bear 
fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine.' This day has closed 
in deep anguish of spirit, so that my eyes run down with tears. 
' Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray and cry 
aloud ; and he shall hear my voice.' ' For thy Maker is thine 
Husband ; the Lord of Hosts is his name.' " 

Sunday, 27.—" Heard Mr. C. from Matt. xiv. 28. ' And 
Peter answered him and said, Lord ! if it be thou, bid me come 
unto thee on the water.' 

" * The approach of Christ, not only in his providential, but 
even in his gracious visitations, is sometimes alarming. We 
often fear when some great good awaits us. 

" ' True faith, and true love to Christ, will enable the believer 
to encounter all difficulties. 

" ' An ardent work requires both a single and a fixed eye. 
Peter's eye was single, but it began to wander ; and then he 
began to sink. If we are able in all circumstances to fix our 
eye on Christ, all is well. But if we incline to means and crea- 
tures, we lose our strength and stability. 

" ' While our blessed Lord's command is our warrant in pur- 
suing, so his friendship is our security. 

" * We must not attempt to move without a call : the most 
zealous Christian must wait for his order ; and then he may 
safely trust himself in the midst of all danger. But we are in 
general too much disposed to stand still when God bids us go 
forward ; and to be in too great haste to go forward when God 
bids us be still. 

'"It is in trying paths and transactions, that the strength of the 
believer is increased ; and Christ glorified. He is the wise man 
that knows what to do in difficulties like Peter, "Save, Master 1" 

" ' Our fears occupy more than our lives ; and they are only 
to be banished by fixing the eye of faith upon an Almighty 
Friend. The substance of the Bible is, to turn a sinner's eye 
to the Saviour.' " 

Tuesday, Sept. 16, 1794. — "Mr. Hawkes and myself, with 
our revered minister, set off for Birmingham. We esteem his 
accompanying us a great condescension, and as conferring 
upon us a high honor and privilege. Lord, enable us to im- 
prove it ! To have the society and conversation of so wise a 
man, and so godly a minister, for some continuance, is a talent 
committed to us which ought to gain ten talents. 



100 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" My prayer for many weeks concerning this journey, lias 
been, ' If thy presence go not with us, carry us not up hence.' " 

Sunday, Sept. 21. — "Went with Mr. Hawkes, and my dear 
sister Jones, to St. Mary's Church. Mr. C. preached from 
Luke, xi. 2. ' Thy kingdom come.' 

" ' When the kingdom of Christ comes into the heart, it 
makes all other things fade away, and become as nothing worth. 

" ' It is one thing to pray in a cold formal manner that the 
kingdom of Christ may come, and another thing to say with 
all the heart, Let it come whatever I suffer — whatever I may 
lose — however I may be persecuted or hated. 

" ' Not the prayers only, but the whole life of a Christian is 
one loud proclamation, ' Let thy kingdom come, — let it proceed 
— let it overcome — let it run and be glorified.' The whole life 
of Christ was one continued expression of the same desire : Let 
me lay aside my glory, let me expire on the cross, — So ' Thy 
kingdom come.' And the martyrs who in every age have suf- 
fered in the cause of God, all cried out by their blood, ' Thy 
kingdom come.' 

Wednesday, Sept. 24. — Mr. C. preached at St. Mary's, from 
Ps. lxxiii. 16, 17. 'When I thought to know this, it was too 
painful for me, until I went into the sanctuary of God, then 
understood I their end.' 

" ' A Christian is distinguished from other men, inasmuch as 
he lives under a divine influence. He is a traveller on a jour- 
ney, and like all other travellers, he makes observations, that is, 
sj)iritual memoirs, as he passes along. See Deut. viii. 2. 

" ' The sanctuary of God to the spiritual man is the porch of 
the eternal world — the very confines of heaven. It is here he 
receives the enlivening rays of the Sun of Righteousness ; and 
he is as sure that it imparts light and heat and growth to his 
soul, as the natural sun does to the earth. It is here he meets 
Christ himself, and ' sits down under his shadow with great 
delight.' It is here the enchantment of the world is broken. 
The light of the sanctuary is a glorious light. 

" ' Some objects can only be properly viewed in certain places 
and situations. There is a certain point, (as the artists express 
it,) where things may be best seen. If we would have a true 
view of spiritual objects, we must view them in the sanctuary. 
Whatever things appear to be in the sanctuary, that they are 
really. It is there the royal balance is kept, and the true 
touchstone is to be found. It is there we must weigh our pres- 
ent pursuits, and our beloved idols, if we would know their 
value and their vanity. 

" ' When we are in the bustle of the world, the awful judg- 



CIIAF. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1*796. 101 

ments of God are heard without attention : but when we are 
led into the sanctuary, and there hear His ' still small voice,' 
explaining his judgments, then His voice is heard to purpose, 
' Then understood I their end, how thou didst set them in slip- 
pery places.' 

" ' How is it that men pursue human science ? they retire 
from noise and whatever would distract their attention. Reli- 
gion is a holy science, which deserves and calls for all our la- 
bor and assiduity ; and if we find it ' painful,' it is because of 
our ignorance and infirmity ; and because we have not learned 
the first rudiments. But there is no cause for discouragement ; 
God offers us his Holy Spirit ; offers us his help to enable us 
both to learn and understand the lessons of his sanctuary. 

" ' The true Christian wants no new thing : but he wants in 
his heart and mind to comprehend the love of God. He wants 
to have the influence of the world lessened, and the things of 
eternity brought forward. 

" ' Where is the man who is not perpetually inclined to judge 
by appearances? 'I saw the ungodly in such prosperity.' 
Elijah must be led into the Mount, (see 1 Kings, xix.) and the 
Psalmist into the sanctuary, to understand what they met with 
in the world. 

" ' It is one use of the ordinances of God to assist the spiritual 
worshipper to discern all things aright ; to rectify the mind ; 
and when the heart would ask, ' Is not this desirable V a man 
must go into the sanctuary before he makes an answer, or else 
he will answer like a fool. l So foolish was I, and ignorant I 
was as a beast before thee.' 

" ' A man may feel as a philosopher, the vanity of passing 
things ; but they never appear so strongly as when contrasted 
with spiritual : nor will he ever give them up with all his 
heart, and wander about ' in sheep-skins and goat-skins ; be- 
ing destitute, afflicted, tormented ;' till he enters into the sanc- 
tuary, and sees the King in his beauty. Then his idols will 
be given to the moles and the bats ; for he has beheld a light 
which has outshone all others ; and his cry is, ' God, thou art 
my God, early will I seek thee. My soul thirsteth for thee, to see 
thy power and glory, so as I have seen thee in the sanctuary.' 

" ' If we have seen anything in the glory and beauty of Christ 
in the present sanctuary, and are thirsting for a more full dis- 
covery, let us take it as a sure earnest of obtaining it : for God 
never raises expectations to disappoint them. Our care should 
be to keep close to God, and to pray that he would keep fresh 
upon our minds the views of the eternal world. Let us look 
forward to the end of our journey : we are travellers, and can- 



102 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

not expect to have all sunshine, or that our way should be 
strewed with flowers. But, as the traveller who is longing to 
get to his home, puts up with the inconveniences of the way, — 
knowing that he is only passing along, so should a Christian 
be undismayed by difficulties, knowing he shall shortly be 
through them. 

" ' The Bible and the Ordinances are refreshments by the 
way ; in the use of which, God will strengthen and comfort 
us.' 

" My mind has been deeply affected this day. Blessed be 
God, the word preached has been attended with power. O 
that it may sink deep into my heart ! I much want close soul- 
searching truths, and a deeper solemnity of spirit. I have lived 
too much out of myself, and not sufficiently marked the inward 
motions. I seem only to be swimming upon the surface of re- 
ligion ; but I would fain dive into its depths. I have stood too 
much in the outward courts. Lord, give me more abundant 
entrance into the Holy of Holies, through the blood of Jesus. 
Let no cloud intercept the rays of the Sun of Righteousness. 
Let my heart be a tablet for the ringer of the Holy Spirit to 
write upon ; make me ever prompt and ready for thy service ; 
make me quick to hear thy voice, so as to obey, and may all 
my affections and actions be at unity. -Make me to have a zeal 
and concern for thy glory ; and may my heart shrink at the 
slightest approach of sin. May I be enabled to w T eigh every- 
thing in the balance of the sanctuary." 

Saturday, Sept. 27. — "To-day, our honored minister, Mrs. 
Jones, and myself, drove to Dudley. May this dark and bar- 
ren town listen to, and receive the word of salvation which will 
be so faithfully preached to-morrow. I have many anxieties 
on my mind ? but the Lord is my God, and why should I be 
afraid ; he can make crooked things straight." 

Sunday, 28. — " Mr. C. preached at the Old Church in the 
morning, from Mark, viii. 36. 'For what shall it profit a man, 
if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul ? Or 
what shall a man give in exchange for his soul V A solemn and 
awakening discourse, suited to the place and people. Mr. C. re- 
marked, — 

" ' The soul is the master-piece of God's works ; and its value 
may be best estimated by the price paid to redeem it ; infinite 
prospects are set before it — ' What then shall it profit a man if 
he gain the whole world, and lose his own soul V 

" ' The folly of a man does not consist in any particular er- 
rors of sentiment or doctrine ; he mistakes at the very threshold ; 
he is placing the world before heaven ; time before eternity ; 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 179G. 103 

neglects his soul for worldly possessions ; pulls clown his barns ' 
and builds greater, forgetting that his soul is required of him. 

" ' If any one were to put a piece of money into the hand of 
a poor creature drowning, would it not be a mockery and a cru- 
elty ? Would he not lift his dying eyes and say, Give me a 
hand, and lift me out of this state of danger ; but as to giving 
me money, it is only to mock my misery. 

" ' The danger of losing the soul is very extensive : men 
place themselves in such situations as daily expose them to such 
a loss.' 

" In the afternoon Mr. C. preached at the New Church, on 
the conversion of Lydia; from Acts xvi. 13 — 15. The follow- 
ing are some of his remarks on the passage : — 

"'The transactions that are carried between heaven and 
earth make no figure in history ; what passes in the cabinet 
draws universal attention, and makes no small noise in the 
world ; but what God is doing is unnoticed and disregarded. 

" ' The heart being opened, is spoken of as an extraordinary 
case. The heart of man is not always shut against sober ad- 
vice — against moral doctrine — against outward decency — or 
against the fashions, customs, and pleasures of the world : but 
the Bible informs us, that it is shut against God and his Gos- 
pel. ' The god of this world hath blinded the eyes of them 
which believe not, lest the light of the glorious Gospel of Christ, 
who is the image of God, should shine upon them.' The heart 
of the natural man is shut up in unbelief — blinded by preju- 
dice — deadened by carelessness — and chained by pleasure ; and 
the opening, softening, and enlightening of such a heart, is the 
great promise made to us in the Scriptures. See Deut. xxx. 6, 
and Ezek. xi. 19. Lydia was a conscientious character before 
she was a converted one. She observed the Sabbath ; she used 
the means of grace ; she knew that she was responsible ; and 
she determines to join herself to a few mean despised people by 
the river-side, declaring thereby, however against the public 
custom it might be, she would serve the Lord ; and from a con- 
scientious character, she became a converted one ; so true it is, 
that ' If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doc- 
trine.' 

"Lydia was not only a converted hearer, but an exemplary 
professor. She not only received the Gospel of Christ, but she 
adorned it in all things. " She attended to the things that were 
spoken of Paul." She found the subject grand, worthy all her 
attention ; she laid up in her heart the truths he proclaimed ; 
and what those truths were, may be gathered from his Epistles. 
She feels their excellency, and remains fixed and penetrated with 



104 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

them : she set her public seal to them by being baptized into 
the same faith, and was obedient thereto. 

" 'Every man should take heed and look within. He should 
hear what his conscience says, on the great matter of religion, 
and follow it. No man trifles with his conscience but, sooner 
or later, it will be revenged of him. 

" ' We should learn to look upward to God that opens the 
heart. * He openeth and no man shutteth.' It is more easy 
to convince man of his wants than of his remedy. Many feel 
the miseries sin has brought upon them ; but how few flee for 
refuge to the only hope set before them ! 

" ' The conversion of the soul to God is only one continued 
proof to us that he is still working by his Spirit now as really 
as in the apostles' days. And it farther shows that true reli- 
gion is the same to the end of the world ; that Christ is the 
same yesterday, to-day, and forever ; that He is risen from the 
dead, and that mighty things are done through his name. 

" ' Did Christians live more in the practice of ' Looking to 
Jesus ;' they would see ' Satan falling as lightning from heaven.' 
Jesus Christ has ' the keys of the house of David.' 

" ' If the Lord has opened our hearts, it is that we should 
show forth his praise. See Luke, viii. He whose name was 
Legion, after he had been healed, besought Jesus that he might 
be with him. But Jesus sent him away, saying, ' Return to 
thine house, and show what great things the Lord hath done 
unto thee.' Go and be a monument of the grace of God, and 
live to the glory of God. 

" ' We should look round for such witnesses ; and also con- 
sider who is looking round upon us. It is not worth while to 
inquire what ignorant, malicious people may have to say of us 
while we are serving the Lord : but to serious inquirers, we 
should be careful to show our faith, our love, our obedience.' 

" In the evening we remained at home ; the family assem- 
bled, and Mr. C. expounded the 25th chapter of St. Matthew." 
Friday, Oct. 3. — " Spent the day at Sutton, at the Rev. Mr. 
Riland's. Much benefited and delighted by the heavenly con- 
versation of the venerable Mr. Newton. He read and com- 
mented on a passage in the New Testament. He remarked, 
" ' There are proper seasons when, like David, we may say to 
those who fear God, ' Come, and I will tell you what he hath 
done for my soul :' but we should be wise and prudent in these 
things. When our Lord was in the Mount with his disciples, 
he charged them, when they came down, to ' tell no man.' 
It might have excited envy in the rest of the disciples, and 
pride in them. The apostle Paul had astonishing visions : but 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO lY06. 105 

not a word did he speak, till fourteen years after, when the Co- 
rinthians undervalued him, and obliged him to speak of them : 
He says much to prove that he did it, even then, with reluc- 
tance. We should therefore be cautious, when we think that 
God has dealt with us in an extraordinary manner, how we 
speak. ' Elizabeth hid herself five months ;' that is, retired, 
which was a token of humility ; yet the favor she had received 
was sufficiently known, in proper time, to the glory of God. 
Present impressions of divine love are certainly humbling. But 
the direct tendency of gracious consolations in themselves is one 
thing ; what evils they may afterwards occasion in the heart, 
is another. The apostle's exultation to the third heavens could 
surely have no tendency to make him proud ; but rather to 
make him walk in greater self-abasement. Yet he needed a 
thorn in the flesh. Pride is so subtle, that it can gather 
strength even from those gracious manifestations which seem 
directly calculated to mortify it. 1 

"Another remark made by Mr. Newton was: — 'Satan is 
fertile in expedients ; and as often as our situations and circum- 
stances change, so often will he change his stratagems and 
methods of assault. Thus the Christian has the art of war to 
learn over and over again ; and he will meet with cases in 
which all his former experiences will leave him much at a loss.' " 

Saturday. — " Among other subjects, Mr. C. spoke upon the 
obscurity of Heb. iv. He remarked — 

" ' The Apostle is laboring, throughout the whole Epistle to 
the Hebrews, to bring off the Jews from carnal to spiritual 
views. He here speaks of three sorts of rest. One, which 
commenced on the finishing of the works of creation, called the 
sabbatical rest, verses 3, 4. Another, which was proposed to 
Israel in the wilderness, to be enjoyed in the land of Canaan, 
verse 5. And a third, which, after both those rests, was to be 
enjoyed in the gospel state, and heavenly world, verses 6 to 
11. By comparing what the Scripture says of all these rests, 
it appears, that the rest which believers obtain here through 
faith, is the earnest of a future, glorious, and eternal rest in 
heaven.' " 

" On another occasion Mr. C. said — 

" l When the multitude followed our Lord, although he 
wished for retirement, and had gone purposely to seek it, yet 
upon their desire for instruction, he gave up his purpose and 
attended to them. Let us reflect on the sweetness and conde- 
scension of such a conduct, in opposition to a sour, monastic, 
morose professor. We are all too fond of our own will. We 
want to be doing what we fancy to be great things. But the 

5* 



106 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

matter is, to do small tilings in a right spirit. Let us see every- 
thing that passes as coming from God.' " 

Wednesday, Oct. 8. — " Went to West Bromwich to visit 
that aged Christian minister, the Rev. Mr. Jesse. 

"In the evening he spoke upon Isaiah, xl. 31. "But they 
that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength ; they shall 
mount up with wings as eagles ; they shall run and not be 
weary ; and they shall walk and not faint.' 

"Mr. Jesse remarked, 'It is this gracious influence, which 
renews, in my old age, much of that holy zeal and fervor, which 
directed my steps when I first walked with God in the days of 
my youth. In this sense, I may say, he maketh me young and 
lusty as eagles ; who in old age cast their feathers, and become 
bald like young ones ; and then new feathers grow, and cover 
them with plumage, as in their youth ; then they spread their 
wings, and mount up on high ; and are so strong in their sight, 
that they can fix their eyes on the full splendor of the sun. 

" * Thus sincere Christians, who once were bowed down with 
earthly desires and cares, oppressed with unbelief, and doubts, 
and fears, renew their strength and hope in God. In old age 
their souls are vigorous, and their affections mount upward to 
things above ; they fix their believing eye on Christ, and con- 
template the glory of the Sun of Righteousness.' " 

Sunday, Oct. 12. — "Mr. C. preached at West Bromwich, 
from John, vi. 68. 'Lord, to whom shall we go ? thou hast the 
words of eternal life.' 

" Afternoon, from Psa. cxlix. 4. — ' Thou shalt beautify the 
meek with salvation.' " 

Wednesday, Oct. 15. — "Returned to Birmingham. In the 
evening Mr. C. preached at St. Mary's, from Psa. lxxxv. 6. 
1 Wilt thou not revive us again, that thy people may rejoice 
in thee?' 

" ' A spiritual revival will be the object and prayer of every 
gracious man's heart, under a sense of spiritual decay. 

" ' A true Christian, under a sense of spiritual decay, will not 
be running to the creature for happiness. He knows that all 
his fresh-springs are in God. ' I will pour water upon him that 
is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground,' Isa. xliv. 3 ; and 
this water is conveyed through the golden pipes of the ordi- 
nances, and frequently through afflictions and trials. 

" There is a continual propensity in us to turn away from 
God. When there begins to be a revival, there will be a turn- 
ing to God. Then a man begins to find out idols he did not 
before observe ; and sees what it is that secretly steals his heart 
and affections from God. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1V96. 10Y 

" ' People in general are apt to affix gross ideas to idolatry. 
If a man goes to China, he is astonished at the horrid and ab- 
surd things that are the objects of their worship ; he is not 
aware that his own idol is his cargo ; — but when God speaks 
to the heart and conscience, he must be heard ; and he says 
to the merchant, to the miser, to the man of pleasure, and of 
business too, 'you are turning from the fountain of living wa- 
ters, to broken cisterns, that can hold no water.' 

" ' Another sign of revival of religion in the heart is, when, 
like Abraham, we not only follow God ourselves, but endeavor 
to command our household after us. When, like David, we 
are earnestly desirous to walk before them with a perfect heart. 
For a man to talk of a revival because he has had some sudden 
impression, some extraordinary vision, — who yet does not 
evince it by his life and conversation, — is to prove himself 
deceived. 

" ' A true revival is a divine operation, and will produce a true 
fruit. There will be a heavenly taste, a hungering and thirst- 
ing after righteousness. 

" ' The ground on which the Psalmist urges this revival is, to 
obtain the end of all spiritual life, true joy and peace. Wilt 
thou not revive us again, that thy people may rejoice in thee ? 

" 'It is a matter of experience, that when idolatry, unbelief, 
or sin of any kind enters the soul, we find our hearts sink, and 
sensual objects soon draw off the mind from God ; spiritual ob- 
jects become strange and irksome ; we try to feed upon husks, 
as we formerly did upon the bread of life ; but if Christ has de- 
signs of mercy, — if he seek his lost sheep, — our cry will be, 
' Oh that it was with me as heretofore ! oh that thou wouldst 
revive me again.' The restless, comfortless state of a backslider 
may distinguish him from an apostate. 

" ' If there is life in the soul, there will be a holy wrestling 
with God ; the language of such a heart will be, — ' I will not 
let thee go, except thou bless me ;' I dare not let thee go ; if I 
can do nothing but mourn, I will mourn till thou comfort me. 
Such a secret struggle, is a more noble sight before God and 
angels, than all that has ever been celebrated among men. 

" ' A Christian should learn the necessity of abounding in duty, 
as well as that he should desire holy comfort. Like Habakkuk 
he should say, ' I will stand upon my watch, and set me upon 
the tower, and will watch to see what He will say unto me, 
and what I shall anwer when I am reproved.' 

" ' In dry seasons, we should pray for spiritual showers ; and 
we should try to discover what keeps back those showers. If, 
like Achan, we have secreted the accursed thing, it must be 



108 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

searched out ; and we should say, * If I have not grace to pluck 
out a right eye, Lord, pluck it out for me.' Satan will tell 
us there is no danger of perishing for want of rain ; that if we 
hold the truth, there is no danger of decay. But what will the 
form of godliness avail without the "power ? Let us therefore 
plead with God for reviving grace ; and let us remember that 
the ordinance we have had to-day, will not serve for to-mor- 
row ; we must have fresh supplies of the living bread, or our 
souls will assuredly droop and wither. 

" ' We should honor God in believing, that while we are 
praying for a revival, he will send it in all cases. O that we 
hacl faith to behold Christ standing with the keys of death and 
hell, ready not only to put a stop to the water floods of sin 
and wickedness, but also to ' revive the heart of the contrite 
ones.' 

" ' That my people may rejoice in thee.' ' He that says re- 
ligion is a dull and gloomy thing, is a stranger to it ; for it is a 
scheme of unbounded joy and happiness. There is a defect in 
all other joy, in that it has an end ; but the Christian's joy 
shall be heightened to all eternity.' " 

Mrs. Hawkes records the texts of several other sermons 
preached at Birmingham by Mr. Cecil. His last sermon be- 
fore leaving that town, was preached on "Wednesday, October 
22, from Acts, viii. 39 : — ' And he went on his way rejoicing ;' — 
a discourse which excited much interest at the time, and which 
still lives in the memories of many who heard it. 

Passing over the remaining memoranda in Mrs. Hawkes' 
diary, we come at once to that with which she closes the year 
1794. 

Holloway, Dec. 31, 1*794. — "The Lord mercifully allows 
me to close this year in much peace. Were I to recount all 
the mercies and benefits I have received this year, or to enu- 
merate the sins and follies which I have committed against his 
great goodness, it would fill a volume. The Lord has dealt 
bountifully with me ; but I have dealt shamefully with him. 
Among the blackest of my transgressions is ingratitude for in- 
numerable mercies. Oh, how great is his goodness, and his 
mercies past finding out. I would desire, O Lord, to close 
this year with thee. I magnify thy past goodness, and I be- 
wail my past transgressions. I adore thy long-suffering grace, 
and I abhor my vile ingratitude. Oh let this rolling year bear 
away all my follies, and let them be blotted out of thy remem- 
brance forever ! I come now to seek a fresh application of 
' the blood of sprinkling,' that no spot may remain upon my 
soul, but that I may stand accepted in thy sight, through Jesus 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 109 

Christ my great advocate. I have no other hope ; nor need I 
any other, this being sure and steadfast, — ' the blood of Jesus 
Christ cleanseth from all sin.' Therefore I can lie down this 
night in peace, even while deeply sensible of innumerable faults 
and transgressions. But speak it again, O Holy Spirit, to my 
heart and conscience, ' The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth 
from all sin.' Amen, Amen." 

Jan. 1, 1795. — "I have been occupied this morning in re- 
flections upon the new year. I look back on the past with 
pain, on account of my ingratitude ; and can do little more 
than groan or weep, and repeat, ' God be merciful to me a sin- 
ner.' When I review the years of my past life, I see every 
leaf not only blotted, but one whole stain. I should have 
no hope but for the sacrifice of my great High Priest, whose 
blood cleanseth from all sin. He alone, who ' came by water 
and by blood,' can atone for my daily infirmities. In this I 
have strong consolation : and when faith is in lively exercise, 
though the road be ever so rough, I can say, ' None of these 
things move me ;' my Saviour has charged me to leave all 
events to him, and has said, ' Take no thought of the morrow.' 
He graciously gives me, even in this world, a portion of rest 
by faith, by which I am enabled to enter upon some foretastes 
of future glory. And now T , Lord, I desire to give myself up 
into thy good hands this new year. ' My soul hangeth upon 
thee.' ' Thy mercy, O Lord, endureth forever, forsake not the 
work of thine own hands.' " 

Sunday, Jan. 4. — "Heard Mr. C. on Ps. xxxix. 12, 13. — 
'lama stranger with thee, and a sojourner, as all my fathers 
were. O spare me, that I may recover strength, before I go 
hence, and be no more.' 

1. "'Let us take the text as a form of prayer for the new 
year; and, like the Psalmist, review our past transgressions. 
' Deliver me from all my transgressions.' However a gay and 
a giddy world may try to banish thought, let us be wise, and 
set ourselves seriously to think. 

'"lama stranger and a sojourner ; not acquainted with 
my best friend ; I have whereon to lean ; I can rest on a cove- 
nant God in Christ, who is able to bring me to a ' city which 
hath foundations.' If God takes us into his school, He will 
teach us to cultivate consideration. He will teach us to form 
a right estimate of human life. He will make us feel we are 
strangers and sojourners upon earth. 

" ' We say, here is a new year : so our forefathers said year 
after year. And where are they ? — where we shortly shall fol- 
low them. But, while the fact is undeniable, how do we im- 



110 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

prove it ? Is our conversation, our citizenship, in heaven ? Are 
we dying daily ? Are we securing the riches of immortality ? 
Are we redeeming the time ? 

2. " ' Consider what is the refuge of a dying creature ; — 
bowing down before the throne of grace. 

" ' Spare me, that I may recover strength.' This is a common 
cry on a sick-bed — Oh that I could live a little longer to amend 
my life ! But, without grace, a man soon forgets his sick-bed 
cries and resolutions. The strength which the Psalmist prays 
for is spiritual. (See Col. i. 10, 11.) He wanted to obtain a 
more confortable evidence of God's favor, and to be enabled to 
live more to his glory. 

" ' Spiritual strength can only be recovered by fresh applica- 
tion to the living fountain. Keep on your minds the necessity 
of applying for strength to go through the new year as becometh 
Christians. Before another new year's day, we may be dead. 
The next stage will be all-amazing and eternal : let us, therefore, 
' work out our salvation with fear and trembling.' 

" ' Oh that all who have had recourse to desperate methods, 
(and all wrong methods are desperate,) would recollect that 
the deepest afflictions are God's school for leading us to heart 
prayer. Whoever can cry, like David, ' Hide not thy face 
from me,' shall never be without a friend. 

" ' Is there any man who desires to learn what God is ? Let 
him come, like David, as a lost creature — as broken-hearted— 
as a criminal — acknowledging, ' I have sinned,' I have wasted 
my talents, ' O spare me.' 

" ' How justly may we take up this language, on a review of 
the past year. How have we wasted our time, and perverted 
our talents; how anxious have we been about trifles! Were 
our cares and anxieties, through the past year, to be written in 
a book, how should we blush to read them ! 

" ' spare me.' — If thou art not my friend, I have no friend. 
I am not only a stranger, but Thy stranger ; on my way to 
Thee. There are many who are strangers to God : but they 
cannot say, ' I am a stranger with thee." 

" ' Let us learn to bow down before God. If ever we rise to 
Him, we must first be brought down in heart. Let us this 
day approach with humility the table of the Lord. While 
pride and ignorance are in the world, there will ever be a dis- 
pute whether we shall go to the Lord's table like the Pharisee 
or the Publican.' " 

Mrs. Hawkes had scarcely entered upon the year 1795, when 
it pleased God to visit her with an attack of illness, by which 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. Ill 

she was confined nearly two months. Her diary through this 
year and the next year, (which was her last at Holloway,) is 
scanty, and mostly written in obscure short hand. The pages 
are chiefly filled with extracts from Mr. Cecil's sermons. The 
spirit of humility and self-abasement which is breathed in the 
few memorandums which are legible, evince the progress of a 
deep work of grace in her heart. Discoveries of the Divine 
glory had produced the same effects upon her mind as upon 
the saints of old ; and with Job she cried out, " I am vile," — 
with Isaiah, " Woe is me, for I am undone ; because I am a 
man of unclean lips ; for mine eyes have seen the King, the 
Lord of Hosts." Isaiah, vi. 5. This deep contrition is mani- 
fested by the next extract, and in the letter which follows it. 

Feb. 1795. — " I find it a solemn and awful thing to be a 
Christian. It is indeed a holy calling. God will at times 
cause his candle to emit a clearer light in the dark recesses of 
the heart ; and there discover, and drag out, every lurking and 
retiring evil, nor will he suffer any plea, though we may say, — 
' Is it not a little one V 

" The secret business between the soul and God, when He 
shows himself as a holy and jealous God, can never be de- 
scribed by language. It is no light matter when he calls the 
understanding, the will, and the affections, each to bring their 
favorite objects, and deliver them up to the fire that must 
either purify or consume : but this he will do to every one that 
He hath formed for himself. 'Every branch that beareth 
fruit, he purgeth it, that it may bring forth more fruit.' 

" Young Christians know little of that requirement : ' My 
son give me thine heart' I have long desired to give mine ; 
but grace alone can enable me. let the sacred fire consume 
every corruption which keeps it back ; but, O support, while 
thou purifiest ! If I am called to be a living martyr, (as most 
truly I am,) bestow the martyr's faith. Let me have commu- 
nion with thee, and then I shall have society enough. If this 
sickness be not unto death, O let it be that thy Son may be 
glorified ; and let me come out of it as gold purified in the 
fire !" 

In a letter to Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Hawkes writes : — 

" I have had much inward conflict lately, so as to know em- 
phatically what it was to ' groan being burdened :' and I felt, 
as I always do at such times, that I could gain relief from no 
quarter till I had been enabled to bow my spirit before God in 
secret. I have often such a depth of abasement, such a pour- 
ing out of my soul, and hiding my face in the earth, as I can 
in no way describe, — but which I feel truly salutary in its ef- 



112 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

fects. Some of my ties to earth seem loosened. Oh that I 
might sit loose to all but God ! 

" I stand amazed at the loving-kindness of the Lord in such 
a merciful alleviation of suffering. In some fainting moments 
I have said, — O Father of mercies, do not crush a worm : 
spare ' a leaf driven to and fro.' But now, for the most part, 
he enables me to commit myself into his tender hands, as the 
infant is committed to the mother. 

" When I would speak of the Lord's manifold goodness to 
me, I know not where to begin, nor where to end. There is 
no telling of his mercies ; they will furnish a theme to last 
through all eternity : for we shall then see how they were in- 
cluded and interwoven in the ' everlasting covenant, ordered in 
all things and sure.' That blessed covenant, made to us in 
Christ Jesus, is, I am thankful to say, opening to my soul every 
day, with increasing splendor and interest. I am sometimes 
almost overpowered by the shining of some brighter ray, and 
some more penetrating beam of heavenly light, that strikes me 
to the earth in self-abhorernce, and speechless adoration of re- 
deeming grace and love ; and especially when I consider that 
this mercy is vouchsafed to so vile a being, who deserves no- 
thing but to be shut out of his presence forever, instead of 
having a gift of hope full of immortality. If a little glimpse 
of his love, which is all a feeble faith can catch, so warms and 
animates the heart, what must be our joys when we enter a 
state of complete effulgence !" 

From Mrs. Jones to Mrs. Hawkes : — 

" Count it all joy, my sister, when you fall into divers tribu- 
lations. Jesus Christ will bear you company. He has some 
secrets to tell you therein, which you have not heard ; — some- 
thing to show you in his immense treasury, that your hands 
have not handled : and he frequently discovers them in dark 
places, to teach his children wisdom ; — only the eye of faith 
must be opened to receive his communications. As God is 
light, the nearer a mortal approaches to Him, the lower must 
he fall prostrate with self-abasement, and the more must he be 
penetrated with a sense of the corruption of his fallen nature. 
It does not matter how vile we are in our own eyes, if the 
sense of it does not betray us into unbelief and depression ; 
whatever has that effect should be resisted steadfastly in the 
faith ; because we are sure that such insinuations proceed from 
the enemy of truth. ' Jesus came to save sinners,' is a proper 
shield for his fiery darts. Let us dive into the mysteries of the 
cross. It is a blessed privilege to enter, in any degree, into the 



CHAr. III. FROM A. D. 1*7 90 TO 17 90. 113 

holiest by the blood of Jesus, and to take even a faint view of 
the riches there laid up for believers. He that is full of grace 
and full of truth will give exceedingly and abundantly more 
than we can ask or think. If it were possible for us to con- 
ceive the pity, compassion, power and love of our great Advo- 
cate, unbelief would fly as a cloud before the sun ; and we 
should come with confidence as to a very and powerful friend, 
whose bounty has no limits but in our capacity to receive more. 
How freely should we lay before him the large catalogue of 
our depravities, under the view of that all-cleansing, restoring 
blood, which formed a fountain for sin and uncleanness. 

" It is by faith that we must subdue every corrupt principle 
in the human heart : we need not be cast down because we 
find evils within ; but rather be thereby the more roused to 
prayer and watchfulness. We are the temples of the Holy 
Ghost, and the old inhabitants of the heart must be cast out ; 
a stronger than the ' strong man armed' has taken possession, 
and will get himself the victory : for Christ says, ' We will come 
and make our abode.' We need no more say, 'Who shall as- 
cend into heaven, or who shall descend into the deep to find 
Christ, for he is nigh thee, even in thy heart.' Let us pray 
for each other, that the Lord may increase our faith to take of 
the waters of life freely — waters that heal all diseases, and re- 
store to perfect soundness." 

The reader cannot but be struck with the Christian cheerful- 
ness, as well as the devotedness of spirit, which appears in Mrs. 
Jones' letters ; so calculated to encourage and support the more 
tender spirit of her sister, in an earlier stage of experience. 
Mrs. Hawkes was indeed " growing as the palm tree," though 
under the pressure of various weights ; — and it seems that at 
this period she was led to take a more deep and painful view 
of the evils of her own heart. She was now " going forth weep- 
ing, bearing precious seed," but she came again " with rejoicing," 
even here : all who had the happiness to know her, could tes- 
tify the peculiar serenity and cheerfulness which marked all her 
latter years, — even while under the most severe pressure of 
bodily affliction. Yet a solid joy and peace in believing, were 
never separated from deep self-abasement and humiliation be- 
fore God, which to the latest day, and even hour, of her life, 
were the most obvious features of her Christian character. 
From the following short extract it appears that Mrs. H. was 
still confined to a sick chamber. 

March, 1795. — "My gracious Master shows himself to me 
as a pitying, sympathizing friend, and as a compassionate High 
Priest. I have been for some time past embracing death, and 



114 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

laying my head on his cold but friendly arm. When he really 
does come, O may I be no more affrighted at his approach, than 
I am in the present contemplation and expectation of him : but 
may I meet him as an old familiar acquaintance, who is going 
to convey me to a better country." 

In a few weeks after, she records her recovery by an appro- 
priate text of Scripture, and a quotation from the life of Haly- 
burton. The verses of Psalm cxxii. which follow, mark the 
joy she felt when again enabled to attend public worship. 

Saturday, March 28. — "The Lord hath chastened me, but 
he hath not given me over unto death." 

" ' I dare not say I am ready to die ; I dare not say, I have 
grace or faith sufficient to carry me through death ; I dare not 
say, I have no fears of death ; but this I say, there is grace 
enough for helping me, laid up in the promise ; there is a 
throne of grace, to which in our straits we may have recourse. 
He is a God of judgment, who has the disposal of all grace, 
and who will not withhold it when it really is a time of need.'" 

Sunday, May 17, 1795. — "I was glad when they said unto 
me, Let us go into the house of the Lord." My feet shall stand 
within thy gates, O Jerusalem ; whither the tribes go up, the 
tribes of the Lord, unto the testimony of Israel, to give thanks 
unto the name of the Lord. Peace be within thy walls, and 
prosperity within thy palaces." 

"Heard Mr. C. from John, xxi. 21, 22. 'Peter seeing him, 
saith to Jesus, Lord, and what shall this man do ? Jesus saith 
unto him, If I will that he tarry till I come, what is that to 
thee ? follow thou me.' 

" ' The vagrancy of the human mind is one symptom of our 
fallen state. It may be said of most men, their thoughts are, 
as the poet expresses it, " outwards bound." This vagrancy of 
mind fills the serious man with sad reflections. How, says he, 
have I spent the greater part of my life ! The text presents a 
remarkable instance of this failing ; and teaches us that Christ- 
ianity resists vain curiosity. We have here — 

I. Reproof. 

II. Direction. 

" ' The vain curiosity which is here reproved is, First, when 
a man is disposed to ask questions rather than attend to plain 
truths. This is like one whose house is on fire — saying, I will 
not put it out until I know how it began. Tell me, says one, 
of the origin of evil — of the fall of angels ; — tell me, says an- 
other, if God could redeem without a sacrifice ? The true wis- 
dom of man is to stop where God stops in revelation, and in- 
quire no farther. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 115 

" ' It is a vain curiosity when a man would know events rather 
than his duty. Saul would go to a witch to know the event, 
when he should have been considering his duty. ' Lord, what 
shall this man do ? What is that to thee ? Follow thou me,' 
that is thy duty. 

'"It is a vain curiosity to prefer temporal investigation to 
eternal. Experiments may be made that will endanger, rather 
than turn to any use. 

" ' It is a vain curiosity when we should know what respects 
others rather than ourselves. 

II. " ' Attend to the direction, ' Follow thou me.' It is as if 
our Lord had said, Learn of me how to pass through the world, 
and how to think of it. How many idle amusements and sin- 
ful indulgences would be denied, were we to follow Christ : of 
almost everything of a temporal nature it may be said, ' what 
is that to thee.' Consider the time, how much there is to do, 
and how short the space to do it in. Speculation is, for the most 
part, a waste of time and talents. 

' Frozen at heart while speculation shines.' 

"'The Bible deals very little in speculative points. Take 
care how you say, there is no harm in this or that : there is a 
roaring lion. 

" ' A prying presumption is the first step to error. 

" ' It is a dangerous thing to leave the high road. We should 
use much prayer and caution that we enter not into a by-path, 
which is known by its being more easy and smooth, when per- 
haps the high path is painful and rough. ' Follow thou me,' 
is the only way of safety. Where did the beloved disciple find 
rest ? On the bosom of his Master. 

" ' The footsteps of Christ are the authentic way-marks to his 
kingdom. We must not make the steps of any man on earth 
an authentic way-mark, because the best men are fallible. We 
are to trace Christ's footsteps in his word : we are to be of his 
mind, and to follow him in every imitable perfection ; such as 
his deadness to the world — His patience — His resignation — His 
going about doing good.' " 

The way in which Mrs. Hawkes practically followed out the 
spiritual instruction she received, led to the formation of her 
religious character. Her invariable soundness in doctrinal 
points, and her undeviating progress in practical Christianity, 
may be traced to that diligent use of means, with constant 
prayerful application for a divine blessing on them, which we 
are encouraged to believe will ever be attended with success. 
She strikingly manifested that truest sign of spiritual health, a 



116 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWEES. 

" hungering and thirsting after righteousness," which made her 
humbly and teachably listen to Christ's voice, both in his writ- 
ten word and appointed ordinances. Most of her private mem- 
orandums indicate either the disposition of Mary sitting at 
Christ's feet as an attentive learner ; — or they exemplify the 
character of which God has said, " To this man will I look, even 
to him that is poor, and of a contrite spirit, and trembleth at 
my word." Isa. Ixvi. 2. The following extract will be found 
of the latter description. 

May 23, 1795. — "My heart and flesh trembleth for fear of 
thee ! O remember that I am but dust ; that I am a poor 
bruised reed ; bruised with sin and corruption, and a fallen na- 
ture ; bruised with the malice and wiles of the devil ; bruised 
by inward fears, and afflictive dispensations. ' Remember thy 
word unto thy servant, whereon thou hast caused me to trust :' 
— ' I will not break the bruised reed.' In mercy blot out all 
my past transgressions, and remember mine iniquities no more. 
O strengthen me with strength in my soul, to fight the good 
fight of faith, and to lay hold on eternal life." 

The following memorandums mark the close of the year 
1*795, and the beginning of the next : — 

Christmas Day, 1*795. — "I desire to fix my eyes on the 
glorious object which at this season is presented to my view ; I 
would gaze till I learn how lost I am, and to what depths of 
misery I am fallen. By the help of the gracious Spirit, I am 
enabled to take a faint glimpse of this adorable Saviour ; and 
would join my voice with the heavenly host, in singing ' Glory 
to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will to man.' 
Welcome, thou Sun of Righteousness ! Without thee what a 
dreary world had this been to millions ! The very sun had 
been darkness to us, could we not have seen in its beams the 
reflection of thy glory ! Welcome to my ears, any glad tidings 
of thee ! and thrice welcome be thou this day to my unworthy 
heart." 

Friday, Jan. 1, 1*796. — "Floods of tears ran down mine 
eyes upon the review I have taken of my last year's spiritual 
walk and converse. O Lord, righteousness belongeth unto 
Thee, but unto me confusion of face, as at this day ! ' O Lord, 
hear, O Lord, forgive ; Lord, hearken and do, defer not, for 
thine own sake, O my God, to help me." I know not what to 
do with my numerous host of enemies within, and infirmities 
on every side ; but mine eyes are upon thee, for help to begin, 
and go on through this new year, fighting against the world, 
the flesh and the devil — from whence proceed all my sorrows. 
Enable me to endure hardness as a good soldier of Jesus Christ ; 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1*796. 117 

for I have milch, to suffer. Satan would have me, not only to 
sift me as wheat, but to grind me to powder : but O suffer not 
my faith to fail. ' Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O 
Lord ; — Lord, hear my voice : let thine ears be attentive to the 
voice of my supplications.' " 

Mrs. Hawkes' diary next presents the notes of a sermon, 
preached at the opening of the year. We may consider this, 
like many other notices of the kind, less in the light of a ser- 
mon, than as a specimen of the manner in which Mrs. H. 
treasured up spiritual instruction, and appropriated it to her 
own use. 

Sunday, Jan, 3. 1*796. — " Heard Mr. C. from Job, xiv. 14. 
' All the days of my appointed time will I wait till my change 
come.' 

" ' A Christian is a soldier, and as such, he is preparing and 
waiting for the battle ; and he says, ' All the days of my ap- 
pointed warfare, all the days I have to suffer, and to act, will 
I wait till my change come. I have much, to endure, much to 
perform, but as a faithful soldier, I am determined to keep my 
ground, to fulfil my place, to maintain the combat, till it be 
said to me, ' Come up higher.' 

" ' It is the Scripture only which gives us the true account 
of the change — the great event — which Job, and every real 
Christian, determines to wait for. And it also describes the 
proper position in which he who thus waits, should be found ; 
which is a state of mind the reverse of indifference, of careless- 
ness, of presumption or of security. But, as though the Chris- 
tian should say, I will wait like one who has everything at 
stake ; like a soldier in an enemy's country, and surrounded by 
enemies on every side ; like one who has to fight not only with 
flesh and blood, but ' against principalities and powers ;' and 
thus b.sset with dangers, I will stand, simply depending upon 
a God, who is able to do more for me than I can either ask or 
think. 

" ' The true Christian not only waits for his change, and is 
careful to wait for it in a proper position, but he also looks for 
it in its ' appointed time.' It is not enough that a soldier has 
fought several battles : — that he has played the man on this 
or that occasion ; — but he must continue the combat till he re- 
ceives his dismission, till the battle is over. No man has a 
right, under any pretence, to forsake his post ; and if any one 
should be inclined to do so, he should meet it as a temptation, 
and pray to be delivered therefrom. 

" * When the appointed time is come, blessed is that man 
who can say with the apostle, ' I have fought the good fight, I 



118 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

have finished my course, I have kept the faith,' the toil is over, 
and I have been satisfied with the toil ; if by any means I have 
been enabled to work for God. 

" ' It is the Christian only that really despises the world. 
Others may pretend to do it, but he has the secret ; for the 
taper is only divested of its lustre by the rising of the sun. 

" ' We should willingly keep in view an enemy we must 
meet. Away with the wisdom of the world, that tries every 
expedient to keep death out of sight ; it may be called presump- 
tion or vanity, but not wisdom ; for what is life but the ' flower 
of the grass ;' as the dream of the night : and what is the en- 
deavor to banish eternity from the mind, but the desire to have 
a pleasant dream for a night ? 

" ' We must never attempt to meet death with any arms or 
armor except such as will secure our victory. Ignorance, in- 
consideration, and presumption form no armor ; nor is a state 
of levity any security ; still worse than all is a false religion. 
Forms and notions will not do for arms ; but that life which 
unites us to the Son of God. If we credit him who alone is 
worthy of our unlimited confidence, we shall even now say, 
' Death is swallowed up in victory.' Let us therefore wait all 
the days of our appointed time as ' prisoners of hope.' 

Tuesday, March 1, 1796. — "It is said that the nightingale 
leans its breast against a thorn while it sings. I would fain 
sing, and remember my many comforts. If there were no 
thorn, I should perhaps fall asleep, and become a dead, care- 
less professor, and finally lose my way. Why should I weep 
and wring my hands at its piercings, which are only sent for 
my safety. Nature cries it is hard, it is painful ; but grace 
says, all these things are in the order of a wise and gracious 
providence, w T hich foresaw you could not be trusted with hu- 
man friendship, because you would lean too much upon it, and 
forget that this world is not your rest. I will therefore endea- 
vor to imitate the songster of the night ; I will rest on my thorn 
and sing, — 

" One there is beyond all others, 
Well deserves the name of friend : 
His is love beyond a brother's, 

Constant, free, and knows no end !" 

Wednesday, March 9, 1796. Fast-day. — rt Heard Mr. C. 
from Jer. xiv. 7. ' O Lord, though our iniquities testify 
against us, do thou it for thy name's sake.' 

" There is not a more awful symptom that sin has arisen to 
a great height in this nation, than the proud unbroken spirit 
we see under the present calamities. Judges, x. 10. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1796. 119 

" ' Lord, though our iniquities testify against us.' "We 
acknowledge the charge and cannot gainsay it, yet ' Do thou it.' 
It does not become beggars, and much less does it become 
criminals, to dictate what shall be done for them. ' Do thou 
it.' Do what? Do thou that which is becoming thyself! 
Who can attempt to say what is necessary to thine honor; 
what is necessary for us ! Who can tell what is to bring 
about thy design ! therefore, ' Do thou it.' Take it into thine 
own hands ; do that which is most for thy glory ; that which 
shall most effectually humble sinners before thee ; that which 
shall make a nation most sensible of its state ; that which shall 
bring us as a church, and as individuals, in deep humiliation 
before thee. Thou canst do that which no measures, no crea- 
tures can effect. They may appoint a day for fasting and 
prayer, but thou only canst give the spirit of humiliation and 
supplication. 

" ' Do thou it for thy name's sake.' Here is a plea put into 
our mouths. The carnal man thinks it an easy matter to find 
a plea why he should escape punishment : but this is a sure 
sign of an unhumbled spirit. He thinks that, because he does 
not live in open and gross sin, there is nothing the matter ; not 
considering that he who lives without God in the world, is in a 
state of enmity with him. 

" ' When an enlightened and contrite man looks into his 
own heart, and into the nation, and sees what iniquities testify 
against us, he is ready to sink down in discouragement at the 
view ; and he cries out, What is to be done ? 

" ' Let us remember, there is refuge in the character of God, 
when there is none in man. (See Dan. ix. 19.) 

" ' Our fasting is but an outward expression of an inward re- 
pentance and sorrow. Yet even an outward expression does 
not pass unregarded. See the history of Nineveh, and of 
Ahab, that wicked man, and yet concerning whom God says, 
' Seest thou how Ahab humbleth himself before me ? because 
he humbleth himself before me, I will not bring the evil in his 
days ; but in his son's days will I bring the evil upon his 
house.' 1 Kings, xxxi. 29. 

" ' But a Christian is called to more than the outward expres- 
sion. He is called to enter seriously into the subject, and to 
plead with God like Abraham : he is to humble himself as a 
party concerned ; and then ' He who seeth in secret shall 
reward him openly.' Ezek. ix. 4.' " 

In the next extract we see Mrs. Hawkes in the practical 
exercise of that spirit of contrition which she had lately heard 
recommended from the pulpit. 



120 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

March 10. — "Go ! ye innumerable host of sad accusers, self- 
indulgence, vain thoughts, a weak, scrupulous conscience, 

* straining at a gnat, and swallowing a camel,' deadened heart, 
unimproved opportunities, slighted convictions, unheeded re- 
bukes, offended and neglected laws, — with ten thousand other 
aggravations, — go and tell your sad story, and I will acknow- 
ledge it true : but I will go to my Saviour, and lay before him 
the sad catalogue of my sins, (the sight of which is enough to 
fill me with irrecoverable despair,) I will throw myself at his 
gracious feet, and will wait there till I hear him answer, ' All 
that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that 
cometh unto me, I will in no wise cast out.' " 

Sunday, April 24. — "Heard Mr. C. from 1 John, v. 4. 

* For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world ; and 
this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith.' 

" ' God himself has laid down the standard of Christianity, 
and it is a foolish and corrupt state of mind that would alter or 
lower this standard. It becomes us to bow to the rule, what- 
ever it is. 'Whatsoever is born of God,' &c. whether it 
respects a person or a principle — if it be born of God — it ' over- 
cometh the world.' 

v ' It is faith in Christ that overcometh the corrupt influence, 
the inordinate love, the slavish fear, the idolatry, the friendship, 
the false wisdom, and the maxims of the world : nay, it over- 
cometh not only the folly, but the very religion of the world, 
as far as it is & false religion. 

" ' It is not merely comparing or contemplating ; it is not 
having the mind rectified or well-informed, that will avail in 
this conquest. He that overcometh this potent enemy, has a 
secret alliance that is as powerful as it is secret. It is only 
'he that is born of God.' John, hi. 3. 

" ' We are called to fight upon a field of danger, snares, 
and temptations : but having such a cloud of witnesses, all con- 
querors, let us run the race that is set before us ; yet let us 
take heed of running in our own strength, or according to our 
own rule and plan ; let us carefully mark the footsteps of the 
flock ; and especially let us run, ' looking to Jesus ;' let us keep 
our eye on that great model, the great Head of influence ; re- 
membering that it is laying hold on Him by faith, that enables 
us to overcome. ' Who is he that overcometh the world, but 
he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God V ver. 5. He 
that has this sacred and secret alliance ; he whose life is hid 
with Christ in God ; he w T ho can say, ' I live, yet not I, but 
Christ liveth in me.' Gal. ii. 20. 

" ' As Christian soldiers let us not be discouraged, though 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1*790 TO 1796. 121 

we may sometimes have fears and faintings, for so had the 
noble army of martyrs, yet they were all conquerors. Rather 
let us seek to glorify God in the thickest and hottest of the bat- 
tle, remembering the apostle's exhortation. Ephes. vi. 10 — 18. 

" 'It is the order of God, it is the very constitution of hea- 
ven, that he that is born of God shall overcome the world : and 
it is in this way only, even by faith in Christ, that any one has 
hitherto succeeded over the worst of his enemies. It is a grand 
and sublime principle of faith that must raise a man above the 
world. To suppose that any one will turn from the love of 
this world to the love of eternal things, without an operation 
of the Holy Ghost, is to be as bad a philosopher as a divine ; 
for it is to expect an effect without a cause. 

" ' Is victory over the world the Christian's object ? Are we 
striving for the mastery, and striving lawfully ? Are we fol- 
lowing the example of the apostle, who says, ' I keep under 
my body, and bring it under subjection ?' We must watch 
the designs of the enemy, and remember that if we do not 
overcome the world, the world will overcome us. 

" ' It is our wisdom, to take time, seize opportunities for re- 
flection, in order that we may walk with God. It is when we 
shut out the noisy vain world, that the enchantment begins to 
break, and the shadows flee away ; then we begin to have 
clearer vision; and to hear 'the still small voice' that speaks 
within. It is this which distinguishes the true believer from 
the hypocrite : the hypocrite will be found everywhere but in 
his closet. He will meet you at Church — at the sacrament — 
in your most select societies ; you will not know him, by his 
appearance, from one of the most devout saints ; but you may 
know him if you mark his secret walk. You never see him 
seekiug a retired corner to pray ; you never hear him shutting 
his door about him, and falling upon his knees in private. He 
wants to be seen of men ; if he is found at his devotions, it is 
in places where he may be seen and admired. But the true 
Christian, the man who is ' born of God,' is never so easy as 
when he can get where no eye sees him, and pour out his 
heart before God : he has a root as well as a shoot ; he is not 
an annual, but taking deep root downwards ; he stands wiuter 
as well as summer, bearing fruit through all seasons.' " 

May 3, 1796. — "I feel this a painful and weary part of my 
Christian pilgrimage. I have much disturbance from Satan, 
from my own heart, and from distressing circumstances. May 
I be enabled to fight manfully !" 

Thursday, 5. — " Was favored by a visit from my revered 
minister. His conversation has left a solemn effect upon my mind. 

6 



122 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWSES. 

" Mr. C. observed, ' The attacks made upon the soul by sin 
and Satan resemble water-floods surrounding a house, and in- 
cessantly working at one place or another. JSTo sooner is 
one inlet secured, than the water makes its way in somewhere 
else. 

" ' Satan is a constant enemy, never ceasing to buffet us ; but 
whatever bows down the soul, we must bring it to Christ, 
whether the attack be from the world, the flesh, or the devil. 

" ' Nothing tunes the soul like prayer. He that is able to 
go and plead his case with God, shall soon ' mount w 7 ith wings 
as eagles ; shall run and not be weary ; shall walk and not 
faint.' We should pray for a spirit of prayer ; we cannot ex- 
pect a favor we do not ask for. I am persuaded that God 
will honor every species of prayer. It is a sad thing to let the 
devil persuade us to stand still, or go backward because we 
cannot do all we wish. 

" ' Prayer is the key that unlocks every blessing. Beware of 
general requests ; it is a sign of a cold, unfeeling heart. Come 
and specify what you would have ; carry your real concerns 
to Christ ; and be satisfied with his care and management of 
you. The government is upon his shoulders, not yours. It 
is enough that he undertakes for you, therefore transact all 
your affairs with him. A Christian who is sometimes found 
sitting still as a man of faith, is at other times found wrestling 
as a man of prayer. 

" ' There are a vast variety of corrections for the people of 
God. One is sorely tempted ; another has great outward 
losses ; another is visited with sickness. The form of the 
chastisement is of small importance ; but each feels the weight 
and is touched to the quick ; and that, perhaps, when those 
who stand by, see nothing of the affair. To endure chastise- 
ment, is to receive it as the design of it ; to take it willingly. 
The manner of our receiving chastisement, will throw great 
light upon our character, whether we are, or are not the sons 
of God. Sorrow is a fire : but while it is a purifying fire to 
some, it is a consuming fire to others. The primitive Christians 
were remarkable for their patience under suffering. God can 
make a man as quiet by faith, as if there were no danger at 
all. But a frown from God is ten thousand times worse than 
a stake or gibbet. 

" ' In all dispensations we should be careful not to lose the 
benefit, either by falling into a state of despondency, or by being- 
inattentive to our feelings and sentiments in the affliction ; or 
by impatience under it. Endeavor to keep the presence of God 
in your heart through every circumstance. 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 179G. 123 

" ' Learn to distinguish between humiliation and gloomy de- 
pression. What St. Paul means by being crucified to the world 
is not a peevish quarrelling with it, but a noble victory over it. 
While we say of laughter ' it is mad,' let us beware of running 
into an unscriptural melancholy. The enemy has often made 
use of this with great success to the injury of religion. Holy 
joy is the proper antidote. 

" ' As Christians, it is our privilege to be going on to perfec- 
tion, to walk free from mists and uncomfortableness ; and 
though, while here, we shall, to the end, only ' see through a 
glass darkly,' yet we are directed to fix our eyes upon a more 
perfect day, when the ' wise shall shine as the brightness of the 
firmament.' " 

On the subject of indulging a tendency to melancholy, Mr. 
Cecil farther cautioned Mrs. Hawkes in the following letter, 
sent the next day : — 

11 May, 1796. 
" My dear Daughter, 

" The uneasiness I feel when I see anything which I think 
amiss in you obliges me to write a letter, though you know I 
am no writer of letters except when absolutely compelled. 

"iSTow as you are a fruitful plaut in my vineyard, and one 
that I have had the honor and pleasure of planting, I cannot 
be satisfied if I suspect any injury whatever which may impede 
your growth. 

"But I do suspect an injury. I do think I see one enemy, 
and that, an enemy at the very root of your health and com- 
fort : it is a little mischievous worm called melancholy. It 
is engendered by constitution and ill health ; and makes both 
worse. I say this from experience, but then what is only acci- 
dental in my case, is almost constant in yours ; and I cannot 
but observe this with great pain. First, because I do not think 
you are sufficiently apprised of the evil. It strips you of the 
only ornament of the Christian profession I ever saw you want, 
— I mean a permanent joy and peace in believing. I know 
you have such humble views of yourself, that you will consider 
me a very partial judge : but on this subject I cannot think I 
am incompetent to judge ; and I do not allow myself (I hum- 
bly hope) to say what I do not really think. 

"I know everything that occurs is capable of wounding a 
sensibility such as yours. But the world is nothing to you. 
Come, I will give you a bit of an old man who writes better 
than I can : — 

" ' We may compare an afflicted believer to a man that has 



124 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

an orchard laden with fruit, who, because the wind has blown 
off the leaves, sits down and weeps. If one asks, What do 
you weep for ? Why, my apple-leaves are gone ! But have 
you not your apples left ? Yes. Very well, then do not 
grieve for a few leaves, which could only hinder the ripening of 
your fruit.' 

" Pardons and promises that cannot fail, lie at the root of 
my dear daughter's profession ; and the fruits of faith, hope, and 
love, that no one can question, have long covered her branches. 
The east wind sometimes carries off a few leaves, though the 
rough wind is stayed ; and what if every leaf were gone ? what 
if not a single earthly comfort remained \ Christ has prayed 
and promised that her ' fruit shall remain ;' and it shall be my 
joy to behold it through eternity. 

" Past eleven o'clock, and time for poor sleepy preachers to 
go to bed. But I shall sleep better for having dropped a word 
or two, though it be but saying old things over and over again. 

" But the morning cometh, a morning without melancholy. 
To-morrow morning, you and I shall walk in a garden where 
I hope to talk to you abuot everything but sadness ; and if I 
even forgot, and began upon the subject, you would immediately 
reply, ' Sorrow and sighing are fled forever.' 

" So they do now as faith is in exercise. I received amazing- 
benefit from Hill's tenth sermon, on 2 Kings, iv. 26. ' She an- 
swered and said, It is well ;' which I read walking home from 
you yesterday. I went and bought the book, and shall return 
you yours directly, and beg you will go through the same ser- 
mon, and pray that it may be as much blessed to you as it 
was to me. 

" With kindest regards to Mr. Hawkes, 

" Believe me your very affectionate Father, 

"R. Cecil." 

Independently of the consolations of religion, a person of Mrs. 
Hawkes' temperament, and under her circumstances, must un- 
avoidably have sunk into that "sorrow of the world" which 
" worketh death." For a natural tendency to melancholy, meet- 
ing with the pressure of real affliction, and unassisted by that 
knowledge of the Gospel which opens a brighter prospect, as- 
sumes a desolating character and merges into the " sorrow of 
the world," that is, hopeless despair. 

Perhaps it may be allowed here to make a few remarks on 
the essential difference between the " sorrow of the world" and 
" godly sorrow ;" distinguishing first the features of that kind 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 125 

of pensive melancholy just alluded to, which is incident to some 
persons of a refined and sensitive mind. 

Melancholy, as it exists in the temperament, independently 
of real trouble, is the pensive dwelling- of the imagination upon 
whatever is gloomy or pathetic in nature. It is the romantic 
contemplation of tacts, and not the proper impression of the 
facts themselves ; and as nature has been said to exceed ro- 
mance, so does real grief far exceed melancholy. Setting aside 
morbid cases, melancholy is a pleasing illusion ; it has its sweet 
sounds, soft touches, refined sensation ; much of the ideal in it : 
the mind lulls itself as in a cradle, and kisses the pillow on 
which it weeps. Yet this pensive kind of melancholy appears 
to be only a phantom of the imagination, something below re- 
ality, — a waking dream. It however holds a place in the sub- 
lime and beautiful ; and a dash of melancholy often forms a fea- 
ture in the finest minds. 

But man is born to real trouble : and the reality of woe is 
more forlorn and desolating than an effect produced by imagi- 
nary impressions. The subject of real grief resembles a blight- 
ed tree on a trackless waste, not only solitary, but empty, bare, 
and useless. A sentence of death seems written there ! and 
what hope presents itself ? None to those who are unacquaint- 
ed with that " God who raises the dead." None to those who 
being under the power of spiritual blindness, remain ignorant 
of the consolations which the Gospel offers. Melancholy, with 
her pensive train, now gives place ; and the " sorrow of the 
world" sits brooding over the scene in hopeless dismay ; and at 
length leads on her sad victims to the abodes of death ; death 
in its three-fold horrors, — spiritual, temporal, and eternal ! — 
such sorrow being contrary to the will of God, and arising 
from an inordinate love of the world. 1 Cor. vii. 30. 1 Thess. 
iv. 13. 

Oh how appalling to launch on that dark ocean which af- 
fords no bottom on which to cast a single anchor ! This is re- 
ality of woe ! would that its deepest gloom ended in the grave ! 
But, alas, we may borrow the striking lines of Milton, when he 
represents that abyss of misery into which the arch apostate 
fell, and into which he desires to drag all his followers : — 



" Me miserable ! which way shall I fly 
Infinite wrath and infinite despair \ 
Which way I fly is hell ; myself am hell ; 
And in the lowest deep, a lower deep, 
Still threat'ning to devour me, opens wide, 
To which the hell I suffer seems a heaven !" — Booh IV. 



126 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

But it will be refreshing to turn our aching view from scenes 
thus dismal, and mark Religion, rising like the sun, chasing 
away the mists and horrors of night before its rising splendor. 
Religion leads from realities of despair, to realities of hope ; 
from realities of woe, to realities of peace and joy. Her sorrow 
is a " godly sorrow," wrought by the influences of the Holy 
Spirit. With an eye fixed on the cross, she beholds her reme- 
dy ; and though " now going forth weeping," yet bearing the 
"precious seed" of faith, hope, and love, she will "doubtless 
come again with rejoicing, bringing her sheaves with her ;" for 
" Godly sorrow worketh repentance not to be repented of." 
Faith embraces the promises : and sees hidden in them infinite 
prospects. A w T ell-grounded confidence and holy joy become 
the Christian's companions, and attend him till he enters those 
realms of bliss where he can say from perfect fruition, " In thy 
presence is fulness of joy ; at thy right hand there are pleasures 
for evermore." Ps. xvi.ll. 

But we must return to the subject of this Memoir, and view 
her a little longer as a pilgrim here below, experiencing the 
vicissitudes of sorrow and joy ; dropping, perhaps, " some natu- 
ral tears," but ever pressing on to that heavenly home where 
" all tears shall be wiped away." 

The next extracts from her diary are as follows : — 

Tuesday, May 17, 1796. — " When a breath from the Holy 
Spirit would put the soul upon making fresh application to 
Christ for pardon, a certain voice seems to put in, ' If — if — if 
thou wilt do this or that' — whereby the soul is terrified and 
kept back. Christ proposes no ifs, except ' If thou canst be- 
lieve.' He says, ' For mine own sake I will do this.' While I 
have any groaning towards God, and while I have Christ for a 
Saviour in heaven to atone and intercede for me, I will encour- 
age hope. 

" 'Faith puts forth in a variety of actings ; infinitely precious 
in all. Sometimes with a holy, bold venture, hoping against 
hope ; believing against all manner of contradictions : sometimes 
conflicting with strong temptations, buffetings, and the assaults 
of Satan ; sometimes passive ; but in all victorious.' 

July, 1796. — " To what a cost, lingering daily puts the real 
Christian, none can tell but God and his own soul. So true it 
is, that nothing can save from ruin here, nor from hell hereaf- 
ter, but the hand of special grace and infinite power." 

The foregoing extracts seem to indicate some inward exer- 
cises, the particular cause of which is not expressed. But wheth- 
er beset by inward or outward trials, Mrs. Hawkes had one 
resource, — in the sanctuary she ever found " a tabernacle for a 



CHAP. III. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1796. 127 

shadow in the day-tiroe from the heat, and for a place of refuge, 
and for a covert from storm and from rain." 

Her diary next affords the full notes of a sermon, which will 
be found deeply experimental and encouraging. 

July 6, 1796.— "Heard Mr. C. from Gen. xxii. 14. 'And 
Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah -jirah : as it is 
said to this day, In the mount of the Lord, it shall be seen,' (or, 
in the mount of the Lord, He shall be seen.) 

" { God in his church has ever been seen to provide a moun- 
tain of difficulty, or a mountain of action for his people. He 
not only provides it for Abraham, but for all his children. It 
is not an accident when mountains are put in our way : for 
though we are not called in the way Abraham was, to go and 
offer up a beloved child, yet God knows how to make a small 
thing become sometimes a very great mountain. 

" ' Observe, first, that when God provides a mount of difficul- 
ty, we must not expect his love to secure us from it, but in it. 

" ' We are very apt to object to God's proceedings with us ; 
but let it ever be remembered, He does not consult our feelings, 
but our profit, 

" ' Observe, secondly, that God ever provides for the difficulty 
we have to encounter. ' As it is said to this day, In the mount 
of the Lord, He shall be seen.' It is not said, He shall be seen 
at the foot of the mountain — or half-way up it — but in the 
mount : that is to say, God will make our extremity his oppor- 
tunity. God keeps his time, though not our time. We are 
apt to sa} r , ' Kow, Lord :' but he seems to say, ' This is your 
time, but not mine.' And in the interval, if the mountain be 
of his providing, there is a promise, ' I will never leave thee nor 
forsake thee.' ' The Lord will provide.' — He provides what 
some indeed think lightly of, faith and hope. You must not 
complain if God leaves you nothing in the hand but faith and 
hope. We are ever wanting something to lean upon ; but God 
says, No, you must learn to lean upon me only. 

" ' Acts of faith are public benefits ; how little did Abraham 
think this act of faith should be the support of thousands. 
4 Blessed is the man that endureth temptation,' or (trial.) But 
it is not enough to take up this truth as a mere sentiment. We 
must go through these things. Our blessings lie over the moun- 
tain, and the believer must be content to sigh and pant up the 
mountain, bearing his cross. If we find it laborious to go up 
the { Hill difficulty,' yet let us go on step by step, knowing that 
it is only for an appointed time, and that our blessings are be- 
yond the mountain. Oh, it is not talking, but walking ! It is 
not in notion, but in action. 



128 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" ' Observe, thirdly, God will in tliis mount provide for Lis 
own glory. He will be glorified in the fire : ' In the mount 
He will be seen.' We want ease, but when we get it, how 
apt are we to grow cold and stupid, and careless about prayer, 
till we are again roused by difficulties ; and then we begin to 
pray in earnest. Thus it is that God is glorified. He causes 
us to glorify his wisdom, — his all-sufficiency, — his goodness. 
He seems often to appeal to our hearts — is not this the best 
way, though every step up hill ? ' In the mount of the Lord 
He shall be seen,' that is, God will there exhibit his own char- 
acter. 

" ' In our difficulties God sets up way-marks ; — he says what- 
ever a man gives up for me, shall be restored, in better things, 
a hundred fold : and thus we find that religion is only another 
name for wisdom. 

" * Fourthly, from this mountain of trial, we are to see Christ 
exhibited. If we do not see the golden thread through all the 
Bible, marking out Christ, we read the Scriptures without the 
key ; — we miss the invaluable treasure hid in the field. 

" ' This text has a great scope, ' The Lord will provide.' He 
will provide all that man wants for time and eternity, in and 
through Christ. When we can see a dying, risen Saviour, in 
the mountain, we have indeed found the pearl of great price. 
Oh that such as love great sights, would look at the cross of 
Christ, which, of all others, is the sight the most interesting I 
God has set up, in his word, great monuments : the text is one, 
on which is inscribed, ' The Lord will provide.' The poorest 
man who can read his Bible may see it to this day.' " 

In the month of September, the state of Mrs. Hawkes' 
health requiring sea-bathing, she went to Dover, accompanied 
by Mrs. Jones. But those anxieties which had induced the 
present depression of her strength and spirits, followed her 
there, and drew from Mr. Cecil the following sympathetic let- 
ter : — 

"Oct. 1, 1796. 
" My dear Daughter, 

" The melancholy cast of your letter so meets the present 
complexion of my mind, and some sentiments in it are so ex- 
actly my own, that, like a man who hears a tune which touches 
him, and he begins humming, so I fall to writing. I too am 
at sea, and sea-sick. I laugh outwardly, and inwardly say of 
laughter, ' It is mad.' When the candle of the Lord shines 
upon my head, I am well, and so are you : but when / cannot 
see Him, (you understand me,) a more forlorn creature does not 



chap. in. — from A. d. 1790 to 1796. 129 

walk the earth ; and that, sometimes for days together, though 
surrounded with comforts and comforters. 

" The truth is, He deals out my comforts who furnishes 
yours ; and if you could weigh them against each other, you 
would find them more equal than you are ready to believe. 

" Another truth is, that among the many things you have 
learned of me, there is one which I have often brought to your 
ear, but which none but God could bring to your own heart ; I 
mean the real state of the country in which we live, as de- 
scribed, Psalm lxiii. 1. You are the woman ' whose heart the 
Lord opened,' and which none but himself can fill. The wo- 
man 'who stood beside me praying unto the Lord,' and to 
whom the Lord has given the petition she asked of him. What, 
I pray you, was the petition ; and what are the things you meet 
with, but an answer to it; and what need I repeat on the sub- 
ject ? You know these things as well as I do, and I should 
never have knoivn them, (though I might have preached about 
them,) if I had not been, like you, taken from the crowd by a 
mighty hand, and brought, ' with faltering steps and slow,' to 
tread the narrow, solitary way. 

" Still ' He giveth songs in the night ;' therefore let us sing 
when we can. He also commands us to help one another ; and 
to help you, as far as I am able, will always afford satisfaction to 
" Your most affectionate friend and father, 

" R. Cecil." 

The depression which, at this period, rested on Mrs. Hawkes' 
mind was not from imaginary causes. She saw the clouds 
darkening, and ready to break over her head in a storm of 
trouble, which within a few weeks actually burst, and nearly 
overwhelmed her. The most serious embarrassment was 
threatening Mr. Hawkes' affairs, occasioned by his having in- 
cautiously, though from motives of friendship, allowed an un- 
successful speculator to draw bills upon him, by which the 
whole of his propert} T became irretrievably involved. On Mrs. 
Hawkes' return from Dover, in the month of October, she was 
informed that the shock had actually been felt at Holloway, 
and that everything was on the point of being given up for se- 
curity. A lively and pathetic description of her feelings, at this 
time, appears in the following memorandum. 

Holloway, 1796. — "I have of late felt much solemnity of 
mind ; and have been enduring much agony of spirit, and 
learning to ' go softly? But I would rather go weeping with 
my face heavenwards, than dancing in the broad way which 
must end in misery. Thanks be to God, that I have at least 



130 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

a weeping eye, if I have not the true soldier-like spirit that 
dares the fierce onset of the battle. I am, I trust, made willing 
to endure, and abide the conflict, however severe. I must in- 
deed, ever shrink at the approach of the two-edged sword. 
But I desire to put myself into the hands of my great Physi- 
cian, to do with me as seemeth him good ; and that without 
reserve. My Bible and my secret chamber can witness for me, 
the floods of tears I pour out for my weakness and my wicked- 
ness, and for the depravity of my fallen nature. And He, 
whose eye pierceth the reins and the heart, knoweth I do not 
act the part of a hypocrite. My sins are indeed more than the 
hairs of my head : nor could I bear the sight, were I not ena- 
bled to lay hold of the hope set before me in the Gospel. In 
this I have always strong consolation ; and find it an anchor 
both sure and steadfast, upon which, by faith, I will now lie 
down and sleep, amidst surrounding waves and storms of sor- 
row. ' Who shall lay anything to the charge of God's elect ? 
It is God that justifieth. Who is he that condemneth ? It is 
Christ that died, yea, rather that is risen again.' " 

Mrs. Jones, who had come to town with her afflicted sister, 
was apprehensive lest the present agitating scene at Holloway 
should seriously affect Mrs. Hawkes' already much impaired 
health. She therefore anxiously wished to procure for her a 
temporary shelter, the house of some friend, during this threat- 
ening storm, which it was hoped would shortly blow over.— 
Such a temporary shelter she ventured to solicit in the house 
of Mrs. Hawkes' spiritual father, the Rev. R. Cecil, a request 
which was readily granted. 



CHAPTER IV. 

HER RESIDENCE IN MR. CECIL'S HOUSE. 

from a. d. 1*796 to 1802. 

Friendship subsisting between Mrs. Hawkes and Mrs. Cecil — Habits of 
Mrs. Hawkes while at Holloway — Sale of the house at Holloway — 
Her grief occasioned by that circumstance — She goes to meet Mr. 
Hawkes at Portsmouth — Has a narrow escape from being drowned, 
in bathing — She returns to Mrs. Cecil, then at Clapham — Letter from 
Mrs. Ely Bates — Remarks on Mrs. Hawkes' keen sense of her sor- 
rows — She resumes the use of her diary — Suffers great depression of 
spirits — Goes to Birmingham — Dangerous illness of Mr. Cecil, in 
1708 — Mrs. Hawkes visits the Isle of Wight, and comes under the 
ministry of the Rev. John Newton — Her happy visit to her sisters — 
She returns to London — Accompanies Mrs. Cecil to Chobham — Is 
seized with illness, and obliged to return to town — Expectation of 
death through the summer of 1801 — Visit of Mrs. Jones, who pro- 
vides for Mrs. Hawkes' removal from Little James Street — Mrs. 
Hawkes' memorandum on leaving Mr. Cecil's house. 

The close and intimate friendship which subsisted between 
Mrs. Hawkes and Mrs. Cecil, has already been mentioned. 
Never were two friends more capable of appreciating each 
other. The prominent features in Mrs. Cecil's character were 
benignity, generosity, maternal tenderness, and charity. Mrs. 
Hawkes' present circumstances called these dispositions into 
delightful exercise ; and Mrs. Cecil experienced an increase of 
her own happiness, in that ready flow of sympathy, with which 
she welcomed to her house a beloved friend ; an event which 
took place the latter end of October, 1796. 

In order to conceive properly of Mrs. Hawkes' feelings on 
this occasion, her whole character and circumstances must be 
taken into the account. There were certain restraining consid- 
erations, which interfered with her entire complacency in this 
friendly arrangement. Her warmest gratitude was, in some 
measure, overpowered by a keen sensibility, shrinking from 
obligation, in proportion to the sense of favors conferred. That 
delicacy of feeling, which accompanied her strength of mind. 



132 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

would naturally revolt at any, even apparent, encroachment 
on generous friendship ; while her quick apprehension was 
more than alive to the inconvenience which might attend the 
increase of an already large family. It must also be ac- 
knowledged that the love of independence was a prominent 
feature in Mrs. Hawkes' character : nor was it in the power of 
human kindness to tranquillize her mind under her present accu- 
mulated afflictions. Divine consolations alone could have sup- 
ported her ; and, that these were not wanting in this hour of 
extremity, the following memorandum bears testimony. 

Holloway, Oct. 1196. — "The experience this day is, 'He 
healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.' — 
The hand of special grace has been stretched out to lift me 
above surrounding billows. Everything around says, ' Escape, 
daughter, escape ;' and faith and hope provide the plank that 
shall convey me safe to shore. ' The name of the Lord is a 
strong tower." Here let me seek shelter, and leave the storm 
to God/' 

Hopes were at first entertained that the house at Hollo way 
might be preserved. Six months passed in this state of uncer- 
tainty. But, in the end, it appeared, that prompt and efficient 
assistance could not be procured. During this interval of pain- 
ful suspense, Mrs. Jones expresses her sympathy with her sis- 
ter, in the following letter, and endeavors to suggest consider- 
ations of encouragement. She writes : 

" My heart grieves to hear how my dear sister's sufferings 
abound, and my spirit falls prostrate to hear how her supports 
abound also. The anchor of hope is invaluable : but its worth 
is only known in a storm. God says, prove me ; and when 
the Holy Spirit aids the proof, great is the rejoicing in Christ 
Jesus. Suspense is, indeed, the most trying situation the mind 
can be in ; and the most favorable to the increase of faith. 
The noble army of martyrs have stood there, and found firm 
footing ; or rather lay there, in loathsome dungeons. They 
leaned on your Father's arm, and his arm is not shortened. 
He now calls upon you to prove its strength : He will be glorified 
by the manifestation of his mighty power. We may not say 
unto God, ' What doest Thou ?' We can only hang on his 
attributes, and contemplate this truth : ' He cannot deny Him- 
self.' Nothing but the mighty power of God can save his 
afflicted ones from murmuring, under the repeated strokes of 
his chastening rod. 

" Do not faint, my dear sister ; strength shall be afforded. 
The Lord is able to comfort his children ; and in every stroke, 
he says to them, ' believe in me : my name and character is 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1*796 TO 1802. 133 

love.' Your debilitated state leads you to view every event on 
the dark side : but when your nerves are braced, I am per- 
suaded you will see that you are privileged ' beyond the com- 
mon walk of men.' To be taken into friendship with the 
Father, Son, and Spirit, and daily to enjoy divine intercourse 
under the strongest assurances of infallible direction and super- 
intendence in the smallest contingencies in life ; to be placed 
under the care, kindness and benevolence, of one of the most 
honorable in God's vineyard ; to have so many friends that 
tenderly love and highly value you ; with much more that 
might be said upon this subject, — are favors few can boast. 
The affectionate kindness of your friends is quite unparalleled, 
nor could you have bought it ; but it is given you by an Al- 
mighty friend, as an earnest, a pledge of love, and a part of 
the ' all things' which are in his gift. Whensoever your heart 
is afraid, remember his loving-kindness, who says, ' I will never 
leave nor forsake thee.' " 

The year 1797 was opening before Mrs. Hawkes with pros- 
pects the most painful, and eventful. Hitherto she had found, 
in her retreat at Holloway, many resources and alleviations. 
Domestic duties furnished her with amusing employment; her 
still greater delight was in that retirement, which afforded op- 
portunity for solid reading, and religious exercises. She had 
an excessive thirst for knowledge, both spiritual and intellectual ; 
to obtain which, it was her general custom to rise at five o'clock 
in the morning, at all seasons of the year, having, in winter, 
her fire prepared for being lighted by herself, before others 
were awake. It was this desire for instruction, which made her 
anxious to secure the society of select Christian friends at her 
house. A taste for the country made her enter, with delight, 
into every rural scene, and derive enjoyment from every little 
flower which grew in her garden : while a natural benevolence, 
and generosity of character, inclined her to acts and expres- 
sions of kindness to all around. At Holloway, Mrs. Hawkes 
was laying up a store of knowledge, which proved of essential 
use to her in after life, and helped to sustain her mind under 
the change of circumstances which awaited her ; — for her be- 
loved retreat was to be taken from her. In the mouth of April, 
the house at Holloway, with everything that belonged to it, 
was sold ; and Mrs. Hawkes was called to renounce all — -whether 
of affluence or comfort — and to be without a home. 

The following memorandum exhibits the spirit in which she 
was preparing to meet this painful catastrophe. 

" Instead of fainting under the stroke, I would cry, Let the 



134 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

refiner do his work, even though the furnace be made seven 
times hotter. Let the dross be burnt up, that I may come out 
purified as gold. Enable me to endure chastisement, to receive 
it as to the design of it ; to take it up willingly ; and to show 
a proper disposition under it, though touched to the quick. 
4 When my heart is overwhelmed within me, lead me to the 
Rock that is higher than I.' " 

Mr. Hawkes being considered a man of good property, Mrs. 
Hawkes' private fortune had not been settled upon her ; conse- 
quently it was all lost in the general wreck. Her faith was now 
to be put to the most severe trial. She was to have no inher- 
itance, no, ' not so much, as to set the sole of her foot upon.' 
But she was yet blessed, and to be a blessing to that household 
where a kind and wise Providence had, for the present, fixed 
the bounds of her habitation ; and to the happiness of which 
she so greatly contributed, during an interval of six years. To 
assist Mrs. Cecil, under her delicacy of health, and increasing 
family ; to become the beloved instructress of her children ; and 
to fulfil every office by which real and affectionate friendship 
could manifest itself: — was her unremitting exercise, previous 
to those severe bodily sufferings, which confined her for many 
years to a sick chamber. 

Though Mrs. Hawkes was feelingly alive to the merciful alle- 
viations afforded, especially in the shelter provided under Mr. 
Cecil's roof, yet the keen sense she had of the painful facts of 
her case, caused a depression of spirits, which sympathy could 
not remove, though it might alleviate. She was conscious of 
her weakness in this respect. During the interval of painful 
suspense previous to the sale at Holloway, in addressing a 
friend who, with much kindness and wisdom, was acting as her 
representative there, she writes as follows : — 

" I hope when you see me melancholy, you will always re- 
member it is a very serious defect in my character. Were I as 
I ought to be, nothing, w 7 ith my privileges, and eternal pros- 
pects, would sink my spirits ; but I am frail ; may you, my dear 
friend, escape my pains, and my weakness." 

About the month of July, Mrs. Hawkes went, for a short 
time, to Portsmouth, where Mr. Hawkes had some opening 
prospects ; w T hile there she was very ill. She had also a nar- 
row escape from being drowned while bathing, as appears by 
the following memorandum : — 

Portsmouth, July 19, 1797. — "By the speeial providence 
of God, I was this day delivered from the very jaws of death. 
A sudden movement of the bathing machine, threw me violent- 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 135 

ly down the steps into the sea. The machine was drawn very 
swiftly up the beach, while the waves carried me some way 
farther into the sea. I expected to be soon launched into the 
wide ocean. When most wonderfully, I know not how, I felt 
myself drifted by the waves back again ; and turning on my 
hiinds and knees, I crept towards the shore. But as no assist- 
ance was near, I every moment expected a returning wave to 
sweep me away forever. In this situation, I cried, ' Lord, save 
me !' and to his saving help it alone belongs, that I am alive 
at this moment, to record his wonderful deliverance. 

" The attendants, though wishing to put the best face upon 
the affair, seemed involuntarily to assure me, that they had 
given me up for lost ! and my kind friend M. M., in the midst 
of her distress, never more expecting to see me, save as a 
corpse, begau to say to herself concerning me, ' Xow her 
troubles are all over !' 

" But a wise and over-ruling Providence had otherwise de- 
termined ; and only presented death to my view, without 
giving me into its power. I am deeply impressed with this 
truth, that there is but a step between life and death ; and that 
true wisdom consists in standing at all times prepared for the 
awful change. The voice of this deliverance is, (and oh, may I 
have ears to hear !) ' Let your loins be girded about, and your 
lights burning.' Luke, xii. 34 — 43 ; also Psalm cxxi. seems 
particularly appropriate ; and as the Lord hath so wonderfully 
preserved my going out and coming in, I trust he will forever 
watch over his unworthy creature for good." 

Amidst the various difficulties with which Mrs. Hawkes was 
surrounded at Portsmouth, she wrote to Mr. Cecil for advice, 
who replied as follows : — 

" I cannot express what I feel for your present indisposition, 
in a situation so difficult as you describe ; and therefore shall 
say nothing more upon it than this, that I know when Mrs. C. 
(who is now absent from town) sees your letter, she will feel 
very impatient for your return : and I, as your minister, ought 
to counsel you not to act from false standards, as if your re- 
turning sooner than you intended looked like caprice. It is 
enough for us to do our duty ; but we cannot do that in many 
cases, if we will act only as we can explain every particular 
action ; especially does this hold in matters that are not at all 
of a moral, but merely of a circumstantial nature. I hope, 
therefore, you will stay no longer than is necessary for your 
own, or Mr. Hawkes' satisfaction ; and as I write for my wife 
as well as myself, I can assure you most sincerely, that your 
return will aftbrd solid satisfaction and pleasure to us. 



136 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" I am sure, (averse as I am to give my notes,) that I ought 
to refuse you nothing that can be of use to you in the present 
circumstances : — therefore take the following as a great favor, 
which would have been (I believe) denied at any other time. 

Luke, xxi. 19. "In your patience possess ye your souls." 
" ' These words were addressed to the disciples with respect 
to certain impending trials. If any one present feels himself 
not -liable to trouble, loss, temptation, death, — let him go away 
this morning, and say, the minister took a subject which had 
no relation to my case ; but if ' man is born to trouble as the 
sparks fly upward,' if he is liable to lose possession of himself 
under it, then let him pray to possess his soul in patience. 

I. What is it for a Christian to possess his soul in trying 
times ? 

" A Christian — for the words are addressed to believers : — 

" Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles ?" It 
implies, — 

1st. Recollection. Nehemiah — "Should such a man as I 
flee?" Neh. vi. 11. 

2dly. Dependence. Jehoshaphat — "Our eyes are upon 
thee." 2 Chron. xx. 12. — Three children in the furnace, Dan. 
iii. 16. 

3clly. Submission to the dispensation. Job — " The Lord 
gave," &c. Daniel in the den of lions. Paul — " Behold I go 
bound," &c. 

4thly. Readiness to perform the duties of it, however diffi- 
cult. Esther's reply to Mordecai. Esther, iv. 16. 

5thly. Disregard to the constructions of a blind world ; and 
returning good for evil. Instance, Christ — " Father, forgive 
them." Stephen — " Lord, lay not this sin to their charge." 

" The words of the text are, as if Christ should say, A dread- 
ful shock is approaching ; (see the description through the chap- 
ter,) but whatever you suffer or lose, do not lose yourselves. 
' Let patience have its perfect work.' Like Moses, endure as 
'seeing him who is invisible.' I have laid a foundation for this. 
See ver. 18. Stand still, therefore, and see the salvation of the 
Lord. 

II. How the soul is to be possessed. 

" Not by stoical insensibility — ambitious hardness — pagan 
vain-glory ; but in Christian patience, arising out of faith on a 
Divine assurance: see ver. 18. 

" Christian virtues are a chain. Rom. v. 1 — 5. 

" Stoical virtue may look like Christian, but is as a shining 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1*796 TO 1802. 137 

counterfeit. Your patience must be distinct from theirs. God 
looks at motives — principles — as roots of fruit he commends. 

" It is the Spirit of Christ which must unite us to Christ, 
from whom alone our fruit is found. This is the suffering- 
Spirit of Christ, in the members of Christ. Heb. xii. A holy 
quiet, calm repose, solid peace, believing resignation, well- 
grounded fortitude. 

" I see," said the ancient disciple, " a horrid tumult coming 
on, but I must endeavor to keep it from entering my heart. I 
must remember his words, or I shall lose myself. It may dis- 
tract, — no matter ; — this is no affair of mine ; he has said, ' Thy 
shoes shall be iron and brass — and as thy days, so shall thy 
strength be.' Lord, undertake for me in that day ! keep me 
in possession of my soul, whatever else I am stripped of." 

" Thus also a modern true disciple will be instructed, and 
will say, — I (as well as the disciples of old) must meet with 
many things that nothing but faith and patience can meet ; 
here is my text : what have I lost already for want of study- 
ing it ! what did I lose on this occasion, and that, by first losing 
myself! 

"Under losses, temptations, persecutions, how much more 
have I lost by first losing my temper and patience, than by the 
things which disturbed me ! Now let me look at Christ, exem- 
plifying his own rule in life and death. Let me see his first 
followers and martyrs, in every age, treading in his steps ! I 
feel, if I were only right within, all would be tolerable without. 
Grant me but faith and patience, and do what thou wilt with 
the world about me. 

" Thus we see, that it is easy to say to a man in trouble, — 
' be patient, be quiet ;' — but the word of God, and the grace of 
God alone can make him so. Christ shows the ground, and 
gives the ability, (see ver. 18, 19,) and this will meet the events 
of eternity as well as time." Application :— 

" Let the peevish children of an indulging Providence learn, 
from this subject, to correct their habits— (a nursery of children 
raging on every denial or disappointment, compared with too 
many professing families) husbands — wives — children — servants 
— addressed particularly. One Christian possessing his soul 
among them, a light in a dark place. Who is this ? What is 
his secret ? 

" 2. Look to Jesus to give efficacy to his own rule. The text is 
not only a holy feature in Christianity, but also a very grand one. 

" Illustration — a rock in storms. 

" ' His hand the good man fastens on the skies, 
And bids earth roll, nor feels her idle whirl.' 



138 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" But if he does so, it is not merely because lie has the 
but also the spirit. Instance, Paul — 'Not I, but the grace of 
God which is in me ; Moses — ' By faith he endured as seeing 
him who is invisible.' 

" Contemplate, therefore, the example of Christ, but pray for 
strength from Christ. 

" 3. He that is now enabled to possess his soul in patience, 
shall eventually possess all things." Heb. vi. 12, 19. 

In the beginning of October, Mrs. Hawkes left Portsmouth, 
and joined Mrs. Cecil at Battersea Rise. The late Henry 
Thornton, Esq. had kindly offered the use of his house, during 
an interval in which it was vacant, to Mr. Cecil's family; and 
in this quiet retreat Mrs. Hawkes enjoyed much repose : while 
there, she received a letter from Mrs. Ely Bates, from which the 
following is an extract : — 

" Very glad was I to hear that Mrs. Cecil was at Clapham : 
but still more am I glad to find that you are with her, and do- 
ing for her the only thing that, as a means, could be useful to 
her. Surely you are a gift of God to her in her very delicate 
state : — may His blessing accompany your labor of love. It is 
a delightful thing to feel ourselves in His order ; a single touch 
then has effect ; while much that is wrought, with perhaps great 
labor out of it, comes to nothing. This shows what poor judges 
we are of usefulness. The world is linked together (as far as 
union prevails,) by wants and kindnesses. But that there should 
be such a link between heaven and earth, ought to penetrate 
our hearts with adoration and gratitude ! Methinks it ought to 
give us another view of this world than we often have, to be- 
hold a ladder reaching from it to heaven ! It is not a forsaken 
world : we stand related to infinite perfection and excellence ; 
and this involves in it such a seed of happiness and glory, as 
only wants developing, to raise our hopes and joys above sub- 
lunary objects. This would really infuse gladness, raise expec- 
tation, and draw forth the soul to action — to follow hard after 
God. O that it may do so !" 



Mr. Cecil has remarked, that we may judge of a Christian's 
experience rather by the tenor., than the ferm.ent. The next 
three or four years of Mrs. Hawkes' life, seem to accord with 
the latter description. The reader must be prepared to con- 
template her as passing under a cloud. The sorrowful im- 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 139 

pressions which her trials produced, were perhaps too great, 
when viewed in connection with the Scripture admonition, " and 
they that weep, as though they wept not." 1 Cor. viii. 30. — 
We shall presently see her emerging from this cloud, and 
shining with a steady brightness to the end of her course. — 
There is a tendency in troubles and disappointments, at first, 
to surprise and overset the mind ; though, when sanctified, they 
ultimately lead to rest in Christ, the true ark. Nor can the 
greatness of suffering be always estimated by the apparent 
cause ; the impression it makes upon the mind of the sufferer 
must be taken into the account. When under the immediate 
pressure of affliction, we are apt to suppose, with Job, that our 
"wound is incurable." (Chap, xxxiv. 6.) Corrupt nature 
naturally inclines to fret, and rise up against trouble in every 
form ; — and there must be time for an afflicted mind, which, 
like the mariner's needle, under agitation, loses its fixed direc- 
tion, to recover from such disturbance. Every painful dispen- 
sation is like a fresh task in the heavenly school. Hezekiah 
seems to have felt this when he said, " Like a crane or a swal- 
low, so did I chatter ; I did mourn sore like a dove." But after 
more calm reflection, he asks, "What shall I say?" what is 
faith's estimate ? " He hath both spoken to me, and himself 
hath done it ; O Lord, by these things men live, and in all 
these things is the life of my spirit." The afflictions, conflicts, 
and temptations, through which the children of God are called 
to pass, produce not only patience, but also gain experience, and 
acquaintance with the inward evils of the heart ; which design 
is intimated, Deut. viii. 2. When reflecting upon the pain with 
which this experience has, sometimes, been wrought out in 
others, we may perhaps think, that in similar circumstances, we 
should have felt less, mourned less, repined less ; but it should 
be remembered, that the measure of suffering attendant on any 
dispensation, is a part of the appointment ; and that God regis- 
ters the believer's conflict and sufferings, as real. Ps. lvi. 8. 

We now return to Mrs. Hawkes' diary, in which few inser- 
tions had lately been made. Probably she did not choose to 
put down on paper what so greatly oppressed her mind : — 

Jan. 1798, Little James Street. — "I would endeavor this 
year to resume the use of my common-place book : but my 
mind yet continues too much disturbed to make any connected 
reflections. Through the year 1797, I have had so many 
waves to struggle with, as to be scarcely able to keep my head 
above water ; and though the swelling of the flood a little sub- 
sides, yet I am still upon an unknown and deep sea. — ' Fearful- 
ness and trembling are come upon me.' 



140 MEMOIRS OP MRS. HAWKES. 

" I am thankful that my faith is not suffered entirely to fail. 
I sometimes lay hold of a promise, like a child in a dark night, 
who seizes the parent's hand which he cannot see ; and his fears 
make him grasp it harder. Were my faith stronger, I should 
have fewer fears : but to be enabled to lay hold of God's al- 
mighty arm at all, is an infinite mercy. If his * rough wind 
were not stayed in the day of the east wind,' surely my spirit 
must fail under its great sorrows. 

" I never expected to understand, as I now do, what persons 
in trouble meant by disliking letters. My whole frame shakes 
at the sound of a post-knock, lest there should be some sad 
tidings for me. O that I had grace to understand that pro- 
mise : ' He shall not be afraid of evil tidings, his heart is fixed, 
trusting in the Lord.' ' He only lives an unchangeable life, that 
by faith can live on an unchangeable God.' " 

Feb. 10. — '"When my father and my mother forsake me, 
the Lord taketh me up.' This I am sure has been my expe- 
rience. In a dreadful tempest that has swept away all my 
pleasant things, God has graciously provided a shelter for me, 
and found me the kindest parents, brothers and sisters, friends, 
in the whole world. Nothing can equal the tenderness I ex- 
perience every hour of the day in this Christian house. I am 
ashamed and confounded that I am not more thankful : — that 
my heart so steals to its former much-loved haunts. How 
many have my afflictions, without my mercies ! 

" When I would comfort myself against sorrow, my heart is 
faint in me. 

" my sweet home ! — my lovely fields ! — my secret cham- 
ber ! How often have I fled like an affrighted bird to your sa- 
cred retirement ! — how often poured out tears of anguish, and 
received comforts which the world could neither give nor take 
away ! 

" I thought' myself more secure in my home, because it was 
given me in a time of deep trouble, and in answer to many 
prayers : — because, in the best manner I could, I dedicated it to 
God ; and promised that, as far as I could ensure, it should 
never be made the reception of the gay and the giddy. 

" Witness, ye solitary walks ! ye walls and beams of my 
chamber ! if I took any delight in you equal to that of holding 
sweet intercourse with an unseen, but to me, gracious and pres- 
ent God and Saviour ! My pleasures were sacred pleasures ; 
and such as made large amends for many troubles. I had 
much leisure, but always found the day too short for my em- 
ploy. Beloved spot ! how can I bear the thought of giving it, 
up ! my imagination visits every corner, — counts every pane of 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 141 

glass ; nothing Is too minute to be remembered. Rather let 
my recollection retrace my former dedication, when I first took 
possession of that retreat, and mark with shame my deviations. 
" Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save ; 
neither his ear heavy, that he cannot hear.' 

" I endeavor to call to remembrance some of my bitter things 
at Holloway. I had many, very many ; — but the bitter was so 
much sweetened by manifold mercies, that I ought to have felt 
nothing but thankfulness : whereas, I often murmured. 

" Great trials prove what strength we have. I have been 
greatly deceived in myself herein ; and have thought far more 
highly of myself than I ought to think : for I thought, that 
because I was enabled to weather the trials and troubles I then 
had with some degree of courage, and even through all, gener- 
ally, to go on my way rejoicing, that I did great things ; and 
that whatever might befal, I should never be cast down, or 
affrighted. But now where is my strength ? It is very weakness. 
Now where is my triumph ? I am become dumb. Evermore 
after this, I must lay my hand upon my mouth. It is easy 
to be joyous in sunshine. I fear 1 have been very prone to self- 
conceit and high-mindedness. 

" The flesh is ready to cry out, ' It is hard :' such a one, and 
such a one, is exempt from my afflictions : they dwell among 
their own people, and can lie down at night upon their own pil- 
low, none making them afraid. But woe be to me, if after all the 
experience I have had, Satan prevails to make me think my 
Saviour a hard master. No ! whom he loveth he chasteneth. 
It is not for a sinner to say, Why may I not have this or that ? 
and therefore it is not for me. My afflictions are far less than I 
deserve, and my mercies far above my highest expectations. 

" Never say, I have no propensity to this or that particular 
failing, — stay, till that trial or temptation comes, to prove it. 

" In recollecting seasons and scenes that are. past, the pleas- 
ant things only are present to the mind ; the painful are forgot- 
ten, or leave but a slight impression. The conviction of this, 
should moderate present grief." 

Mrs. Hawkes' reverting in these memorandums to the joys 
she possessed, as well as to the sorrows she endured, at Hol- 
loway, suggests the reflection, that perhaps one of the designs 
which God has in afflicting his people, is to cause them to con- 
sider wisely of his past dealings with them. Every mitigation 
of suffering, towards a creature who deserves hell, every good 
with which evil is intermixed, demands that ' sacrifice of praise 
to God continually,' which is * the fruit of our lips.' This sacri- 
fice we must on no account withhold under any pressure of 



142 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

affliction ; for let the sufferings of the present time be as great 
as they may, still, ' It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not 
consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new 
every morning.' But ' no chastisement for the present seemeth 
to be joyous, but grievous ;' it is afterward, that it ' yieldeth 
the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them who are exer- 
cised thereby :' and the subject of this Memoir lived to exem- 
plify this special benefit of affliction in an eminent degree. 

Mrs. Hawkes' diary contains many passages abounding in 
expressions of gratitude towards that family in which she was 
now residing. Such passages would have been withheld from 
the public, did not justice to the sentiments of Mrs. H. require 
that they should not be wholly omitted. And it is to be re- 
membered that those whom they principally concern, are re- 
moved beyond the reach of human applause. 

March 17, 1798. — "David says, I said in my haste, All 
men are liars.' Is it not in my haste that I am ready to say, 
' All my pleasant things are taken away ; I shall see no more 
comfortable days V Yes, it is surely in haste ; for my pleasant 
things are not all taken away. I have yet the precious Gospel ; 
I have still the kindest and truest friends ; I have, even under 
present darkness, a blessed prospect of an eternal home : I have, 
then, far more cause for praise than for mourning. 

" It is a most singular favor that I should, at this time, 
be admitted into this family. As my mind has a thousand se- 
cret avenues to pain, so my dearest friends have a thousand 
kind devices to avert its approach : so much delicacy of appre- 
hension, so much refined generosity, so much true parental re- 
gard, I should never have dared to expect. Behold, ' this is 
the Lord's doing,' and it is truly marvellous in my eyes. May 
I never forget the first, sovereign, and bountiful Disposer, — nor 
be unmindful of the willing hands that dispense his goodness." 

March 25, Little James Street. — "How hidden are the 
feelings of an afflicted mind ! How far from being understood 
by the gross or the hard ! 

" I received exquisite comfort to-day, because my kindest 
friends semed unwilling I should accept an invitation to spend 
the day out; and because they repeatedly charged me to 
' make haste home.' What ! said my yearning heart, have I 
then yet a home ? Have I, in the wide world, such as really 
care for me ? May every poor desolate creature find such a 
home, and such comforters ! and may such kindness be return- 
ed a thousand-fold into their own bosoms ! If a cup of cold 
water, given in Christ's name, or for his sake, shall not lose its 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 143 

reward, what reward shall be given for the ' oil and the wine' 
that is given me in such abundance ?" 

March 24. — " Some very valuable friends in town show me 
much kindness. Sympathy and tenderness is truly all that is 
worth desiring in this poor world. At least there is nothing 
else, of earthly growth, so desirable ; nor is this of earthly 
growth, for I never saw it firm, uniform, unremitting, but 
when it grew from a divine stock, and had its root in religion. 

" My revered minister remarked yesterday : 

" ' In affliction, be careful not to go over your troubles alone. 
It is very hurtful to look on trouble but as you look on God in 
Christ at the same time. Peter took his eye off Christ, and 
looked at the waters, and immediately he began to sink. 

" ' The Christian, like his Master, must overcome the world ; 
and one method of doing so, is to submit to painful dispensa- 
tions with patience and resignation, — ' Looking to Jesus.' 

" ' In difficult times, our care concerning the events of the day 
should be swallowed up in a care about the duties of the day. 

" ' To be under trouble, and to know how to act under trou- 
ble, is a distinct thing. Christ teaches us how to receive the 
cup of suffering. He says, ' learn of me ;' see how I took a cup 
more bitter than you can have. I was to drink it in darkness, 
and under my Father's frown. Every Christian may tell to God 
his tale of woe, which no ear besides may hear. The most severe 
sufferings often arise from causes w r hich cannot be told even to 
the nearest friend ; interior, deep, inexorable. But this should 
suffice : — ' I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction ;' that 
is, made thee a choice one.' " 

During Mrs. Hawkes' abode at Mr. Cecil's house, she gene- 
rally passed a part of the summer either in the Isle of Wight — 
where Mr. Hawkes occasionally resided — or with Mrs. Jones, at 
Birmingham. In the following letter, Mrs. Jones expresses the 
pleasure with which she was now anticipating her sister's visit ; 
and, at the same time, endeavors to direct Mrs. Hawkes' views 
to the bright side of her present dispensation. She writes : 

" I am glad to think that one more fortnight will bring my 
loved sister to my house ; though I also know, that the pleasure 
of our meeting depends wholly upon Him who governs contin- 
gencies. The want of his presence, no earthly enjoyment could 
supply : but we will look in faith for future favors, since past 
mercies have been so bountifully afforded. A daily increase in 
faith and love, is what my soul longs for ; and I hope we shall 
mutually strive for the faith of the gospel. 

" Amidst all the storms through which you are passing, I am 
glad to hear that you hold so firmly to your anchor. May no 



144 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

tempestuous blast be permitted to wrest you from it. It is a 
happy thing to be kept from choosing, to which we are all nat- 
urally inclined ; and we have often much cause to repent of 
our choice. Your heavenly Father knoweth what things you 
have need of, and therefore he has determined for you ; and 
sure I am it is his gracious intention to make you happy in the 
lot of his appointment. How unfavorably soever your tem- 
poral affairs may have seemed to terminate, their grand and 
final termination is within the veil, and will be made fully man- 
ifest when Christ appears in his glory. Then, my dear sister, 
shall the saints put on their beautiful garments. Our Saviour 
appeared as ' a man of sorrows' all the time that he sojourned 
here below. He was poor, destitute, without habitation, or 
where to lay his head. Oh, how differently do men and an- 
gels look upon the same object. May the spiritual eye of my 
beloved sister be so enlightened by the Holy Ghost, that she 
may say, Most gladly do I proceed in this sanctified and holy 
walk, in which Christ, and so many of his disciples, have 
gone before me. 

" ' I cannot express the consolation it gives me, to think of 
the kind hands which have been already stretched out to re- 
ceive you. May you never experience the want of such a sister 
and mother as dear Mrs. Cecil ; nor lose the aid of such a 
father and friend as Mr. Cecil. You have the security of God's 
attributes for all things needful for life and godliness. He can 
never waut the modes of conveyance, who has all nature at his 
beck. If he says, ' Behold thy mother, or thy sisters,' — a home 
is provided. 

" ' How is all glorying taken from the creature, under every 
display of Divine condescension ! When the love of God in 
Christ Jesus rises as the glorious sun, dispelling with its power- 
ful beams, all the fogs of sin, and mists of corruption, we are 
ready to look at the spot upon which it shines, as if that pos- 
sessed some superior excellence. No, — the earth is still an 
earthly clod ; if it is made more fruitful in one spot than an- 
other, it is entirely owing to the vivifying influence of the ce- 
lestial fire. 

" ' How kind is Mr. Newton to hail you on your way ! So 
diffusive, and ready to communicate, are men of Christian 
love : but theirs is a poor society to the ' general assembly' 
which awaits you. With such prospects let us rejoice ever- 
more !'" 

Mrs. Jones here refers to the fact, that Mr. Newton being 
at Mr. Cecil's house, and hearing, while at dinner, that Mrs. 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 145 

Hawkes was confined to her bed with illness, immediately rose 
up, saying to Mrs. Cecil, " You should have told me before," 
(meaning- before dinner.) And he then proceeded directly to 
the apartment where Mrs. Hawkes was, and falling on his 
knees, offered up prayers for her. When he returned to the 
dining-room he observed, — " Great characters are not made by 
walking on carpets." 

Mrs. Hawkes passed the months of May, June, and July, 
at Mrs. Jones' house. She thus records, in her diary, the 
satisfaction procured to her by this visit : — 

Birmingham, May, 1Y98. — " Surely mercy and goodness 
follow me in every place ! The kindness of my dear sister, 
and her whole family, is greater to me now than ever. I plainly 
see that she consults my comfort, morning, noon, and night. 
I have escaped many things in this journey, and in this place, 
which I had great reason to fear. Oh that I could live by the 
day, and care less about to-morrow ! But still the morrow, 
and the morrow, will come like a heavy burden. My mind 
and spirits are here greatly relieved by leisure, reading, and 
quiet." 

Mrs. Hawkes' society was so much valued by all at Little 
James Street, that her occasional absence became a subject of 
regret : this is naturally expressed in a letter that followed her 
to Birmingham, in which Mrs. Cecil writes : — 

" ' I was greatly unhinged by the departure of my dearest 
sister ar«d friend, and wandered about from room to room, I 
knew not why, saying, ' Where is Mrs. Hawkes V Nor are 
these feelings peculiar to me only ; but your absence is deeply 
felt by all around me. The harps of my little ones hang on 
the willows : they say, ' Mamma, when will Mrs. Hawkes come 
back V I tell them she had leave to go only for one month ; 
she will soon be here again. 

" ' Since you have been away, Mr. C. and myself have been 
planning to make your abode with us more comfortable than 
it has hitherto been, from the want of a spare bed-room. We 
have made an arrangement, and the carpenters are now at 
work, and before your month is expired, your room will be 
completed, and will stand solitary till you return to occupy it. 
Your comfort has always been dear to me : but I must ever 
despair of affording you the interesting and improving society 
which you find in Mrs. Jones ; neither can I afford you equal 
quiet. Mr. Newton sends his love, and desires me to say he 
stands to his promise. Mr. Pratt also sends love • and I have 
so much to send you from every one here, children and ser- 



146 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

vants, that I am afraid I should tire you by particularizing *. 
but ' love is a present for a mighty king.' I should say, as I 
was desired, that part of the regard is expressed in a wish for 
your return, which will ever be the desire of, 

" Your truly affectionate, 

"J. Cecil." 

Mrs. Hawkes now felt very desirous to undertake some em- 
ployment, which might prevent her from becoming wholly de- 
pendent on her friends and relatives. This subject, among 
others, occasioned her much solicitude. She had, at one time, 
thoughts of opening a boarding-school : but there were many 
difficulties in the way, peculiar to her case. Whether she al- 
ludes, in her next memorandum, to this subject, or to the still 
perplexed state of her family affairs, is not certain. 

June, 1798. — " A letter to-day, respecting future prospects, 
has hurried together a host of cares and anxieties. I can only 
say, with Jehoshaphat, ' Mine eyes, Lord, are upon thee ;' — 
upon thee to direct — to support — to overrule — to protect. I 
would fain ask something ; but I am so perplexed, so confused, 
so much in the dark, that I know not what to ask. ' O Lord, 
I am oppressed, undertake for me.' 

"When I look at what I have to conflict with, from without 
and from within, my spirit sinks, and fear almost overwhelms 
me. Yet why should I despond, since it is in weakness that 
my Saviour makes known his strength. It is in difficulties that 
his wisdom is exhibited. ' Now, Lord, make it appear that 
thou faintest not, neither art weary ; and that nothing can stand 
before thee, and be my hinderance. Break through my sins, 
the greatest hinderance of all ; let not these stop thy way, nor 
bind thy hands ; I do look to thee, O Saviour ; help, I am in 
trouble. 7 "* 

July, 1*798. — "Through infinite mercy my path begins, in 
some degree, to brighten after a cloudy day. Every i heart 
knoweth its own bitterness.' None but the benighted traveller 
knows how dreary and fearful darkness makes a journey, espe- 
cially if the road be full of pits and precipices ; and none but 
he can tell the comfort of a little ray of light." 

From Mrs. Jones' house, Mrs. Hawkes went to Weatheroak- 
Hill, near Birmingham, the estate of her brother-in-law, Mr. 
Mynors. There she spent a few weeks, before taking her jour- 
ney to the Isle of Wight, at which place we find her imme- 
diately after the next memorandum. 

* Archbishop Leighton. 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 179G TO 1802. 147 

Weatheroak-Hill, August 1, 1798. — " Much kindness shown 
me here. It has been well said, ' Retirement tells us what we 
should be, but active life tells us what we are.'' The truth of 
this I now fully prove. I did, indeed, learn in my former de- 
lightful seclusion what I should be ; but I did not know how 
distant from the mark I was. I was so ignorant of myself as 
to think, that, what I was there, I should be everywhere. I 
thought I bore very calmly and courageously, the daily vexa- 
tions and difficulties that occurred; and remember to have often 
felt, that whatever might happen, want, pain, or sorrow, I could 
meet with composure. I recollect to have frequently repeated 
many texts of Scripture, relating to a suffering state (of which 
I then knew comparatively little,) as if I was in full possession 
of the secret. But now, how is it with me ? How do I bear 
my bereavement, disappointment, difficulty, dark and desolating 
prospects ? How do I bear the crossing of my will '{ How do 
I feel under a state of dependence, and a mountainous load of 
obligation ? How do I conduct myself in more active life ? Do 
I take care to maintain secret prayer through my employment ? 
This is the breath of the soul, which, when stopped, it dies. 
Do I perform what I have to do cheerfully ? Are my tempers 
meek, gentle, and holy ? or have I not rather a ' stiff neck'' and 
4 an iron sinew V Do I behave to all with patience and hu- 
mility ? If I cannot take pleasure in my dispensation, do I yet 
fully submit and acquiesce therein, and say, ' The Lord gave, and 
the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord?' 
Conscience, what of the night ? ' Behold, I am vile, what shall 
I answer thee ? I will lay my hand upon my mouth.' " 

Coives, August 20, 1798. — "This is a new place. I am here 
like a sparrow on the house-top. I sit all the day alone. I 
see a beautiful scene all around me, and numerous faces ; some 
sad, and some gay : but nothing speaks to my heart. 

" I seem like one shipwrecked, but have a single plank left, 
which just serves to keep me from sinking. This, from the 
darkness of the night, I can only, as it were, feel after. Some- 
times, when I have just got to it, a wave carries it away. "What 
an unspeakable mercy it is to have a plank, and to be assured 
it shall save at last !" 

While at Cowes, Mrs. Hawkes received a letter from Mr. 
Cecil, in which he writes as follows : — 

" Past 8 o'clock on Saturday evening, and, weary with ser- 
monizing, I take a resting moment to say, that, though we are 
far asunder, I have communion with you in spirit. We are 
begotten to the same high and inestimable privileges : we shall 



148 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

soon escape from a world of sin and sorrow. I meet you also 
at a throne of grace, where the foot of the ladder stands ; and 
though, as you know, seemingly very cheerful, yet I have my 
melancholy abstractions, when the world, and all it has to offer, 
appear not only illusions, but tasteless and impertinent to the 
last degree. You, I know, well understand this ; and are too 
ready to meet me here. But, ' Hence, loathed melancholy,' as 
Milton says : ' Why should the children of a king go mourning 
all their days V We have ten thousand times more cause for 
rejoicing than for mourning, and shall soon meet where it shall 
cease forever. 

" I am deeply impressed with this truth, — that there is but 
one subject worth conversing upon, — namely, that Jesus Christ 
is the true God and eternal life ; and that having given himself 
for us, he will withhold from us nothing that is good. 

" And now, pray what is Holloway ? what is anything ? 
who would get up to a window to look after dirt ? I will not 
waste any more time and paper with so much as conversing 
about it. 

"Let -me advise you to consider your case the more easy, 
because it is so difficult. Easy things we are ready to under- 
take ourselves, and find we cannot manage them ; difficult 
things we are forced to leave, or commit to God, and thus find 
them easy. JNTow, by this logic, (which I believe to be very 
sound,) I have proved that you are a woman in easy circum- 
stances. 

" I hope your next letter will be to assure us you are coming 
back soon. My wife desires me to scold you for staying so 
long, and to say how very solitary she is without you ; and this 
I know is what she really feels. She joins me in the warmest 
expressions of regard." 

Mrs. Hawkes had not been long at Cowes before she was 
refreshed by the company of a female friend and relative, Miss 
Mary Milward, a young lady of eminent piety, who has since 
been called to her rest, after a long and honorable Christian 
course, maintained under severe bodily sufferings. It is to her 
coming, that Mrs. Hawkes refers in the next memorandum : — 

" I look out with earnest expectation for M. M. — I shall, in 
her, have a friend to whom I can speak, and who understands 
my language. How great the value of that friend that reads 
the heart, and will not withhold anything that can be desired 
that is good ! If I had more intimate acquaintance with my 
Saviour, I should not be so solitary in the absence of other 
friends." 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1790 TO 1802. 149 

Cowes, Sunday, Sept. 2. — "Oh what Sundays are here! 
"What a church where Christ is nut preached ! Desolation of 
desolation ! What can flourish where there is no living- wa- 
ter ? Who can be healed where there is no Bethesda ? Now, 
surely, I know something of David's state of mind when he 
wrote the 84th Psalm. What should I do if it were to please 
God to separate me forever from his church and people ? O 
heaviest of all calamities ! It would only be according to my 
deserts : but correct me in mercy, Lord, and not in judg- 
ment." 

Sept. 15. — " Much benefited by reading over the notes of 
one of Mr. Scott's sermons, on Isaiah vi. ' Under a view of our 
vileness, there is danger of despair : but God only humbles his 
children in order to raise them. 

" ' The prophet had no sooner felt the weight of his iniquities 
in a proper degree, than they were taken away. ' Then flew 
one of the seraphims unto me, having a live coal in his hand, 
and said, Lo, this hath touched thy lips, and thine iniquity is 
taken away.' 

" ' We should learn the lesson of the day ; — The prophet's 
lesson was humility, not despondency. — This is my lesson for 
this day, Sept. 15, 1798, — humiliation, not despondency ; res- 
ignation and silence, not impatience ; a calm waiting upon 
God ; not quarrelling with his dispensation — though it be ever 
so painful. Not because it is night, to say it will never be morn- 
ing : but to say to my soul, under all, ' Hope thou in God.' 
This has been my lesson many years, but I have not yet learn- 
ed the A' B C of it." 

Sept. 27. — "Too much cannot be said upon the necessity 
and advantage of forming good habits of every kind. But as 
respects the soul, there must be something more than good 
habits. I may be in the habit of praying to God seven times 
a day, and yet my soul will be stupid and dead, unless there 
be a ' new, spiritual, supernatural, vital principle of grace in- 
fused into it by the power of the Holy Ghost ; enabling persons 
in whom it is, to spiritual, supernatural, vital acts of faith.' 

" Under a conviction of neglect, omissions, deadness, I find 
it not enough to resolve upon the greater diligence, and stricter 
observances. This is making the frame a machine; but the 
spring that sets all in motion must be added, or it will be use- 
less work. 

" O thou, who knowest all things, thou only knowest how I 
desire to sit down under thy shadow. O set me as a seal upon 
thine heart, and upon thine arm. Bear up my name, and let 



150 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

me bear thine image. Let nothing separate me from thy love, 
nor for a moment suspend the communications of thy favor !" 

Cowes, Oct. 3, 1*798. — "A day of general rejoicing for Nel- 
son's victory. But while the multitude is engaged in noisy joy, 
how many individuals, like myself, are groaning under some 
private trouble. As for me, I am in deep waters ; my whole 
frame shakes under present storms ; my heart faints under future 
prospects ! O ' lead me to the rock that is higher than I.' 

" One great advantage I find in religion, is, that it gives me 

an object, which is at all times sufficient to occupy my mind ; so 

that when friends are absent, when I feel alone in the great 

universe, religion brino-s me a resource. I remember the time, 

... . 

when, to dissipate my mind, oppressed with sorrow, I ran to 

the theatre, to the public gardens, to company, to anything for 

a moment's ease and freedom from thought. A momentary 

ease indeed ! which in the end increased the weight of my 

burden. I never knew what ease was, till I was taught to 

know and flee to Him who says, ' Come unto me, all ye that 

are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.' And 

though I know but as a babe, yet I do know, He giveth rest 

when none other can." 

Portsmouth, Oct. 30, 1798. — " ' Even to-day is my complaint 

bitter : my stroke is heavier than my groaning.' Job, xxiii. 

My prayer and choice this day, is like that of David, 1 Chron. 

xxi. 13. Out of the different paths which lie before me, I am 

entirely at a loss to know which is the right one. I would not 

consult my own feeling : my desire is to take the consecrated 

path, the path best pleasing to my heavenly Father; for that 

will be the most profitable for me. He is my witness that ' I 

open my cause unto him ;' and, in all my ways I endeavor to 

'acknowledge Him;' and to such He has promised, 'He shall 

direct thy paths.' O that I were more like the importunate 

widow who cried day and night for help. I have need to cry 

day and night for faith in God for the things that pertain to my 

soul ; and faith also in that which belongs to my body. I know 

not one moment to what I may be called the next : trials await 

me which way soever I turn. Oh, that I could, though but in a 

small degree, say with the great apostle, ' None of these things 



Mrs. Hawkes returned to London in November ; and her 
tender sympathies were shortly afterwards called up afresh by 
that dangerous illness with which Mr. Cecil was visited, in the 
winter of 1*798, and which threatened a bereavement to his fam- 
ily and congregation. The incessant attentions of Mrs. H. 



CHAP. IT. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 151 

on this painful occasion, were an unspeakable comfort and re- 
Kef to Mrs. Cecil, who was herself in an invalid state ; and it 
appears by the following memorandum, that Mrs. Hawkes' 
mind became, in a measure, diverted from her own sorrows, 
while she entered deeply into those of others. 

Jan. 1799. — " The beginning of this year is most sorrowful ! 
I now cannot think of my own particular concerns. My time, 
my anxiety, my whole mind is occupied, in the great sufferings 
of this family. I am truly thankful to be so much favored 
as to be an attendant on my revered minister, my father, and 
best friend ; though, indeed, the scene is heart-rending. How 
solemn is a dying-bed ' May I never forget the instructions I 
gain here. I must endeavor to record a gleaning* of the choice 
expressions of Mr. Cecil upon his sick-bed ; but my own feel- 
ings and views, I have neither time nor power to delineate." 

We have however some description of her feelings, expressed 
at this time in a letter to a friend, to whom she writes : — 

" Since my return to town, I have been a sad witness and 
sharer of much sorrow. Our revered minister, and my truest 
friend, has been pronounced, by the physicians, dangerously 
ill : and we have had nothing but death before our eyes. You 
will easily conceive the gloom such an event must shed here ; 
and of the distress of dearest Mrs. Cecil. Such a scene, I never 
before witnessed ! I think myself much honored and privileged, 
in being permitted to assist at this time of need, and I trust 
I shall gain many important lessons. A sick and dying-bed, is 
very instructive and solemn ; and it exhibits most wonderfully 
the reality and worth of true religion. To behold a mind quiet, 
resigned, and comforted, in the most painful circumstances, — is 
a fine sight ! Well might Balaam say, ' Let me die the death 
of the righteous.' And may you and I add, Let me live their 
life, for it is the only happy one." 

This painful dispensation lasted about three months ; at the 
end of which, it pleased God to restore Mr. Cecil to a state of 
convalescence, and enabled him to resume his public ministra- 
tions. In the month of July following, Mrs. Hawkes was again 
called by relative duties to the Isle of Wight The next mem- 
orandum in her diary, seems to have been written on the eve 
of her journey to Portsmouth. 

July, 1799, Little James Street. — "I am now called in prov- 

* The " gleanings' here referred to, have already been given to the 
public in Mr. Cecil's works, under the title, " A Fragment -written in 
Illness." "We are indebted to Mrs. Hawkes for the preservation of 
some remarks made by Mr. Cecil, at a later period, on the subject of 
Hope. [See Appendix.] 



152 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

idence to take my third pilgrimage. I should go with more 
ease of mind, could I leave this family, (to whom I am bound 
by a thousand obligations,) in better health. It is, however, 
an unspeakable mercy that I do not, as I had much feared, 
leave a widow and six desolate children, and a widowed church. 
Farewell, for a season at least, most honored, and most justly lov- 
ed house ! Oh that the dew of heaven may be ever descending 
thereon ! Here I have been made to forget my sorrows ! ' I 
was a stranger, and they took me in,' for the sake of their 
great Master, who, astonishing proof of his love ! condescends 
to say, ' Inasmuch as ye did it to one of these little ones, ye 
did it unto me.' May this gracious Lord reward them a hun- 
dred-fold ; for none other can. May he also pardon my want of 
gratitude to them ; and above all, to Himself, for the great ben- 
efits, the astonishing favors, I have experienced under this 
sheltering roof." 

Cowes, July 9. — " It is with shame I confess, that I cannot 
bring my mind into a proper state of submission, and acquies- 
cence to my present unsettled state of life. My fears are always 
awake ; my apprehensions cannot be quieted. O my gracious 
Saviour, quiet me in thyself: thou hast the power to say, 
' Peace, be still.' My mind is too solicitous about ' the morrow ;' 
but I have been endeavoring to venture myself, by faith, upon 
the deep, mysterious ocean of providence, in the same way that 
I yesterday was necessitated to venture myself, half terrified to 
death, upon a very tempestuous sea, to pass from Portsmouth 
to Cowes. The vessel seemed to be in great danger. We were 
tossed from side to side : sometimes lifted high upon a swelling 
wave, and then suddenly sunk down again into a deep pit. I 
looked round and saw nothing but terror; no escape, nor any 
resource left, but to commit myself to God. 

" Thus would I do while on my present sea of trouble. It is 
true, wave comes after wave ; I see no prospect, no haven on 
this side the grave, no track to be seen, no voice to be "heard! 
But I will endeavor to gain a lesson from my voyage of yester- 
day, and commit myself, and all my concerns to Him, who will 
do, nay who doeth, all things well." 

Cowes, August 4, Sunday. — " To have no longer the privi- 
lege of the comfortable ordinances of the sanctuary, is an afflic- 
tion I know not how to meet. 

" Let me hear thy voice, for sweet is thy voice. 

" let me hear thy pardoning voice, — thy restoring, re- 
covering voice, — thy strengthening, animating voice. Let me 
hear thy voice, as Lazarus, John, xi. 43. Let me hear thy 
voice, as Mary, John, xix. 15, 17. Let me hear thy voice, as 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 153 

the beloved disciple, Rev. i. 17, 18. Let me hear thy voice, as 
thy sheep, John, x. 27. Let me hear thy voice, as I have heard 
it in better days ; for ' sweet was thy voice,' — in the sanctuary 
— in the Bible — in my secret chamber — in many providences 
— in my heart. ' The companions hearken to thy voice ;' cause 
me to hear it." 

In Mrs. Hawkes' diary, there next occurs a reference to Lord 
Duncan's victory at the battle of Camperdown, when the Dutch 
fleet at the Texel surrendered, August 30, 1799. 

" Great rejoicings on account of the surrender of the Dutch 
fleet. That will be a day of truest joy to me when I can make 
a full surrender of my heart, and my will, to its only King and 
Saviour. When the reign of sin has submitted to the reign of 
grace ; when my spiritual enemies, if not driven out, shall be 
made captives, and be bound in chains. And above all, joyful 
day ! when ' death shall be swallowed up in victory,' when 
' this mortal shall put on immortality.' " 

Sept. 1. — " All the time I prayed this morning — which 
through the help of the Holy Spirit, I did with ' strong cries 
and tears,' — I kept shrinking at my owm requests ; for I felt 
even while I asked, that in myself I was neither able, nor willing, 
to bear what I asked. 

"I know, or rather I know not, what it will cost a proud 
heart like mine, to be humbled ; a stubborn high spirit, to be 
broken. The will and the affections are not subdued, without 
being seven times tried, in a furnace seven times heated. I say, 
this and that must take place, if my prayers are answered ; and 
at the this and that, my spirit faints. What then must be 
done \ Shall I cry, spare ? God forbid : rather let me cry, 
strike, if thou seest good. The Lord never willingly afflicts ; 
and if he wounds, he will support and heal. I may safely leave 
myself in the hands of a physician tbat is too wise to err, and 
too compassionate to wound, if there is not a ' needs be. 1 

" ' Father of mercies 1 on me, , 

On me, in affliction, bestow, '. 

A power of applying to thee, — 
A sanctified use of my woe.' 

" It is a very easy thing to go to a physician and state to 
him my complaints, and particular disorder : to tell him that I 
have full confidence in his skill, and in his knowledge of my 
disease, and beg him to undertake my case : but when he pre- 
scribes bitter medicines, severe operations, perhaps amputations ; 
when he enjoins mortifying prohibitions, and lays down hard 

7* 



154 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

rules, it is not then found so easy, as at first it seemed, to yield 
him an implicit obedience. 

" I have let a nauseous medicine stand, day after day, upon 
my chimney-piece, though very ill all the time, rather than en- 
counter the unpleasantness of taking it. Thus it is I deal with 
my heavenly physician : I state my case to him ; I say, unless 
there be a cure, my soul must die. I endeavor to put myself 
unreservedly into his hands. I do this, as far as I am able, sin- 
cerely ; and find comfort in so doing. But when he sends me 
a bitter draught, do I take it ? Do I submit to the pruning- 
knife, and the purifying fire ? Do I observe the prohibitions, 
and follow the rules laid down ? Do I deny myself, and take 
up my cross daily, and follow Christ ! Alas, without this, it is 
but to little purpose to beg for healing. That man deceives 
himself, whose general conduct contradicts his prayers." 

Sept. 3. — " Returned with Mr. H. to Portsmouth. ' Thou 
art most glorified, O my Saviour, in effecting that which no hu- 
man arm can effect. Thy power is best seen in extremities. O 
undertake for me in my present perplexities, and heart-sinkings ! 
O do that for me, which none can do, or would do, but thyself. 
O remember that I am but dust !' " 

Frequent mention has been made of the occasional ill state 
of Mrs. Hawkes' health. From reference to her memorandums 
it appears, that the serious complaint, (a large internal tumor,) 
under which she labored for more than thirty years, began to 
manifest itself, while she was at Portsmouth, in the year 1799. 

Portsmouth, Sept. 10. — " I have this day many sources of 
suffering; apprehensions of distressing bodily complaints, in- 
ward fears, and gloomy prospects as to temporal affairs ; so 
that my head is bowed down like a bulrush. But when I put 
all the sorrows I now have, all I fear, and all that, in this pres- 
ent life, I could be subject to, into one scale, and sin in the 
other, how should I pray and entreat to suffer affliction rather 
than to sin ! ' It is sin, and not suffering, that is the grand 
evil.' 

Mrs. Hawkes returned to London in October. At this pe- 
riod she repeatedly refers in her diary to serious bodily suffer- 
ings. 

Little James Street, Oct. 1799. — "In finding myself re- 
stored to my highly-valued privileges and indulgences, I have 
one source of real grief; namely, lest the deep depression of 
spirits under which I labor, should wear the aspect of discon- 
tent, unthankfulness, or dissatisfaction, with any person or thing 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1*796 TO 1802. 155 

in this house. It is true, such are my peculiar bodily suffer- 
ings, and so dark my present prospects, that ' my soul abhors 
its dainty meat.' I say of life, 'I loathe it,' Job, vii. 16. I am 
peevish and fretful, even to my dearest friends ; I am conscious 
that this chiefly arises from an unhumbled s|3irit. Something 
may, perhaps, be allowed to a very trying disorder, but still sin 
lies at the bottom. From this dearly-loved family, I meet with 
nothing but constant forbearance. But were the love of all 
my earthly friends concentrated in one heart, that heart would 
soon be worn out with a thousandth part of the provocation and 
inattention, my Saviour daily bears with from me." 

Nov. 1799. — " My ill health, and depressed spirits, make me 
a burden to myself and all about me. It is in such sufferings 
as these that I long to hide myself, and my complaints, in ob- 
scurity. If I had more faith, I should be more patient, and 
content, and thankful, in every place, and especially in this. 
Oh that I might be called to that only home, where sin, sick- 
ness, or sorrow, shall never enter I" 

Little James Street, Dec. 3, 1799. — " My sufferings of body 
are very peculiar and threatening. While I appear in health, 
I am undergoing the sharpest pains, often unknown to any but 
myself. These sufferings, sad to say, make me peevish and 
impatient. Surely, nowhere in this world shall I find friends 
that will endure, and overlook, such manifold and manifest 
faults, as my beloved ones here ; so true do I find it that love 
* beareth all things.' Instead of the reproof I merit, I meet 
pity and sympathy. How merciful is my appointment !" 

Dec. 30. — " Much of the last month seems lost ; no spiritual 
life or improvement. Lord, help me to examine what worm is 
at the root, to cause this withering. Alas ! it is soon discovered. 
'The heart is deceitful above all things: who can know it?' 
Worm after worm is working evil ; and among the worst, is 
impatience? 

Justice to Mrs. Hawkes requires the remark, that these in- 
ward risings of impatience, which, on close self-examination, 
might be sensible to her own mind, were not, as she feared, 
manifested in her outward deportment, which was sweet, hum- 
ble, and winning. True resignation and thankfulness were 
inwardly struggling against depression and repining; and these 
graces were, finally, victorious. In the next extract, written a 
few weeks after, her mind appeal's led to a more cheerful and 
settled apprehension of God's goodness to her, and of the gra- 
cious dispositions which her dispensation was intended to 
promote. 

Wednesday, Jan. 1, 1800.— ^' If the Lord were pleased to 



156 MEMOIRS OF MRS. IJAWKES. 

kill us, he would not have received a burnt-offering and a meat- 
offering at our hands, neither would he have showed us all these 
things, nor would he, as at this time, have told us such things 
as these.' Judges, xiii. 2, 3. 

" Under my present gloomy fears and apprehensions, I will 
recollect the mercies I have received from the Lord's hand. 
Mercies so innumerable that I cannot count them. To say noth- 
ing of the preceding year, what mercies have I been favored 
with in the last three dark years of my life. 

" If the Lord were pleased to leave me to sink in these deep 
waters, would he have showed me such unspeakable favors ? 
Would he have said to one of the best and kindest of his under- 
shepherds, Take this poor weak sheep, and screen her from 
the destroying blast : comfort her in her sorrows : counsel her 
in her difficulties; and pour oil and wine into her wounds. 
Surely, this is the Lord's doing, who hath said, ' When thou 
passest through the waters I will be with thee ; and through 
the rivers, they shall not overflow thee ; when thou walkest 
through the fire, thou shalt not be burned ; neither shall the 
flame kindle upon thee.' ' He stayeth his rough wind in the 
day of the east wind.' * Why art thou cast down, my soul ? 
Hope thou in God.' 

" But while on one leaf I mark down what I receive, so I 
also would note what I pay, on the other. What do I ' render 
unto the Lord for all his benefits V How have I showed forth 
his praise, or what mention have I made of his goodness ? How 
have I improved my high privileges % How have I conducted 
myself towards my best friends, and kindest benefactors ? What 
proportion does my obedience, gratitude, and faith, bear to my 
obligations thereto ? The only answer to these inquiries is, ' He 
putteth his mouth in the dust, if so be there may be hope.' 
Lam. hi. 29." 

Feb. 1800. — "I have one great mercy to be thankful for at 
this time, namely, that my health is improved. Oh that the 
health of my soul may not only keep pace, but far exceed, that 
of my body ! If I know my own heart, and am not totally 
deceived, my first wish and greatest anxiety, is not so much 
respecting my perishing body, or my temporal concerns — per- 
plexed and distressed as they are, — as about the concerns of 
my never-dying soul !" 

In the month of June following, Mrs. Hawkes was called, as 
usual, in the summer, to the Isle of Wight. She thus expresses 
her feelings, in the prospect of losing, for a time, the advan- 
tages she derived from public ordinances, as well as private 
friendship : — ■ 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 157 

Sunday, June 22, 1800. — "A most sorrowful Sabbath to 
me ! Sorrowful on account of leaving my much-loved place of 
worship ; sorrowful to lose my best and kindest friends ; sor- 
rowful on many other accounts. ' Give us help in trouble, for 
vain is the help of man.' " 

These apprehensions were, however, unexpectedly relieved. 
In the course of this visit, she was brought under the ministry, 
and favored by the friendship, of the Rev. John Newton, who 
was at Southampton, when Mrs. Hawkes arrived at that place, 
— which we learn from the following memorandum in her 
diary : — 

Southampton, June 24. — " I am here greatly favored by 
the kind notice of that eminent servant of God, the Rev. John 
Newton. His conversation, and his sermons, partake of the 
same holy, dependent, child-like spirit. I trust I shall be per- 
mitted to make some stay in this place, while such advantages 
are afforded me." 

June 29. — " This is the fourth year of my being a wanderer ! 
of my being peculiarly the subject of many fears, and secret 
sorrows. I should, no doubt, have many trials of other kinds, 
if I had a home ; and I endeavor to count them over, and to 
bear them in mind, in order to lessen my too anxious wish for 
one. Yet, after all, my foolish heart replies, None know the 
value of a home but they that have lost one. When the habits 
are fixed, and a person has been used to their own customs 
and ways, it is not easy to change them. But how much more 
should I have felt this, but for some special favors which have 
been granted me !" 
• July, 1800. — "My heart is torn by many sorrows, known 
only to myself. It is of no avail to tell them to any but God. 
I wish I could speak to Him more, and to creatures less, about 
my troubles. ' Cast thy burden on the Lord.' • 

" The Lord calls for our burdens, he would not have us op- 
pressed with them ourselves ; but roll them over on him. 
The desires that are breathed forth in prayer are the very un- 
loading of the heart : each request that goes out carries some- 
what of the burden with it, and lays it upon God. ' Be care-' 
ful for nothing, but in all things make your requests known 
unto God.' Try as many ways as you will, there is no other 
but this which will free you, when in difficulties, from all per- 
plexing thoughts. Though I know this to be true, how very 
backward am I to act upon it." 

Cowes, Sunday, Sept. 7. — " ' How amiable are thy taber- 
nacles, O Lord of Hosts ! My soul longeth, yea, even fainteth, 



158 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

for the courts of the Lord : my heart and my flesh crieth out 
for the living God.' 

" Of all the calamities that could befal me, nothing would be 
so heavy as to be deprived of the precious Gospel. My mis- 
improvement of it for so man}?- years would make such a depri- 
vation a just punishment. But, ' O Lord, correct me in mercy, 
and not in judgment.' " 

Mrs. Hawkes' diary here furnishes an account of a storm 
which took place at this time. 

Portsmouth, Sunday, Nov. 9, 1800. — " This has been an 
awful day ! A most tremendous hurricane, both on land and 
sea. I never saw a more grand, solemn, and distressing scene ! 
Ships breaking from their moorings — others torn from their 
anchor — driven before the wind without hope of escape. 
Poor creatures climbing up the masts of ships, tearing their 
hair in horror from impending danger! even though surrounded 
with boats, which the foaming waves will not suffer to approach 
near enough to receive them. What an unspeakable mercy it 
is to have a friend in the Master of the storm ! who, if he does 
not see good to deliver from death, will graciously deliver in 
death ! How would the knowledge and presence of an Al- 
mighty Friend, lessen the horrors and distraction of these poor 
creatures !" 

One of the painful circumstances to which Mrs. Hawkes was 
exposed by the present varying position of her family affairs, — 
and one which was extremely distressing and unhinging to a 
person of her cast of mind, — was the necessity of continually 
removing from place to place. In the next memorandum she 
expresses her sense of disquietude on this account : — 

Wednesday, 12. — " What a scene of change is my present 
life ! The lodging to which I have this week removed, makes 
the sixth since I left Little James Street. Oh when shall I be 
able to say with the Shunamite, ' I will dwell among mine own 
people.' 2 Kings, iv. 13. 

" My corrupt nature is ready to cry out under my innumer- 
able distresses — ' Is not this hard V But my renewed princi- 
ple answers, No, — for ' whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth ;' 
and therefore, I will say, It is kind. My Saviour is not a hard 
master ; he gives no unreasonable commands ; calls for no un- 
necessary sacrifices ; ' He does not willingly afflict.' If he puts 
me to pain, it is to purify ; if he calls for that of which I have 
said, ' This same shall comfort me,' — it is because I have been 
too much pleased with it. There must be pruning in order to 
bear fruit. John, xv." 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 159 

Monday, Nov. 17, Portsmouth. — "This year, as well as the 
former, I have to mourn over my want of faith, and depend- 
ence. I am apt to say, ' If I could but see my way !' While 
I am, as far as I know, most desirous to walk in that path, and 
abide in that place, which is best pleasing- to God : — I am too 
apt to feel it heavy, and I had almost said hard, (but far be 
such a thought,) that my way is so encompassed with thick 
darkness, — that there is no voice to say, ' This is the way, walk 
ye in it.' 

" One kind friend says, Come hither — another, Come to 
me. But as every place has its peculiar feature, and as I am 
not sufficiently certain as to the path of duty, to be fully at rest 
— so my comfort in any place is greatly disturbed. Perhaps 
I am self-deceived in believing, that if any particular appoint- 
ment were clearly discovered to me, I should rejoice to enter on 
it, and embrace it. Perhaps I am grossly mistaken in thinking 
that I should be happy in any place, (where the Gospel was 
preached,) if I really knew it was the Lord's will I should be 
there. In my earnest desire for a settled home, I am not so 
foolish and unreasonable as to expect one wherein are no thorns. 
In my pleasantest, quietest nest at Holloway, I had some sharp 
ones ; and I think I could still dispense with many, if I might 
but lodge in my Lord's vineyard ; if I might ' go forth by the 
footsteps of the flock, and feed beside the shepherds' tents.' 

" Every time I revisit this place, and every day I spend in 
it, convinces me of the utter impracticability of abiding here. 
I never come here but my heart is overwhelmed, my mind agi- 
tated, and my whole frame shaken. Surely if I were called to 
dwell in this furnace, my call would be made more plain.* 

" O Thou, that knowest my deceitful heart better than I do, 
quiet me in thyself! and enable me, — whether I am a wanderer 
or settled — whether I am in this place or that, — to live every 
moment depending and believing on thee ! looking and resign- 
ing myself to Thee. 

" ' Tenant of my troubled breast, 
Yet a little longer sigh ; 
Death shall shortly give thee rest, 
Fluttering heart, thy rest is nigh. 
Flutter till the strife is o'er, 
Beat awhile, and beat no more.' 

* Mrs. Hawkes here makes a solemn appeal to G-od, as to the insur- 
mountable difficulties attending her residence at Portsmouth — and her 
willingness to endure any trials in the plain path of duty : — but her re- 
maining there, did not, under existing circumstances, appear to be the 
path of her duty. — Ed. 



160 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

Portsmouth, Nov. 23. — "Lately, in having to cross a rough 
sea, my apprehensions of danger were great. I stood trembling 
on the beach some time before I durst venture into the small 
boat that was to convey me to the vessel, at some distance from 
shore. I loured to be safe on board, — having no fear when I 
had once reached the ship : but the surf ran so high, and the 
boat was so tossed, that I expected every moment to be upset. 

" Thus it is with my small and feeble faith, which has innu- 
merable fears, conflicts, temptations, and unbelief, to encounter, 
which, like the waves and billows, threaten its destruction. I 
stand trembling and debating, and fearing, lest during the 
storm, my shallow boat should be overwhelmed, and I should 
sink beneath the waves. I say, ' could I reach my Saviour, I 
should be safe ; but what am I to do in contending with these 
billows V Let me learn from my late experience, that since I 
must venture, it is better to venture at once. Every moment's 
delay only makes the danger appear more formidable, and en- 
feebles hope. Stand not to debate, to tremble, to couut the 
waves, — but with a bold and holy venture, get forward in the 
boat ; and the Blessed Maker who has provided, and graciously 
sent it out, will maintain, defend, uphold, and guide thee safely 
to himself: and remember, nothing is done without a holy 
Venture." 

About the end of November, Mrs. Hawkes left Portsmouth, 
and went to pass some months with Mrs. Jones at Birmingham. 
The following letters \vhich passed between the affectionate sis- 
ters, may interest the reader : — 

From Mrs. Hawkes to Mrs. Jones. 

" I have a longing desire to see my beloved sister, and trust 
that now the way is open for my visiting her shortly. How 
are we comforted, even by an earthly friend, who seems to be 
interested for us ! but that is word of mighty consolation, ' He 
careth for you.' Oh for faith to realize this stupendous truth, 
that our adorable and merciful High Priest is touched with 
the feeling of our infirmities ! ' In all their afflictions he was 
afflicted.' Then, fainting heart, fear not. If I may but be en- 
abled to wrap myself in the mantle of divine compassion and 
love, I shall be safe. 

" I wish I could take more comfort in the consolations you 
offer me in the joys of the crown. Yes, truly, let me have the 
crown, and I shall soon forget all the suffering. But my great 
affair is, to sustain the heat and length of the battle. I feel the 
same when any author, or preacher, enters into a description of 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 1C1 

the joys of heaven ; I am ready to stop them, and say, — you 
need not tell me about these things ; let me once enter, and I 
shall find your description to be poor. But tell me how to en- 
dure here as a good soldier of Jesus Christ ; how to glorify God 
in the furnace ; how to sustain the fire that is necessary to purge 
away the dross ; how to kiss the scourging rod ; — these are the 
lessons I want to learn, and which I trust I am endeavoring to 
learn, although very slowly. ' Tribulation worketh patience ; 
and patience, experience ; and experience, hope,' — ' a hope that 
maketh not ashamed.' Pray for me, my dear sister,, that I 
may have an increasing measure of Hope, as well as of that 
faith that substantiates and realizes eternal things. It is a gift 
that whoever has it, in ever so small a degree, can never, never, 
be thankful enough for ; of which I am fully sensible by my 
own experience. For if I am ever able to live in any degree 
from the most anxious forebodings, from deep depressions, from 
hard and rebellious thoughts of Providence, and continual vex- 
ation of spirit, — it is entirely owing to, and derived from, God 
the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, working that measure of 
faith in my poor faithless heart, which, if left to itself, is that 
moment inundated with every one of these evils. But when 
faith is in exercise, everything is well ; everything is in tune 
for praise and thanksgiving. What a treasure then is faith ! 
Unite with me in prayer that this, and every grace of the Holy 
Spirit, may flourish in the soul of 

" Your affectionate sister, 

"S. H." 

From Mrs. Jones to Mrs. Hawkes. 

"My dearly beloved, — and I may say, — 'longed for,' the 
pleasures we have in prospect appear too slow in their advance ; 
but I will endeavor patiently to wait the day that brings you 
once more to my embrace. I long to hear my dear sister relate 
the gracious dealings of God, her Saviour, through her many 
painful sufferings. That short petition, 'Lord, increase our 
faith !' seems to contain all we want ; but there is a wonderful 
propensity in fallen man to desire to rise by some other way 
than by the simplicity of faith. Jesus knows how to support 
his children ; and none are more abundant in thanksgiving and 
praises than those who drink of the bitter cup. Is it not won- 
derful that we who know his name should ever fear his provi- 
dential dispensations ? ' He cannot deny himself.' Good, is 
written upon all we receive from Him ; but not being written 
according to our language, we cannot read it. O for confidence ! 
unbounded confidence ! 



162 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" The means of increasing our faith are often to us very dark 
and mysterious. But let us remember, we are in a dark world, 
and must feel out our way as we go on ; for often we cannot 
see one step before us. It is surely, my dear sister, worth while 
to suffer, to prove what is the glory of the inheritance in the 
saints ; which glory is wonderfully made manifest in the dark 
days of affliction. God's children, who are made vessels of 
honor, are often chosen in the furnace of affliction, to show to 
the world what is good, and most desirable even in this life. 
When we take a prospect of the good things for ourselves or 
our children, we are apt to look into the world's index, and 
read, health, riches, large houses, servants, tender connections, 
good husbands, wives, children, and many other such like com- 
forts. But when we look at the afflicted servants of God, 
which are monuments erected to his honor, we must turn our 
eyes away from this fair catalogue, and, with the eye of faith, 
take a survey of the believer's inventory. We must direct our 
view to how much there is of God in the soul. One would 
wish that all the world should know what God giveth to his 
children ; and devoutly desire that all of us who bear his name 
might be more transformed into the divine image. 'God 
teaches his children to indulge immense expectations, and to 
realize them in the meanest condition. There is no night too 
dark for a believer to raise his hopes to the brightest prospects.' 

" When we have reached the blessed seat of immortality, 
the city of the living God, we shall remember no more the an- 
guish we suffered in this life. May you, my dear sister, now 
lean by faith upon his breast, who will whisper more than you 
ever yet heard. Farewell. A. J." 

Mrs. Hawkes thus expresses the comfort and repose she felt, 
when arrived at the house of her beloved sister : — 

Crescent, Birmingham, Dec. 1800. — " I most delightfully feel 
this house to be a sweet haven after many storms. I trust the 
poor weather-beaten wreck is sent here for repairs. It has sus- 
tained many a heavy sea, and many a shock ; so as to be often, 
to all appearance, on the very point of sinking. But the great 
Master has been pleased to preserve it amidst many dangers ; 
and has mercifully provided it with delightful harbors, where 
everything that friendship and kindness can devise, is more 
liberally and cheerfully administered. May my heart forget 
past distresses, in thankful remembrance of the undeserved 
mercies and favors, of which I am now made a partaker." 

" I have here, — leisure, quiet, extreme indulgence, and un- 
feigned affection, from my dearest sister and her family." 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1*796 TO 1802. 163 

Jan. 1801. — "This is the first winter I have spent out of 
London for sixteen years : my heart shall ever send a wishful 
look to my spiritual birth-place ; and my memory will ever de- 
light to trace the solemn, interesting moments, with which I 
have been favored in St. John's chapel : when my heart, like 
Lydia's, 'was opened,' and I was, I trust, taught by the Holy 
Spirit, ' to attend to the things that were spoken.' Precious, 
glorious things ! such as are able to make the hearer wise unto 
salvation, through the faith that is in Christ Jesus. I would 
not now repine, though I have the sad prospect of long, and 
frequent interruptions, in my future attendance. But, 'as the 
hart panteth after the water-brooks,' so will my heart pant for 
the restoration of my privileges. 

" When I begin to count up my mercies during the last four 
years, since I have been a wanderer, I am lost in wonder and 
shame. I can neither number the instances of God's amazing 
goodness to me, nor the instances of my amazing ingratitude. 
Surely it may be asked concerning me, ' What could have 
been done more to my vineyard that I have not done in it V 
Alas ! what fruit does my Lord find therein ? It is because his 
compassions fail not, that I am not consumed. Well might he 
say to me, as to the barren fig-tree, ' cut it down, why cum- 
bereth it the ground V Oh that the blessed Saviour may inter- 
cede on my behalf for yet another year of sparing, nurturing 
mercy." 

Mrs. Hawkes writes the next memorandum at the house of 
her sister Minors, where she had gone in consequence of the 
illness of her nephew. After his recovery, she again returned 
for a short time to her sister Jones, previous to an intended 
journey to Portsmouth. 

Snow Hill, Birmingham, Feb. 1801. — "'It is better to go 
to the house of mourning than to the house of feasting.' The 
last month has been spent in nursing my dear nephew. Oh 
that his soul may be bound up in the bundle of life, and the 
soul of his dear mother ! she shows me much kindness, and I 
can, in return, only pray for her and hers. This I have done 
unceasingly ; and have now to offer up praise for the recovery 
of the valuable child. Oh that his life may be spared for God's 
glory, and for the comfort of his affectionate parents !" 

Crescent, Birmingham, April, 1801. — "I must now shortly 
pack up, and be gone ! The last six months have fled away 
like a post. Here I have been made to forget, for a season, 
my deep and numerous troubles. Quiet and leisure, those 
sweet restoratives of the mind and body, I have here been fa- 



164 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

vored with to the full ; yet even these would much lose their 
effect, were it not for that balm of kindness and love, which 
has been given me in addition. Oh how shall I endure to put 
out to sea again, which I must now shortly do ? I shrink at 
the prospect of the adverse winds I must again encounter. 

" ' Hide rae, O my Saviour hide, 
Tih the storm of life is pass'd.' 

" I will, as far as I am enabled, consider that dispensation, 
trial, or affliction, siveet, that brings Christ more sensibly to 
my heart. I have had many deep troubles ; many painful dis- 
appointments ; many unseen but severe sorrows ; — yet not ono. 
of them, increased ten-fold, is so much to be dreaded as the 
suspension of the comforting, life-giving presence of my Sa- 
viour. What it is to ' Come up out of the wilderness, leaning 
on the Beloved ;' no one will ever know but by happy experi- 
ence. And they can best estimate the comfort, who have been 
left to travel over so short a part of the journey alone. 

" My next pilgrimage must be to Portsmouth, a place, very 
uncongenial to my mind ; but it is my path of duty, and that 
is enough. In my way there, I hope for the favor of staying 
a short time in that house, where I have long found a father 
and mother, brothers and sisters, kindred and friends, — all in 
one. Nay more, a counsellor, — a guide, — a faithful minister. 
I would ever bear in mind, that if I have had more troubles than 
many, I have had far more favors than many — and innumera- 
bly more than I deserved, or should have dared to hope for." 

Ma?j, 1801, Little James Street. — "On my return to Lon- 
don, I am again received into this favored house, with the 
kindness which could only be expected from the tenderest 
parents. I cannot be thankful enough for such indulgence. I 
pray that I may ever bear in mind my deep obligations, first, 
to the great and gracious Giver of such mercies, and next to 
those friends indeed, with which few are equally favored. 
Their hospitable door has been opened to receive me without 
any other cause or motive than pity and benevolence; and 
without any seeking on my part, or even an idea of becoming 
their favored inmate. Here I have found delightful shelter, — 
superior society, — the best counsel. And who led them to 
open their hearts and their door ? Even the Father of mer- 



Much is often said concerning the want of benevolence that 
is in the world ; perhaps true gratitude for favors received is 
far more rarely to be met with. Mrs. Hawkes was blessed 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 165 

with a large measure of this gracious and amiable disposition ; 
the illustration of which may be a sufficient reason for insert- 
ing some of those repeated effusions of gratitude, which appear 
in her diary. Her deep humility led her to entirely overlook 
her own affectionate endeavors to promote the welfare and hap- 
piness of Mr. Cecil's family, — every member of which had rea- 
son to feel the strongest sense of obligation to her. 

In the month of July, Mrs. Hawkes accompanied Mr. Cecil's 
family to Chobham in Surrey, soon after Mr. Cecil had accepted 
the livings of Chobham and Bisley. In her next memorandum 
she expresses her joy on beholding the success of the Gospel in 
that place. 

Chobham, July, 1801. — " Nothing can be more interesting 
and delightful than this place. Surely the Lord has an espe- 
cial favor to this spot, by singling it out from surrounding 
places, and planting his gospel iu it. For many years past it 
has remained in darkness and ignorance : but now is that 
promise being fulfilled, ' The wilderness and the solitary place 
shall be glad for them ; and the desert shall rejoice and blossom 
a^ the rose.' I feel it no small privilege to be witness of so 
glorious a work. May my soul feel in a more abundant meas- 
ure, the reviving life-giving influence of that divine breath, 
which is now so evidently felt among these dry bones." 

Mrs. Hawkes had not been at Chobham more than a few 
weeks, when she was attacked by symptoms of so alarming and 
distressing a nature, that it was thought necessary for her to 
return to town for medical advice, and to renounce all thoughts 
of going on to Portsmouth as she had proposed. She travelled 
slowly to London in a horizontal position, and with difficulty 
reached Mr. Cecil's house in Little James Street, where she 
passed the summer under severe suffering, and constant medi- 
cal attendance. Her own memorandums at this period are as 
follow : 

Chobham, August, 1801. — "At the precise period when I 
intended to pursue my journey to Portsmouth, I am arrested 
by an aggravation of my distressing and mysterious complaint, 
which obliges me to return to London for medical help. As to 
the nature of it, I have just cause for fear and alarm : as to 
the design, it is no doubt to purge away the dross : as to the 
end of it, I desire to leave it in my Saviour's hands, who know- 
eth what is best for me." 

ju •&£. -u. ■se. 42. Jt. 

*??• •tF -TV* -tv* -W* ^r 

Little James Street, Sept. — " I have gone through such a 
process as I never expected ! My sorrows are very bitter, — 



166 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

yet dare I not repine. I know that my mercies are far better 
than I deserve, and though my trials are short, I am not the 
only one that has passed through the same. Oh for faith and 
patience to hold out to the end ! I would bear in mind, that 
as my medical friend kindly attends to mark, and if possible 
to mitigate, my disease, — so I have one who has also a pro- 
cess to carry on, in order to bring about a mighty work ; even 
that of preparing a poor sinner for a heavenly inheritance. 
I desire to commit myself entirely to Him who doeth all 
things well. There is enough in Rev. xxi. 3, 4, to comfort me 
under all." 

The report of Mrs. Hawkes' painful circumstances drew from 
Mr. Cecil the following letter : — 

" Sept. 7, 1801. 
" My dear Madam, 

" Any particular reply that can be made to your extraordinary 
communications, you will receive from Mrs. C, who intends 
writing to you ; for my own part, I write merely to express my 
sympathy with you under your sorrows. 

" You are conducted indeed by a very dark and distressing- 
path : but then you are conducted, and that by a better and 
kinder friend than any one of my family could prove, if even 
they had what your Almighty friend has, ' All power in heaven 
and earth.' Now is the time for faith and patience to be fully 
proved ; and 1 trust they will stand the trial. 

" I am, with the rest, greatly disappointed that you cannot 
return to us this summer. But, as the season is far advanced, 
we shall soon return to town ; and I form a hope that you will 
remain with us through the winter, being assured, as you may 
be most fully, that no one of my children is considered more 
as at their father's house than yourself. The plain truth is, 
(however the matter may appear to your incredulity and pre- 
vailing diffidence,) our sense and feeling of your being with us, 
is, that every minute of the time is a benefit and privilege con- 
ferred upon us. 

" You certainly said very properly what you said of your 
relations ; and I cannot doubt for a moment, that your expecta- 
tions would be more than answered ; but I wish to add, that I 
consider it both a duty and a privilege that you should have a 
friend in myself, and a mother in my wife, which (to say noth- 
ing of others out of both our families,) will secure you from 
being dependent on the persons you name, however glad we 
may be to see them take a proper interest in your welfare when 
called upon. 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 161 

" But as Mrs. Jones says truly, ' we must die.' What then ? 
It makes no difference to you. Your Friend liveth ever, and 
shall supply all your wants out of his riches in glory. 

" ' The pillared firmament is rottenness, 
And earth's base built on stubble.' 

And millions will be shockingly deceived who have built on no 
better foundation. But, thank God, that is not our case. I 
should mourn indeed if you had the whole earth in your hand, 
and nothing more. Then, and not till then, you can be made 
poor. 

" Pray take every means that can accommodate yourself, and 
have everything you can invent to alleviate your situation ; if 
it were only to oblige, yours, 

" Most faithfully and sincerely, 

"R. Cecil." 

Mrs. Hawkes' illness soon became so severe as to occasion 
fears of her speedy dissolution ; at which time she wrote as fol- 
lows in her diary : — 

Oct. 2, 1801. — "From all I can gather from my friends, 
from my own feelings, and from the opinion of several of 
the faculty, the message that was sent to Hezekiah is sent 
also to ?ne, ' Set thine house in order, for thou shalt die and 
not live.' 

" I would, above all things, desire to do as he did ; that is, 
1 Turn my face to the wall, and pray unto the Lord.' But 
what is my petition, and what is my request ? Truly, if I 
know my own heart, it is, not that the sentence of death may 
be recalled, but that I may be made meet for a glorious in- 
heritance. There remains much to be done in me before I am, 
as I trust I shall be, gathered into the garner. I am conscious 
of the want of ripeness. I am conscious, also, that there is in 
me much chaff. O Lord, enable me to bear the winno wings, the 
siftings, with which thou art about to visit me. Let me not be 
deceived in myself, and think that I am wheat, when I am but 
chaff. I appeal unto thee, O thou searcher of hearts, who 
knowest what I am, and pray that I may be made such as thou 
wilt accept, and upon whom whou wilt bestow the gift of eter- 
nal life. As to what I must suffer by the way, I would bear in 
mind that ' whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth.' " 

Oct. 20. — "It is' a remarkable part of my present dispensa- 
tion, that I should be left to go through very severe sufferings 
alone, my dear friends being still at their summer residence. 
Such a separation, at a time when I so especially need a kind 



168 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

and faithful friend to administer to my painful necessities, 
speaks loudly to my heart that there is but one friend wh'o can 
always be present. What an unspeakable mercy to have such 
a friend ! and to find him graciously present in such a time of 
need." 

Nov. 3. — " My mysterious and fatal disease makes slow ad- 
vances. The pain, though continual, and attended by much 
inconvenience, is not so severe now as to hinder me from men- 
tal exercises. Though confined either to my bed or couch, yet 
I can read ; and, through mercy, I am enabled to pray, and 
to meditate. I esteem it no small mercy, that this poor taber- 
nacle is taken down so gradually, and with so much gentle- 
ness. It is a most unspeakable favor to be allowed space, 
leisure, and recollection, to get into a position for the impend- 
ing stroke. I would be found ready when the Bridegroom 
cometh." 

On the return of Mr. Cecil's family to town, the third week 
in November, Mrs. Hawkes' very sensitive mind was exercised 
with anxieties lest her ill health should be an occasion of incon- 
venience to her affectionate friends. She thus expresses her 
feelings on the subject : — 

Dec. 1801. — " My severest exercise of mind, under my pres- 
ent trying dispensation, arises from the painful conviction I 
have of the expense, inconvenience, and difficulty, which my 
sickness brings on this family. Being no longer able to admin- 
ister to any part of it — which I have always esteemed my 
highest privilege and pleasure — I am now a useless, disabled 
creature, that must be administered unto. And though every 
member of this house expresses, and I verily believe, feels, the 
truest gratification in continual acts of love ; yet neither my 
feelings nor my judgment can endure that so great a burden 
should rest upon them any longer. ' Lord, I am oppressed, 
undertake for me !' Thou that didst, in great love and tender 
care, open this kind door to let in a poor, unhoused sheep, 
where every indulgence has been afforded which my bleeding- 
heart could wish, and where I am still kindly solicited to re- 
main, let thy gracious ear be open to my prayer, that thy good 
Providence may open this door again to my going out ; that I 
may be no longer distressed and afflicted by the conviction that 
I am now, by my ill health, constant confinement, and need of 
nursing, a real injury to this generous family. This is worse to 
bear than my continual pain. Weeping and praying is my 
only resource : I am afraid to take a step, my way is hedged 
up, no glimmering of light as yet dawns upon my path. Lead 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 169 

me, my Saviour, in the right way. Let me see ' the pillar 
and the cloud' again moving before me." 

Jan. 1802. — "I ought to enter this year, and go through 
every day of it with great solemnity and watchfulness, for I 
have no expectation of seeing January, 1803. Lord, teach 
me to number my few remaining days, that I may make the 
best of every moment to prepare for my final dismission. I 
have great cause to rejoice at the prospect of being removed so 
soon from a world that has, to me, proved a sorrowful and des- 
ert wilderness. Yet I would remember with humility and 
thankfulness, that, as my sorrows have risen higher and higher, 
so a gracious providence has provided most abundant comforts 
for me. Nothing have I here but marks of love and friendship : 
and as there is one home only for which I could change this 
with advantage, so I am bid to prepare for it, and wait a speedy 
call to it. There my friends will rejoin me, never more to be 
separated. A few more fears and conflicts, and all will be over." 

Mrs. Hawkes' life was prolonged thirty years beyond the 
period in which she wrote the foregoing memorandum : form- 
ing a remarkable confirmation of the proverbial uncertainty of 
human life, since those dear friends, to whom she just alludes, 
were called to their rest before her. A period of thirty years, 
spent in severe suffering, seems long to sense and wearied na- 
ture ; but were she now asked to give her estimate of this in- 
terval of " heaviness," it would doubtless agree with the words 
of the apostle, " Our light affliction, which is but for a moment, 
worketh out for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of 
glory." Even before her faith was changed to sight, she was 
enabled to adopt this language, and we may mark from this 
period a growing resignation under affliction, with an increasing 
joy and peace in believing, " glorifying the Lord in the fires," 
(Isa. xxiv. 15,) as appears in the following extract: — 

Feb. 1802. — " If I know anything of my own .heart, its real 
language, through my present visitation, agrees with that of the 
deceased Mr. Pearce, 

' Sweet affliction, sweet affliction, 
That brings Jesus to my soul.' 

If my soul does but gain health, welcome sickness. O Thou, 
that alone hast enabled me to say this hitherto, help me thus 
to say through all I may yet have to endure." 

April, 1802. — "I have much cause for thankfulness, that 
through my present illness, my spirits, for the most part, have 
been better than for some years past. Yet, with shame, I con- 

8 



170 



MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 



fess I have still seasons of great depression, through fear and 
unbelief. My peculiar circumstances lie heavy on my heart ; 
and the idea of falling a dead weight upon friends who have 
already done more for me than I could ever describe, pierces me 
like a two-edged sword. Many are my tears and prayers, that 
I may be spared the anguish of feeliug that I add to their al- 
ready heavy burdens. My fears respecting this matter oppress 
me far more than my affliction, weighty as it is." 

May 20. — " The Lord hath various methods of teaching his 
children ; but he has only one grand design, namely, that they 
should be ' builded together for a habitation of God through 
the Spirit.' That they should be ' a chosen generation, a royal 
priesthood, a holy nation, a peculiar people.' For several years 
past, I have been highly favored with public instruction in the 
house of God ; and inexpressibly great have been my oppor- 
tunities ! I have been planted in the choicest and richest part 
of my Lord's vineyard, and have been mercifully taught to 
esteem it as my best heritage. Yet of me, alas, the awful ques- 
tion may be asked, ' Wherefore when I looked, that it should 
bring forth grapes, brought it forth wild grapes,' or crude, un- 
ripe fruit, without flavor, or sweetness. So little humility, so 
little patience, so little faith, so little of the vital sap of the true 
vine ! How great is his mercy that he does not proceed to pro- 
nounce the same judgments on me as on those of old : ' And 
now go to, I will tell you what I will do to my vineyard.' Isa. v. 
5, 6. Instead whereof he says, ' I will allure her, and bring 
her into the wilderness, and speak comfortably unto her, and I 
will give her vineyards from thence, and the valley of Achor 
for a door of hope : and she shall sing there.' As if my Lord 
had said, instead of cutting off this barren branch, and casting- 
it into the fire, which I might justly do, I will take it into more 
peculiar cultivation. I will, to public and general ordinances, 
add sweet and interior teachings, between her and myself alone. 
I will confine her to a sick chamber, visit her with an incura- 
ble disease, leave her to silence and contemplation, try her with 
pain and anguish : that is, I will purge her that she may bring- 
forth more fruit. Amen ; so let it be, Lord ; and I heartily 
bless thy holy name for thus graciously correcting me. Thou 
hast, indeed, brought me into the wilderness ; and thou hast 
also vouchsafed to speak comfortably to me therein. And, I 
trust, thou wilt soon remove me out of it, to that place from 
whence ' sorrow and sighing shall forever flee away.' " 

July, 1802. — " My physician has just put me upon a course 
of regimen and medicine very unpleasant. Yet upon his urg- 
ing the necessity, I promised him entire submission, and obedi- 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1*796 TO 1802. l7l 

ence. Ah, ungrateful, silly, faithless creature, (said I to my- 
self when he was gone,) to feel so much confidence, and to yield 
such a willing obedience to an arm of flesh, while in a case of 
infinitely more importance, namely, the healing of the diseases 
of sin, and under the direction of one, who, in the commands he 
enjoins, can neither fail in wisdom nor in love, — thou art inat- 
tentive, forgetful, and disobedient !" 

July, 1802. — " I have lately gone through severe attacks of 
spasms. But how light are the severest pains of the body, 
compared with the anguish of a wounded spirit ! I know, from 
experience, the difference ; and therefore I can the better ap- 
preciate it. I have, during the past night, enjoyed true conso- 
lation in the sorest pain And I have known what it was to 
suffer the keenest mental torture, when all without was com- 
paratively serene." 

The season was now arrived when Mr. Cecil's family should 
go, as usual in the summer, to Chobham : Mrs. Hawkes, (who 
had been confined at Little James Street by illness nearly a 
year,) was quite incapable of travelling, and was therefore 
obliged to remain in London. Her anxiety, on this occasion, 
was removed by the kindness of Mrs. Jones, who came to 
town on purpose to administer to her sister's comfort during 
Mrs. Cecil's absence. Mrs. Hawkes thus records Mrs. Jones' 
arrival. 

August 1, 1802. — " How graciously does an ever watchful 
Providence deal with me ! Just when my heart fainted within 
me, at the thought of being left solitary, the Lord hath put it 
into the heart of my dearest sister to come, and kindly under- 
take the office of nurse, companion, counsellor, and everything 
I w r ant. I am, I trust, duly and heartily thankful for this great 
indulgence. Alas ! the days and hours will fly too swiftly away, 
and bring forward the time when she must again leave me ! 
Oh, that I could improve the present moment, and not antici- 
pate the painful hour of separation." 

Under some perplexing difficulties, Mrs. Hawkes wrote to 
Mr. Cecil soon after he left town, which drew from him the 
following letter : — 

" Chobham, Aug. 1802. 
" My dear Madam, 
" I am greatly obliged by your letter. It is a picture of your 
mind, which, as far as it has fallen under my observation, is 
full of tenderness and integrity. The reality and power of your 



172 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

faith, was, I believe, never questioned by any one who possessed 
any himself. But the Author of it seems, for wise reasons, 
disposed to bring it into public proof, by the long, constant, and 
very severe trials with which it is exercised. Your case is ex- 
traordinary, and the only consolation we have under it, is that 
your Helper is no less so. May he give you faith and patience, 
— the only gifts now of value. * * • * 

" You cannot wish that I should visit town more than I wish 
to see Mrs. Jones and yourself. Yet, as ' the pillar and cloud' 
went before me so as to make it clear to me that I should come 
here when I did, so I must wait for it to direct the next remove : 
nor in all my experience do I remember to have waited for it 
in vain. Worldly minds would think me an enthusiast in speak- 
ing thus ; but I am not writing to such. When my son's time 
is out, I shall expect my way to be opened, and some ability 
given me to undertake, what is to me, a vast journey ; and then 
I shall readily take it. 

" I shall only add that I ever remain, 

" Most truly and affectionately yours, 

"R. Cecil." 

Mrs. Jones was induced at this time to come to town not only 
to relieve her sister's solitude, but also with a view to arrange 
some plan for Mrs. Hawkes' per?nanent accommodation out of 
Mr. Cecil's house. There was now no prospect that she would 
be able, in future, to spend a part of the year, as she had hith- 
erto done, in the Isle of Wight, or with her sisters at Birming- 
ham. Nor was it suitable, in her present state of health, that 
she should be left alone in Little James Street during the four 
or five summer months in which Mr. Cecil's family were at 
Chobham. Also, the painful anxiety of Mrs. Hawkes' mind 
from the fear of becoming burdensome, interfered with her 
tranquillity : nor could her over-sensitive apprehensions be 
quieted, by the strongest assurances, that the happiness of Mr. 
Cecil's family was really increased by her being one of its mem- 
bers. This will become evident by the next extract, in which 
Mrs. Hawkes appears, as usual, weighing everything by the 
highest moral considerations, aided by the most delicate appre- 
hensions of propriety. 

Sejyt. 1802. — "I have been endeavoring, as I have often 
done before, to enumerate and weigh what I shall have to meet 
with in exchanging this honored, loved, and valued residence 
for another. I know and feel that it is a serious thing to take 
a step in life ; and therefore I have been afraid to stir over this 
threshold. But in my removal I am conscious that I act from 



CHAP. IV. FROM A. D. 1796 TO 1802. 173 

the following motives, — namely, from a desire to remove anxi- 
ety, care, expense, and great inconvenience, which must every 
day be increasing to this family by my stay. Never shall I 
find such tender friends, — never in this world meet with a so- 
ciety so suited to my taste, — never again be admitted into such 
high privileges. I can neither enumerate nor describe what I 
leave when I leave this house. But justice, honor, affection, 
obligation, all call upon me to depart. And shall I be so self- 
ish as to shut my ears to these demands ? Far be such unright- 
eousness from one so deeply indebted. Lord, my expecta- 
tion is from Thee ; be pleased either to quiet me here, or to di- 
rect my steps to some other dwelling," 

It was necessary that Mrs. Hawkes should reside in London, 
for the sake of medical advice. It was also desirable that in 
her suffering state she should be with those who could render 
needful assistance with affectionate sympathy. It pleased God 
to open a way towards an arrangement which combined these 
advantages, by her removal, in the month of September, 1802, 
to the house of Mr. Collyer, a pious member of Mr. Cecil's con- 
gregation at St. John's, who had married Mrs. Hawkes' niece. 
The next memorandum records this removal. 

Sept. 23, 1802. — "A memorable day. Left my honored 
and spiritual father's house, and removed to Mr. Collyer's, Con- 
stitution Row. 

" This makes one more change in my sorrowful pilgrimage ! 
When shall I be permitted to remove, once for all, to that long 
desired habitation where ' God shall wipe away all tears from 
my eyes; where there shall be no more death, neither sorrow 
nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain V 

" I consider myself as now entering upon a new dispensation ; 
and would ' get upon my watch-tower' to hear what the Lord 
will condescend to speak unto me : and ' what I shall answer 
when I am reproved,' as to my past and present .experience. 

" At present such a tumultuous crowd of oppressions and 
sentiments pass upon my mind, that I feel it impossible to 
take any calm or profitable view of present circumstances, or 
of my future prospects ; even should my worthless dying life 
be prolonged. 

" Like a voyager newly launched on untried seas, everything 
is unknown, unsettled, unorganized. I have to form new asso- 
ciations, new sympathies, to breathe a new atmosphere. So 
scattered are my thoughts, I can only concern myself about pres- 
ent affairs ; and pray that the presence of my Saviour may be 
with me. 

"In my removal, let me, however, note down a few re- 



174 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

inarkable circumstances, in order to promote present thankful- 
ness and future hope. ' He despiseth not the prayer of the des- 
titute.' So graciously has my heavenly Father attended to my 
cry, and condescended to grant me my request, that the very 
same friend, (namely, my dear sister Jones,) who brought and 
left me at my minister's house, when I had no longer a cover- 
ing to my head, or a bed to lie upon, returned, after an inter- 
val of six years, and having again provided an abode, con- 
ducted me out from a never-to-be-forgotten 'hiding-place 1' 
Oh, that it may be my last removal to any house made with 
hands 1 What a mercy that the storm is in some degree 
abated before I am bid to quit my hiding-place ! Surely I 
ought without misgiving to trust my Divine Leader the rest of 
the way. 

" Another remarkable circumstance attending my removal, 
is, that some strong, and, till within a few days, unconquerable 
objections respecting the abode proposed to me by my dear sis- 
ter, have been made, in a great measure, to give way to more 
weighty considerations. 

" No one could be received with more kindness and affection 
than my dear niece and her husband received me. Lord, let 
thy blessing attend this change ! It is brought about in a way 
that is wonderful to me. Not for your sakes, ' O house of Israel, 
will I do this, but for mine own holy name's sake.' " 

In the step which Mrs. Hawkes was now taking, she was ac- 
tuated by strictly conscientious motives, and not those which 
feeling might dictate ; and thus following the leading of Divine 
Providence, she was sure of being both safe and happy. " All 
things," says the apostle, " work together for good to them that 
love God." If we seriously compare and examine, we shall 
find, that the Scriptures and the book of Providence, harmonize 
with each other. The promises are all limited to certain char-" 1 
acters; "All the paths of the Lord are indeed mercy and 
truth," but it is " unto such as keep his covenant and testimo- 
nies." The features of Mrs. Hawkes' religious character might 
be traced as answering to those portrayed in the Bible. Her 
whole walk and conversation manifested love to God, and obe- 
dience to his will, even before the promises were poured in a 
blessed tide over her spirit. And as an " Israelite indeed" her 
"journeyings" were ordered by Him, who in all ages goes be- 
fore his people, truly if not visibly, as the " angel of the ever- 
lasting covenant," to order all things for their good. Exod. 
xxiii. 20. 



CHAPTER V. 



FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT MR. COLLYER'S TO HER 
REMOVAL TO BETCHWORTH. 

FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 

Mrs. Hawkes' removal, a source of regret to Mrs. Cecil — Afflictions 
sanctified — Letter from the Rev. John Newton — Mrs. Hawkes' re- 
flections on a repining spirit — Her views on the subject of being de- 
pendent — Her usefulness especially to young persons — Her extensive 
correspondence — Her sense of manifold mercies — Pecuniary anxieties 
— Temporary return to Mrs. Cecil's house, and re-settlement at Mr- 
Colly er's — Danger of her disease terminating in sudden death — 
Cheerfulness under affliction — Friendship and medical attention of 
Dr. Fearon — Serious self-examination — Her remarks on Mr. Cecil's 
paralytic affection — Letters on the subject — Reflections on Mr. Ce- 
cil's death — Her view of his character — She visits Mrs. Cecil at 
Hampstead — Is supported by Christian hope — Letter to Mrs. 
C tt, on the duty of praising God. 

Mrs. Hawkes' removal from Little James Street was a sub- 
ject of real regret to Mrs. Cecil, who felt that her dear friend's 
society was a loss not to be easily repaired. Mrs. C.'s feelings 
and sentiments on this occasion will appear in the following 
extract, from one of her letters to Mrs. Hawkes, written from 
Chobham, in Sept. 1S02. 

" I confess to you, my dearest sister, there is but one rich 
gift I covet, and that is, that you might be thrown into my lot, 
to live and die with me and mine. This would be no impov- 
erishing circumstance : I could only view it as a certain in- 
crease of my own and my children's inheritance. I have some- 
times thought this might be ; and then I have seen why T had 
a house large enough to receive you, as well as a heart fully 
ready to meet this favor. And I have thought also, that even 
were I taken away, I should leave you among my children, as 
their guardian and friend. 

" I most cordially thank you for your letter ; I cannot express 
how much pleasure it afforded me. I scribble a line now, and, 
for my apparent neglect, have one plea which I hope will be 



176 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

accepted, namely, having had eighteen in family for some days 
past. Ah ! I never have so many as not to regret that I have 
not one more ! One whose society has afforded me more real 
pleasure than all other I ever enjoyed. 

" I am grieved to hear, both from yourself and others, of the 
increase of your pain. You have need to look to a better coun- 
try, where pain and sorrow, and sighing flee away — as I know 
you do. Nevertheless, I am aware how delicate a recipient of 
sympathy you are, and I feel a sad regret that I am unable now 
to render you more than sympathy ; for I am not content to 
offer you only that which you must receive from every common 
friend." 

Writing to a friend, shortly after her removal, Mrs. Hawkes 
says, — " I spent last week in visiting my old and ever kind 
friends in Little James Street. Mrs. Cecil most bitterly com- 
plains of my ' inflexibility.' And I assure you that it costs me 
more than she knows to keep it up. But I consider it very 
wrong, and unworthy, to act only from feeling instead of being 
ruled by the judgment. And therefore, till some circumstance 
arises that will allow me to think it right to return, I hope to be 
able to withstand all her persuasive powers, and all the earnest 
entreaties of the dear children. One or other of them come to 
see me most days ; so that though we are separated, our inter- 
course is not interrupted. I am very comfortable here, and 
have a room and fire entirely to myself, which is a great enjoy- 
ment. My health has been rather better of late, but my com- 
plaint continues much the same." 

The purifying and sanctifying effects of Mrs. Hawkes' painful 
dispensation, became now more and more evident, in her rap- 
idly improving Christian character. This design and tendency 
were made so far manifest to herself, that she was enabled to 
kiss the rod, even while smarting under its strokes : as appears 
in the next and many subsequent memorials of her Christian 
experience. 

Nov. 1802. — "Purifying work is painful work : the refining 
furnace needs a well-established confidence in, and love to, the 
great Refiner. I feel there is much dross to be purged away. 
My nature trembles at the fire : but my faith commits the pro- 
cess to God, with strong cries, ' Correct me in mercy, and not 
in judgment.' ' By this shall the iniquity of Jacob be purged 
away ; and this is all the fruit to take away his sin.' And again, 
' Every branch in me that beareth fruit, He purgeth it, that it 
may bring forth more fruit.' God is now seeming to say to 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 177 

me, Instead of bringing thy sufferings to a close, as thou hast 
impatiently desired, thou mast still be ' emptied from vessel to 
vessel.' One trying dispensation shall give place to another ; 
and this is designed, — 

" First, To bring thy sins to remembrance, and to correct 
thee. 

" Secondly, ' To prove thee,' and show thee what is yet in 
thine heart. 

" Thirdly, To purify and purge away thy dross. 

" Fourthly, To make thee ' as a weaned child,' from every 
created good. 

"Fifthly, To bring down thy proud independent spirit, and 
teach thee submission and dependence. 

" Sixthly, To afford thee opportunity to glorify thy Father 
which is in heaven, by speaking good of his name ; and by 
bringing forth the fruits of patience, love, &c 

" Seventhly, To make thee meet for glory. 

" My honored minister, in one of his sermons, says, ' Oh it is 
a mighty blessing indeed, if God makes use of any affliction 
whatever to bring us nearer to himself, and to make us know 
more of ourselves, and to become acquainted with his dispen- 
sations towards us.' 

"I would humbly adore and praise God the Holy Ghost, 
who alone teacheth to profit, that is to purpose, who in some 
measure enables my almost broken heart to respond feelingly, 
and I trust sincerely, ' Yes, I do find it a mighty blessing.' 
May my life, as well as my lips and heart, bear the same re- 
port : or it will be to little purpose." 

The following letter was, about this time, written by the 
Rev. John Newton, to Mrs. Hawkes. 

"JVov. 18, 1802. 
" My dear Madam, 

" You are now removed out of old seventy-eight's track, and 
therefore I must try my poor eyes, which are very weak, to 
send you a small token of my love upon paper. 

" ' We must through many tribulations enter into the king- 
dom of God :' so our Lord has forewarned us, but he adds, ' In 
me ye shall have peace.' Tribulations, both you and I have 
felt, and still feel ; but I trust at the bottom of them all, we 
have peace within, from the knowledge of our acceptance in 
the Beloved, and His gracious promises of strength, according 
to our day ; and that He will, in the final event, make all things, 
whether sweet or bitter to the flesh, to work together for our 
good. 

8* 



1*78 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" Though ' man is born to trouble as the sparks fly upward,' 
none of them spring out of the ground. They are all to God's 
own people, under the direction of infinite wisdom and love. If 
we are ' in heaviness,' there is a ' needs be' for it, — whether we 
know it or not. For He who so loved us as to die upon the 
cross to free us from the curse of the law, will not inflict any 
unnecessary pain on those whom He has taught to put their 
trust in Him. Some of our afflictions are medicinals, to check 
that worst of maladies, indwelling sin, — or to prevent a re- 
lapse ; and though, at present, they are not joyous, but griev- 
ous, we know not how much worse it might have been. If you 
had always remained as you were when I first knew you, — or 
I, as I was three or four years ago, Satan might have lulled us 
asleep upon ' the enchanted ground.' But the Lord in mercy 
sent something to rouse us. Our path has been rough, but I 
trust will be safe ; and we shall one day say, ' Happy affliction, 
which brought me nearer to my God, or prevented any wander- 
ing from Him.' 

" Again, sometimes the Lord honors his people by appoint- 
ing them a great trial. As He has given them to believe in 
his name, so also He gives them to ' suffer for his sake.' So 
far as he enables us to support affliction with cheerful submis- 
sion, patience, and hope, — so far the post of trial is a post of 
honor. Thereby the reality and power of religion, the power 
and faithfulness of our Lord in supporting and relieving, is ex- 
hibited to his glory, for the encouragement of believers and the 
conviction of gainsay ere ; and we ourselves are taught more 
and more of the vanity of creature dependence, and the all- 
sufficiency of our great and unchangeable Friend who has prom- 
ised, that, 'If we suffer with Him, we shall also reign with 
Him.' 

" Let us cheer up, madam ; the time is short, and shortening 
apace. Every pulse we feel beats a sharp moment of the pain 
away ; and the last stroke will come : then heaven will make 
amends for all. I commend you to the Lord's blessing. Dear 
Miss Catlett, though not quite well, is better than when she first 
came home, and is again a great comfort to me. Pray for her, 
and for 

" Your affectionate, 

" John Newton." 

Mrs. Hawkes' next memorandum opens the year 1803. 

Jan. 2. — " Never did I expect to see the beginning of the 
year 1803. — It must be almost a miracle if I live to see 1804. 
Nay, so does death seem to hover over me, that when morning . 



CHAP. Y. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 1*79 

comes, I say, ' It is very probable I may not see the night ;' and 
when night comes, ' it is more than probable that I may never 
see the morning.' 

" Has then my soul dressed herself for immortality ? Is the 
wedding garment on, and all in readiness for the Bridegroom ? 
Conscience, ' What of the night V Soul, ' What of the night V 
Canst thou on sure ground say, ' Come, Lord Jesus, come 
quickly V 

" Within these seven years I have been twice apparently on 
the borders of the grave. In either case, had the Lord taken 
me, I should have escaped many and great sufferings ; but I 
should have known far less of the Lord's goodness and truth 
to me a poor sinner. I trust he has made me more willing to 
suffer, so that he be but present with me through my affliction. 
How have I this evening been refreshed in my spirit by a letter 
from my invaluable sister ! Oh that every poor sufferer had 
the comfort of such a sister and friend in trouble !" 

The following undated letter from Mrs. Jones, seems that to 
which Mrs. Hawkes here refers : 

" J wish I had a letter from my dear sister, that I might 
share in her joys and sorrows: and enter, by sympathy, into 
her severe pains and languid weakness ; and notice, how the 
spirit is weighed down and depressed by its union with tho 
body ; and how the soul rises from under the weight ; ' Cast 
down, but not destroyed,' by the pressure of affliction. When 
I was once suffering from excruciating pain, it appeared to me 
that all my power to endure was derived from keeping hold, by 
faith, on the hem of Christ's garment. The pious Beveridge 
has said, ' the latter works of a Christian are furnace works.' 
Faith and patience are furnace works indeed, and blessed are 
they that endure, not they that resist. ' Fight manfully,' was 
not a cursory precept, but an upholding word for a trying hour. 
Thank God, there are not years of unremitting contest, but 
' days' of tribulation, and ' hours' of temptation. It is proper 
we should encourage each other ; and ' so much the more as we 
see the day approaching.' A little more conflict, a few T more days 
of heaviness, before all tears are wiped away forever ! When 
you and I are seated at the feet of the great Captain of our 
salvation, w T e shall shout victory to Him ; and if there were 
any garments of shame in heaven, we would cover ourselves 
with them, while we give glory to our great Deliverer. What 
encouragement is it under all present trials to have access to 
the ' God of hope,' the ' God of patience,' and the ' God of all 
consolation.' He has yet to give more than we pan ask or 



180 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

think ; and he can impart to his suffering children as much 
power to endure as He pleases. ISTo pen can describe what the 
martyrs experienced of his mighty power ; and we have the 
same promises as they, and the same God. Farewell. 

"A. J." 

As in natural things, there are sudden and visible stages of 
advancement ; so, in the Christian experience of Mrs. Hawkes, 
the reader will be pleased to observe at this period, remarkable 
enlargement of mind, from the gloomy and desponding feel- 
ings which marked some of the past extracts. This improve- 
ment must be ascribed to the ripening influence of grace upon 
her heart, by which faith and hope were brought into fuller 
exercise ; producing a cheerful acquiescence in her painful dis- 
pensation, accompanied by a corrected view of her past tenden- 
cy to depression. 

March, 1803. — "There is nothing upon which I look back 
with more real shame, and I hope real sorrow, than upon past 
seasons of murmuring, discontent, and fretfulness. I say past 
seasons, because, though I am still too apt to feel the same evil 
spirit, and am never at any time a thousandth part so thankful 
as I ought to be, yet there have been seasons in which I have 
been a victim ; and that which I now, through great mercy, 
feel only occasionally, I in those seasons felt continually, and 
almost constantly ; by which, I now see, I was an infinite loser. 
While robbers are in the house, we are often either in a sound 
sleep, or do not hear them, or are too much terrified to recol- 
lect what spoils they make : but afterwards, when our recollec- 
tion returns, then we perceive the plunder. Thus it has been 
with me. While I was under the dominion of discontent and 
unthankfulness, I considered not the devastation. I said, 
daringly, that ' I did well to be angry.' This, and that, was 
cause enough. Alas, all this time I was being robbed of my 
faith, my hope, my peace, my confidence, my innumerable 
comforts, my pleasant prospects. That temple which was pre- 
paring for the Holy Spirit's residence, I was resigning into the 
hands of evil spirits : for when once a discontented devil gets 
in, his name is ' Legion :' and if he is not directly cast out by 
faith, watchfulness, prayer, and continual care to cultivate the 
opposite spirit, he will soon gain possession, and destroy every 
holy, every pleasant plant. Oh, how in my own case, and in 
others too, have I seen every pleasant thing blighted and wither- 
ed by this horrid demon ! 

" There are many of us who may, I trust, with safety be 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 181 

numbered among believers, who would be shocked if we were 
under the dominion of open sins ; and who yet are not suffi- 
ciently aware, that if the sin of discontent is not so scandalous in 
the eyes of men, it is as hateful in the sight of God ; and per- 
haps more fatal because less marked. It eats as doth a canker ; 
it blights and withers all the Christian graces ; it injures and 
hardens the minds of those with whom we live ; it turns all the 
privileges and blessings we have, (and who has not many more 
than he deserves?) into poison. Nothing can be more opposed 
to that exhortation of the apostle, ' Let this mind be in you which 
was also in Christ Jesus.' " 

Good-Friday, April 8, 1803. — " I have been endeavoring, 
under grievous pain, to contemplate the sufferings of my Saviour, 
which this day is set apart to commemorate ; and, through the 
help of the Holy Spirit, I have been enabled to meditate thereon 
with profit. Shall I, who am a sinner, faint under my affliction ? 
rather will I take comfort that, by these sufferings, I am brought 
to a nearer acquaintance and union with my suffering Lord, than 
I could have known without them. Herein will I rejoice, that 
' We have not a High Priest which cannot be touched with the 
feeling of our infirmities.' None but the believer can flee into 
the bosom of his chastiser, and kiss the hand that smites him ; 
and afflictions are designed to produce this disposition. To this 
do I now, under the very dominion of pain, set my seal, namely, 
that as far as this disposition is really produced, — which it can 
only be by the sanctifying influences of the Holy Spirit, — no afflic- 
tion can be thought too severe which may have helped to obtain 
it. This shall silence my too petulant inquiries, why this com- 
fort, and the other convenience, is withheld % Communion with 
a suffering and exalted Saviour, shall cheer my otherwise deso- 
late and sorrowful hours." 

" lead me to the Rock 
That's high above my head : 
And make the covert of thy wings 
My shelter and my shade." 

April 30. — " I perceive that one design of my long and pain- 
ful disorder is to bring my spirit not only to submit, but to rest 
itself, in that against which it naturally rises up with a mighty 
resistance. Nothing has ever been so dreadful, so bitter to my 
soul, as a state of dependence. I have said, ' Ever so little, if it 
be but in my own keeping ; if I may but have it without a sup- 
pliant's cry.' I find by attention to what is passing within, that 
this old evil principle only gives way, inch by inch, disputing 
and struggling to the last. If at one time it seems more wound- 



182 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

ed than at another, it presently, upon some sudden occasion, 
rises up again like a lion. ' Lord, I am oppressed, undertake 
for me.' Destroy this evil principle of pride and unbelief. Not 
only do thou preserve me from repining because thou ordainest 
that I should be, (as thousands of thy children have been be- 
fore,) dependent upon thee for daily bread, but make me pleased 
not only to receive it, but to ask it from such hands as are dis- 
posed, or able to send it me. Enable me to take pleasure in 
dependence ; to say from the bottom of my heart, that, since 
thou dost appoint it, it is the thing I choose. I am ready to 
hope I do feel some change for the better in this respect : but 
when my love of dependence is utterly destroyed, then, indeed, 
I shall have a strong evidence that my affliction has been greatly 
blessed to my soul.' ' 

Though Mrs. Hawkes was now constantly confined to her sick- 
chamber, a sphere of usefulness was opening before her in the 
opportunity of assisting, by her conversation and instruction, 
many younger Christians. She took much delight in the socie- 
ty of young persons, to whose affections she found easy access 
by the sweet and social temper of her own mind. One after 
another resorted to her for the advantage of her counsel or en- 
couragement ; and thus, by degrees, her religious acquaintance 
became extensive. The next memorandum furnishes an exam- 
ple of the solemn manner in which she reflected on the cases 
of those who spoke to her upon the state of their souls. 

June, 1803. — "A person has been talking to me, who ex- 
presses much desire to ' enter the strait gate' and to walk in 
the ' narrow way ;' but who is fearful she cannot get on, be- 
cause of her hinderances, and because she is solitary : she there- 
fore looks on this side and that, for the arm of some close 
friend to lean upon. May it please God to cause her to hear 
the gospel trumpet, waxing louder and louder, saying as it does 
to every one of us, ' Escape for thy life ; look not behind thee ; 
neither stay thou in all the plain ; escape to the mountain, lest 
thou be consumed.' There have been many solitary travel- 
lers, and that too among females, who have made their way, 
against every sort of opposition. If God says, ' Walk alone, 
He will give wisdom and strength ; and we must not wait for 
any human arm, though we may wish for one. In the day 
of judgment, it will be in vain to say to our Judge, ' I could 
not escape, or flee, as thou didst command me, because I had 
no father, no husband, no brother, no sister, no friend, to help 
me.' Our own mouth would condemn us : for God was made 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 183 

manifest in the flesh that He might be a Father, a Husband, a 
Brother, a Friend : and such the Holy Scriptures declare Him ; 
and such the believer experimentally finds Him. There is a 
case, that seems to allow us more to say, and such I have seen : 
namely, when the wife thought she should have received more 
help from the Christian husband ; the brother from the brother ; 
and the Christian friend from the friend. But, in such cases, 
instead of mourning, faltering, complaining, we should stop and 
ask, ' Do I use all the help I have V If so, it may be that God 
does not allow me to find all I wish in the creature, lest I shoud 
lean too much, and so continue feeble ; lest I should build upon 
a religion not my own. He disappoints me in the cistern, that 
I may apply to the Fountain : for after all, though the waters 
are pleasant in the stream, they are most life-giving from the 
Fountain. So that even in this case our mouth will be stopped 
with shame, because there can be no ground for complaint, 
while we have God for our Father, Jesus Christ for our Saviour, 
and the Holy Spirit for our guide ; and while we have the or- 
dinances, both public and private, for our instruction and con- 
solation. But here is the mistake, — we incline to external helps, 
because we find it more easy to look to them than to maintain 
a secret and close walk with God. ' Come, my people, enter 
thou into thy chambers, and shut thy doors about thee.' Noth- 
ing so effectually teaches us to do this as affliction." 

The correspondence which Mrs. Hawkes maintained, was an- 
other means by which her usefulness was extended. A friend 
who has kindly furnished some letters for this Memoir, writes 
at the time of forwarding them : — 

" I was favored .with Mrs. Hawkes' correspondence for many 
years, which I considered my greatest earthly blessing, as a 
preservative from evil, and as a safe guide in the path before 
me. Before being under the influence of religion, the desire 
to please her, and enjoy her approbation, acted as a talisman 
spoken of in fairy tales. Her letters were to me most valuable, 
and the great ordinance which a gracious God was pleased to 
make use of for my comfort and encouragement through many 
trials." The extracts which follow, from letters addressed to 
this friend, will manifest that she wrote as well as spoke in the 
spirit recommended by the apostle, Heb. x. 25. "Exhorting 
one another : and so much the more as ye see the day ap- 
proaching :" — 

" You say, you hope God will teach you ' to understand prac- 
tically, as well as in theory, the meaning of justification.' But 
I think you confound the term justification with sanctification : 



184 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

by which your views may be kept confused, while you are really 
the subject of both. It is a great advantage to have clear and 
distinct views, and to understand the true meaning of terms. 
Nor can the child of science, of business, or of literature, make 
any progress but as he first gets well informed as to terms. 
Much more should the Christian be informed in everything 
which belongs to so important a profession ; and I name this, 
that your mind may not be perplexed. If I have time, I will 
transcribe a few sentences that are well expressed, and perspic- 
uous, on the subject of justification and sauctification.* 

" You must excuse me, as indeed I am sure you will, if, in 
writing to you, I seem to take too much the teacher's chair ; 
which arises not, (if I know anything of myself,) from a vain 
wish to appear somebody, but simply because I feel that I shall 
assuredly soon be gone ; and therefore I am anxious to give 
you every possible hint : more especially as you say, I am your 
only confidant in these matters. I learn from the faculty, that 
the termination of my complaint is likely to take place suddenly ; 
and so continually am I attacked with symptoms that are sig- 
nificant, that I only wonder I live from day to day. I therefore 
feel towards you, and some other of my friends, that I am no 
longer under the restraint of delicacy or ceremony, but under 
the law of love, which obliges me to do all the good I can. If 
ever I can be supposed to have a just view, and a just estimate 
of things, it must be now, when I am every hour, and often 
every moment expecting the command, 'to depart hence and 
be no more seen.' There can be no dissembling on a death- 
bed ; and I only wish I could impart to you my views and feel- 
ings, both with respect to this world, and the next. Believe 
me, what things appear to be in a dying hour, that they really 
are. May divine grace enable you to look at them in this only 
true point of view ; and teach you to cultivate a life of faith : 
that is, to be like those of old, continually looking ' not at the 
things which are seen, but at the things that are not seen.' 
Nothing is a greater enemy to faith than sense ; and if, through 
the divine aid, you can get into the habit of turning your eye 
and ear from present things, and simply ask, — ' what does God 
say in his word about this or that matter,' it will be a blessed 
habit indeed ; and will keep you from much loss. 

* % * % % Hi 

" Do not let us give way to discouraging apprehensions, as if 
our salvation were not in Almighty hands. If our Saviour has 
undertaken to deliver us from the power of Satan, he has also 

* These extracts have not been forwarded with the letters. 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 185 

undertaken to deliver us from the dominion of sin, and from be- 
ing our own ruin, as we certainly should be, without his gra- 
cious care. We are to be ' workers together with Him.' There 
are two very dangerous errors ; — one is, to believe that Christ 
has done everything for us, and therefore we need not be con- 
cerned as to our part of the affair, — and the other is, to believe 
that He has done apca't of the work, and has left us to perform 
the remainder, by our own ability : one leads to presumption, 
the other to despondency ; and both, if persevered in, to ruin. 
May you in mercy be kept from every species of error — for so 
much error, so much loss." 

* # * * * 

" I wish, with you, that your brother had some wise Christian 
friend and counsellor ; for it is a universal remark, that young- 
converts, from their zeal and inexperience, are exposed to much 
suffering and loss. I think the best advice that can be given 
him, is, that he should not seek much religious society in gen- 
eral, but take all the time he can for getting rooted and ground- 
ed in right principles, by prayer, and the study of the Bible. 
You know my opinion about connections, — that I esteem it a 
mercy to have been kept, at my first setting out in religion, 
from forming any. To ponder divine truth in the heart, and 
hold converse with an ever-gracious Saviour, is the best plan." 

To the same, after her marriage : 

" I hope, my dear friend, you are entering more and more 
into the happy secret of reposing yourself on a divine helper ; 
and, in order to facilitate your progress, pray that you may be 
enabled to acquaint yourself more intimately with the Divine 
character ; that is, with the character in which Christ, in all his 
offices and relations, condescends to stand to us. You will only 
get on with advantage, as you look more to Him, and more off" 
yourself, and all created things. He knows you have a feeble 
frame ; He knows you have to encounter the cares of a family ; 
He knows all your hinderances, and all your temptations and 
trials ; and that which you should labor after, is, to tell him 
of your depravity, — of your weakness, — of your wants ; and re- 
ceive out of his fulness ' grace for grace.' You say, l If prayer 
and meditation be necessary, you cannot tell how the soul is to 
thrive without time for such exercises ; and, in a family, such 
time cannot be easily obtained.' Here you are tacitly inclin- 
ing to the side of him who said, ' Thou reapest where thou hast 
not sown, and gatherest where thou hast not strewed.' But it 
is you, who are requiring of yourself, more than does your mer- 
ciful Master. If only a short season can be afforded, he will be 



186 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

satisfied with a short season : only take care that you never de- 
fraud Him of one single quarter of an hour that you can give. 
While you are told to be ' fervent in spirit,' you are also told to 
be ' diligent in business.' None disgrace their holy profession 
more, than they who make it a pretence to neglect one neces- 
sary family duty. Nor need this interfere with making the af- 
fairs of the soul still the first care ; for first they must be, or 
they will soon be nothing. As you advance in Christianity, 
you will be able to get into a habit of mental meditation, and 
ejaculatory prayer, that will greatly help you ; not to the setting 
aside stated seasons, but as preparatives thereto. As your faith 
strengthens, you will understand that there is, even in this 
world of conflict, ' A rest prepared for the people of God,' and 
into which they do enter by faith : some more than others, ac- 
cording to the strength and prevalency of grace ; but not one 
perfectly ; for perfect rest is only to be enjoyed in heaven. This 
is the state of combat, not of rest ; — 

' A call to duty, not discharge from care.' 

Hereafter we shall enjoy such a blessed rest, as will make all 
our present trials and troubles appear but as momentary." 

We now return to Mrs. Hawkes' diary, and find her occupy- 
ing her solitary hours in summing up those mercies with which 
her afflictions were mingled. 

August, 1803. — "In my painful struggle over the bridge of 
time, I am sometimes forcibly struck with one mercy vouchsafed 
to me, and sometimes with a view of another; just as the ray 
of the sun passing over a picture, in which there are many fig- 
ures, brings out first one and then another, more vividly than 
the rest, though the other figures are still visible. I would keep 
in view all my mercies, though they are more than can be 
numbered. I have many pleasant friends, and am thankful for 
the acquisition of another. Mem. Those friends have always 
proved to be the best, whom I never sought, but who were sent 
to me unexpectedly." 

Oct. 1803. — "To enumerate all my manifold mercies under 
my present afflictive dispensation, is impossible : but some of 
them I can dwell on with great thankfulness. My severe and 
incurable disease has removed many anxieties : 

" First, It fully proves beyond all dispute, that I am in my 
proper place, where I can have the best medical help, and 
where I can have the administration of my truest and dearest 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 187 

friends ; and where I am not exposed to those circumstances of 
constant agitation which would have been peculiarly aggravat- 
ing to my complaint, as well as fatal to my rest of mind. 

"Secondly, It removes anxious desires, and constant projects 
to enter upon some way of procuring a maintenance ; so that I 
should not seem to eat the bread of idleness, and not enter, as 
I ought, into the dispensation of poverty, with which God has 
seen good to visit me. 

" Thirdly, It changes censure into compassion ; and some, 
who before were disposed to judge harshly, now express sym- 
pathy. 

" Fourthly, It takes away a host of fears about the future. 
I have not now to look forward to many sorrows which life 
would present, and which to me would be far harder to bear 
than anything I now have, either in feeling or prospect. 

" Fifthly, It has proved to me, that there are no real friends 
but such as are found among the godly. 

" Sixthly, \Yhile I have the most decided message, 'Thou 
shalt die and not live,' yet the sentence is executed so gradually, 
that I am not put into a hurry, but time and help is granted 
me to put my house in order. 

" Seventhly, While the pain of my complaint is sufficient to 
keep death in sight, yet it is so bearable as to allow me to keep 
possession of my mind, and to occupy many hours pleasantly 
and profitably which would otherwise be very heavy. It also 
secures for me that quiet, retirement, and leisure, which are so 
congenial and delightful to my mind, and so desirable in order 
to prepare for death. 

" Eighthly, I am, by this dispensation, led to see more than 
I ever before did, of the utter emptiness, and nothingness, of 
everything in which God is not ; and how infinitely he sur- 
passes whatever bears the name of excellent ; and that in the 
midst of disease, poverty, and the keenest trials, yet, ' happy 
beyond all description' is ' he that hath the God of Jacob for 
his portion.' Most happy, even in this life." 

When Mrs. Hawkes uses the expression, " a dispensation of 
poverty," she speaks relatively comparing her present state of 
entire dependence, with her former affluent circumstances. 
Actual poverty, as it implies the want of necessaries, she never 
experienced ; for when all remittances ceased from that quar- 
ter whence she might naturally expect them, a certain, though 
small income, was supplied by her own relatives ; and that 
long before she became a widow. In her latter years, when, 
by the pressure of sickness, her necessary expenses were un- 



188 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

avoidably increased, her resources were, from time to time, en- 
larged by the offerings of Christian love : as well as by the 
generous and more regular assistance rendered her by her af- 
fectionate nephews. And so much was her naturally indepen- 
dent spirit corrected by grace, that she became as willing to 
receive kindness as to show it. Indeed she could take pleas- 
ure in necessities, as we see in the following passages of her 
diary : — 

Nov. 1803. — "When persons have been, like myself, re- 
duced in life, and brought to a state of dependence, it is very 
common to hear one and another old friend and acquaintance, 
say, with a tone of pity, 'Ah ! I knew her in her better days ! 
I remember so and so, in her better days !' Nor is there any 
impropriety in the expression, in their sense of it. But this I 
know by experience, that the days of ease and worldly prosper- 
ity are seldom to Christians, their better days. So far from it, 
that, to the praise and glory of God's holy name would I speak 
it, I have substantial reason to call these my better days ; — these 
days and nights of pain, — these days in which I am visited with 
an incurable disorder, — these days of frequent anxiety from 
various quarters ; these days of almost absolute confinement 
and solitude, — are not only my better, but my best days : be- 
cause the Saviour condescends to be more present with me in 
them ; to manifest himself as he does not to the world ; to 
stand by my bed of affliction, and speak kindly to my heart ; 
because I am taught by affliction, and enabled by grace, to cul- 
tivate the life of faith ; which is as superior to the life of sense, 
as the heavens are higher than the earth ; and that, even in so 
very small a measure as I have known it. 

" I heartily, and, as far as I know, sincerely thank Thee, O 
Heavenly Father, for giving me the blessed portion of thy chil- 
dren, (though it be a bitter portion to flesh and blood,) rather 
than the portion of the worldling, which is too apt to be looked 
upon with admiration, desire, and envy, — even by such as in 
reality know better." 

Dec. 11, 1803. — "A letter has lately brought tidings of the 
approach of an outward calamity which I have long dreaded : 
but because it has never actually taken place, I had in some 
measure, (as I discover by my present feelings,) ceased to re- 
alize it as probable. It is now come upon me like a flood, — 
and I have for some days been in danger of sinking, more than 
I ought, in the newly troubled waters. I had hoped, as my 
days are near a close, I should have been permitted to go to 
the grave in outward as well as inward peace ; I had hoped to 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 189 

have no new solicitude as to how I should be taken care of, — 
when, behold, the waves began to rise higher and rougher. 
My unbelieving fears would present terrible things to my view. 
I have already looked at the waters till I begin to sink. But 
to-day rny Saviour has stretched out his arm of love, and has 
said to me, as he said to the disciples, ' Wherefore do ye doubt, 

ye of little faith V And I now find, though everything with- 
out continues the same, that the storm within begins to subside, 
and I am filled with shame that I am still of so little faith : little 
indeed ! to doubt after such manifold mercies : I would go to 
Manoah's wife and blush. 

" I am often told by my invaluable minister, and I know it 
by almost continual experience, that I am shamefully defective 
in faith with respect to the supply of my bodily wants. I am 
rather at a loss how to account for this. I seem more able to 
exercise faith with regard to the supply of my spiritual, than 
my temporal wants. Yet how inconsistent is this ! for will 
God take care of the greater and not of the less ? Will he pro- 
vide for my soul, and leave my body to starve ? Yet still mis- 
givings harass me, and I feel it harder to live by the day, in 
this case, than in any other. ' Lord, increase my faith,' and 
pardon my sin and folly." 

It might not be easy, at this remote period, to ascertain what 
particular circumstance threatened suddenly to cut off Mrs. 
Hawkes' small pecuniary supplies. The distress which such 
an event would occasion her, even in anticipation, may be con- 
ceived, — since she was now living with relations who were not 
able to receive her without remuneration. That her present 
fears were of this nature may be gathered from the following 
note, sent to her by Mr. Cecil at this moment of anxiety : — 

" My dear Madam, 
" As I cannot stir without my horse, and as it is dangerous 
to venture out in such a frost, I add a line with the rest, this 
morning, to say, that whatever pain the letter you received 
yesterday might occasion you, — and of course it would give 
us pain on account of your feelings, — yet I confess to you that 
we have a secret satisfaction in every movement which has a 
tendency to place you again in your old quarters. From hence 

1 most sincerely wish you may never be removed, till you enter 
the ' House not made with hands, eternal in the heavens.' I 
am also happy to observe, that we are not more desirous to have 
you for a perpetual guest, than my daughters are to administer 
to your many, and often painful infirmities ; nor do I believe that 



190 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

any piece of news, — not even the defeat of Bonaparte, — would 
give them so much pleasure as your return. 

" I have had a thought upon your affairs, which I will com- 
municate as soon as I can. Till then, I am glad you have taken 
no step. I remain most truly yours, 

"R. Cecil. 

"Friday morning, Dec. 9, 1803." 

Under the existing circumstances, it was thought advisable 
that Mrs. Hawkes should leave, for a season, her present dwell- 
ing, and return to Little James Street. There she remained 
till Mr. Cecil's family went to Chobham in the following sum- 
mer: at which time her affairs being arranged, she returned 
back to her niece at Constitution Row, with whom she resided 
nine years : — making only occasional visits, in the winter, to 
her friends in Little James Street. 

The complaint from which Mrs. Hawkes was suffering, (an 
internal tumor,) occasioned, among other painful symptoms, 
severe attacks of spasm. Medical men were of opinion, that her 
decease would take place suddenly, from the great oppression 
on her breath, — should the tumor continue to increase in size, 
as rapidly as it had hitherto done. In one of her letters to 
Mrs. Jones about this time she says : 

" I was this morning awakened out of sleep by some dis- 
tressing oppression upon my breath, which gave me the idea 
of sudden death : but as this has so long and so often attacked 
me, it is not a circumstance to be considered as the immediate 
forerunner of dissolution, or I had been gone long ago. I con- 
sider it, however, as a call to be ready ; and I never feel my 
mind so composed and happy, as when I am under the strong- 
est impressions of being suddenly called home ; therefore, in- 
stead of putting it from me, I cultivate and encourage the im- 
pression. 

" The expectation of sudden death, to one in any measure 
sensible of the importance of dying, keeps the soul awake, and 
careful to see that the loins be girded, and the lamp burning ; 
that all things are set in order and readiness, so that there is 
nothing to do but obey the summons. 

" The realizing of this expectation also helps me to get 
through some of my most painful exercises of mind much bet- 
ter and more easily. When a keen pang darts through me 
like a two-edged sword, and begins to rankle, I sometimes stop 
it by ' How foolish ! what does it signify % I am as one gone ! 
it cannot be long at any rate ! it may be the next hour ! nay, 
the next minute !' Perhaps the expectation itself may be given 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 191 

purposely to help me to endure : whether it be so or not, it cer- 
tainly has such an effect ; and I am grieved when anybody 
robs me of this comfort, by telling me I shall live* for years to 
come ; which, as no one can possibly know for certain, so I en- 
deavor to discredit it. If I am not deceived by my too de- 
ceitful heart, it gave me real pleasure w 7 hen Mr. A. said, last 
week, he perceived that the disease had increased, though my 
health was pretty good. Surely it cannot be displeasing to 
my Saviour that I should wish ' to be absent from the body, 
and present with Him.' I am comforted by the recollection 
that time is not necessary to Him, in order to bring about that 
meetness which is wanted to fit my soul for his glorious king- 
dom : ' With the word of a king there is power,' and he has 
only to say, ' Let it be done,' and his word shall be instantly 
followed by every necessary preparation. Surely I may an- 
swer to Him who saith, ' Behold, I come quickly,' — ' Amen ; 
even so, come, Lord Jesus ;' come, by the power of thy grace, 
to ripen me for the garner, and then send forth thy messenger 
to gather me in. But my pain bids me for the present, lay 
down my pen, and I obey, as I often do, most willingly. Oh 
what a heavy clog is this body !" 

The year 1804 supplies only a few unfinished extracts. 
Mrs. Hawkes' increasing disease, occasionally attended with 
severe spasms, may account for her discontinuing the use of a 
regular diary. From this period the scattered remains of her 
Christian experience are found on single scraps of paper, writ- 
ten probably at intervals of ease, and frequently marked with 
the date of the year only. 

1804. — " Why am I disposed to faint, or to complain, under 
my various afflictions ? Because my mind is not yet cast into 
the mould of the gospel. Does the Scripture mean anything, or 
does it not, when, from beginning to end, it clearly and fully 
speaks, not only of the trials, temptations, and sufferings, of 
God's people, but of the blessedness of such as are thus tried. 
Nay, I know from happy experience, that ' It is good for me 
that I have been afflicted.' And yet I am often ready to say, 
' It is enough :' as if I were wiser than God ; or as if I would 
be treated differently from the rest of his children ; or as if the 
things I read of in the Bible were written as a mere history, 
rather than as what must be w 7 rought into my own experience. 
It is /, myself, that must ' count it all joy' when I ' fall into 
divers temptations.' It is /, that must ' reckon the sufferings 
of this present time as not worthy to be compared with the 
glory that shall follow.' It is 7, as well as Moses, that must 



192 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

' endure, as seeing Him who is invisible,' and with the very- 
same faith as he did ; substantially — actually — steadily. ' Lord, 
increase my faith !' Enable me to honor thee, by adding to 
the too few, who suffer cheerfully ; glorifying my Father which 
is in heaven. But this I can only do by the constant influences 
of thy Holy Spirit." 

1804. — " I think and believe, (if I am not much deceived,) 
that I do, from the very bottom of my heart, thank God, that 
he has not given me riches, honors, nor worldly prosperity. 
But I could not thank him for what he has denied me, if I was 
not conscious and sure that he has given me what is infinitely 
better ; so much better, that even the very earnest of my future 
inheritance yields more than I can describe ; so much better, 
that the afflictions, mortifications, fears, &c, that are given me 
instead of health, wealth, and honor, are, in my estimation, only 
the conveyance of necessary correction, medicine, and." — 

1804. — " I feel a very earnest desire to proclaim, as loud as 
I am able, ' The goodness of the Lord :' to bear witness to his 
mercy. And I desire it more especially, because as he hath 
declared himself in his holy word, so have I experienced him, 
through years of trial, affliction, and distress. He is good to 
the rebellious ; such was I. ' He is found of them that sought 
him not,' — nay, that sought everything but Him ; — such was I. 
1 He hears the cry of the destitute ;' He bears with, and pardons 
unfaithfulness, ingratitude, backsliding, impatience, &c. But as 
I cannot number his mercies, neither can I number my own 
demerits. For this cause I long to sound his praise. But my 
tongue is often kept silent, and perhaps ought to be more so, 
from the following considerations : 

First, The life and actions, and not the tongue, best sho>v 
forth the praise of God. It is easier to speak well, than to act 
well. Every day and hour, I can mark this, and that in some 
action or temper, that does not put honor upon God. 

Secondly, Lest constitution, and strong feelings, should give 
motion to my tongue, rather than grace. 

Thirdly, Because self often steps forward into the place of 
that Divine object on whom I would dwell ; and pride would 
insinuate, ' How well you bear your affliction !' Well may the 
horrid insinuations strike me dumb ; and when this evil works, 
may I be dumb. 

Fourthly, Though, as far as I know, I do desire to be among 
the few that glorify God, and that because they are few, and 
because praise is due to him ; yet I fear, lest people may mis- 
take me, and think it is enthusiasm, or animal spirits, or vain- 
glory, or— 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 193 

Fifthly, Because, instead of exulting, I ought to be more 
humbled, more with my mouth in the dust, more full of confes- 
sion, of contrition, and self-abasement. When Job had the 
clearest and fullest knowledge of God, he said, ' Behold I am 
vile : 1 will lay my hand upon my mouth.' When the prophet 
saw the vision in the temple, he cried out, ' Woe is me, for I 
am undone.' For which I fear, that I am only on the surface 
of things, and that, therefore, my tongue is too flippant. 

" I wish I could get an answer to the inquiry, — How far a 
Christian, under peculiar trials, favored with peculiar supports, 
may with the tongue endeavor to show forth the Lord's 
mercy, notwithstanding he has, in himself, causes of humilia- 
tion and sorrow, from the conflicts of sin and Satan ? — and, se- 
condly." — 

The interesting and important inquiry here suggested, causes 
a regret that the passage should end so. abruptly, as to deprive 
the reader of the close of that train of thought which occupied 
the mind of the writer. 

Mrs. Hawkes was now seldom able to attend public ordi- 
nances. Her great love to the courts of the Lord's house, in- 
duced her to make many painful efforts to frequent them. She 
could only be conveyed to church on an elastic cushion, placed 
between the seats of a hackney coach ; and the paroxysms of 
her pain frequently prevented her from remaining through the 
service. How her soul longed after renewed opportunities of 
worshipping in the sanctuary, and what was her estimate of 
them, will be seen from the following letter to Mrs. Jones, in 
which she writes : 

" I was out on Sunday morning, because it was sacrament 
Sunday ; but I much question if I can now go, except on those 
feast-days, which I shall give up still more reluctantly, if pos- 
sible, than I do the other Sundays, which are commonly feast- 
days too. But if I am deprived of both, I trust I shall not want ; 
tor it is not from the ordinances, but from the God of ordi- 
nances, that good cometh. I am, indeed, constantly astonished 
at the goodness and mercy I every day experience : so much 
demerit, and yet so much loving-kinduess ! Truly as the heav- 
ens are higher than the earth, so are His ways above our ways ! 

"This time last year, I thought, if I could live to see an- 
other winter, I should feel really unhappy. Yet I have lived, 
and I am now glad on the account ; for, though it has been a 
year of suffering, yet I have also therein largely experienced 

9 



194 MEMOIRS OF MRS. IIAWKES. 

the Lord's faithfulness, love, and amazing condescension. The 
views of himself and eternal things with which he has favored 
me ; the nearness and dependence into which he has been gra- 
ciously leading me; together with a deep and abiding sense of 
my own entire unworthiness and helplessness ; and the vanity 
and emptiness of earthly things, such as I never could have 
gained but by suffering; — these oblige me to say, I am glad 
I have seen this year : and I am led to hope that if it should 
seem best to the Divine will to continue me yet longer, 1 shall 
not in the end be sorry. I confess I should feel it better to de- 
part ; yet I have no doubt that our conceptions of what God 
has to reveal to faith, even in this world, are very inadequate. 
We may say, I shall see glorious things in heaven ; and a 
stronger degree of faith would say, I may, I shall, if it is not my 
own fault, see by faith glorious things on earth — such as the 
heart has never once conceived. The glorious character of the 
Triune God seems a subject of which we can hardly take a 
glimpse ; and which calls for every capacity of the soul and 
mind to explore in any degree. How does it, at the same time, 
both humble and exalt ! 

" According to sense, I have much more to fear now than I 
had last year. The prospect is dismal, and when faith ebbs, 
and sense prevails, my fears are mighty ; yet I dare not tempt 
Divine power and goodness, by allowedly giving place to de- 
spondency. Who is it that has taken care of me hitherto ? 
And who has kept me as in the hollow of his hand ? Who is it 
that has put it into the heart of so many friends to show me 
such wonderful kindness ? Ah ! he is too tried a friend for me 
to distrust." 

While, however, Mrs. Hawkes was generally prevented from 
worshipping in the assembly of the saints, she was not left 
comfortless ; but was still enabled to seek, and enjoy, ineffable 
communion with her adorable Saviour ; of which a glimpse is 
afforded in the following extract : — 

Jan. 13, 1805, Sunday. — "While seeking, and weeping, 
after my Lord and Saviour, he seems to say to me with the 
same gracious love and benignity as he did to Mary, * Woman, 
why weepest thou, whom seeketh thou ?' My heart replies, I 
seek one, whom not having seen I love. One, whom my faith 
realizes as ' the chiefest among ten thousand, and altogether 
lovely.' One who can make me happy in himself, though all 
other things were against me. One, whom to know is present 
joy, and life eternal. I would only live to become more ac- 
quainted with him." 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 195 

Jan. 20, 1805, Sunday. — " Word was brought me that Mr. 
C.'s text this morning was, ' Say ye to the righteous, It shall 
he well with him;' or, 'Say ye to the righteous, good.' 

" ' The characters are such as God esteems good — not man — 
not themselves.' 

" I desire to stand forward as a witness to the truth of this 
text. I have had years of pain, of humiliating circumstances 
— of anxious cares and forebodings — of perpetual disturbance — 
of inward conflict — of much confinement — yet I have had ex- 
perience of good, unspeakable, — therefore, in pain, in weak- 
ness, in humiliating circumstances, in disappointments, in soli- 
tariness, in tossings, in conflict, and especially in death, ' Say 
ye to the righteous, good.' And let every one hear his tes- 
timony that ' good is the word of the Lord which he hath 
spoken.' " 

During the winters of 1805 and 1806, the writer of this 
Memoir had the privilege and happiness of being Mrs. Hawkes' 
constant companion and attendant. At that time a deep im- 
pression was made upon her mind, though but a child, by wit- 
nessing the cheerful submission with which Mrs. Hawkes bore 
her sufferings. Her kind and instructive conversation made 
the hours, even of a sick-room, to pass pleasantly. Every in- 
terval of tolerable ease was occupied in listening to reading, 
during which she would employ her hands in doing many little 
offices, in order to lessen the duties of a servant, or to promote 
cleanliness and order. Even when the infirmities of age were 
added to those occasioned by disease, she was a pattern of in- 
dustry and effort. She used often to say, " I consider it an abso- 
lute duty not to yield to feelings of languor and lassitude, but 
to rouse myself to exertion ; and I find that such efforts, though 
often painful, tend to keep up good habits, which, in pain and 
sickness, we naturally incline to neglect." 

Mrs. Hawkes' hours of pain and solitude were at this time 
much relieved by the Christian friendship, as well as medical 
attention, of Dr. Fearon, whose active, sympathizing, and un- 
remitting kindness was continued to the end of her life. The 
benefit and comfort which she derived from Dr. Fearon's visits, 
may be inferred from an allusion which Mr. Cecil makes to his 
temporary absence from town, in the following letter to Mrs. 
Hawkes : — 

" Chobham, Aug. 26, 1805. 
" My dearest Daughter, 

" I was thinking (after reading your letter to Mrs. C, 



196 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

received this morning,) of the new symptom of your disorder, 
and the long absence of Dr. Fearon, and that I should send 
you a line : but it occurred, What have I to write about ? espe- 
cially on a Saturday, when I ought only to think of my ser- 
mons for the morrow. Yet I ought to recollect, that I have 
some reasons also for writing. Are you not one of the ' plants 
of my hand, and children of my prayer V Are you not passing 
through a very trying dispensation, though, as my wife says, 
the very happiest woman in the world ? Is there, as you remark, 
a soul left in town, &c, &c. 

" But I must tell you, my dear daughter, that I have received 
considerable benefit from passing through the marked parts of 
' Adam's Thoughts, (which indeed are almost all marked in 
my book,) and particularly with respect to the entire resigna- 
tion we should make of our own will and choice, as to the 
things and events. A believer seems quite to forget himself 
when he begins to wish. ' The such and such things,' (such 
I mean as Fortunatus's cap and purse, and the ten thousand 
things besides, which the unfortunatuses pine after in vain,) 
are all in the believer's inventory, and ready for his use, when- 
ever he can use them. Of this we have infallible certainty ; 
we acknowledge it, and then sit down and wish ! 

" ' God,' says Mr. Adam, ' give me what thou knowest to 
be good, and thou alone knowest ; and if that is the reverse of 
what I ask, give me that reverse, and let me not be undone by 
my prayers.' 

" We are, in short, all wrong till we are in this state of mind ; 
while, the listening to our suggestions, and the leaning to our 
understandings, is but walking with fools and robbers, the 
trained gang of old ' Lord Will-be-will,' that wicked one, which 
my little daughter so cries out against. 

" I cannot get a house in either of the parishes, or anything 
like one.* I have a mere chance, and that at four miles' dis- 
tance ; and as Mr. Jerram comes with his family at Michael- 
mas, to make preparation against his scholars' return in Octo- 
ber, it is probable that I must remain here later than my fami- 
ly, — which, I fear, you will sadly lament, as I have reason to 
think you are yet not quite out of old Will-be-will's control, 
though I know that you, as well as the child, protest against 
his government. 

"But after what I have written, I must not go to wishing, 

* It was on this occasion that Thomas Bainbridge, Esq., a member 
of Mr. Cecil's congregation at St. John's, kindly and generously came 
forward, and built a house at Chobham, which he let to Mr. Cecil, at 
a low rate, as long as he was able to make use of it. — Ed. 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 197 

but endeavor by example, to teach you not merely to be satis- 
fied, but to be -pleased with whatever occurs. Yet as I feel 
greatly the infirmities of age coming on, and as I do not expect 
soon to be able to say with Adam, ' Blessed be God for all his 
favors, and particularly for the special mercy of the stone,' I 
cannot help wishing for a quiet retreat for the old age of your 
very affectionate father and friend, 

"R.Cecil." 

A slight reference has been made (page 146) to the circum- 
stance, that after Mrs. Hawkes became dependent, she had 
thoughts of opening a boarding-school. In one of the memo- 
randums which belong to the year 180C, she confirms this fact, 
by her own allusion to it : — 

1806. — "In reviewing the great privilege, and high advan- 
tage, of being an inmate in the house of my revered minister, 
I have been ready to ask — Why is this ? Surely it is to fit me 
for some more active and useful sphere hereafter. When I had 
thoughts of opening a boarding-school, my inquiry seemed an- 
swered. But how different is my dispensation ! Instead of 
active life, I am visited with an incurable disease, shut up to 
endure solitary days and nights, in pain and restless turnings. 
Instead of instructing others, I am made to turn my eyes in- 
ward to my own heart. How great have been my advantages, 
in having so long before my eyes the example of my afflicted, 
suffering minister ! How often have I seen him bear up under 
the pain ! What lessons of humility, faith, patience, holy for- 
titude, cheerful submission, resignation, and even thankfulness, 
has he constantly exhibited ! How he has seized every interval 
of ease for the good of the church ! laboring under extremity 
of pain, in his holy calling. And are these lessons nothing 
worth to one who has also to pass through many sufferings ? 
They are of unspeakable value ; and my aim shall be to im- 
prove such an example, how little soever I may attain ; and I 
will look for the same Divine helper that he had." 

1806. — "I am much grieved for a dying friend who is in a 
very uncomfortable state of mind ; and who seems unable to 
adopt under her dispensation, the language of Jeremiah, ' He 
putteth his mouth into the dust,' &c. ' Wherefore doth a 
living man complain ?' Lam. iii. She unhappily keeps looking 
at second causes — a sure way to pierce herself with the sharp- 
est thorns. Whatever blame may, and often does, attach to 
instruments, yet it is the believer's privilege, and highest wis- 
dom, to refer every circumstance through life, great and small, 



198 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

to God, the great First Cause, who numbers the hairs of our 
head. Till the heart and mind are brought to bow down in 
absolute submission, and to say with full consent and satisfac- 
tion, ' Shall not the Judge of all the earth do right V there is 
no rest for the soul. 

" But how is this absolute submission, self-renunciation, and 
ful acquiescence in the Divine will, to be obtained ? By read- 
ing many books ? By hearing many sermons ? By frequent- 
ing the sacramental table ? By the best human instruction 
and persuasion ? By separating from the customs, fashions, 
amusements, and company of the gay world ? By learning to 
speak the language of piety ? By maintaining a religious pro- 
fession, and consorting with the excellent of the earth ? By 
having the understanding enlightened to understand gospel 
doctrines ? By occasional strong convictions of sin, and fre- 
quent retiring to read the Scriptures ? By saying, and with 
meaning too, ' Let me die the death of the righteous V Not 
by these means alone, is this lesson of submission to be obtain- 
ed : but also by a deep impression made upon the heart, by 
the teaching of the Holy Spirit. The blessed Spirit alone can 
give a ' contrite heart ;' and a contrite heart alone can be an 
absolutely submissive heart. 

" Come Holy Spirit, and teach me never more to question, 
never more to dispute, never more to resist, never more to com- 
plain, never more to doubt, fear, or faint : but teach me entire 
submission to, and simple dependence upon, infinite wisdom, 
infinite power, and infinite mercy." 

1806. — "My pain and the restlessness of my days and 
nights, is not to be described. I am driven by absolute neces- 
sity ' to live by the day :' nor can I ever be sufficiently thank- 
ful for this happy secret. To look forward to the morrow, 
would be to look, like Peter at the waves, and sink. But to 
live by the day, enables me, in some degree, to walk upon the 
waters : or, at least, to keep hold of the rope thrown out by a 
friend to save me from sinking. How invaluable is that Friend, 
who not only holds out the rope, but who enables me to lay 
hold of it ! while He, at the same time, keeps (if I may so 
speak,) the upper end of it in his own Almighty hand. 

" I hope that, among other invaluable lessons I have gained 
from my revered minister, I have in some measure learnt to 
comfort myself, during fits of pain, by frequently enumerating 
my mercies. And I always come to the conclusion, that the 
half cannot be numbered : especially if I take a view of my 
deserts." 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 199 

We will close the year 1806, with a letter from Mrs. Hawkes 
to Mrs. Jones, in which she farther describes her feelings at this 
period : 

" How does my dear sister ? and how does all her house- 
hold, with whom my thoughts are often in the day ? Time 
makes all possible haste to speed us where, I trust, we shall 
enjoy each other's society without a sigh or tear. Strange, and 
almost past belief, that I should be near the close of 1806, 
when in 1801, I had, as I thought, all things in readiness to 
set sail, and but a very short voyage in prospect. I fear, that 
from long-continued expectation, I begin to be insensible, and to 
lose sight that I still, as much as ever, stand on the banks of 
Jordan ; and that sentence suspended, is not sentence revoked. 
How insensible, and strangely stupid, is human nature ! No- 
thing less is sufficient to keep the mind awake than one shake 
after another ; so I find it even while, as it were, carrying 
death about with me. But everybody is not so stupid, so 
cumbered by a vile body. I often, like Samson, attempt to 
* go out and shake myself as at other times ;' and get my books 
and things around me, and say to myself, ' Now I can go on 
again.' But soon, alas ! the heavy clog weighs down my mind, 
— or restlessness distracts it, — and I find I can do nothing. How- 
ever, I have to be thankful that if in one respect my case re- 
sembles Samson's, it does not in the other ; for the Lord is not 
departed ; though that He is not, is owing to His own unspeak- 
able mercy, and not to anything He can see in me ; for truly 
He can see only utter depravity, want of faith, of love — with 
weakness of eveiy sort. I am sometimes ready to shrink when 
I consider that if I see such evil and death in myself, what must 
those eyes behold that search and pierce the spirits through ! 
If the holy prophet cried out, ' Woe is me, for I am a man of 
unclean lips,' what must such a creature as I say ? Thanks be 
to God, He has put it into my mouth and into my heart, what 
to say ; and as far as he enables me, His word I will plead, 
and His promises will I build upon : and thus truth shall be 
maintained, and peace and joy in believing be secured. I have 
these words much in mind, ' To whom coming as unto a living 
stone.' If spiritual life were lodged in our hands, our souls 
would be in a withering state : but it is lodged in higher 
hands ; and it is our privilege, no less than our duty, to be in 
the constant habit of applying for it. ' To whom coming,' a 
continued act. Oh for faith to be more alive to the exercise ! 
This alone makes life to be endured, — especially such life as mine ; 
and when faith grows feeble, then it is truly a burden to live. 



200 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" I know not how I shall feel when death really approaches ; 
but at present, I have much comfort in thinking I shall leave a 
weary world before old age arrives : though I confess, I do 
shrink at the expectation of the dreadful pain that must, as far 
as I can judge, attend my dismission. The threatening fore- 
tastes I already have, make me tremble : yet I know the Divine 
arm is still able to support me through the most trying hour ; 
and that if it pleases my Saviour to allow me faith to lean, 
like John, upon his breast, no pain would tempt me to give up 
that sacred privilege, in exchange for ease. My constant cry 
is, that I may be enabled to glorify God in extremity. I have 
been sadly deficient in this high privilege through life, and 
it will be a great mercy if I am enabled to do it in my sickness 
and death. Farewell, S. H." 

The year 1807 supplies only two memorandums, both of which 
are interesting, — as affording a specimen of the interior working 
of Mrs. Hawkes' mind, and her habit of strict self-examination. 
The first occurs at the beginning, and the second, towards the 
close of the year. 

Sunday, Jan. 4, 1807. — "In approaching the table of the 
Lord to-day, I think I had, in some measure, an answer to my 
prayers for recollection. I went with the idea that perhaps this 
might be the last time I should ever be present at that sacred 
ordinance ; and my prayer was, that all my sins and follies 
might indeed be blotted out by that precious blood which was 
shed for sinners, and which ' cleanseth from all sin :' and that 
my Saviour would undertake for me with respect to my suffer- 
ings and death. I endeavored to urge the plea of the Psalmist, 
4 Thou hast been a shelter for me;' O be such to me unto the 
end. It was in this favored house thou didst first say unto me, 
4 Live.' In this house, thou hast, through the ministry of thy 
faithful servant, brought me up even till now. Here have I 
been nourished and cherished as a child under a tender nurse. 
Here, I have been fed with the choicest food, and learnt my 
best lessons ; and here I have found my best friends. Lord, 
let these past mercies be a pledge of future favors. While thus 
pleading, it was said to my heart, ' Daughter, remember.' Rec- 
ollection presented to my mind a view so vivid, and so extensive, 
that in vain shall I try to delineate it ; I can only sketch the 
mere outline. I was particularly struck with this remark in the 
sermon I had just been hearing, (upon Luke, xvi. 25.) 'Among 
other considerations which makes a death-bed awful, is this, — 
that it is generally a time of recollection ; it is then emphatically 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 201 

said, 'Son, remember.' This awfully important consideration 
has led me to cry to my Saviour that this time of painful rec- 
ollection may be before, and not in, my last hours. That 
those sins and follies which I have forgotten, or thought lightly 
of, — but which must yet be set before me, for repentance, hu- 
miliation, and in order to magnify divine mercy in so long bear- 
ing with me, — may, if it please Him, be brought to my view be- 
fore I have to struggle with weakness and pain, confused facul- 
ties and death." 

In the summer of this year, Mrs. Hawkes was again at- 
tacked by severe spasms. The state both of her body and 
mind at this time, is described in the following letter to Mrs. 
Jones : — 

" In the sharpest attack of spasms I have had for the last 
two years, and which lasted six hours without intermission, 
your letter was brought to me. 'That is right,' I said, 'you 
have brought me the best cordial this earth can afford.' May 
the Lord, who knoweth what I need, continue my beloved sis- 
ter to me as long as it shall please Him that my pilgrimage 
should continue. 

" The weather is so very seasonable for the harvest that I am 
afraid to say how it oppresses me, lest it should look like com- 
plaint. Last night I was not able to remain in bed, but being 
relieved from the spasms, I could not be thankful enough that I 
had not those pains to endure as well as the heat. Ah, at the 
worst of times there is abundant cause for praise ! I often thank 
the Lord, not that I am a sinner, but that since, alas ! I am so, 
he shows it to me ; because the knowledge of my deserts gives 
me to feel everything so mixed with mercy. I can sit and enu- 
merate, time without end, the sufferings I deserve, and have not. 
This instances free and sovereign grace beyond- the calculation 
of angels.. Yet I still love to mourn, and be ashamed, over a 
thousand shoots of that root of bitterness, heart-atheism ; for 
what but this makes me ever cast down about the future ? 
What but this makes me a practical unbeliever, while calling 
myself a believer ? What but this makes me stand aghast at 
some of the dark ways of Providence ? Oh for faith to take the 
Scriptures as a child does his horn-book, and never once ask why 
A is placed before B. It is so — and if we will perversely mis- 
place the alphabet, we shall never get on, except in ignorance 
and folly. Two or three most affecting providences have lately 
occurred, within my circle of friends, to persons of real godliness, 
which are so overwhelming and mysterious, that I say in my 

9* 



202 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

haste, — give me the Bible, and may the Lord give me faith to 
fix on it, or my head will grow giddy with amazement, confu- 
sion, and dread. ' Shall not the judge of all the earth do right V 
Let a thousand and ten thousand tongues, with the deepest rev- 
erence reply, ' Righteous art thou, O Lord.' This makes a^rac- 
tical believer. But I, sad to say, am not one of that blessed 
number ; * either with respect to myself or others ; yet it is well 
to have the standard, since, as Herbert says, 

' Who aimeth at the shy, 

Shoots higher far than he that means a tree.' 

" Ever yours, 

"S. H." 

From the same to the same. 

" As I have great pleasure in writing to my beloved sister, 
and as she kindly desires to hear often, I will write straight 
forward that which is uppermost. When ruminating on my 
pillow this morning, many painful and anxious thoughts rushed 
into my mind, like an overwhelming tide, till my tears began to 
flow. When I raised myself up, I opened my Bible upon the 
95th Psalm, which, the moment it met my eyes, seemed to call 
upon me with the voice of mercy and authority, not to be grov- 
elling among earthly cares, but to raise my heart, and join in 
the song, ' Come let us sing unto the Lord, let us make a joyful 
noise unto the rock of our salvation.' And through divine as- 
sistance, my soul mounted upwards on the wings of faith ; I for- 
got my anxieties, and my mouth was filled with praise : — first, 
for being led to the rock that is higher than I, and being ena- 
bled to feel it a rock of defence and of shade in a weary land : — 
secondly, for the many and great mercies I have experienced the 
last ten years of my life ; by which I am encouraged to hope 
that it shall be well with me to the end ; because ' the Lord is 
a great God, and in his hand are the deep places,' or the treas- 
ures hid in deep places : ' the sea is His,' &c. ; and therefore, 
though it may please him to humble me, by giving me but a 
scanty portion, it shall be a sufficient portion ; and last as long 
as it will be wanted, and come from whom He pleases. Where- 
fore, leaving the ordering and managing of all events to him, the 
conclusion is, ' to worship Him in spirit and in truth,' and to 
keep close to him by prayer ; blessing his holy name that He 
has made me ' the sheep of his pasture ;' and, though I am like 
the emblem, a poor, silly, weak sheep, yet I do know his 
voice, and desire, above all things, to follow my good shep- 

* Compare Mark, iv. 40, with Luke, xvii. 6. — Ed. 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 203 

herd most fully, till He be pleased to take me into his fold 
above. 

" Thoughts like these have dried up my tears, and will, I trust, 
give me a lift through another heavy day ; — for the hot weather, 
together with my many infirmities, truly make my days so heavy 
I scarcely know how to get through them. 

ik Ever yours, affectionately, 

" S. H." 

There remains only in this year, a reference made by Mrs. 
Hawkes, to a funeral sermon preached by Mr. Cecil, and 
which may be seen in his works, Vol. III., page 80, of the first 
edition, 

Nov. 22, 1801. — " Our revered minister preached this day on 
the death of the Kev. Nathaniel Gilbert, formerly assistant min- 
ister at St. John's Chapel. His text was taken from Psalm xxxvii. 
37 : 'Mark the perfect man, and behold the upright; for the 
end of that man is peace.' 

" I am much struck by some short accounts of Mr. G.'s truly 
peaceful end. For many years he had lived in the fear of 
death. But the latter part of his life, and especially from 
the beginning of his last illness, he lost every fear. When 
he was very near his last moments, he was heard to say in 
low, but animated accents, ' I am ready, Lord ! — Lord, I am 
ready P 

" Who but the real Christian can say this ? I would ask my- 
self, in the presence of an all-seeing eye, — can I, after having 
for many years the name to live, — after much desiring for 
many years to depart, — after having for many years warning to 
prepare for death, — ean I say, ' Lord, I am ready V Make dil- 
igent search, O my soul ; do any sins of folly, pride, infirmity, 
self-indulgence, ingratitude, &c, lie hidden, which thou hast not 
brought out, and dost not continually bring out, and spread be- 
fore the Lord, in deep repentance and humiliation ? Does any 
darling sin he rolled up, for which thou art pleading, ' Is it not 
a little one V Art thou that perfect, sincere, and entire charac- 
ter that was described this morning ? Is there no double-dealr 
ing, no subterfuge, no concealment, no face and color put upon 
thy actions ? And if the answer of conscience to all this is 
peace, dost thou renounce righteous-self as well as sinful-self? 
and rest on Christ alone for thy salvation ? Is He thy only 
hope, refuge, and plea, in life and in death ? If so, fear not ; 
but pray, and believe, that the same grace which was afforded 
the late dying saint, will, in the measure that is seen fit, be also 



204 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

afforded thee. In the mean time, till this happy hour arrive, 
watch and pray. This excellent faith must be sought for, 
and fought for too : none ever yawned it into being with a 
wish ; nor, when in being, kept it alive without a closo walk 
with God." 

The year 1808 opens with Mrs. Hawkes' remarks upon that 
affecting event which closed Mr. Cecil's public ministry, and 
which had been preceded by visible marks of his declining 
health and strength. 

March 2, 1808. — "This melancholy day confirms the fears 
and sorrowful apprehensions which have, for months past, per- 
vaded my mind. I, and many others, have marked, with an- 
guish of heart not to be expressed, my honored minister's 
rapid approach to the sad crisis at which he is now arrived ; 
probably never again to re-ascend that eminence on which he 
has so long stood ! Yesterday evening, he felt a paralytic affec- 
tion of his right hand ; and after going to bed, the use of his 
whole right side was taken away, and his speech rendered very 
inarticulate. 

" I have long expected this solemn event, and have endeav- 
ored to prepare my mind to meet it. But on the sight of my 
dear minister this day, I found how little my feelings could be 
prepared to meet so afflictive a circumstance. Language can 
never describe my sensations on seeing that grand temple, which 
I had known in all its glory, so defaced, so injured ! Oh, what 
is man in his very best estate ! Alas, for his widowed church ! 
Alas, for his bereaved family ! Alas, for my own irreparable 
loss ! ' My father, my father !' Weeping is now my meat and 
drink." 

Mrs. Hawkes' feelings upon this mournful occasion, may be 
so easily conceived, that it is not needful farther to enlarge upon 
them. At the time this dispensation took place, her mind was 
well exercised in the graces of submission and resignation. But 
still it might be needful that her views of ' ceasing from man' 
should be more deeply impressed. Such was indeed the effect 
produced. She was repeatedly reminded by her own sufferings 
that ' time was short,' and that she was to ' weep as though she 
wept not.' It will be seen by what follows, how soon after 
writing the above, she was herself again brought to the confines 
of the eternal world. 

July, 1808. — " Truly I may, in a certain sense, say, I have 
been in ' deaths oft.' And yet death, though permitted to ad- 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 205 

vance, is again ordered to recede. I have been taken down to 
the edge of the grave, and endeavored to contemplate an im- 
mediate entrance. But neither is this sickness unto death. It 
is to awaken my drowsy powers : it is to arouse me from the 
supineness and stupidity I had insensibly fallen into. And I 
heartily thank my gracious Saviour, for thus dealing with me. 
I thank him for this fresh visitation of pain and danger ; and 
that He has by his all-sufficient grace made my sufferings very 
profitable. Whenever I again fall into the same state of insen- 
sibility, may He again take that method that pleases Him best, 
to rouse me from my lethargy. My heart, like an old picture, 
had become dim and defaced, obscured, soiled, — and its traces 
faded. It wanted to be retouched by the master's hand ; and 
I trust this is in some measure effected, though not in the de- 
gree which I desire it should be." 

The increased debility which this severe attack of illness oc- 
casioned, is feelingly described by Mrs. Hawkes, in a letter to 
Mrs. Jones, to whom she writes : — 

"What an infinite and stupendous mercy is a throne of 
grace, when, by the Spirit's assistance, we can approach it in 
simplicity and faith ! Without this, such an existence as mine 
would be an insupportable burden. My life, like that of many 
other poor sufferers, is entirely a hidden one. I appear, as peo- 
ple tell me, comparatively well ; while all the time I am sensi- 
ble of such pain and weakness as drinks up my spirits, and 
dries up the marrow and strength of my frame. This is always 
the case, at the best of times ; and thankful I am, at the close 
of each day, that one more day is past. When I rise up in 
the morning, I say, with a sigh, ' Now for another heavy day, 
which will probably pass, like the last, in laboring to do some- 
thing, but end in doing nothing.' Such a lingering death calls 
for faith and patience ; and I trust that though- I groan, I do 
not murmur ; if I did, my merciful supports and mitigations 
would rise up against me, and fill me with shame. Whether 
my dispensation be for discipline, or for correction, (and I be- 
lieve it is for both,) I have not a word of complaint to utter ; for 
He visits me less than my deserts, and multiplies loving-kind- 
ness above my expectation. ' He is able to do exceedingly 
abundantly above all that we can ask or think :' and often sur- 
prises the soul with some gracious manifestation which infuses 
into it fresh vigor. Blessed be his name, He does strengthen 
the inward man, while the outward decays daily, though in- 
deed so slowly, that none is sensible of it but myself. There 
is comfort in seeing life spared when it can be used to some 



206 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWSES. 

purpose : but as to mine, I see no use that it is of: but I check 
the thought : for it is of use to myself, to make me more meet 
for heaven ; and since it is the Divine will, that is enough, 
without any other reason whatever ; for the will of God is the 
result of all his other divine attributes, — wisdom, power, and 
love. Grant, therefore, Lord, that there never may arise in 
my mind a ivish that anything should be altered ; but only 
that I should be made conformable unto thy will in every 
jot and tittle. 

" It was well said by one, ' If God condescended to ask me 
what I should choose, I would refer the matter back again to 
Him to choose for me.' I long for self-annihilation, so that not 
even a thought should arise, ' If I had but this, or if I had but 
that.' All I really want is more grace, more exercise of faith. 
Yet a very little while, and it shall be said, ' Come, ye blessed, 
inherit the kingdom I have prepared for you.' Till that happy 
time arrive, I would live in the exercise of repentance, as upon 
my daily bread ; for this flows from faith, and makes Christ 
precious. Pray for me, that I may have more of this." 

One more private extract shall close this year. 

1808. — " I have been shocked and grieved for some time past 
at the ill behavior of a favorite servant. My thoughts this 
morning were involuntarily enumerating the kind acts I had 
done to her ; and the ungrateful returns she had made, were 
beginning to raise a ferment in my mind, till an inward hint 
was given me, — ' All this is only a faint picture of what you 
are towards your heavenly Master ; nay, what is far worse, to- 
wards your heavenly Father. Take all her defects, and ingrati- 
tude, and make the parallel, and learn how infinitely are your 
sins greater than hers.' Lord, I acknowledge the charge ; I 
cease to be angry ; I lay my mouth in the dust. 

" How would a habit of bringing the faults of others, as a 
glass in which to see my own, cure me of censuring, and of 
high-mindedness ! Instead of doing this, the reverse is too 
often the case. The faults of others are dwelt upon ; magni- 
fied ; while my own, through self-love, are excused, palliated, 
passed lightly over. May I henceforth learn a better lesson. 

" ' And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and 
seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent, thou 
shalt forgive him.' Luke, xvii. 4. 

" If a brother, that is, any human being, is commanded to 
extend, beyond all limits, forgiveness to a brother, — what may 
I not infer as to the extension of the Divine forgiveness % Why 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 207 

then does every fresh failure, repeated oftener, alas ! than seven 
times in a day, produce a timid backwardness to go to my Sa- 
viour, and say in deep humiliation, 'I repent;' and why do I 
not simply believe that He will forgive me in a way no brother 
can forgive a brother ? 

Quere. — " Does my heart, in the sight of God, honestly bear 
testimony, that, after every sinful deviation and failure, I do 
truly repent, and am heartily sorry for such misdoings ; or, do 
I only experience a partial regret? 

Secondly, — " Does every fresh application to Christ for par- 
don, render sin more hateful, increase real contrition, self-abhor- 
rence, and indignation ? Does it excite a holy jealousy, and 
produce a reverential fear of offending ; or does the freeness of 
pardon and grace incline to carelessness or negligence ? 

" If I loved a friend as my own soul, would I for all the 
world grieve or offend him ? and if I do offend, is there any 
sorrow so poignant ? and in proportion as my friend is ready 
to forgive me, am I not unable to forgive myself? — Have I such 
feelings as these with respect to my Saviour ? If I dare answer 
in the affirmative, then I need not fear to go seven times in a 
day, and say, ' I repent ;' nor fear the freeness and fulness of 
pardoning mercy, and strengthening, renewing grace. ' Lord, 
increase my faith.' " 

In the early part of the year 1809, Mrs. Hawkes was much 
occupied in attending the dying-bed of Mrs. Cecil's second son, 
Israel, during the absence of his parents, who were at Bath. In 
the month of March she writes to a friend, — 

" Poor Israel Cecil has been hovering between life and death 
for six weeks ! the physicians declare they have never met with 
such a case as this in all their practice ; such a lingering be- 
tween life and death ! You will easily conceive that my task 
to communicate every passing day's event to his distressed 
mother, must have been a painful one. The going daily, to and 
fro, in a coach to see him, has been as much as I could endure ; 
yet his mother was anxious that I should be with him ; and 
equally so is the kind friend at whose house he is, who seems 
to feel me a sort of substitute for his poor mother. His dear 
and honored parents are expected in town to-morrow, and I 
am under fresh anxiety of mind on hearing that Mr. C. is so 
poorly and feeble, that he is scarcely able to undergo the jour- 
ney ; and after the fatigue, to meet such a scene as their son's 
present state will present, is truly to be dreaded ! So you see, 
my dear friend, that woe is mixed in every cup : happy is it that 



208 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

inercy is also mixed with it. And since usefulness so extensive, 
labors so abundant, and piety so exalted, must still share in the 
lot of suffering common to the human race, — let each of us 
take our share with patience and submission." 

This labor of love was not long needed ; as the early sufferer, 
who had just attained his twenty -first year, was shortly after ad- 
mitted to that city, where " the inhabitant shall not say, I am sick." 

The state of her afflicted minister now wholly occupied Mrs. 
Hawkes' mind. It has been seen how she had learned to im- 
prove her own sufferings for increasing the graces of submis- 
sion and resignation. The present dispensation opened a field 
for new and varied exercises. And here we may observe the 
importance of St. Paul's exhortation to the Ephesians : " I de- 
sire that ye faint not at my tribulation for you, which is your 
glory." See also 1 Thess. iii. 3. The continued illness of Mr. 
Cecil, who was now totally laid aside by a paralytic affection, 
and laboring under that mental depression which so commonly 
attends this disorder, weighed on her spirits more heavily than 
she could well sustain ; as will appear by her own notes on this 
subject : — 

1809. — " I had almost said, my trouble and sorrow is greater 
than I can bear ! And so I may say, unless I am mercifully 
upheld by an Almighty arm of grace and power. Great as 
my own personal troubles have been, they seem nothing to the 
agony my heart feels for my honored minister and father in the 
Gospel, under his present dark dispensation. As to his bodily 
afflictions, many have been visited with the same ; but oh, if his 
mind might have been spared — if the dark cloud might but be 
dispersed ? for this I will pray day and night. Not that I am 
stumbled, though I am distressed. For ' shall not the Judge 
of all the earth do right !' And has he not a rio/ht to deal 
with his creatures as he pleaseth ? His wisdom cannot err ; 
His love and mercy cannot fail : silence and submission belong- 
to us, — and prayer and hope shall be our resource." 

Mrs. Jones expresses herself on this subject in language very 
similar to the above. In a letter to Mrs. Hawkes she says, — 

" I must confess, this world never appeared to me such a 
waste, howling wilderness, — such a vale of tears, — as since I 
have entered into the sorrows of that man of God ! What 
shall we say to these things ? but that they are too deep for us : 
we cannot know them ; we must be dumb because of our ig- 
norance. Herbert says, — 

' God nothing does, nor suffers to be done, 
But what thou wouldst thyself, couldst thou but see, 
Through all events of things, as well as He.' 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 209 

" But who can realize this in days of darkness ? or, in other 
words, who can believe that God's dispensations are dispensa- 
tions of love to his children ? At last I have gained this pain- 
ful knowledge, that my faith is small, — very small indeed." 

The struggle in Mrs. Hawkes' mind at this time, between 
believing and fainting, may be gathered from a letter sent June, 
1809, to Miss C. Cecil, in which she writes : — 

" I am sometimes ready utterly to faint under this painful 
dispensation : and to fear that the weight of it upon my mind, 
in my present very nervous and feeble state, will reduce me to 
a condition nearly as bad. And this would certainly be the 
case, did not a voice seem to say, ' hope against hope ;' wait ; 
1 Enter into thy chamber, and shut thy doors about thee ;' — 
this is the time not for despair but humiliation, and for wres- 
tling, like Jacob, in prayer. Yes, my love, there is a hand that 
has hold upon your dear father, even an Almighty hand : nor 
can sin, or Satan, or death, or hell, force him out of that hand; 
for it is said, ' ^"one shall pluck them out of my hand.' This 
Divine hand took hold of a ruined sinking world, just when 
the hellish powers began to triumph over their too successful 
plot for the destruction of our whole race ; but their defeat was 
glorious. Your dear father cannot just now see this hand, any 
more than we can see the sun through a dark cloud ; but, as 
he has himself often remarked, — ' How should we mistake, if 
we said the sun were not there, because the cloud was before 
it.' And even should the sun never appear, (as it never does 
to the blind,) yet this makes no difference ; — it shines still. 

" This dreary vision cannot last long : keep constantly upper- 
most in your mind that this depression is the effect of disease ; 
and should you see human weakness mixed with it, yet only 
remember the years and years that are past, when he went out 
and came in before you as an angel ; — and when, year after 
year, he endured constant pain with a firmness and patience, 
that astonished all who saw him. But this very pain, together 
with a variety of other things, has brought the poor machine 
to what it is. And now the force is upon the mind : but it 
will be well in the end, whatever may take place by the way. 

"But why do I write these things to you, since you know 
them ? However, there is one thing I would recommend to 
you, and it is what I daily aimed at myself, namely to improve 
this dispensation for the good of your own soul. Ah, my dear, 
this is a serious, a solemn work ; and must be persevered in. 
Yet abundant help is promised ; you are not to set about these 
things in your own strength ; — if you were, you might indeed 



210 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

say, ' Who is. sufficient for these things ?' ' Help is laid upon 
one that is mighty ;' — But what was it laid there for ? Even 
for such poor sinners as you and I, whom a corrupt nature, 
and a cruel adversary, would otherwise totally overcome. He 
will not give any who cry to him for help, into the hands of 
his and their insulting foes : for it is said, ' He ever liveth to 
intercede for us.' 

" You cannot have a just conception how much I am with 
you in spirit, nor how desirous I am to hear every particular 
about the dear sufferer, upon whom my anxious thoughts are 
unceasingly occupied ," 

To think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try 
either ourselves or others, is the propensity of human weak- 
ness and unbelief. How many assurances have we that " whom 
the Lord loveth he chasteneth ;" — that the trial of faith is pre- 
cious, as well as the grace itself, — and that, to trust God in dark 
providences is to honor him. There is a blessing pronounced 
on not seeing, and yet believing. Perhaps much that appears 
mysterious in God's dealings with his creatures, might be more 
easily comprehended by a clearer perception of that truth, " All 
flesh is grass, and all the godliness thereof is as the flower of the 
field ; the grass withereth, the flower fadeth ;" (Isa. xl. 6 ;) and 
this withering teaches us, with more entire acquiescence, to seek 
repose in that divine " dwelling-place," which has been the ref- 
uge of the saints " in all generations." The best estate of man 
upon earth is described by the Psalmist " as a shadow that de- 
clineth ;" but he adds, " Thou, O Lord, shalt endure forever ; 
and thy remembrance to all generations." Ps. cii. 11, 12. Our 
tender Father frequently prepares us for the loss of creature 
comforts, by some intervening circumstance, which shows us 
their weakness and their vanity ; and thus he gradually weans 
us from earthly attachments, and loosens our grasp of every ob- 
ject, short of himself. Such appears to have been Mrs. Hawkes' 
experience, under the solemn event which took place in the year 
1810, when, by a fit of apoplexy, the disorder under which Mr. 
Cecil had been languishing for two years, terminated in his 
death. 

August 15, 1810. — "A day ever to be remembered ! when 
the imprisoned spirit of my honored minister, and father in 
the gospel, was released from its painful and humiliating cap- 
tivity, and winged its way to the land of liberty and rest ! In 
past time, there was scarcely any event at which I could so 
little bear to look, as his death. But such an inroad, and havoc, 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 211 

had disease made on this extraordinary man, that I even longed 
for his release before it took place ; and when the tidings 
reached me, a sad and solemn gladness overspread my mind ; 
I could only contemplate the amazing change from pain, weak- 
ness, and depression, to glory unspeakable and never-ending ! 

" A few more suffering days for myself, and then, I trust, 
his own words, written to me in a letter, will be verified : ' to- 
morrow morning, you and I shall walk in a garden where I 
shall hope to speak to you about everything but sadness.'* 

" He is gone ! and, take his character in the whole combina- 
tion of it, and in its circumference, he surely has not left his 
like. He is gone ! unknown, but to those who lived with him 
in the same house. I had that privilege for many years. I 
have had the favor to attend him in his sick-chamber, — in his 
family retirements, — and in his most confidential habits ; — in 
those unbended, easy moments, when some, even great ones, 
have appeared little, and common — but when he appeared most 
superior. 

" It has been said, he was austere ; and before I knew him 
intimately, I thought so too : but it was only because he was 
not known. He was sometimes austere in like manner as truth 
is austere, — for he was a lover of truth. If there was any one 
virtue he prized more than another, it was integrity, — a high 
and honorable principle, and he would mark the smallest devi- 
ation from it, in a moment. Severity might sometimes sit on 
his brow — dart from his eye — and be perceived in his decided 
manner of speech : but it never for a moment lodged in his 
heart, — which was too noble, too benevolent, too affectionate, to 
be the seat of anything so unlovely as severity. And whenever 
he bore the aspect, it arose from the prevailing abstraction of 
his mind, which was always intensely pursuing rigid subjects ; 
and from his most uncommon energy and decision of character. 
But his friendly and benevolent sympathies were awakened in 
the moment they were called for. His heart, and his ear, were 
open to the cry of every sufferer, whether high or low. He 
was, like his Divine master, peculiarly the friend of the friend- 
less, — the comforter of the afflicted, — the gentle instructor of 
the ignorant. The rich he never sought ; the poor he never 
neglected or shunned. But words would fail me : his worth can 
never be known. No matter ; he had, and so should I have, 
higher views than the honor which cometh from man, — even the 
honor which cometh from God. May every one of his children, 
and myself, (who was unto him as a daughter,) be careful to 

* See page 124. 



212 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HA WEES. 

transplant his virtues and graces into our hearts and lives. We 
shall go to him, but he shall not return to us !" 

In the following month of September, Mrs. Hawkes went to 
stay a few weeks with Mrs. Cecil, at Bellevue-House, Hamp- 
stead. It was in this spot, that Mr. Cecil was residing when 
seized with that fit of apoplexy, by means of which his mortal 
garments were quickly changed for those of immortality. Dur- 
ing her stay in this house of mourning, where many circum- 
stances conspired to draw forth her tenderest feelings, she wrote 
the following memorandum, of which the former part is in ob- 
scure short hand : — 

Bellevite, ITamjistead, Sept. 1810. — "My father, my father, 
the chariot of Israel, and the horseman thereof I" * * 
a voice. * * he is gone ! But to me also a voice. 
I would follow him as my example, and devote every future 
moment to the great work of preparation for a dying hour. 
Death came here, and seized the captive in an instant : so may 
I expect him to come to me. ' Be ye also ready.' My valued 
and honored father had but one inquiry, — ' what is most 
needful for a dying man?' Everything else was, by him, 
deemed impertinent. If he was requested to lay aside his books, 
and rest his poring eye, and relax his weary mind, his reply 
was, ' Why talk of relaxation to a dying creature !' If it were 
not from stupidity, forgetfulness, and infatuation, every human 
being would feel the same. It is only because death and eter- 
nity are not realized as near, (though for aught we know, death 
is this moment coming over the threshold,) that we can turn 
aside to amusements, or any trifling pursuits whatever ; for how 
does it all appear to us, when entering the valley and shadow 
of death ? ' Verily altogether vanity.' 

" I am now ready to say, I shall never any more look to 
any creature for consolation. Painful experience has taught 
me the vanity of every earthly prop ; and henceforth my ex- 
pectation is only from my Saviour. To this my heart fully 
consents in its best moments ; I am well assured that this is 
the only way of peace and comfort ; and that many of my 
sorrows have arisen from leaning on an arm of flesh. As far 
as I know, I say sincerely, I no longer desire any human arm 
to rest upon. And yet I often detect a depression of spirits, 
when I reflect. Such and such a friend, who used kindly to 
visit me, and seem interested for me, is withdrawn ; and I am 
left solitary and desolate. How inconsistent is this ! How 



CHAP. V. FROM A. D. 1802 TO 1811. 213 

deceitful is the heart ! How far from being really, and indeed 
weaned from every creature, even when we fancy it is so !" 

To be sorrowful is the birthright of man ; but to be able to 
rejoice amidst suffering, is a privilege peculiar to the believer ; 
and the ground of this joy, is Christian hope ; " Rejoicing in 
hope," Rom. xii. 12. Though this is not the climate for fair 
and promising hopes, but rather for blighting, chilling, and 
withering fears ; — yet, that hope may not be supposed to have 
taken its flight from this unfriendly region, there are certain 
circumstances under which it not only flourishes, but defies 
the inroads of time, the decay of age, and all other attacks 
which threaten its destruction. In deep affliction, and in the 
near prospect of death, the Christian's hope, like the flower 
which blooms at midnight, appears in all its beauty and vitality, 
and casts its fragrance around the dying pillow. When the 
things of time are vanishing, and passing away like shadows, 
and the ocean of eternity presents itself, this hope is realized as 
substantial ; it is then especially found " an anchor of the 
soul, both sure and steadfast," or, as Dr. Owen says, " the sub- 
stance of it is firm, the proportion of it is suited to the burden 
of the ship ; it is no fair, promising, and yet deceitful engine. 
It is also, as to its use, steadfast and firm ; which no violence 
of winds, or storms, can either break, or move from its hold. 
Such is genuine hope to the soul ; it is sure, not a deceiving- 
imagination ; it ' maketh not ashamed' by any failure or disap- 
pointment. Groundless presumptions are the deceitful engines 
whereby the souls of multitudes are ruined every day ; of no 
more use than if the mariners should cast out a log, or a burden 
of straw, to stay their vessel in a storm. But hope, built on 
faith, is infallible : it is firm, invincible against all opposition ; 
not indeed from itself, but from the ground which it fixeth upon 
— Christ in the promise." 

This Christian hope sustained the mind of Mrs. Hawkes 
under every storm. " It entered within the veil," or through 
the heavens, and fixed on the person of Christ, as the cove- 
nant-head of all blessings for time and eternity. With the 
eye of faith, looking at things not seen, she beheld her departed 
minister amidst " the general' assembly and church of the first- 
born." She felt that, to her, one more earthly tie was loosened, 
and that now she had only to plume the wings of her soul, and 
prepare to soar away, and take her part in the general song of 
praise. 

Writing about this time to a very dear friend and sister in 
affliction, Mrs. C tt, she says : — 



214 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" Often, when in pensive mood, and the sun is, for a time, 
hidden behind some intervening cloud which unbelief has 
raised, and I am just going to hang my harp on the willows, 
I with shame take it back again, and begin some song of praise ; 
and that sets all to rights. The Scriptures, and especially the 
Psalms, not only abound with praise to our God, but assure 
us, also, that he is pleased with our praises : I think, scarcely 
any Christian seems to cultivate this temper of mind, this holy 
habit, sufficiently ; for it should not be an accidental, but an 
habitual frame of heart : not merely flowing from the sense of 
his mercies to ourselves, but from the contemplation of the glo- 
rious perfections and attributes of the Triune Jehovah, as he is 
in himself, and in relation to us, as poor fallen creatures. What 
a theme does this open ! Eternity alone can make us know and 
estimate it ! Oh, for faith to look, not at the things that are 
seen, which are temporal, tempestuous, contradictory, confused, 
and often heart-sickening, — but at those that are not seen, 
which are eternal, unchanging, certain, peaceful, and heart- 
cheering ! Not such a faith as generalizes, but realizes ; and 
which makes the things of sense retreat, and actually give place 
to the things of faith, with as much certainty, as if they were 
present and in possession. This, my honored friend, is our 
high privilege, and, I trust, our constant desire and aim, how- 
ever we may fail in the attainment. And, as to our failings, 
we will mourn over them, and fight against them ; but give no 
place to despondency, even for a moment, while Christ our 
Saviour ever liveth to intercede for us, at the right hand of the 
Majesty on high." 



CHAPTER VI. 

HER TEMPORARY ABODE AT BETOHWORTH. 

FROM A. D. 1811 TO 1812. 



Accepts Dr. Fearon's offer of a vacant parsonage -house — Her gratitnde 

on the occasion — Her sense of solitude — Letters to Mrs. C tt — 

She meets with an accident — Is obliged to return to London. 

Nine years had now elapsed, since Mrs. Hawkes went to re- 
side with her niece, in Constitution Row. Her next remove was 
occasioned, not by any remarkable change in health or circum- 
stances, but she was attracted by a very friendly and promising 
offer, of a vacant parsonage-house, at Betch worth, near Dork- 
ing, in Surrey ; belonging to her much valued friend, the Rev. 
Dr. Fearon. As this opening occurred early in the summer, 
when the country, especially in that part, is most inviting ; and 
as her health and nerves much needed the benefit arising from 
change of air, she thankfully acceded to the proposal, which 
seemed like a providential leading. It did not, however, in the 
result, appear to be a spot in which Mrs. Hawkes was appoint- 
ed to make any long stay ; her health compelling her within a 
few months to return to London. A memorandum, written 
soon after her arrival at Betchworth, exhibits that generous 
sensibility, with which, she ever met the kindness of friends : — 

Betchzvorth, 1811. — "Let me never cease to be grateful for, 
and deeply penetrated with, the great goodness of the Lord, in 
bestowing on me, most unworthy, the favor and friendship of 
his honored and faithful minister, Dr. Fearon. He has indeed 
put himself in the place of my dear departed father in the gos- 
pel, Mr. Cecil ; whose care for me I never expected to be again 
felt and exercised by any other. Yet here I am, dwelling in a 
house lent me by the generous, kind doctor ; both he and his 
wife are daily showing me kindness, and laying me under very 
weighty obligations. May the Lord be pleased to reward them 
a hundred fold : and may he give bis blessing to our inter- 



216 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

course, and make my sojourning here salutary to my body and 
soul ! In my revered friend, I have both an able physician, 
and a faithful and experienced minister. 

" I would above all things desire, that my heart should be 
affected towards my Saviour, as it is towards a friend dearly 
beloved ; that is, ever to be anxious for His sacred presence 
with me. 

" If I love a friend, I am not satisfied with an interview now 
and then, or an occasional short conversation. But in propor- 
tion as his company and converse delight me, I long for it, I 
seek it, I am not contented without it ; I am in haste to de- 
spatch any business that detains me, and feel the time irksome 
which deprives me of intercourse. If he depart, I feel desolate, 
listen for his return, and meet him with high expectation of 
advantage and instruction; for the glow of friendship ani- 
mates and elevates. 

" Ah ! faithless, ungrateful heart ! dost thou feel this towards 
thy Saviour to whom all other friends are as the glow-worm to 
the sun ? Thou art, perhaps, not happy unless, in time of pray- 
ers, thou art permitted some freedom of approach to him: but 
when that is over, and thou art constrained to turn to temporal 
pursuits, dost thou anxiously catch every interval, to obtain a 
glimpse ? Dost thou seize every leisure moment to retire into 
thy heart, and exchange a word or look ? Dost thou count 
every moment of separation irksome ? Ah ! faithless and un- 
grateful heart ! thou art dumb with shame." 

Fond as Mrs. Hawkes naturally was of retirement, it was 
now less suited to her than formerly ; since, from her bodily 
sufferings, she was less capable of improving it. She soon ex- 
perienced a sensible depression of spirits on being removed 
from her circle of friends, especially during the occasional ab- 
sence of her valued neighbors, Dr. and Mrs. Fearon. To 
this sense of solitude, as well as to the means of improving it, 

she slightly refers in a letter to her friend, Mrs. C tt, dated 

Betch worth, Aug. 1811, from which the following is an extract : 

"To apply simply to Christ, upon every occasion, is the 
only way of obtaining peace. This also is the secret by which 
we maintain converse with God, in or out of solitude. Trials, 
dear madam, of one kind or other, are the portion of God's 
children ! they cannot do without them. I have for many 
years, as you know, had wave upon wave of sorrow ; but, I 
must declare, I cannot call anything a real affliction but that 
which separates the soul from communion and fellowship with 



CHAP. VI. FROM A. D. 1811 TO 1812. 217 

God. Let but the light of his countenance shine upon us, and 
all things, how difficult soever, become comparatively light and 
easy. He will be found of those who cultivate an interior ac- 
quaintance with him. He is full of compassion and love ; and 
as often as we apply to him by faith and unfeigned repentance, 
heals the wounds to which we are exposed by the sins, follies, 
and negligence of our carnal nature. His constant voice is, 
4 1 am the Lord that healeth thee.' I could fill a volume if I 
were to recount the instances I have had of the great love, power, 
and willingness of our good physician ; and through his great 
mercy, I find He is ' the same yesterday, to-day, and forever.' 

" As I have the opportunity of obtaining a frank, I venture 
to indulge myself with writing a long letter, which I trust you 
will pardon. Indeed, when I am favored by intercourse with 
a kindred mind, tuned to the harmonious theme of Divine 
grace and love, I know not how to drop the subject ; and if it 
gives such delight to the heart here, what, my dear madam, 
will be our joy in heaven, where we shall, after a short mo- 
ment, have, I trust, an abundant entrance ! Let me bear up 
cheerfully through whatever we may have to pass ; and thus, 
to the glory of his good name, give proof that we consider our- 
selves as pilgrims and strangers, whose home and happiness is in 
a better country. 

" My health is rather improved of late, chiefly from change 
of air. A very kind friend has lent me a small house in the 
country, about twenty miles from London, to which, with some 
difficulty, and many fears, I removed about two months since. 
I am quite alone, with only a servant, in a very solitary spot, 
and have only two friends near me, whose company I cannot 
often have ; I should, therefore, be very lonesome, were it not 
for the secret contained in the little book I sent you. Solitude, 
as well as society, has its peculiar temptations, many of which 
I could enumerate. But the path of duty is the path of safety ; 
and whatever the Divine will appoints, we shall find best for us 
on the whole. 

" I had not heard that Mrs. B. was going on a new enterprise. 
May it tend to her comfort ! How rejoiced should I be to hear 
that her fine understanding had submitted itself to receive 
the kingdom of heaven as a little child ! How grievous to 
think, that unless this is the case, her bright talents will be like 
the sparks that glitter for a moment, but in the end go out in 
darkness ! Ah, dear madam, one spark of grace is of more 
value than can be estimated." 

In another letter to the same friend, written while at Betch- 
10 



218 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

worth, she speaks of those trials which believers often expe- 
rience in advanced life ; and by means of which, God is pleas- 
ed to renew the experience of former years. Matthew Henry 
remarks that, "Sometimes the saints' last encounter is with 
' the sons of Anak,' and the parting blow is the sorest." See 
also the opinion of Bishop Beveridge, page 183. While, 
however, taking this view, it may be encouraging to bear in 
mind, that the best mercies are also reserved till the last, 
and that these are introductive of still better. Mrs. Hawkes 
writes : 

" If I could converse with you, my dear madam, as unrestrain- 
edly with my pen, as I could in speaking, I should find no sol- 
itary evening in this very solitary place. I am thank- 
ful, however, for the privilege of holding intercourse, in any 
way, with a mind so much in union with my own ; and I 
pray that a divine blessing may rest on our desire and en- 
deavor to strengthen and animate each other in the heavenly 
race. While encompassed with the infirmities of the body, 
bowed down under the corruptions of an evil heart, and beset 
with the temptations and devices of an ever- vigilant enemy, 
we shall, till we arrive at the very gate of heaven, and until 
safely admitted therein, find many things to make us groan for 
deliverance. I imagine it is a very common idea with young 
Christians, that there will arrive a period in the Christian jour- 
ney, when, like Pilgrim, they shall find a pleasant harbor of 
rest, to sit down in ; and when they shall have so far overcome 
sin and Satan, as to be allowed a little respite from the heat of 
the battle. But, as far as my own experience goes, and from 
all I can observe and learn from old Christians, this seems 
not to be the case. With very few exceptions, trials, and exer- 
cises of faith, rather increase than diminish in advanced age. 
This may appear a discouraging view, till we look at it with the 
eye of faith ; and then we may see many reasons why it should 
be so. First, God is most glorified when his children cheer- 
fully sustain tribulation. His power, truth, and love, can only 
be truly manifested by the powerful supports he gives under 
trouble, when the fruits of the sanctifying influences of his 
Holy Spirit are thus made to be read and known of all men. 
It is also by trial after trial, that we are brought to the discov- 
ery of our deep depravity, and utter helplessness, and are made 
feelingly to cry out with Job, ' Behold I am vile,' and with the 
holy prophet, ' Woe is me, for I am a man of unclean lips.' By 
trouble, the Holy Spirit trains us in the school of faith ; teach- 
ing us that which is a hard lesson to proud human nature, — 



CHAP. VI. FROM A. D. 1811 TO 1812. 219 

that all our wisdom, strength, and righteousness, is treasured 
up in Christ ; from whom we must receive power, to think even 
one thought that is good ; and to whom we must go for the 
continual supply of every want, and the relief of every sorrow 
and burden. Our blessed Lord left us a legacy, ' My peace I 
give unto you ;' to which is annexed that which is ready to 
make us shrink, for he adds, 'In the world ye shall have tribu- 
lation.' I have often^ compared myself to a pursued bird, that 
lights first on one branch of a tree, and then on another. Some- 
thing still disturbs, affrights, or molests it ; and after many fruit- 
less attempts to settle or to rest, the poor thing at length flies 
quite away, and we see it no more. In our Christian journey, 
there are many spots where we make an attempt to rest. 
Sometimes it is on some favored manifestation of the Divine 
love and presence ; at which seasons we are ready to say, ' my 
mountain stands so strong I shall never be moved ;' my enemies 
are slain, and will annoy me no more ; my feet are delivered 
from the snare of the fowler, and I shall never more be thus 
entangled. Sometimes we are peculiarly blessed w T ith the ordi- 
nances, both public and private; and sometimes the heart is 
cheered by the cordial of Christian friendship. Many other 
spots might be enumerated, on which we alight, and begin to 
plume our wings ; but we are soon made to feel our mistake ; 
and in every disappointment we are reminded of our Lord's 
words, ' In me ye shall have peace.' Not in any rich expe- 
riences, or favored moments ; not in any ordinances, or creature 
helps, farther than as they lead you, (as if our Lord had said,) 
simply to me, the only centre of peace and rest. Now, when 
we are driven, like the poor bird, off every branch and sprig 
of nature's tree, and fly from ' good self and bad self,' to Christ 
for shelter and for rest, then have we reason for great thankful- 
ness, let the cost of such teaching be ever so great. 

"I would therefore, my dear madam, encourage you and 
myself, under all these heart-sinkings to which we are liable, 
from whatever cause they may arise ; whether from a sense 
of deadness and dulness in the ways of God ; whether from 
the stirrings of heart corruptions ; whether from the assaults 
of the enemy, or from weariness and fainting, by reason of 
the length of the way ; whether from difficult, dark, and per- 
plexing providences, or from the absence of those advantages 
and comforts with which other Christians are favored, — or 
if, like Job, we are constrained to say, l He hideth himself on 
the right hand that I cannot see him,' or with Jonah, ' I am cast 
out of his sight ;' — yet, in the strength of the Lord, let us make 
Jonah's resolution, ' I will look again towards thy holy temple.' " 



220 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

In the month of January, 1812, Mrs. Hawkes met with a 
slight accident, occasioned by a fall ; which, however, was fol- 
lowed by consequences so serious to her health, that she was 
obliged early in the spring to return to town. Through the 
winter she had suffered much from the effects of damp, which 
had occasioned a serious, and long-continued inflammation of 
her eyes, as well as severe rheumatic pain in her face. These 
circumstances made it appear expedient that she should seek a 
residence in the dry and airy parts of London. The kind in- 
tentions of sincere friendship seemed thus defeated ; but, in the 
end, it was shown to have been overruled for good. Had Mrs. 
Hawkes remained at Betch worth, the company of those dear 
friends, who were her only society in that place, would not 
have been long afforded her, — as a new sphere of usefulness 
was shortly opened to her valued friend and minister, Dr. Fea- 
ron, by his removal to Oare, near Hastings. 



CHAPTER VII. 

FROM HER SETTLEMENT AT PENTON PLACE TO HER 
REMOVAL TO QUEEN'S ROW. 

FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 



Kind welcome of Mrs. Collyer — Mrs. Hawkes' reflections after severe 

illness — Her endeavors to become useful Letters to Mrs. C tt 

on the new year — Attacked by fever — Values prolonged life, and 
why — Her general correspondence and Christian intercourse — She 
refers to the change in political affairs, Easter Sunday, 1814 — Her 
sentiments on in-dwelling sin, expressed in several letters — Fear of 
being again obliged to remove — Suffers from continual inflammation 
in her eyes Letter on giving loose to a roving imagination — On faith 
and dependence — Conversion of Mr. Vaughan — Letter to a friend at 
Honduras — Reflections on opening the year 1817 — Suffering from 
nervous and bilious fever — She goes to Clapham — Letters to various 
friends. 

On arriving in London, Mrs. Hawkes was welcomed to the 
house of her affectionate niece, Mrs. Collyer, where she re- 
mained till comfortable apartments, in a more airy situation, 
could be provided for her. Besides her usual sufferings from 
her complaint, she was, at this time, nearly deprived of sight, 
from constant inflammation in her eyes ; and was also confined 
to a couch with a painful and serious wound, which had arisen 
in the first instance from merely breaking the skin of her leg 
in a fall. The great debility into which she had fallen, ren- 
dered all these evils difficult to bear ; and her state became crit- 
ical. After some weeks, however, it pleased God to bless the 
means used for her relief, and she was able to remove to Pen- 
ton Place. Soon after her entering upon this new residence, she 
wrote the following memorial of her feelings : — 

Penton Place, 1812. — " Restored apparently from the very- 
grasp of death, I seem to be put once more into a peaceful ha- 
ven. But pain, sickness, and extreme feebleness, are my allot- 
ted companions. However unlovely and irksome, such com- 



222 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

panions must be, yet, so far as they shall prove salutary to my 
soul, I welcome them. I need correction. I need purification ; 
and the rod of affliction has not yet done its appointed work. I 
pray that I may not shrink from it. Why should I ? seeing it 
is my Saviour's hand, who does not chastise, as earthly parents 
too often do, passionately, excessively, and unwisely. He cor- 
rects tenderly ; ' In measure when it shooteth forth, he debateth 
with it.' I rejoice that the chastening rod is in his hand, and 
not in the hand of man. I pray Him to support me under it : 
I trust I do really and cheerfully submit myself to it. He once 
gave his back to the smiters for our sins. How much more 
should I submit to be smitten by him for my oivn sins. Why 
should I, who deserve to be destroyed, complain when only 
chastised ? I will hope, and pray, and believe, that when the 
rod has done its work, it will be laid aside." 

Mrs. Hawkes still continued her endeavors to be useful un- 
der all impediments. Though writing became extremely diffi- 
cult, from the weak state of her eyes, yet she was ever making 
efforts to meet the wishes of her correspondents, especially in 
the case of young persons, who desired to receive from her 
either instruction or advice. She thus addressed a young friend, 
who was, for a time, removed from opportunities of hearing 
the Gospel : 

" Much have I wished to write to you, my dearest, under 
your new dispensation, particularly on account of your pres- 
ent privations on the Sunday, because I can feel for you, and 
well understand you. But whatever may be lacking to you in 
the public ordinances, I trust you are able to gain much by pri- 
vate exercises. I do not mean that you should shut yourself 
up always in your chamber, for we may spend many hours 
shut up, and yet do very little to purpose. A short space, spent 
in laying open the heart before God, and in stretching forth 
the empty vessel to receive out of his fulness, — to abase our- 
selves at his sacred footstool, and to cast ourselves on Christ, 
by simple and true faith, — will do more for us, than the longest 
and strongest efforts of our own. I trust you find an increasing 
humiliation of mind, and an increasing victory over every op- 
posing evil principle, together with increasing simplicity of 
aim and dependence. But remember, that the graces of the 
Spirit, so very beautifully enumerated by St. Paul, will only 
grow in a soil where there has been much ploughing and har- 
rowing, and weeding out the roots of bitterness, which are the 
natural and spontaneous productions of the soil : and the plough, 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 223 

the harrow, and the hoe, are instruments we do not love ; and 
they bring out many an ugly reptile, which lay beneath the 
surface, quite undiscovered before. 

" I am grieved to hear so poor an account of your health. 
But spiritual strength is more important than either bodily or 
mental. Bend all your most serious energies to get firmly 
built on that Rock from which no sickness, or loss, or even temp- 
tation shall remove you. It is of great importance to get a firm 
footing before storms and dangers assail you, for they will 
come to you as well as to others ; indeed, young as you are, 
you have not been without them. But they do not accom- 
plish their design until they destroy the deep, and hidden, and 
entwining root of self. Now mark well, if you find in your 
daily experience, that this root is weakening and withering. 
It is a gradual work, which will never be perfected till death. 
But still we should be able to perceive that the crucifixion of 
self is going on, and that the opposite most desirable grace, that 
of humble dependence and universal submission to Christ, is 
increasing. You may observe by marks in themselves very 
small, how far self is giving way ; and in proportion as it does 
give way, your real peace and comfort will increase. This 
I know, though alas ! after all the discipline I have had, I still 
know comparatively very little of true self-renunciation. I 
trust, when you have fought as many battles as I have, you 
will be a far more victorious soldier. 

" I have written this under much pain and languor, besides 
considerable inflammation in my eyes. I seem to lose strength 
rather than gain it. However, though my body and intellect 
decay fast, I have great cause to be thankful that there is a 
principle capable of being invigorated when everything else 
moulders away. But he that numbers our days, knows the 
best time of release, both for you and for me. Our business is to 
be ready to embark whenever the signal is given, and to be 
often taking an animating view of the delightful country where 
we hope to land." 

In the following letter to Mrs. C tt, Mrs. Hawkes thus ex- 
presses her sentiments and feelings on entering the year 1813 : 

"In entering on the new year, my mind has been much 
occupied in reviewing my past wearisome journey through life, 
and especially for the last thirty years ; and in noticing the 
difficulties, sorrows, and temptations, which, since the com- 
mencement of my spiritual pilgrimage, have beset my path, 
and been the occasion, in combination with sin in my own 



224 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

heart, of innumerable deviations and mistakes, which I mourn 
to look back upon. During these revolvings, my mind is 
much penetrated with the amazing subtlety and ceaseless vigi- 
lance of Satan, in so exactly varying his temptations to the dif- 
ferent stages, circumstances, and situations of life. He knows, 
how, in the vigor and zeal of early years, to elate the mind, 
and fill it with vanity and self-conceit : and, after some success- 
ful progress in the spiritual journey, he knows how to offer spe- 
cious reasons why there may be an abatement of toil, and la- 
bor, and effort ; suggesting, that we may now rest awhile. 
"When we begin to descend the hill, and feel the benumbing 
effects of increasing age, or are heavy-laden with bodily infir- 
mities, or outward and inward troubles, then, (if I may speak 
from my own experience,) we are beset on every side ; and noth- 
ing but victorious faith can keep our heads from sinking be- 
neath the deep waters. I find it often difficult to distinguish 
between what is really temptation and sin, and what is merely 
the effect of infirmity, the disabilities of a diseased body, and 
the weight of oppressing trials. But we need not be nice to 
distinguish : for whatever it be that troubles us, or is an imped- 
iment in our way, whether bodily or mental, our highest wis- 
dom is not to stand and dispute with it, but to go immediately 
to Jesus, and with simplicity, hope, and dependence, to say, 
* Lord, I am oppressed, undertake for me ;' thou hast bidden 
me to bring my burdens to thee, and here I bring them : O 
take them, and give me rest according to thy word I There is 
much danger in poring too intensely over either ourselves or 
our troubles. Under any bodily disease, if we were more 
anxious to examine it, watch its progress, and mark its different 
and varying symptoms, than to go to the physician, and dili- 
gently follow his directions, and rest on his judgment of the 
case, our recovery would be greatly retarded. Thus it is in 
spiritual things : we should indeed be humbled and ashamed 
for our manifold sins and defects ; but, after all, it is by simply 
looking to Christ, that we shall be healed. It is by faith our ad- 
versary must be resisted, and not by humiliation alone. I speak 
the more freely on this, because I suffer much from depression 
and languor, both of body and mind ; and am sometimes ready 
to say, Surely every fruit of the Spirit is withered, and nothing 
is left in my cold heart, but barrenness and death. And if Sa- 
tan could make me believe this to be true, he would be fully as 
content as if he could lead me to plunge into open sin ; for 
despair is the last extinguisher of faith ; but, through mercy, 
He in whom are our fresh springs, grants us, at times, fresh 
supplies of life, and renewed manifestations of his free grace 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 225 

and favor ; and then we can say, ' Rejoice not against me, O 
mine enemy, when I fall I shall arise ;' though cast down, my 
Saviour will not suffer me to be destroyed. It is indeed, as 
you say, very hard to keep from looking too much on the dark 
side of things, when scarcely anything else presents itself, — for 
really within us, and luithout us, a bright spot is scarcely to be 
discovered ; but there is, above us, a bright prospect, a Sun of 
Righteousness, always shining, which we should do well to con- 
template ; and when disease, or temptation, or corruption, form 
so thick an atmosphere as to intercept the brighter beams, yet 
let our faith, as a mighty principle, teach us to say, — as we 
do when the sun in our lower sky is obscured by damps and 
fogs, — The clouds prevent the shining of the sun to-day, but it 
is still behind the cloud, and will break forth again, by-and-by, 
as bright as ever. May we both begin, and go through the 
year, (if life is continued,) looking to Jesus, the author and 
finisher of our faith ; for by thus looking we are strengthened. 
" Do not fail to pray for your fellow-traveller, 

"And affectionate friend, 

" S. H." 

In the spring of the year 1813, Mrs. Hawkes had a serious 
attack of fever. In a letter to a young friend, she describes her 
painful bodily sufferings at this time, and the support and com- 
fort graciously afforded her under them. After explaining the 
cause of her long silence, she goes on to say : — 

" If I were not assured that you are fully aware of my feeble 
state, I should fear you would think me unkind, — but unkind 
in reality I can never be to one I so dearly love. The truth is, 
I have not passed a single day without such a share of illness 
and suffering, that I have literally done little else than mourn 
and groan ; and if I have now and then been granted half an 
hour's mitigation of pain, I have been glad to embrace it for 
imploring grace and help to go on and endure, without fainting, 
or complaining. I have had an intermitting fever, with sick- 
ness, fainting, and various other death-like symptoms ; — among 
which, one, not the least depressing, is the exquisite soreness 
of my mouth and throat. It has been torture to me not only 
to attempt to eat, but also to speak, from which I have been 
obliged to excuse myself, if any one called upon me. To-day 
there has been some mitigation of these symptoms, and the 
fever is not quite so strong, though by no means removed. My 
head also is much affected ; iu short, I wonder how it is I get 
on ; for I say in the morning, When will it be night ? and at 
night, When will it be morning \ Yet through all, — so great 
10* 



226 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

is the mercy of the Lord to his afflicted ones, — my mind is kept 
not only in peace, but I have been favored with more life in 
my soul than when my painful feelings were not so acute. 
The near approach of death, (at least as it seems,) is accom- 
panied with more clear and comfortable views of the glory that 
shall follow ; and I am therefore encouraged to wait, endure, 
and hope unto the end. If we may but receive more of the 
divine image, and be able, in any degree, to glorify that holy 
and gracious name by which we are called, it is worth all that 
we can suffer, — for ' the time is short.' The flesh naturally cries 
out, Spare, spare ! and the Lord has pity on such a cry : but He 
will still perform his own work ; for, as one says, ' He loves us 
too well to spare us for our crying, if it be to our loss ;' and it 
is our mercy that he does so. Discipline is wholesome ; and 
He will correct in mercy. You, my dear, are an early sufferer, 
and I sympathize with you ; but if sanctifying grace, and the 
teaching of the Spirit be afforded you, as I pray and trust they 
will be, you will perceive, as you go on, that you are so enriched 
thereby, as to be induced to say, ' I would not have lost one 
j>ain or sorrow.' But our danger lies in having the pain, with- 
out the profit; — in going through our trials and afflictions as a 
sort of allotted calamity, common to all ; instead of deeply con- 
sidering them as a medicinal process, appointed for a certain 
purpose. We do not sufficiently watch symptoms, either of 
our disease, or our remedy ; we do not, as we ought, deliver up 
ourselves, and fall heartily into the designs of our great Physi- 
cian ; therefore we lose much. I wish to encourage you, and 
myself, to expect great things from the school we are likely to 
remain in as long as we inhabit our clay tabernacles ; and when 
we are l clothed upon with our house eternal in the heavens,' 
we shall sing a louder song of praise. Yet I know and feel, 
that the heart sinks under suffering ; and nothing but constant 
and new supplies of Divine grace, can enable us to hold up our 
heads : for these we must constantly pray, — and a supply of 
these we may assuredly expect. 

" I am grieved to hear so poor an account of yourself. I 
had hoped the fine air would have done more for you. But 
where is the spot, however delightful, or the air, however pure, 
where the east wind does not sometimes blow, and cause a 
blight. Yet there is now and then a gleam of sunshine, and it 
is our wisdom to make the most of it. By-and-by we shall have 
nothing else, when we get, as Rutherford says, ' on the sunny 
side of the brae.' " 

The following letter, to the same young friend, may be inter- 



CHAP. VII. — FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 227 

esting, as showing the view which Mrs. Hawkes took, in the ad- 
vanced stage of her Christian experience, of the danger and in- 
expediency of indulging in melancholic impressions. 

" I thank my dearest for her letter, though I was sorry 

to find it was written in a melaucholy mood. You and I, my 
love, shall always meet with fuel for our gloomy fire, as long as 
we live. "We must, however, strive against depression ; and 
you, in particular, because you are young, and melancholy is a 
growing evil ; and because it is death to all exertion, and al- 
most to all comfort ; and moreover, Satan takes great advan- 
tage of it to injure and disturb our spirits, and to hinder our 
progress in the best things : I am sadly afraid of depression, 
having suffered so much from it myself. The indulgence of 
melancholy and sadness is a cheat, even in a religious point of 
view : though it may seem to favor spirituality, yet it does not 
do so in truth : it favors the feeling more than the principle. 
But you and I, in this tempestuous world, shall have more call 
for principle, than feeling, — though this too certainly has its 
place. Self-denial, submission of our will to adverse circum- 
stances, taking up the most irksome cross, compliance with ten 
thousand arduous claims and demands, — and all this in a spirit 
of kindness and cheerfulness, — are lessons only to be obtained in 
the combat through the aid of Divine grace. It is not only our 
faith that must be tried, but our love, our patience, our submis- 
sion, resignation, and humility ; all these must be brought forth 
by the purifying fire. But one thing you must constantly bear 
in mind, or you will faint in the day of adversity, — namely, that 
you are not called to undertake one single difficulty in your own 
strength. Good resolutions, the finest and most correct views, 
will all fail, unless you go, simply as a child, to the strong for 
strength, and lean on all-sufficient grace. This is a secret which, 
I trust, you will understand more and more. . 

" I am much gratified by your freedom ; I hope you will cul- 
tivate a communicative habit, if you think me worthy of your 
confidence. ' Eat not thine heart,' says a wise man, when speak- 
ing of reserve. I think you will not easily find one who has an 
ear more ready to hear, or a heart more tender to feel for you 
in everything, than your truly affectionate friend, 

"S. Hawkes." 

The only private memorandum, which is supplied for the year 
1813, shall lead to its close. Mrs. Hawkes' reflections suggest 
the importance of diligence in early life, especially with respect 
to the cultivation of the mind :— ■? 



228 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWEES. 

1813. — " Oil ! for some of rny former energy, mental and bod- 
ily ! but it is departed. I now feel the great advantage of early 
reading ; for long trouble and disease have brought on prema- 
ture old age, so that all my mental faculties are, like my body, 
become feeble and languid. It is only in some favored seasons, 
that I can do anything to purpose. What I read, seems to 
be forgotten as soon as read ; and I am sometimes ready, in 
despair, to give over the attempt. 

" Bishop Hopkins speaks well to this case : — ' If thou corn- 
plainest, nothing remains on thy memory, therefore thou think- 
est as good to give over reading, as thus continually to pour 
water in a sieve ; this should rather put thee on a more frequent 
study of the Scripture than discourage thee from it. A vessel 
set under the fall of a spring cannot leak faster than it is sup- 
plied. Scripture truths, when they do not enrich the memory, 
may yet purify the heart. Such is the irresistible force of the 
word, the Spirit often darts it through us, as it seems but like a 
flash of lightning, and it is gone : yet it may melt our hard hearts 
when it leaves no impression on our memories." 

Notwithstanding the rather depressed view which Mrs. 
Hawkes here takes of her weakness and infirmity, she was in- 
deed becoming eminently useful at this time in her private 
sphere, which, by means of correspondence and social inter- 
course, was daily extending. Her society was equally sought by 
the old and the young, the rich and the poor : and it appears, 
by the next memorial of her Christian experience, that she ob- 
tained, about this period, a strong impression of the value of 
prolonged life, — both as allowing farther space for the deep 
work of repentance and faith, connected with increased self- 
knowledge, and humiliation ; — and as affording opportunities of 
glorifying God, by seeking to promote the spiritual edification 
of her fellow-creatures. 

Jan. 1814. — "During so many years of suffering and of al- 
most continual seclusion, while reduced to weakness, languor, 
and total uselessness, a burden not only to myself, but to others, 
— I have found it more easy to resign myself to life, because it 
is God's will that I should live, than to thank him for the pres- 
ervation of it. I trust, however, I can now thank him for life, 
and that on the following account : because discoveries have 
been made to my heart of many sins and corruptions — to re- 
pent of which, with due humiliation, a long life would be too 
short. It is only by very slow degrees that the heart is taught 
to know its innate deceitfulness and total depravity. And it is 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 229 

only a gracious knowledge of this, that can produce true peni- 
tence, deep humiliation, and self-despair. In proportion as this 
is learnt, by the teaching of the Holy Spirit, the soul is brought 
to the foot of the cross, and there casts itself upon the Saviour, 
and obtains a more simple and transforming view of his love, 
his suitableness, his beauty, his all-sufficiency to save. Then 
the word of the Redeemer begins to open in all its splendor, and 
the Divine perfections of the glorious Trinity, in their different 
offices, shine forth with an effulgence of majesty and love. 
Hereby the soul is gradually changed into the Divine image, 
and prepared for heaven. And, now, it begins to feel the im- 
portance of life. It is only the living that can show forth the 
praises of God, in suffering, in repentance for sin, in rejoicing in 
tribulation in evidencing the truth of Scripture, in being an in- 
structor and an example to others ; and in manifesting, that the 
life of God in the soul, with sweet communion and fellowship 
with the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, is sufficient to keep the 
mind in peace and comfort, under the most severe and long-con- 
tinued afflictions. If these blessed effects are in any measure 
produced, is there not sufficient cause to thank God for the pres- 
ervation of life ? 

" The greatest favor, and honor, that can be afforded to a be- 
lieving sinner, is to be permitted, and enabled, if by any means, 
to glorify his Father which is in heaven. For this purpose 
Christ came from heaven ; and this should be the business of 
believers, on earth." 

From this period Mrs. Hawkes' sentiments, and the pro- 
gress of her suffering, will be chiefly gathered from her cor- 
respondence ; in pursuing the course of which we shall be re- 
freshed, rather than wearied. As, when tracing the windings of 
a river, — though the way maybe somewhat long, — we are allured 
by the varying prospects, and revived by the healthful breezes. 

In writing to Mrs. Jones about this time, after expressing 
fears with regard to some very distressing symptoms, she goes 
on to say : — 

" But ' sufficient for the day is the evil thereof.' I will not say 
evil, but suffering thereof. Affliction has never brought me any 
evil, but much good, and many feast-days : and my feasting 
has been in proportion to my humiliation ; — because, then the 
riches of Divine grace have the finest flavor, and appear in their 
brightest aspect. I have seen, when formerly in the Isle of 
Wight, a landscape painter traversing from spot to spot, to ob- 
tain the best point of view for the object he was about to take. 



230 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

The lowest, and most self-abasing place, into which a real peni- 
tential spirit can sink, seems to afford the best position for our 
beholding Christ. Oh, for self-emptiness, and His fulness ! 
Our utmost spiritual enjoyments are only like little rills, some- 
times appearing, and sometimes almost disappearing : but in 
Him is a boundless ocean, wherein I would fain plunge myself. 

In heaven we shall thus plunge. 

* . % * * * * 

" The conversation of a friend has lately given me a fresh 
feeling of delight in the contemplation of the happiness of 
heaven. I was almost entranced, for nearly three hours, with 
a display of the finest intellect, the deepest Christian experience, 
and most astonishing knowledge of human nature, with the 
brightest views of the Saviour, I ever met with, except in Mr. 
Cecil ; and yet, even this, though it put my feeble mind to the 
full stretch, gives but a faint idea of the society we shall have 
in heaven, and the delight it will afford us. It has been quite 
a rich harvest time with me, lately, in Christian society. Mr. 
Wilson, Mr. Sheppard, and the above-mentioned friend, have 
each brought in their ripe fruits, from which I have, I hope, 
gained something. 

"I have just been remarking to Mr. Sheppard, that, when 
I was a young Christian, I said, ' My mountain stands so 
strong, I shall never be moved ;' — but now, after many years' 
increasiug experience of my own weakness, and heart de- 
pravity, and with some deeper views of the evil of sin, I am 
afraid to say what I have, or what I am, I can tell my gra- 
cious Lord all that concerns me, — but to man let my words be 
few, — and those 'seasoned with salt.' But when I speak of the 
mercy and goodness of God, let my words be weighty, for his 
love cannot be told. I was much struck with hearing Mr. 
Simeon say in the most impressive manner, when referring to 
Mark, vi. 52, 'he had learnt that mercy was no cause of won- 
der, — and sin no cause of despair.' I said, that very declara- 
tion is to me a cause of wonder. He replied, — ' but consider 
who it is that shows mercy, — it is God ! And it is only be- 
cause we do not consider Him in his perfections and attributes, 
that we are disposed to wonder. Christ said to his disciples 
when they feared and wondered, ' where is your faith.' My 
mind seems to expand with the idea, and my expectations are 
enlarged. What may we not ask of God, — a God in covenant ! 
I hope to take the promises with more faith, hope, and expecta- 
tion, and wrestle for their fulfilment, — for concerning them I 
see as yet, but 'through a glass darkly.' My present state 
seems to forbid every other object of anxiety, or pursuit, but 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 231 

that of being found with oil in my vessel, ready for the cry, 
1 Behold the bridegroom cometh.' " 

Extract from another letter to Mrs. Jones. 

" I should have no intermission from sinking fears and fore- 
bodings, were it not for the measure of faith, small as it is, 
that my Saviour graciously bestows ; enabling me to flee to 
Him, as my strong tower and my constant hiding-place. Every 
event, and every possible occurrence of every day, I commit to 
Him : Satan, with all his designs against my soul ; — sin, in all 
its secret workings ; — the want of spiritual graces ; — my daily 
bread ; — my bodily pains and infirmities ; — and the fearful ap- 
prehension of still greater; — with whatever else adds to my 
burdens ; I gather all up, and go to my Saviour with them, 
and beg Him to enable me to roll them on Him ; to leave 
them with him ; and to make me abide under the shadow of 
his wings. And in proportion as He enables me thus to do, 
what should proceed from my heart, but praise and humilia- 
tion '? When I have the comfort of this experience, I say, Ah, 
this is the fruit of redeeming love, and of sanctified affliction. 
Thanks be to God, for his secret and sacred teaching ! "lis true 
the east wind has blighted and stripped away those earthly 
fruits and flowers, which I see many of my friends in the enjoy- 
ment of. But these might have been briers and snares in my 
carnal heart. Instead of such meaner things, He leads me into 
the green pastures of his love, by still and refreshing waters, 
where no deadly poison or envenomed sting lies concealed ; I 
hope, therefore, I can do and say, ' Bless the Lord, O my soul.' 
And oh, may He pity and pardon me, whenever faith so fails, 
as that I should, for a moment, cease to trust in Him, or cease 
to magnify his holy name. But faith will fail, and doubts and 
fears will spring up ; because, as an old writer says, ' Though 
the graces of the Spirit, as they flow from their original foun- 
tain, are clear, and pure, yet no sooner are they received into 
the unclean and leaky vessels of our hearts, than they are 
weakened ; the wine is mixed with water — yea with dregs. In 
heaven these sad vessels shall be made capable of holding them 
purely, and be ever full.' " 

The entrance of the allied armies into Paris, in 1814, and 
Bonaparte's consequent abdication of the throne of France, — 
events which caused so great a change in the face of European 
affairs, — are thus noticed by Mrs. Hawkes in her diary : — 

Easter Sunday, April 10, 1814. — "My mind is still over- 



232 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

whelmed, and impressed with a sacred awe, by the news of 
yesterday, concerning France. Surely the Lord's arm is made 
visible to man. May the inhabitants of the world thereby 
learn righteousness ! So manifest a display of the Divine 
power, disposes the mind to a more solemn observance of the 
grand event, which the church this day commemorates. Our 
risen Saviour has all power, both in heaven and earth. And, 
surely, his spiritual kingdom shall be advanced by the great 
changes in the kingdoms of this world. The time will come, 
when all his enemies shall be put under his feet. Let it be my 
business to fi^ht under his banner against sin and Satan." See 
Ezekiel, xxxviii. 

Mrs. Hawkes, in the course of her correspondence, and es- 
pecially in the following letters, describes very clearly her sen- 
timents on the subject of in-dwelling sin, quite in accordance 
with the statement made by St. Paul, in the seventh chapter 
of his Epistle to the Romans. In the month of June, 1814, 
writing to her friend Mrs. C tt, she says : — 

" I can, my dear friend, feelingly unite in the complaints 
you utter : for I too have much reason to fear a torpid and 
lukewarm state, which seems to be the chief danger of such as 
are less surrounded with temptations from external objects. 
Persons who have lived long enough to detect the snares and 
follies of the world, and all its vanities, have their dangers from 
other quarters ; — for to dangers we shall always be exposed, 
while we are inhabitants of a depraved world, carrying about 
with us a fallen nature ; and while our vigilant adversary is 
ever on the watch against us. For ray own part, I feel some- 
times quite weary with looking into my own corrupt heart. Ah, 
I say, here is enough to do to weed this rank soil ; — there is no 
time for drowsiness. Roots of bitterness, that seemed to be 
destroyed, are ever putting forth their buds and branches in a 
thousand different appearances ; all poisonous and injurious to 
the growth of grace. In this work I should utterly faint, if I 
were not enabled to look more to the Good Husbandman than 
to myself for success. I find that the best way to have corrup- 
tions destroyed, is to take them to the foot of the cross, and 
there wait the purifying, sanctifying, and renewing virtue of 
that precious blood, which alone procures and maintains our 
peace and spiritual life." 

To the same friend, at another time, she writes : 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 233 

"I find nothing so damping and impeding to this work of 
faith, as the shoots of that evil root of bitterness, in-dwelling 
sin. Sin puts forth its poison into everything. I will tran- 
scribe a passage on this subject, which I lately met with in the 
diary of a most eminent and godly minister, and which greatly 
pleased me : — ' I was much distressed,' says he, ' by my discov- 
eries of the remaining power of in-dwelling sin, and the inva- 
sion of sins of daily infirmity : not understanding well our state 
here, that 'If any man say he has no sin, he deceives himself,' 
— for ' In many things we offend all ;' — neither understanding 
the gracious provision made for this case, in the covenant of 
grace, the daily sacrifice ; — that is, the daily application to the 
throne of grace, — the blood of the atonement, — the ' fountain 
opened.' In my ignorance I essayed to humble myself dis- 
tinctly for every one of my failures ; but I found, had I followed 
this course, my whole time would not have sufficed. Hereon, 
the Lord led me to that course a worthy friend advises in this 
case : I was fain to take them in the lump, or rather to go with 
them all at once, and plunge myself in the ' Fountain opened 
for sin and uncleanness.' If any one grosser sin overtakes us, 
we must endeavor a distinct recovery and intimation of pardon, 
by a distinct application to the blood of sprinkling. * * * 
Herein lies one of the greatest secrets of practical godliness, and 
the highest attainment of close walking with God ; to come 
daily to the fountain and wash, and yet to keep up as great a 
reverence for this provision of forgiveness, as if it were once 
only to be had, and no morel 

u Xo wonder, my dear madam, that such as know nothing 
of the gospel method of salvation, nor the constraining influ- 
ence of the love and grace of Christ, and the true filial fear of 
a child of God, should condemn this merciful and wonderful 
doctrine of ' daily washing,' as leading to licentiousness. Such 
an objection was started as early as the days of the Apostle ; 
and he knew how to answer it. In the same way does every 
true and sincere follower of Christ answer it, both to himself 
and others. The branch that is really united to the true vine, 
and that lives and bears fruit by virtue of this union, will never, 
— from that root, — bring forth wild and sour grapes. But we 
must be content to be misunderstood ; as we are content when 
we hear a blind man mistake in attempting to describe a fine 
prospect, or beautiful colors ; and we must turn such mistakes 
into a prayer, that the eyes of then understanding may be en- 
lightened." 

Writing to a young friend on the same subject, she says, — 



234 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" It is not difficult to know and believe, theoretically, that the 
heart is deceitful and desperately wicked ; but to feel it, to trace 
really its secret windings, to detect how sin insinuates itself 
into our motives, designs, objects, thoughts, prayers, and every 
action, sleeping and waking ; and, on that account, truly and 
sincerely to be afraid and ashamed to lift our mouths out of the 
dust, because we are vile, and because we cannot open them 
without danger : these are lessons gradually learnt under the 
teaching of the Holy Spirit, in the various means He is pleased 
to use; and from continual occasions, and circumstantial oc- 
currences, by which, as in a glass, an enlightened, observant 
eye obtains important discoveries of what is hidden within. 
You say, you abhor yourself because you are proud; — and 
so do I, my dear, and yet I am proud still. But we must 
sentence this arch-fiend to die the death of crucifixion; and 
every day drive in a fresh nail, and pray to be made willing 
that nails should be driven in from every quarter, till it 
bleeds, if not to death, (which it never will in this world,) yet 
till it is enfeebled and overcome by the contrary feelings of 
self-abasement. The very discipline and subjugation of your 
natural abilities to the humility and simplicity of a little child, 
will constitute one part of that obedience of faith, which is so 
essential to the Christian character. 

" You made me smile at your simplicity in not knowing 
what you should pray for on my account. Ah ! my love, I 
am as full of weakness, want, and wickedness, as you or any 
other. The moment I cease from plying my oars, that mo- 
ment spiritual life languishes. I need your prayers, and those 
of all others who will bestow such a kindness : I need faith, 
patience, humility, holiness, resignation, and entire reliance 
upon God for life and for death. My disease much increases ; 
and if faith, patience, and dependence increase not accordingly, 
I must sink under my load. Therefore you now know what 
to pray for : and be assured you have, and must always have, 
a place in my supplications." 

To another friend she writes : — 

" When I set out, about thirty years ago, on my pilgrimage 
Zion-ward, though encompassed with outward trouble, yet like 
the Ethiopian eunuch spoken of in the Acts, I was enabled, for 
a few years, to go on my way rejoicing. But as my voyage 
through life's tempestuous ocean has been lengthened, and 
c deep is still calling to deep,' till heart and flesh begin to fail, I 
am now content to ' go softly,' wondering and ashamed at such 



CHAP. -VII. — FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 235 

depths of sin, depravity and weakness, which varied trials, 
temptations, and occasions have brought out to my view ; so 
that now I am constrained to cry out, ' Behold I am vile,' I 
will henceforth ' lay my hand upon my mouth.' I dare not, 
however, conceal the bright parts of so dark a picture, lest I 
should be guilty of ingratitude to that infinite and gracious 
God, who only strips that he may clothe, and wounds that he 
may heal. In proportion as I have been driven from all peace 
in myself, and all rest from created objects, I have been in 
mercy led to the ' Rock that is higher than I,' and there I have 
found rest and peace, satisfying and abounding: so that nothing 
ought to be uppermost in my mind but wonder and praise, for 
the mercies I have experienced, and the surprising favors I have 
received ; for I have ever had ' songs in the night,' however 
dark." 

Mrs. Hawkes' sentiments on the subject of in-dwelling sin, 
are still more strikingly expressed in a letter to Mrs. Jones ; 
where they stand in connection with experience which indicate 
great advancement in the Divine life. She writes : 

" My spiritual mercies are very great ; for the Lord is pleased 
in his wonderful condescension, to draw my soul to live upon 
him, in a measure beyond what, considering my own vileness 
and ingratitude towards him, I durst ask or think ; I sometimes 
hope he is giving me a foretaste of heaven ; for which I cannot 
but long, notwithstanding I shrink at passing through the river. 
How often does my heart sing, over and over, these words : 

' Fear him, ye saints, and you will then 
Have nothing else to fear.' 

Thus he giveth me ' songs in the night ;' and nights of such 
pain as makes me, at some intervals, groan aloud. But blessed 
be his name, he does not suffer me to murmur. Nature may 
groan and ciy aloud ; but woe be to the heart that murmurs 
under such an aggregate of mercies as mine. But alas, there 
is yet left a ' root of bitterness' not destroyed. It is checked, 
it is kept under, but the life is still in it ; and but for the power 
of grace it would, like the horrible Hydra, that many-headed 
serpent, send forth its hellish hissings. It is the poison of that 
foul spirit that made war in heaven, because he would be inde- 
pendent. ' Let this mind be in you that was in Christ Jesus ;' 
and what was that mind ? Ah ! to trace it through all its beau- 
tiful exemplifications, and then compare it with my own, either 



236 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

past or present experience, brings me to the foot of the cross in 
shame, and utter self-abhorrence ; and no prayer seems to suit 
me so well as that of the publican." 

In the month of November, 1814, Mrs. Hawkes writes to 
another friend as follows : — 

" I have been visited by Dr. Sims, — but vain is the help of 
man. How unspeakable is our mercy that we have, at all 
times, help in God. Our hope in him, is indeed an anchor 
which keeps us from being driven by the waves. You, my suf- 
fering sister and friend, are wonderfully enabled to bear your 
testimony to the sufficiency of Divine grace ; and while you 
are seeking to honor your blessed Master he is pleased to honor 
your faith, by making you a witness of his power, love, and 
faithfulness. It comforts and encourages my heart, to see that 
truly he makes your ' shoes to be iron and brass,' — for I think 
you have as trying and perplexing a path as any one I ever 
knew : and the wisdom and faith which is vouchsafed to you is, 
most evidently, his special gift. Continue thus to hold fast on 
God, and you will never sink. Maintain continual communion 
and intercourse with him, and hard things shall be made easy. 
This is the secret — to live by faith. 

" I do not think that either you or I have far to seek as to the 
' cause of our afflictions.' We may find an answer in our de- 
ceitful hearts, and depraved nature ; and especially if we enter 
deeply into the examination of what sin is. Many persons are 
apt to consider of sin, in the act only ; whereas, this is to have 
but a very slight and superficial view of it. Nay, we must go 
deeper than even to our own inward feelings of its motions 
and risings : we must consider it in its original poison and mis- 
chief, as it contaminates our nature, as it flows in our veins, 
and grows in our growth ; and it must be the business of our 
lives to enter into the design of God, and to be co-workers 
with him, in its utter destruction. Yet, after all, we must re- 
member, that the leprosy will not be wholly extirpated till the 
' mortal put on immortality.' An old divine remarks, that 
' We may have a sinful impatience, as to those sinful infirmi- 
ties, that will ever trouble us while we are in the body.' It is 
the Divine will that nature and grace should exist together, 
though there must be a perpetual war between them ; and if 
God has patience with what he hates far more than we do, let 
us also learn to exercise patience with ourselves. And while 
we give no place to the devil, and no encouragement to sin, 
yet let us be wise and patient in the fight, and use only holy 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 23 7 

weapons in our opposition. The main effect of the discovery 
of sin, when attended by the teaching of the Holy Spirit, is 
that of deep penitence, humiliation, and resignation. Hence 
proceed love, patience, and tenderness towards the failings of 
others. And what can produce fruits so contrary to our proud 
hearts, but that culture of the Divine Husbandman, who uses 
the best means for the best ends ? Among other means, that 
of affliction seems to be one by which he frequently chooses 
to operate. Did you ever read, or hear, or know of any emi- 
nent saint, that was not trained in the school of affliction ? 
Then, is not your question answered, as to what is the cause ? 
It assuredly ought to be, and will be, the prayer of every hon- 
est heart, ' Search me, O God, and try me : and see if there 
be any wicked way in me ;' — any secret reserves, any sins of 
ignorance, and lodgments of self-deceit ; — and these are dis- 
covered to us by the various circumstances and occasions of 
life, that draw out one corruption and another, which we had 
no idea existed. I am sure, such discoveries are made to me 
of the sins of my past life, and of what in me yet remains to 
be renewed, that I am constrained to cry hard for faith, to see 
that the remedy is really adequate to the disease, or I could not 
sustain the view. I never dare ask for a sight of my sins, 
without at the same time asking for a full appropriation of the 
Saviour. My question is not, Wherefore am I so greatly af- 
flicted ? but, Why am I not afflicted more ? And the answer is, 
— because He is rich in mercy, and considers we are dust, and 
will not correct us so as that the spirit should fail. You and I 
have every encouragement to hope, that God will perfect that 
which concerneth us. We have the witness in our own bo- 
soms that the method of cure is most exactly suited to the dis- 
ease. Why are we put into mortifying circumstances, but to 
destroy pride ? and so on, through every trial, we may learn our 
malady. 

" In your remark upon the duty of feeling a spirit of love to 
all, independent of any exterior or mental qualifications, I am 
not sure that I understand you. That we ought to possess such 
Christian benevolence as should enable us to promote the good 
of others, make us patient and tender towards their failings, 
and meekly bear their unkindness towards us, is most certain. 
But that we should be able really to love equally one with an- 
other, is what I suppose you do not mean. 

" You say, you want to know how, through my long trials, 
I have been conquering self in every shape. Ah ! my dear 
friend, you use a wrong term. I, alas ! have only been 
fighting against self] but am still very far from being a con- 



238 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

queror ; and I am thankful to say, as you do, ' Jesus shows 
me ray strength is in him ; and my desire and aim are, to be 
as a little child. When I want to act, I go to him for wisdom 
and strength. If I feel anger, I run to him, and show it him ; 
when I feel pride rising upon any occasion, I go to him and 
confess it. To him I take every sin as it stirs, — every want, — 
every desponding thought. To him I go for every good 
thought, every good desire, every good word and work ; cry- 
ing, Lord help me in this, Lord help me in the other. It is 
thy grace alone that can produce anything in me. What else 
is meant by ' Christ living in me and I in him.' It is by this 
simple faith that we must bring forth good works ; and to ob- 
tain it, we must urge and plead the promises. ' Having these 
promises, let us cleanse ourselves.' How are we to be ' trans- 
formed in the spirit of our minds,' and to be ' changed into his 
image from glory to glory V not by looking within, but by 
1 looking to Jesus ;' by looking through the glass that shows 
him to us, — even his blessed word. I am thankful you are 
taught not to look at second causes. May you grow more and 
more perfect in this lesson ; it is the only one to produce peace 
of mind, as to outward things. In great matters it is compar- 
atively easy to do this ; but in small things, I feel my sad pro- 
pensity to deviate from the rule." 

At the close of the year 1814, some apprehensions were ex- 
cited in Mrs. Hawkes' mind, lest she should be obliged to leave 
her very convenient apartments in Penton Place. But her con- 
tinuance in them was providentially overruled to bring about 
an important and interesting event, which will be described in 
its proper place. Under her present fears she writes the fol- 
lowing memorandum : — 

Dec. 19, 1814. — "My old and sinful infirmity of forebodings 
of approaching trouble, again besets me. Another cloud dark- 
ens my wintry sky ; and like a weakling, I shrink from fresh 
disturbances, and from new, or rather the repetition of old trou- 
bles. I have been favored with three years of much quiet and 
comfort in this family, and do not like the putting out to sea 
again. A Christian friend said to me to-day, that his watch- 
word through all his difficulties and trials was, ' Thy will be 
done.' Let this be mine, and then every opposing principle 
will be done away ; and to stay or to go, will be alike easy. 
* Commit thy way unto the Lord.' 

" If Nehemiah said, ' Shall such a man as I flee ?' may not I, 
with such an inventory of past mercies, through twenty years 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1 SI 7. 239 

of pain and poverty, say also, ' Shall such a one as I faint be- 
cause fresh troubles arise V Yes, Lord, unless upheld by thy 
mighty power ; unless strengthened by fresh supplies of grace ; 
I shall yet faint, even while I am constrained to take shame to 
myself in so doing. Not one thing have I lacked that was 
really needful, for all these years. Yet it is only by the assist- 
ance of thy grace that I can gather real support and comfort 
from past mercies. keep me from the ingratitude of unbe- 
lief, and doubting." 

In the year 1815, Mrs. Hawkes suffered with continual in- 
flammation in her eyes, which, though it rendered correspond- 
ence difficult, did not prevent her from endeavoring to continue 
her epistolary exertions. In the following letter to a young 
friend, she offers some striking remarks upon the evil of giving 
loose to a roving imagination, — especially upon religious sub- 
jects : — 

u Thank you, my love, for giving me credit for what is really 
the fact, that I would have written sooner if I could. My eyes 
have been as bad as ever, and I have much pain in my head. 
I seem to become more and more oppressed daily. And as to 
company ! my visitors have been more numerous than ever ; 
so that day after day, I have no sooner taken up my pen, than 
I have been obliged to put it down again. I could, indeed, 
write in the morning before I rise : but that time is devoted, 
and dedicated, and I never will infringe upon it ; or rather, I 
pray, I never may, — unless it be on occasions of almost life 
and death ; for I am sure the life and comfort of my soul are 
inseparably connected with keeping that sacred hour from being 
hurried, or rendered unprofitable by thieves and intruders. The 
regulator must be looked to, morning and night at legist, or all 
will soon be wrong. ' Seven times a day' was David found in 
this important work ; and seven times a day, should we catch 
a sort of * parenthesis,' to breathe a sigh of praying breath to 
Heaven. The gentlest breath will reach His ear ; for it is ever 
open to our cry. 

w ' What an extraordinary dream was yours ! so connected ! 
I am sorry for it, because such dreams have a tendency to pro- 
duce the pensive, which is dangerous if it predominates. I re- 
commend you to do what I, through fear, am invariably driven 
to, namely, to make it one part of sincere and fervent prayer, in 
my evening devotions, that my Divine Protector will not suffer 
either Satan, or any of his evil agents, to approach my imagina- 
tion, or any of those faculties of my mind approachable by evil 



240 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

spirits, so as to stir up any unholy thoughts, or produce any sin- 
ful impressions. Whatever leaves on the mind any evil or 
earthly tendency, must be from an enemy. Now we must put 
all our enemies, great and small, into the hands of Him who 
alone can bind them with his strong chain. The imagination 
is a faculty less under our control than any other ; and to have 
this sanctified, should be our earnest supplication. We should 
deny it fresh supplies, watch against old traces, and endeavor to 
bring in higher objects to employ it. Our good friend, Dr. R, 
says, in a letter, ' How often have I sat burning my shins before 
the fire, absorbed in contemplation, and warming myself by the 
sparks of my own imagination !' I have been as far as he, or 
any one else, in this Utopian world. In all cases it is danger- 
ous, but in religion it is destroying. The two subjects of our 
contemplation should be, the Scriptures, and what they lead 
to, — namely, the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour, and the 
knowledge of ourselves. In these the Holy Spirit is our Teach- 
er. Now, in the instance of tutor and pupil, we know what 
course is most successful. On the pupil's part, there must be 
not only capacity — design — intention ; but there must be deep 
and undivided attention. Nothing whatever must intrude on 
any one given lesson, or we shall sustain loss. So it is with 
you and me, when we take up our Bibles to meditate therein : 
we first pray to the Holy Spirit to teach us, and He conde- 
scends to be ready at our request. And what does He require, 
but a deep, sacred attention ; an entire yielding of ourselves to 
his instructions. We must, as much as possible, divest our- 
selves of our own thoughts ; we must chain ourselves to the 
pure words of Scripture ; we must try our meditations by this 
standard. The less that imagination has to do in it, the bet- 
ter. It is truth we are pursuing ; ' Make my heart sound in 
thy statutes.' 'Teach me good judgment and knowledge.' 
' The word of the Lord is pure.' In proportion as we lean to 
our own understanding, and kindle sparks of our own about us, 
our Divine Teacher is grieved, and retires. This has been the 
error of the mystics, and perhaps led the way to all the non- 
sense of Jacob Behmen. There are some minds more in dan- 
ger this way than others, — and even the same minds, in differ- 
ent seasons, ages, and circumstances. If the mind has natural- 
ly a romantic tendency, we must be very watchful, self-denying, 
self-suspicious, and thoroughly sincere. At first we may find 
this hard work. Self-denial is hard work in all cases; and 
most of all, in mentalities and spiritualities. To cast down 
imaginations, and bring every thought into subjection ; to teach 
our understanding to humble and submit itself; to be willing 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 241 

to be a fool in order to become wise ; — will require us to pray 
earnestly, and constantly, for all-sufficient grace. 

" Farewell, my love ; may every blessing be yours ; may 
you be like the palm-tree whose roots strike very deep ; like an 
evergreen, which no frost, nor wind, nor sun, nor rain affects ; 
may you ever be willing to give up talent, refinement, genius, 
— every delicacy in a lordly dish, — for the true bread of life, in 
however homely a way it may be served. Keep always the 
crucible in your hand, to distinguish gold from alloy. The 
simple, holy, humble Christian, most resembles his Divine Mas- 
ter ; one who is like the King's daughter, all glorious within, 
desiring only to be well-pleasing in his sight, whose favor is bet- 
ter than life. 

" Yours ever, and ever, 

"S. H." 

To another friend she writes, in the month of May, 1815, as 
follows : — 

" I find great benefit in taking sometimes one promise, and 
sometimes another, to the Great Promiser, and imploring him 
to give me power to believe it, and practically to build and rest 
upon it in every exigence and distress. Blessed be his name, 
He gives me wonderfully to experience that such a suit shall not 
be made in vain. An involuntary inquiry will sometimes put 
itself forth, 'How long, Lord, shall these afflictions last? They 
have continued a long season ; year after year have I looked 
for the promised deliverance ; — how long, Lord ; are thy mer- 
cies clean gone forever? 1 ' But let us remember, that while we 
are allowed, nay, invited and encouraged, humbly to plead with 
him, yet we must not limit, nor dictate as to time or measure. 
Let us not accustom our minds to dwell upon the long or the 
short; we must not take the measuring line of days, months, 
or years, with him to whom past, present, and to come, are one 
and the same. It is his sacred desigu and purpose towards us, 
at which we must look ; it is by the progress of our cure and 
healing, that we must measure. And we know that so invet- 
erate are our diseases, that to recover us, is a mighty work. It 
is true, a sovereign power might, if he saw good, complete the 
work in us at any period of our lives that he pleased, — but 
since he works according to the counsel of his own almighty 
wisdom and will, — and since he has ordained means, and 
various providential dispensations, to accomplish his designs 
of mercy and grace in us, — let us simply yield ourselves 
to God, and lie in his hands, as clay in the hands of the 
11 



242 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

potter. And let us refresh our souls by looking to the great 
cloud of witnesses with which we are encompassed. We 
are led by the same hand that led Abraham, Isaac, and Ja- 
cob. We are under the same almighty protection that was 
over the children of Israel while they sojourned in the wilder- 
ness. The eleventh chapter of the Hebrews gives us an ani- 
mating view of the victorious power of faith. We are not 
called to such fiery trials and conflicts as they were, — yet they 
were able to triumph over all ; and so shall we also, by the same 
Divine power. Even Jesus, our glorious head, condescended to 
bear such sufferings as the strongest of his members must have 
sunk under. Let us, therefore, look at Him, the author, and 
the finisher of our faith, that we faint not, neither be w r eary. 
He will give us fresh supplies of grace, moment after moment '; 
and when our hearts begin to droop, and our eyes fail with 
looking upwards, if we can but look with the eye of faith, we 
shall receive invigoration and strength according to our need. 
This, you and I have already experienced. Indeed I can pro- 
pose no new idea to you, nor impart any new secret ; — nor do 
we need new things : it is only to have old truths brought be- 
fore our minds more vividly, and with more lively impressions. 
" Thus it is in studying the Scriptures, hearing sermons, read- 
ing, and conversation, — we look for, and receive, new illumina- 
tion and influence from the shining of the Holy Spirit upon old 
truths. All I can say is, what I have often repeated, that I 
find the only way of getting on, is to live by the day. I should, 
even now, utterly faint, if I suffered myself to look beyond the 
day, or inquire, ' how long shall these trials last V and if I did 
not constantly endeavor to keep my eye fixed upon that power 
and goodness, that in one moment, if it pleased Him, could 
change the whole face of our affairs. I often say with her of 
old, ' Thou, Lord, seest me ;' thou seest me struggling with this 
wave, and conflicting with the other ; — and thou hast all power 
both in heaven and in earth; — thou hast only to speak the 
word, and every difficulty shall be removed in an instant : 
therefore that my trials continue, can only be resolved into thy 
will. Thus, let us really, and practically, set the Lord always 
before us ; let us expect great things, and hope to the end ; re- 
membering how light all will appear, the moment we set our 
foot on that bright shore where no sorrow can follow us. I be- 
lieve that pride, and independence of spirit, with some other 
peculiar evils of the heart, can only be cured by sanctified afflic- 
tions. Let us, therefore, learn of the apostle to ' count them 
happy that endure.' Though I know but little, as I ought to 
know, of humiliation, submission, and deep self-abasement, yet 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 181 7. 243 

that little yields me more peace and real satisfaction, than I 
ever found in the gratification of my proudest and fondest 
wishes. Ah, it is sweet to lie as an humble penitent at the feet 
of Jesus, and saj T from the heart, ' Give me thyself,' — let me be 
a living, fruitful branch in Thee, the true vine, — and then deal 
with me as seemeth good in thy sight.' I verily believe, there 
is no such close communion and converse with God, as when 
we are under his immediate discipline : — and to obtain such a 
delightful intercourse, what cost is too high \ 

" Do not, my dear friend, fear anything which you may be 
called to pass through, while you can keep up communion and 
intercourse with your gracious Saviour. Do not go to meet 
trouble, but wait quietly through every turning and winding of 
his dispensations. Do not plan beforehand what you shall do 
in this or that case, — but have one simple determinate plan, — 
namely, to live by faith on an unchangeable friend." 

About this time, Mrs. Jones wrote to her sister, requesting 
some thoughts on faith and dependence. The following is an 
extract from Mrs. Hawkes' letter in reply : — 

" My dear sister asks for ' scraps on faith and dependence.' I 
could send her some, if I had time and strength to extract 
them from a rich old author I am reading ; for it is to the 
Fathers in Christ that we must go for these things. I some- 
times have the presumption to think I know a little of the 
sweetness of child-like dependence and faith ; and as far as I 
do know anything of them, I experience their value. But I re- 
proach myself whenever I venture to speak of such things. 
When, by the eye of faith, we contemplate the riches, and 
beauty, and glory, that dwell in Christ, we may indulge and 
expatiate without fear of exceeding the mark : but when we 
begin to speak of the grace drawn from Him, and received into 
the unclean vessel of a sinful heart, — where it soon loses its 
purity, and becomes sullied and weakened, — then one fears to 
speak about it. Jesus, and his power, and love, and beauty, is 
the only theme that we can talk of with safety. I often blame 
myself when I venture to speak of my own experience, since it 
is a book, of which, if you exhibit the bright parts only, you 
mislead ; and as to the dark parts, they cannot be understood, 
because you cannot give the feeling, and interior sense. The 
book of my own life is to me a constant wonder ; but it is im- 
possible any one should read it but myself. One thing how- 
ever, I know, that they who live nearest the Saviour are rich ; 
and had I so lived, I should now be like a tree richly laden, and 
should know something of the heights and depths, and length 



244 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

and breadth, of the love of Christ ; but fool-like, a thousand 
things have diverted my attention, and drawn my heart and 
thoughts aside ; and now I am no more than a poor bramble ; 
I am, however, seeking fruit from the ' green fir-tree,' and I 
hope that my withered branch will yet have some green- 
ness, some blossoms in old age and infirmity. I trust I am 
learning to go to Him with all my filthy polluted rags, (with 
some I have called holy, which were perhaps the vilest of 
them,) and exchange them for that spotless robe, which shall fit 
me to appear in His presence. 

" I am comforted by your remarks under my self-reproaches. 
When he who loved the church, shall present it to himself a 
glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, 
— all shame shall be done away. Till then I will keep my 
sins in my sight to humble me, and to shut my mouth from 
boasting, censuring, or complaining ; and to exalt that redeem- 
ing love, that has wrought out such a salvation. Ah, if salva- 
tion be so inexhaustible a subject now, what will be its glory 
when we shall see its wonders in eternity ! O baseness and 
carnality of heart, ever to dwell on any other theme ! Alas, 
alas, the feebleness of humanity ! 

Mrs. Hawkes notices the termination of this year in the fol- 
lowing manner : — 

Dec. 1815. — "At the close of this year I would set up 
another Ebenezer of praise, for the Lord hath helped me. He 
did enable me to close the last year at the footstool of his 
mercy, and there to spend the first hour of the year now past. 
He has condescended to keep that, which he gave me faith to 
commit unto Him ; and if this year has had new trials and in- 
creased sufferings, it has had renewed mercies and a great in- 
crease of peace of soul. I have had this year one very remark- 
able answer to prayer respecting temporals ; and in all that I 
have cried unto Him, for the Lord hath mercifully inclined his 
ear, and heard me for his own name's sake. ' He is faithful 
who is promised.' He is found of them that seek him. He is 
my rock, and under the shadow of his wings will I trust." 

In the course of the year 1816, a favor was conferred ou 
Mrs. Hawkes, the importance of which can only be fully known 
in the light of eternity. It pleased God, at that time, to seal 
her zealous endeavors to do good to the souls of others, by the 
remarkable conversion of Mr. Vaughan,* — a gentleman in whose 
* See page 238. 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 181 7. 245 

house Mrs. Hawkes had been for several years residing*. The 
very interesting- memorials of Mr. Vaughan's conversion, while 
confined to a bed of languishig, with the account of his subse- 
quent joy and peace in believeing, — his assurance of hope, — his 
patience in suffering, — and his final triumph over death, — have 
long since been given to the public, in a small volume edited 
by Mr. Hodson, (secretary to the London Missionary Society.) 
who united his efforts with those of Mrs. Hawkes, to promote 
Mr. Vaughan's spiritual benefit. 

Mrs. Hawkes thus apprises a friend and relative of Mr. 
Vaughan's decease : — 

"My dearM , 



" Our friend Vaughan Hiveih? He ceased to breathe yes- 
terday about five o'clock. I saw him depart as peacefully as a 
sleeping infant. I must not stay to tell you of his sweet sayings, 
save one. About half an hour before his death, he said, ' I am 
dying,' — and soon after added, ' I am in the high road to heav- 
en.' Ah, thither he is gone, and washed his robes in the 
blood of the Lamb ! Glory and praise to his holy name who, 
even in the eleventh hour, snatched him ' as a brand from the 
burning.' So rare an instance of sovereign mercy, will, I dare 
say, be drawn up in a little memorial, by his kind and unwea- 
ried instructor, Mr. Hodson. About nine in the morning, 
when he was struck with death, he said, ' Call for Mrs. Hawkes 
— she will help me.' Dear creature, he had a better helper, 
even one who is Almighty ! May this helper be yours and 
mine, in the same trying hour ! for, oh ! how awful is the 
seizure of that invisible, last enemy, sitting in triumph over the 
body, which is all over which he can have power ! 

"Farewell, "S. H." 

The following memorandum, written at the close of the 
year, refers to the same interesting event : — 

Penton Place, Pec. 1816. — "Xo words can express, no 
numbers can recount, the favors and mercies of this now de- 
parting year, both temporal and, especially, spiritual. My body 
is, indeed, decaying fast : but this is mercy. My soul is, I 
trust, ripening for the approaching sickle. The favor that has 
been vouchsafed at the close of so unprofitable a life, — namely, 
to be used as an instrument for the salvation of one soul, — 
forms a bright spot in ray clouded sky, which shall cheer my 
remaining steps through the wilderness. 

" My anxiety, my prayers, my tears for the conversion of 



246 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

this now departed friend, — in themselves poor, feeble, and 
worthless, — are in that book, and in that bottle, which are kept 
on high. Ps. lvi. 8. Yet in this blessed work, I count my- 
self no more than a hewer of wood, and a drawer of water : 
but that is honor and happiness enough. To my esteemed 
friend, Mr. Hodson, under God, belongs the palm ; and that T 
was the means of obtaining his attendance on our deceased 
friend, is sufficient for my comfort. I have myself reaped a rich 
harvest of instructions, admonitions and prayers, and praises 
which, every evening, for many weeks, have been so richly, so 
kindly, so unweariedly afforded : they have been blessed to my 
soul ; and the savor thereof, will, I trust, remain until I join 
the late happy convert in that new song, which he has begun 
before me, in the realms of bliss. 

" The old Christian who has, by grace, reached to a some- 
what more elevated ground than one beginning the spiritual 
journey, should remember the toils, conflicts, weakness, dark- 
ness, temptations, <fec, that made him groan, and oftentimes 
ready to faint, in ascending to that point, — that he may deal 
tenderly, and gently, with such as are yet laboring over tho 
same ground. So desirous is the advanced Christian that 
others should have the same joy, that he is apt to forget there 
must first be the fight and the course. He calls all to rejoice 
as he does ; to be dead to the world as he is ; to bathe in the 
sweet ocean of redeeming love ; and to breathe freely in the 
pure element of holy communion. And it is natural he should 
so speak : but this meat should be reserved for riper age ; and 
the milk of younger experience should be given to babes. 
In this very thing I have erred, and now would correct my 
mistake." 

In addition to the interesting circumstance just related, the 
present year furnishes a letter written by Mrs. Hawkes to her 

beloved friend Mrs. C tt, soon after she left England, to 

join her husband at Honduras, in the West Indies. The letter 
affords a fresh instance of the highly spiritual tone of commu- 
nication, which Mrs. Hawkes delighted to maintain wherever 
she met with a suitable correspondent. 

11 Dec. 1816. 
" I am rejoiced to seize the opportunity of writing to my dear 
and honored friend, who is not less loved, less thought of, 
less longed for, because of that separation which must ever fill 
my heart with selfish yet tender sorrow ; — it is impossible, my 
dear madam, to express how constantly you have been in my 



CHAP. VII. — FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 247 

thoughts, and also in my poor prayers ; and how intensely I 
desire to hear of all that you have passed through, in mind, and 
events. That all has been, is, and shall be well with you, I 
doubt not ; for the word of truth declares it shall be well with 
the righteous. 

" It appeared very evident to me, when I was last favored 
with an interview, that you were highly favored of the Lord, in 
being enabled to take refuge, and rest under the shadow of his 
wings ; and my anxious eye has viewed you, while passing 
through the deep ocean, enfolded in the blessed arms of our 
adorable God and Saviour, sweetly resting your head on his 
bosom, and saying, with one who well knew that pillow of rest 
and peace, 'None of these things move me.' The greatest 
blessing in the world is that resignation to, and simply follow- 
ing of the Divine will, which springs from union with Christ ; 
for this is to have the same mind that was in Christ, and to 
tread in the same steps in which he walked ; and I feel as- 
sured, that your fellowship is with the Father, and with the 
Son, through the in-dwelling of the Holy Ghost in your heart. 
Many circumstantial changes you have experienced ; and must 
have experienced consequent exercises of mind. How would 
it interest my heart to hear you detail them most minutely ! — 
* * * The eye of faith, which is constantly and steadily 
fixed on the things that are not seen, can scarcely look upon 
the vanishing things of time and sense, as of any import- 
ance ; the vivid impression of an awful eternity, and the cer- 
tainty that only a moment divides us from it, teaches us prac- 
tically to say to every person and thing around us, ' Hinder 
me not : I have a great work to do, — heaven is in my view ; 
and what then shall attract my attention for one moment to a 
dying world V To walk as children of light, — to be made the 
salt of the earth, — to glorify our Father which is in heaven, — 
to live with out-spread wings, ready for flight whenever the 
Master calleth for us, — is enough to engage and absorb every 
faculty Gf the mind, and to elevate it to a point so high, and 
so dignified, that everything below it must dwindle away into 
nothingness. 

" But where shall we find this high place, — this favored 
point, from whence to take our sublime view ? Ah ! you, dear 
madam, will reply, ' At the foot of the cross, — in the Garden 
of Gethsemane, — at the holy sepulchre.' The pious Fenelon 
had found it when he says, ' I adore Thee, O Infant Jesus, 
weeping, and lying in a manger ; thy childhood and poverty 
are become my delight. O that I could become thus, poor, 
thus a child like Thee ! Be silent, ye sages of the earth ; I wish 



248 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

to know nothing but to be all faith, to be resigned, to suffer any- 
thing, to lose and forsake all ; the Word made flesh, now silent, 
now weeps like a child ; and shall I set up for being wise ? — 
shall I take complacency in my own schemes and systems ? 
Shall I be afraid lest the world should not have a high enough 
opinion of my capacity ? No, no — all my pleasure shall be to 
decrease ; to become little and obscure, to live in silence, to bear 
the reproach of Christ crucified, — and to add to that the sim- 
plicity of a little child.' 

" Here, my honored friend, is grandeur to which none of the 
great ones of this world ever attained. Blessed be the Lord, 
who hath been pleased to open in any measure your eyes and 
mine, to behold such rich discoveries, and to taste and long for 
such old and well-refined wine. Here is solid rock : this is to 
inherit substance ; to have a hope full of glory. 

#Atm Mm <&£. <U> «J£. 

W "7^ W -W *7F 

" I have so many things which I should love to communi- 
cate, that I know not where to begin. But my obligation to 
you, both for your own kindness, and that which you have, with 
so much friendly effort, procured me from others, claims my 
first, most sincere, and affectionate acknowledgment. How 
greatly I am indebted to you would require a volume to de- 
clare. Soon after your lamented departure, Lady S n 

wrote a most kind and condescending letter, enclosing a munifi- 
cent present for the supply of my need ; and never was I more 
struck with the mark it bore of the love of my heavenly Fa- 
ther's ever-watchful and providing care ; for my illness had in- 
volved me in much expense, from the necessity for more than 
usual medical help ; and this unexpected supply from her lady- 
ship, was most timely to meet and relieve my anxieties on that 
account. 

" Mrs. Y. and Mrs. F. kindly visit me now and then ; but 
many impediments lie in the way of seeing them often. I am 
much delighted with Mrs. F. ; she seems a gem of the mildest 
and sweetest lustre. Mrs. P., whom I believe you know, is my 
constant visitor ; and is going on well. Mr. C, Mr. B., and 
some others, are, I am sorry to say, affected with the contagion 
of the separatists, and have ceased to hear their respective 
excellent ministers, Mr. W., and Mr. S., ' because they do not 
preach the whole gospel.' Alas ! alas ! an enemy hath done 
this ! it is because they have seized a part, and embrace not a 
whole Gospel, that this mischief and danger arises. How wise 
is our subtle adversary in opposing the truth! 'Divide and 
conquer' has ever been his successful maxim. I trust, however, 
that straying sheep, (if sheep they are,) will be brought back 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 249 

again to the true fold : but it is grievous to think how sadly 
they must be shoim by their wanderings. Mr. W. stands like a 
rock amidst every contrary wave, and rears his head stronger 
and higher as the advocate of truth and righteousness ; while 
his countenance shines with the rays which the Sun of Right- 
eousness sweetly sheds upon him. 

" I have reason, my dear madam, to know that you will be 
desirous for me to say something more of my unworthy self. 
My general health is much as usual, but my pain from local 
disease increases, and must increase till it has done its work. 
When the still drossy vessel is made fit for the Master's use, it 
will be received into the blessed mansion prepared for it ; and 
till then I pray that faith and patience may increase and have 
their perfect work ; and I hope I have the favor of your 
prayers also. If I did not dislike and fear to speak of my un- 
worthy self, I could say many things to testify the Lord's good- 
ness to me, both in temporal and spiritual bestowments. It is 
a source of great thankfulness that He is pleased to keep me 
lying low at his sacred footstool, — and to make me more and 
more assured that Mary's place with Mary's heart is the best 
security for peace and happiness. We are never safe in soar- 
ing high, unless we first prostrate ourselves in the very dust of 
humiliation and self-abasement. For myself, I covet to sink 
that I may rise, — to dwell in the low valley ; because from 
thence the eye of faith gains the clearest views of unseen, eter- 
nal, and ever-increasing brightness, — of eternal glory : in like 
manner, as it is said, the stars are perceived at mid-day to such 
as descend into a deep mine. All exterior lights are unfavor- 
able to that light which shines within. To shut up the ave- 
nues of sense, and keep wide open those by which are ad- 
mitted the beams of 'saving splendor,' is the Christian's 
highest wisdom and blessedness. Under this conviction, I 
have been led to pray, that I may constantly have a quick and 
vivid conception of evil ; that as the natural eye is exquisitely 
sensible of the smallest particle by which it may be assailed, 
— so I may be equally sensible of all sin, in every possible way 
of its approach. But with this acute perception, and sensitive 
consciousness, there must be a child-like simplicity, and a habit 
of free access to Jesus the Mediator, and to the blood of sprink- 
ling — which is our blessed privilege — or we shall soon fall into 
legal bondage, or desponding fears. May this blessed privi- 
lege be yours, my most honored and beloved friends, in its full- 
est abundance ! You are already given to know more than you 
can utter of the ' love of Christ, which passeth knowledge ;' 
may more and more of such sweet streams be poured into your 

11* 



250 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

soul, till your vessel be full and overflowing. Such narrow- 
vessels as ours, alas! receive but little. O may we be emptied 
of everything, that there may be more room for Jesus to fill. 
And may He every day enlarge our faith's capacity, and stretch 
our narrow boundaries. Oh, what an expanse lies before us ! 
how animating is the prospect ! How glorious is our inherit- 
ance ! 

" It is, my ever dear madam, a great joy to feel that I am 
united to you by the inseparable bonds of Christian love; 
united with you in one faith, one spirit, one hope of our call- 
ing : and if separated in time, we shall meet again with incon- 
ceivable advantages in heaven ; and each acknowledge that our 
past sorrows, trials, and variety of afflictions, were indeed but 
for a moment, and not worthy to be compared with the glory 
which shall be revealed in us." 

The friendship of that noble lady to whose kindness Mrs. 
Hawkes alludes in the foregoing letter, was continued ever 
after. The following lines express the sentiments and feelings 
entertained by Mrs. Hawkes with regard to such kind notice: — 

" How totally different an effect is the mind sensible of, 
when we receive kindness and honor from man, as man, — and 
when we receive the same as from God through man ! — it then 
changes its nature, and becomes the honor that cometh from 
God. When we receive honor from man only, we are soon 
puffed up with pride, self-conceit, haughtiness, superciliousness, 
&c. But when we receive it from God, through man, as His 
medium of bestowing it, the heart is humbled, softened, 
ashamed, — and recollects, with deep self-abasement, its utter 
unworthiness, — its desert of chastisement rather than favor ; its 
secret faults ; its base motives ; its sinful mixtures ; and 
esteems it too high an honor to be used as a peg on which to 
hang up the garments of the house of the Lord.* 

" This I trust is, and ever will be, the effect upon my mind 
and heart on being so kindly noticed by a noble lady, who is 
pleased to lay me under deep obligations. I receive her con- 

* Mrs. Hawkes may, perhaps, here refer to Isa. xxii. 22, 23, where 
in allusion to the spikes, or large pegs, worked into the eastern walls, 
on which to dispose, and hang up various utensils, or garments, — Elia- 
kim is compared to a principal stake, or support of this sort. " The 
words of the wise" are also compared in Ecclesiastes xii. 11, to "nails 
fastened by the master of assemblies," or as means to establish the 
heart, and confirm good resolutions. See also Ezra, ix. 8, — and Zech, 
*. 4,-Ep, 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 251 

descending kindness as from the Lord, who, I verily believe, 
has put it into her heart to favor me. 

" How is every bestowment heightened, sweetened, secured, 
— when received by faith !" 

On entering the year 1817, we meet with Mrs. Hawkes' 
usual memorial of past mercies, accompanied by a renewed in- 
stance of religious watchfulness, in improving the beginning of 
a new year: — 

Jan. 1817. — "Another year is gone! and closed, blessed 
be God, with lively sentiments and feelings of humiliation, won- 
der, and thankfulness. A volume would not contain the delin- 
eation of this year's favored experience. May gratitude, and 
devotedness to God, show forth the praise that is due unto his 
holy name ! The setting sun of the last year left my horizon 
tinged with the lustre of past beams of goodness and tender 
mercies, — both temporal and spiritual. The sun of the new 
year rises with invigorating beams of hope and peace ; with 
renewed trust in the God of all my mercies ; together with im- 
portunity for all-sufficient grace to improve it better ; — to walk 
more humbly with God, and thereby to glorify his holy name ; 
and to stand prepared for the execution of the sentence already 
passed : — ' Thou shalt die, and not live.' 

" Happy, happy, is that soul that is united to Christ, and 
made to abide in him as the branch abideth in the vine I 
* My sun,' may every such one say, ' goeth not down, but 
■shineth more and more unto the perfect day.' Gh, that men 
would fear the Lord, and call upon his holy name !" 

In the same strain of favored Christian experience, Mrs. 
Hawkes writes, at this time, to her friend Mrs. C tt : — 

" May every day of this new year begin, and end, with the 
healing beams of the Sun of Righteousness, shining forth, and 
•sweetly resting on the soul of my valued and beloved friend, 
and on that of her unworthy correspondent ! May every 
morning begin with prayer, praise, recollection, and watchful 
diligence ! and every evening close in the possession of faith, 
patience, and that peace which flows from pardoning mercy 
and love. And may we be very careful to reflect that glorious 
light by which alone we have light : — that, as children of light, 
we may glorify our Father which is in heaven. 

" How greatly should I love to have my dearest friend seated 
by my side at the entrance of this new year ; — that we might, 



252 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

with united hearts, bless the Lord for all his benefits, and kneel 
together before Him in deep humiliation, and tender contrition 
of heart ; confessing; our manifold wanderings, neo-fio-ences, cor- 
ruptions, and total un worthiness. I know in what manner you 
would unite with me in saying, ' Unto Thee, Lord, belong- 
eth righteousness, but unto us confusion of face.' Yet, blessed 
be his name, our fresh springs are in Him. Let us, therefore, 
begin this year with lively hope, and unlimited confidence in 
his all-sufficient grace ; and let His sacred words, ' abide in me,' 
be our motto. 

" The present symptoms of my complaint forbid me to look 
beyond the clay ; and I desire to follow the example of one, 
who had obtained the habit of dying daily ; — for this I find is 
the secret of daily living in peace and happiness. Life is never 
so truly sweet, as when we are every day ready to depart, and 
longing to depart. 

" Your path and mine, my loved one, is very different ; and 
I am sure you will not accuse me of arrogance, if I count, that 
mine has the advantage of yours, — notwithstanding all my 
privations and sufferings. * * * * But He who made 
us, and who in stupendous mercy has called us as his sheep, 
has appointed your lot and mine ; and, in His wise disposal, 
given it to be ours, in preference to all others which he could' 
as easily have chosen for us. We, therefore, should not even 
wish it were otherwise than what it is ; nor could we exchange 
it without loss. Each of us has a ' crook in the lot ;' but a 
sanctified crook shall prove an indescribable blessing. Mine 
has been a path of peculiar humiliation ; which has turned out 
to be a way of peculiar peace and comfort to my soul. I am 
now nearly deprived of the public means of grace, through ina- 
bility to go out. This is very grievous to me ; but my race 
is almost run, and I trust soon to remove to that blessed place, 
of which it is said, ' And the Lamb is the light thereof.' You 
and I shall still go on mourning over the deadness, wander- 
ings, and defects, of which we cannot but be sensible : — 'but I am 
glad to find, that you are not discouraged thereby; for although 
we should be humbled, vet we need not be cast down ; since 
we have a merciful High Priest, who is touched with a feeling 
of our infirmities. The consideration of the Divine sympathy 
is often consoling to my mind and heart. To have a friend 
with us who feels for us, is always a source of comfort : our 
blessed Saviour is a Mend always present, and beyond all 
others, good. 

" Why I speak of my path as having the advantage of yours, 
is chiefly because of my retirement from all worldly concerns, 



CHAP. VII. — FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 253 

and company. I do not feel as if I could meet either one or 
the other : out then yours is a more honorable post, — inas- 
much, as it is more difficult. Yours is the path of duty, and, 
therefore, it must be safe and beneficial. Your heart is dis- 
united from these things ; and that which is our cross, is sel- 
dom our snare. You say very truly, ' It is not so much the 
vicious, as the worldly-minded character, which we have most 
to fear.' It is with persons morally good and amiable, and 
when engaged in lawful pursuits, that we are apt to doze upon 
our watch-tower ; — and when we remit our vigilance the ene- 
my is more than at the door. Next to the special hand of Di- 
vine grace, our safety seems to consist in close walking with 
God. Christianity has a surrounding atmosphere, peculiarly 
its own ; a pure and delightful element in which the true 
Christian lives and breathes freely : — and we should endeavor, 
in all circumstances, to preserve this surrounding grace. Like 
strangers in a strange country, we should fulfil our passing 
offices, and show ourselves amiable strangers ; though feeling, 
that we cannot be understood by, nor have affinity with the 
World. We should also be careful, to keep alive a scriptural 
and spiritual discernment ; — a quick perception, that sees the 
slightest evil, even in its approach ; — so as to detect, with the 
quickness of the eye, every contrary principle and sentiment, — 
however disguised by a fair appearance. I mean, we should 
detect it for our own use and preservation. 

" Let us, my dear friend, in setting out on this year, pray 
that we may walk by faith, and not by sight ; for faith, as one 
says, is an Ithuriel's spear, which, by one touch, makes every- 
thing assume its right shape and color, showing its value and 
duration. Let us keep up the gospel standard, and where we 
cannot come up to it, yet never attempt any lowering, but press 
towards it with unabating ardor : — still putting our whole trust 
in Christ, without whom, we can do nothing : and who, in all 
cases says, ' My grace is sufficient for thee.' " 

In the month of February, 181*7, Mrs. Hawkes thus ad- 
dresses a friend of her early years, who had lately engaged in a 
school : — 

" I have for a long time wished to write to my beloved 
friend, and it would be taking up too much time and paper, to 
tell her the various causes that have, hitherto, prevented my 
having this pleasure, — for a pleasure it will ever be, to commu- 
nicate with one, who lives in my heart as my daughter, my 
sister, and my friend ; and in whose joys and sorrows I must 



254 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

ever participate with the most lively interest and feeling. I do 
indeed, as you suppose, love to hear how you are going* on ; — 
and unite with you in sincere thankfulness, that the Lord is 
pleased to appear on your behalf, and gradually to disperse 
that long-continued and dark cloud, which has overshadowed 
you. When He sees you are able to bear it, He will shine 
with fuller beams of prosperity, and give you all that success, 
and advantage, in your present undertaking, which you are 
entitled to hope for, in submission to his holy will. But there 
must be time for faith and patience to have their proper work : 
too strong a tide of prosperity might quite carry away your 
newly-launched vessel. He who has infinite wisdom, knows 
what ballast we want, as well as what fair wind to spread our 
sails, — and his love will undertake both for the one and the 
other ; and so temper them together, that we may not be 
stranded on the heavy sands of despondency, nor be driven 
away by too strong a gale of apparent prosperity. Let us 
adore our heavenly Father for his merciful and wise dispensa- 
tions towards us ; and let us pray with sincerity of heart, that 
he will neither take away those trials which are designed to 
drive us to Him, — nor give us those possessions which would, 
in any measure, draw aside our hearts from Him. Lawful 
occupations and engagements, very imperceptibly, wind them- 
selves into our minds, engross our thoughts, and take up that 
space in our scanty vessels, which should be filled with better 
things. It is from lawful things that we are most in danger ; 
other things we are careful not to admit : but our necessary 
callings must be followed, and ought to be followed with dili- 
gence ; taking care to preserve,, also, fervency of spirit in serving 
the Lord. I well know the snare, and the difficulties which 
often occur ; and I am rejoiced that you have not now to learn 
the only method of help and safety, namely, a simple and 
child-like dependence on Christ, from moment to moment, for 
grace suited to every exigency. 

" This, you and I, my dear friend, know to be, (as far as 
we have learned it,) a high and important secret, which is im- 
parted only to such as count everything else in comparison 
but as dung and dross. Let us pray for a quick perception of 
every rising cloud, or interposing fog, that may form a veil to 
intercept the healing beams of the Sun of Righteousness from our 
souls ; — a very short withdrawment will soon cause us to droop 
and wither. We may be unconscious of it, until, like Samson, 
we go out to shake ourselves, and find our strength departed. 

" I know not why my pen runs on this strain, except, be- 
cause my mind is much in the contemplation of this subject,— 



CHAP. VII. FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 255 

and that as I am incessantly called out in religious conversation 
by my numerous visitors who come to me for this purpose, I 
am daily led to pray, ' O Lord, grant that T may not be a 
sounding brass and a tinkling cymbal.' Let me not have only 
the ' name to live ;' — let not my tongue utter the secret things 
of the Most High, without a corresponding feeling of holy rev- 
erential fear in my heart. 

" Give my love to Miss , and tell her she must learn of 

you the necessity, beauty, and advantage, of decision of char- 
acter. In everything it gives the stamp of superiority : — but in 
religion, it is connected with its very life. 

" I have been very sadly of late, in my complaint ; — through 
mercy, all is well in other matters, and I could tell you a long 
list of mercies, had I time. The Lord is a refuge in trouble ; — 
so you know ; and so also knoweth, 

" Your affectionate, S. H." 

In the early part of the summer, Mrs. Hawkes had an attack 
of nervous and bilious fever, which was followed by a serious in- 
crease of her former debility. For the sake of change of air, she 
removed to Claphara, and passed two or three months in the 
house of a widow lady, who became much attached to her, both 
as a friend, and a helper in her spiritual concerns. A private 
paper written by Mrs. Hawkes on removing to Clapham, shows 
how entirely she desired to live to the glory of God, and the 
good of her fellow-creatures : — 

Clapham, June, 1817. — "In every change of place, the 
Christian, however obscure, feeble, and insignificant, has a great 
work to perform. He has to keep himself through grace, ' in 
the fear of the Lord all the day long,' and ' unspotted from the 
world.' He has to show forth the praise of God, not only with 
his lips, but in his life. He has to seize every opportunity to 
lend a helping hand to others ; to be on the watch for every fit 
occasion, to spread forth the savor and knowledge of that sa- 
cred name, which is as ' ointment poured forth ;' and he has to 
1 watch and pray,' that he may do all this wisely, humbly, sim- 
ply, dependency, faithfully, reverentially, and with singleness 
of eye. Is not this a great work ? too great for human power ; 
yet possible, through all-sufficient grace. Lord, vouchsafe thy 
grace to me, a helpless worm !" 

From this place, in the month of August, Mrs. Hawkes writes 
to her valued friend, Mrs. F., as follows : — 

" I am better since my stay in this place, yet still suffering 



256 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HATVKES. 

much, and encompassed with many infirmities. The old tene- 
ment totters more and more, and will be taken down at the ap- 
pointed time. Through mercy, I am enabled to look forward 
to that solemn period with a calm and pleasing expectation. I 
should fill several sheets, were I to give my beloved friend a 
history of the loving-kindness of the Lord to me in every way ; 
and I desire only that my lips and life may show forth his praise. 
I never felt more deeply sensible of my own vileness and insuf- 
ficiency ; but I do hope I am learning something of that high 
lesson, which the blessed apostle had attained so perfectly, 
when he said, ' When I am weak, then am I strong.' How 
infinitely precious is Christ to the soul that feels its poverty and 
need ! And fully does he satisfy and fill the hungry with good 
things." 

About the same time, Mrs. Hawkes addresses her friend, 
Mrs. C tt, as follows : — 

" I am thankful to have found some benefit by my removal 
to Clapham. I am much struck with the combination of ad- 
vantages and disadvantages, that is found in every change of 
place and circumstances. No doubt, had we to choose our own 
lot, we should cull all the sweets, and leave out all the bitters ; 
and thereby make ourselves a nest, in which, if left to ourselves, 
we should moulder and decay in all our best faculties and pur- 
suits ; for we cannot be trusted with much ease or rest. How 
happy for us that we are not permitted thus to choose for our- 
selves ! and that He undertakes for us, who knows what is in 
us ; and who, with one comprehensive view, takes in every 
event and consequence of most minute changes. We are so 
short-sighted, that we can see but very little beyond the present 
time. We are too apt to make ourselves our own centre ; for- 
getting, that we are placed in the scale of human beings for a 
far higher purpose than the mere enjoyment of our natural life ; 
and that all our sufferings here are for designs far higher than 
such as are merely personal : namely, the glorifying of our Father 
who is in heaven ; and the contributing, in any way in which 
he shall be pleased to make use of us, to the good of our fellow- 
creatures. It is often a support to me under my pain and lan- 
guid oppression, to contemplate not only the purifying and 
blessed effects of affliction in my own soul, but also the ways in 
which God will glorify himself by the meanest of his creatures, 
and make use of them for his own divine puposes : causing the 
sufferings of the most obscure individual to work in with, and 
form a part of, his comprehensive and gracious designs. I de- 



CHAP. TIL FROM A. D. 1812 TO 1817. 257 

sire earnestly a more simple and entire surrender of myself, to 
be anything or nothing, as He shall see best. To glorify God, 
is the first object at which we should aim. But, alas ! how 
often do I fall short of my desire, in this, and every other point 
of practical Christianity. At the close of every day, when I 
review what has been done for God, for my own soul, and for 
the good of others, I am forced with shame to write, wanting, 
wanting / And, but for that finished salvation which is all my 
security and hope, I should lay down my head on my pillow 
with feelings of deep despondency. How blessed are those 
assurances in the sacred Scriptures, that we have an advocate 
with the Father ! that there is no condemnation to them who 
are in Christ Jesus ! to them who, notwithstanding a host of 
infirmities and deficiencies, ' walk not after the flesh, but after 
the Spirit,' having their spotted garments washed white again, 
by continually making fresh application to the blood of sprink- 
ling." 



CHAPTER VIII. 

HER RESIDENCE AT QUEEN'S ROW, PENTONVILLE. 

FROM A.D. 1817 TO 1828. 



Reflections on her removal — Heavenly savor of the correspondence be- 
tween Mrs. Hawkes and Mrs. Jones — Advancing spirituality of Mrs. 

Hawkes' rnind — Her study of the Scriptures — Letter to Mrs. C tt 

on forgiveness of injuries — Christmas-day — Meditations on death — 
Letters on the subject — Death of Mrs. Jones — Letters to various 
friends on the freeness of Divine grace — Death of Mrs. Mynors — At- 
tack of nervous depression — Letter on the subject — Visit to Highgate 
— Close of the year 1827, and opening of 1828 — Anxieties respecting 
new apartments — Reasons for remaining near London — Letter to a 
Clergyman on new speculations in religion. 

In the month of October, Mrs. Hawkes left Clapham, and went 
to reside at Queen's Row, Pentonville. Soon after her removal, 
she writes in her diary as follows : 

Queers Bow, Oct 5, 1817. — " Pilgrim-like, I have this day 
entered into another tent, to which, I trust, I have been direct- 
ed by a gracious and kind Providence, in answer to my pray- 
ers. These changes are painful and agitating to me in my dis- 
eased and feeble state. But I shall soon give over dwelling in 
tents, and remove to a habitation ' not made with hands, eter- 
nal in the heavens.' For the present that blessed word of prom- 
ise is given me, together with faith to rest upon it as sure : ' I 
will be with thee whithersoever thou goest.' I ask no more. The 
presence of the Lord secures every blessing that is essential to 
real comfort. I shall have trials ; but, under all, this gracious 
promise is sure, ' Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose 
mind is stayed on thee.' " 

In a letter to her valued friend, Mrs. Y , who was at 

this time called from home to visit a sick child in Scotland, 
Mrs. Hawkes expresses sentiments similar to the above, as 
follows : — 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 259 

" I trust that encouraging- promise, ' I will be with thee whith- 
ersoever thou goest,' which has of late been made very sweet to 
me, will, if it please Him, be fulfilled also in your experience. 
He will ever be with you, and with every one whose heart he 
has touched with his converting grace, and redeeming love. But 
our faith is not always strong and lively enough to realize his 
heavenly presence. Like as the natural sun may be obscured 
from our view by some passing cloud, so may the comforting- 
rays of the Sun of Righteousness be for a time obscured by some 
mental cloud, through which our faith is unable to penetrate ; 
and then we soon begin to fear, and say, 'My beloved has with- 
drawn himself.' ' To the law and to the testimony,' therefore, 
will we turn, rather than to sense and feeling ; and, under the 
darkest cloud, rest upon his blessed word of promise, ' I will 
never leave thee nor forsake thee.' It is in order to produce, or 
rather to exercise, this stability of faith, that we are suffered 
sometimes to walk in darkness. Every true Christian has his 
winter and his summer seasons. It is only in that blessed coun- 
try, towards which we are hastening, that there is one uncloud- 
ed day. With respect to myself, I have reason to bless the 
Lord for the storm as well as the calm. That is best for the 
soul which keeps it low at the foot of the cross, loathing itself, 
and trusting only in Jesus ; sinking before him, in order to rise 
in him, who is our righteousness and streno-th." 

The correspondence between Mrs. Hawkes and Mrs. Jones, 
which had ever been spiritual and edifying, partook of a more 
heavenly savor as the latter aged saint drew near the end of her 
Christian course. The delight which these sisters took in talk- 
ing of the country whither they were going, was like that of 
Christian and Hopeful, when they had gained the land of Beu- 
lah ; and when drawing near to the end of their journey, they 
had a more perfect view of the Celestial city. Confined at home 
by age and infirmity, Mrs. Jones writes : — 

" Oh that I could sit by the side of my beloved sister, and 
talk of the glory we expect on the other side of Jordan ! We 
are not looking at a land which we may, or may not, reach ; 
but our hopes are sure and certain, of a land that is not far off. 
We are upon the borders, and in daily expectation of a messen- 
ger to convey us over ; and we have a friend ever present, who 
has engaged to go with us all the way through. Oh ! the mul- 
titude of weary pilgrims that ' are groaning in their way ! but 
everlasting rest sounds sweetly in their ears. ^ # ^ 
* * # If I should be favored with sud- 



260 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

den death, look at me in a better world with Christ in God ; 
and suffer not your mind to dwell upon the clay tenement. 
Christ is mine, and I am his ; and to see him as he is, is far 
better than to dwell in this dark abode. * * * 
Tell me of the supports given you by the Lord in your afflic- 
tions. May the Holy Spirit abundantly supply you with the 
riches of your inheritance, and with still farther views of the 
glory which shall be shortly revealed : or if your faith is tried, 
may you be able to say with your suffering Saviour, ' Thy will 
be done.' " 

In language of not less animated Christian hope, Mrs. Hawkes 
replies : — 

" Although my sufferings increase, yet, blessed be God, he 
maketh my consolations in himself to increase also ; and I hum- 
bly hope I may say, from favored experience, I do feel they are 
now working together for my good. I endeavor to cry with 
earnestness, that I may be strengthened with all might, accord- 
ing to his glorious power, unto all patience and long-suffering 
with joyfulness. What a progression ! The common ills and 
occurrences of life need ' patience :' but these, increased by pe- 
culiar and long-continued afflictions, call for 'long-suffering.' 
And what is the top-stone ? ' Joyfulness !' And how is this to 
be obtained ? ' By his glorious power,' giving strength accord- 
ing to our day. ' With all might.' What does that mean ? 
We shall know ' if we follow on to know the Lord.' When I 
read the glorious truths of the Gospel, my mind is overwhelmed 
with their richness and fulness ; and I cannot help stopping at 
every one, and using the words of that departed saint, Mr. Fos- 
ter,* 1 ' What does that mean ? — and what does that mean V 
Lord ! teach me by thy Holy Spirit what thou meanest. Take 
all impediments to my learning out of the way ; all ignorance, 
error, unbelief, conceit, and vain imaginations ; and fill this poor, 
feeble, dark mind, with thy light. Let not the eyes of my un- 
derstanding be confined within any boundaries of time and 
sense : let them not be drawn down to means and creatures, to 
second causes, and human contingencies ; but fix them abidingly 
on thyself, the great First Cause, the Governor of heaven and 
earth ; the invisible, eternal, ever-present God and Father of our 
Lord Jesus Christ, in whom I live, and move, and have my 
being. Am I afflicted? It is a Father's gentle correcting 
hand. Am I in want ? He knoweth it, and says, ' The world 
is mine, and the fulness thereof.' Am I in the valley of humili- 
* The Rev. Henry Foster, minister of ClerkenweU. 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 261 

ation ? There grows the lily of the valley ; and there, blessed 
be the God of all grace, have I found that Lily, and derive 
thence such invigorating sweetness, as none but myself can 
know. Would I exchange my pain, my restless nights, nay, 
even my sometimes heart-sinkings, with the alternative of losing 
these heavenly bestowments ? No ! not to be made empress 
of the world. These are but means of pulling down the walls 
of the prison-house, from whence the captive spirit shall soon 
wing its way to those realms of bliss, which it is now exploring 
with feeble faith, and strong desire. I need not say, my dear 
sister, fix your eyes there, — for there they are fixed ; and there 
we shall shortly meet, to smile at our poor, narrow conceptions 
of that glory which has not entered into the heart of man to 
conceive." 

Mrs. Hawkes seems, at this period, to have been peculiarly fa- 
vored in her Christian experience. Long exercised in the school 
of adversity, she now began to realize, in a larger degree, those 
" peaceable fruits of righteousness," which are the effect of sanc- 
tified affliction. Her growth in humility, resignation, and ac- 
quiescence in the Divine will, was more and more apparent. 
There was also afforded her great comfort and enlargement, in 
reading the Holy Scriptures ; in the diligent study of which she 
found increasing delight. 

In a letter to her beloved friend, Mrs. K, she says : — 

" So infinitely rich and full are the blessed promises, that when 
reading the Scriptures, I stop, like one overwhelmed with daz- 
zling brightness, and can only say, What is the meaning of such 
words as these \ I long to break my prison wall, that I may go 
and see. I have been more than usually unwell of late ; and I 
think some chasms are made which enable me to catch a farther 
glimpse, for I can call it no more, of that glory which is reserved 
for all who love the Lord in sincerity." 

In a letter to Mrs. Jones, speaking on the comfort de- 
rived from the study of the Scriptures, Mrs. Hawkes writes as 
follows : — 

" How truly reviving and refreshing is it when the blessed 
Spirit gives us power to take God's own words, and plead them 
at his footstool with a melting, depending, expectant heart. 
Truly can I say with the Psalmist, ' I had utterly fainted but 
for hope in thy word.' Yet how weak is my faith! how nar- 



262 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

row and low the capacity of fully crediting all that the Lord 
hath spoken ! I am grieved to find that on many occasions, 
a sort of secret practical infidelity remains in my heart, when 
providences seem to go contrary the one to the other. I hate 
and loathe this too ready unbelief, which however is not, I 
hope, the prevailing cast of my mind ; on the contrary, I have 
of late been led to a more full delight in, and hold of, those 
Scriptures that set forth the love of Christ ; and often, in the 
sharpest sufferings, my soul can, and does, rejoice in God my 
Saviour. I have not been out of my apartments for four or 
five months : my heart longs to go again to the sanctuary, to 
worship in the assembly of the saints. But I have no cause of 
complaint except against myself; for sweet, full, and refreshing 
are the streams of living water, of which it is given me to drink ; 
and, through condescending love, I am often led into green 
pastures by Him who is ' My Shepherd,' and my ' All in all.' 
' My sheep hear my voice,' saith He ; and truly sweet is his 
voice ; I would listen to no other. ' Thou art the thing which 
I long for.' Thou art my delight when other delights fail." 



Some who were more intimately acquainted with Mrs. 
Hawkes' continued and complicated afflictions, than with the 
sources of her peace and joy, were astonished, and almost 
stumbled, at her remarkable cheerfulness and serenity : as 
though it implied some degree of either apathy or stoicism. In 
the memorandum which marks the commencement of the year 
1818, Mrs. Hawkes alludes, in a feeling manner, to this sub- 
ject :— 

Jan. 1818. — "Some of my acquaintance are ready to reflect 
upon me, because I can feel so cheerfnl and so happy, circum- 
stanced as I am in a certain relative point of view. And well 
they might reflect and censure also, if I had any joy but what 
cometh from God. In the Lord, in his word, his ordinances, 
his providence, his grace, and in his children, — is all my de- 
light; and in these I, in a measure, lose my griefs. Blessed 
be his name, He has chosen me for himself, and given me 
grace to choose him, and give myself to him ; and I am satis- 
fied and rejoiced ; his name, and his word, are ' the rejoicing 
of my heart.' 

" The God of all mercy and grace has, in the last two years, 
condescended in an especial manner to be very nigh unto my 
soul ; and to draw me, with the cords of his love, into a nearer 
union and intercourse with himself. My heart is so won by 
his grace, that it knows not how to bear his absence, when he 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 263 

withdraws himself : and my cry is, and ever shall be, when I 
cannot see him, ' Eeturn ! thou fairest among ten thousand.' 
At the same time, the manifestations of his grace and goodness 
are attended by such discoveries of my wretched heart, and 
depraved nature, — of my past sins, and present vileness, — that 
my sorrow and shame are equal to my hope and joy. At the 
foot of the blessed cross these different feelings are called forth, 
and sweetly blend and harmonize. There I learn to understand 
in some degree that Christian paradox, ' As sorrowful, yet al- 
ways rejoicing.' 

" In the hours of delightful pursuit and enjoyment of heav- 
enly things, I endeavor to bear in mind that I am greatly help- 
ed therein by quiet leisure, and by the absence of those temp- 
tations which health, society, and occupation might present ; 
and which would form occasions to draw forth the latent evils 
of my still corrupt heart, and partially-renewed nature. If these 
evils are not, as formerly, putting forth their hideous heads, it 
arises not from their extirpation : it is not because I am more 
holy than others, — not because I have ' already attained,' — but 
it arises, in part, because the flint and steel do not come into 
collision ; because the spark does not fall on the tinder. I 
would therefore lie low as a sinner ; I would not open my 
mouth to boast, censure, or complain ; I would be aware of my 
danger ; I would search, and watch over my deceitful heart ; 
I would bless the Lord for weaning, separating afflictions ; I 
would esteem myself happy that every string is cut that would 
tie me to earth, and that evey charm is broken." 

In a letter to Mrs. Jones, Mrs. Hawkes farther describes the 
grounds of her constant peace and joy, as connected with the 
assurance of faith, and an entire acquiescence in the Divine will. 
She writes as follows : — 

" Language is too weak to express the peace which I expe- 
rience, in knowing whom I have believed, and in being fully 
assured, ' that he will keep that which I have committed to 
Him unto that day.' Unto Him do I, by the help of his grace, 
commit myself, in pain and ease ; — in suffering, whether it be 
short or long ; — in life and in death. He gives me such re- 
viving consolations as fill me with wonder, praise and humilia- 
tion ; and supports and comforts me with one hand, while he 
gently lays his Fatherly rod upon me with the other. ' Bless 
the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy 
name.' How delightful will the haven be after these rough 
winds ! But, ' He stayeth his rough wind in the day of his 



264 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

east wind, and in measure when it shooteth forth, He debateth 
with it.' He who is pleased to prolong such a poor life, knows 
why he prolongs it ; and all he does is right and best. I often 
exclaim, ' Lord, what wait I for V Because it is His will, is a 
sufficient answer ; and because there is so much remaining dross 
and tin, — is a sufficient explanation. Ah ! you are sadly mis- 
taken, in supposing that I am making anything like a speedy 
advance toward self-annihilation. I am every day making dis- 
coveries of the subtle entwinings of selfishness in every word, 
thought, and act. I perceive that self will steal in, and mix up 
some of its poisonous essence in my best moments, best de- 
sires, and best efforts. I have been thinking lately, that the 
great end and object of all I would ask and desire is, that I 
may be changed from the image of the earthly to the heaven- 
ly ; — that I may glorify my Father which is in heaven ; — and 
that I may lend a helping hand to my fellow Christians : — this 
end has not been kept in view, as it ought, with singleness of 
eye to exalt Christ, that he may be exhibited and set forth. 
No ! self has had an insidious and hidden plea, in some way or 
other ; and now I see and feel, (I trust with humiliation,) the 
tinsel, the tinsel ! instead of the gold in all my best doings. 
Self-annihilation ^f the true sort, would be a transformation in- 
deed for a creature all alive to sensitive feelings, to experience. 
Delightfully as some of the mystics have spoken and written 
upon the subject, it strikes me, that they did not with the same 
avidity seize, like St. Paul, every occasion to bring to view ' the 
unsearchable riches of Christ:' self and self was more fre- 
quently the topic. I wish to be the better taught in the Divine 
lesson. I think I have been enabled, of late, to read the Scrip- 
tures with some profit, and with a more fixed desire ' to see the 
glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ ;' — to behold more of 
the Divine perfections as therein revealed ; — and to catch, as 
it were, a glimpse of some more distant feature, — some more 
fixed view of those sacred lineaments of the Divine character, 
which, though we cannot comprehend, it so much concerns us 
to know. This I find gives great additional interest to reading 
the Scriptures. If I do not fully convey my meaning, you will 
find it expressed for me, 2 Cor. iii. 18. Well ! let us exercise 
faith and patience a very little longer, and then we shall have 
full discoveries of his glory ; for we shall see Him as He is. 
' Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly.' " 

On the subject of reading the Holy Scriptures, Mrs. Hawkes 
writes to a young friend as follows : — 

" I have not time to say all I intended on the subject of 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 18 IT TO 1828. 265 

reading the Bible. The best description of my views which I 
can give at present, is that we should not only read in order to 
know what we should be, and do, as real Christians ; — nor only 
to know what God has done, and will do, in the relation in 
which He stands to us as his creatures, and particularly as his 
children : — but the Scripture is a glass wherein he has in a 
most glorious manner, given us a relation of Himself, — of His 
perfections, — of His infinite eternity of being ; we should there- 
fore, at seasons, delight ourselves with tracing out the different 
features of His glorious Majesty. In thus reverently studying 
the Divine character, our minds will obtain larger apprehensions 
of the various perfections of God ; and the discoveries which 
the Holy Spirit will help us to make, will cause our hearts to 
burn within us ; our faith, love, and confidence will be increas- 
ed, and a fresh interest will be given to everything we see ; be- 
cause we shall trace everything upwards, ' here I see the touch 
of His hand.' The more we behold of Deity, the lower we 
shall sink in humility and self-abasement ; and selfishness, hate- 
ful, narrow selfishness, will be lost. 

" What I have found to be my stay through every dark and 
dismal cogitation is, to get my memory stored with Scripture. 
When thoughts rush in, I do not parley with them, but in- 
stantly read or repeat some verses of the precious Bible, where 
I always find an answer for everything. I do indeed, through 
the help of the blessed Spirit, find the Scripture to be a sacred 
exorcist, that soon puts a legion of fears and miseries to flight ; 
mightily pulling down the strong-holds of sin and Satan ; ' cast- 
ing down imaginations, and every rebellious thought ; and, 
when mixed with prayer and appropriating faith, effectual to 
perfect, establish, and settle the soul in peace. Every passage 
I read, and meditate upon, furnishes so many distinct topics 
for prayer. This I do find to be the secret that obliterates the 
power and being of second causes ; this fills up every aching 
void in the solitary heart; this turns every wilderness into a 
pleasant garden ; unravels all dark problems ; and teaches us 
to be good arithmeticians, and ' to reckon, that the sufferings 
of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the 
glory which shall be revealed in us.' 

" Oh ! the wonderful power of heart piety, and the wonderful 
peace also ! How does walking with God, like Enoch, elevate, 
expand, enrich, ennoble, compose, and regulate the mind ! How 
much interest does it give to every hour, every moment of the 
day ! There is no aching void, no yawning vacuum, no tedious 
ennui, in the living Christian's life. All is pursuit, advance- 
ment, possession. Every object is sublime, — animating, — filling, 
12 



266 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

— eternal. How sweet to begin each day with, ' Lord Jesus, 
into thy hands I commit my spirit,' my body, my thoughts, 
my words and actions. Peace and communion with God is 
given, as the apostle says, ' At all times, and by all means.' 
Every event and occurrence may be made a means in the hands 
of the Holy Spirit, of promoting our peace. May the blessed 
God, and our Saviour, keep thee, my god-daughter, as the 
apple of his eye ! 

" Prays your affectionate, S. H." 

The following reflections were written by Mrs. Hawkes, upon 
a remark made to her in the course of religious conversation : — 

" ' I have no pleasure in reading the Bible,' said one to me 
to-day : — not an unbeliever, but one well instructed in the gos- 
pel, and an able defender of its leading doctrines. How is this ? 
The belief goes no farther than the understanding. (See Dr. 
Owen on the work of the Spirit.) 

" When religion exists in the mind as a bare speculation, no 
wonder it is considered dry and dreary ; and when the truths 
of the Bible are believed and studied as abstract theorems only, 
no wonder that the attention they call for is considered a hard 
demand, and a sad necessity. But when the Scriptures are be- 
lieved, and received into the heart, then are they felt to teem 
with life and interest ; and when religion engages and occupies 
every power and faculty that we possess, — it gives interest to 
life ; and delight, unknown before, enters into every object and 
pursuit we undertake, — into every relation in which we stand, 
— and every passing day becomes full of project and event. 

" A strong moral sense, and a conscience enlightened by rev- 
elation, may enable a thinking, reflecting, investigating mind, 
to discover many evils of the heart and nature, which are un- 
perceived by others, — who still think the character good. But 
a feeling sense of these evils, accompanied by penitential sor- 
row, true humiliation of spirit, and hatred of all sin, can only 
be obtained by the sanctifying influences of the Holy Spirit. 
Repentance springs from faith : we know the evil of sin by faith, 
as well as its remedy. In short, we know nothing of God, — of 
the eternal world, — of ourselves, — of the state of the present 
world, but by faith in the revelation of the Scriptures. Read 
me not, therefore, lectures on morality, and on the power that 
is left in man to obtain virtue and holiness by his own efforts, 
and to hate evil from its own deformity : — ' To the law and to 
the testimony.'* „ 

* Calvin says, " Let us not suppose that apart from Christ we have 
a drop of rectitude." — Ed. 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 181 7 TO 1828. 267 

" ' Behold I am vile — I abhor myself — and put my mouth 
in the dust' — must be the feeling of the new creature. What 
is the criterion of this feeling- as to its reality ! — not words ; — 
not tender meltings, however precious ; — not low and weeping- 
frames ; — but, lowliness of mind, — meekness of spirit, — pa- 
tience of injuries, — thankfulness for reproof — forgiveness of 
unkindness and wrong, — a willingness to be lightly esteemed, 
— a total ceasing from the desire or pursuit of the honor that 
cometh from man, — a readiness to lay the body to be walked 
over as the dirt in the streets (Isa. li. 23.) It is the conduct 
that gives the best evidence of humility. How hard is the 
cure of that deep, secret, spreading root, — pride ! When there 
seems some hope of its extirpation, how soon will it shoot out 
again with fresh vigor and various branches ! Never say ' I am 
cured of this or that propensity ;' but rather, ' I am seeking a 
cure.' " 

In a letter, dated April, 1818, Mrs. Hawkes thus replies to 

some questions put by her friend, Mrs. C tt, on the subject 

of forgiveness of injuries : — 

"With respect to the duty of absolute and unreserved for- 
giveness of injuries, — on this we are agreed. As to the opinion 
you quote, that we must not shun the society of the injurious 
person, but take every opportunity of personal intercourse, — I 
can only assent to it after many qualifications, and much dis- 
crimination. Both the nature and extent of the offence, and 
the true character and meaning of the offender must be taken 
into the account. If the offence be such as chiefly militates 
against my pride, (of what sort soever,) or against my preju- 
dices, or favorite sentiments, — against my humor or habits ; 
in short, against anything that may strictly be considered non- 
essential, and which chiefly concerns my feelings; then, I am 
wrong as well as the offender ; and in order to humble myself, 
I should do as your author says. But if the offence be against 
my character, — my peace, my personal or domestic happiness, 
— my relative and social engagements and usefulness, — my real 
interests ; then, I think, I should stand excused from personal 
intercourse, until I had reason to believe I should no more haz- 
ard such treatment. So also with regard to the offender : — If 
he be in any degree otherwise than a moral character, — if he 
be actuated by evil principles — evil dispositions, — perverted 
and immoral sentiments, — if he be a deceitful, designing, or 
doubtful character, — I should forgive an injury ; but I should 
not consider myself called to maintain intimate or friendly inter- 



268 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

course. In the case of relationship, as much as possible must 
be yielded. I have found it a great help to forgiveness, — as 
well as that it serves as a test of its sincerity, — to pray much 
for an offender. A praying spirit and an unforgiving spirit are 
incompatible. Oh ! how much is comprised in those words, 
' Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass 
against us !' Indeed prayer is our best resource on all occa- 
sions. I feel that all things are comparatively easy to bear, 
when I can pour out my full heart to Him, whose ear is ever 
open to my complaints ; so also, no doubt, feels my dearest 
friend and sister in Christ. 

" I am sorry to hear you speak of decay of bodily and mental 
strength ; I trust, if it be good for you, that both may be reno- 
vated by the returning spring. As for myself, I do not expect, 
nor, I think, wish for such renovation. I am almost as weak 
and feeble as an infant ; and I hail these harbingers of total re- 
lease from a body of sin and death, and from a world of sin and 
sorrow." 

In the summer of 1818, Mrs. Hawkes had another serious 
attack of fever, by which her little remaining strength was still 
farther reduced. In the following letters to Mrs. Jones, she 
describes her constant sufferings from languor and debility : — 

" I wish I were able to write to my beloved sister as my 
heart would dictate : I should soon fill a large sheet. But lan- 
guor and excessive weakness unfit me even for those exercises, 
in which alone I have any pleasure and satisfaction. I am 
exactly like one vanquished by an overpowering enemy : if at 
any time I make an effort to throw off my fetters, I am soon 
reminded that my strength is gone, and my efforts vain. Pleas- 
ure from all sensible objects, I have long been deprived of; but 
my intellectual pleasures I part with, I confess, reluctantly. 
To sit or recline on my couch, more dead than alive, with all 
my rich books around me, and be unable to taste a morsel of 
their dainties, is a trial known only to those who are in such 
a case. I have shared largely of pain, but this dying weak- 
ness is still more hard to endure ; and can only be relieved by 
slipping out of the body. This state, however, sets one impor- 
tant lesson constantly before me, which I pray I may be enabled 
to learn, — namely, to fall, with the simplicity and quietness of 
a little child, into the Divine will. There is no doubt but every- 
one of God's dispensations, whether great or small, is designed 
to produce this quiescent disposition ; and if it could be fully 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 2C9 

learnt, there would be an end to anxiety, reluctance, anxious 
forebodings, and all uneasiness. I consent to this theory : I 
say, I am sure all must be right, and it matters not what are 
my changes here, if I may but, at last, be safely landed in the 
haven of rest : I would be as clay in the hands of a potter, to 
be, by whatever means and process He pleases, formed and 
fashioned to his will. Yet when under this or that trial, or in 
the prospects of this or the other evil, my will starts up, and 
chooses and refuses ; and hence springs my trouble. I see and 
feel, that there is nothing like being brought low and made to 
lie at the footstool of Divine mercy, — receiving from thence, as 
a poor bankrupt, the needful supply for the present moment. 
These gracious supplies exceedingly endear and exalt the Sav- 
iour, and induce such a habit of incessant application and de- 
pendence as creates wonder, gratitude, and love, to our unwea- 
ried friend. * * * * * 

u I often catch myself making terms, — ' If I may have some 
vigor of mind, then I will never complain under pain and weak- 
ness of body,' &c. — which is no less than saying, ' let me choose 
my own trials, and then I will be satisfied.' Self-choosing is, I 
believe, one of the hardest things to cure. God could, if it 
pleased Him, give me a healthy mind in a sickly body ; but if 
both are to be weakened together, it is my wisdom to say, ' Even 
so, Father, for it seemeth good in thy sight.' 

" The road, especially at the first entrance to the valley of 
humiliation, looks very ugly, and is rugged and steep ; and it 
is well, as Bunyan says, ' if in going down into this valley we 
get not a slip by the way.' But when we have made some ad- 
vance, and begin to dwell in it, then we see and taste of the 
lovely fruits of the beautiful vale. There dwells the rose of 
Sharon ; there runs the waters of quietness ; there sounds the 
voice of the Dove of peace ; there stands the foot of the cross, 
at which we may lie and cling ; and hope and love bring into 
the patient soul a foretaste of heaven. 

" Cease not to pray for a poor burdened creature, who longs 
to be clothed upon with her house which is from heaven. 

"Ever yours, 



S. H." 



FROM THE SAME TO THE SAME. 



" It is not because my time has been much engaged that I 
have not sooner written to my beloved sister, but because I am 
dead, or very much like it. I sit and mourn over my indis- 
posedness and inability to make any good use of my time ; 



270 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

for I seem to be doing; nothing for time or eternity,— for myself 
or others, Oh, that I might experience the fulfilling of that 
promise, — ' They shall bring forth fruit in old age !' Mine is 
extreme old age, though I am but little past the prime of life. 
To bear fruit in its season is what I long for. Various and 
different are the seasons of Christian fruit-bearing, — according 
as trials, difficulties, and temptations vary. The fruit suitable 
to my present state is, as you say, — ' Full and entire depen- 
dence upon God in Christ,' — which includes every grace. I 
could not get on at all, but should sink in despair, if I were 
not enabled simply to tell my Saviour every infirmity and 
every complaint. Such is my debility and languor, that when 
I kneel down to pray, I am presently overpowered with drowsi- 
ness, — so that I am like one talking in my sleep. This I tell 
Him. I am sometimes assisted to pray best in my chair : but 
it is a heavy burden not to be able to pray on my knees. 
Yet He seeth my heart ; and if I am not deceived, He seeth 
there a principle which Himself hath planted, that longeth after 
Him, and watcheth for him ' as they watch for the morning ;' 
so that, after all, I say with David, ' This is my infirmity, 
but I will remember the years of the right hand of the Most 
High.' In the first part of my spiritual pilgrimage, notwith- 
standing some troubles and conflicts, I went on my way re- 
joicing : but I knew little of my own evil heart and corrupt na- 
ture. In the middle stage, such sort of afflictions were sent me, 
as discovered to me my ignorance of myself, and my ignorance 
of God, and his work of salvation. Rich discoveries did He 
make of Himself through many years of extreme pain. And 
now He calls me to be ' as a weaned child ;' not only weaned 
from the things of this world, — for those have been taken 
away, and a sentence of death written upon all that remains ; — 
but weaned from creatures, and weaned in some measure from 
public ordinances : weaned also from those delightful, anima- 
ting, vivid actings of faith, by which I was sometimes made to 
soar as the eagle, and to say even to pain and suffering, ' Ye 
are nothing.' The fruit now called for, is, to be passive as 
clay in the hands of the potter ; to say to every comfort, tem- 
poral and spiritual, ' Let it be as seemeth Thee good, only ac- 
complish thy will. Let the root be kept alive, and the tree be 
kept continually green, though it put forth no blossoms. Let 
me no longer wrap myself up in any fair leaves of my own, but 
be clothed with a garment which has no defect.' Yet I fear 
lest spiritual sloth should shelter itself under this bodily languor ; 
which causes many a deep groan. Rutherford says, ' If I knew 
that my Lord had withdrawn himself to try and stir up the 



CHAP. Till. FROM A. D. 181 7 TO 1828. 2*71 

graces of faith, I could endure it : but I fear He is smoked out 
of the house by the flames of corruption, 

" Farewell, yours affectionately, 

"S. H." 

In the latter stage of her long and weary pilgrimage, Mrs. 
Hawkes notices the return of her birth-day. The manner in 
which she expressed herself on the subject may appear strange 
to persons who have been less exercised with affliction : and 
also to those who have a less deep impression of the vanity 
and emptiness of human life, farther than as it is enlightened 
and relieved by grace ; — the effects of which will be seen, in 
checking those expressions of dissatisfaction into which some of 
the best of men have fallen, (as in the cases of Job and Jere- 
miah,) and also in cheering the decline of life ; which Mrs. 
Hawkes acknowledges in the following memorandum : — 

Tuesday, Oct. 13, 1818. — "The anniversary of the day of 
my birth. I have, for years, been accustomed to pass my 
birth-day with a desire to forget it : because to me it was the 
beginning of many sorrows, and I could not feel thankful that 
I ever had a being. I would this day correct myself, and ac- 
knowledge my sin and ingratitude on this account. Had it 
not pleased the God of all grace to grant me a second, new, 
and spiritual birth, I might well have wished with Job, that 
the day might perish wherein I was born. But being, as I 
humbly hope and believe, born again, to an inheritance incor- 
ruptible, and that fadeth not away,' — I ought to notice this day 
with humiliation and praise. 

" I have been informed that my dear mother dedicated me 
to God from the womb : blessed be God for such a mother ! 
I have also been told that, when very young, I had a danger- 
ous illness, and was given over for death ; and that a man of 
God, visiting in the house, prayed for me with great wrestling ; 
in answer to those prayers, together with those of my dear 
mother, I seemed to be raised again. This kindness I have 
also been accustomed to pass over with the unhallowed wish, 
that they had spared their importunity. 

" And now, what is the language of my heart this day, in 
the 59th year of my age, — encompassed with weariness and 
pain, — dwelling in a tent among strangers ; with nothing to 
call my own? 

" I trust my heart sincerely utters this day, both in the re- 
membrance of days of real anguish that are past, and under 



272 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

the feeling of sufferings that still continue, ' Bless the Lord, O 
my soul,' ' the Lord hath dealt bountifully with me.' 

" With increasing light, and stronger perceptions of the evil 
of sin, I read over the catalogue, (fearful as it is,) of the sins of 
my childhood, youth, and riper years ; and of those especially 
which have been committed since I was made a partaker of re- 
newing grace. And so vividly does the eye of my mind trace 
sin from its beginning, that I should fall into utter despair, 
but for that wonderful declaration of mercy, which through the 
power of faith I am enabled to believe, — ' I, even I, am He 
that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will 
not remember thy sins.' 

" This month twenty-two years, I was bereft of a home, and 
left in a totally dependent state : nineteen years ago I was 
visited with an incurable disease, in the midst of strong fears, 
and weak faith. Oh ! what sorrows have I passed through ! 
and what wonders of mercy have I seen ! 

" Within the last three years, my mercies, both as regards 
my body and my soul, have been so increased, as to fill me 
with astonishment. These indeed are my happiest, my best 
days ; because the Lord has satisfied my soul with Himself ; 
In Him I ' inherit substance.' He has so wonderfully provided 
for me the kindest relatives, the choicest friends : has so gra- 
ciously supplied my wants ; and with such surprising love 
draws me so near to Himself, — that I can truly say, all I want 
is more grace, and more devotedness to Him." 

Towards the close of the year 1818, writing to her friend 
Mrs. Y , who was suffering under bereavement, she con- 
cludes with similar expressions of gratitude to God for those 
consolations which were afforded during the night of her afflic- 
tion : — 

" Nothing, my dear madam, but such hinderances as were 
out of my power to prevent, would have occasioned my de- 
laying a single day, to reply to your kind and mournful note. 
I both condole and rejoice with you in sincere and affectionate 
sympathy. I love to follow a departed spirit, known or un- 
known, into the blissful presence of our adorable God and Sa- 
viour ; and though all human thoughts are poor and grovel- 
ling, when stretched to their utmost bounds, in conceiving of 
that blessedness, — yet I find it profitable to be much occupied 
in such contemplations. Alas ! how are the wings of the soul 
clogged, and enfeebled, by the things of time and sense ! 
When, in some favored moments, faith and hope begin to bear 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 273 

us heavenward, — some outward circumstance or inward evil, — 
some temptation from Satan, or from the world, — like an arrow- 
shot at a soaring bird, — stops our flight, and brings us down 
again to mourn over our feebleness, and sad propensity towards 
earth. Do I speak your feelings, dear madam, or only my 
own ? Your impediments and mine, are, no doubt, very differ- 
ent. You have to contend with the world without, as well as 
the world within. I find I must never lay down my shield 
and sword, and say, ' Now I may rest awhile, — no enemy is 
stirring.' The spiritual temple of our souls must be reared as 
the Israelites built up the wall — while one hand wrought in 
the work, the other hand held a weapon ; and in doing this 
we may say, ' Surely God shall fight for us.' Our weapons are 
not carnal, but spiritual ; and the promise made ' to him that 
overcometh,' is firmer than heaven and earth. Let us, therefore, 
not be discouraged : but under every failure, pray for strength 
to make auother and another effort, more strong and effectual 
than the last ; — remembering that to us, as well as to Peter, 
our blessed intercessor speaketh the same gracious, heart-reviving 
words, ' I have prayed for thee that thy faith fail not.' 

" I believe I shall be more than ever a prisoner this winter. 
Yet I have no cause of complaint against my loving and gra- 
cious Lord, whose prisoner I trust I am : for He giveth me 
songs in the night of affliction ; which, though poorly and 
feebly sung, are sufficient to cheer my suffering hours ; and 
soon, I trust, they will rise to other and purer strains of never- 
ending praise. Oh, how should our heart exult in redeeming 
love ! When we reflect what we are saved from, and what is 
the hope set before us in the ever-blessed Gospel, there should 
be no bounds to our praise !" 

A short memorandum, written on Christmas day, shall close 
this year. 

Dec. 25, 1818. — "This has been a day of trial and afflic- 
tion from without, and oppression from pain and disease with- 
in. Yet, blessed be the Father of mercies, my thoughts have 
been raised above my troubles, and have been following the 
glorious subjects of this important season. The transactions, — ■ 
as recorded in the history of the blessed Saviour's birth, — have 
passed as bright rays through my mind. When I think of the 
'brightness of the Father's glory,' shrouded in infant flesh, — 
a babe in a manger, — the mystery overwhelms me ; — but when 
I view that glorious Infant, and consider the love and pity that 
brought Him down, to become ' bone of our bone, and flesh 

12* 



274 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

of our flesh,' — I leave the mystery and embrace the fact ; add- 
ing my feeble voice to those who sang, ' Glory to God in the 
highest,' &c. And, oh ! that this same Jesus may accept, — 
not costly spices and gold, — but the sighs of a contrite heart, 
and the flowings out of love and gratitude, and self-dedication. 
I anticipate passing the next Christmas day in adoration at his 
blessed feet in heaven !" 

This anticipation was not realized : but the solemn medita- 
tions which, at this time, occupied Mrs. Hawkes' mind, were 
made a means of her still farther sanctification, and more entire 
meetness for that coming of her Lord, which she was ' looking 
for and hasting unto.' On entering the new year, she writes 
as follows : — 

Jan. 1819. — "It is with feelings of peculiar solemnity that I 
take leave of the old, and enter upon the new year. I seem to 
have something more than my usual impression, that, before 
this year is closed, my eyes will be closed in death ; and I de- 
sire to encourage the expectation, that I may be found ready at 
the awful moment of my call. 

" My thoughts, for a long season, have dwelt on death and 
on eternity; I seem to have even now a footing there. So far 
are these thoughts from depressing my spirits, that they bear 
up my mind above my sufferings, (which are now more than 
ever sharp and prevailing,) just as the wings of a bird support 
and assist him in his flight. 

" Glory, honor, and praise be unto Him, who hath swallow- 
ed up death in victory ! and who hath opened the kingdom of 
heaven to all believers. Blessed be God for Jesus Christ; 
blessed be Jesus Christ for the gift of himself! and for the 
gift of that living faith, which unites the soul to him our living 

head." 

I 

Though Mrs. Hawkes was able to look beyond the grave 
with a sure and certain hope of a joyful resurrection, yet she 
had fears respecting the act of dying, of which she often spoke ; 
and these fears were increased by the prospect of that severe 
suffering which she was likely to experience in the latter stages 
of her complaint. In the following extracts from letters to 
Mrs. Jones, abounding as they are in joyful hope, the reader will 
perceive some allusion to a natural fear of death. She writes : 

" I have no cordial from below the skies so sweet as that af- 
forded me by my dearest sister's letters ; nor are they earthly 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 275 

cordials, for they raise my heart to heaven. They bring my be- 
loved sister into my company, with her usual language of feel- 
ing and affection, and a mind spiritually tuned. I am thank- 
ful to taste so much pleasure, though far short of what would 
be conveyed by actual seeing and hearing : but this we shall 
soon attain to its full perfection. If it be the Divine will, I 
could wish we might both set sail at the same moment, and 
meet in our Father's kingdom, to prostrate ourselves in heaven- 
ly union at the feet of our adorable Saviour ; uttering, with one 
heart and voice, praise, glory, and honor, for his great salva- 
tion. I want more simply, and actually, to realize this expec- 
tation. Sometimes I seem, for a moment, to reach towards it ; 
but such favors are transient. Yet they give vigor to hope and 
prayer. I dare not try to realize the actual moment of depar- 
ture ; spectres hover about a dying pillow. I therefore endeav- 
or to look first if my lamp be burning, and my loins girded, 
and if my grasp of the Saviour be firm : and then carry my 
sight within the veil, leaving the river behind. 

1 Faith builds a bridge across the gulf of death, 
To break the shock which nature needs must feel.'* 

Or rather, it walks with trembling steps over the bridge al- 
ready built by the God of truth ; it ought to walk with a firm 
step ; and if it may please Him so to order, so it shall be, when 
the time for going over is really at hand." 

Mrs. Hawkes probably here refers to those deepened impres- 
sions of the heinous nature of sin, and those clearer views 
of the majesty, purity, and justice of God, which are often pre- 
sented to the mind on a dying bed ; and which bring forward 
past offences, like "spectres" hovering round the conscious 
soul, while looking through the thinning veil of flesh, into an 
awful eternity. Satan also, " the accuser of the brethren," is 
sometimes permitted to assault and terrify the dying Christian 
with peculiar temptations. He takes advantage of those re- 
mains of the spirit of bondage, " through fear of death," which 
have a tendency to enfeeble, benumb, and chill with horror, at 
thoughts of the transition ; and endeavors to keep the be- 
liever from a comfortable remembrance of Him, who saith, 
" Deliver him from going down to the pit ; for I have found a 
ransom." Thus the " powers of darkness" have their " hour ;" 
and are allowed, for a moment, to eclipse that Sun of Right- 
eousness, which is about to burst with glory on the emancipated 

* Young's Night Thoughts. 



276 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

soul. This last conflict, however, though sharp, is usually 
short ; and Satan being finally cast down, the mind of the 
waiting Christian is filled with heavenly expectation, of " an 
abundant entrance into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord 
and Saviour Jesus Christ." Many blessed anticipations of the 
beatific vision were, from time to time, afforded Mrs. Hawkes 
during her pilgrimage here below, which led her to " speak of 
the glory of the kingdom," as in the following letter to Mrs. 
Jones : — 

" As the refreshing showers to the thirsty ground, so is every 
letter of my beloved sister to my spirit. I have much commu- 
nion with you ; and I am thankful that I am able, in any 
measure, to meet your experience ; and that there is a sacred 
chord in my heart so in unison with yours, that it vibrates at 
your heavenly touch, and sounds out in songs of praise to him 
who hath united us, in and to himself, in the bonds of the ever- 
lasting Covenant. Yes, glory and blessing be to Jehovah, our 
Lord ! we are fast advancing under the same gracious Leader, 
to a land of pure delight ; where we shall be ready to say to 
each other, ' Tune your harp, my sister, to higher notes.' Nor 
to all eternity shall we be able to fathom this ocean of grace 
and love, though we should be advancing in knowledge with 
all the rapidity and power of heavenly faculties. I have been 
much occupied in endeavoring to contemplate that glorious 
majesty, who, because he is infinite, can never be compre- 
hended by the highest archangel. What an idea is presented 
to the mind by the stupendous terras, Infinite, Eternal. O 
Time ! thou single moment of duration ! strange that so many 
thoughts and contrivances should be devoted to thee ! Soon 
shall it be said to each of us, as well as to millions besides, 
' Time shall be no longer.' Your wings are already stretched ; 
and mine I am endeavoring to stretch, ready to soar away at 
the glad signal. Let us, (but it is hard work,) look over Jor- 
dan's narrow passage to that celestial city, whose glorious 
light we behold, though but as a twinkling star, through faith's 
telescope. 

" The painful and strange symptoms which my complaint 
puts forth, do, indeed, often fill me with fearful expectations. 
And when faith fails, and my eye turns downwards, my knees 
are ready to smite together, and my flesh and heart to fail. 
That sweet promise has comforted me, 'When thou passest 
through the waters I will be with thee, and through the rivers 
they shall not overflow thee.' I seem now but just entering 
the heat of the battle ; pray for me, that if it pleases Him, 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 277 

the combat may be short, and the shout of victory quickly suc- 
ceed. 

" I have many who come to talk with me ; and the feeling 
of my inability helps to teach me dependence. Every day I 
repeat, mostly in the very words of Solomon, ' I am a little 
child, give me wisdom.' Let the words that I speak be not 
my words, but such as Thou shalt give me to speak. 

" Adieu, 

"S. H." 

On the subject of death, Mrs. Hawkes again expresses her 

views and feelings, in a letter to her friend, Mrs. C tt, to 

whom she writes, in the month of March, 1819, as follows : — 

" I do not know much of the feelings you mention respecting 
' the body being laid in the grave, the food of worms.' I have 
been so accustomed to think of the body as a mere lump of 
clay, soon to be mingled as ' dust with dust, and ashes with 
ashes,' having nothing remaining of its former self, except 
what is necessary to its identity, until it shall be raised a glo- 
rious body : — that it always ranks in my mind with other ma- 
terial substances, of no value beyond their present use. My 
delight, and effort, is to contemplate the new and surprising 
powers of the disembodied spirit, landed in a region of pure 
delight, where its faculties will be in full perfection; and 
where, as I conceive, it will with intensity of desire, and incon- 
ceivable vigor and speed, be still stretching forward to explore 
the wonders and glories of heaven ; and especially to attain a 
more perfect knowledge of Him, who, as the only uncreated, 
self-subsisting Being, must to all eternity, be incomprehensible 
to a finite creature. Surely, to be filled with love, and to be 
discovering the glorious attributes of Deity, in our Father's 
house, as his redeemed children, — to whom he will delight to 
make known the things of the kingdom, and himself as the one, 
everlasting, Triune God, — will furnish us with delightful, em- 
ployment through never-ending ages. To look into these 
things, constitutes our happiest moments in this life ; and to 
these sublime and joyful contemplations, should our minds be 
directed with all possible endeavor. But alas ! darkness, infirm- 
ity, anxiety, and the predominance of selfish objects over those 
of faith, together with the remains of our carnal nature, pre- 
vent our dwelling on these animating themes, and shut out the 
rays of this glorious abode. Yet, blessed be his name, the Sun 
of Righteousness has arisen ; and the heavenly beams which he 
condescends, by the Holy Spirit, to dart into our prison-house, 



278 



MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 



fill our souls with the only true joy we experience, and eclipse 
all the false glare and splendor of this world ; and we know, 
and rejoice, that this true light shall shine more and more unto 
the perfect day. Blessed Saviour, assist us to open every door 
and window of our souls, that we may be full of light ! and then 
we shall be full of love ; and be daily changed into the image 
of Him whose name is Love. 

" I must not, however, omit to say, that I, as well as my be- 
loved friend, have some disquieting ideas about death. These 
are attached to the actual season of departure, the time of dy- 
ing, chiefly as touching the derangement, incoherence, and 
weakness, that then sits in full triumph over all that has dis- 
tinguished the human character. But I alloiv not such cogita- 
tions : my Saviour has promised to be with his sheep as a guide 
and guardian through the dark valley. Of whom then, and of 
what, should we be afraid ? Dying grace is promised to dying 
times ; and when we were graciously told, ' to take no thought 
for the morrow,' — this, and every other anxiety was alike for- 
bidden. Oh, my beloved sister, in this vale of tears ! let us not 
faint and grow weary in our minds ; our difficulties, dangers 
and impediments in our heavenly progress, are doubtless many 
and oppressive ; but if we are disciples of Christ, and are living 
as such, we live for a glorious purpose, — even to be witnesses 
for Him who loved us, and gave himself for us, — and whom we 
can uever, never, love as we ought." 

* % % * * % 

In the year 1820, Mrs. Hawkes was called to part with her 
beloved sister, Mrs. Jones. A short time before this aged 
Christian was taken to her rest, she had a serious illness ; but 
upon a temporary revival she writes to Mrs. Hawkes : — " I 
am, through favor, getting better from my late illness. In the 
entrance into my affliction, I felt as if in the peaceful fountain 
of love ; and I had more enjoyment than pain all through it. 
When he giveth peace, who then can give trouble ? A free 
gift indeed to sinners ! ' By grace are ye saved.' I am now 
able to bear the converse of my Christian friends ; and it does 
me good, because they are of my Father's family. I am daily 
endeavoring to realize my age, — for surely there is but a step 
between me and death. If you go first, I shall speedily follow ; 
and I trust you will welcome me into the blessed assembly. 
Remember, for your comfort, those will be nearest the throne, 
who ' came out of great tribulation.' May the Lord give my 
sister such spiritual views of the eternal ' weight of glory,' that 
she may account her sufferings upon earth ' not worthy to be 
compared' with such boundless bliss !" 



CHAP. VIII. — PROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 279 

The following letter addressed to Mrs. Jones during her tem- 
porary convalescence, brings to a close the interesting and edi- 
fying correspondence of these two sisters. Mrs. Hawkes 
writes : — 

" Happy and thankful am I to hear, that a heavenly efficacy 
has been given to the means used for the recovery of my dear 
sister's health ; and I trust the cure will be fully confirmed by 
a change of air. I have begun to go out a little, after a pri- 
vation of nearly five months ; and have been once or twice in 
St. John's Chapel. But I make poor work of it, and must, I 
fear, quite give up the attempt ; though it will be with much 
reluctance ; tor it has been my constant prayer, that as long 
as life is spared, I may worship in God's holy temple. Glorious 
manifestations of Himself, as revealed in his beloved Son, have 
you and I been favored with, in the sanctuary. And now, 
blessed be his name, which is faithfulness and truth ! we are 
by the same divine favor, enabled to bear witness, that the 
Lord is not confined to temples made with hands, — but that He 
is nigh unto all that call upon him : so nigh, as to unite Him- 
self to them in a mysterious and sacred oneness, far above all 
human comprehension, and far above human language to de- 
scribe. How has. Rutherford borne testimony to this effect ! as 
also the noble army of martyrs, — and the whole true church, 
before and since their time ! The flames, — the low dungeon, 
— the sick chamber, — the dying bed, — have often been made 
a Bethel, and the very gate of heaven. All I desire is, that 
these heavenly favors should be permanent instead of transient : 
but for this we must wait as well as pray. It is promised that 
even the ' last enemy' shall not harm us — for ' He shall swal- 
low up death in victory.' ' All things, Christian,' says an old 
writer, ' are thine, and shall work together for thy good. Life's 
distresses, — languishing, and final period, the time, manner, 
and every circumstance of thy death, are among the blessings 
purchased for thee by the precious blood of Christ. Death and 
the grave could not be in the saint's inventory of blessings, or in 
the triumph of his faith, had not the cross of Christ destroyed all 
that was evil in them, and made them friendly and harmless to 
his people.' 

" This assurance to such as you and I, drawing near the close 
of life, is very comforting. My mind dwells much on death ; 
and I want to learn with the blessed apostle to ' die daily.' 
This heavy body makes me long for freedom ; but this is not 
the sanctified motive for wishing to be gone. There is more 



280 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

resignation-work for me to practise ; pray for me that I may be 
a better pupil. 

" Ever yours, 

" S. H." 

Although Mrs. Hawkes' very affectionate disposition rendered 
her all through life peculiarly susceptible of grief, — yet to- 
wards the end of her course, near views of eternity enabled her 
so to realize a happy reunion with her Christian friends and 
relatives in the heavenly world, that she could look on the inter- 
vals of separation as momentary. After the death of Mrs. Jones 
she thus refers to the subject, when writing to her nephew, Mr. 
E. T. Jones :— 

" Ah ! your sainted mother used to animate us all by her 
sweet letters, and help us by her prayers ! and we should re- 
member that this office of love now devolves upon such as are 
left behind. Love one another, and help one another, are Di- 
vine injunctions. I trust, my dear nephew, that you feel an 
increasing love and gratitude to the God of all grace, that he 
hath 'called you out of darkness into his marvellous light.' 
It is indeed marvellous light ! which ' shineth more and more 
unto the perfect day :' and what the perfect day is, ' it hath not 
entered into the heart of man to conceive.' I long that the veil 
which obscures it from shining on my soul, should be taken 
away. I long to widen the poor narrow crevices of my heart, 
which admit only a glimmering ray, that it may be filled with 
light. I long to be with her who now rejoices in the full blaze 
of day. Let us not seek her among the dead, but among the 
living ; and trim our lamps afresh, and listen for the bride- 
groom's coming : for he will come, and how soon we know 
not. To me, a weary pilgrim, ' Come, Lord Jesus, come 
quickly.' " 

While, however, faith was thus endeavoring to follow the de- 
parted spirit with congratulation, the depression which this loss 
produced on Mrs. Hawkes' animal spirits, is naturally expressed 

in a letter to her valued friend, Mrs. Y , to whom, in the 

month of August, 1820, she thus writes : — 

" Your remark is true, and I feel it more than I even ex- 
pected, ' that while faith may be mercifully strengthened, na- 
ture is weak ;' and in such an enfeebled state as mine, it fails on 
every touch of new excitement and agitation. Through infi- 
nite goodness, I am not greatly depressed : yet a pensiveness, 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 281 

which I feel it necessary to guard against, lest it should degen- 
erate into a fixed sadness, hovers over my mind, and proves how 
much I am enfeebled, and shaken like the reed by every passing- 
breath. I trust, however, that by Divine help, this sorrowful 
event will be numbered among the ' all things' that shall ' work 
together for good.' Whatever operates to bring the eternal 
world into closer contact with the mind, and leads the soul 
to cling with a more tender and strong adherence to the 
blessed Saviour, — and opens wider the eye of faith, to see Him 
stooping from his mercy-seat, to mark, and watch over every 
event and circumstance, and the ear of faith, to hear him in- 
wardly proclaim, ' In the world ye shall have tribulation, but in 
me ye shall have peace :' — whatever may be accompanied with 
these salutary effects, must be a blessing, however painful to 
sense and nature." 

Mrs. Hawkes again alludes to the death of her sister, on the 
return of her birth-day. 

Oct. 13, 1820. — "Another year of increased burden, feeble- 
ness, and suffering, is accomplished ! Wonders of mercy rise 
upon me ; wonders of ill-deservings ; — wonders of Divine pity 
and favor ! 

.y ,- >Y- JA, 4Z. «!£. Ji. 

"fr *f? W •«* TP •75* 

" Oh. that I had the wings of a dove, that I might flee away, 
and unite with my ever-beloved and now glorified sister in songs 
of praise ' to him who hath loved us !' Sweetly her voice vi- 
brates in my ear, ' sister spirit, come away.' I am waiting on 
the solemn shore of Jordan's flood, till a sweeter, stronger voice 
shall say, ' Launch out into the deep ;' ' Be not afraid ;' ' Lo, I 
am with you always ;' ' It is I, be not afraid.' — Amen. Come, 
Lord Jesus, come quickly." 

From the perusal of various letters, it appears that much of 
Mrs. Hawkes' correspondence, during the year 1821, was 
dictated by the desire to assist some young persons from the 
country, who were in need of recommendation. Her exten- 
sive acquaintance opened to her this opportunity of usefulness ; 
and her benevolence of mind made her ready thus to employ 
her energies whenever called upon to do so. At the close 
of the following letter to Mrs. Y , she refers to this sub- 
ject : — 

"June 25, 1821. 
" My dear Madam, 

" Day after day, for some weeks past, I have attempted to write, 
but have been always hindered after proceeding a few lines ; and 



282 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

I have also waited for that retirement, and full composure of 
mind, which renders communication with a dear Christian 
friend doubly profitable. I wish, both in speaking- and writing, 
to be under the best influence. It is easy to find words ; but 
unless they are accompanied by a lively impression upon the 
heart, nothing is conveyed to any purpose. Alas ! what various 
circumstances and occurrences are every day arising, that tend 
to damp those sweet and heavenly impressions with which we 
may be enabled to begin the day ! After some favored moments 
of morning blessings, I have thought, — surely I shall be strong 
in the Lord through the day, and shall suffer no inferior things 
to call off my mind, or disturb the inward peace that has now 
been so graciously afforded ! Yet sad to say, ere the evening 
returns, I resemble the dry leaf, which is blown to and fro with 
every wind ; — and before I laj^ down my head on my pillow at 
night, I can only creep to the foot of the blessed cross ashamed 
to come there again and again, with spotted, rent, and polluted 
garments, — repeating the same cry, ' God be merciful to me a 
sinner !' Oh, deal not with me according to my deserts, but 
according to the infinite value of that precious sacrifice, to which 
I flee for acceptance ! Ah ! my dearest madam, neither the 
tongues of men, nor angels, can ever adequately declare the 
wonders of redeeming love ! nor the free access that is vouch- 
safed to the penitent and mourning sinner, when presenting his 
feeble supplications ; and when standing at mercy's door, cov- 
ered with shame and self-loathing, he is enabled to make fresh 
application to the blood of sprinkling, — and to cry, Wash me 
yet again, that I may be whiter than snow. Adored be sove- 
reign grace and mercy, often have we in such sacred seasons 
heard the blessed Saviour's voice, saying, ' go in peace !' ' I 
will ; be thou clean !' Oh that on every occasion, to the end of 
life, we may ever hear his voice, and follow it uprightly, — intel- 
ligently, — and unreservedly ! 

" I think I may say, no day passes in which you are not more 
or less in my thoughts, and more especially on the Sabbath. 
I know that you are longing, like myself, to be led into those 
green pastures, and fed with that feast of fat things, formerly 
granted to us. I trust, however, that you are with open mouth 
receiving large supplies of living water, more immediately from 
the Fountain of Life. Ah, how gratuitously is it offered ! How 
sweet and urgent the condescending invitation to come and par- 
take of it freely ! 

" I do yet hope for the favor and pleasure of personal com- 
munion with you, my dear madam, — such as I have been in- 
dulged with in time past, and which I highly value, and very 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 283 

gratefully estimate. I have longed to communicate with you 
by letter, but have had innumerable interruptions. I have been 
anxiously engaged of late in writing letters of inquiry, and also 
advertising in the public papers, in the earnest hope of obtain- 
ing a situation for a young friend, as preparatory governess. I 
have applied to Mr. Hatchard, and in every quarter I could, but 
without success ; and I must now let my young friend return 
home, (though so far distant as Gloucestershire,) where she 
must wait until something eligible offers ; for I really can do no 
more for her at present. I can comfortably recommend her as 
a confidential character, and I trust that a kind Providence will, 
ere long, interfere on her behalf. 

# % # * • * * 

" May the Great Shepherd of his sheep bless and keep you, 
my dear madam, nigh unto himself, and ever lead you by the 
waters of comfort ! prays, 

" Your truly attached friend and servant, 

" S. H." 

To a friend at Dover she writes, in the month of October, as 
follows : — 

" In younger years I should have been delighted in being 
with you at Dover ; for like yourself I admire it greatly. My 
beloved sister Jones, and I, once spent a few weeks there, and 
enjoyed it much. Your taste for the picturesque would have 
increased my pleasure sevenfold. I have still the fine sea and 
cliffs in my eye. But, at present, I am gazing on, and I hope 
diving into an ocean without bottom or boundary : and I am 
looking and climbing, (in effort at least,) that Rock which is 
higher than I ; and which shall stand unshaken when the sea 
shall be dried up, and when mountains shall depart, and fall 
and moulder away. In proportion as success is afforded me in 
this effort, all below sinks into mere nothingness. 

" I rejoice to hear that your health is better. To be called 
to great exertion with small strength is very wearying. Yet, 
were health and strength best for us, we have an Almighty 
Friend, able and ready to bestow them. We must therefore 
believe, that there is sufficient reason for our present dispensa- 
tion, and endeavor to get all the good which it is designed to 
yield. It is far less easy for energetic minds to abound in pas- 
sive graces than in active ; yet the one are as important as the 
other, — and, in their place, equally pleasing to the Divine mind. 
I trust you are making advancement in higher studies than 
any this poor world can furnish. How different is the elevation ! 



284 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

and how different the effects ! The mind soon grows giddy, 
and thus sinks into degradation, on attaining any spot of earthly 
advancement ; but in proportion as we climb that Rock, which 
is so high that none can see its summit, the elevation only 
serves to sink us lower in self-loathing, and real humiliation. It 
is in the lowly valley we find the truest riches. Sweet humility ! 
sweet to be of a lowly mind ! I long for it. — I am in love 
with it. I am, I trust, seeking after it. This is far beyond all 
other attainments, however splendid. ' To this man will I look.' 
Ah, with what favor does the Divine eye beam on one that is 
truly ' poor in spirit,' and that ' tremble that His word,' with 
filial fear, love, and faith ! 

" I am inquiring for a serious family into which I wish to in- 
troduce a young lady as finishing governess ; and I shall be 
much obliged by your assistance. I want also a good situa- 
tion for an upper servant who has lived several years in her 
last place. 

" The description you give me of your proceedings, fills my 
mind with interest. Surely the hand of a gracious Father has 
hitherto directed your steps ! Oh, may his grace be given unto 
you in an abundant measure ! enabling you to give up your- 
self wholly, and unreservedly, to be His dedicated and obedient 
child, and causing all your words, and ways, to be directed to 
His glory. 

" Farewell, my dearest one. I must force my pen out of my 
hand, or I shall soon fill another sheet. My complaints are very 
predominating ; I would, therefore, trim my lamp continually, 
ready for the welcome call, ' Come up higher.' " 

The severe pain and illness which Mrs. Hawkes suffered tow- 
ards the close of the year 1821, led her to think that the time 
of her departure could not be far distant. Under such impres- 
sions she seems to have written the following lines : — 

Dec. 1821. — "Behold thy waiting servant, Lord ! waiting in 
extreme feebleness, and bodily decay, for the fulfilment of thy 
word. Isa. xl. 21 — 31, and Ephes. iv. 10 — 18. When by reason 
of old age, or disease, and decay of strength, the heart and flesh 
fail, and the grasshopper shall be a burden ; — when nature fails, 
and all its springs, and every action of the soul seems impeded ; 
— then is the season to be much in prayer for the fulfilment of 
those rich promises, which are peculiarly suited thereto. Then 
is the power of Divine grace, in an especial manner, made man- 
ifest : — then is felt the superiority of spiritual life over animal 
and intellectual life, — then is known, in a better measure, the 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 285 

inestimable value of ' a hope full of immortality :' — then is ex- 
perienced the blessedness of having in our hearts, ' Christ the 
hope of glory.' Raise, and increase in me, this feeble spark of 
heavenly life, O Lord. — For the negligence and mistakes of the 
past year, I pray for pardoning mercy. For my favors and 
comforts, I pray that my heart may be filled with gratitude : and 
that as I praise Thee for all that is past, so I may trust Thee 
for all that is to come." 

Mrs. Hawkes' vigor of mind, and natural strength of con- 
stitution, had hitherto wonderfully sustained her under long- 
continued suffering ; but she now felt every natural prop sink- 
ing from under her, and premature old age advancing. In the 
month of February, 1822, she says, in a letter to Mrs. F : 

" My beloved friend would wonder to see how old, and al- 
most helpless, I am grown. Yet, when I am seated on my 
couch, and in converse with kind friends, no great alteration 
(I am told) appears to a common observer ; for, through great 
mercy, my spirits are good, and my mind is kept in peaceful 
waiting for the longed-for permission, ' to be absent from the 
body, and present with the Lord.' A few weeks past, I thought 
I had obtained leave to depart : but the gold had more dross to 
be taken away, ere it could be fitted, as a pure vessel, for the 
Master's use. Decaying, sluggish nature shrinks from the pu- 
rifying fire : but, as far as it is renewed, it tries to say, ' The 
cup which my Father hath given me, shall I not drink it V " 

The next memorandum affords a specimen of her constant 
habit of self-examination ; and also evinces the regret she ex- 
perienced when friendly intercourse seemed to be unattended by 
spiritual improvement. 

June 18, 1822. — "Instead of watching unto prayer this 
morning on first rising up in my bed, I have been listless, and 
given place to vagrant thoughts ; which have rushed into my 
mind, like the letting-in of waters. Lord, let the sacred 
flame of Divine love, like the fire on Elijah's sacrifices, break 
forth, and drink up these deadening waters ! And do Thou, by 
thy Holy Spirit's influences, kindle a fire that shall burn up- 
wards in a morning sacrifice of prayer and praise unto Thyself, 
who alone art worthy to be loved, and praised. 

" This morning my two kind friends, S. and M., left me ; 
and my hopes have not been realized as to our profitable and 
spiritual communion together, during their stay. O Lord, bring 



286 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

them into a deeper knowledge of, and closer communion with, 
Thyself ! Creatures can do nothing for one another without 
Thy special help." 

The deeply experimental views which Mrs. Hawkes had ob- 
tained of the evil of sin and the depravity of her own heart, 
enabled her to enter entirely into the scriptural statement of 
the freedom of Divine grace ; as will appear in the following 
extracts of letters to different friends. 

Writing to her nephew, Mr. E. T. Jones, she says, — 

" Yes, yes, our salvation, first and last, is of free and sove- 
reign grace, through faith. What are the songs of the re- 
deemed in heaven for so great salvation ? And let the redeemed 
on earth ask themselves, — and you and I, my dearly beloved 
nephew, — What proportion does our adoration, our songs of 
praise and thanksgiving, our eager waiting to know and do His 
holy will, bear to the worship of those blessed saints and an- 
gels, who, with veiled faces, cry day and night, Holy, Holy, 
Holy ! As for me, such a sight is sometimes graciously afford- 
ed me, or rather, I should say, such a glimpse, of the glory of 
the God of our salvation, as revealed in the blessed Gospel of 
Jesus Christ, — and, at the same time, such a sight of myself as 
' unclean, unclean,' a creature of unclean lips and life, — that 
self-hatred, and self-abasement, and faith and hope in the ador- 
able Saviour, are put to the struggle, whether I shall say, He 
surely cannot love so vile a wretch as I am, — or whether to say, 
Christ is mine, and I am His, and ' there is no condemnation to 
them who are in Christ.' " 

To her friend Mrs. C tt, at the opening of the year 1823, 

she touches on the same theme : 

" I number it among the painful privations occasioned by 
my growing disease and infirmities, that I cannot keep up a 
regular interchange of thought, with many valuable, and be- 
loved, distant friends. There is, however, a spot — blessed be 
Him whose coming we, at this season, are especially called to 
commemorate ! where Christian friends can meet each other, 
though far removed in person. How sweet the meeting-place ! 
How high the privilege ! How rich the communion ! How 
profitable the sacred exercise, when we bow at the footstool of 
Divine mercy ! May you, and I, my dear friend, seek to en- 
ter into it with freedom of access, remembering each other in 
our prayers. No doubt you feel with me many hinderances 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 287 

from without, and what is more sad, many hinderances from 
within, to the calm and comfortable enjoyment of this wonder- 
ful and solemn intercourse of the soul with God. I feel this 
sickly, pained body, a heavy clog ; from which, often would 
the spirit disengage itself, if so it might be. Soon, however, 
will the warfare be ended, and the crown of victory be given 
us. And for what will it be given ? Because we have fought 
so patiently — so courageously — so holily — so faithfully ? Ah, 
no ! I feel ashamed at the use of St. Paul's words of triumph, 
— ' I have fought a good fight ;' a good fight indeed it is : but 
oh, how unfaithfully, how wretchedly fought ! how much the 
reverse of, ' as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.' Yet, for his 
own name's sake, to every really enlisted soldier, will the crown 
be given : while, with songs of praise, we shall shout, ' Grace, 
grace unto it ;' free, sovereign, unmerited grace ! Let us, there- 
fore, my beloved sister in Christ, take courage ! praying for 
strength to hold out unto the end, keeping our eye fixed on the 
glorious prize. 

" The last year has borne away in its flight several of my 
dear Christian friends, and some relatives. Amongst the latter, 
stands numbered my valuable brother-in-law, Mr. Jones, whose 
death was 'truly happy. The last death in the circle of my 

friends, has been that of Mrs. Fearon, the least expected ! 
* % * * * -* 

" My prayer for you, my kind friend, as w T ell as for myself, 
this new year shall be, that we may freely partake of the ex- 
ceeding riches of Christ, and bring forth the fruits of the Spirit 
abundantly, to the glory and praise of his holy name." 

In addressing another friend she says, — 

" Let me echo back your request, ' Do not cease to pray for 
me ; ask for grace, do not ask for anything else.' I endeavor 
to do as you desire me, and I trust you will do the same for 
me. Grace, grace, is all we want, until we reach to glory. 
How full, how free it is ! Who can tell how much may be 
granted to prayer ! ' He giveth liberally and upbraideth not.' 
This is my constant joy and wonder. ' He upbraideth not ;' 
yet I am full of upbraidings at myself, and with good reason. 
Still in Him I have peace, praised be his name." 

"Writing to Mr. E. T. Jones, during the season of Lent, she 
says,— 

" I wish I could tell you, my dearest nephew, in deep hu- 



288 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

mility, and singleness of eye, to the praise of the Saviour's pre- 
cious name, and in hope of your profiting, what a most sacred 
and sweet season I have found this Lent, in which the love 
and sufferings of Christ, and Him crucified, are by our excel- 
lent church especially brought before our observation. Before 
its commencement, I was led to much prayer that I might re- 
ceive, through the teaching of the blessed Spirit, and by means 
of the written word, clearer and stronger discoveries, of this 
unfathomable, hidden mystery ; — and also discoveries of the 
evil of sin, as sin, — in the ruin that it has brought into the 
glorious creation, as originally formed ; and of the mysteries 
entailed, and existing, even in the new-born creature, while 
connected with a vile body of sin and death. And, that I 
might, at the same time, behold a rich display of that redemp- 
tion, that finished salvation that was sealed and ratified, when 
(0 let us hear it with solemnity !) the expiring, incarnate God 
cried with a loud voice, ' It is finished !' 

" How very graciously a prayer-hearing God has vouchsafed 
to listen to my supplication, in enlarging my heart, I must not 
now stay to enter upon. I would rather enjoin you to unite 
with me in thanksgiving ; and encourage to search and dive 
into the height and depth, and length, and breadth, of redeem- 
ing love." 

In the summer of 1823, Mrs. Hawkes was called to part with 
another sister, whose death she thus laments in writing to a very 
old friend : — 

" As long as my lingering, troubled life is spared, I hope I 
shall be able to communicate, at least occasionally, with my be- 
loved and old friend. Many years have we communed together 
concerning our trials — our hopes and fears — our prospects both 
as to this world and the next ; and I trust that till we are sepa- 
rated by death, we shall continue so to do. Ah, my dear friend, 
our time is shortening every day ! and as death is now laying 
its awful grasp on many around us, so it will assuredly soon 
lay hold on us. By this time, you no doubt have heard that, 
with almost a sudden stroke, it has taken away my dear sister 
Mynors ! I will not attempt to delineate my feelings on this 
most affecting occasion. The shock it has given me has shaken 
my tottering tabernacle to the very centre, so that I think it 
will much hasten its entire downfall. I cannot dwell on the 
subject. Righteous art thou, O Lord, in all that thou doest ! I 
will lay my hand upon my mouth, and pray for resignation, 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 289 

and increasing trust in the name of the Lord, as a strong tower 
into which alorie we can run and be safe." 

In the month of July, she writes to the same friend as fol- 
lows : — 

" Alas ! my beloved friend ! our poor frail nature, with 
our feeble faith, will ever shrink from pain, and clamor for 
ease. "We are, therefore, told we have ' need of patience ;' and 
that God who is the giver of faith, is also the giver of patience. 
Under my present weakness and oppression, I am constrained 
to cry mightily that He will be pleased to keep me that I grow 
not weary and faint in my mind, of w T hich I often feel in dan- 
ger ; and that he will strengthen me with all might, according 
to his glorious power, ' unto all patience and long-suffering 
with joy fulness.' I find my faith much increased and estab- 
lished by reading and meditating on the precious promises, 
and in praying over them ; and in doing, as Mr. Xewton used 
to say, what a man does who has a bank note, with which he 
hastens to the bank to get payment. I am persuaded that a 
precious promise, taken in the hand of humble, patient faith, 
and presented to him who is ' The faithful and true,' will as- 
suredly bring answer of, ' I say unto you, Fear not ;' and will 
greatly remove our fears and increase our faith. I read the 
Scriptures with more delight, and, I trust, with more benefit, 
than I ever did. And when I am enabled, with appropriating 
faith, to turn every verse into prayer, it is like the pressing of 
the ripe grape, that yields the rich wine abundantly. I lament 
the little time I can get for this sweet and enriching employ- 
ment. 

" Have you heard of the death of M. Y. and her sister ? 
Death is thinning every circle. Let us keep it ever in view ; 
and in proportion as we are enabled thus to live by faith, we 
shall say, ' These light afflictions are but for a moment.' " 

To the same, at another period : 

" It is said, the trial of faith is ' much more precious than 
gold.' Let us remember this under our sharpest exercises, and 
pray mightily for grace to abide the fiery trial, whatever it may 
be. Let us cleave to the loving hand that smites us, and 
say, ' Though He slay me, yet will I trust in him.' Oh, if He 
may but get the smallest portion of honor and glory to his 
blessed name through our afflictions, sure they will prove our 
greatest blessings! For a poor sinful worm to be thought 
13 



290 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

worthy to yield him any glory, should make us not only willing 
to bear, but, like the Apostle, to ' take pleasure' in what we 
suffer. This must be the work of grace ; for which let us pray 
without ceasing. And since an eternity of happiness will cause 
us, (as soon as we enter upon it,) to forget all our sorrows, we 
ought, (Oh that we were able !) to 'count it all joy' to endure 
trials. I am very well persuaded that human nature is clam- 
orous for comfort more than grace. Even in the divine life, 
our cry is for comfort, — for consolation ; and though we ought 
to desire it, and pray for it, because it is promised that we 
shall not only have peace but joy in believing ; — yet I fear, if 
I may speak from my own experience, the desire is not so pure 
and unmixed as we are ready to believe : nature puts in her 
claim as well as grace. Could we, both in spiritual and tem- 
poral bestowments, submit to whatever denials our heavenly 
Father sees best for us, we should know more of that heavenly 
principle that says in all things, 'Thy will be done!' If the 
Captain of our salvation was made perfect through suffer- 
ings, — who had no drugs to purge away, — shall not we lay our 
account for the same, who have little else but dross ? What 
says the prophet after speaking of affliction ? — ' And this is all the 
fruit to take away sin.' It may be to the inexpressible loss of 
some, that afflictions are withheld; while I doubt not that 
they would be to our inexpressible gain, had we more faith to 
enter into their full design. I am ashamed at myself, at my 
groans and my cries under my burdens. Alas ! how weak is 
grace ! how strong is nature ! how averse to suffering ! how 
unwilling to engage in the warfare which, if well fought, shall 
end in victory ! We are apt to look for this or the other trial 
to be lightened or removed, — whereas, were we true soldiers, 
we should expect still farther combats from every quarter ; and 
rejoice in every fresh occasion to show our allegiance, our love 
to our Captain. These things, my dear friend, are very easy 
in theory ; and I am sure they should be reduced to practice. 
But nothing less than the mighty power of God can effect this. 
As soon as faith ebbs, then I begin to cast about, and look here 
and there to see what can be done ; till, perplexed and weary, I 
am driven back to ' transact with God.' Let us look more to 
him and less to ourselves. ' Commit thy way unto the Lord ;' 
that is, leave it to him, and ' He shall bring it to pass' — without 
any help of ours." 

There is one circumstance which renders Mrs. Hawkes' reli- 
gious experience peculiarly valuable. This is derived from 
sincerity of character, and real humility of mind, which led her 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 291 

to reveal ingenuously, for the edification of others, those in- 
stances in which, from the prevalence of nature over grace, 
she had been interrupted and hindered in her spiritual course. 
The faults of true Christians are constantly set before us in the 
Scripture, as beacons; and such accounts prove of important 
use to believers ; though the ungodly may wrest them, as well 
as other parts of Scripture, to their own destruction. In ad- 
dressing, about this period, an intimate friend, who was placed 
in circumstances in which both the feelings and temper were pe- 
culiarly exposed to assault, Mrs. Hawkes thus refers, in a way 
of caution and gentle admonition, to the experience of her for- 
mer years : 

" I enter more into your feelings than you will easily believe. 
You may, perhaps, recollect the state of mind I got into when 

at , which place was to me like a cider press. I conceive 

that you have been for many months in the same kind of cider 
press ; and what that produces, I shall ever remember to my 
sorrow ; while it leads me to understand, and sympathize with 
any one who is in such a kind of machine. The greatest mise- 
ry, however, (which lay upon me like a mountain,) was a con- 
sciousness of loss in spiritual comforts. A feeling of discon- 
tent, impatience, and dissatisfaction, soon produced in my soul a 
dearth and drought, which withered, or, at least, faded, every bud 
and blossom that had before been sweet and vigorous. I did, 
indeed, read my Bible : I prayed, sometimes agonized, but I 
did not look after my prayers ; I waited not for the answer. 
My discontent and murmurings neutralized, and too often poi- 
soned, the healing medicine for which I prayed. This was my 
temptation. Like the Israelites of old, my spirit within me 
was an unhappy, murmuring spirit. And I verily believe, that 
where this is suffered to creep in, it will proceed like a mildew ; 
and, if grace prevent not, it will, (without the aid of any other 
more palpable sin,) totally wither the once healthy and flourish- 
ing branch. I know full well, that second causes are some- 
times so pressing, so numerous, so constantly wearing, that we 
are ready to say, with Jonah, ' I do well to be angry ;' — ' heart 
and flesh fail ;' — and the waters are overwhelming. I also 
know, that this is the conclusion of sense and not of faith ; and 
that it all comes to this, — we must conquer to be conquered : 
we must get above second causes, or sink and be drowned : we 
must know our danger, and what is our resource. For what is 
it all, to pilgrims journeying through this wilderness to our 
country above? Are we not forewarned to expect all, and 
much more than we meet with ? Hath any temptation, not 



292 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

common to man, not experienced by millions of other pilgrims, 
happened unto us ? Shall we repine, or refuse to stand in our 
lot? Shall the soldier faint when he should fight ? Ah, my 

dear , mind nothing for yourself, but what tends to your 

being rooted and grounded in Christ; for all besides is a mere 
wreck. 

" I know you will be glad to hear that my lately deceased 
sister Mynors has left me an addition to my income, beyond 
what she formerly allowed me. I consider this, under all cir- 
cumstances, as an extraordinary mark of her care and kindness. 
Both my nephews have been in town. They express great 
kindness, and desire to make my latter da}~s more easy, and less 
anxious, than formerly. My nephew Jones also continues his 
father's contribution, from his own free will, and kind regard 
to me. Thus you see, my dear, it is with me as it has been 
for many years, — a life of dependence, and a life of merciful 
supplies. Proud human nature would not have chosen such a 
way. But when we are thoroughly convinced we deserve 
nothing, and when that conviction is sanctified, then we learn 
to say, 'Not my will, but thine, be done.' Praised be His 
name for any marks of care and love towards such a miserable 
sinner ! 

" Farewell, my ever-valued and loved one. May the God of 
all grace and mercy be your chief and only delight ! 
" Prays your affectionate, 

"S. H." 

The loss of several near relatives within the short space of 
two years, — together with the demand which disease ever 
makes on the animal spirits, — combined at this time to produce 
a distressing effect on Mrs. Hawkes' nervous system, which was 
remarkably delicate and susceptible. She writes in September 
to the same friend as follows : 

" I feel more feeble, and generally ill, than I have hitherto 
been. I do think that my lengthened disease, which has seem- 
ed to be stationary for so many years, is now rousing like a lion ; 
and, lion-like, it will soon devour its prey, the poor body, — but 
it cannot hurt the soul : glory be to the Sacred Lion of the 
tribe of Judah, — he can, and will deliver. In many respects 
your experience and mine are alike in feeling, though not in 
origin. Owing to the more general pressure of the tumor, 
and to the fearful loss of mental and bodily vigor, I am fallen 
into a nervous state which is truly distressing. Sometimes such 
deep depression seizes me, and without knowing why, that I 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1S28. 293 

can scarcely bear myself : sometimes such irritability, and at 
others such terror, that I feel as if my senses were going. I 
have also such an imperious, restless desire to be anywhere 
but where I am, as I never felt before. In what measure faith 
has been vouchsafed and exercised, and what inferences I have 
drawn, (during an occasional calm half-hour,) from this visita- 
tion, 1 will endeavor to tell you when I am able ; in the hope 
that you may obtain here and there a hint for yourself. I con- 
ceive the ground you are now traversing to be very uneven, 
rugged, and thorny ; yet I cannot help thinking, that were 
your nerves stronger, and your health more firm, you would 
go more on the trip over it, than you are now able to do. Had 
not my present nervous state opened to me some deep and 
sad secrets, I should wonder that you could be affected by the 
circumstances you mention. But I now know, by sad experi- 
ence, that though I may scorn the thing that vexes me, and 
call myself a fool a thousand times, yet there is no arguing 
with agitated, nerves. Still I do feel the benefit of knowing 
that the cause of disturbance is chiefly in myself: that it is 
disease which gives weight and importance to trifles ; and I 
find it better to fall out with myself, than with such things as 
I cannot alter. I try to say, Hush, be quiet, — and, as much 
as possible, turn to some project, or even to merely an amuse- 
ment. 

" I am persuaded that a nervous disease is quite distinct from 
a morbid turn of mind. Its seat is in the body, and its sway 
over the mind is affected by sympathy. Intellectual, and even 
religious aid, alone, will not remedy the evil, but sometimes 
increase it. We must have recourse to other helps ; we must 
as much as possible avoid whatever irritates; and if we cannot 
avoid, we must try to divert our thoughts to something else. I 
am terrified when I consider what disordered nerves produce ! 
The imagination is the first victim, and soon all that is horrid 
follows. Poor M. V. ! how well I know her history! How 
exactly I can trace her path ! A paralytic affection is a differ- 
ent thing, though the effects are often similar. I am alarmed 
for all nervous subjects who are in any circumstances that tend 
to agitate. Even prayer becomes often, in such cases, too 
strong an excitement, except in the way of humble ejaculation. 
But when more peaceful and self-possessed, then we should cry 
mightily unto the Lord, to be strengthened with all might, ac- 
cording to his glorious power, unto all patience and long-suf- 
fering, with joyfulness. 

"I must now say farewell; and try to quiet my beating 
head on my pillow, from which it is roused every morning, at 



294 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

early dawn, by the most distressing sensations. I long to fly 

away and be at rest, in that world, where my dearest 

and I shall love each other better and better forever ! Let us 
do it here, where love is almost a stranger, — to which compact 
I subscribe my name, 

"S. Hawkes." 

In the hope of somewhat alleviating Mrs. Hawkes' state of 
nervous debility, a friend had expressed to the family of the 
Rev. Josiah Pratt, then at Hampstead, a wish to remove any 
pecuniary difficulty which might prevent Mrs. Hawkes from 
trying the benefit of change of air : requesting Mrs. Pratt to 
provide for her a lodging near to them, without mentioning to 
whom she was obliged. To this kind proposal Mrs. Hawkes 
replies in the following note ; in which she also expresses her 
gratulations on the occasion of Mr. Pratt's being chosen Vicar 
of St. Stephens', Coleman-street. 

"Sept. 1823. 

" I return many thanks, my dear madam, for your kind 
wish that I should reap the advantage of this exceedingly fine 
weather, which I know must make Hampstead very desirable ; 
as also does the pleasure I should find in society with you and 
yours. But I am so poorly and heartless, that at present I can- 
not call up sufficient spirits to venture on leaving home. 

" The pleasing tidings of Mr. Pratt's success had reached me 
before I was favored with your note. The only abatement of 
my joy on the account is, that I fear Mr. Pratt's labors will be 
increased, rather than lessened ; and one cannot but wish him 
to have rest, instead of toil, after such a life of fatigue and wear, 
as his has been. Yet I know where his strength lies : — ' Thy 
shoes shall be iron and brass ; and as thy'days, so shall thy 
strength be ;' which blessed promise I trust he will have the 
full experience of, through new duties, as well as in those which 
are past. I rejoice that another ' Bethesda,' is mercifully 
opened in this wicked city ; and ardently hope that there will 
flock together, ' blind, halt, withered,' — and find healing. Al- 
though I feel some faintings under my own burdens, for my 
much esteemed and revered friend my hope and expectations 
rise high, that his strength shall be renewed as the eagle's; and 
that, in his new sanctuary, the Lord ' will make the place of his 
feet glorious.' " 

In October, Mrs. Hawkes writes to her valued friend, Mrs. 
Y , as follows : — 



chap. ynj. — from a. d. 1817 to 1828. 295 

" If I tell you, my dear madam, anything relating to my- 
self, which, from your condescending kindness, I have reason 
to believe you would desire I should, I must say, that, for a 
season, I have been passing through rather deep waters ; such 
as from my short-sightedness, and, I fear, self-dependence, was 
quite unlooked for ; yet for which I was, I hope, not quite 
unprepared. Blessed be the God of all mercy, help in time 
of need was afforded ; and though the billows rose high, and 
looked dark and dismal, they were not suffered to overflow my 
soul. Through all, my faith was wonderfully strengthened, to 
take a firm hold on the precious promises of the Gospel ; so 
that, I trust, I have a fresh experience of the blessedness of 
being built on that Rock, which no storms or tempests cau 
shake ; and of being led instantly to fly for refuge, and protec- 
tion, under the wings of Almighty love, and there find safety, 
certain and assured safety. And now, that these fearful waters 
are in a good measure abated, a new song of praise employs 
my sweetest hours ; together with the endeavor to bear in mind, 
and treasure up some important lessons, and gracious teachings, 
vouchsafed in the way. I believe that to the very end of life, 
it will be our painful experience, day by day, to feel and dis- 
cover what sin hath wrought ; into what depths it hath cast 
our nature ; what hidden holds of deceit it maintains, not only 
in the unrenewed heart, but, sad to say, even where renewing 
grace hath been given. We need not, however, fear to dive 
into the depths of sin's ruin and misery, while Christ dwelleth 
in our hearts by faith : for then shall we triumph over sin and 
Satan ; and be viewing, and, in an increasing measure, compre- 
hending, ' the breadth, and length, and depth, and height,' of 
that immeasurable love, which hath redeemed us from death, 
and hell's destruction." 

The " deep waters" to which Mrs. Hawkes refers in the fore- 
going letter, were probably those severe sufferings from ner- 
vous debility, with which she had been lately attacked ! She 
had not only made this affliction a subject of prayer, but also 
requested that her friends would unite with her in supplica- 
tions for the removal of an evil which she so much deprecated. 
It appears by the following extract of one of her letters at this 
time, that God had graciously granted, in answer to these 
prayers, a considerable remission of her nervous symptoms : 
she says, 

" I have, from a sense of duty, forced myself into my Bath- 
chair, and am much relieved in my nervous feelings, though 



296 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

still sinking under disease. I cannot help saying, that any- 
thing, everything seems light and bearable, compared with ner- 
vous depression and agitation. And I do think, (with rev- 
erence, humility and gratitude, would I acknowledge it !) that 
my prayers, and the prayers of my loving friends, have been 
heard and graciously answered, in a way of very considerable, 
if not entire, relief from that distressing malady. Oh, that it 
may not again be permitted to return ! more especially, as my 
strength declines. Yet, I must take shame to myself if I fear 
concerning anything which may happen unto me, while I am 
enabled daily to commit my body, soul, and spirit, into the 
preserving, protecting hands, of infinite wisdom, love, and 
power. Oh, what depths have I been raised out of ! With 
what mercy and loving-kindness hath the Father of all good- 
ness followed me, all my life through ! And even in my late 
sufferings, He hath made my faith so strong in His precious 
promises, that I have, as it were, held them in my hand with a 
firmer and more sensible grasp, than I think ever before. Is 
not this from all-sufficient grace ? Free for you, and for me, 
and for all ! Let us therefore praise as well as supplicate, and 
trust in Him at all times." 

Tn the year opening 1824, Mrs. Hawkes addresses a very old 
friend as follows : 

"My dearest friend cannot more desire a letter from me 
than I desire to write to her. It would afford me the truest 
pleasure and satisfaction to keep up a speedy and regular re- 
turn of letters, so that a free communication may flow on in 
one uninterrupted and useful course : but my entire inability 
for this pleasing exertion, both as it respects yourself, and 
many others who ask, and wait, for peculiar counsel and help, 
constitutes one of my daily trials, — causes me many a groan, 
— and makes a part of that burden, which I feel requires the 
help of all-sufficient grace, to enable me to endure and sup- 
port. Truly, I am made increasingly to know the significancy 
of the apostle's words, — ' We groan, being burdened." For- 
ever blessed be the adorable Saviour, who doth not leave me 
to repine or sink, while yet groaning ; but who causes me to 
experience something of his Divine strength, made perfect in 
my weakness ; and raises and invigorates my hope into a 
' lively hope,' ' full of immortality.' Soon, my dearest friend, 
shall your earthly house, and mine, be dissolved ; and when, 
by an assured faith, we can behold our ' house eternal in the 
heavens,' we may well be content to endure and wait all our 



CHAP. YIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 297 

appointed days, until our change come: — especially since they 
are gladdened by innumerable mercies. 

" I do most sincerely and heartily join in your rejoicing on 
the account of your dear daughter. ISTo greater joy can be af- 
forded the heart of a Christian parent, than is assuredly given 
to yours. How poor and miserable an exchange, would be a 
rich earthly inheritance, for an inheritance among the saints ! 
He who is the author will be the finisher of her faith. Bless 
the Lord, O our souls, that this dear child gives us every satis- 
fying indication and hope that the Saviour has called her with 
an effectual calling ! He hath mercifully brought her into his 
sacred fold, and will lead, feed, and protect her as his own. I 
do earnestly wish that she would communicate with you con- 
cerning her experience, frequently and freely : there would be 
great advantage in so doing. A young convert must have 
much to learn, — will experience many fears, — must expect as- 
saults and conflicts ; — will find dangers attendant on every step, 
— which want of knowledge, and want of experience, will 
greatly increase. May the adorable Saviour carry her as one 
of His lambs in His safe and gracious arms, and bind her with 
the cords of faith and love to Himself! 

" I doubt not that at the close of the past year, and at the 
commencement of the new, you and I have been engaged ex- 
actly in the same way ; — namely, in ' remembering all the way 
which the Lord had led us through our past years, to prove 
us, and to show us what is in our hearts.' Surely we must 
stand amazed at ourselves, as at the ' burning bush,' still burn- 
ing and yet unconsumed. That our gracious God has not 
dealt with us as our sins deserve, — but, on the contrary, has 
spared and followed us with loving-kindness and tender mercy, 
— must be to both of us a subject of wonder and praise. I 
trust we may have been encouraged to enter on the new year 
with renewed humiliation and faith, and dedication of ourselves 
to the Lord. I unite with you, my dear friend, in raising a 
new Ebenezer ; and in committing our bodies, souls, and spir- 
its, into his blessed hands, for time and eternity. He that 
hath kept, will keep, that which we have committed unto Him. 
Let us be willing to be low in temporal comforts, so that we 
may be rich in grace, — which is infinitely better. 

"I am much in my old way, with symptoms fluctuating 
every day, and two or three times in a day ; and am extreme- 
ly enfeebled. But I trust that I am going on my way with 
some haste and earnestness ; longing, and waiting, for the glo- 
rious vision, which, though it tarry, shall assuredly come in the 
best time." 

13* 



298 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

The next letter addressed to Mrs. C tt, contains a far- 
ther detail of Mrs. Hawkes' painful symptoms, — not indeed 
very different from what has gone before, but expressed in so 
natural and touching a manner, that the reader is thereby put 
in possession of evidence concerning her case, not to be obtain- 
ed from any other pen but that of the sufferer. It contains 
also a fine transition, from the groans of oppressed nature, to 
the songs of a redeemed spirit : — 

"March 30, 1824. 

" Alas ! with what pain do I take up my pen to address my 
valued and ever beloved friend, occasioned by the recollection 
of the length of time which has elapsed since I was favored by 
her letter ! and from the fear that she should think me un- 
grateful in returning no acknowledgment of her continued 
kind communications ; continued until my sad delays must 
have led her to despair of a return ! I feel it quite impossible 
to give to any friend, who is not an eye-witness of every pass- 
ing day, any idea how my time is taken up ; — or, rather I 
should say, how one day after another slips away, without my 
having the power to use it. I seem as though I was really a 
waster of time ; and it forms one of my trials that I am not 
able to use my fleeting, precious moments, for any good pur- 
pose to myself or others. An extreme languor and debility has 
prevailed over my frame for nearly twelve months ; with a 
variety of nervous symptoms, distressing, and quite unusual. 
My strength is so decreased, that I am obliged to decline com- 
pany as formerly. A little conversation soon exhausts me, — 
although I still delight in sweet Christian society, when able to 
bear it ;— and I feel this additional privation, together with my 
inability to keep up a regular interchange of letters with dis- 
tant friends, — often depressing to my spirits. In short, the 
last twelve months have been mingled with a variety of pain- 
ful sufferings, which have, I fear, induced too strong a desire 
to escape, and leave the field of battle, before permission is 
given. I suppose it is a common case, that the present suffer- 
ing seems always the heaviest ; perhaps if some of my former 
painful days (which being past appear more easy to bear than 
the nervous, disquieting, and languid state I am now under,) 
were to return, I should find my mistake in thinking them to 
be preferred. 

" I cannot, however, help numbering nervous diseases, with 
all their variable and unhinging symptoms, among the most 
trying to the mind : for often they are found to set at defiance 
all arguments, both Christian and rational. And all that can 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 209 

be done is to pray for grace to endure. I trust, my dear friend, 
you will give me credit when I assure you, that my long si- 
lence has arisen from these circumstances of suffering, and 
not from the least diminution of affection and interest towards 
you. Much have you occupied my musing moments ; — I have 
even begun writing to you, and could not proceed : and often 
wish you could know my mind and heart, and the place you 
will ever hold therein. But after all this long detail of bodily 
sufferings which I intend only as explanatory, and not as re- 
pining, — as occasion of many groanings, but, I trust, not one of 
murmuring; — let me, as grace shall enable me. now tune my 
harp, and send forth sounds of praise ; and make mention of 
the blessed Saviour's name, which, to your heart, my beloved 
and honored friend, is sweeter music than all the charms this 
earth can afford. Yet, so poor are the conceptions of the 
mind, and such the poverty of language, to express even those 
views and feelings which faith sometimes bestows, that I am 
often ready to lay my hand on my mouth, or to lay down my 
pen and say, the love of Christ is too high, too sacred, too glo- 
rious a theme, for such a defiled, grovelling worm to expatiate 
upon, or even touch. It is above all comprehension ; far must 
it be beyond all description ! Heaven is the place to set it 
forth. 

" Yet, hath it seemed Him good to form earthen vessels, 
mean as they are, for his praise. And surely, surely, after 
the bestowmeut of his grace and favor, — and the loading of 
Ms benefits, — and all the blessings of salvation, — if we do not 
tell of his love, and magnify his name, the very stones and 
beams of our dwelling would cry out against us, and put us to 
shame. 

" Let me therefore, in deep humiliation, and self-renuncia- 
tion, bear my feeble testimony, that they who trust in the Lord^ 
and ' cry unto Him in their trouble, He saveth them out of 
their distresses.' He may see good to continue affliction ; but 
when the heart begins to faint and fear, then some cheering 
beams of light are caused to arise, which again turn our heavi- 
ness into rejoicing. And when darkness hovers over, and ob- 
scures our goings, the entrance of the blessed Scripture giveth 
light ; ' it giveth understanding unto the simple ;' the word 
becomes a lamp unto her feet ; and we are enabled to set unto 
our seal, that when trouble and ano-uish lay hold upon us, the 
commandments are our delights ; and God our Saviour is our 
hidiug-place, and our shield, our refuge, and strong tower. 
Truly have I, through free grace and favor, experienced what 
is so sweetly penned by David in the 23d Psalm, — 'The Lord 



300 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

is my shepherd :' indeed the Scriptures throughout have been 
wonderfully opened, and sealed, and blessed to me. I think I 
never found so much fulness and sweetness in them as of late. 
So that I am enabled, praised be the Lord ! to say, ' More are 
they to be desired than gold, yea, than much fine gold ; sweet- 
er also than honey, or the honey-comb.' They are indeed my 
1 songs in the night.' ' Thy word is true from the beginning-, 
and every one of thy righteous judgments endureth forever.' 
Oh, for an enlarged heart, to rest in the precious promises, ac- 
cording to the Divine warrant that is given us to rest in them ! 
And oh, for a grateful and loving heart more tuned to praise 
God /or his word, and in his word ! I have abundant reason 
for thankfulness for the opening of the Scripture- wells of salva- 
tion, and for help in drawing living waters out of them, — now, 
that I am almost totally deprived of the public ordinances : 
and though all around me I hear the enlivening ' sound of the 
church-going bell,' — at which my heart used to leap for joy, — 
I cannot now obey its summons ; nor even reach a few yards 
across the road to those sacred doors, into which, on the Sab- 
bath day, I see, from my windows, my friends and neighbors 
entering ! This is, blessed be the Lord 1 my dispensation, and 
not my neglect ; and if the brook is stopped, the fountain is 
ever open, and ever flowing. Yes ! blessed be Ilim who hath 
said, — and yet doth say, — ' Whosoever drinketh of the water 
that I shall give him, shall never thirst ; but the water that I 
shall give him, shall be in him, a well of water springing up into 
everlasting life.' 

" Let us not, therefore, my valued friend, think that we shall 
faint by the way, because the streams of the sanctuary are not 
within our reach, — so long as the Holy Spirit, and the sacred 
Scriptures, and a throne of grace, are made sure unto us, — and 
while ours is ' the everlasting covenant, ordered in all things 
and sure ;' which is all our salvation, and all our desire." 

In the next extract from a letter, dated June, 1824, ad- 
dressed to Mrs. Y , she laments the removal of a young 

friend, whose affectionate attentions had much contributed to 
her comfort. The severe family affliction which occasioned 
this removal, led to some remarks on the mysterious nature of 
the Divine providence, — a subject which must ever be inscrutable 
to a finite creature. « ( How little a portion,' says Job, ' is 
heard of Him !' ' His ways are unsearchable and past finding 
out !' Every true Christian will contemplate the mysteries of 
God's providence, — all the wheels of which are moved by his 
eternal counsels, — with holy reverence : not vainly prying into 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 181'? TO 1828. 301 

this ark of his presence, but resting in quiet repose and adoring 
gratitude, ' under the shadow of the Almighty.' " 

"In parting with my friend, Miss De C ," says Mrs. 

Hawkes, "I felt as though I was parting with an affectionate 
and pious daughter ; and greatly shall I miss her kind atten- 
tions, and Christian conversation. She left Pentonville almost 
broken-hearted, and so did her afflicted mother. I have sel- 
dom known to fall on any friend, such an accumulation of 
weighty trouble, as upon these, my sorrowful neighbors. How 
often does the extraordinary and mysterious providence of God 
say to our wondering perplexities, under trial and sorrow, ' My 
thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my 
ways !' And how strengthening and delightful is it to the 
painfully exercised Christian, when, his faith being strong, he 
can from the heart say, ' It is the Lord, let Him do what seem- 
eth Him good ;' and blessed be his name, his grace has made 
me 'as a weaned child, as a child weaned of his mother.' Alas ! 
so backward is our wretched nature to learn this high lesson 
of entire resignation, that few of God's dearest children have 
reason to be satisfied as to their attainments therein. If in one 
time of trial we seem to have learned it, another occasion will 
soon arise to show, and make us feel that we have a will and a 
choice of our own, which is not yet brought into subjection : — 
while we yet know, that in proportion as we are enabled to say,' 
'Thy will, and not mine, be done,' our peace and comfort 
abound in the most trying circumstances. Blessed be Him who 
hath said, ' My grace is sufficient for thee,' — 'Sufficient to fulfil 
all the good pleasure of his goodness, and the work of faith with 
power, — sufficient to uphold us in all the changing conflicts 
and combats with our spiritual enemies : — and to make us 
more than conquerors over every opposing force. 

" ' A feeble saint shall win the day 

Though death and hell obstruct the way.' 

" Oh for that unstaggering faith, that hopeth against hope, 
relies on Omnipotent power, and is enabled to ' come up from 
the wilderness leaning upon the Beloved.' " 

All that remains belonging to this year, is a touching solilo- 
quy, written by Mrs. Hawkes on her birth-day : — 

Oct 13, 1824.— '"Why art thou cast down, O my soul?' 
when the speedy return of every birth-day should make thee 
glad that thou art one year nearer to the haven of rest, where 



302 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

thou hast so long desired to be. Has any new thing happened 
unto thee ? Anything that is not common to old age : — com- 
mon for an afflicted pilgrim, with a vile body of sin and death, 
to encounter and endure ? Art thou not content to bear the 
breakings down of nature, with the drying up of its springs ; — 
and to walk through the valley and shadow of death, as those 
with whom, in former times, thou hast had sweet society, — 
even when health and vigor were decayed : and when with tot- 
tering steps, and many a groan, they waited for that deliver- 
ance which they have now obtained ? Dost thou expect that a 
new way is to be made for thee, instead of the royal way or- 
dained for all piigrims to the holy city ? Look at thy dear rel- 
atives, — mother, — brother, — sisters, — and others. Look at thy 
honored, beloved minister, and father in the gospel, — whose 
more than usual strength and vigor of mental faculties were re- 
duced to infantile feebleness! Look at , at ; and 

say again with shame and chiding, ' Why art thou cast down, 
O my soul ? hope thou in God, for I shall yet praise Him, who 
is the health of my countenance and my God.' 

" Where is the father, the husband, the brother, the sister, 
or the friend, — worthy of such endearing names, — who, when 
the object of their affection is laid on a bed of sickness, and dis- 
abled from the performance of those relative duties which be- 
long to health, — will not show more love, more sympathy, more 
tender attention towards them, because they are sick and dis- 
abled ? And how are their hearts grieved, when the dear suf- 
ferer lies weeping, sorrowing, because they are no longer able 
to execute their former duties and services. Inquire then, 
' What thinkest thou of Christ.' What of His love aud com- 
passion ?" 

In January, 1825, Mrs. Hawkes addresses her friend Mrs. 

Y , recently recovered from a dangerous illness. In the 

portion of her letter which has been selected for insertion, she 
enlarges on that simplicity of faith, which leads to the assurance 
of hope, and to a settled peace and joy in believing, springing 
from free and sovereign grace. 

" As respects yourself, my dear madam, I am happy to hear 
that the blessed and merciful Lord, whom you love and serve, 
has dealt bountifully with you in his rich grace, and plentiful 
goodness, and made all your bed in your sickness, — praised be 
his name ! May your faith and hope be greatly enlarged, to 
believe with an assured confidence, that the same Triune Lord 
will uphold, comfort, and keep you even to the end ; and though 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 303 

you may yet have fears, and soul-conflicts, for ' The trial of 
your faith, which is more precious than gold,' — yet the white 
robe, and the glorious crown of salvation, is sure, because it is 
' reserved ;' yes ! thanks be to sovereign and free grace and 
mercy ! it is surely ' reserved in heaven,' for them that believe. 
Yes, let us sing with all the redeemed in earth and heaven, the 
promise is to them that believe, — not to such as are perfect in 
holiness, though they desire it. Nor need such as are cast 
down, and have misgivings because of the coldness of their 
hearts — their short-comings — their every-day failures — their 
fresh contracted stains from continual infirmities, and the war- 
rings of the flesh against the spirit — have any reason to fear 
the loss of their wondrously-purchased crown : for it is reserved 
for all that believe in Christ and are his sheep. I am more 
and more persuaded, my dear madam, that our establishment 
in faith, peace, and comfort, is in proportion as we simply look 
to Jesus, and keep clinging to the foot of the blessed cross ; 
taking, as fast as they arise, our fears, — temptations — every 
failure in our spiritual course — our weakness, ignorance, and 
wants, — and there spreading them before Him ; there receiving 
fresh application of the blood of sprinkling on our sick and 
stained souls ; and there losing our whole selves in Him. Say- 
ing to every accusation which conscience or Satan brings against 
us, however true : — 

' Thou shalt answer, Lord, for me.' 

Who, in his own good time, will give an answer of peace ; 
silence all our accusers, and make us savingly to believe, that 
' The blood of Jesus Christ cleanseth from all sin ;' and that 
' nothing shall separate us from the love of Christ.' 

" I should like to indulge myself in relating to you, who 
kindly take an interest in an unworthy sister pilgrim, the deal- 
ings of the Lord with me. Graciously and tenderly hath He 
dealt with me, for his own name's sake. I have again been 
brought, (as was thought by myself and others,) to the eve of 
my departure ; and, blessed be the same gracious Saviour ! was 
brought thereto in peace. But instead of an entrance into rest, 
it hath seemed the good pleasure of Him that doth all things 
well, that I should remain a little longer in restlessness, suffer- 
ing and trial. Pray for me, my dear madam, that the will of 
the Lord may be done in and by me : and his holy design 
therein be fully accomplished : and that in all things I may say, 
1 blessed be the Lord, for he is plenteous in mercy, and a very 
present help in time of trouble.' " 



304 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

In the summer of this year, Mrs. Hawkes had a pressing in- 
vitation from some very valued friends in Buckinghamshire, to 
remove into the country, and pass her remaining days near to 
them, in a house of their providing. The following is an ex- 
tract from her letter in reply : — 

" My heart loves and thanks you ; and will ever hope to 
pray, that the reward of your affectionate desires and intentions 
towards me, may be equally the same as if I were in the full 
enjoyment of them. But were you to see me now, my dearest 
friend, not merely for an hour or two, but through day after 
clay, and night after night, of pain and weakness, you would not 
say, Why will you not come and put yourself under our foster- 
ing wings, for the remainder of your sinking years ? Delight- 
ful idea ! but uttered with a silent and tender sigh, — No, it can- 
not be ! Moreover, I should consider it an act of injustice, and 
absolute selfishness, to burden my dear friends, when I am past 
contributing anything to them, but care and anxiety. My sa- 
cred harp is not, I am thankful to say, hung upon the willows ; 
but it can only vibrate inwardly. My touch is become too fee- 
ble to bring out its sounds to gladden other ears. I am much 
in the contemplation of how necessarily solitary is the greater 
part of the Christian walk ; and, especially, when entering into 
the valley and shadow of death. How unspeakable is the 
mercy, when the heart and the flesh fail, to find that indeed, 
and in truth, God is the strength of the heart, and its portion 
forever ! How refreshing to drink of the Living Fountain, 
when nature's springs are failing ! May we each, my beloved 
friend, keep closer and closer to this sacred Fountain." 

The year 1826, supplies only two private memorandums. 
The first, written on the eve of leaving. Highgate, where Mrs. 
Hawkes had taken a lodging for a few months ; and the second, 
at the close of the year. 

Sept. 1826. Highgate Common. — "What singular trials, 
and what distinguished mercies, have I experienced during my 
abode in this place ! 

" Visited with a dangerous illness ; alarmed at the illness of 
my servant ; * afraid, because among strangers, and at a distance 
from friends, and from my usual medical aid ; distressed also on 

* A servant who had been with Mrs. Hawkes fifteen years at the time 
of writing this, — and who remained with her as long as she lived. — Ed. 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 305 

account of the illness of my dear niece, who is my essential at- 
tendant and helper. 

" Now, let me mark also my mercies and favors : — 
" A mind kept, through grace, in entire peace ; faith given 
to rest in the blessed Saviour's care, as a child in the arms of 
its mother ; waiting for the solemn command, to depart hence, 
and to enter a land of pure delight ; with a vivid view and deep 
sense of the free grace and mercy by which alone such a 
sinner — ah ! such a sinful worm ! — could obtain a heavenly in- 
heritance. 

" Now again, however, the time of departure seems to re- 
cede ; — 

1 Let me not murmur at my stay, 
Nor wish my sufferings less.' 

" Mark also providential mercies : — 

" Accommodated in a quiet and roomy house, in a beautiful 
and healthy situation ; visited in a most friendly manner, by a 
kind medical friend, hitherto a stranger, but now a friend in 
need ; joined by my dearest daughter, C, * who came to dwell 
near me, and who was unto me, in all respects, as the best of 
daughters ; comforted by the frequent attentions of my kind 

niece ; favored with extraordinary kindness from Mrs. P s ; 

benefited by visiting a dear afflicted saint, Miss W d ; 

visited by my revered, and beloved friend, Dr. Fearon, who no 
sooner heard of my wish to see him, than with that instant 
readiness which is one of the truest marks of sincere friend- 
ship, he travelled many miles, and, in a few hours, arrived in 
town to my great comfort. Surely, I cannot be sufficiently thank- 
ful for such a friend, — the unchanging friend of many years ; 
may his unwearied kindness be recompensed a hundred-fold !" 

Dec. 31, 1826. — "Last hour of the departing year! Oh 
that my enumerations, and confessions, and sorrow for the sins 
and infirmities, and short-comings of the past year, (which are more 
than I can number,) — may not be despised of thee, Lord, my 
heavenly Father ! ' The sacrifices of a broken and contrite heart, 
O God, thou wilt not despise.' Let such be the sacrifices of my 
heart at all times. In mercy hear, and accept, my groan- 
ings : and also my poor sacrifices of praise and thanksgiving 
for unnumbered mercies; which with shame-facedness, but 
according to my poor feeble faith, I bring, and lay on that 
Golden xlltar, which purifies and sanctifies every gift ; even that 
of the meanest, weakest, and vilest worm, who, renouncing every 
other plea and hope for mercy, pleadeth the all-prevailing name 
* A friend. Mrs. Hawkes never had any children. 



306 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

of Jesus ; and resteth in his atoning sacrifice, righteousness, in- 
tercession, and full salvation. 

" ' I nothing want or plead beside, 
But Jesus, and him crucified !' " 

Monday, Jan. 1, 1827. — First hour of the new year. 

" ' In age and feebleness extreme, 
"Who shall a helpless worm redeem ? 
Jesus, my only hope thou art, 
Strength of my failing flesh and heart ! 
let me catch a smile from thee, 
And drop into eternity' 

" I am indeed a wonder to myself, that I should be brought 
out of so many deaths, and enter on another year, with little 
more than a life of death. 

" Complainest thou, my soul, of thy long imprisonment, — of 
thy continued disappointment of escape from thy narrow, irk- 
some cage ? Faintest thou because thy labor is not over, nor 
the battle won ? Rather humble thyself, and put thy mouth in 
the dust, that with all that has been done for thee, thou hast 
done so little thyself towards obtaining a meetness for thy heav- 
enly inheritance. Were the corn fully ripe, it would be gath- 
ered into the garner. Thou art not ripened. Besides, were 
there no other reason why thou shouldst wait patiently, it is 
enough that it is the will and good pleasure of thy heavenly 
Father. Hast thou no obligations to Him, (whose thou art by 
creation, redemption, adoption, preservation,) for mercies, tem- 
poral and spiritual, through a whole life ? Gird up the loins of 
thy mind, and say, ' What shall I render unto the Lord 
for all his benefits V Nothing canst thou render in a way of 
merit ; but everything in doing and suffering according to His 
will." 

A memorandum written in the month of July, is the next 
trace we meet of Mrs. Hawkes' Christian experience. 

July 2, 1827. — " 'In me ye shall have peace.' When I re- 
view my sins of childhood, and unto old age, I wonder that I 
ever have any peace. When by faith I look to Jesus, his all- 
atoning sacrifice, righteousness, and intercession, I wonder that 
my peace should ever be broken. 

" Sweet is that emblem of the Saviour, 'And Jacob saw a lad- 
der set upon the earth, whose top reached to heaven,' Gen. xxviii. 
12. O my soul, continually ascend this sacred ladder, and re- 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 307 

ceive the richest favors of grace and mercy : and descend, with 
humble gratitude, to make holy merchandise for the increase of 
thy own spiritual life and growth, and for the benefit of thy fel- 
low-pilgrims ; and also for the glorifying of thy Father which is 
in heaven. Otherwise thy gained gold will become polluted, 
and changed into dross." 

The deeply spiritual emanations of Mrs. Hawkes' mind, to- 
gether with her clear views of Divine truth, — in combination 
with the strength of her native powers, gave her an unusual 
capability of instructing others in Divine things ; especially the 
young, towards whom she felt strong attachment. About this 
time her affectionate solicitude was drawn forth, in no common 
degree, towards some young relatives. Early deprived of their 
valuable mother, the maternal duties had been well supplied by 
an excellent aunt. It pleased God to visit this exemplary Chris- 
tian with much bodily affliction, and finally to take her to him- 
self, in the year 1827.* Mrs. Hawkes now felt an additional 
interest in these amiable relatives, and endeavored to become to 
them a " Mentor," as far as her infirmities would allow. These 
young ladies, (the Misses Milward,) have kindly supplied some 
letters for this Memoir, and also the following notes of a part- 
ing address, made to them by Mrs. Hawkes in conversation, in 
the month of August, 1827, previous to their excursion to the 
Isle of Wight. 

" I have thought much of you. My imagination is always at 
work. I can fancy you in that sweet Niton, in rapture with the 
scenery ; but do not stop there : let the surrounding beauties 
lead you to their Author. I could wish myself with you, seated 
on that beautiful rock, talking of your dear departed aunt ; and 
above all, leading you to higher subjects. Before you go out 
each day, seek, each one for yourselves, the Divine protection in 
earnest prayer. Do not rest satisfied with the act of saying a 
prayer, but when you have finished, ask yourselves, Have I really 
prayed ? Has the Holy Spirit touched my heart ? Has it been 
softened ? Five words only, in this spirit, will be accepted. My 
dear young Mends, be decided. There are two kinds of religion : 
— One, that will make a very fair show, and appear very amia- 
ble to men, but which will fail in the hour of trial. Its fault is, 
that it does not go deep enough ; it does not touch the heart. 
God says, ' My son, give me thy heart.' If he does but see that 
you give him your heart and affections, it is all that he desires. 
Your heart being resigned to him, all will be well ; and he will 

l * See an allusion to this lady, p. 148. 



308 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

not be strict to mark failings and imperfections. Never rest till 
you love your Saviour. It is easy to talk of love to him, but 
you must feel it ; yo\x must love him more than the dearest 
earthly object. Oh ! the peace that arises from love to the Sa- 
viour ! Not a wave of trouble rolls across that peaceful breast, 
in which such love dwells. Oh ! the comfort of such a friend 
on a dying bed ! The tender care of a friend or parent is most 
felt in the deepest affliction. Our heavenly Father has many 
ways of comforting his children : not by removing their pain, 
for that may be good for them, — but by sweet texts of Scrip- 
ture, and delightful communion with himself. Be decided ; be 
firm : enjoy the good things allotted to you by Providence, but 
do not rest your affections on them, nor say, This will make me 
great or admired. In your intercourse with worldly people, be 
polite and sociable, regard them as amiable citizens of this lower 
world ; but have nothing to do with their merchandise, their 
pleasures, or their pursuits ; form no friendships, encourage no 
familiarity with them. Say to your soul, enter not thou into 
their counsels, but let thy converse be with the excellent of the 
earth. Remember you must each travel to heaven alone. You 
may, at different periods, animate each other ; but there is much 
in this work that can only be done by yourselves. When your 
lamps grow dim, hasten to trim them, and procure a fresh sup- 
ply of oil. Remember you are to be the 'Wise virgins.' I 
have often prayed for you when attending the ordinances at St. 
John's Chapel. It was my spiritual birth-place; and often 
have I exclaimed, Lord, grant it may be such to my dear young 
friends and relatives ; to their dear father and brother ! How 
have I wept there, in former years ! and rejoiced that the pews 
were so high that I could hide my excessive weeping ; so great 
was my fear that I did not love my Saviour. I had been trifling 
with religion many years. My head will not allow me to say 
more at present. Farewell, if we should not meet again on 
earth, see that we meet in heaven ; see that you meet me, and 
your aunt, in heaven." 

In the same strain of piety and affection, Mrs. Hawkes writes 
to her young friends while at Niton : — 

" I much wished for the pleasure of holding a long conver- 
sation with you on paper ; but my generally failing strength, 
and trembling hand, have hitherto impeded, and do still im- 
pede, the comfortable movement of my pen. I have had two 
or three returns of painful illness, since I had the pleasure of 
receiving your very gratifying letter ; and I find that my late 
attack has given such a real shake to my before feeble frame, 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 309 

as will not soon, if ever be recovered. Yet I am undoubtedly 
convalescent ; and should no relapse take place, you may per- 
haps find me, on your return, as well as usual. Sure I am, 
that while by the Divine will and appointment my life is con- 
tinued, you will find me, as ever, your affectionate, deeply in- 
terested, and sincere friend. Truly do I lament, that I cannot 
do all I wish in every possible way of benefit and comfort to 
you, and each one of your kind family. When you so ten- 
derly and sweetly took leave of me, — with little expectation to 
either of us of meeting again on this side of Jordan's banks, — 
my recollections of our long intimacy, of past occurrences, of 
your constant friendship and kind attentions, and your too 
much sorrow and unwillingness to death's separating stroke, — 
filled my mind with strong and tender emotions, and increasing 
attachment ; and with sincere self-reprach, that I had been 
sinfully wanting in my endeavors to be more useful to you, 
in mental and spiritual communications. Ardently do I pray, 
that our future intercourse may be made, by help from above, 
more profitable ; and more mutually confidential and unre- 
served. With truth and affection I can affirm, that the real 
welfare and happiness of you all, lie deeply and constantly near 
my heart, and greatly occupy my thoughts. 

"I am entertained, and much delighted, my dear S., with, 
all I hear of your adventures. The surrounding wonders, 
grand and beautiful, which you are exploring, while they de- 
light the eye, are equally calculated to expand the mind, and 
fill it with elevating and instructive contemplations and reflec- 
tions. 

" The picturesque little church you mention, was one of the 
objects which, together with the surrounding scenery, your 
dear aunt and myself greatly admired ; and also the Slip ; 
with several other places which I have not time to mention. 
But our most favorite haunts were about East and West 
Cowes, and Ryde. Many pleasures did we mutually enjoy in 
that sweet spot ; and also at Portsea. Dear, departed friend ! 
Though thou hast left me to struggle a little longer on this con- 
flicting shore, yet I rejoice in thy emancipation ! Thou art now 
beholding that glory that completely obscures all the splendor 
of this poor world ! and art drinking of those pleasures, in com- 
parison of which all others are but as draughts of bitterness ! I 
shall soon reunite with thy sister spirit, never more to be sepa- 
rated ; and while lingering here below, I will endeavor to prove 
my love to thy dear memory in that way, in which, could I hear 
thy voice from heaven, I know thou wouldst most pathetically 
request, in accents similar to these : — Be not, my old friend, 



310 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

content to prepare for, and anticipate your own happy rejoining 
me in the mansions of bliss ; but exert every nerve, make every 
diligent effort to bring on these dear relatives, (to whom my 
whole time, care, and prayers were unceasingly devoted,) as far, 
and as securely ' in the narrow way,' as may lie in your power. 
That will, in the end, unite them to us again. May the blessed 
Saviour bestow on me wisdom and grace to fulfil this request 
and desire of the beloved saint ! and dispose of each of your 
hearts to the same object, and noble aim." 

FROM THE SAME TO MISS M. A. MILWARD. 

" The sweet expressions of regard in your kind letters from 
Niton, can but prove highly gratifying to my feelings ; yet, I 
confess, that some pain mingles with my pleasure, while I read 
them; which originates in a consciousness, that your affec- 
tionate estimation of my friendship, vastly surpasses my poor 
deservings ; not indeed as to the feelings and wishes of my 
heart, but as respects the exertions which such feelings and 
wishes ought to have produced, as the best evidence of my 
love and interest towards you. I trust, however, that the near 
prospect I have had of a separation from you by death, and 
the self-reproach I have felt for being an unfaithful friend, — 
together with prayer, and hope of amendment, — will, by Divine 
help, enable us to find more comfort and benefit in our future 
social intercourse ; and that as it regards myself, I shall not 
fall so far short of the just claims you have upon me. Yet I 
shrink when I consider what is implied in the term, a confi- 
dential friend ! To a conscientious and reflective mind, it im- 
plies and enforces a serious engagement, especially in an elder, 
to point out any important, observed error, failing, or mistake 
in judgment, spirit, or conduct ; unfettered by the reluctance 
to give pain, or the fear of offending ; together with an earnest 
recommendation of the right line, — how contrary and irksome 
soever it may prove to the natural inclination, preconceived 
opinion, or former habits. All this, and much more, is surely 
the bounden duty of a faithful friend. Believe me, my dear 
Mary Anne, nothing less than the strongest affection and inter- 
est, the most unbounded benevolence of mind, — the strictest 
and most active principle of Christian integrity, — together with 
the encouraging stimulus afforded by a willing and pleased re- 
cipiency of such communications, — can ever overcome the re- 
luctancy of a feeling mind to the discharge of a task so painful, 
and too often, thankless. Over-sensitiveness, and the fear of 
being thought indelicate and obtrusive, too often puts to silence 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 311 

the voice of duty. You must therefore expect still to find Hie, 
not a faithless, but a failing friend. To guard, as much as 
possible, against future loss of profitable intercourse, I wish we 
could make some practicable, well-formed plan by which our 
meeting together might be rendered more advantageous. Your 
many and increasing occupations and engagements, have pre- 
vented any regular and fixed visits. A mere flying call is un- 
suitable to anything but cursory chit-chat, which is not the 
whole design of friendly intercourse. I am well aware of 
many difficulties and impediments that must arise and oppose 
our wishes to form a regular plan of meeting together : but I 
propose the idea for your deliberation. A large and rich field 
of intellectual, religious, and general subjects, — together with 
interesting reading, — will pleasantly fill up as much time as 
we can secure. Yet, alas ! I am forgettino; that I am old and 
feeble ; and shall often fail, not in inclination, but in strength 
and capability. 

" The interesting accounts of all that you are in the pleasing 
enjoyment of in the Island, transports me, in mind and asso- 
ciation, in sweet companionship with you in your lovely re- 
treat, and in your rambles and adventures ; and will furnish 
much pleasure in the retrospect, and in the communication, 
when you return home. I quite anticipate your home-pleas- 
ures and Sunday privileges, which you will re-taste with new 
delight, and I trust with increased benefit ; for this should be 
the end proposed in all our pleasures." 

FROM THE SAME TO MISS C. MILWARD. 

" Your prompt compliance with my request contained in 
your sister's letter, was kind, and very gratifying to me, and I 
sincerely thank you. It also leads me to hope for a more in- 
terior and unreserved intimacy with you, than has been hith- 
erto formed between us ; and which has been prevented by 
your absence from home, and other accidental circumstances. 
With general society, persons who know anything of this cold 
deceitful world, will not desire much acquaintance ; while in- 
tercourse with select and valuable friends will be esteemed and 
cultivated. Next to the enjoyment of heavenly communion, I 
have ever considered communion with congenial and mutually 
attached minds, one of the sweetest cordials that is to be ob- 
tained in this poor world ; where, alas ! shadow instead of sub- 
stance everywhere presents itself, in all sorts of delusive forms I 
I hope that my young friend will be one of the favored few, 
who are sufficiently persuaded of this sad report of a sad world, 



312 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

from the testimony of the Bible ; — and from facts, that those 
who have tried it, have to record and relate, — without being 
taught it from painful experience. Of what mistake and false- 
hood are those persons guilty, who assert, that religion produces 
a gloomy mind ; and that it requires the sacrifice of the pleas- 
ures of life ! When none but the Christian can, rationally, be 
gay at heart. Others may be outwardly gay and smiling, be- 
cause thoughtlessness and dissipation drive away reflection : but 
let sickness or trouble overtake the votaries of pleasure, or let 
them be reduced to solitude, — and where then is their gayety ? 
Even in the midst of all the splendid spots of which you give me 
so pleasing a description, or in any other which could be ima- 
gined, — the very idea of being doomed for a whole life, or for 
several years only, to be quite alone, is sufficiently depressing 
to convince us at once of the unsatisfying nature of ' the things 
which are seen.' This I perceive dear Mary Anne has discov- 
ered, by her excellent remark on the solitariness of Mount 
Cleves. 

" I am glad your prejudice concerning Mr. , is removed 

by reading his life. With other benefits gained from so excel- 
lent a record, you will also obtain a very important lesson for 
future use, namely, not to suffer your mind to be prejudiced or 
biased concerning any character, whether living or dead, by 
hear-say, or by mere impression, or by appearance only. 
Through life we shall have to say to ourselves, * Judge not by 
the outward appearance ;' decide not without close investiga- 
tion ; and neither praise nor censure but from examination." 

Two private extracts remain, belonging to the year 182 7. 
The first, a memorandum written by Mrs. Hawkes on her 
birth-day ; which, though unfinished, may suggest some heads 
for profitable self-examination ; — with another written at the 
close of the year, in the form of a prayer. 

Oct. 13, 1827. — " After another year of increased feebleness 
and suffering with a burdened weary body brought nigh unto 
death by fresh attacks of disease ; together with also some pe- 
culiar spiritual mercies ; I would ask my soul what is the re- 
cord of this anniversary birth-day ? What the request ? What 
the confession? What the praise and thanksgiving? First, 
what the record ? 

Dec. 31, 1827. — "Adored, and most gracious Lord and Sa- 
viour ! with unfeigned humility and thanksgiving do I ac- 
knowledge thy free grace and mercy, in having vouchsafed to 
me the aid of thy blessed Spirit, to help my many infirmities 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 181 1 TO 1828. 313 

in prayer and supplication this morning. Powerfully lias my 
heart been drawn near unto a throne of grace, and has been 
poured out before Thee. Graciously has thine hand of mercy, 
and love, replenished my soul with precious applications of 
pardons and promises, given, for thine own name's sake, to 
me the chief of sinners. And now, O thou that givest liberally 
and upbraidest not, (much as I deserve the severest upbraid- 
ings,) unto Thee, and under the shadow of thy wings, does my 
soul flee with the favors and blessings which thou hast given, 
to preserve them unto me ; that neither Satan nor sin, those 
robbers of my soul's best treasure, may take away what thou 
hast been pleased to give. Keep, Lord, that which I hum- 
bly commit unto thee : keep me from that foul spirit who is 
ever most vigilant when the soul is most enriched ; and either 
takes away its jewels, or infuses pride, and self-righteousness, 
and self-complacency, to poison and despoil. 

"'Here I raise my Ebenezer, 
Hither by thy help I'm come ; 
And I trust, by thy good pleasure, 
Safely to arrive at home.' " 

With evidently feeble and trembling hand, the following two 
lines are added at the early dawn of the new year : — 

Jan. 1st, 1828. One o'clock in the morning. 

" Hear, Ohear my supplication ! 
Make my heart thy habitation." 

Mrs. Hawkes had now been nearly twelve years in the same 
apartments at Queen's Row, Pentonville. But it became ne- 
cessary that she should remove at Midsummer ; which, in her 
critical state of health, and rather straitened circumstances, natu- 
rally occasioned her some anxiety and perplexity. She had in- 
deed, from her friends in Buckinghamshire, renewed and urgent 
entreaties to come and reside near them, with entire emancipa- 
tion from expense. How attractive soever such kind friendship 
might seem, Mrs. Hawkes felt unable to avail herself of the 
offer. She thought it right to continue in the midst of her 
numerous friends in town. She was, moreover, deeply sensible 
that few could be fully aware of her infirm and suffering state : 
and true it was, that under all the effects of disease, the look 
of health, and the smile of serenity and cheerfulness, ever rested 
on her countenance, — till within a short time of her death ; 
so that when lying on her couch, and in lively conversation 
with her friends, her increased size alone marked her as an in- 
valid. The preservation of a measure of general health in the 

14 



314 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

midst of local disease, might, under the divine blessing, be at- 
tributed — partly to her fine constitution, — and partly to, (what 
in her circumstances might be called,) the very self-denying 
use of all the means generally conducive to bodily vigor. In 
reply to the kind offers of her valued friends, she urges the im- 
pediment presented by her infirmities ; as well as her want of 
certainty, that a removal from town was the path marked out 
to her by Providence. 

" My state of health," she writes, " and way of living, is only 
known to such as reside with me ; for to occasional visitors, lit- 
tle, comparatively, of my feebleness and suffering is perceptible, 
— because my spirits are generally good, and my looks do not 
much vary. To myself, however, it is past all doubt that, as 
Herbert says, — 

' Death is still working like a mole, 
And digs my grave at each remove,' 

■ — that ' the night is far spent, and the day is at hand.' Solemn, 
and longed-for day, that shall have no more clouds ! * * 
* * Dearly should I love to see you ; but I fear I must 
not indulge the hope of such a pleasure. I feel it truly grati- 
fying that my beloved friends do not give up their kind wish 
that I should be a sojourner at Emberton, which will ever pre- 
sent to me many almost irresistible attractions. All that has 
been wanting to my willing mind, was a warrant with an in- 
disputable signature thereto affixed. In my changing life, I 
have many times found it no small exercise of faith and patience, 
to have roads placed before me, without a ray of light to mark 
which was the right. All I can hope is, that I am where a 
gracious Providence has cast my lot. I cannot say I have no 
longing, but I have certainly now no debatings, concerning fu- 
ture movements ; my last remove is at hand ; it is always in 
my thoughts : and through mercy in my peaceful expectation. 
I should delight to talk with you, my beloved friend, of all that 
passed in my mind and feelings since we used to have sweet 
converse together; and to receive your interesing detail to the 
same effect. But if one of our sacred poets be correct as he is 
elegant, we may hope to meet, 

' Where on a green and flowery mount, 
Our willing souls shall sit ; 
And with increasing joy recount 
The labors of our feet.' 

" Until that happy deliverance of our vile bodies from sin 



CHAP. VIII. FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 315 

and death, let us never forget to pray for each, other ; and, as 
often as we can, exchange a cheering word that may stimulate 
our too-often wearied minds, in pressing forward to gain our 
heavenly prize." 

About the same period she writes to another friend in a sim- 
ilar strain of patient hope. After expressing her regret on ac- 
count of apparent neglect, she goes on to say, — 

" But I must pray for patience with myself, and willingness 
to do nothing, and be nothing ; and to be more lost in adoring 
contemplation of the patience and forbearance of a gracious God 
and Saviour towards me, from day to day. I think, (at least I 
hope,) that I do sink lower and lower in self-abasement, and 
self-abhorrence ; and my prayer is, that this sinking may be 
accompanied with a stronger faith in Christ ; — and that in 
sinking I may rise, and climb ' the Rock that is higher than I.' 
My continuance on earth cannot be long ; — therefore would I 
stand with girded loins, and a burning lamp. Much have I been 
favored of late in the sw r eet drawings of a Saviour's love ; and 
in consequence, much do I long to depart and be with Christ, 
which is far better. But how much longer my suffering state 
may yet be protracted, is best known to Him whose will and 
pleasure it seems to continue me in the body, for the gracious 
purpose of a farther preparation for eternity, — and on account 
of some to whom, through His power, I may be made an in- 
strument of help and benefit. 

" Yes, I am as you say, nearly seventy years of age ! I re- 
ally cannot bear, except in some favored seasons, to look back 
upon my foolish sinful life. But when I am sweetly brought 
to the foot of the cross, in the exercise of penitence, faith and 
love, — when I dare to go minutely over the dreadful catalogue, 
and present it to my Saviour to cross it out, and bear it away, 
never to be heard of more in a way of condemnation. Let me 
excite you, my dear friend, to look more at the Saviour than on 
yourself; it is by losing ourselves in Him that we shall grow 
in every grace, and be transformed into his image. To dwell 
upon what He is in Himself, and what He is to us, and upon 
His stupendous plan of redemption for us, enlarges the heart 
and the understanding, and raises us above this grovelling 
world. 

" I rejoice in your success : but faith must still be your sheet 
anchor, as well as mine, whether we have favors or no favors. 
May it be mightily increased in each of us, together with every 
other grace of the blessed Spirit!" 



316 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

To a clergyman with whom she had held much religious in- 
tercourse, Mrs. Hawkes writes, in the month of June, 1828, as 
follows : — 

" I long for the favor of your sitting quietly by the side of 
my couch, that I might have the delight of hearing you talk of 
things new and old, as you used to do ; and that I might ob- 
tain answers to many questions which sometimes confuse my 
mind. Seldom as I leave my room, save merely for an airing, 
yet reports and rumors of what is passing in the world, (I 
mean the religious world,) reach my ears, and eyes too, in 
print, — such as make me feel the want of a wise interpreter, 
close at hand. Not so much for my own satisfaction, as for 
the sake of many young persons who eagerly come to me, to 
tell them what to believe of floating speculations and theories, 
and what not : while, at the same time, they support their no- 
tions on the authority of such good and established teachers of 
truth, as quite to shut my mouth ; and I cannot help feeling, 
that these (speculations) to say the least of them, are the ' little 
foxes' that are let into the vineyards to ' spoil the tender grapes.' 
I do wish, my revered friend, that you would take up your pen, 
and send forth an alarm and caution to young converts ; for I 
am in full evidence of the mischief that is doing by drawing 
off their minds from heart to head knowledge. Alas ! old as 
I am, and having nothing left to attract or attach my mind to 
earth, — yet because the sinful wretched idol self, is left — I 
find no time to spare for any other object or pursuit, than how 
to keep my lamp burning, in readiness for my Lord's coming : 
and that by daily and hourly seeking to obtain oil from the sa- 
cred and true Olive Tree, and not oil that is doubtful, or adul- 
terated. Ah, we want our dear and revered father Cecil again 
amongst us, to extinguish delusive lights, by boldly holding 
forth the torch of truth ! ' Wilt thou not revive us again V 
needs to be our cry. But so said our beloved father Cecil years 
ago, when he preached upon that text." 

In reference more particularly to her own experience, Mrs. 
Hawkes continues in the same letter : — 

" With deep humiliation and thanksgiving, I trust I may 
venture to say, ' Never less alone, than when alone.' Sweetly 
does the adorable Saviour, who alone can be an ever-present 
friend, invite, and frequently enable me to repose my cares, 
and sorrows, and weariness, and pain, on his breast of tender- 
ness and love, — although the clamors of true and just accusa- 



CHAP. VIII. — FROM A. D. 1817 TO 1828. 317 

tions of conscience, and of Satan himself, strive to affright, and 
give the name of 'presumption to my, I trust, scriptural confi- 
dence. Not one inch dare I stir but on Scripture warrant. 
With that in my feeble hand of faith, and prostrate in self- 
loathing, and self-renunciation, at the foot of the sacred cross, 
— while tears of penitence and love, like those of Mary's, wash 
the feet of our crucified Lord, — I am not afraid of being an 
Antinomian. Nothing but free, sovereign grace, and favor, 
will meet my case, and bring peace to my soul. All the dif- 
ference that I find in myself, after years of trials and experi- 
ence, is, that I see sin, as sin, so dreadful and hateful, that I 
know not where to hide my blushing face ; were it not for the" 
gracious displays of more abounding grace and love, and that 
outstretched hand of mercy, that draws me to hide myself in 
the cleft of the Rock rent for me, the chief of sinners, I 
would sink lower and lower yet, crying out, ' uncleau, unclean,' 
— if also ' I may be found in Him,' clothed in his spotless 
righteousness, and daily more transformed into the mind and 
likeness of Christ. 

u With regard to the dispute respecting assurance, I wish to 
know your thoughts, rather than name my own. I can only 
say, — happy are those who have it legitimately, — and happy 
are those who are seeking it humbly. But neither wise nor 
profitable, nor, as I think, safe and sound, are the discussions 
and arguments upon so sacred a topic. Our honored father 
Cecil used to say, ' Assurance is the daughter of experience.' 
What echo do you give to that, dear sir? One mercy and 
favor I am thankful for, — namely, though clouds sometimes 
arise, I can climb to the ' Rock that is higher than I,' and cry 
out, ' Though -he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.' But this is 
a ' low state,' and ' little faith,' say our disputers, and ' scarcely 
safe.' Well, I shall soon, I trust and expect, gain admittance, 
1 through the blood of the everlasting covenant,' into that king- 
dom of light, where there is no darkness at all.". 



CHAPTER IX. 

HER REMOVAL FROM QUEEN'S ROW, AND SUBSEQUENT 
RESIDENCE IN CROSS STREET, ISLINGTON. 

KBOM A. d. 1828 to 1832. 

Kindness of Mr. B , — Mrs. Hawkes' letters to this friend — Her 

temporary abode at Highgate — Comfortable settlement in Cross 
Street — Letter to a friend harassed by spiritual doubts and fears — 
Her views of the Holy Trinity — Increasing humility — Letter of the 
Rev. John Berridge — Of the Rev. Joseph Milner — Visitation of se- 
vere sickness — Letter to Mrs. Y , in which she notices the death 

of Mrs. Cecil — Letter to a relative on the subject of entering the 
ministry — To Mr. E. T. Jones, on prayer — Letters to the Rev. R. 
Waldo Sibthorp. 

Among those friends who valued Mrs. Hawkes' society, 
there was one, well known for his benevolence and Christian 
character, an old hearer of Mr. Cecil's, and who, by his liberali- 
ties towards his afflicted minister, had occasioned the remark, 
that he and his equally generous partner were like the Mace- 
donians, who, " to their power, and beyond their power, had 
administered to the saints." During the latter years of Mrs. 

Hawkes' life, Mr. B , the friend of whom we are speaking, 

was continually tendering his kind offices, and endeavoring to 
administer to her comfort, — as will appear, by the repeated 
expressions of acknowledgment which occur in her letters to 

Mr. B ; whose ready kindness was now shown by offers 

to assist Mrs. Hawkes in procuring suitable apartments, on her 
being obliged to leave Queen's Row; and to which she replies 
in the following note : — 

" Your kind message, my dear sir, was communicated to 
me by Mrs. Collyer, and has my sincere and grateful thanks. 
If you please, I will request you to render me assistance by 
condescending to allow my good Ann a place in your chaise. 
It will be doing me great service that she may be saved long 
walks, for her strength is much worn away by the weight 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 319 

under which she has, for so many years, put her willing 
shoulder for ray sake. My first inquiry will be at Highgate, 
and my next at Kilburn ; and if at the latter, I will thankfully 
avail myself of your kind help, as you are now residing on the 
spot. That no favorable place of worship will be within my 
reach, is less an obstacle than formerly ; because, were there 
one at the next door, I should be sadly prevented from attend- 
ing. Yet, the being near to a sacred Temple is a pleasure as 
well as pain to a poor prisoner. Soon, however, the disempris- 
oned spirit shall leave its earthly cage, and soar away to that 
blessed city where ' no temple is therein ; for the Lord God 
Almighty, and the Lamb are the Temple of it.' There, I trust 
I shall strike my harp with yours, in songs of loudest praise ! 
And here, also, while pilgrims in this conflicting world, may we 
tune our harps, (unstrung as they often are by sin and sorrow,) 
till our high praises rise higher and higher to him who hath 
loved us. — and who daily manifests his love and care, — till they 
mingle at length with heavenly strains." 

Mrs. Hawkes next notices her departure from Queen's Row, 
to a temporary lodging : — 

Friday, June 27, 1828. — "I am this day leaving Queen's 
Row, after a residence of nearly twelve years I Years filled up 
with many sufferings and troubles ; and also many mercies, and 
gracious soul-enjoyments, — praised be the Lord ! And now I 
am literally going out, I know not whither. But my soul hang- 
eth on the God of Abraham ; He being my Almighty Friend, 
I need not fear : while by an assured faith I can say, ' If my 
earthly house of this tabernacle were dissolved, I have a build- 
ing of God,' — all is well, all is mercy, even though I had not 
where to lay my head." 

From this temporary lodging, she again addressed her friend, 
Mr. B , as follows : — 

" Penton Place, July 19, 1828. 
" My dear sir, 
" When our valued friend, Mr. Hodson, told you I was very 
anxious about lodgings, he told you truth ; I am much more 
so than I ought to be. A stronger faith would rest quietly on 
the everlasting promises. It is not, however, so much about 
country lodgings that I am anxious, as what I shall do for a 
place of more permanency when my little country recess is 
over. I am ashamed that an old pilgrim, who has been with- 
out what may be really called a home for thirty years, should 



320 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

now faint in her journey because no Inn seems at hand, when 
it is absolutely said, ' the Lord will provide.' ' If thou faintest 
in the day of adversity, thy strength is small.' Yes, alas ! my 
strength is small, and my stature in grace is that of a dwarf. 
I am very thankful that you, my most kind friend, remember me 
in your prayers ; may they, by the help of the blessed Spirit, 
be raised to importunity on my behalf. 

" Accept my best thanks for your very nice present. The 
ham was truly as delicate and savory as could be eaten. 
" Your affectionate, and grateful, 

" S. Hawkes." 

By the exertions of Mrs. Hawkes' friends, comfortable lodg- 
ings were obtained for her at Highgate, where she went in the 
month of August, and remained nearly five months. While 
there she wrote the following memorandums : — 

Prospect Buildings, Sept. 1828. — "I would fain 'set me 
up way-marks;' and in sincere humiliation, reverence, and 
gratitude, trace the Lord's dealings with me, (and something 
of my varied experience therein,) during my stay in this pleas- 
ant tent, which I must soon exchange for another. Oh may 
the same Divine hand of love and mercy point out my future 
way ! and lead me, as it hath in great forbearance and com- 
passion ever led me, until my painful changes end in everlast- 
ing rest ! 

" I would fain keep in my remembrance all that I have been 
passing through — especially during the last six or eight months 
— and the gracious instructions, which have, I trust, been im- 
printed on my heart by the Blessed Spirit, who alone teaches 
to profit. If I mistake not, He has vouchsafed to be working 
His own sacred work very powerfully in my soul ; in the way 
of convincing me of sins past, — springing from my corrupt 
nature and deceitful heart,— and of indwelling sin, still pres- 
ent : in the way of tender meltings, self-emptying, and redu- 
cing all that is within me to God ; causing me to cry out, ' O 
wretched creature that lam!' ' Save, Lord, or I perish 1' " 

Oct. 13, 1828. — "This anniversary of my birth-day hath en- 
tered me upon the 7 0th year of my age ! ' I am as a wonder 
unto many,' but most of all to myself, that after so many years 
of sickness, and varied afflictive pressures, life should have at- 
tained to such an age ! Nothing can be more plain than that 
it is the will and good pleasure of the Lord that so it should 
be. May his holy will and purpose in prolonging so unuseful 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 321 

and unworthy a life, be fully answered and accomplished, in a 
full preparation for eternal life ! 

" Some preceding months have been marked with extraor- 
dinary trials and sorrows, in addition to my usual ones, — and 
with corresponding solemnity of mind, and enlarged experi- 
ence. No painter's or poet's touch could delineate my views, 
and feelings, and sentiments, while I have been made to retire 
(if I may so speak) from creature converse, and shut my doors 
about me ; and lay open every inmost thought of my heart, 
under the deepest sense I ever had, of the all-searching eye of 
God upon me ; and of all the sins of my past life, both before, 
and especially after, conversion. Oh ! that I might ever bear 
in remembrance the reflections, the impressions, the tears and 
prayers, the humblings, — and yet the supports and encourage- 
ments, — of these solemn seasons of soul-transactions with God, 
in my depths of trouble ! which can never be known but be- 
tween myself and God. Praised be his name ! unto Him have 
I cried, and he hath heard me, and doth hear, the voice of my 
supplication : and doth in mercy correct me for my profit. He 
hath, as I trust, been teaching me, and sealing me with renew- 
ed sealings of His Holy Spirit, to the farther enlargement, and 
establishment, of faith and hope in Christ, my Lord and Sa- 
viour. My prayer and hope is, that I am entering into this 
year added to my painful pilgrimage, more weaned from earth, 
and from creature comforts and dependencies ; and that I am 
entering, in a larger measure, into a hidden life with Christ in 
God ; — and pressing forward in the exercising myself, by his 
grace, unto all godliness, — until the warfare be ended, and the 
victory be gained, through Jesus Christ, who is my only hope 
of salvation. Death, if I mistake not, is drawing very near to 
me ; my night is far spent ; the day is at hand : — ' Bless the 
Lord, O my soul' " 

While at Highgate, Mrs. Hawkes was not forgetful of her 
young friends and relatives lately mentioned ; but followed 
them by her letters, to Leamington, where they had retired for 
the season. Writing to Miss M. A. Milward, she says : — 

" I have thought of you all, my dear loves, with intense in- 
terest ever since your departure to Leamington ; and in my 
mind, (and purpose when able,) I have written a long letter 
to you, beginning with the inquiry, how my dearest young 
friends were walking through ' vanity fair V for such is this 
world at large, — especially such as are all public rendezvous for 
summer visitors. I have been more anxious, because of the 

14* 



322 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

want of those means of grace with which you are so highly- 
favored in London. It seems, however, that God is teaching 
you by means which are often made more really effective than 
what may be afforded in even the best public teaching. The 
lessons taught by affliction, reach the heart, divested of those 
accompaniments which, through self-love and our nature's frailty, 
are too apt to divert the attention in public ordinances : and 
thus prevent, in no small measure, the arrow of gospel truth from 
penetrating and fixing, so as to become efficacious, and uni- 
versally operative upon the heart and life. My dear young 
friends are not now beginning to learn that true peace and hap- 
piness are not of this world's growth or production : and I 
trust they will, from their present painful dipensation, be more 
and more confirmed in their persuasion of it ; and be led with 
more and more earnestness and determination, to obtain not 
only the approbation, but the personal possession of that treas- 
ure of which nothing can rob them ; and which most discovers 
its superiority and intrinsic value, in times of trouble and af- 
fliction." 

To Miss Milward, after her return from Leamington, Mrs. 
Hawkes writes as follows : — 

" You were each much upon my mind to-day, when engaged 
in my usual early morning exercises. By a better help than 
my own, (for of ourselves we can do nothing,) I was enabled 
to pray fervently that each of my dear young friends, while, 
with gladdened heart, they would this day re-enter their valued 
and loved place of worship, might meet therein a new token 
of special love and grace from Him, who alone can bless them. 
Since, as I trust, my supplications were not of my own dicta- 
ting, it will not, I hope, appear like want of modesty if I en- 
deavor to retrace any part of them, however imperfectly, on 
paper ; and may your own hearts say, Amen ! All-gracious 
Lord, and Saviour ! while according to thy promise, thou art 
present to bless thy true worshippers assembled this day in thy 
house of prayer, vouchsafe to look with tender pity and love on 
my young friends, whom thy kind providence hath brought 
again to the sanctuary, wherein, through thy great mercy, 
Thou hast appointed them a place. O let thy Holy Spirit, in 
an especial manner, new-create their souls ; and by his shining, 
discovering light, show them more sensibly their need of a Sa- 
viour ; and lead them to Him with a true, broken, and con- 
trite heart ; that with saving faith they may surrender and ded- 
icate themselves anew ? body, soul, and spirit, to be entirely 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 323 

the Lord's. give them grace to renounce wholly the pomps 
and vanities of this deceitful world ; and give them such a 
saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, and such love to him, and to 
his blessed word and ordinances, as shall lead them to hate 
and forsake all sin, to walk as children of light in all thy holy 
ways, and to 'count all things as dung and dross,' so that 
living and dying, they ' may win Christ, and be found in him ;' 
that they may not only have the name, to live, but be real par- 
takers of spiritual and eternal life. 

" Such, with many other requests for you all, is the language 
of the heart of, 

" Your obliged and affectionate, 

" Sarah Hawkes." 

"Highgate, Nov. 16, 1828. 

" P. S. Remember, I am longing to see you." 

The following letter to her friend Mr. B , is import- 
ant, as it furnishes an additional declaration of " the testimony 
of a good conscience." Drawn out by a person of unfeigned 
piety to speak upon the subject of her soul's prosperity, she 
with much ingenuous simplicity acknowledges her advance- 
ment in spiritual things. In this letter Mrs. Hawkes refers to 
another of those severe and dangerous attacks of illness, to 
which, besides the burden of her ordinary complaints, she was 
more especially subject towards the close of her life. It is 
pleasing to record her acknowledgment of the seasonable and 
affectionate offerings of Christian love, from one who was care- 
ful not to let his left hand know what his right hand did. 



FROM MRS. HAWKES TO MR. B- 



u Nov. 1828. 
" My dear sir, 
* l I have this day, together with your usual kind supply of 
good things, received your demand for my long-promised 
letter ; which, though not worth sending, shall be forthcoming, 
just as it is, as a proof of my obedience to your request. I 
confess I am not so willing to obey your very strict prohibitions 
against acknowledging your many kind favors. I can truly 
say, I have not expressed anything at all adequate to convey 
my grateful feelings for your Christian friendship and remem- 
brance of one whom you consider to be of the household of faith. 
Alas ! how unworthy a member, can only be known to myself! 
and to Him, who nevertheless does not, as I deserve, cast me 
out of his blessed family. However, I pray you, my dear 
friend, to remember that though it is written, ' it is more bless- 



324 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

ed to give than receive,' yet the receiver may surely have the 
gratification of returning thanks to the giver ; which is but a 
poor return, or rather no return at all for what is received. I 
will, notwithstanding, try to bear in mind your prohibition, so 
as not to wound so refined and generous a feeling as is thereby 
portrayed. 

" I am thankful to an ever-faithful and gracious God, that I 
can answer your kind inquiries concerning my best welfare, by 
bearing such an humble testimony to the Lord's great good- 
ness and mercy towards me, as will, I am sine, dispose your 
heart to unite with mine in a song of praise. The adorable 
Saviour has vouchsafed so to manifest himself, according to his 
blessed promise, and to draw me so nigh unto himself during 
my late serious illness, as led me to expect and anticipate that 
he was about to take his ransomed one home : far away from 
this world of sin and sorrow, and from this vile body of sin and 
death. But the removal of the attack, together with some small 
measure of renewed strength, seems to signify that it is His 
holy will that my painful warfare should continue a little longer. 
Pray for me, my dear and valued friend, as I do for myself* 
that all that is within me may say, ' Lord I not as I will, but 
as thou wilt.' 'The cup which my Father hath given me, 
shall I not drink it V But the power of all-sufficient grace 
alone can make me willing to endure, as long as he is pleased 
to appoint. During some passing months, I have been under 
very deep trial ; for that is a trial which is made so at the 
time it is sent, of what sort soever it may be. That may prove a 
heavy, heart-sickening trouble at one time, which, on the retro- 
spect, may make us wonder we could feel so much about it. 
When, however, a trial is sent from God, it is sent to prove and 
try what is in the heart ; and it shall not be sent in vain. I 
greatly desire that I may retain in my remembrance, as long as 
I live, the discoveries that have been made to me, and that yet 
continue to be made, concerning my vile and loathsome self; 
most of all since my profession of faith, and the manifestation of 
the abounding, — yes, more abounding ! grace, compassion, and 
love of God in Christ, to such a hell-deserving sinner. Ah ! 
there are heights, and depths, and lengths, and breadths in both, 
which the Holy Spirit alone can reveal ; and which I believe 
can only be known in the sober, solemn night of affliction. 
Therefore I do join my testimony to that of David's ' It is good 
for me that I have been afflicted.' And I desire to be made 
willing that my affliction should continue as long as a faithful 
soul-healing God should see it needful ; although at times, heart 
and flesh seem ready to faint and fail. 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 325 

" I hope when I return to town, that we shall have opportu- 
nities of conversing on the best things, and talk of all our mer- 
cies. I should be half inclined to settle in some milder and 
less exposed spot in Highgate, were it not that the distance would 
separate me so much from the society of dear friends, who could 
seldom visit me here. In younger years I delighted in seclu- 
sion, being always able to make my books my sole companions. 
But I find that hoary hairs and ill health require a moderate 
degree of kind and cheerful society. 

" Earnestly entreating the continuance of your prayers, the 
greatest kindness which your benevolent heart can grant, 
" Believe me, my dear sir, to remain, 
" Your grateful and affectionate, 

" S. Hawkes." 

In the month of December, Mrs. Hawkes left Highgate, 
and settled in Cross street, Islington. In a memorandum writ- 
ten at the opening of the year 1829, she expresses the satis- 
faction she felt on being received into the house of Mr. and 
Mrs. T . 

Jan. 1, 1829. — "Having been received, through the tender 
care of my heavenly Father, into this kind family, I would ac- 
knowledge the mercy ; and encourage myself to hope and be- 
lieve, that this is a token for good, and a condescending pledge 
that the Lord will be gracious and merciful from the beginning 
to the end of the year, and also the end of my painful pilgrim- 
age. I seem as one needing time to collect together my dis- 
tracted and confused thoughts respecting the extraordinary im- 
provement in my present situation, compared with the last in 
Queen's Row. Here I raise my Ebenezer, and desire to look up 
for a blessing on my new abode. The last year has been one of 
many trials, and much feebleness and sorrow. I have been led 
by a way that I knew not ; and faith has been put to hard con- 
flicts and struggles. But, blessed be God, who chose my way, 
he did not forsake me in it ; and he hath brought me out of it 
with much spiritual gain, and with praise and thanksgiving. 
This hath encouraged me to enter on the new year with tears of 
contrition, hope, and fresh dedication of all I have and am ; de- 
siring to live wholly and unreservedly to Him, in whom alone 
is my portion and refuge. ' Thou, O God, art the thing that I 
long for.' It is not the removal of my sufferings and sorrows 
that I seek, but the light of thy countenance, the in-dwelling 
presence of my adorable Saviour, and grace to abide in him, and 
to bring forth more fruit, ripe fruit, to the glory of my God, who 



326 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

hath, as I trust, l made with me an everlasting covenant, ordered 
in all things and sure,' and this is all my salvation, and all my 
desire, — yes, all my desire." 

Writing to an intimate friend, whose mind was harassed by 
some perplexing doubts and fears with regard to spiritual sub- 
jects, she says : — 

"Ah ! to be a simple, child-like believer, is a noble, happy aim ! 
I see for myself how those grow in grace, and become established 
in faith, who are as little children, taking in whatever truth they 
are taught, without hesitation, unbelief, or disputation. Upon 
this subject Mr. S. conversed with me the other day most de- 
lightfully. He was speaking of the advantage of being strong 
in faith. I remarked, But some are weak, and are apt to say, 
This and that promise is not for me ; — (very much your own 
words.) "With a wonderful animation, he replied, ' Who are 
the promises for ? Such a thought should never enter into the 
mind of any one who is seeking God. What is our claim to 
them ? emptiness, — poverty, — misery, — impotency ; but we want 
to take something in our hand. Evidences are essential in their 
place : but we must not try to fill our hand with them, or with 
any other qualification, when we go to mercy's door — mercy, 
free and sovereign mercy, — is our only plea, and Christ our only 
hope. Many persons puzzle themselves greatly about faith, and 
many other points, to their hurt, discomfort, and sad hinderance ; 
when, if they would take the Scriptures as they are given, to him 
who has given them, and plead the promises, they would have 
spiritual health and comfort. Faith is the gift of God, and we 
must look to him for it every moment, and not expect to draw 
it up out of any well of our own.' I asked him, How are crea- 
tures that are ever failing, and coming short of all they desire, 
and ought to be, to know if they are sincere ? He replied, 
4 From consciousness, by which they know in other matters their 
integrity.' I again asked, How, with such a cold heart as mine, 
shall I know that I love God ? Mr. S. replied, ' I never in all 
my life sat down to ask myself if I loved my wife and children, 
or set myself to find out marks to prove it.' 

" Now, my dearest , this is what you want ; even to do 

constantly, what you feel enabled sometimes to do, — to hide 
yourself in Christ. And when you are troubled with accusa- 
tions, either from within or without — allow that they are all 
true, more and more in addition, blacker and yet more black 
— and then go, like Mary, and wash the Saviour's feet with 
your tears ; there waiting till he shall say, ' Thy faith hath 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 327 

saved thee ; go in peace !' Pray for a full measure of the spirit 
of adoption. 'We have not received the spirit of bondage, 
again to fear.' Legal, slavish fear, is a state of torment; it 
will cleave to us as long as self has any prevalence. I can 
truly say, that whenever my thoughts turn upon anything like 
self-complacency in spirituals, — which is too often, — I want to 
spit it out, as I should a nasty taste out of my mouth. jNo, no, 
1 poor, and blind, and miserable, and naked,' we must be content, 
(yea pleased,) to be in our own eyes, and in the eyes of others ; 
and then we shall know what that means, ' Buy of me gold tried 
in the fire.' 

" Let your mind and thoughts, my dear, be more occupied with 
the Scriptures. I find nothing so ennobling, — so enlarging, — so 
elevating and purifying. When we read the word, looking only 
to be taught by the Spirit, we receive not only the opening of 
the understanding, but, at the same time, all the graces of the 
Spirit richly poured out upon the searcher after spiritual knowl- 
edge ; for he loves to be munificent." 

This year furnishes but one more letter, addressed to Miss 
C. Milward, while at Malvern, from which the following is an 
extract : — 

" The beautiful scenery you describe — the fine pure air you 
breathe — the simple country rambles you take — the favored ex- 
emption from worldly and gay society — the unrestrained freedom 
of pursuing, in the way that is right, all your designs, does surely 
comprise real and rational pleasure. Yet it would not fully an- 
swer the name of Christian happiness and enjoyment, were not 
all these pleasures combined and sweetened by more sacred and 
divine sources of delight, After the feasting of the outward 
senses, and the rational and intellectual faculties of the mind, — 
the highest, sweetest, and most sublime enjoyment we can taste 
on earth, is, to retire to the secret chamber, and shut our doors 
upon us, and in prayer and reading the sacred Scriptures, hold 
communion with the holy and blessed Trinity, — Father, Son, 
and Holy Spirit, — one God ; unseen, yet ever present to the eye 
of faith. This is a taste of heaven below ; and next to this 
amazing favor, granted to poor sinful worms through the free 
grace of the everlasting covenant, comes the true and sweet 
pleasure of free intercourse with a Christian friend, — well-in- 
formed, well-authenticated in character, and spiritual endow- 
ment — such as, by your description, you now have in your min- 
ister, Mr. ." 

The frequent and particular manner in which Mrs. Hawkes 



328 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

mentions the persons of the Holy Trinity, may be worthy of no- 
tice. She was not accustomed to use " words of course," in 
speaking on religious subjects ; her phraseology was expressive 
of ideas connected with her Christian experience. She had en- 
larged and Scriptural views of the different offices sustained by 
the several persons of the Holy Trinity, in the work of redemp- 
tion. And as she received, by degrees, more and more of the 
true spirit of adoption, she was led with adoring gratitude, and 
humble reverence, to hold communion with a Triune God ; and 
could say with the apostle, " Truly our fellowship is with the 
Father, and with his Son Jesus Christ." 1 John, i. 3. That 
fellowship with the saints, and the excellent of the earth, 
in which, with David, she had always taken so great delight, — 
was now becoming, through her growing weakness, much inter- 
rupted. But her necessarily increased solitude became a 
means, whereby she was more especially enabled to enter into 
those high privileges of the godly, mentioned in Isaiah, xxxiii. 
' ; He shall dwell on high ; thine eyes shall see the King in his 
beauty :" and thus she found a place of defence, which was to 
her as " the munitions of rocks." To such experience the next 
memorandum refers : — 

Cross Street, Oct. 13, 1829. — "Still another unexpected an- 
niversary of my birth-day ! The verse of Scripture in my text- 
book this morning, is most delightful, Psalm xxxi. 20. ' Thou 
shalt hide them in the secret of thy presence.' Has not this 
blessed favor been vouchsafed to me through every succeeding 
year of my whole life, — and strikingly through the last ? None 
but my sinful, wretched, helpless, afflicted, unworthy self, — and 
a forbearing, compassionate, covenant-keeping God, can ever 
know what a monument of mercy and long-suffering I consider 
myself to be ! I stand amazed and, I hope, abased and hum- 
bled to the dust, on the retrospect of every passing year ; and 
more particularly on the year since my spiritual birth, and 
long and varied afflictions. I can truly say, ' The remembrance 
of my sins is grievous unto me, and the burden (but for hope in 
Christ) intolerable.' When I endeavor to review the Lord 
Jehovah's gracious, long-suffering, and merciful dealings with 
me, overwhelming recollections so crowd on my mind, that 
every attempt to record them is impracticable. By the help 
of the Divine Remembrancer, they shall all be mentioned, over 
and over in penitential tears, confessions, supplications, and 
thanksgiving, — in deepest prostration of soul, at the foot of the 
blessed cross ; whereat, when the Holy Spirit melts my wretched 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 329 

heart, I alone taste of true, substantial happiness ; and raise my 
feeble, unworthy, — but sweetest — hallelujahs ! 

" I do hope, and trust, that through the eternal Spirit's help 
and teaching, and by means of the blessed word, the sacred en- 
trance of which giveth wisdom unto the simple — and by the 
sanctification of all my afflictions — I do hope, that I am enter- 
ing another year of my life, with some more reality of self- 
abhorrence, and self-renunciation ; and with more simple cling- 
ing unto Christ, and dependence upon Him, as my only hope 
and refuge ; with mournings over the sins and failings of the 
last year ; with more lively gratitude for my innumerable mer- 
cies ; and with a warm and sincere desire, that my few remain- 
ing painful days may be filled with His praise, who follows me 
with loving-kindness and tender mercies. May my converse 
with Christian friends, praise Him. May my solitary times, 
praise Him ! May my pain and weakness, through the power 
of Christ, resting upon me, praise Him ! And in death, may I, 
most of all, — praise Him ! Amen." 

At the opening of the year 1830, Mrs. Hawkes writes to her 
nephew, Mr. E. T. Jones, as follows : — 

<; I have felt much regret that I have not been able to write 
to my dear nephew long before this. But truly my inability 
and numerous infirmities render it the most difficult thing pos- 
sible for me to get a letter written — which I lament. Sure I 
am, that if my friends were only to witness all that I have to 
undergo every succeeding day, their only wonder would be, 
that any sort of exertion could be attempted by so burdened a 
creature. There is however One, blessed be His name ! who 
knows minutely our whole case, whether it respects body or 
soul. Oh ! for a heart to comprehend his infinite love and 
compassion ! While we see and feel our continual sinfulness, 
our innumerable corruptions, our want of faith, love, and resig- 
nation to His holy will, our carnality of mind, — in short, our 
poverty, and want of every grace which should be found flourish- 
ing in our souls, — He that so loved us as to give Himself for 
us, sees infinitely worse in us than we do in ourselves. Yet He 
loves, and pities, and forgives, and heals ; — for why ? for His 
own name's sake : because it hath pleased him, whose sovereign 
prerogative it is to will and to do according to his own good 
pleasure, to translate us out of Satan's kingdom, and to set his 
love upon us, which changeth not ; to make such an atonement, 
and to work such a righteousness, as shall expiate and cover all 
sins ; and also to give his sanctifying Spirit, that we may be 



330 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

formed into His likeness, (who is*) the glory of the blessed, 
Three-one Lord, Jehovah ! Is He not justly named, ' Wonder- 
ful, Counsellor, the Mighty God, the Everlasting Father, the 
Prince of Peace V 

" While I continually ask myself, allow me, my dear nephew, 
to ask you, — what is our growing knowledge, our increasing 
faith, love and holy conformity to the glorious One ? Is He 
our Beloved above all others ? Do we seek and delight to 
walk and talk with him ? and to keep so very close to Him, 
that no earthly object may force, or slide in, to draw our hearts 
away from communion with Him ? Do we find that we are 
able to exalt him more, — to bring forth fruit to his praise, — 
and to bring others to the saving knowledge of Him whom to 
know is life eternal ? For myself, I find it a stimulus, (as I am 
sure I do an occasion of great humiliation,) to make these self- 
inquiries in the presence of Him who knoweth us better than 
we can ever know ourselves. Surely no inquiry can be more 
suitable and important at the beginning of a new year. May 
the blessed Spirit help my beloved nephew, and me his aged 
and unworthy aunt, to open the inmost recesses of our hearts to 
receive that light which maketh manifest ! that we may discover 
what is wanting in ourselves, and see still more of that match- 
less Saviour, out of whose fulness all our wants are freely sup- 
plied. 

" But it is time to check my pen : after first assuring you of 
my truly affectionate and thankful sense of your kind care and 
remembrance of your aged aunt, not only worn and pressed 
down by disease and infirmities — but old age has come upon 
me, having entered into the seventy-first year of my earthly pil- 
grimage ! Hence, from a double cause, the springs of life are 
dried up, and ' heart and flesh fail ;' and were it not that infinite 
mercy enables me to say, ' But God is the strength of my heart, 
and my portion forever,' I should indeed utterly faint and be 
dismayed. Oh ! for a thousand tongues to praise the Saviour's 
love, who hath said, and still makes His promise good, ' I will 
never leave thee, nor forsake thee.' 'He giveth power to the 
faint, and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.' 
He gives me abundant cause to praise and trust Him for mer- 
cies, temporal, as well as spiritual. 

" Ever yours, S. H." 

* These words seem to have been accidentally omitted ; but if not, 
the sense may still be correct, — as will appear by comparing the fol- 
lowing passages — Gen. i. 27. Ex. xxviii. 36. Isa. xlvi. 13. Ps. xlv. 
13. Rom. viii. 29, compared with Heb. i. 3. 1 John hi. 2. Rev. xxi. 
11.— Ed. 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 331 

Under the same pressing sense of infirmity, she writes about 
this time to a friend of her early years, as follows : — 

" The days are come upon me when the ' grasshopper is a 
burden ; and when I am ready to say, even to those beloved 
friends in whose kind visits, and Christian converse, I have had 
so much delight, — and whom I ever do love, — ' Cease, then, 
and let me alone !' Some days, for an hour or so, I seem to 
revive, and make an attempt to rally my enfeebled powers ; but 
I soon fail, and am forced to yield to a state of debility of which 
I can give no idea, any more than I can of the disease, oppres- 
sive weight, and restlessness of my body. Yet, as usual, very 
little of all this suffering is perceived by any who are not with 
me night and day.* I find this state of extreme exhaustion 
very trying, and unhinging to my mind, which, through mer- 
cy, is yet vigorous, and longs to be on the wing, while its 
heavy companion bears it down. What a mercy that the load 
is on the body, and not on the soul ! What a favor that I can 
say, though my natural strength be departed, ' The Lord is 
not departed from me ; He is my strength, and my song, and 
my portion forever.' 

" I wish I could tell you of the kind and gracious leadings, 
and upholding of His merciful hand ; what are the teachings of 
his blessed Spirit, in all I have been passing through, since you 
and I saw each other face to face. I should love to hear all 
the way that you also have been led since that time, which, I 
trust, might be profitable to us, and lead us to offer our mutual 
praises to the God and Father of all our mercies. But proba- 
bly we must wait until Ave meet in heaven to tell of the won- 
ders of His love, and give Him glory. 

" I have experienced a deep trial from within and without ; 
so that I have said, 'The Lord is leading me now in a way 
that I know not ; and my faith is called to fight battles new 
and strange, with a host of spiritual enemies, (as well as out- 
ward trials,) that gather together against me. But well am I 
assured, that the design and end of every dispensation is one 
and the same, namely, that our heavenly Father will, by these 
things, form us for Himself. I never had a more solemn and 
deep sense of what is our high calling in Christ Jesus than I 
have now ; or of what is meant by being a Christian indeed 
— having our ' life hidden with Christ in God' — and daily 

* This remark -was surprisingly true, and -will appear very astonish- 
ing, when the whole nature of her complaints is made known — as also 
is the next clause, respecting the unimpaired vigor of her mental 
faculties. — Ed. 



332 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HA WEES. 

showing forth the fruits thereof to His praise. Nor did I 
ever feel a deeper humiliation that I am yet so much wanting, 
and am so weak in thus living by faith in the Son of God. I 
believe that as we draw nearer to eternity, our views of our- 
selves, and of God, will lead to such discoveries, through the 
enlightenings of the blessed Spirit and the Scriptures, as will 
lead us, like Job, to put our mouth to the very dust, and cry, 
' Behold I am vile ;' and will also promote such an establish- 
ment in faith, such dependence on Jesus Christ, and on his 
new and everlasting covenant,— as shall enable us to say, 
' Though he slay me, yet will I trust in Him.' To be emp- 
tied of self, and to live and abide in Christ, and be found in 
Him, is a divine work, — wrought in us by various means, 
through the sanctification of the Spirit. I do hope that I am 
taught, through grace, to know something more of the hidden 
life ; and to feel that the life to which we are called, consists 
in turning quite away from self-choosing, self-trusting, and in- 
deed, from self, and created things, both good and bad : — and 
that we are under gracious training, by that discipline which 
our great Sanctifier sees needful, in order to bring us to live, 
and move, and have our being in Christ, our living head. — 
Blessed be His name, that he doth give me to taste much 
sweetness in all my affliction ; and to see, that to depend sim- 
ply on the blessed promises of a faithful covenant-keeping God, 
is my only way of obtaining peace, comfort, and stability. In 
this way of wholesome discipline, has the Lord been graciously 
training you, my dear, for many years, as well as your un- 
worthy old friend ; and by the new disappointments, and more 
clouded prospects which you mention, the great and good 
Husbandman of your soul is still farther pruning and purging 
away, what may hinder your bearing more fruit, — and also 
perfecting what is lacking in your faith and love. Hear the 
Saviour speaking to you, as though with your outward eyes 
and ears you saw Him, and heard him saying, ' Fear none of 
these things ; only believe : said I not unto thee, that if thou 
wouldst believe, thou shouldst see the glory of God ?' The 
precious promises, when through the help of the Holy Spirit 
they are presented to a lively and simple faith, bring Christ so 
near to us, and us so near to Him, in that sweet relationship 
to, and communion with Him as man, as well as God, — as 
One made like unto us, — ' tempted in all points as we are, yet 
without sin,' — and that can be ' touched with our infirmities,' 
— that we are enabled to realize, more and more, his love and 
pity ; and his being always present to help and lead us ; not 
always sensibly, but always really present. Faith in Christ, 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 333 

faith in the Scriptures, faith which is the gift of God, is that 
which works wonders, and quiets our fears, — both under in- 
ward or outward troubles. All this my dear friend already well 
knows ; but neither of us know it in that fulness, that rich ful- 
ness, in which the Lord is ready to impart it to us. And we 
need to be stirred up, and encouraged, to look to Jesus the Au- 
thor and Finisher of our faith, that we do not faint in the day 
of adversity ; and that the wear and tear of life do not (if I may 
so say) wear away the life and faith of our souls, and prevent a 
close walking with God in the Spirit of adoption, and not in 
the spirit of bondage and slavish fear. May we enter more 
and more into that liberty of the children of God, by which, as 
little children, we run with every sorrow, fear and complaint, 
in an unreserved confidence, to our Father, whose love is un- 
bounded, and whose compassion faileth not." 

That " turning quite away from self, and from created things, 
both good and bad," to which Mrs. Hawkes so frequently (and 
particularly in the foregoing letter) refers, — and that entire res- 
ignation to God w 7 hich springs from true filial love to Him, — 
are graces which the most eminent saints have ever found of 
difficult attainment. The truly pious Mr. Berridge says, in a 
letter written to Mrs. Wilberforce when she was in dying cir- 
cumstances : — 

" Live as near to Jesus as you possibly can ; but die, die to 
self. 'Tis a daily w r ork, — 'tis a hard work. I find self to be 
like an insurmountable mountain, or a perpendicular rock, that 
must be overcome : — I have not got over it, not half-way over ! 
This, this, is my greatest trial ! Self is like a mountain ; Jesus 
is a sun that shines on the other side the mountain, and now 
and then a sun-beam comes over the top ; we get a glimpse, a 
sort of twilight apprehension of the brightness of the sun ; but 
self must be much more subdued in me, before I can bask in 
the sunbeams of the ever blessed Jesus, or say in everything, 
1 Thy will be done.' " 

The Rev. Joseph Milner, writing to the Rev. Dr. Milner on 
the grace of resignation, calls it " one of the last and highest 
attainments of the Christian life :" he says, " Though it is not 
easy to confine by rule the order of the Spirit's operations, yet 
this seems the general order of the Christian virtues, — namely, 
repentance, faith, love, and resignation. In Christ himself, res- 
ignation was perfect ; ' not my will, but thine be done ;' — 
and as far as we can trust Him for grace, so far we receive 
grace out of his fulness. Among men, St. Paul seems the 
completest pattern of resignation. What a tremendous view 



334 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

of his sufferings is that in the latter part of 2 Cor. xi. ! But 
how practical did the love of God make everything to him ! 
In Phil. iv. 11 — 13, he tells us he had learned to be content in 
any state, and that he could do all things through Christ which 
strengthened him : and the original word for ' had learned] 
alluding to the pagan mysteries, shows that the learning was 
of a mysterious nature." 

In the following letter to Mrs. C tt, dated March, 1830, 

Mrs. Hawkes refers to another acute visitation of sickness. The 
various impediments under which she called herself up to write, 
may be inferred from the description of painful feelings, with 
which, by way of apology to her friends for apparent remissness, 
she frequently begins her letters : — 

" I cannot number how many times I have said, — I will not 
if possible let another day pass without writing to my beloved 
friend ! And when I reflect on how many beyond what I can 
number have passed, I am truly grieved, and can only console 
myself in the heartfelt consciousness, that my affection and 
interest is undiminished ; and that my ceasing to write is my 
own loss, which must be classed among other privations that 
old age and long disease, with increasing infirmities, bring 
upon me, and which are among the afflictions and trials com- 
mon to man. I seem now as if I were writing almost out of 
the tomb, to which I have been nigh many times since I last 
had the pleasure of communicating with my dear friend. It 
is not long since I had reason to say, ' this sickness is surely 
unto death' — for it was of a very serious nature. I felt as 
though all was ready, and waiting, that should prove my safe 
and happy convoy over, death's cold flood, into that city, the 
glory of which seemed to dawn upon me. But the time was 
not come, and my prayer is, (and let it be yours on my be- 
half,) that this, and every fresh visitation may be to the glory 
of God and a more full preparation for heaven. To live to 
the glory of God, embraces all that His holy word enjoins, as 
respects our duty towards Him, ourselves, and our fellow-crea- 
tures ; and therefore renders every successive day, yea, hour, 
and every circumstance, whether of suffering or labor, or trial, — 
most important ; for in every dispensation, common or extraor- 
dinary, He that teaches us to profit, and who in all things, 
designs our profit, — has some gracious lesson to imprint upon 
our hearts. Sweet, is it not, when we are enabled to pros- 
trate our souls at the foot of the sacred cross, receiving whatever 
is sent as a token of the Saviour's bleeding love, and with most 
earnest prayer, that like diligent and wise pupils, we may let 



CHAP. IX.— FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 335 

nothing escape that our gracious Teacher means for our holy 
improvement. 

" I must pass over the detail of the many deep waters that, 
through the year 1828, with the exception of the latter part, 
seemed ready to overwhelm me. They arose both from trials 
within and without, and were of such a nature that my con- 
stant cry was, ' Lord, thou art leading me by a way that I 
know not ! Oh cast me not off in old age ; forsake me not 
when my strength faileth.' Nor did he forget or forsake his 
sinful worm, — but held me fast with his arm of salvation, — 
sealed the divine promises of his word more deeply on my 
heart, and enabled me through all to say, * Thou which hast 
showed me great and sore troubles, shalt quicken me again, 
and shalt bring me again from the depths of the earth.' Praised 
be His name forever, who has brought me out of these deep 
waters, not only with safety, but, I trust, through grace, with 
much gain ! having brought me to great self-loathing, and a 
more simple and entire hiding myself in Christ, our only sure 
refuge. But I have yet many painful waves to encounter, and 
my faith is at times very feeble. I am still in an enemy's 
country, and in a body of sin and death. Yet we know who 
is able to make us ' more than conquerors,' preserved through 
almighty power. ' Thanks be to God who giveth us the vic- 
tory,' I think my warfare is almost over. No wonder if after 
such lengthened suffering I find, in advancing age, my consti- 
tution sinking, and my strength departing. I am now almost 
too feeble to call myself up to any exertion. Everything ex- 
hausts and wearies me, however pleasant and desirable. A 
very little company is too much for me ; and though from 
excitement, and the love of seeing dear Christian friends, the 
failing lamp lights up for a time, and cursory observers see no 
great signs that it is near expiring, — yet I sink lower after- 
wards, and but slowly recover. I am, however, very thankful 
for what little strength is left. May all I have, and am, (which 
all cometh of sovereign grace and love,) be devoted to His ser- 
vice and praise ! 

" I am now compelled to say farewell, — even while my heart 
continues to commune with you. May the everlasting arms of 
our Heavenly Shepherd be underneath, and round about you ! 
And the shinings of his face ever beam upon you, — scattering 
every cloud that may arise to obscure your longing and believ- 
ing sight of his glory !" 

The following letter, written May, 1830, to Mrs. Y , 

contains several points of interest. In the manner of opening, 



336 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

we may mark the advanced Christian, meditating on the sta- 
bility of the everlasting covenant, and rejoicing in its privileges 
and security. The congratulations which are then offered, 
will be encouraging to those, who, in obedience to the leadings 
of Providence, have left their most loved and valued spiritual 
privileges. The Isle of Wight, which from its beauty has been 
termed " the garden of England," might, from its want of 
Gospel light at the time when the friend to whom the letter is 
addressed, was called to settle there, have been more properly 
called " the land of darkness." That it is now become as 
" the garden of the Lord," must be to every true Christian a 
subject of joy and thankfulness. 

Mrs. Hawkes next refers to the loss of one of her oldest and 
dearest friends, who had stepped into eternity before her. The 
tender reflections this event occasioned, prove that old age had 
not impaired either the strength or delicacy of her grateful 
and affectionate friendship. The letter, at its conclusion, touches 
upon the high and holy calling of a Christian minister ; and 
contains the further testimony of this aged saint against "new 
speculations, and subtle, novel notions," in the church. After 
allusion to her increasing infirmities, Mrs. Hawkes goes on to 
say : — 

" Yet the Lord is very gracious to me, and with thankful- 
ness and praise I can, and would answer, ' it is well.' By faith 
I endeavor continually to traverse over and over, the blessed, 
new, and everlasting covenant, ' which is all my salvation and 
all my desire ;' and therein I am enabled to view all things 
well ordered and sure, to such as are the children of grace, 
called with an effectual calling, in Christ Jesus. I have, how- 
ever, great reason to be humbled, and ashamed, that I do not 
endure some of the ' all things' ordered for me therein, with 
the full and entire acquiescence to the divine will which I 
desire. Oh, to feel ' the will of God a soft pillow !' as a 
Christian* friend once told me she did. This would truly 
bring a peace into the soul that passeth all understanding ; and 
make all sufferings and trials comparatively light and easy. To 
be favored, through grace, with any taste of so great a blessing, 
demands perpetual praise ; while it also proves a stimulus to 
seek after farther attainments. 

" How wonderful and gracious has been your dispensation, 
my dear madam ! The place to which you went with reluctance, 
thinking you were taking leave of all your ' pleasant things,' 
now proves to be the ' land of Goshen.' May the continual in- 

* Mrs. Fletcher, of Madeley, see p. 84. 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 337 

fluences of the Holy Ghost cause you to feed and grow thereby ! 
for therefore are such favors given unto you. The ministry of 

that holy and invaluable servant of Christ, Mr. S , is such 

a talent committed to his hearers for diligent improvement, as 
few are favored with. You, dear madam, and your Christian 
friends, will have need to keep it in your remembrance that 
the sacred treasure is in an earthen vessel, and that its sweet- 
ness and profitableness will be imparted to you by much 
prayer for him, and for yourselves. I think with real delight 

of your, and dear Mrs. B 's joy on the present occasion ;■ 

but I must not envy you. Mr. S condescends to favor 

me with kind, important, and undeserved marks of real Chris- 
tian friendship. Dearly do I love to hear him converse, or 
preach — which now I fear will seldom be my privilege ; but he 
is always engaged in the work of the Lord, who will assuredly 
bless and prosper him therein, according to the good pleasure 
of his will, and according to his promise. 

" My feelings are at this time very sorrowful, on account of 
the death of my old and dear friend, Mrs. Cecil — on Saturday 
last ! A thousand and a thousand tender and grateful recol- 
lections and associations are awakened in my mind, of my fa- 
vored sojourning with her, and my ever-revered Mr. Cecil, who 
were, indeed, truly and essentially, a father and a mother to 
me in seasons of deep affliction. How does my heart long that 
it were in my power to return their kindness to their dear be- 
reaved daughters ! All I can do is to pray for them ; which I 

hope you, my dear madam, and Mrs. B , and all their 

Christian friends, will also do. Mrs. Cecil's departure was pre- 
ceded by such an entire sinking of her constitution, and by an 
exhaustion tending so much to lethargy, that she was seldom 
able to converse. During the last week of her life, it was only 
at short intervals that she could be spoken with ; and it was a 
peculiar favor to herself and daughters, that Mr. Simeon and 
her excellent son were in the house, and watched for every re- 
viving moment to pray or converse with her, in all holy ten- 
derness, till she ceased to breathe. The solemn event greatly 
affects my mind, and makes me desire to take a nearer view of 
eternity, and a firmer grasp on Christ ; and I trust it will be 
sanctified to all the beloved children. 

" I am happy, my dear madam, to hear that your son has 
entered into his blessed Master's high service. ISTo higher 
charge can he be intrusted with in this world, than to preach 
the gospel of Christ, and to tread in his holy steps. Oh ! that 
all who enter the sacred ministry were deeply sensible of what 
so sacred and holy an office calls them unto ! It is a favor to 
15 



338 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

your son, in his first setting out, to be in a retired spot, and 
with so good a man. One trembles for ministers, even of older 
standing, in these present dangerous times, — when new specu- 
lations, and subtle and novel notions are, it is to be feared, cast- 
ing a dimness over ' the good old paths,' wherein alone it is 
safe to walk. 

" I have need, dear madam, to make an apology for my 
long scrawl; but when the heart leads, the trembling hand 
follows. I entreat your prayers for a weary and fast departing 
pilgrim. 

"S. Hawkes." 

The important calling of a Christian minister is farther en- 
larged upon by Mrs. Hawkes, in a letter to a young relative ; 
whom she exhorts to a serious self-examination as to his mo- 
tives for desiring to enter the sacred ministry, as follows : — 

" Ask yourself, then, as in the presence of Him who knows 
every thought of your heart, — Do I wish to go into the minis- 
try to avoid the drudgery, or the inconvenience, or the compa- 
ratively less elevated station of trade ? Is there in my motives 
any mixture of vanity or ambition ? Do I conceive that I have 
talents for the ministry, and shall therefore obtain the esteem 
and applause of men ; — and that it is a more gentleman-like 
and honorable profession, and that I shall make no mean 
figure as a minister ? Do I wish to pursue literature and study 
because it is more noble, and will raise me to more notice, and 
introduce me to more genteel society, and to a better rank in 
life ? Does my heart beat at the trappings of the gown and 
bands, and at the thought of being gazed at by a large congre- 
gation, and of being followed by a multitude ? Or, on the 
contrary, do I feel sensible that I am so poor, so weak, so mis- 
erable a sinner, that I am not worthy to take the sacred name 
of God in my polluted lips -—that unless I am endued with 
grace from on high, I am the last person fit to think of becom- 
ing a preacher of the everlasting Gospel ? Am I willing to be 
accounted the very off-scouring of all things, — and can I meet 
disgrace, contempt, neglect, persecution, and opposition, with 
all cheerfulness ? Do I, with the apostle, ' count all things but 
dung and dross, for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ 
Jesus my Lord V Do I esteem the reproach of Christ greater 
riches than all the treasures this world can bestow ? Do I es- 
teem talents, and brilliancy of parts, as nothing in comparison 
of grace ? Can I take up my cross, and deny myself, in order 
to follow Christ, through evil report and good report ? Am I 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 339 

acquainted with the weakness and deceitfulness of my own 
heart, so as to know that I am not able to resist one tempta- 
tion, or conquer one sin, without the grace of God assisting 
me ? Do 1 sufficiently consider the awful responsibility of a 
minister? (Read the 2d, 33d, and 34th chapters of Ezekiel.) 
Do I so bear in mind what is the high calling of a minister of 
the gospel, as to esteem, that it were better to be a shoe-black, 
or a chimney-sweeper, than to .take that sacred charge upon 
me, unless I enter upon it with right motives, and discharge the 
duties of it faithfully ? Am I determined to apply myself un- 
ceasingly to the toil and labor of study ? Can I shut myself 
up from the pleasures, the recreations, the amusements of the 
world, and of society, and become a recluse, — and toil through 
the drudgery of learning with unabating perseverance and ap- 
plication ? Am I sincere and simple in the desire to glorify 
God and to save souls ? Have I stability enough to be consis- 
tent and pursuing ? 

"But time and paper fail me : let this suffice for the present; 
and remember, you are but a youth, — you may comparatively 
be said to know nothing, — and therefore, after all, must be in- 
capable, at present, of forming a judgment upon yourself. As 
to capacity and talents, and bright parts, — while they are good 
and necessary, — yet without humility, without grace, they are 
nothing worth, and not to be accounted of. A minister must 
be a man of prayer — a man of a broken and contrite heart, — 
a man deeply versed in the sacred Scriptures, — one who fights 
against the world, the flesh, and the devil. In short, so much 
is required to fit a man for being a minister, that it is enough 
to make any one tremble at the idea of bearing the sacred 
character." 

Some of the interior workings of Mrs. Hawkes' mind at this 
time, are made known to us in the following letter to the Rev. 
R. Waldo Sibthorp :— 

"Aug. 5th, 1830. 
" Rev. and dear sir, 
" Had my ability for writing been at all answerable to the 
grateful feelings that your kind favor excited in my heart, not 
a day would have elapsed without my thankful acknowledg- 
ment for so comforting a token of your Christian remem- 
brance, kind sympathy, and desire to help forward a poor 
weary and heavy-laden pilgrim, on her journey heavenward. 
An attack of disease in the head has rendered writing, and 
reading, and even much thinking, not only exceedingly difficult, 



340 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

but also dangerous in its consequences : — and has proved a 
fresh occasion for the exercise of passive faith, and sweet re- 
pose in the will of God, and' in his fatherly love and compas- 
sion ; in which I am ashamed to feel I am so much wanting, 
— but which, I trust, I am seeking to obtain in a way which 
you, dear sir, kindly pointed out, — that of not resting short of a 
fuller measure of the blessed Spirit of adoption ; by which at 
all times, and in the darkest seasons, I may cry, ' my Father, 
my Father !' I say a fuller measure, — for I surely am not 
wholly a stranger to this high privilege, — these most sweet 
drawings of the blessed Spirit to the bosom of a compassionate 
Father, — even while under the deepest smartings of his chas- 
tening rod. Yet I am conscious that the spirit of bondage is 
not cast out as it ought to be ; but is still striving to rob my 
soul of that abiding peace, which is the sweet fruit of 'a full as- 
surance of faith.' I would, therefore, in self-renunciation, pros- 
trate myself at the foot of the blessed cross, — the holiest, safest, 
and happiest station for all the soul's transactions with God, — 
and would earnestly enter into the inquiry, ' Is there not a 
cause V It may be partly from the want of such serious inqui- 
ry, that many sincere Christians rest short of this crowning 
blessing of the gospel. In my own case, — setting aside a prone- 
ness to legality, and many other causes that operate to produce 
gloomy doubts, — I seem every day to be made to discover and 
feel, that I know very little of what is real Christianity, either 
in understanding or practice. And having been led, I trust, 
by Divine teaching, and also by sad experience, to feel some- 
what of the exceeding sinfulness of sin, — as regards its own 
hateful essence, as well as the havoc and ruin it has actually 
produced, and still does produce in the soul, — my mind and 
thoughts more frequently revert unto, and dwell upon, what 
sin hath wrought, than on that glorious salvation, which hath 
provided a full and free deliverance therefrom. This habit of 
my mind arises not so much, I think, from the want of clear 
views of the precious doctrine of justification, (as revealed in 
the Scriptures,) as from weakness of faith, which hinders a full 
embodying thereof, — if I may so speak. The faith of affiance 
in Christ has, for many years, been so very precious and binding 
to my soul, that I have seemed only to desire more and more 
of its uniting power, — whereas I ought, doubtless, to have been 
pressing forward to the obtaining of the ' full assurance of hope,' 
and the blessed grace of adoption. 

" In reply, dear sir, to your kind inquiry, ' what is the lead- 
ing relation in which I am wont to keep God before me ?' — I 
humbly trust I may say, that I have been favored with some 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 341 

sweet communion with God, in each of the sacred relations, in 
which he has been pleased to reveal himself, in the blessed 
Scriptures, towards his chosen and called ones. Yet strange to 
say, — in that of a Father, the most endearing of all relations, 
(as I now begin to discover,) I have not, as I ought, obtained a 
distinguishing acquaintance ; or a habit of near and abiding in- 
tercourse, — as in the other relations ; nor have I, in reading the 
Scriptures, sought out, and especially marked, the character, 
the various discoveries which are made therein of God, as a 
Father, — so much as in the light of a Redeemer and Sanctifier, 
and in some other sacred features, which I have been accustom- 
ed to place before my view ; but have rather been expecting 
that the Spirit of adoption should be given by some immediate 
and sensible operation of the Spirit, which, with an invincible 
power, should at once cast out the spirit of bondage, and over- 
come all slavish fear ; instead of expecting and waiting for this 
blessed Divine work to be wrought through the patient search- 
ing of the Scriptures and prayer. Surely does all this prove, 
what I have said before, that I know very little of what real 
Christianity is, either in understanding or experience : — while, 
as to its real value and blessedness, I hope I do know some- 
thing, and find a hungering and thirsting also to know all the 
fulness thereof. 

" I have endeavored, dear sir, with simplicity and confidence, 
to meet your very kind wish to know somewhat of my Chris- 
tian experience, — in the hope of obtaining the farther aid of 
your prayers and valued counsel ; from which, I thankfully be- 
lieve and hope, I have received much benefit. I think, in the 
last conversation I had the favor of holding with you, I observ- 
ed, that though I could not speak boldly of my assurance of go- 
ing to heaven, yet that I was not exercised with doubts on that 
score. And now that I am every day reminded, by some fresh 
symptom of disease, that there is but one step between me 
and death, I am, through infinite mercy and favor, enabled 
to seek, and find, a hiding-place in Christ, so as to venture my 
all into his arms of faithfulness and love ; and to adopt that holy 
cry, ' Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly,' and take to thyself a 
sinful worm, ' whom thou hast redeemed with thy precious blood.' 

" The death of my old and beloved friend, Mrs. Cecil, has 
brought a lowness on my spirits that lam not able, in my pres- 
ent feeble state, to overcome. The loss of animal spirits is to 
me a new trial ; although I am quite aware that it chiefly ori- 
ginates from physical causes, and only affects the mind in a 
way of sympathy. * * * * * * * 

" I must continue to comfort myself that, though absent, I 



342 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

am not forgotten ; nor prevented from meeting you in spirit, in 
the presence of Him who is the blessed centre of true happi- 
ness. I can truly say, I am never at a loss for songs of praise. 
Your undeserved kindness, my dear sir, as regards my spiritual 
and temporal benefit, is among other mercies and favors that 
tune my poor harp to cheerful strains of grateful thanksgiving. 
Much do I long to add on the subject of my deep obligation : 
but I know unto whom you would rather I should pour out my 
acknowledgments, which I am sure will be accompanied by 
earnest supplication, that the presence of Christ may be with 
you always, and prosper you in every way that you take, public 
or private ; for He knoweth the way that you take. 
" With unfeigned respect and esteem, 

"I remain, Rev. and dear sir, 
" Your ever obliged, 

"Sarah Hawkes." 

To obtain the slight relief which change of air might afford, 
Mrs. Hawkes passed the latter months of this year at Highgate. 
It was her principle never to neglect the use of any means af- 
forded by Providence, either for the improvement of health, or 
the alleviation of suffering. In a letter to her young friend, 
Miss Milward, who, with her sisters, was then at Ramsgate, she 
thus urges the conscientious attention to health : — 

" I hope none of you neglect to use every possible means of 
gaining benefit at Ramsgate. It sometimes requires much self- 
denial and resolution, to leave books, and home engagements, 
(especially if they are pleasant,) to go out and ramble from 
place to place, merely for the sake of air and exercise, when no 
particular object of interest excites to such exertion ; and as we 
are very apt to miscall things, and put our own meaning and 
color upon them, we call that a loss of time, which is taken from 
mental, or other more agreeable pursuits, and devoted to the 
gaining of bodily health and vigor. But this is a cheat which 
self-love and self-indulgence impose on our better judgment. 
When Providence favors an invalid with means of restoration 
to health, — the second greatest blessing we can desire, — it is 
as proper to be active, diligent, and conscientious in using those 
means, as to be found in the practice of any other duty that is 
enjoined upon us. Closet engagements, and Sunday privileges, 
are those alone which must not be sacrificed to the gaining of 
health. But all other employments and pursuits, however 
pleasing and desirable, must be suspended, during a temporary 
opportunity afforded by a kind Providence, who careth for the 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 343 

body : which being strengthened, is rendered more capable of 
serving and honoring God, by the performance of every duty 
which lies before ns, for the good of ourselves or others. The 
mind also partakes of the benefit ; and is better prepared and 
enabled to bear with cheerfulness, those trials and crosses whieh 
none are without." 

The importance of a religious regard to closet duties, which 
is hinted at above, is more strongly urged by Mrs. Hawkes, 
in a letter to her nephew, Mr. E. T. Jones, to whom she 
writes : — 

" Blessed be his name, I find by experience, through assist- 
ing grace, that the surest way to confidence, is to say to Him 
in prayer, with all humility and self-renunciation, ' I will not 
let Thee go, except Thou bless me.' Allow me, my dear ne- 
phew, to encourage you to let no day pass without wrestling, 
like Jacob, in the same spirit of importunity, for some satisfying 
taste that the Lord is gracious ; and, like him, you shall assuredly 
prevail ; and your faith will be enlarged and confirmed. I hope 
that, notwithstanding the increasing demand upon your atten- 
tion, you are still able to secure your early mornings for de- 
votional exercises. I do believe that nothing, (not even the 
public means of grace,) so surely and secretly promotes the 
health and prosperity of the soul, nor brings it into closer con- 
verse with God, as when, before the cares of the day and its 
endless distractions begin, w T e are enabled, with David, to say, 
' O God, thou art my God, early will I seek thee.' ' My voice 
shalt thou hear in the morning, Lord ; in the morning will I 
direct my prayer unto Thee, and will look up.' " Ps. v. 3. 

At the close of the year she again writes to the same, ac- 
knowledging favors : — 

" I know not how far that portion of the sweet Litany may 
belong to you, my beloved nephew, ' In all times of our wealth,' 
&c, but sure I am that unless the Lord bless your blessings, of 
every description, they will prove temptations to draw away the 
mind from close converse with him. He is able (however oth- 
erwise impossible it would be,) to keep my dearest Eden's heart 
hungering and thirsting after him, in the midst of all the bustle 
and cares of life, and in the midst of all its enjoyments, — which 
I trust is his daily experience. Accept my affectionate thanks 
for your great goodness to your aged and unworthy aunt ; who 
is yet a burdened lingerer in this dry and thirsty land, where 



344 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

no water is, save what may be graciously given from the ' upper 
and nether springs.' Blessed be the Fountain of Life ! we 
need not fear any failure there ; and if we drink not copiously 
thereat, the fault and loss is all our own, — for it ever flows, and 
overflows, to such as thirst after it ' as the hart for the water- 
brooks.' 

" Situated as I now am, very near to Mr. Wilson's church, 
you will easily imagine how painful I must feel that I am 
very seldom able to have the privilege of hearing him. I am 
ashamed to say that I am not resigned and quiescent under my 
privations, as I ought to be ; but often sit alone and mourn, 
when I should, with joy, be drawing water cut of the wells of 
salvation that are within my reach. I am ready to cry aloud 
to the old, and the young, who can go to the house of God, 
' Be diligent, be all earnestness to seize every opportunity, give 
place to no common hinderances, and treasure up what you may 
gain, as a store for sickness and old age.' I feel increasingly 
thankful for the past favors and privileges I have enjoyed ; and 
only wish I had improved them more. They, through divine 
grace, have led me into ' a broad land of wealth unknown ;' 
and to esteem the pearl of great price, hidden therein, as of 
more value and sweetness than all that this earth can bestow. 
And what will be the joy, (for which I am looking and long- 
ing,) when it shall be mine in everlasting possession ! Let us, 
my dearest nephew, count all things but dung and dross, so that 
we may win Christ, and be found in him, living and dying." 

Some of Mrs. Hawkes' few remaining private memorandums 
are in the form of short prayers, one of which concludes this 
year. The pious reader will easily follow out her unfinished 
ejaculation : — 

Dec. 1830. — " Blessed Lord ! who hast commanded thy poor 
followers to watch, and to pray, and not faint, look on one that 
from age, disease, oppression, and infantile weakness, — with 
pain of body, — has indeed to wrestle against flesh and sense , 
as well as with the soul's more immediate adversaries to the 
observance of thy blessed word. Let thy all-sufficient grace pre- 
vent me from making my weakness, or other infirmities, an ex- 
cuse for negligence or sloth. Teach me, patiently and resign- 
edly, yet in all godly sincerity and filial fear, to yield that which 
is due to an afflicted frame, and with faith, and love, and hope, 
to lie at the footstool of ." 

The extreme pain attendant on Mrs. Hawkes' complaint, had 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 345 

now scarcely any remission, even in exchange for languor and 
debility ; each seemed to prevail at once, with but few intervals. 
Writing and reading were almost laid aside ; and patient en- 
durance occupied her suffering days and nights. A few lines 
which she wrote, at this time, in answer to the kind inquiries 
of Miss Milward, evince the sweet frame of her mind : — 

" Many thanks, dear love, for your kind inquiries. I would 
gladly give you the pleasure which I know you would feel, as 
well as have myself the comfort of saying, — that my pain is 
somewhat mitigated, — were it in my power so to say ; but I am 
suffering acutely, and feel ill in consequence. 

" There is One, full of tenderness and mercy, that can give 
me ease : and if He is not pleased so to do, it is because He 
sees that pain is best for me ; and His love is too great to 
spare me to my loss. I thank you for your kind desire to 
help ; but, through mercy, I am not in want of anything that 
is needful. 

" I pray that you, my dear friend, and your dear sisters, may, 
while you have opportunity, and sufficiency of time and strength, 
seek to become more and more intimately acquainted with, and 
united to Him, who is a strong Tower in the day of suffering ; 
and your only Preserver from temptation, in time of ease and 
prosperity. 

" With much love to all, I am, 

" Your affectionate and obliged, 

" S. H. 

"March 25,1831." 

To her friend, Mr. B , she writes about the same time : 

" My sincere and grateful thanks are always inadequate to 
my feelings, and to my estimate of your friendship, and con- 
tinued goodness, in caring for an afflicted, unworthy, and often 
do I say, — wretched creature. Yes, in myself,- ' wretched, and 
poor, and blind, and miserable :' — but thanks be to sovereign 
grace and mercy, I am not my own, but His, who hath 
bought me with his precious blood ! Oh ! if I had faith to be 
able to say, * I live, yet not I, but Christ liveth in me,' how 
would my groanings, because of this body of sin and death, be 
turned into praise ! Renew your prayers for me, my dear sir, 
that my hoary head, and dying, pained days, may be crowned 
with a firm and increasing hope of a glorious immortality, and 
with a sweet foretaste thereof. I am now a greater sufferer in 
my body than I have ever been through the last thirty years 

15* 



346 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

of my afflictions. My pain is acute and constant ; and, of 
course, both strength and animal spirits are much wasted ; and 
my days, and mostly my nights, are wearisome to me : — but 
the full belief that they are 'appointed' by an all- wise, all-gra- 
cious, and compassionate Father in heaven, and that they are 
only those scourges with which He scourges every son and 
daughter whom he loveth, ought to make me more joyous, and 
less sorrowful under all I have to endure. Sure I am, He doth 
not visit me as my sins deserve ; and sure I am, that the mer- 
cies, supports, and blessings that He granteth me, are wonder- 
ful, and demand more grateful songs of praise than I am able 
to render. Yes, ' the Lord is good, and a strong-hold in the 
day of trouble.' 

" When will you come, my dear friend, and, — by the bless- 
ing of God on your conversation and prayers, — refresh my spirit, 
as your kind provision refreshes the poor body ? 

" I was glad to hear you were better : may health and pros- 
perity, temporal and spiritual, abound towards you ! prays, 
" Your affectionate and indebted, 

" S. Hawkes." 

The following letter to the Rev. R. Waldo Sibthorp, appears, 
from comparing the date at the commencement with another at 
its close, to have lain a long while unfinished, — indicating the 
state of suffering which caused correspondence to become more 
and more difficult : — 

"June, 1831. 
" My very dear sir, 
"Long before I had the favor to receive your last most 
highly valued and kind letter, I greatly desired to indulge my- 
self in the pleasure of writing to you. Again and again have 
I taken up my pen, in moments of somewhat abated pain, but 
was rendered unable to proceed by its too speedy return ; nor 
have I any better hope of success, but by adopting the expe- 
dient of scribbling now and then a line or two at a time, when 
a short interval of comparative ease may be granted me : — 
very few and short, are such favored intervals ! for I seem to be 
clothed with suffering as with a garment. Oh ! how great is 
the mercy of my God towards me, who hath also clothed me 
with a garment of salvation ! and I trust this severe affliction 
is preparing me, through sanctifying grace, for a robe of glory. 
I shall indeed, dear sir, count myself highly favored, if, as you 
say, I may be drawing near the blessed ' assembly' above, — 
and the beatific vision ? where there is no veil between ; but my 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 182S TO 1832. 347 

heart is sometimes sick with hope deferred, and with the prob- 
ability of being- still a lingerer in this vale of tears : yet for this 
I chide myself; because time, at the longest, is but a moment; 
and for me, it can only be a little moment, — which I trust I 
shall be enabled to improve, in seeking after larger manifesta- 
tions of the love and presence of the Saviour, who can ' be 
touched with a feeling of our infirmities,' and graciously pours 
forth his choicest comforts in the hour of extremity. 

" Although I am always afraid to speak of my own feelings 
and experience, lest there should creep in anything of wretched 
boasting ; yet, what may prove satisfactory to a praying, sym- 
pathizing brother, as you most kindly style yourself, (and of 
which, by many conferred favors, I am fully and thankfully as- 
sured,) should not be withheld. And still less should be with- 
held, an humble testimony to the loving-kindness, and tender 
mercy, which is vouchsafed in this time of sore affliction, to one, 
who feels every day that it is because the Divine compassion 
faileth not, that she is not consumed. I trust I may say that 
I am brought into a more child-like spirit ; and enabled by the 
blessed Spirit of adoption, with a more sweet and firm confi- 
dence, to cry, ' My Father, my Father !' than when I last had 
the privilege of conversing with you, my dear sir, on that sa- 
cred subject ; and that, in some measure, I am enabled to kiss 
the smiting rod ; and hide myself in the bosom of a reconciled, 
yea, an indulgent God and Father, in Christ Jesus. Moreover, 
that many encouraging proofs are afforded, that this chasten- 
ing of the Lord is ' for my profit ; and that I might be made a 
partaker of his holiness,' after which my soul thirsteth. 

" Had not my bodily afflictions been particularly distressing 
during the last few months, I should, long ago, have endeav- 
ored to thank you, my dear sir, for your most welcome and 
valued letter, which came so opportunely, that it had all the 
full effect on my mind of that kind Christian sympathy which 
led you to write it ; and my feelings will long retain its sacred 
and sweet savor. I think I never felt the kind sympathy of 
friends so truly soothing and delightful, as since my increase 
of disease ; yet as you say, a sympathizing Saviour surpasses 
all ! It is His gracious prerogative to say, — =•' I am with you 
always !' Let the sufferings of extremity speak, if they can, 
what is the blessedness of those consolatory words, when brought 
into experience ! I find that a time of extremity greatly 
tends to make faith both simple and bold ; — it flies to Christ, 
and says, ' I will not let Thee go, except Thou bless me.' How 
truly, therefore, is it said, ' Afflictions are blessings in disguise.' 
" I hope, dear sir, I am in some measure enabled, as you say, 



348 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

to speak a word in season, occasionally, to such few as my increased 
sufferings will permit me to converse with. As long as life shall 
last, my heart and tongue can bear but one testimony, to whom- 
soever I speak, — of the importance of vital union with Christ, and 
a realization of the nearness of eternity, and the blessedness of 
standing ready-clothed in the wedding-garment, and only wait- 
ing for the Bridegroom's call, ' Come up higher.' 

" I am delighted with your remarks on the simplicity and effi- 
cacy of faith, which enters into the possession, rather than lingers 
on the expectation of the blessing. Does not this simple faith 
comprise all other Christian graces \ I trust I can, in a measure, 
say by experience, — it does. 

" I am not only struck, as you anticipate, but confirmed in 
the persuasion, that Satan's mode of attack, in the present day, 
is by exciting an outward, rather than an inward, work ; espe- 
cially by promoting an apparent zeal for God, in pursuing ob- 
jects connected with the spread of the Gospel, and the interest 
of religion generally ; — but I am much more struck, and even 
alarmed, by his attack upon the real Christian, in his transform- 
ing himself into an angel of light ; so as to deceive, if it were pos- 
sible, the very elect ; proposing to them, chiefly through the me- 
dium of the imagination, greater degrees of spirituality and ele- 
vation than the Scriptures authorize us to expect, — except as 
combined with deep contrition, and humiliation. Some minds 
he rills with endless speculations and perversions. In others, he 
raises scrupulosities on minor points, destroying the grandeur and 
simplicity of the Christian system ; and thus, puts on the Chris- 
tian who has hitherto been simple and consistent, the garb of 
changeableness ; which leads many to say, ' We scarcely know 
where to look for a solid guide.' But God will take care of his 
church, and in due time bruise Satan under our feet. Still it is 
a consolation that there are many sound in the faith — and even 
some of a Fletcher-like spirit. 

" Thus far, my dear sir, had I proceeded with this letter, (which 
I have been many weeks endeavoring to write,) when the ap- 
palling and most affecting event of the loss of Mr. and Mrs. Fors- 
ter was brought to my ears 1 * My spirits are yet too much op- 
pressed to write upon the tender subject. I can only contem- 
plate them as rejoicing before the throne ! and think they were 
favored by so easy a departure, and that in death they were 
not divided. The Bridegroom called, and they were ready. 



* "Who were lost at sea, in the Rothsay Castle steamer. — Ed. 



CHAP. IX. FROM A. D. 1828 TO 1832. 349 

" Begging* most earnestly a continued interest in your pray- 
ers, for which, I believe, I am already greatly indebted, 
" I remain, dear sir, 
" With true esteem and Christian affection, 

" Your ever obliged, 

" S. Hawkes. 
"Sept. 2." 

By the help of an amanuensis, she addresses the same friend 
again, at the close of the year, wishing to express her grateful 
sense of favors received : — 

"Dec. 17, 1831. 
" Rev. and dear sir, 

"I can only place the favor I have received through, your 
kindness, among the many marks vouchsafed to me of the gra- 
cious love and care of my heavenly Father ; mercifully designed 
to render less bitter the cup of suffering, from which frail nature 
shrinks, even while the real language of the heart is, — ' I know 
that in very faithlessness Thou hast afflicted me.' Bless the 
Lord, O my soul, for all his benefits ! especially the benefit of 
his chastening rod. 

" I will beg you, dear sir, to present my grateful acknowl- 
edgments to Mrs. M s, whom, though unknown, I claim 

as a Christian sister in the Lord, — in whose name I am per- 
suaded she shows me this kindness ; and her favor being en- 
closed in a letter from yourself, made it more than a double 
gratification. May the same blessed Lord return unto her, and 
to you, my much esteemed benefactor, showers of grace and 
blessing ! 

"I feel ashamed that you or any other friend should ask 
my poor (and, now, almost broken) prayers ; but such as they 
are, I trust I shall not cease to offer from the altar of my heart ; 
which, when broken and contrite, being sprinkled with that 
precious blood which cleanseth from all sin,— I am sure will 
not be rejected. Yes, dear sir, there is indeed an endless, 
boundless theme for contemplation and praise, in the love of 
the Son of God towards helpless ruined sinners ; and through 
Divine help, it is my sweetest engagement and enjoyment, 
while on my couch of pain, to endeavor to trace such amaz- 
ing love in all its various manifestations, both in the sacred 
record, and in whatever comes within my observation and ex- 
perience. 

"As to ' flights of fancy and imagination,' I am more and 
more convinced they must be altogether thrown down, and 



350 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

kept down, by the power of the Holy Spirit, and the word of 

God. 

# * # * * % 

"I sincerely thank you for your kind Christian wishes, 
in which are comprised all that would sweeten the cup of 
suffering, — which continues much the same as heretofore. 
The good hope which is graciously afforded me in the en- 
couraging passage you mention, and the nearer prospect and 
hope of soon entering into a sabbatical rest, through mercy, 
keeps my mind in peace, and my heart, for the most part, from 
fainting. 

" I shall always be comforted to hear of your welfare, dear sir, 
both spiritual and temporal, — while, with true regard, I must 
ever remain, 

" Your obliged and affectionate servant, 

"S. Hawkes." 



CHAPTER X. 

CLOSING PERIOD OF HER LIFE. 

FROM JAN. 1832 TO OCT. 16, 1832. 

Her increased sufferings, and the increasing power of grace upon her 
mind — Solemn views of death — Letter on ejaculatory prayer — Remo- 
val to Park Street — Her last letter to Mr. B . — Peaceful waiting 

for departure — Dictates a letter to the Rev. R. W. Sibthorp — Severe 
sufferings at last — Visit of Dr. Fearon, who commends her departing 
spirit to God — Post-mortem examination — Extract from her funeral 
sermon, preached by the Rev. F. H. Fell. 

We are now about to enter on the last year of Mrs. Hawkes' 
earthly pilgrimage. We have to contemplate her, exhausted 
by continual pain, sinking under disease and old age — and wait- 
ing in solemn expectation of dissolution. In such circumstances, 
lively expressions of feeling could not be expected; nor shall 
we meet with them. But we shall behold a cluster of graces, 
adorning the aged, dying Christian — who still brings forth fruit 
in old age. What those fruits are, we may learn from Rom. v. 
3 — 5. " Tribulation worketh patience ; and patience experience ; 
and experience, hope ; and hope maketh not ashamed :" — we 
shall behold her " looking for, and hastening unto, the day of 
God ;" still deeply conscious of the vast eternity which was open- 
ing before her, as appears by the following lines written about 
this time : — 

1832. — "With what solemnity does the serious and con- 
templative mind take a near view of death, even with a good 
and sure hope of a joyful resurrection unto eternal life, through 
Jesus Christ ! How apt is the eye of faith, when feeble as is 
mine, to view the surrounding rising waters, rather than to 
keep a fixed look on Him, who can bid me walk upon them. 
That such divine power may be given, when this frail and 
broken vessel must 'launch out into the deep, shall be my 



352 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

prayer while lingering on its brink : which, I trust, shall be 
cheered with the songs of praise, ' He hath swallowed up death 
in victory.' " 

While, however, life lasted, she did not consider that " the 
work of faith" was done, — nor the " labor of love" ended. When 
any question of spiritual importance was proposed to her by let- 
ter, her trembling hand still endeavored to direct and assist the 
younger Christian ; as will appear by the following letter, writ- 
ten in May, 1832, to a friend who had asked, — "If the spiritual 
life could be kept up by ejaculatory prayer only; when from 
constant engagement — under the direction of others, — stated sea- 
sons of retirement became almost impossible." .In reply to 
which, Mrs. Hawkes writes : 

" I cannot help having much concern about you, dearest one, 
notwithstanding your description of all the enchanting scenery 
that surrounds you ; because earth is but earth still, and more 
dangerous because enchanting ; yet I feel thankful for the hold 
you have of ' things that are unseen.' My own experience at 
this very time makes me know, that while ejaculatory prayer 
through the day, is of great help — and is a mercy — yet it will 
not make up for the loss of stated times of prayer ; because it 
affords no calm recollections, — no self-searching, no need- 
ful meditation, — and pouring out of the inmost recesses of the 
heart, before a throne of grace. On account of my pain and 
infirmity — together with the constant administration my wretch- 
ed body needs, — I can now seldom be alone ; I am not able to 
engage, as I used to do, in sweet morning exercises before any 
persons are stirring ; and like you, I am every day panting for 
the power to ' shut my doors about me.' I do catch, now and 
then, a morsel of the living bread, in silent groanings ; but I 
want time and quiet for a full banquet ; and am sadly concern- 
ed lest, from the want of it, I should become like the dry 
ground, where nothing is growing. If I feel this, where there 
is nothing to attract, to amuse, or to excite, — how much more 
must you, my dear, who have so much demand upon you ! 
Therefore do all you can to get into more abstraction, and re- 
collection, and retirement. The example of self-denial might 
do others good. You need great wisdom, and simple piety, to 
shine as a light. 

" I am much the same as when you left me, except that I 
am more and more broken and feeble ; and I am more longing 
to enter into rest. I am greatly disturbed also by the sad ne- 
cessity to leave, shortly, my nice apartments here, without an 



idea in what place I shall next lay this poor body. This is an 
old trial ; but I never was so unfitted to meet it. 

" You will be aware how much I feel the departure of our 
Bishop.* He has been to see me twice since his elevation to 
the prelacy; and is most kind. He preached here twice on 
Sunday. May he be kept from all evil, and be blessed with 
all good !" 

At Midsummer Mrs. Hawkes, with some difficulty, removed 
from Cross Street, to Park Street, Islington ; and seemed to ex- 
perience a slight revival from the change. A friend having 
congratulated her, about this time, on her nearness to glory, 
she replied, " Not very near ; He is not ready, and / am not 
ready." At another time she remarked, "I feel stripped of 
every shred, and reduced to faith alone ; but that is enough." 
To a friend who called upon her in the hope of profiting by 
her conversation, she said, " I am too weak to converse — I am 
too weak to pray — I am too weak even to think ; — but I am 
in the Ark, and all is safe." Writing to her nephew, Mr. 
E. T. Jones, she says : — 

" Again the desired haven is not quite so near ; yet it is 
within my constant view, and I have only to stand, ready for 
the solemn signal to cross the unknown Jordan of death ; 
which faith in Christ, our blessed deliverer from all its horrors, 
can alone enable us to look upon without trembling. After 
many years of expectation, and I trust, preparation for this 
solemn event, I sincerely feel that when death has really fixed 
its grasp, it opens to the recollected mind, about to enter the 
eternal world, views and impressions which it is not easy to 
imagine beforehand. Therefore, we have need, . my dearest 
Eden, to look again and again, that our house is indeed firmly 
built on that solid and blessed Rock, which will save us from 
being shaken when the storm ariseth. Through infinite mercy, 
I am favored with much peace in my nearer approaches to the 
grave. But ' my times are in His hand,' and I trust for dying 
grace in dying times. My iron constitution, as I may call it, 
seems now to say, — It is enough, — and yields pretty fast to 
the long and large demands of disease, though it still shows 
signs of resistance. I am indeed a monument of mercy ! Abun- 
dant in loving-kindness, both as concerns my temporal and 
spiritual life, do I daily experience that adorable, covenant- 
keeping God, whose name is ' Emmanuel, God with us !' Oh ! 
that we may live in him daily and hourly." 

* The Bishop of Calcutta. 



354 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

The last effort of Mrs. Hawkes' own hand to address a friend, 

was in the following note to Mr. B . The grateful 

effusions for some recent favors with which it concludes, are 
omitted for the sake of brevity :— 

" Park Street, Aug. 3, 1832. 
" My very kind and dear friend, 
" I hoped that I could have mustered up sufficient strength 
to have returned you, without any delay, my best thanks for 
your kind and profitable letter, which so truly suits my mind 
and feelings ; and which leads me to hope, that such Christian 
sympathy and regard will excite your constant and earnest 
prayers for me. I comfort myself in the belief, that many 
kind friends do remember me at the throne of grace, now, 
when from a continual state of exhaustion, which seems little 
short of death, I cannot pray for myself except in ejaculations, 
and broken utterances. Yet if these are, as I trust, those 
' groanings of the blessed Spirit which cannot be uttered,' they 
shall not be rejected, though accompanied with many sad in- 
firmities, — because they are intrusted to the glorious Interces- 
sor who purifies every sigh and tear with the ' much incense' 
offered on high. Dying work is hard work to nature ; but it 
will not last long ; and then, Eye hath not seen, nor heart con- 
ceived, what shall be the wonder and joy of the disimprisoned 
spirit, set free from a body of sin and death. Until that favor- 
ed release shall be granted, and every storm shall have passed 
away, I would earnestly desire, and pray, to hide myself in 
Christ, my only refuge. Surely ' the night is far spent, and 
the day is at hand !' May I be enabled to endure what re- 
mains of the night with cheerful resignation to the will of my 
Father in heaven, — who chastens me far less than I deserve : 
and mingles mercy and loving-kindness with every sorrow, so 
that my songs of praise and thanksgiving far exceed my moan- 
ings." 

The two short prayers which follow, written with tremulous 
hand a little before her death, were the last attempt to express 
her feelings on paper : — 

" Oh, Thou ! whose bowels of compassion yearned over Jeru- 
salem, as in that tender lamentation, ' How often would I have 
gathered thee, as a hen gathereth her chickens under her 
wings,' — let an afflicted, defenceless one, who ever in trouble 
flies to thee, abide beneath thy spreading wings. Yea, ' under 



CHAP. X. FROM JAN. TO OCT. 16, 1832. 355 

the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until all my 
calamities be overpast.' " 

" If Thou, gracious Saviour, didst commend such as had 
visited thee, ' sick and in prison,' with ' Inasmuch as ye have 
done it unto one of the least of these my brethren ye have 
done it unto me ;' how much more wilt thou thyself, ' whose 
heart is made of tenderness, come to a sick, oppressed prisoner, 
— the Lord's prisoner, — who crieth unto thee ; and esteems 
one drop of sweet balm from thee, more precious than all 
other healing medicine. Come, O blessed Spirit of promise, 
bring, and seal some word of Scripture on my heart and mem- 
ory, and it shall be sweeter than if an angel spake !" 

Her prayer was answered : there was not much said in that 
chamber of death ; all was solemn ; all was silent ; — save 
when the dying child of Adam uttered a groan ! — save when 
the living child of the second Adam breathed a prayer ! but 
there was no one in that sacred chamber who was not sensible 
that " The Lord was there." " The High and Holy One, who 
inhabiteth eternity," was with this lowly contrite one, to revive 
her heart and spirit. His everlasting arms were underneath 
the sufferer. All was peace : and the beams of the Sun of 
Eighteousness were shining through this chamber of death, for 
all was love, — love to God, and love to all the saints. Heaven 
was drawing nigh, and hope was going forth to meet it ; and 
faith had laid her soul, like a passive infant, in the arms of her 
Saviour, waiting and praying, (in the sentiment of those lines 
used by the Primitive Church :) 

" When I shall get permission 
To leave this mortal tent, 
(From pain and griefs, dismission,) 
Thyself just then present ; 
And let me when expiring, 
On thy dear breast recline ; 
And be true life acquiring, 
From that pierc'd heart of thine !" 

This soul, full of light and love, was not, however, altogether 
silent. The feelings of gratitude stirred up the dying embers 
of life, when nearly extinct. Having received a letter from her 
valued friend, Mr. Sibthorp, containing a kind and generous 
assistance towards her bodily comforts, she called to one who 
was watching near her, to write, while she dictated, her ac- 
knowledgments. But recollection was nearly gone ; and from 



356 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

beginning to express her sentiments in the third person, she 
occasionally spake in the first, making, from weakness, long 
intervals between each sentence. These intervals were marked 
by dashes inserted by Mrs. Hawkes' amanuensis, while writing 
from her lips, upon a rough paper ; the substance of which 
was afterwards copied and introduced in the following manner 
in a letter to Mr. Sibthorp : 

" Rev. Sir, 
" I had the privilege of seeing dear Mrs. Hawkes yesterday, 
and delivered to her your letter. I found her sinking very 
fast, greatly reduced in strength, and in a more suffering state 
than I ever saw her. She was scarcely able to speak, but en- 
deavored to dictate a reply. Her words were as follows : — 

" She wished me to express to you, her sincere and affec- 
tionate thanks for your letter, and its generous contents, — the 
help of which was important to her ; — and most of all, for the 

continuancce of your friendship, She has been, and now is, 

reduced to a state of dying weakness she never felt before. 

I have been exceedingly longing to write to both yourself and 
Mrs. Young ; but now, I am past both. In such weak- 
ness, it is impossible to have fixedness of thought ; and there- 
fore she is enabled to throw herself on the promises and the 
Promiser ; and her constant inward cry is, — she hopes not im- 
patiently, — 'Come, Lord Jesus, come quickly, if it please 

Thee ;' and feels repose in a Father's care and love : . 

and the everlasting covenant of salvation, ' ordered in all things 
and sure.' She longs to tell you, that dying work, is strip- 
ping work ; and that it is not in observation, and high flights 

of spirituality, but entirely hanging on the Saviour, not in 

erecting high standards, but lying at the foot of the cross. Mr. 
Sibthorp must pray for me ; — my love to Mrs. Young, — ask her 
prayers too, and everybody's. My prayers will follow them as 
long as I can breathe one. — You may let him know when I am 
gone." 

Mrs. Hawkes then dozed for a short time ; and on re-opening 
her eyes, and seeing her amanuensis sitting as before, she began 
again to speak ; but it was doubted whether the hints dropped 
were not more addressed to her friend then present, than in- 
tended to be inserted in her letter. Her words were, however, 
written down as follows : — 

" Make more acquaintance with Him, (God) and then you 



CHAP. X. FROM JAN. TO OCT. 16, 1832. 357 

will hang upon him more. Do not puzzle yourself about your 
dispensation, but cleave to Him. Give me a sweet touch of 
drawing to Him, — and to say, God is my God, and hiding- 
place. "Wash me from all self-righteousness ; — from all no- 
tions that there has been anything in me but wretchedness and 
sin. Oh, I had not a shred left ; — Oh, not a shred. — I look 
back on my long life, and see much self-righteousness ; — I have 
thought better of myself than I ought to think ; — but now I 
think only of my Saviour. I had an extraordinary dispensa- 
tion : 1 believe my faith has been right faith ; — Satan has 

been permitted to thrust at me : — but I trust I am able to say, 
'in very faithfulness and righteousness, He does it all.' And 
now I cast it (self-righteousness) all away — I cast myself on 

Him. Take me, as I am ; make me as thou art ; 

and if it may please Him to give me strength to endure" 

At these words a faintness came on, which was followed by a 
doze ; and she added no more at that time. 

The parting spirit had a long and difficult struggle to get free. 
Her " iron constitution," as she termed it, made a natural resist- 
ance to death, as it had kept up a long fight with disease. The 
result of this conflict shows how little can be gathered from 
the mere circumstance of what is called " dying easy :" one con- 
dition alone is required for a safe and peaceful departure, — 
" For thou art with me." Psalm xxiii. 4. 

On Sunday, Oct. 14, she expressed that she was suffering 
" great pain," — " all over," — " shaken to death." But at the 
same time, she was perfectly conscious, — of which there were 
many proofs. That night, her nephew, Mr. Thomas Eden, 
(who had for some time been one of her kind medical attend- 
ants,) sat up with her, thinking she was very near death. On 
Monday, the pain, " all over," as she said, increased most dread- 
fully : so that her screams and moans were distressing, and the 
tossing of her arms was violent and incessant. She still, how- 
ever, knew everybody, — looked at each with signs of clear re- 
cognition, and called them by name. Besides great pain, the 
shaking of her frame was violent, so that persons were obliged 
to sit on each side, to hold down her arms with pillows. Her 
medical attendant made the remark, — that there was not a 
muscle or tendon exempt from agitation. About twelve, on 
Monday night, the violent pain seemed in some measure to 
abate. On Tuesday, her eyes appeared more fixed ; yet she 
still recognized, and cast an expressive look, first on one, and 
then on another. In turning her head she accidentally caught 
sight of a portrait of the Bishop of Calcutta and said, " Dear 



358 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

Bishop !" — which proved that she was still able to distinguish 
objects. Afterwards a stupor came on, and she seemed to lose 
sensibility to everything. Her frame became more quiet, and she 
lay breathing less and less strongly. About three o'clock in the 
afternoon, the Rev. Dr. Fearon came in, and seeing her in the 
act of departure, he immediately knelt down, and said, " Let 
us commend her spirit," — and shortly after, it was perceived 
that she had ceased to breathe. 

On Tuesday, Oct. 16, 1832, a few hours after the deliverance 
of her immortal spirit, a. post-mortem examination took place by 
Mr. Bateman : Mr. Hensley, her constant attendant and intimate 
friend, Dr. Bright, — and other medical gentlemen, being pres- 
ent. The result proved, that in addition to cancerous and cal- 
culous complaints, Mrs. Hawkes was the subject of several very 
painful diseases ; and on the question being put by one, " What 
did she die of?" It was replied, " Can you see all this mass of 
disease, and ask what she died of ? She was worn out with 
bearing a complication of diseases." 

On the Tuesday following her death, she was interred in the 
family vault of her relative, George Milward, Esq., in the burial 
ground of Pentonville Chapel. Her funeral service was per- 
formed by the Rev. William Cecil, who came up to town to 
pay this last tribute of respect to the memory of a friend of his 
earliest years. On one side of the vault was placed the follow- 
ing inscription : — 

SacretJ to tf)e J&emo*g 

OF 

MRS. SARAH HAWKES, 

WHO DEPARTED THIS LIFE 

OCT. 16, 1832, AGED 13 YEARS. 

" Whose faith f bllow." 

Hebrews, xiii. 7. 

Her funeral sermon was preached at the parish church of 
St. Mary's, Islington, by the Rev. H. Francis Fell, from Psalm 
cxix. 75. "I know, Lord, that thy judgments are right, and 
that thou in faithfulness hast afflicted me :" — a text which she 
herself had chosen. 

If, by the light of faith, such an estimate could be made of 
afflictive providences, during the days of darkness and suffer- 



CHAP. X. FROM JAX. TO OCT. 16, 1832. 359 

ing here below : what will that estimate be, which the believer 
shall be enabled to make, when admitted to the light of glory 
and to the vision of God ! 

A circumstance of interest in relation to Mrs. Hawkes' spir- 
itual experience, is mentioned by Mr. Fell, in her funeral ser- 
mon ; in which he speaks as follows : — 

"It has been my comfort, my privilege, and my joy, I may 
add, my honor, to visit Mrs. Hawkes from the commencement 
of my r-sidence at Islington ; and, with only one exception, I 
have invariably found her ' patient in tribulation, rejoicing in 
hope, giving glory to God ;* smarting indeed under a rod of 
bodily suffering, which I can only describe as a constant mar- 
tyrdom : but ' glorifying God in the fires.' From this very ex- 
ception we may learn her marvellous submissiveness, wrought 
of God's Spirit ; while it shows, that if for one moment we are 
left to ourselves, we become the prey of Satan's artifices, and 
human weakness. I have made one exception, and will state 
to you in all simplicity, with a view to your spiritual improve- 
ment, when and how it happened, Our dear friend, I may 
say, has been dying for years : but for two months past, it has 
been apparent to those who affectionately watched over her, that 
the days of her earthly pilgrimage could be only very few. On 
Sunday, the 23d of September. (1832) I received a message 
requesting a visit from me, and after the services of the sanc- 
tuary were ended, I hastened to her sick chamber. To my 
grief, and surprise. I found her mind bowed down to the very 
depths of painful disquietude, unable to realize the presence of 
her Saviour, and harassed with the fiery darts of the great ene- 
my, who would have persuaded her that she had no interest in 
the death and passion of our adorable Redeemer. Thanks be 
unto God for his gracious help : his ministers are workers toge- 
ther with him, and the weapons which they use 'are not car- 
nal, but mighty through God to the casting down imaginations, 
and every high thing which exaketh itself against the knowl- 
edge of God." In this case, as in innumerable others, the 
sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, carried home the 
truth to the heart by the arm of Omnipotence, and prevailed. 
Satan was bruised under her feet ; the temptation vanished be- 
fore the bright beams of the Sun of Righteousness : and though 
much of her state at thai period might be charged on bodily 
debility and feebleness of mind, yet it is highly consolatory to 
know, that faith in God's covenant, and faith in God's character, 
can enable the child in years, and the aged pilgrim, to triumph 
over every enemy ; to ' thresh the mountains' of affliction, and 
to beat them as small as the dust beneath the feet. 



360 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

" From the very next day, if not the same night, she was 
again enabled to cast all her care upon Him who cared for her ; 
and never afterwards, that I am aware, was she permitted to 
doubt the goodness of the Saviour to herself personally."* 

This, however, was only a passing cloud, at the dawn of a 
glorious day, to which no night could succeed ! To a real 
Christian, even the tomb is no longer darksome, but may be 
compared to the bridal chamber. Christ, by lying in the 
grave, has made it, to his people, a bed of spices. "They shall 
rest in their beds, each one walking in his uprightness." 
Isa. Ivii. 2. " Blessed are they that are called to the marriage 
supper of the Lamb." Rev. xix. 9. For " they shall see his 
face, and His name shall be in their foreheads, and they need 
no candle, neither light of the sun : for the Lord God giveth 
them light ; and they shall reign forever and ever." Rev. xxii. 
4, 5. " For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall 
feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters : 
and God shall wipe all tears from their eyes." Rev. vii. 17. 

* Fell's Sermons, page 265. 



CHAPTER XI. 

CONCLUDING REMARKS. 

In bringing this Memoir to a close, it may be useful and in- 
teresting to take a review, — First, of Mrs. Hawkes' character, 
Natural, Moral, and Religious ; Secondly, of her Afflic- 
tions ; — and, — Thirdly, endeavor to derive Instruction from 
the whole. 

In considering Mrs. Hawkes' Natural Character, no 
attempt will be made to exalt the creature, but simply to bring 
forward those distinguished qualities with which it had pleased 
God to endow her. In doing this, some difficulty will arise ; 
— because, as in natural beauty, — though the first glance 
makes us sensible of its presence — it is more easy to appre- 
hend than describe that symmetry ; so in the endowments 
and qualities of the mind, there may be a certain beautiful 
combination and proportion, which, though obviously marked, 
cannot easily be delineated. In Mrs. Hawkes' natural char- 
acter there was manifested a singular comprehensiveness of 
mind ; — a judgment and practical wisdom which were of the 
highest order ; — a remarkable quickness and delicacy of feel- 
ing ; — a cordial and affectionate sympathy ; an interesting viva- 
city ; — a tender and contemplative seriousness, — united in a 
harmonious proportion, which it is less easy to conceive of ab- 
stractedly, than to apprehend when seen. She was like a 
well-tuned instrument, answering immediately to the touch — 
whatever might be the strain desired. Her sweet social tem- 
per was formed for friendship ; and in the exercise of benevo- 
lent and affectionate feelings, she seemed to move as in her 
native element. Though extremely susceptible of grief, she 
was a most cheerful and interesting companion, both to the old 
and to the young ; — to the latter she was singularly attached. 
The cast of her mind was contemplative ; and after her con- 
versation, this faculty found the highest and noblest exercise 
in exploring the riches of Divine revelation. In conversation 
she was peculiarlv gifted ; but, from delicacy of feeling, and a 

16 



362 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

natural fear of obtrusiveness, she was the reverse of a great 
talker ; and when in company with persons of eminence, her 
remarks were chiefly in the form of questions, by which she 
had a happy facility of drawing forth the knowledge and ex- 
perience of others. It will not therefore appear surprising, 
that her society was much desired by all who knew her. 
Her manners, though simple, were a little under restraint with 
those towards whom she felt deference ; which arose, not from 
any degree of mean servility, but from great sensitiveness, and 
correctness of feeling. To her inferiors she was always be- 
nevolent and condescending. Nor must the great generosity 
of her disposition be overlooked. Largeness of heart was 
manifested by the manner of doing " what she could," after 
her circumstances became reduced. The shades of her natu- 
ral character were, — a high and independent spirit, inclined to 
resistance ; a keen sense of injuries, as well as a lively percep- 
tion of kindness ; — a sensibility which was too easily wounded : 
hence, in early life, her peace was often broken, through excess 
of feeling ; Flavel remarks, — " a strong affection makes a strong 
affliction." She was timid in an extraordinary degree ; and 
from a kind of nervous apprehensiveness, she was led sometimes 
to magnify evils in advance, though there was a natural forti- 
tude, which sustained them with magnanimity, when in actual 
encounter. In person, she was of a pleasing figure, and good 
stature ; and before her disease, inclined to be slender. Her 
complexion was brown, with a fixed color in her cheeks. Her 
eyes were a fine dark hazel, expressive of tenderness, intellect, 
and sweetness. Her whole countenance beamed with benevo- 
lence and sympathy. 

In reference to Mrs. Hawkes' character in a Moral point 
of view, we may remark that it was of an elevated stamp. 
Even before her conversion, she manifested in her inter- 
course with others, a strong sense of propriety — great integrity 
— sincerity — ingenuousness. Her high moral sense was a 
special preservative during her career of worldliness and van- 
ity ; — of which various proofs might be advanced. There was 
a certain harmony between her natural and moral character, 
which gave a lustre to both ; and when each was improved by 
Divine grace, her natural, moral, and religious character blended 
like the fine colors of a prism. In thus setting forth the ele- 
vated stamp of her character in a moral point of view, there is 
no danger of conveying a false impression, as though it could 
not consist with that natural depravity, of which she was so 
deeply sensible after her conversion ; and which she so con- 
stantly deplored in all her writings — whether epistolary or pri- 



CONCLUDING REMARKS. 363 

vate. The high moral character of St. Paul is made to stand 
out ou the canvass, in order the more to call our attention to 
the truth, that all this is consistent with the existence of pride 
of heart, and enmity to God ; with self -will, and an unrenewed 
mind ; — nay, even with the very spirit of persecution. If there 
has been no change of heart, no work of the Holy Spirit, moral 
virtues do but resemble the green moss, sparkling with early 
dew, adorning a dead trunk which will soon become fuel for the 
fire. 

While, however, guarding the moral virtues from assuming 
a place which they cannot occupy, let it not be once imagined 
that it is intended to advance anything subversive of their real 
importance. Mr. Cecil has remarked, " Morality should never 
be under-valued, or spoken lightly of by any one ; — for what 
is man without it ? It is essential to Christianity. But if it is 
put in the place of Christ, if it set aside the blood and spirit of 
Jesus, — it then becomes an opposer. Let Plato, Socrates, Con- 
fucius, and others be honored because they were diligent men, 
doing their best by the light of a dim taper. But who is he 
that, when the Sun of righteousness has arisen, will still prefer 
the dim taper — the glimmering rushlight — and say, it is better 
than the light of the Sun 2" Indeed such is the connection be- 
tween one part of Divine truth and another, that those who 
have the justest and largest views of Gospel grace, are able to 
form the most exact and extensive estimate of moral duty, — 
and are actuated by the highest motives to an exemplary life 
and conversation. Whatever might be the elevation of Mrs. 
Hawkes' moral character before her conversion, the doctrines 
she embraced had a tendency to raise it far higher — be- 
cause extending to the motives and inmost thoughts of the 
heart. The Christian is " called with a holy calling ;" he is bid 
to seek morality of the highest order, in the command, " Be ye 
holy, for I am holy ;" and he who from a constant study of the 
divine perfections, especially as they shine in the person of 
Jesus Christ, — together with the diligent prayer for the influ- 
ences of the Holy Spirit, — seeks the renewal of God's image 011 
his soul, shall be made a " partaker of the Divine nature," and 
at length to obtain a place in the " general assembly, among 
the spirits of just men made perfect." 

With regard more particularly to Mrs. Hawkes' Religious 
character, we may remark, first, that her religion was the re- 
ligion of a sinner. " I have heard of Thee by the hearing of 
the ear," — said Job, the perfect and upright man, — " but now 
mine eye seeth Thee." He does not say, therefore I am all ex- 
ultation ; but — "therefore I abhor myself, and repent in dust 



364 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

and ashes." The holy angels veil their faces before the Divine 
Majesty, aud cast their crowns before him, as creatures. But 
how much lower should man, who is a sinner, fall before Him ! 
And as it is of the nature of genuine holiness to give a deepen- 
ing and increasing knowledge of sin, so we need not wonder 
that the nearer Mrs. Hawkes drew towards her end, and the 
closer her communion with God, the more did she multiply ex- 
pressions of her deep self-abasement and un worthiness. Through- 
out the whole of her religious experience there may be marked 
that humble and contrite spirit, with which it has pleased God 
to say he would " dwell." This gracious temper of soul she 
sought, and cherished, even to her dying hour. — We have seen 
the humility, love, and adoration, with which her soul was filled 
as she drew near the end of her course, — inferior only in degree 
to that of the saints above. 

We may observe, secondly, that her religion was one which 
led her to embrace thankfully all the proposals and promises 
made to sinners in the Gospel of Christ. She did not stand at 
a distance, saying, " I knew Thee that Thou art a hard man, 
reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou 
has not strewed ;" but her acceptance of the Gospel, in all its 
fulness and freeness, put honor upon the truth and faithfulness 
of God ; while the obedience of her faith gave Him glory. And 
He whose word cannot fail, though heaven and earth should 
pass, fulfilled in her " all the good pleasure of his goodness, and 
the work of faith with power." In old age she was found lying 
down among the promises, and filled with love to God, which 
is the very element of heaven. 

Thirdly, — Her religion was strictly founded on the Holy 
Scriptures. Her theology was not derived from notions of her 
own, or of others. It was the result of marking, learning and 
inwardly digesting, the word of God. There she found, in grand 
characters, the doctrine of a Crucified Saviour, as the chief 
corner-stone on which to build her faith ; in connection with this, 
and inseparable from it, — the doctrines of Repentance, Faith, 
and Love : there she learned to " hold fast the form of sound 
words," and to " beware lest any man should spoil her through 
philosophy and vain deceit." There she learned to fear the 
" new speculations and subtle novel notions," which she con- 
sidered were "casting a dimness over the good old paths, 
wherein alone it is safe to walk;" (see page 338.) For God 
had given to her " the Spirit of power and of love, and of a 
sound mind? 

Fourthly, — Her religion was operative. It must be obvious 
to every one, that she was an industrious and a laborious 



CONCLUDING REMARKS. 365 

Christian. Her constant remark was, " Every living being is 
sent into the world to labor, not to rest : to fill up their sta- 
tion, and then leave it to give in their account." Having " five 
talents," she "gained also five talents more." How did she 
labor to treasure up sermons, conversations, &c. How did she 
value, and attend, means of grace; — how did she seek the 
company of the wise and godly, — what " carefulness" did she 
manifest in the duties of repentance, self-examination, and 
prayer ; — and how did she show the " same diligence to the 
end ;" even under the pressure of the heaviest weights and in- 
cumbrances ! 

Fifthly, — As an additional proof of the genuine nature of her 
religion, it was progressive. " A Christian," says Mr. Cecil, 
" is an increasing light. A meteor, or a blazing star, may 
strike the eyes of the multitude, — but before they can well 
look upon it, it is gone. But the Christian is like the sun, 
which, though it may rise in a mist, and its beams at first 
scarcely appear, yet continues to rise higher and higher, — 
taking a wider circle, — and shining stronger and brighter unto 
the perfect day." 

The Gospel seed had fallen on " good ground," and it 
brought forth " a hundred-fold." This progress may be 
noticed as standing in connection with, the most vigorous and 
persevering use of means, and according to the promises of 
spiritual improvement which are all made to spiritual diligence 
— as the reward of grace and not of merit ; because we must 
ever bear in mind that diligence itself is the result of Divine 
grace, and not found in an unrenewed human heart. Still the 
promise is, " To him that hath shall be given, and he shall have 
abundance." He shall behold the connection of all moral duties 
with the moral perfections of God ; and shall go on receiving 
" grace after grace," till he arrives at " the measure of the stat- 
ure of the fulness of Christ !" 

n. It will be useful to mark the School of Affliction in 
which this true disciple of Christ was trained. There was one 
character distinguished in Scripture as a "child of sorrow," 
and this circumstance, together with his " calling on the God 
of Israel," is all we know of him who " was more honorable 
than his brethren." While we examine the cup of suffering, 
which has been dispensed by the Master at his table, to any 
one whom he has " chosen in the furnace of affliction," — we 
should learn to honor him that drinketh ; and with much ten- 
derness and caution enter into the inquiry, — how far a wise 
and gracious Father may have appointed the cup, as a Sove- 
reign, giving no account of his matters : — and how far He has 



366 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

chosen to make manifest the natural consequences of sin, working 
death. 

There was One, and One only, who drank up " the dregs 
of the cup of trembling," though He was " without sin." In 
the cup of every child of Adam, there is a mixture which sin 
hath infused. " We are apt," says Mr. Cecil, " to talk of infir- 
mity when we should talk of guiltP " I will bear the indigna- 
tion of the Lord, because I have sinned against Him." 

Without undertaking to form a farther judgment, we cannot 
but remark in reviewing Mrs. Hawkes' history, that her trou- 
bles began from the period of her making a voluntary launch 
into the world. Her painful experience cannot indeed be traced 
to any deficiency in filling up relative duties ; for she was most 
exemplary both as a wife, and as the mistress of a family. Yet 
this case illustrates the consequences of taking the first step in 
life unguardedly. It will not be considered a sufficient answer, 
that Mrs. Hawkes, at the time of her marriage, was herself an 
unconverted character ; — because her early privileges and strictly 
religious education, involved certain obligations. Mrs. Hawkes 
could not but be sensible of the inconsistency of her conduct 
with those obligations ; and of the hazard she incurred in giv- 
ing such a pledge to the irreligious world. (See 2 Chron. 
xix. 2.) 

Perhaps we shall be able to take a more just view of this im- 
portant subject, if we trace the action to its source ; and in so 
doing, some hints may be suggested for the consideration of 
the young. 

A young person who has been blessed by Providence with 
eminently pious parents, has been early " planted in the house 
of the Lord ;" and the church is compared to " a garden en- 
closed." Such a one, growing up with a right mind, will be 
deeply sensible of this high privilege, and will deprecate the 
idea of being cast out into the world, which may be compared 
to " a waste howling wilderness," and thus exposed to all the 
temptations and dangers of that unprotected situation. (See Ps. 
lxxx. 12, 13.) A wise young person would not desire even to 
look toivards the wilderness ; — much less taste of its crude 
fruits, or venture to make experiment of its dangerous and 
poisonous plants. But too many young persons think, that in 
this they are left at liberty to make a choice. They say, 
" We are not yet decided." Not decided ! When God has 
already decided for you, by planting you in his Church ! 
(Compare Jer. ii. 21, with Ezek. xix. 13, and Isa. xliii. 1.) 
This plea is most unreasonable. " Not decided !" when the 
decision rests between the service of God and Satan ! " Not 



CONCLUDING REMARKS. 3C7 

decided !" when the stake is between heaven and hell ! " Oh, 
but we hope soon to decide in favor of religion." This plea is 
presumptuous : 

" Where is to-morrow ? in another world !" 

delay not ! The parable of the ten virgins is set before us 
as an instructive warning — " And while they went to buy, the 
bridegroom came." " But," say some, " we do not wish to 
make a profession, lest we should dishonor it." So said Mrs. 
Hawkes in the days of her vanity. And many delude them- 
selves with this saying, as though it resulted from a conscien- 
tious principle. But it is, on the contrary, a great sin to 
make no profession of religion. It is to omit a duty absolutely 
required in Scripture, " If thou shalt confess with thy mouth 
the Lord Jesus, thou shalt be saved." Rom. x. 9. And sO im- 
portant was this considered by God in the case of the Jewish 
Church, that he ordained an outward and visible sign to be 
attached to their garments. See Num. xv. 37 — 40. Moreover, 
this reason, if sincerely alleged, proves great ignorance of the 
nature of true religion, which never supposes any power in 
man to act consistently without the constant help of the Holy 
Spirit, — whose influences are promised to those who ask them. 
It also shows great pride of heart, — less fear of living in open 
rebellion against God than of incurring the reproach of man. 
But, generally, such reasons are urged in the spirit of those 
who " began with one consent to make excuse." The com- 
mand given by God to the children of Christian parents, con- 
tains both a direction and a promise : " My son, keep thy 
father's commandment, and forsake not the law of thy mother : 
bind them continually upon thine heart, and tie them about thy 
neck. When thou goest, it shall lead thee : when thou sleepest, 
it shall keep thee, and when thou awakest, it shall talk with 
thee. For the commandment is a lamp ; and the law is light ; 
and reproofs of instruction are the ivay of life? Prov. vi. 
20—23. 

Mrs. Hawkes has often remarked to the writer, that the grief 
she occasioned to her mother by neglect of her pious counsels, 
weighed heavily on her own heart all through life, and even 
to old age. She did not give proper heed to the command- 
ment which was to be her lamp — she chose to " walk in the 
sight of her eyes, and in the imagination of her heart ;" and 
the reproofs of instruction she disregarded ; was it not then to 
be expected that she should be left to " stumble on the dark 
mountains," and that her own ways should be made to reprove 
her? Jer. ii. 19. It must indeed be acknowledged, that there 



368 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

was in her cup an accumulation of temporal sorrows, greater 
than what is ordinary in such cases : while through sovereign 
mercy she was preserved from that deep spiritual loss which in 
such a course she had too much reason to fear. 

Oh, that all young persons would seriously consider the ob- 
ligations under which they lie to pious parents, and that they 
would close in at once with the offers of their best Friend ! 
May He never have occasion to say to any one who reads these 
lines, " that thou hadst hearkened unto my commandments ! 
then had thy peace been like a river, and thy righteousness as 
the waves of the sea." Isa. xlviii. 18. Or, in the words of that 
tender and pathetic exclamation of our Saviour, Matt, xxiii. 2*7 : 
" How oft would I have gathered thee, as a hen gathereth her 
chickens under her wings, and ye would not /" Oh, what a 
cruel loss to your own souls ! What opportunities lost of glo- 
rifying God, and of promoting the salvation of others ! Oh, 
that each would earnestly inquire, where shall I be hid when 
the storm ariseth ? and be led to seek shelter, before its ap- 
proach, in that Saviour who " gathers the lambs with his arm, 
and carries them in his bosom." Isa. xl. 11. 

III. — In endeavoring to derive Instruction from the whole, 
we may notice first, the evidence in favor of true and vital re- 
ligion, furnished by such a life as that of Mrs. Hawkes. 

In order to enter into the design of Christianity, we should 
not only observe its doctrines, but its principles, and precepts, 
and in what way they are brought into exercise. We should 
mark how they support under trouble, and direct in difficulties. 
The manner in which St. Paul speaks when in bonds, is an ar- 
gument in favor of Christianity. To be able to meet every 
emergency of life with firmness, resignation, and cheerfulness ; 
to be able to look death in the face, — and that, upon substan- 
tial grounds, because Christ took hold of our nature, Heb. ii. 
14 ; John, viii. 24 : — to be able to exercise a holy familiarity 
with God in Christ, as a sure refuge ; this is Christianity. 
Nothing but Christianity brings God and man together ; every 
other religion talks of him as at a distance. This is the grand 
secret of a Christian, but there is a communication open be- 
tween God and his soul. Viewed, and rested in without a ref- 
erence to their Author, what is the earth, what are the heav- 
ens ? It were better for a man never to have seen them, than 
to see them with the eye of a brute — stupid and unconscious 
of what he beholds ; than not be able to say, the Maker of all 
these worlds is my Friend ! 

There is no evidence to the truth of Christianity like that 
which reflects from the life of a sincere and vigorous Christian, 



CONCLUDING REMARKS. 3G9 

in which is exhibited the power of Divine grace, the strength 
of faith, and all the beauty of the Christian character. For 
"if they that are fallen asleep in Christ are perished" — if ex- 
amples of moral and spiritual excellence, such as Mrs. Hawkes, 
are perished — a thought too revolting to moral sense when 
duly exercised — then, indeed, is religion all a fable ! But thanks 
be to Almighty love, all true Christians, no less than the patri- 
archs, stand in covenant relation to God ; and our Saviour 
hath said, " God is not the God of the dead, but of the living ;" 
and although saints are hidden in the grave, God has inade a 
covenant with their dust, and appointed a set time to remem- 
ber them, Job, xiv. 13. He will also remember their ivorks, as 
evidences and fruits of true faith., when " they that be wise 
shall shine as the brightness of the firmament ; and they that 
turn many to righteousness as the stars forever and ever." 
Dan. xii. 3. To such exemplars of true piety, the world is ever 
indebted. The writer can speak practically : the impressions 
of early childhood testify of Mrs. Hawkes, that her being a 
member of Mr. Cecil's family was to his children a high boon : 
conveying to their yet unformed minds the fullest conviction 
of the truth of Christianity, while they learned to regard her 
not only as a confidential friend, and cheerful companion, but 
especially as a living exemplar of true piety, in its most genu- 
ine form. 

Secondly. — In the case of Mrs. Hawkes, we have seen an 
instance of the fulfilment of that promise, " To him that hath 
shall be given, and he shall have abundance." But there fol- 
lows, in close connection with this promise, an important 
warning : " Whosoever hath not, from him shall be taken 
even that he hath :" a sentence full of awful and affecting truth. 

He " hath," it may be, many present advantages, means, 
and opportunities ; he " hath" the divine seed constantly fall- 
ing on the field of his heart ; he " hath" perhaps, some esti- 
mation of these privileges ; and " hath" often made resolutions 
to become an honest and obedient hearer. In the judgment 
of charity, he " seemeth to have" sincerity, uprightness, and 
willingness of heart; his illumination of mind, and high moral 
virtues, "seem" to promise a ready reception of that seed 
which brings forth a hundred-fold more, and better fruits, than 
nature's soil can produce ; but there is an awful reverse im- 
plied : there is some cause why he " hath not" received the 
seed of the word into his heart, and why he will not. There- 
fore "from him shall be taken away, even that he hath." It 
shall be taken away judicially. All that was really good was 
derived from the Spirit of God, and was a talent lent, for im- 

16* 



3*70 MEMOIRS OF MRS. HAWKES. 

provernent. But from tlie unprofitable servant the talent shall 
be taken away. He shall be left to utter darkness. Heb. vi. 
7, 8 : for just in proportion to a man's light will God regard a 
steadfast alienation from his will. 

Let each search and examine what is the moral cause why- 
he individually does not understand and receive the word. A 
thousand causes might be assigned by another, and not one 
of them touch the case ; and thus persons elude conviction 
while they perceive that the causes of impenitency, generally 
alleged, do not apply to themselves: but conscience, impar- 
tially examined and listened to, might testify accurately. The 
divine sentence hath pronounced, that the fault of an unprofit- 
able hearer lies in the nature of the soil into which the divine 
seed is cast, namely, into a careless, hard, or worldly mind. 
Matt. xiii. 18, 23. 

Thirdly. — Let the afflicted Christian learn to distinguish be- 
tween the world's remedy, and that which is provided in the 
gospel. To be favored with a realizing sense of those words, 
" I know their sorrows," is a sweet balm for every trouble ; even 
the bitterest, and most poignant, that a renewed heart can feel, 
the sorrow for sin. It is the path and privilege of a believer 
to imitate Jesus ; to take the cup of suffering as from a Father's 
hand, from whom he may be assured of constant and adequate 
support. What is pain, sickness, or even death itself, compared 
with alienation of the heart from God '? This is the grand evil, 
from which all others proceed. Let us then think less of our 
own cup, whatever it may be, (since it will surely prove med- 
icinal,) and think more of Him who drank a cup of wrath, even 
to the dregs, in order to provide for us a cup of consolation. 
Eminent Christians have generally an especial discipline, in 
proportion to that usefulness to which they are designed. Thus 
St. Paul had a thorn in the flesh ; and many other travellers to 
Zion have likewise found something rankling, festering, and 
harassing them, like a thorn, which they were unable to ex- 
tract. For this divine discipline we should stand prepared. 
Luther writes to John of Hesse, " You have entered the ship 
with Christ : what do you look for ? Fine weather ? Rather 
expect winds, tempests, and waves to cover the vessel, till she 
begins to sink." This is the baptism with which you must be 
first baptized ; and then the calm will follow, upon your awa- 
kening Christ and imploring his help ; for sometimes he will 
appear to sleep for a season. The process of affliction is in- 
tended to prepare and make room in the heart for the grace of 
Christ ; because the tendency of the human heart is to pride 
and self-dependence. Another important end of affliction is, that 



CONCLUDING REMARKS. H*71 

it quickens to earnest heart-prayer. Our blessed Saviour in the 
garden prayed yet more earnestly, till " His sweat was as it 
were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." And 
this urgency of prayer was effectual to obtain the sustaining 
and strengthening influences which his human nature required. 
So the afflicted Christian is driven to lay hold of God by prayer ; 
he flies to the bosom of his Saviour, where alone he finds true 
repose, derives strength, and is enabled to maintain that spir- 
itual communion and intercourse with God, which is the life of 
the soul, which is to fit him for heaven, and which distinguishes 
the true believer from the hypocrite. 

And, by degrees, the Christian perceives the designs of all 
his afflictions, and acquiesces in the process by which God is 
training him for glory ; he obtains an humble and resigned 
spirit, and learns to say, with the subject of this Memoir, " I 
know, Lord, that thy judgments are right, and that thou in 
faithfulness hast afflicted me." 

Lastly. — The subject addresses itself to Professing Christians 
generally, leading them to take a right view of their calling as 
the disciples of a crucified Saviour. As Christians we have 
been " baptized into his death !" Let us embrace the doctrine 
of the cross as the true and proper joy of man upon earth. 
Shall the servant expect a smoother path than the Lord ' Let 
it suffice that " neither tribulation, nor distress, nor persecution, 
nor famine, nor peril, nor sword, shall be able to separate us 
from the love of Christ." In every trial our Saviour seems to 
say to us, " Are ye able to drink of the cup that I shall drink 
of, and to be baptized with the baptism that I am baptized 
with r His estimate was, when about to sutler, " Now is the 
Son of Man glorified, and God is glorified in him." " Let us 
arm ourselves with the same mind : being strengthened with 
all might by his glorious power, unto all long-suffering with 
joyfulness." " There remaineth a rest to the jDeople of God," 
which must be ardently desired by weary pilgrims. But though 
delayed, the inheritance is certain, and the promise is sure. 
" Him that overcometh will I make a pillar in the temple of 
my God, and he shall go no more out ; and I will write upon 
him the name of my God, and the name of the city of my 
God, which is Xew Jerusalem, which cometh. down out of 
heaven from my God : and I will write upon him my new 



FINIS. 



H 124 81 



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